Minutes after Apple announced its new iChat AV software and accompanying iSight camera, I was online placing my order. I had tried video conferencing before, but it never really lived up to its promise, with crummy video and sound quality, rediculous hoops to jump through with IP addresses, link negotiation, and other nonsense... it just wasn't worth it. Leave it to Apple to get it right! So far, only one of my friends has iSight, so I've only done limited testing with it, but I like what I see so far.

Set-up involves sticking the camera to the back of my Cinema Display and plugging it in. That's it. It took a total of two minutes, and iChat AV popped up the instant the camera was activated. I saw Meagan was online and had her iSight on (thanks to little icons next to your buddies that let you know if the person has audio or audio/video capability). One click and a window came up that allows you to see yourself, check camera position, comb your hair (well, not mine, but whatever!), and you're off.

Audio quality is excellent and video quality is likewise very impressive (especially considering you can blow the image up to ridiculous sizes and still have a pretty good picture, thanks to Apple's Quartz display rendering engine). The only problem seems to be with the camera white balance, which tends to run a little dark (or green under fluorescent light), but I'm sure Apple will fix this eventually (iChat AV is in beta and won't be finalized until later this year when MacOS X 1.3 Panther is released).

I've now ordered another couple of cameras for my home G4 Cube and my PowerBook, so I can be connected wherever I am with NO long distance charges! It's like something out of Star Trek! I highly recommend that anybody with a Mac and a broadband connection grab an iSight and see why e-mail is going to become obsolete for personal communications in the future. I just hope that spammers don't figure out a way to ruin iSight like they've done e-mail.

Hey now... people are actually reading this blog! Well, two of you at least. So, for Matt and Carol (and anybody else wanting to play around with iChat AV that doesn't mind looking at my face) my "buddy name" is daveweb@mac.com. The "mac.com" addresses for .Mac users can also work with AOL Instant Messenger, but you have to get the latest software, because earlier versions won't recognize iChat buddy names.

Helpful iChat AV Hint: Yes, it is a bit disorienting that you can't actually look each other in the eye when chatting (the camera would have to be in the middle of your display for that!), but you can make the shift slightly less annoying by putting the iChat window at the very top of your screen, as close to the camera as possible. I've kind of developed an "iChat-Head-Bob," whereas I look up directly into the camera on occasion so that the person I am iChatting with has more of an illusion that I am talking to them. After a while, I notice them doing it as well. It kind of becomes automatic when you have something particularly important or poignant to say, and makes the conversation all that more personable.

Boy do I love Apple for this new toy!

I've now received my 5th e-mail asking if I've heard about the lawsuit filed a while back against Robert's American Gourmet Foods, who happens to make my absolute most favorite snack food ever, "Pirate's Booty." This comes as a bit of a surprise, because I thought that only two people were reading this blog, let alone caring about my Booty obsession. I can only guess that I'm a Google hit or something for Pirate's Booty searches (well, if there was anything I'd ever want to be noted for, that would be near the top of the list, so it's all good!).

Anyway, you can head over to the "Stupid Lawsuits" section of the Power of Attorneys site and read about it for yourself, but the gist is basically this: Good Housekeeping did some tests and found out that the claimed calorie count of 120 was actually 147, and the 2.5 grams of fat was more like 8.5 grams. A woman read this, and decided she was going to sue for FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS because of "distress over weight gain, mental anguish, outrage, and indignation." Now, Robert's claims that this was a mistake, that they changed their formula and somehow forgot to re-label the packaging, which could very well be true.

But even if Robert's was intentionally skewing the Nutrition Facts (which makes no sense at all)... FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS??? How much Booty was this woman eating that an additional 6 grams of fat per serving was causing enough weight gain and mental anguish that FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS seemed like a fair settlement? Such a stupid-ass lawsuit has caused me at least $100 million dollars in "outrage," so where do I sign up to sue whatever lawyer thought that this was a worthwhile case to eat up taxpayer's dollars?

The lawsuit was filed to "represent consumers who ruined their diets and had to spend more time in the gym because they ate mislabeled Pirate's Booty." Well, you daft moron, don't do us any favors. Sane people understand that Pirate's Booty is a snack food (but a far more healthful alternative to most of the hydrogenated crap that's out there), not a weight loss tool. If an extra 6 grams of fat is enough to ruin your entire diet and spend extra time in the gym, then you obviously have far more problems that FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS could ever solve, and should probably visit a few impoverished areas of the world where they don't have enough food to even keep children from going hungry, let alone worry about their weight.

I find it fascinating that there are people in the world who put so much time, effort, and energy into the destruction of the USA when all they really have to do is sit back, relax, and watch the show... we've got idiotic politicians, daft idiots, and piece-of-shit lawyers working overtime to make sure we destroy ourselves. What an ungrateful, petty, embarrassment of a nation we are that FIFTY FREAKIN' MILLION DOLLARS is considered acceptable restitution for 6 extra grams of fat on some idiots's lazy ass, when we should instead be thankful that we've got food to feed ourselves at all. So happy birthday to the United States, and long live the American Way of greed and frivolous lawsuits!

Just a few things that have been plaguing me as of late...

Clueless Drivers: A flashing yellow light means slow down and proceed with caution... it does not mean stop.

Arby's: Would it kill you to put a cheese sandwich on your menu? I am tired of having to order a "Market Fresh Beef and Swiss" sandwich - without the roast beef - and still pay as if I had a piece of dead cow on my lunch (and you get it wrong half the time anyway).

Clueless Drivers 2: When making a left turn, stay in your own lane... here is a helpful illustration:

I am getting very tired of having you barely miss me when you whip through your turn in my lane. If I ever get hit from one of you morons, I'm shoving what's left of my motorcycle up your ass.

President Bush: Still waiting for those "weapons of mass destruction" to surface, lying dipshit.

Clueless Drivers 3: When you see a red light ahead, don't slow down to 1/2-mph hoping that it will turn green when you finally make it there. It's a stop light, so pull up to the line and f#@%ing stop already. I can only hope that one day you get a pissed-off trucker behind you who will shove your stupid ass into the intersection for being such an idiot. I'd bust up your shit myself, but my 430-lb. motorcycle isn't going to make much headway against your idiotic 6-ton 2-mile-per-gallon SUV. I'm going to have to start carrying incendiary bombs so I can just light your shit on fire... I bet that would get your lame ass moving.

Child Molesters: I don't care how many years you spend in prison, you can never "repay your debt to society," so society doesn't owe you a damn thing when you get out... stop deluding yourself you f#@%ing piece of shit.

Clueless Drivers 4: If you and/or your piece of crap vehicle is not capable of going the speed limit, you shouldn't be on the road in the first place.

Pier 1: People don't like annoying commercials, and your idiotic spots featuring a screeching Kirstie Alley doing stupid shit while dressed in those freaky-ass prom dresses are doing nothing but making me want to avoid your stores (or wish I was dead.. and sometimes both at the same time). Seriously, no commercial would be more effective than a washed-up actress nobody cares about annoying people.

Since the Friday Five has been pretty lame lately, I've noticed a few other Fivers have turned to the Bernard Pivot Questionnaire, made famous by James Lipton on his show Inside the Actor's Studio.

What is your favorite word? "Frotz." It was the magical spell of light from the old Infocom game "Enchanter" (and its equally excellent sequels, "Sorcerer" and "Spellbreaker"). To this day I still love the sound of it (yeah, I'm a geek... get over it). If you need a real word, it would have to be "malaria" I watched a movie once where a character had said that "malaria was the most beautiful word in the English language" and, after thinking about it for a minute, I had to agree (though I think the word is actually of Italian origin). If anybody remembers the name of that movie, let me know.

What is your least favorite word? "Empowerment." It sums up everything I hate about all those sappy motivational "empowerment" posters that are supposed to make you fall in love with the idea of idiotic corporate buzzwords like "Teamwork," "Perseverance" and "Commitment." Every time I see one these laughable prints, I want to gag and then crap on it (the parodies, however, are priceless!). If employees were truly empowered, they wouldn't need a poster to tell them about it.

What turns you on? Literally, Elizabeth Hurley... I cannot get past my obsession with her. Figuratively, kindness turns me on. It is so easy to be cruel, hurtful, or destructive... but stumbling across true acts of kindness reaffirms my faith in humanity and turns me on to our possibilities.

What sound do you love? Elizabeth Hurley saying anything in that kickin' English accent of hers. Sometimes while I am working, I'll put on her movie Bedazzled for background noise (which is stupid, because I'll just end up watching the film again and not get any work done at all, but hey... it's not like anyone ever gets tired of watching her, even in mediocre and predictable films like this).

What sound do you hate? Honking horns and train whistles... particularly in the middle of the night when I am trying to get some sleep.

What is your favorite curse word? Muthaf#@%er. I truly wish it wasn't but, whenever the shit hits the fan, that's the word that pops out of my mouth.

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Translator. I love words and languages, and it would be pretty cool to have a career that would allow me to travel the world, meet new people, experience new cultures, and learn new languages.

What profession would you not like to participate in? Politician. I'd rather die than be associated with the slimy crack-heads that seem to litter the American Political machine.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Took you long enough, bitch! (I'd like to think that god has some street cred to him).

I just got an e-mail from some random guy I don't even know asking "Why in the heck do you like Elizabeth Hurley? She's a crap actress!" To which I respond... are you f#@%ing kidding me?

I stole this image of the brutally hot Ms. Hurley from the Sexy Sexy Elizabeth Hurley Pictures site.

Way back in mid-July, I got a notice saying that I had been selected for Jury duty on August 22. Since this is the busiest time of year for my work, I was thrilled to have to rearrange my schedule and cancel appointments just so I can show up and be excused (apparently my belief that all criminal offenses should be punishable by death doesn't make me a desirable jury candidate... go figure).

So, as instructed, I called the courthouse on the 22nd where a recorded message told me there was no trial and I should call back again on the 28th. Joy! I now get to rearrange all my shit again! But then the 28th rolls around and I call to find out there is still no trial. Okay then, I've done my part... I figure I'm safe from jury duty for at least another year, right? Heck no! I'm told to call a third time on September 3rd!

What the f#@%?? Excuse me, but apparently the Washington State Justice System has me confused with some loser that has nothing better to do than wait by the phone for them to find some criminal that needs hanging. I realize that Washington has one of the highest unemployment rates in the nation, but unless you want me to lose my job and become another unemployment statistic, you'd better re-think things. Do you really expect people to put their lives on hold for two weeks why you make up your mind as to whether I am going to be called in with one day's notice? How am I supposed to plan for that? This isn't Little House on the F#@%ing Prairie where people had nothing to do... this is the year 2003, where business moves at the speed of light, people have busy lives, and two weeks is way too long to have prospective jurors be on-call (I don't have the time to take that much vacation in a year).

What I learned from all this is that the people who made up this selection system obviously don't have enough to do, and perhaps they should be downsized. Including the calls I had to make, I've blown two-and-a-half weeks? If my tax dollars are going to pay for thinking up this kind of stupid shit, I'm going to have to stop paying taxes (which will happen anyway if I lose my job because I can't keep my schedule). Here's an idea... since all government records are computerized, why don't you cross-reference the unemployment database with the jury selection system and stop f#@%ing bothering those of us that have shit to do? Jury selection is supposed to be a "higher calling" that gets the public involved in the justice system (such as it is)... but the way you've got it set it up, jury duty is for losers with nothing to do.

So I have to call a fourth time for potential jury duty yesterday and, guess what, they want me to come in on my last day for a one-day trial. Joy. Oh well, I had already rearranged my schedule, so it's not like I had anything major planned. But it sure would have been nice to have one day at work before the next three weeks of travel arrives. I get there and get selected for actual duty, so there goes that plan.

Law and Order it was not. It was a complete waste of time, and not the least bit entertaining. Even though we the jury felt that the defendant was probably guilty of some aspects of the charges, there was no way we could convict the guy when it came to the letter of the law we were instructed to follow. Not even.

What a joke. The arresting officer was unsure about things, the prosecutors didn't ask questions they should have... no overwhelming proof ever came. And I got the opinion that even the lead prosecutor had reasonable doubt as he was making his closing argument. You would think that "the people" would have went through the instructions we were given, saw that there was no damning evidence to prove their case, and thought twice before they brought this thing to trial and not waste our time and taxpayer money!

The worst part is that none of us on the jury really felt that justice was served, and I thought that was the entire point of all this.

I'm heading off to Iceland and Sweden in a couple of weeks, and decided to use a coupon I received to get a new GameBoy Advance SP to kill time on the plane. It's pretty sweet, but the games they have for it are simply amazing! Right now I am addicted to Final Fantasy Tactics which is more fun than Dungeon & Dragons ever was... incredible that such a deep and involving game could be fit into the palm of your hand!

If you've got a lot of time to waste, FFT-A is highly recommended! (screenshots were swiped from IGN).

I just read an article (link broken) about some moron in Quebec who took a bear cub from it's mother because he wanted a pet. The cub's constant cries did not deter the man from beating the baby bear, nor half drowning it in an attempt to "domesticate" the poor thing. Idiotic acts like this are truly heartbreaking, and any person that could so cruelly mistreat an animal just doesn't belong on this earth. It's one thing when people do this kind of crap to each other, but quite another when f#@%ing freaks torture innocent animals. I mean, what a worthless piece garbage this sorry excuse for a human being is... and the most he can get is a $2000 fine? What about just shooting the bastard as a service to society? I often wonder where humans are moving towards as a species, and it seems every day I read something that has me convinced it should be extinction... I just hope we don't take the rest of the planet with us.

Well, I guess summer is over. Last night I had to add a blanket to my bed, and this morning I nearly froze for the quick 12-minute trip to Wenatchee (except the palms of my hands, which were toasty-warm thanks to my heated grips!). And even worse than either of those pre-winter tragedies, I ran across this typical scenario:

A small girl with a pink backpack, short-sleeved shirt, and no coat stands shivering at the crosswalk waiting to cross the street and go to school. Car after car just drives on by, leaving her standing there. Never mind that you're supposed to stop for pedestrians because it's the law... it's just the right thing to do. I mean, come on! If you're in a car, you're protected from the elements and even have a heater if it gets too bad. You probably even have a hot cup of coffee to keep you company for the morning commute. So what's your excuse for not stopping to let a little girl out in the cold cross cross the street? Well, I have news for you: unless somebody is dying in the back seat, YOU DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE!

So when I get to the walk, I stop to let her cross, but cars coming from the other direction continue to drive past so she has to stand there. What the f#@% is wrong with you people? Eventually some person with a lick of sense in their head finally stops so the girl can go, but then the car behind me decides to honk their horn! As if it isn't bad enough that people don't bother to stop, now I have some COMPLETE f#@%ING MORON honking because I won't run down a little girl in the middle of the street? How in the heck am I supposed to react to stupid shit like that?

Since my Sony DCS-85 camera has been commandeered at work, I decided to let them have it and buy a new camera for my impending vacation. After countless hours on DP Review (the best resource for digital cameras I've found), I finally decided I wanted the smallest camera I could find that took the best pictures possible for the size. That led me to the Canon PowerShot S400, which is quite a bit smaller than my Sony was.

As with all modern day cameras, it's astoundingly complex to operate. There are dials, menus, buttons, wheels, and a hundred options for each one. The good news is that it seems fairly idiot-proof for basic shooting, so I think we'll get along just fine. Here is my first picture (which happens to be photo of my other favorite new toy) taken through an office window on an overcast day:

The United States government is guilty of many travesties, but the thing that never seems to be addressed anymore is our MIA/POW's. Why in the heck would anybody want to serve this country knowing that they could be abandoned and forgotten is an mystery to me. Those that fought so hard to preserve our freedoms deserve far better than that, regardless of the political situations contributing to them having gone missing. Do I approve of war? Absolutely not. But right or wrong, America should take care of those that take care of us, and anything less is unacceptable. For far too long families and friends of loved ones Missing In Action or taken Prisoner Of War have been left waiting, with our government doing little to nothing to help. On this MIA/POW recognition day, get informed and find out what you can do to give voice to those our own government refuses to hear.

I should have learned my lesson. The last time I bought a Panasonic product, it was an S-VHS VCR that never worked right, even after sending it out for service twice. 10 years later I wanted a DVD recorder, and read a number of reviews which said that the Panasonic DMR-E80H was the best model to get. Turns out it is yet another Panasonic pile of shit. I could not get a DVD-R to burn without getting a fatal error, so I call tech support and am told to try a different brand of media... well, I've tried four different brands now, including the DVD that came with the unit, wasting $50, and have nothing to show for it but a stack of ruined DVDs. PANASONIC IS CRAP. I WILL NEVER BUY ANOTHER PANASONIC PRODUCT EVER. About the only thing worse than their products is their tech support, which is laughably bad considering you are on hold for 20 minutes waiting to talk to anybody. So now I am completely stuck, and have no choice but to send a brand new unit in for service. I can only hope that I have a working DVD recorder waiting for me when I return from Sweden, not that it will change my mind about Panasonic products being absolute and total crap.

What a dilemma! I'm using the restroom at the Detroit airport during a layover. As I finish washing my hands, a guy comes from using the urinal and doesn't wash his hands, nearly running over me on his way out. A few seconds later, I emerge to see the same guy approaching some other guy he apparently knows, reaching out to shake his hand. Now, it occurs to me that I'd probably like to be told if I was about to shake some guy's hand after he's been touching his piece, so it's in my mind to scream out a warning, but what in the heck do you say in a situation like this? I mean, the guy probably has urine and heaven only knows what else splashed on that hand! Even sicker is the fact that it was lunch-time, and this guy probably went on to grab a bite to eat.

I just took the "Political Compass Test" and found out that my political leanings are in line with Ghandi, the Dalai Lama, and Nelson Mandela. I couldn't ask for nicer company.

Why is it that so many people feel the need to stick their nose in other people's business? While waiting in Detroit for my flight back from Stockholm the other day, I purchased a few magazines to have something to + ahem + read... namely, Maxim and Maxim Stuff. I sat down and just started reading an interview with the babealicious lawyer from JAG, Catherine Bell, when some hippie woman across from me has to interrupt:

Uptight Moron: That's not a magazine, it's pornography!

Me: Nobody asked you.

Uptight Moron: I think you should take your smut someplace where children aren't present.

Me: NEWSFLASH: ABSOLUTELY NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK... so shut up and stop bothering me.

She then got up and left in disgust, while some people around me started laughing. I thought for sure she'd end up in the seat next to me on my flight, but sometimes you just get lucky and I never saw her again.

Now look, I am not one to pass my morals (or lack thereof) on other people, and all I ask in return is that you give me the same courtesy. If you feel women in bikinis are pornography, then go protest at a beach somewhere... that's freedom of expression and I'm fine with it. But don't go shoving your "thinking" in my face because, unless you are somebody I know or respect, I just don't give a shit.

Images above were stolen from the Maxim Magazine and Stuff Magazine web sites. Both magazines are packed with high entertainment value, so I recommend picking up several copies.

As some of you might already know, my friend Meagan created her own "photo booth" using an iMac, a video camera, and a custom AppleScript, which we've dubbed Meagan's Video Embarrassment Booth. It is from this nifty invention that I have the little photos of me that litter this blog.

Well, Meagan is at it again, but this time she's being even more crafty in obtaining photos of her subjects (victims?). This morning I fired up an iChat to ask her about an odd problem I was having with Adobe Illustrator, and about 20 minutes later, THIS arrived in my e-mail...

Since the only way I would willingly have my photo taken in her booth was to be too drunk to care, I always thought I had a good excuse as to why my photos looked so goofy. But I was perfectly sober when the above iChat was going on, so I suppose now I have no excuse at all. Thanks a lot Meagan!

Just when I think it can't get any worse, Panasonic manages to prove that it can. As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I bought a brand new Panasonic DVD recorder model #DMR-E80H that was dead on arrival... I could record to the internal hard disk, but any attempt to burn an actual DVD met in failure (which is the entire point of owning the stupid thing in the first place).

Well, it was sent in on the 19th, it's now 3 weeks later, and I still don't have my DVD recorder back. Apparently, they are still waiting for parts. Since nobody ever answers the phone at the service center, and none of my messages are ever returned, I finally started screaming my way to the top of the Panasonic food chain to see if I could get some action out of them (kind of sad that only way you can get results anymore is to scream at people, but I'm more than happy to oblige is that's what it takes). Sadly, the only thing new I've learned is that the part is due next week (note that no promise as to when I'll actually get anything back was made).

So, if there is a lesson to be learned, it's probably this: Don't ever... and I mean EVER... buy anything from Panasonic. They're product quality sucks ass (I had a VCR from them that was crap too), their service policy is abysmal, and the fact that they won't replace a brand new product, but instead choose to sit on it for weeks while they hunt down parts... well, that just about says it all. Why aren't there lemon laws for consumer products like there are for cars?

For a couple of years now, I've relied on SpamCop to keep my mailbox relatively free from unwanted e-mails. Unfortunately, spammers must be getting smarter, because SpamCop is having a difficult time flagging spam anymore, and I get at least twenty in my inbox every day (to say nothing of the HUNDREDS I get each day that SpamCop manages to stop!). If this keeps up, I'm going to be forced to shut down my e-mail accounts and start from scratch. When is somebody going to start hunting down these asswipe spammers and killing them? Laws and threats don't seem to work, but perhaps knowing you might be murdered for sending spam would be a good enough deterrent to keep my inbox clean?

Well crap. As if it weren't bad enough that I am having to park my motorcycle so I can drive to Seattle for the weekend, I go to get my car this morning and find a flat tire! Even worse, closer inspection shows that all of the tires are in pretty bad shape (which sucks considering I paid big bucks and they are just two years old). So now I am waiting for Les Schwab to open so I can go drop $400 on a new set that will hopefully last longer than the last ones.

What a blessing that our governing fathers in their infinite wisdom do so proclaim "Daylite Safing Tyme" so that we have that extra hour of sunlight to do our chores... like feeding the chickens and milking the goats... more daylight to pull water and tend to the fields... time to... uhhh, wait a minute...

Farmers have to get up at sunrise. It doesn't matter what time a clock says. And don't we have electricity now? How stupid are we to still subscribe to this ancient ritual of messing with time? Pretty damn stupid, I'd imagine... well, unless you are lucky enough to live in an enlightened state like Arizona or Hawaii where they ignore Daylight Saving Time altogether.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I'm pissed off that sunset is around 4pm, which is just stupid. It would be nice to get off work and have even a few minutes of sunshine rather than riding home in pitch blackness. Surely I am not to only one who feels this way... what do sensible people have to do to get moronic ancient laws like DST repealed? Does anybody have a good reason why we should still be setting clocks backwards and forwards in the year 2003?

Thank you.

I'm going to quit my job and become a ninja because ninjas kick ass. I just have to remember to pick up some black pajamas and a ninja sword when I'm in Japan, 'cause I don't imagine that they sell that kind of stuff in K-Mart. Think about how much it would rule to be a ninja... you get to assassinate people that bug you (or write you hate-mail or cut you off in traffic) and look really cool doing it. Nobody would mess with a ninja, because you carry that wicked sword around and could just dice up their sorry asses for being stupid.

See? Those are just tiny Lego ninjas and the totally rock! Real ninjas are at least ten times cooler than that.

Well, snow is finally here after numerous false predictions by local weather forecasters. This should make all of my upcoming travel plans interesting.

Just so long as I don't get stuck in Minneapolis for ten hours like last year. Snow sucks ass.

Alrighty then! Here's something I didn't think would happen again in my lifetime... England has won the Rugby World Cup!

As one of those "what happened the year you were born" moments, England winning the World Cup in 1966 is one of those feats that didn't seem likely to happen again (despite several high-profile footballers showing some promise in the late 90's). But thanks to the brilliance and grace of Jonny Wilkinson in the final minutes of the match, they somehow managed to pull it off, snatching the cup from Australia's grasp with a 20 to 17 win.

Image from Sky Sports UK

Sadly, Wilko's history-making moment overshadows his teammate's contribution (and in particular, team captain Martin Johnson, who should get a lot of the credit for 2003's amazing run), but his "Player of the Year" status is much deserved. I don't understand how anybody could be even remotely interested in American football when soccer action is far more exciting (probably has something to do with the fact that we suck so bad at "real" football).

I don't celebrate Christmas so, for me at least, it's just a day I don't have to go to work. It would be too easy to just lay around watching television, so instead I'm working on a complete overhaul of my Hard Rock Cafe web site... DaveCafe... while watching TV. And that's when I discover the "new" meaning of Christmas: exploitation.

ABC is currently running a "Christmas Parade at DisneyWorld" special. Masquerading as entertainment, this program is actually a two-hour advertisement for all things Disney (which happens to be the parent company of ABC television). There sits Regis and Kelly whoring out Disney "Magic Gathering" vacations and the many wondrous things that await you at DisneyWorld... having "guests" fill you in on how much better their lives are because of a Disney vacation at a Disney resort with Disney entertainment.

It's all a complete load of crap, of course. As anybody who has been to Disneyland or Disney World recently can tell you, the parks look like shit. Paint is peeling off the walls, buildings are busted and falling apart. All the new rides are cheap-ass snore-fests like boring old roller coasters and off-the-shelf entertainment no better than what you can find at a local carnival. For example: what's the last "E-Ticket" ride to hit Disneyland? The Indiana Jones Adventure in 1995!! And it's only gone downhill from there. Under the moronic "leadership" of Michael Eisner, Disney is no longer interested in creating unique and engaging entertainment. they only care about the quick buck... exactly the type of thing that Walt Disney was fighting when he created Disneyland in the first place.

So, to Disney and so many others, Christmas is just a weak-ass excuse to promote their lame shit. The very definition of exploitation. I saw more Christmas spirit in Japan where they don't even celebrate the holiday. Hey, wait a minute... Bewitched is on! I wonder what that crazy Larry Tate is up to now?

In coming back from celebrating the New Year with friends in Seattle, I have to travel back over Stevens Pass which just happens to be in the middle of a winter storm warning...

Since I've been driving in heavy snows and icy roads for the past twenty years and make sure that my car has the best snow tires money can buy, I don't worry much about adverse weather. What I DO worry about are other idiots out on the road who don't know what the hell they are doing.

This time was really fun. Cars run into the ditch... pile-ups on the roadway... a cornucopia of idiots who just don't know how to drive in the snow and should be staying at home. My favorite was a moron in a light-duty, rear-wheel-drive pickup with no weight in the back who stopped in the middle of the highway on a hill (blocking an entire lane of traffic) so he could install chains. Dumb-asses everywhere you look!

The good news was that there was a pileup directly behind me (when yet another idiot thought he would do a U-turn in the middle of the highway, but instead got stuck and blocked traffic in both directions)... giving me the entire road to myself! Sweet!

Sure it's pretty, but you can't ride a motorcycle in this crap.

While Britain continues to await a signal from their Beagle 2 Mars Lander, NASA has just announced that their new Mars Rover Spirit has landed safely and is even unpacking itself on the face of the red planet. A second rover Opportunity is due to land on January 24th.

NASA claims that these new Rovers are far more flexible and maneuverable than the Pathfinder Rover which landed in 1996, so we are sure to get some pretty cool photos back. It's amazing to me how the surface of Mars looks exactly like Haleakala Crater in Maui. When the Pathfinder images first arrived, I instantly thought them to be fake since I had "been" there before right here on earth!

I hope that the Beagle 2 team is not too discouraged by their loss. NASA lost a pair of probes in 1999, so their current success is not without some setbacks along the way.

Living with my face every day as I do, it is easy for me to overlook just what a throbbing bundle of cuteness I really am. Until, that is, somebody is kind enough to send an e-mail and remind me. Last week I joined a discussion group and needed a photo for my user profile. Vanity being a trait I don't possess (for obvious reasons... or so I thought), I don't have photos of myself laying around. Well, nothing current anyways. Fortunately, I have an iSight camera on my Mac for just such an occasion, and took a few stills of myself.

Anxious to get underway, I just cropped one of the stills and uploaded it without really thinking about it. Last night, I happened to glance at my profile and thought that the image I had chosen (left) was dopier than usual (even for me). So, I rummaged through the shots and selected another, more serious one (right) to upload. This morning I get this e-mail from "Katie":

You changed your picture! What did you do that for? You were much cuter in that other one where you were smiling a bit!!! ;)

Now that I take a look at both shots, I have to admit... I am much cuter in that first photo (well, I'm either cuter or more constipated-looking, I can't seem to decide about that). So, naturally, I'm off to upload it again. Sure I only got one e-mail complaining, but heaven only knows how many other women I've devastated because I just don't realize how damn cute I am.

Whenever MacWorld rolls around, I find myself giddy with excitement as Steve Jobs takes the stage and proceeds to blow everybody away with the new stuff Apple's got going on. I then find myself filled with pity... pity... for anybody stuck with a crappy Windows PC. This time was no different. One of the major highlights was a nifty re-working of Apple's Soundtrack app into a cooler (and much more accessible) tool called Garage Band. To demo the product, Steve trotted out John Mayer to perform live over a composition he had constructed with sampled loops included with the program...

Then here comes a video with Sheryl Crow saying how Garage Band will help her be more creative in her song-writing because she can conjure up a temporary back-up band to play with as she works. Can't get a much better endorsement than that! Even better is the fact that this cool new tool is bundled together with the rest of Apple's jaw-dropping iApps for just $49. FORTY-NINE DOLLARS!

Macs kick ass.

First of all, thanks to everyone who sent such wonderful ego-stroking e-mails assuring me that I am cute, sexy, adorable, hot, lovable, and generally not so bad to look at (well, I really could have done without such assurances from you Roger, but thanks just the same). I had to re-read my post from a few days ago to make sure that I wasn't threatening to kill myself or something, because the response was unexpected.

Anyway, some had asked how I got pictures from my web cam in the first place, and so I should explain that the images I had up were cropped from the original window snapshot which looks like this:

A friend gave me an AppleScript that allows me to use an app called Snapz Pro to save out a series of snapshots from Apple's iChat A/V using an iSight camera on my Mac. Snapz Pro is a really amazing program, because it has many powerful features and can be AppleScripted to do just about anything. The resulting snapshots can then be saved to a folder with an AppleScript Action attached for automated processing/cropping/color correction/whatever. Some people are having snapshots automatically uploaded to the web at regular intervals, others use it to monitor their homes when they are away. Just a testament to the astounding things you can do with a Mac and very little effort.

Hmmm... before anyone asks, that slash on my cheek is from an accident that occurred on New Years Eve involving alcohol and an Uno Attack game. Fair warning: having a game machine fling cards at you when your reflexes are diminished is just asking for trouble.

Meagan got excited by me using her scripts and ideas to take photographs with my web cam, and forwarded an interesting script that photographs you at regular intervals while you work. From her notes:

... I always take a quick look through the thumbnails and pull the shots with my eyes closed or I'm doing something embarrassing.

Uhhh... problem is that I am really tired, so I have my eyes closed or am doing something embarrassing in almost every shot (or they are blurry because of movement). Oh well. I never realized that I moved around so much while staring at a computer screen for hours-on-end each day.

Spam blows. Even with a spam filtering service and the anti-spam capabilities of Apple's Mail program, I am regularly getting 30 to 40 pieces of spam hitting my In-Box every day (not to mention the hundreds of pieces every day that are filtered out for me).

And now that we have anti-spam legislation in place, I honestly feel that the spam problem will get worse since there are so many loopholes in the law for spammers to hide behind. Now they can send out even more spam because they can claim that they are "in accordance with anti-spam laws." A big "thanks for nothing" to stupid politicians for not solving the problem, but instead making it a big PR stunt for re-election (can't blame them there... everybody hates spam, so it's a win-win topic to stand behind).

With every new day, I am starting to agree with those people who think that ISPs should have to pay for every piece of e-mail they process. They, in turn, can then pass this minimal charge to their customers. Just a simple charge of 2 cents would mean nothing to the average user... 300 e-mails a month would cost just $6.00, so big deal. But to a spammer who sends out millions of e-mails each day? Well, it's not so profitable to spam anymore is it?

The logistics of charging for e-mail is not a simple matter... mail servers would have to start keeping track of e-mails sent for billing, and would also have to refuse e-mails without "postage" on them. And then there's the questions: What about exchanging e-mail with foreign countries that don't charge for e-mail? Should .org non-profits get to send e-mail for free? During the transition, what happens to e-mail without postage? Do we still allow "postage-free" e-mail and, if we do, could it be marked in some way so that users have the option of refusing it?

I haven't a clue, and there are hundreds of other questions that would need to be answered. Given the number of e-mails sent each day, one thing I am sure of is that a charge-per-e-mail system would pay for itself in no time, and any excess funds collected could be put into programs that expand broadband options into rural communities or something.

All I know is that I don't want spam anymore, and I would gladly start paying if it meant an end to it all.

I ran across a proposed bill which would ban all "objectionable" language from radio and television. Now I can't get the song It's Easy Mmmkay (from the South Park movie) out of my head as I try to mentally picture radio shock jocks trying to learn how to stop swearing on the air...

You can do it Its all up to you-mmmmmkay.
With a little plan you can change your life today!
You dont have to spend your life addicted to smack...
Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for crack.
Follow my plan and very soon you will see, its easy mmmkay...
Step 1: Instead of ass say buns, like "kiss my buns" or "you're a buns hole."
Step 2: Instead of shit say poo, as in "bull poo," "poo head," and this "poo is cold."
Step 3: With bitch drop the t because bich is latin for generosity.
Step 4: Dont say f#@% any more because f#@% is the worst word that you can say!
So just use the word "mmmkay!"

Now, out of respect for others, I never swear in mixed company... oh no, I save that kind of language for my friends, family, and this blog. But I have to say that harsh words have lost their shock value to me anymore... through years of constant exposure, words like "f#@%" have no more worse meaning to me than "darn." Yes, it's a shame that today's youth have turned into foul-mouthed little perverts... but what's the use in stopping the swearing on radio and television when kids can hear far worse on the school playground? Mmmkay?

I finally got around to ordering up a new serious" camera to replace my faithful Canon A-1 that I've owned for the past 20 years. The big question was, would I stick with a film camera, or switch to a digital SLR? After a month of going back and forth... (digital will never be as good as film but, after you've used digital, let's face it: the thought of going back to film blows)... I decided to go with a Canon EOS Rebel Digital.

When I called FedEx, they said they would flag it for Saturday Delivery, but Fed-Ex doesn't deliver on Saturday to where I live, so I drove the 40 minutes to the airport only to find it still hadn't made it (despite having "left the ramp" at Spokane hours ago). Nothing quite like being at the mercy of FedEx when you have a new toy coming.

My Canon EOS Digital Rebel camera finally arrived today after Fed-Ex missed two previous delivery commitments. While it was worth the wait, it is very different than the string of smaller (and much lighter) digital cameras I've been using over the past 5 years. I hold up my Canon PowerShot 400 next to the new one and find it's easily 8 to 10 times bigger!

This worries me a bit, as I had forgotten what a bummer it is to pack around a neck-anchor during my travels. But, then again, after only an hour of playing around with the Digital Rebel I'm remembering just how much I gave up when I switched away from film. This baby is sweet! It shoots beautifully in just about any condition I've thrown at it (including low light), and I'm amazed at some of the shots I'm getting... exactly the type of stuff I used to shoot for film, but with all the convenience of digital.

So now I'm psyched to get out and take some photos. And I already want to go out and buy $1000 worth of additional lenses (which only seems fair considering how much I will save in film and developing costs).

Today I was walking through the mall on my way to get a haircut when I ran across a small boy standing in the middle of the walkway looking confused and crying. Twenty years ago... hell, even ten years ago... anybody with half a heart would jump in and offer to help the kid. Sadly, we live in modern times when such an act of kindness could so easily get you into trouble.

I knelt in front of the little guy, being careful that my hands were out to my sides and in plain view, then told him my name and asked him: "Are you okay? Are you lost?" In-between sobs, I found out he was indeed lost. "Are you here with your mommy or daddy?" No, he was here with his grandma.

So now what? If I were to take his hand and try to lead him to somebody who could help, it could give somebody the very wrong impression that I was some kind of child molester kidnapping the kid. Can't have that. So what I ultimately did was tell him that I would stay there with him and see if we could get somebody to find his grandmother. Eventually I managed to flag down a girl in a nearby store and ask her to call security. But before they could arrive, grandma came running and everything was okay.

But not really.

The entire drive home, I got to thinking about how horrible our world has become. Even the best of intentions can end up having dire consequences... try to help somebody who has been fatally shot, then get slapped with a wrongful death lawsuit... try to help a lost little boy, then get thrown in prison for attempted child abduction. What the hell? Is the world we are making for ourselves really the one we want?

In the end, I try not to blame society as a whole. Instead I blame f#@%ing child molesters and f#@%ing child abductors for forcing society to have to be so suspicious of anybody who would try to help a lost child. f#@% you all.

I woke up in a bad mood for no reason at all which, naturally, means the rest of my day is going to be crap. That being the case, I decided I might as well get caught up on a bunch of stuff I really hate because it would be a shame to do those things on a day when I am in a good mood.

I start out by opening my mail from the past 3 months. Since all my bills arrive electronically, I just stack up my mail in a big pile with the assumption that anything in there is probably not very important and can wait a while. Well, the pile is now over a foot and a half tall, and I am running out of creative ways to stack new mail on top without it falling over, so I guess now is the time. After 40 minutes of opening and sorting junk mail, Christmas cards, invitations to parties I wasn't here to go to, motorcycle magazines, and the like, I find out there are exactly 14 pieces of mail worthy of my attention:

• 3 bank statements.
• 2 bank overdraft notices from when I was in Asia... apparently I ran out of money and didn't realize it. More likely, my stupid bank's online access was down (as usual) and I couldn't find out how much money was in there when I was paying bills. That's $60 in OD charges down the tube.
• A notice from NorthWest Airlines congratulating me on achieving Elite status in my mileage club again this year (big surprise).
• A letter informing me that a client I've done work for has entered bankruptcy (so that's why they never paid their invoices and refuse to answer e-mails or take my calls!).
• 3 bills from Bon/Macys dated November, December, and January.
• A letter from Bon/Macys asking why I have not paid my bill for 3 months (well, if you would have sent the bill to the address I gave you for my electronic billing service instead of using my physical address, I would have paid it).
• Renewal notices for TV Guide and CycleWorld.
• An autographed photo of Betty White I won in an eBay auction for $12 (SCORE! What can I say, Betty White totally rocks!).

I need to go into work today, but have just realized that I don't have any clean underwear. For some reason I feel clean underwear is important (even on my day off) so I suppose that I'll be washing some clothes first. Boy, I'll bet you wish you had stopped reading about two paragraphs ago! In fact, why are you still reading this? Are you really so bored that a list of what I got in the mail and having no clean underwear is an appealing read? Really? Well, I'm awfully sorry about that... I promise to get in a high-speed car chase or be shot in a convenience store robbery or something so that my next entry will be a bit more entertaining.

A couple of weeks ago somebody wrote me an e-mail asking about "Brian's Amazing Bread Carving Contest" from way back in September of 2000 (which was odd, because I didn't remember them being there). Then yesterday I accidentally stumbled across my Apple .Mac Gallery while looking for somebody else's and suddenly understood how total strangers had come to know about the bread. Somehow I had forgotten that I had put those photos on the web.

Here is one of the strips, which is tagged "My winning entry in Brian's Amazing Bread Carving Contest (still drunk) 9/15/00."

Here's the story... my good friend Meagan (whose home-made photo booth is responsible for all the photos you see of me at the beginning of each blog entry) decided to have an "Art Party" for some of her talented artistic-minded friends (no, I haven't a clue as to why I was on the guest list). On the invitation was written BYOAP, which stood for "Bring Your Own Art Project," which meant that you had to bring some kind of craft competition for the entire group of ten. After each round of competition, Meagan would award prizes for the best entry, and then take photos of the winning artist in her booth.

I brought paper plates, glue, dried beans, and paints (you put the beans in-between two plates glued together to make a shaker, and then paint it). Somebody brought modeling clay. Somebody else bought Shrinky Dinks. They were all simple projects that you could find in any kindergarten class, which is a good thing because there was heavy drinking the entire time. As the evening progressed, even simple craft projects become difficult when a bunch of drunks are trying to do them. As you can see by these photos, I was pretty hammered early in the evening (I think this was taken around 7pm!)... my shirt has already gone missing because I had gotten paint all over it:

As it neared midnight, Meagan's apartment was a total mess and everybody had been drinking way too much. But there had been only 9 competitions, and one prize remained to give out. Brian had not yet had his art competition! Well, Brian is a starving artist which means he had no funds available to purchase an art project... all his money goes towards rent and food. The only thing he had to bring was a loaf of bread and popsicle sticks, which he dubbed "Brian's Amazing Bread Carving Contest."

In our drunken state, carving bread with popsicle sticks was a near-impossible task. Most people just wadded their bread into a ball and then shoved the sticks into it. I gave up on using the stick, and used the cap from a liquor bottle to punch holes in the bread for eyes... and then used the edge of a glass to stamp out a mouth. Since my "Bread Happy Face" was the only entry even remotely recognizable, I won the prize (which was a Neil Gaiman "Death" coffee mug).

I was going to save Mr. Bread and spray him with shellac so I could hang him on my wall, but Brian ate him shortly after my booth photos were taken.

Wow! I just got an e-mail from a guy who saw my blog entry from yesterday and asked if that was a copy of Depeche Mode's 101 Tour DVD behind my head. Sure enough, it is! I have no idea how he managed to pick that out of the background of my apartment, since it's barely visible (should I be worried about that kind of scrutiny?). Depeche Mode is one of my all-time favorite bands, and their Music for the Masses tour (which was featured in the concert film 101) was the single best live show I've ever been to in my entire life. What I remember most about that concert is that I went with a friend (not a big DM fan) who was blown away by the experience. The concert opens with a little concerto called Pimpf where the entire audience was chanting and had their arms waving toward the stage... he thought we had wandered into a cult instead of a concert!

To answer another question... the photo was taken by my new (and broken) camera, which I set on top of a stack of boxes, and then set for a 15 second delay. I too was astounded that I managed such a feat of dexterity so early in the morning.

Last night I needed a distraction from my brand-new camera having to be sent in for repair (which FedEx delivered to the repair facility at 9:18am this morning) so I decided to clean out my storage closet. After only 10 minutes I found my old Atari ST computer, which I still hold on to so that I can play the best game ever: Dungeon Master! All cleaning had to stop so that I could set up the computer. Much to my horror, I found out that I can't seem to get it to boot up. That's a real shame, because running through Dungeon Master again would be too cool. Maybe it's time to finally toss out the old Atari?

Oh well, it was easy to set the computer aside so I could watch the ultimate television distraction: American Chopper (congratulations Vinnie!). The only problem is that watching the show just makes me want to ride my motorcycle even more. This weekend I had to run to the neighboring "big city" and saw three motorcycles out. Then I look outside my window this morning and see that the snow is melting bit by bit and the sun is shining in a clear-blue sky. My hopes are up that this could be the week I take my ride out of storage! But then I go out to my car and see this:

Frost everywhere! And then on the way to work I notice that there are patches of ice and a lot of gravel still on the roads. It looks like there will be no motorcycle for me this week after all. As much as I am dying to ride, the last thing I would want would be to dump my bike on the first run I take this year!

Everybody I know is sick. Not "sick as in they need to be institutionalized for kicking a puppy"... but rather "sick as in they have a cold, or a sinus infection, or the flu, or some other illness that I don't want." I worry that if things get any worse I will arrive at work tomorrow only to find the place closed due to an ebola outbreak. All we need is a little more bad luck, and I'm sure an infested monkey will turn up somewhere...

For some reason, I don't get sick. Honestly, I can't tell you the last time I've had a cold or the flu or anything like that. I'd like to chalk it up to good living, but since I don't get much exercise and eat for crap, I'm sure that's not the case. Maybe I've just got good luck when it comes to health (it would be nice to know I've gotten lucky somewhere in my life). Maybe my body has decided to save all my sick days, and everything is going to go wrong all at the same time? That would suck!

Weather forecasters have one job... to predict the weather. And yet, more often than not, they get it completely wrong. Here in the States, we have a "three-day weekend" because of the President's Day holiday on Monday. Naturally, the only question on my mind is "will I be able to take my motorcycle out of storage?" In order to answer that question, I need to know what is going to happen with the weather.

When I woke up this morning, the forecast predicted snow all day, and sunshine for the rest of the weekend. But the snow never came. Then the forecast changed to sunshine today, snow tomorrow, and sunshine for the rest. Over the past 8 hours, the forecast has been fluctuating constantly. Now it's looking like this:

Crap! I can only hope that this is very wrong, because weather like this means me and my motorcycle won't be going anywhere. Why didn't I think to have a career as a weather forecaster? It's the only job I know of where you can be paid good money, get everything all wrong, and yet still be allowed to come back to work again the next day.

Well, apparently there is one other job that allows such gross incompetence: President of the United States.

I have mixed feelings on Valentine's Day... especially since I don't have a valentine this year. On one hand, I admit that it's kind of nice to have somebody so special that the rest of your life seems unimportant. On the other hand, I think back to other years where I did have one, and can't help but think that maybe I am better off this year. Here is a typical Valentine's Day for Dave...

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Which is why I'm not too broken up when the guy they dump me for proceeds to dump them. I am not posting this to make people feel sorry for me... I'm way past that. I am just putting this out there my ex=girlfriend won't expect me to feel sorry for her when they come back looking for sympathy because the guy they dumped me for turns out to be a shit. Sure, I try to be a nice guy and all... but not to the point of being stupid.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Last week at work was pretty slow because so much was broken that there wasn't a lot I could do. Network down. Printer broken. Files destroyed. Well, today the network is up and running (for a while anyway), a new printer arrived, and all my files have been restored. So now I am having to work twice as hard to make up for not getting anything done before. That pretty much means my entire week is going to suck. Whatever.

Tonight I got a lovely call from the credit department at Bon-Macys telling me that my credit rating was in the toilet because they have not received payment for the past 3 months. Well, as I blogged a while back, I would have gladly paid the bills had they been sent to the billing address I had given them.

Long story short, they removed the late fees, corrected the address to what it should have been in the first place, and promise to fix my records with the credit bureau people (apparently they decided to trash my credit report before they bothered to call me?!?). This is so insane because I didn't want the card in the first place... I only got it so I could save $20 on a suitcase I bought.

I'm so mad right now that I wish there was a clown's ass I could set on fire. I hate clowns. Clowns are scary.

Anyway, here is a helpful hint... when you apply for a credit card, be SURE that you ask to fill out a paper application. Do not trust the person at the cash register to enter it in the machine directly!! Otherwise they could switch your addresses around and send your bills to the wrong address and give you a bad credit rating because they're stupid.

I came into work early today so that I could finish up the last of my backlog only to find that the network is still down. That means I can't work after all, so now I'm really, really bored. Here is a picture of me being bored...

Oh terrific. Now that I'm done playing with my iSight camera, I'm back to being bored again.

A year ago today, a good friend from my college days got married (happy anniversary!). Sure I was stuck in a tuxedo all day, but didn't mind too much because it ended up being a really cool ceremony. One of the niftiest things about it was the wedding favors, which were small pine tree seedlings in plastic tubes...

"In the spirit of new beginnings, we would like to give you this seedling. We hope that you will plant it, nurture it, watch it take root and grow, just as we hope we will grow together in our new life."

I really took that request to heart, and went out and spent $50 on a blend of three kinds of potting soil, greenhouse grade gravel, and a ceramic pot to put it all in. Then I had to haul out the Dremel tool to make a drainage plate out of a Tupperware lid and spend an hour getting everything planted. A girl I know said that anything you spend that kind of money on should have a name, and dubbed it "Oscar."

Well, one year later, I'm happy to say that Oscar is still hanging in there...

In some ways, there is a lot of pressure to keep Oscar healthy. If he dies, what does that mean for the marriage? I got a little worried because he went dormant through the winter, but now I think he is waking up again because there are tiny little buds popping out all over. I know nothing about trees, so I can only hope that's a good thing. Way to go little buddy! Hmmm... the tips of his needles look yellow. I wonder what that means?

I wish I was a Hollywood star so I had millions of dollars to blow on really stupid things. And then, when I ran out of really stupid things to buy, I could find eccentric things to buy... like a new face! Every time I turn on the television, I'm seeing surgically-altered stars sporting plastic surgery that looks completely bizarre. I simply cannot grasp why these people butcher themselves like that. The most common look in Hollywood now is one of constant surprise... where the eyebrows are floating well above their intended place because the face was lifted just a bit too much. Everywhere you look, people look like plastic. How can they not see it?

While talking on the phone this morning, I became curious to know what I would look like now if I had become a movie star millionaire ten years ago (and got really bored with my money). Here is what I came up with:

Cool! I gave myself cheek implants, chin implants, lip implants, hair plugs, a brow & eye lift, a nose job (or seven) and a few face peels for that oh-so-smooth look. But I think it's the permanent tattooed-on eye liner that's the clincher here! What a babe! I'm so sexy now that even I would date me! I can't decide if I look like a sexier Ben Affleck or a less sexy Michael Jackson...

How many needless deaths and millions in property damage does it take before the privelage to drive is better regulated? Not to long ago an elderly man accidentally killed several people because he got confused and pressed the gas pedal when he meant to hit the brakes while driving down a crowded street. Minutes ago, a similar thing happened right here in my little home town... apparently an elderly driver was flipping a U-turn in town, got confused at a crucial moment, and then gave our local pharmacy a drive-thru where there wasn't one before...

Thankfully, through some miracle, nobody was killed or injured. But that's just luck... people could have very easily died because of this. I regularly blog about the perils of driving a motorcycle on the same streets as inattentive and idiotic drivers, but WTF? This just proves that you don't have to be a motorcyclist to have cause to worry. Sure it's convenient to talk on your mobile phone while driving... but was it worth it if you kill somebody? Is eating that Egg McMuffin more important than somebody's life? And shouldn't something be done to screen elderly drivers before things like this happen? Driving is a privilege, but it's a privilege that some people shouldn't have.

I just got an e-mail from somebody who noticed that my cartoon persona looks a little different in last night's entry. Yeah, and it's all Meagan's fault! This coming weekend I have to get my picture taken for a benefit I am involved in... I am not a big fan of being photographed, and mentioned to Meagan during an iChat that I'd have to get over being lazy and show up clean-shaven for the shoot. Bummer.

About an hour later, I got an e-mail where Meagan had doctored photos of me with variations of mustaches, beards, and other craziness (I look great as Hitler!) and said I should be a little creative before wiping the slate clean (and by "slate" I can only assume she had meant my face). Naturally, I said "no way," because that's more maintenance than I feel like taking on each morning, but then she laid on the guilt about having spent an hour on the photos and said it would only be for a week anyway.

Argh! Women can pretty much talk me into anything...

Enabler! Just because women have hot bodies brilliant minds, you think that men will do anything you want!!

You're right, of course.

Very few things surprise me. Often times the stuff that does manage to surprise me is not anything earth-shattering, but instead some odd fact that I should know, but somehow don't. For instance, there is a friend that I hadn't spoken to in ages, and something came up that made me think of them. Problem is, I have no idea where they are, or how to get ahold of them. My first instinct when wanting to contact somebody is to Google them and see if an e-mail address, street address, phone number, place of work, or some other relevant piece of information comes up. Since Google knows everything, this is not a wholly unreasonable assumption.

Imagine my surprise to find that there are people who have zero presence on the internet.

I don't know why I find this to be surprising or bizarre. Odds are most of these people could care less that they are not on the Net (and would probably be happy about it if they knew). It's actually a bit refreshing considering that people who want to be on the Web are forever fretting about their visibility and Google rank. Turns out there is a world outside of the internet after all.

I've never really had reason to fear the dentist. Whenever people would talk about how much they hate going to the dentist, I would just smile politely and puzzle over what was so terrible about it. After all, for my entire life, I've never had any dental problems... no cavities... no root canals... nothing interesting at all. I always took care of my teeth, so a trip to the dentist was like a vacation with minty-freshness at the end.

Until recently, that is.

Now everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. This morning I had abnormally deep grooves in my back teeth routed out and re-filled with a bizarre tooth-like substance. All I have to show for it is a shiny new green toothbrush, dental floss, and an aching jaw.

Now I know exactly what people have been fearing about the dentist all along. Huge needles, horrible tastes in my mouth, and kick-ass grinding and suction noises. It goes something like this...

It is not a pleasant experience. Though I imagine it could have been worse...

Dental Assistant Lady: Would you like gas?
Dave: GAS?!?
Dental Assistant Lady: Yes, it will help you relax.
What Dave is thinking: AAAACK! YES, GIVE ME THE f#@%ING GAS!! GIVE IT TO ME NOW BEFORE I USE YOUR HEAD LIKE A BATTERING RAM TO BREAK THROUGH THE WINDOW AND ESCAPE THIS TORTURE CHAMBER!!! GIVE ME! GIVE ME! GIVE MEEEEE!
What Dave says: Gas sound great, thanks.

Since I didn't end up killing anybody, I guess that gas stuff must really work. If you have to be tortured by a dentist, I highly recommend it.

Tele-marketers suck ass. That's why I was thrilled that a National Do Not Call Registry was initiated so that people I don't know won't call at all times of the day and night wanting me to buy their crap. Since I haven't received a tele-marketer call in months, I can only guess that it's working. Problem solved, right? WRONG! Apparently, if you are a political organization, charity, or are giving a survey, you can still call and bug the shit out of people any time you want. Unfortunately, I found this out the hard way on the worst possible night.

As anybody who has been reading this blog knows, I have not been able to sleep in weeks. The problem is so serious that I am considering seeing a doctor to find out what's wrong with me. Well, tonight I was starting to feel sick from lack of sleep... everything seems fuzzy and I am unable to concentrate. Out of desperation, I took a handful of sleeping pills around 8:00 and went to bed at 9:00 with the hope of getting even a few hours of uninterrupted rest.

Twenty minutes later, just as I am drifting into dreamland and thinking I may actually get some sleep tonight, the phone rings. I snap awake in a panic wondering if somebody I know has been put in the hospital or has died or something equally horrible has happened. I run to the phone with a sense of dread overwhelming me, only to find out that it's a f#@%ing survey. That's right, my first shot at sleep IN WEEKS has completely turned to shit because somebody wants me to take some kind of survey...

Dave: Hello?
Survey Asshole: I'm with a National organization gathering research...
Dave: WHAT? It's past 9:00 at night... I was IN BED!!
Survey Asshole: Our organization is one of the largest...
Dave: I DON'T CARE! It's past 9:00, I was SLEEPING, and am not interested. Don't call me again! Put me on your do-not call list and never bother me again!
Survey Asshole: WE DON'T HAVE ONE!!! We are a national organization gathering research for children with asthma and need...
Dave: Whatever.

It's at this point I wish I had an old-fashioned phone that I could slam down, but all I can do is press the "OFF" button on my handset and throw the phone on the table. That was an hour ago. Any chance I had of getting any sleep tonight has been effectively destroyed. For the next 8 hours, I'll sit in front of the television like a zombie as my body fights the massive amount of sleeping pills I've taken, refusing to sleep. What in the heck is wrong with me? Googling "sleep disorders" gives me a lot of possibilities, but no answers.

Right now I am so burning mad that I want to disconnect my phone. But what if there's an emergency and somebody needs me? I guess that's not an option after all. This sucks. I don't give a crap what organization you work for, or how worthy your cause is... NOBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BOTHER RANDOM PEOPLE OVER THE PHONE!! EVER! While I have every sympathy for kids with asthma (even though I have no kids, nor do I know any that have asthma), waking people up at night is just wrong.

I think my Tivo has a few episodes of Keen Eddie in the queue, but I may not have the brain power for a show like that. I wonder what's playing on Cartoon Network?

SCORE! In a half-hour, there's an episode of Family Guy on. I wonder what nefarious plot baby Stewie will come up with to kill Lois this time?

To all those touched by yet another senseless act of violence in our sad world... may peace eventually find you, as you are ever in my thoughts.

What kind of monster purposely attacks a civilian target where innocent children are bound to be slaughtered?

I try very hard not to personally attack people in a public forum (such as this blog), but there are moronic tools in this world that sometimes makes this difficult. Case in point: Ken Schram, commentator for KOMO 4 News in Seattle. It's not that I disagree with the points he makes (I actually find myself agreeing with some of the things he says), it's instead the dumbass approach he takes to delivering his opinion that makes me want to beat the crap out of him. He thinks himself to be witty and sharp, when he is actually really, really stupid (the only reason I even tolerate his dimwit ass is that KOMO 4 has the coolest weatherman ever, Steve Pool).

Today his commentary had me wishing that Steve Pool would trade networks, or that KOMO 4 would finally just get rid of Schram's tired rhetoric (I've loathed him ever since his lame Town Meeting show over a decade ago). Here's Ken trying to be clever over the Canuck's Bertuzzi opening a can of whoop-ass and hospitalizing a hockey player on the other team:

"Let's be honest, fighting is to professional hockey what bad taste is to Howard Stern: Inseparable. So let's quit pretending to be "shocked" when some hockey player gets seriously hurt. You want sedate? Go watch a golf game."

Did you see that? Schram managed to slam golf AND get a dig in on Stern's recent censorship troubles while stating his opinion! Isn't that just the most clever way to make a point ever? Isn't he just funny??

Uh, no. That's not clever or funny Ken... it's just sad you dipshit ass-hat. You wouldn't last 10 seconds if you were to go up against Stern. You see, unlike yourself, Stern has original thoughts. All you do is regurgitate popular liberal opinions and toss in some meaningless bullshit that is completely unrelated to the subject and think yourself relevant (something that hasn't been true for your entire career).

Let's be honest... witty, compelling dialogue is to Ken Schram what poor ratings are to Howard Stern: nonexistent.

Finally, I had a most excellent weekend! Some friends had invited me to see Ron "Tater Salad" White's stand-up comedy show in Seattle and, since he was the funniest part of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVD, I very much wanted to go. Comedians usually repeat their material over and over, so I was guessing that most of his show I would have already seen on the DVD, but this was not the case with Mr. White. Most of the show was entirely new material, with only two bits (and the encore) being something I had already heard.

Since the name of his show was the Drunk in Public Tour, it seemed only fitting that we were drunk to see it. I don't know whether that was a contributing factor, but the show was funny. Of course, the only problem with spending your night amazingly drunk, is the hangover you get the next morning. Fortunately, we tried a new "dietary supplement" called "Chaser" that claims to eliminate hangovers entirely. Surprisingly enough, it actually worked for some of us (including me!). No spinning room, headache, body aches, dry heaves, nothing! That's pretty cool. It's a shame I don't drink very often anymore, because it's sure a lot more fun without a hangover!

One of my intentions for this weekend was to drink enough that I could pass out and finally get some sleep. Unfortunately, our drink of choice was a Jäger Bomber, which made getting any sleep impossible. A Jäger Bomber is a chilled glass half-filled with Red Bull that you then drop a shot glass filled with Jägermeister into. Since Red Bull is a high-energy drink that is specially formulated to keep you awake and energized, having seven Jäger Bombers with beer backs and a Long Island Iced Tea means I was even more awake that usual.

Anyway, after a lovely two-hour drive home, it's now 2:00 PM, and I still haven't been to bed yet. Here's hoping I can manage a quick nap before Alias comes on at 9:00!

I used to enjoy driving. You could hop in your car and, through the miracle of modern automotive technology, safely and efficiently be whisked off to just about anywhere you wanted to go. I remember how great it was when I got my driver's license... driving is freedom, driving is fun!! But that's not true anymore. Driving now-a-days isn't fun because of the astounding number of stupid, stupid, STUPID people on the road. We have laws that make it illegal to drive because you're under the influence of alcohol, where are the laws that make it illegal to drive because you are a dumbass?

Today I had to run a work-related errand into the "Big City," just 13 miles away. During this short trip, I was almost in FOUR accidents (yes, FOUR!) because people are MORONS.

Moron #1: Coming into the city, there is a cement wall that acts as a lane division between the incoming and outgoing traffic. I was in the left lane, nearest to the wall, when a total f#@%ing moron in a big truck decided to turn into my lane. Had I not slammed on the brakes and hugged the cement wall, he would have destroyed my car (and had I been on my motorcycle, I would probably be dead). Honking my horn had no effect... I don't think he noticed, and probably wouldn't have cared had he done so. Helpful Hint: Take a look into the lane you're turning into to be sure somebody isn't already there, especially if you are driving a big-ass truck that could squash a car. As a public service, I took a picture of this ass-clown so that if you see him on the road you can get the hell out of the way before he kills you...

Moron #2: When I finally made it into the city proper, the lanes split off in two directions... the left lanes go downtown, and the right lanes continue into the city. Well, yet another truck driver who was in the right-most lane decided he wanted to go downtown, and didn't care that he was cutting across three lanes of traffic. Unfortunately, the traffic signal for downtown turned red, leaving the idiot blocking all four lanes of traffic. The person behind me didn't see what was happening, wasn't able to stop, and ended up on the sidewalk (which is better than running into me, but scary just the same). Helpful Hint: if you miss an exit, don't f#@%up everybody else's day by doing something stupid... take the next exit instead! Here is a handy map to explain what happened...

Moron #3: After I completed my errand, I turned around to come back home. As I was heading out of the city, a car intending to turn into traffic overshot her lane and took half of mine as well. Again, I had to slam on the brakes to avoid being nailed. As I drove past this lunatic woman, I saw the reason she didn't make the turn... she was steering with her elbows because she had just bought some food at Wendy's and was trying to unwrap it while holding onto a cup of french fries at the same time. Helpful Hint: your dashboard is not a buffet... if you must eat while driving, take the time to organize your food-stuff BEFORE pulling into traffic so you can have at least one hand on the wheel. Better yet, since you are obviously too stupid to be driving and eating at the same time, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME! I would have taken a photo, but I was too busy trying to keep this idiotic asshole from slamming into me.

Moron #4: When I finally made it out of The Big City, I figured I was safe. WRONG! I am heading down the highway when I see a cardboard box in my lane. I slow down so I can get around it, only to find another box behind it. Once I'm past the boxes, I speed up again. All of a sudden, a huge piece of grey styrofoam flies into my windshield, blinding me temporarily. That's when I notice a flatbed truck up ahead that has of boxes flying off of it. Even worse, when I pull up beside the guy to try and let him know his shit is being scattered all over the highway, he is wearing big-ass headphones and couldn't hear me trying to get his attention. Helpful Hint: strap down any cargo you are hauling so it doesn't end up blowing into cars behind you... also, DRIVING WITH HEADPHONES ON IS ILLEGAL YOU STUPID f#@%!! Ordinarily, I wouldn't think of trying to take a photograph while cruising down the highway at 60 miles per hour, but how else were people going to believe it?? That big open box is where the styrofoam came from that hit me...I think the entire box flew off after I passed him. Notice he's nearly out of the lane as well (yeee-hawwww!)...

I feel lucky to have made it home in one piece But what the hell? Is it just me? Am I unlucky or something?!? Do people not realize that cars and trucks are lethal killing machines when they are not operated properly? Not paying attention, being careless, or driving with distractions can get someone killed. D-E-A-D! Do people really care so little for others that they are willing to risk lives (including their own)... or are they just so stupid that they think an accident won't happen to them no matter how big of an idiot they are? PAY ATTENTION OR TAKE THE BUS YOU f#@%ING MORONS!! LIVES ARE AT STAKE HERE!!

I don't think driving is very much fun anymore.

I took off work this afternoon to go pick up my motorcycle. Boy is it good to have her back! I knew I missed riding, but I had no idea just how much.

In a wild coincidence that's just too good not to share, I found out when I got home that my small town had the main street blocked off. What could this be about? Well, it turns out that there is a Harley-Davidson motorcycle rally and parade in town tonight! How freaky is that? My BMW was a little out of place, but I still had a lot of fun wandering around to see all the Harley metal that was here... all of it beautiful, and some of the custom work mesmerizing. Sadly, I didn't have my camera on me... I left it in my car and completely forgot about it when I transferred to my motorcycle.

Here's where the "freaky" becomes "downright bizarre." When I got home, I did a Google search to find out about the motorcycle rally in town and was shocked to discover that we were also the site of the "24th Annual Cascade Country BMW Rendezvous/Swap Meet" in 1996! I have no idea how I missed that (this is a small town!), and can only guess I was out of the country or something. Still, I can't help but wonder if I had known about the rally back then if I would have got back into riding seven years earlier. Stuff like this messes with your head.

As I blogged a while back, the creation of the National Do Not Call List is not stopping bastards I don't know from calling at all hours... they always have some kind of loophole that they claim makes them immune from the list. Here's a clue for anybody calling to sell me something: immunity doesn't make you any less of an asshole, so don't expect me to be happy when you call. On the contrary, I will probably yell at you and then threaten to hunt you down and kill you. Here's a typical example:

It's 8:40 at night and the phone rings while I am watching television. I answer the call, but there is nobody there... they've hung up. I then check the Caller ID and see it is a company called "RESULTS TECHNOLOGY @ 1-815-754-8823." So I call the ass-clowns back and get a voice recording. As I navigate around, I find a menu option to be removed from their call list, so I enter my number. Then I get a message telling me that their call volume is too high, and I should try back another time (keep in mind that I am PAYING for this call).

For the next two nights, I get the same call and each time I try to be removed without success. Finally I try a few other menu options and learn that "RESULTS TECHNOLOGY" is a front for STONEBRIDGE LIFE INSURANCE, a company where I have a small policy. That explains why they can call me... we have an "existing business relationship" which makes them immune from the list!

What a bunch of slimy assholes! I call Stonebridge Life to tell them to STOP CALLING ME, and the woman takes down my name and number and tells me that I will be removed. But before I can hang up, she wants to sell me some cancer insurance. Can you believe this crap?!?

If I get another call tomorrow night I will go to their offices at 2700 West Plano Parkway in Plano, Texas and beat the crap out of some people. I hope the company president isn't out golfing or something, because his ass is getting kicked first.

Today is the 25th anniversary of McDonald's "Happy Meal" which, for those of your fortunate enough to live in a McDonald's-Free zone, is a meal for kids that includes a hamburger, fries, cookies, a drink, and a toy surprise. I'm sure I ate a few Happy Meals when I was a kid, but don't much remember them growing up. I became a vegetarian in 1987, so the only time I run into a Happy Meal now-a-days is when I am with kids who are eating them or buying them for somebody else who is collecting the toys.

The current blog meme running around the internet is "What's your favorite Happy Meal Toy," which is an easy one for me. About 5 years ago I was at a photo shoot in Seattle when I got a call from my mother who was trying to collect all of the "Mini Beanie Baby" toys that were in the meals at the time. She wanted a "Strut the Rooster" toy, and the local branch had sold out. Since there was a McDonalds around the corner from my hotel, I told her I'd give it a shot (the irony being that you could get a cute chicken toy along with your dead chicken McNuggets!).

Whenever I had done this for somebody in the past, I always just pay for the meal and tell them to keep the food. But this time was a little different...

On my way to the restaurant, I came across a homeless gentleman who asked if I could spare some change so he could get something to eat. I explained that I am unable to hand out money (I cannot be party to them using it to harm themselves or other people), but I would be happy to buy him something from McDonalds if he cared to wait for it. He looked pretty miserable, so along with the Happy Meal, I went ahead and bought him a cup of coffee, a few bottles of orange juice, and an extra hamburger. I then made my way back to the guy, handed him the food, and turned to leave after he had said his thanks.

That's when he stopped me and asked "didn't you get anything for yourself to eat?" I explained that no, I had already eaten, I just needed to go to McDonalds so I could get the toy for my mom. This puzzled him greatly, and he asked to see it...

He took one look at "Strut the Rooster," neatly sealed in a plastic bag, and said something that has forever haunted me to this day... "It looks like it costs more money to make the toy than the food." It was a simple observation of such insight and clarity that I was stunned it had never occurred to me before. Probably because I am fortunate enough to have never gone hungry.

When I got home a week later, somebody had already found a "Strut the Rooster" for my mom, and so I kept the one I got. He sits on top of my computer at work as a constant reminder that there are people in the world who go hungry every day, and I should be forever grateful that I am not one of them.

I try to be.

What happened? I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish this weekend, now it's half over and I have only managed to complete item #1... which was to go for a ride on my motorcycle (a beautiful way to spend 3 hours, I must say). Items #2 - #16 are still sitting there. I suppose I could start in on #2 first thing in the morning, but I think it's probably a better idea to start all over from #1 and see how that goes. Just in case you care, here were my weekend plans back when I thought I could actually manage to get something done...

1. Ride my motorcycle.
2. Finish up the revision to my Hard Rock site.
3. Wash clothes (only one pair of boxers left!).
4. Watch Disc 3 of my Family Guy 1st and 2nd Season DVD set.
5. Clear shows off of TiVo to make more room for the Arrested Development marathon.
6. Clean out the freezer.
7. Back up my hard drive.
8. Update my iPod.
9. Sort through my mail from the past few weeks.
10. Order some new clothes from the sale at Eddie Bauer
11. Find a Theme Thursday photo for "television."
12. Buy a new GameBoy game for upcoming travels.
13. Make hotel, car, and flight reservations for upcoming travels.
14. Blog about how bad I wish there was a good Italian restaurant within 50 miles of my home.
15. Call a friend to tell her I regretfully won't be able to attend her party on April 3rd (I'm gone).
16. Get a scrotal piercing, a tattoo, a fifth of Jack Daniels, and a gun (not necessarily in that order).

To be honest, I didn't really think I'd make it around to that last one.

After spending all night trying to get the revisions to my Hard Rock Cafe web site working under CSS, I'm giving up. I get things working under Apple's Safari browser with no problem. I move on to the Opera browser and, again, no problem. Then I try it with FireFox and get it working with only a few adjustments. Then of course I have to move on to Microsoft Internet Explorer... five hours later, I have no idea how to make it work. IE sucks ass. Microsoft sucks ass. What good is it to have web standards when the world's most popular web browser ignores them completely? So now I'm going to end up with some sort of bizarre mix of both CSS and tables in order to get it to display the way I want. Oh how I hate Microsoft' shitty software.

Why is it that magazines feel the need to offer free stuff in order to get people to re-subscribe? Over the years I have collected more useless crap than I ever dreamed possible, all of it unwanted but sent anyway by some stupid magazine. Today I got a TV Guide travel bag in the mail... I don't know why, I don't even remember seeing them offering it, yet here it is. When I visited the TV Guide web site, I was feeling a little grateful that I wasn't sent the crappy Mini Boom Box instead...

And here's the thing that really pisses me off... they say it's free, but it really isn't. Somewhere along the way, TV Guide is paying for this crap (not to mention the postage to send it) and that cost is being passed on to the consumer. Since that is the case, why not offer the subscriber a choice? If they said I could have the stupid cheap-ass bag (made in China, of course) or save $1, I'd gladly take the $1. Not only would this be something I could actually use, but it would also save our landfills from the excess garbage generated by this crap that most people don't even want in the first place.

This gimmick must work, or why else would TV Guide go to the expense? I just can't imagine the person who makes a decision based on getting some stupid prize like this. If the magazine is a good one, I'll want to subscribe because of the content, not because of some cheap 99¢ Store gift. Don't people realize that stupid free stuff like this is not actually free?

Hey, tomorrow is my birthday! Looking back, I have no idea how I managed to survive this long. I've done some pretty insane things in my life, some of which should have resulted in me being dead. Apparently I am too stupid or too lucky to die (go me!). Usually I try to spend my birthday out of the country, but the weather is so nice here now that I think I'd be happier sticking around and going for a motorcycle ride, which is absolutely the best present I could ever get.

Recently I started digitizing my old film photos so that I can put them in Apple's iPhoto with all the rest. It's a mammoth undertaking because I have thousands of photos left to go, but it's been worth the effort so far. Last week I scanned in a batch of photos from one of the very first "Birthday Weekends" (an annual group celebration with friends, most of whom also have March birthdays). This is a pretty typical example of how I've spent past birthdays... funny that my friend's first instinct was not to rush to my aid, but instead to take a picture:

You will note that despite being too drunk to properly climb stairs, I didn't spill my drink. I'm pretty proud of that. I seem to remember waking up the next morning with that funky jacket wrapped around my head somehow... I think it came to life and tried to attack me once I passed out that night. No matter, the evil jacket was destroyed in a tragic camping accident two weeks later (note to self: when drying a jacket made of rayon or other freaky synthetic fibers, it will burst into flames if hung too close to an open fire).

Yeesh, where did thirty-eight years go?

Everybody hates spam. Nothing would make me happier than hunting down the people who send it and choking them to death with a bottle of the "CHEAPR THAN V1AGARA" that constitutes 90% of spam advertising (spamvertising?) I get. Fortunately, I subscribe to a spam blocking service, so much of this crap never makes it to my In-Box, but in the past few days a surprising number have been sneaking through. How they do it is to camouflage their sales pitch in long passages of actual words strung together in nonsense paragraphs. To top it all off, they then put an equally nonsensical arrangement of words in the subject line...

• "SUBJECT: homogeneous sensible implausible"
• "SUBJECT: bland easygoing blitz"
• "SUBJECT: cheesecake epidemic hoard circumscription"
• "SUBJECT: primitive miasma fumble"
• "SUBJECT: inefficacy patrolman glamor absentia bien"

... and many others. So, congratulations you spammer dumbass, you managed to get past my spam-blocking service. But how amazingly stupid do you think I am to actually open and read an e-mail with a subject like that? Not a chance in hell. Do you know why? Because nobody freakin' talks like that!! So what good is it fooling a spam filter if it's with a message that is so obviously spam that anybody getting it will send it directly to the trash? All this does is waste everybody's time.

Just further proof that spammers are too stupid to be allowed to live.

Well, the harassing calls from Stonebridge Life Insurance continue (under the guise of "Results Technology," according to my Caller ID). As I blogged back on the 18th, these people call every night at all hours. Because they are using an automatic dialer, 9 times out of 10, there is nobody there when you pick up the phone. The one time somebody was actually there, I told them to stop calling me. I've called Stonebridge Life twice to tell them to stop calling me. I've attempted to call the Results Technology line three times to be removed (but they are always "too busy" to process the request, even though I am paying for the call). Despite all of this, the calls keep coming which is nothing less than harassment.

Today I called Stonebridge Life a final time to talk with a supervisor so I could threaten a letter to the Better Business Bureau and possible legal action if they didn't stop calling me. I was told that I was on the list, but it takes 30 days to be removed (meaning I've got 22 more days of this crap?!?). I said that this was unacceptable, and I wanted to cancel my policy immediately so that we have no business relationship and the "National Do Not Call Registry" will be in effect. She said that the system was computerized, and even canceling my policy would not change the 30 day call period.

Who the f#@% are these people?

I asked the supervisor if she felt that this type of harassment was an acceptable way to treat their customers. She said that she "apologizes," but doesn't answer the question. I then ask her why her company would continue to call every night when I have already told them that I don't want the cancer insurance they are selling, and she again tells me that "it's my right to disagree with their policy," but again sidesteps the question. What a bunch of f#@%ing pieces of shit!

In a fit of rage, I cancelled my policy and told her that I find it unacceptable that I cannot be immediately removed from their call list and that I will be pursuing legal action if I receive a single new harassing call. She has nothing to say about this and tells me I can proceed with that as I wish. So, basically, she apologizes but does absolutely nothing to solve the problem. Typical.

So, to anybody considering doing business with Stonebridge Life Insurance, I must warn you that they honestly don't give a crap about their customers and feel it is a perfectly acceptable policy to harass them with endless phone calls (even once they've been told "no"). Furthermore, they use an automated dialing system which means most of the calls you get from them will be hang-ups in the first place but, again, they don't seem to care. Finally, even after you beg them to stop calling and cancel your policy out of sheer desperation, they still will not remove you from their call list any earlier than a 30-day wait period.

There are plenty of other insurance companies out there, and I'm sure that some of them don't have customer harassment as a matter of policy. I can only dream that Stonebridge Life's abuse will some day come back to bite them in the ass so that the entire company goes down in flames. Too bad for the people that work there that their company is run by dumbasses... it can't be fun to get calls like mine all day long.

Work kind of got away from me this week, meaning that my entire weekend was spent trying to get caught up again. Because of that, I didn't even attempt checking my e-mail until very late Sunday and into Monday morning... eventually finding a total 62 non-spam e-mails in my "In-Box." Half of these were belated birthday greetings, and a significant number of those were from people I don't even know. That's kind of nice isn't it?

One of the e-mails that caught my attention was from "a long-time reader, first-time writer" who had more than the usual number of questions regarding previous blog entries. Most of the time when I get questions from people I don't know, I am happy to reply so long as the answers are not overly-personal or involving my friends, family, and other people in my life who have a right to their privacy. But this e-mail was a bit different. This e-mail was not asking questions just to be snooping into my life or looking for entertainment... this was a plea for help.

For people who know me only from my writings here at Blogography, my life might appear to be a series of funny anecdotes, odd incidents, curious travels, and care-free fun involving a motorcycle. A passage from my BlogFAQ is in order...

"Probably the most important thing I should tell you... really the only thing you need to know... is that this blog is not my life. It is just a reflection of a very small part of it. My real life is what is happening in-between the entries you'll find here. So, while you might come to know an aspect of me, this blog cannot really give you the whole picture of who I am. Let's face it, I am just not that talented of a writer."

So if you ever think that my life is devoid of sadness, insecurity, desperation, loneliness, depression, or any of the other horrors associated with life in general, I urge you to read the above paragraph again. Nothing could be further from the truth, I just choose not to write about my personal problems here for the entire world to ponder over.

That's why, when I get an e-mail from somebody who is hurting and confused, writing to me because they think my life seems so much better than theirs, and I might be able to help them because I seem to have all the answers to life when I write in this blog... well, it makes me feel like a complete fraud. My life is just as messed up as everybody else's (if not more so). What makes it bearable is that I spend a lot of time trying to see the beauty and wonder that is so often hidden in this world. To be more specific, what makes it all worthwhile is the "Bears of Berlin."

Perhaps I should explain...

The year 2001 was a very difficult one. My best friend had died early in the year, and another friend had committed suicide just two months later. A relationship with a girl I really liked fell apart. A project I was passionate about never got off the ground. I was burned out from endless hours of work. Nothing in my life was coming together and everything was out of focus... then the terrorist attacks of 9/11 happened, and even the future seemed dark and uncertain. It wasn't the worst time in my life, but it was darn close. By the end of the year, I just didn't feel anything... it was as if my body and soul had given up. That's why, when December rolled around, I decided to take a run through Europe to visit some Hard Rock Cafes I hadn't seen before, and just get away from my horrible life for a while.

Within minutes of landing in Amsterdam, I thought for certain I had made a terrible mistake. When I boarded the train to Germany, I was certain of it. Wandering Europe alone was not going to make me feel better, it was only going to make things worse. I arrived in Berlin more depressed than ever. But as I was walking from the train station to my hotel, I saw this...

A pink bear wearing lipstick?! Just a small part of a public arts project, and one of several decorated bear statues scattered throughout the city. But it ended up being more than just a statue to me. It was a reminder. It was a reminder that no matter how bad things are... no matter how much crap has been tossed your way and no matter how terrible you feel... there are always going to be crazy, beautiful moments in your life if you care to discover them. And that's all it took. For some reason a statue of a bear in the middle of Berlin was enough to snap me out of a year of depression, loss, angst, doubt and fear. Life, as they say, does go on.

Which leads me to the only piece of advice I have for when life is less than perfect: take a moment to stop and look around. That one thing that can give you a foothold to climb out of the hole you're in is within your grasp (though it probably won't be a pink bear wearing lipstick). Sometimes you have to look hard for it. Sometimes you have to fight for it. Sometimes you will forget about it. And sometimes you will doubt it even exists... but rest assured that your "Bears of Berlin" are out there just waiting for you to find them.

Take care, and never stop looking.

Bwaaaahhh ha haaahhh. For reasons I can't explain... oh, let's chalk it up to childish behavior... I just typed www.poop.com in my web browser to see who had cornered the market on this valuable piece of internet real estate. Much to my surprise, there actually is a poop.com that's not some kind of freaky porn site...

So there you have it, the best source for poop on the internet can be found exclusively at poop.com! Visit today!! Nothing quite so exciting happening at "poopy.com" (but don't go typing "poopie.com" in mixed company because that porn was bound to turn up somewhere). This begs the question: who is the domain squatter hoping to make a buck by sitting on poop?

I can just tell that this is going to be a difficult day because the morning has already gone all pear-shaped. Getting out of bed I stubbed my toe. Starting the shower I splashed water all over the floor. Then I went to brush my teeth and found that I was out of toothpaste. Usually this would not be a big deal... I keep a complete travel kit in my luggage, so I figured I would just take the toothpaste I keep there. Unfortunately, I forgot that I had already taken the toothpaste from my luggage when I ran out the last time. So now there is no toothpaste to be found.

First I try brushing my teeth with a Listerine FreshBurst strip. But that just makes a mess. That's when I remember reading somewhere that you can brush your teeth with baking soda. Fortunately, I had once made a grievous error at the market and purchased baking soda instead of baking powder to make biscuits... so I knew that there was a box in my cupboard.

For those of you who have never made the mistake of attempting to brush your teeth with baking soda, here is pretty much how it goes...

Now I know what evil must taste like. The bit they forget to tell you about using baking soda to brush your teeth is that it tastes like ass. It's kind of a strange bitter/salty chemical taste that will burn through your skull and drive you insane. Even worse, the taste does not go away... it lingers like horrifying memory that you are forced to relive again and again.

I think I will buy a dozen tubes of toothpaste after work so that I never make a mistake like this again.

I spend most of my time fast forwarding through commercials on television because they are stupid, unimaginative, and just plain boring. But now American Express has figured out how to make a commercial that people are going to want to watch. Even more impressive - though the commercial is five minutes long, I've taken the time to watch it three times! I'm half-way tempted to sign up for an AmEx card, just to support this stroke of brilliance and encourage other companies to make more interesting ads.

What would it be like to have Superman as your best friend and just hang out? If you are Jerry Seinfeld, it would be something like this...

Even better news... AmEx is making more of these cool "webvertisements," and it will be interesting to see who pops up next. When can we see Wonder Woman meeting David Letterman?

I should know better than to drive over to Seattle for big fun and heavy drinking on the same weekend when Daylight Savings nonsense is going on, as I just seem to get confused by it all. Since I have already railed against it here before, I guess I will simply reiterate how mind-boggling stupid I think that Daylight Saving Time is in this day and age. There is absolutely no reason for it and, if the entire country won't wake up and revoke this inane law, I can at least hope that Washington State can dump it like Arizona and Hawaii already have. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Back in 2002, a company called PanIP started threatening lawsuits to small businesses who conduct business on the internet. They claim that all e-commerce falls under two patents they own, and therefor anybody selling online has to pay them ridiculous sums of money or they'll be party to a lawsuit. Legal hilarity ensued, and ultimately PanIP climbed back under the rock from whence they came (hey, it's not like the actually make anything that needs patent protection... they just file patents for the sake of filing patents which should be illegal).

Flash forward to today and PanIP is at it once again! They found yet another scum-sucking, ass-biting, piece of shit lawyer to start extorting money from smaller e-businesses for the right to sell online because of two obtuse patents which are so broad in scope that it's easier to say what they don't cover as opposed to what they are actually patents for.

Since everything is run by computers on the internet now-a-days, you would think that this kind of patent would be summarily rejected by the US Patent and Trademark Office... but since he USPTO won't get up off their asses and overturn such ridiculously stupid approvals from way back in 1994, small businesses are left with no choice but to pay PanIP extortion money because it's too expensive to fight them in court.

As if small businesses in the US didn't have a hard enough time surviving, now they have to put up with free-trade inhibiting lawsuits supported by a government that is supposed to protect them from this sort of thing. Broad, sweeping patents like those held by PanIP are baseless and should be immediately revoked. Slimy lawyers that choose to pervert the law to take advantage of our weak patent structure should be disbarred or shot. I'm just waiting for some ass-wipe to patent "a method of recording thoughts and ideas via electronic storage for distribution over a network" and decides I have to pay him for creating this blog (hey, it's probably closer than you think!). How long before the USA just implodes from stupid lawyer shit like this?

I am wearing two different kinds of socks today and, since I wasn't hung over this morning, it's a big mystery as to how I could let it happen. On my left foot is a Nike swoosh athletic... on my right is a Tommy Hilfiger logo signature... I'm pretty embarrassed about that, even though nobody would be able to tell unless I were in an accident and rushed to the ER or something (fortunately, I am wearing clean underwear though).

What in the hell is going on? Last time I checked, the first amendment of the Bill of Rights from the Constitution of the United States of America ensures freedom of speech for all its citizens. Apparently, this is only true if you support the ever-growing "public decency" madness propagated by the increasingly scary Bush administration. It does not apply to people like Howard Stern who are critical of it.

In shocking, but unsurprising news, Howard Stern has been fired. His show is the same as it's always been... vulgar, offensive, and loaded with sex... but all of a sudden it's no longer acceptable to air on public airwaves. It's a-okay for Oprah to discuss rim-jobs and rainbow party oral sex on her television show without penalty, but Stern gets fined and fired?

WTF mate?

HELPFUL HINT: if you find something on the radio objectional or offensive, you can change the f#@%ing channel or turn the blasted thing off! Not everybody has the same morals or tastes in entertainment as you. Some folks actually enjoy listening to that kind of thing. This being America and all, people should be entitled to listen to Stern even if you happen hate him.

Where does this end? Will it ever end? How long before the movies I love, the books I enjoy, the television shows I watch... how long before they are taken away?

I finally managed to get my lovely case of food poisoning under control. Unfortunately, I still wasn't in any condition to go to work, which means that I'll be working on Easter Sunday tomorrow so I can get caught up. Bummer. Today was mostly a wasted day of washing clothes, watching television, reading my book, and not much else. About the only constructive thing I managed to do was work on my DaveCafe Hard Rock site for a bit. It's still got a long way to go before it's completed, but it's a start.

Unfortunately, my ambitious plans for a table-free CSS layout have been dashed thanks to the lame non-standards compliant browser that Microsoft built: internet Explorer. No matter what I do, the CSS I constructed for layout refuses to render properly in IE (even though it had no trouble in Safari, Opera, Firefox, and Navigator). Stupid Microsoft. This left me with little choice except to take a giant step backwards and go back to tables for layout.

This will be DaveCafe version 3.0. I was actually quite happy with the previous version 2.1 design, but I had seen it copied from time to time so I thought I would try something completely different. I hadn't seen any other Hard Rock fan sites with cartoon characters, so there you have it.

Easter Sunday is a great excuse to sit around watching cartoons, cook frozen pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, and doing a little Spring Cleaning on the hard drive.

Now where's my candy? Damn you Easter Bunny!

Annoyance #1: Mobile phones are quickly becoming more of an annoyance than television commercials. Today when I went to the post office, there was a woman in the lobby talking on her mobile phone at FULL VOLUME... YELLING OUT PERSONAL DETAILS FOR ANYBODY TO HEAR!! While I was waiting to pick up a parcel at the counter, I couldn't help but listen to her rambling on and on about her daughter's marital problems (we're talking all the juicy details, fit for a television movie). Is she too stupid to realize that everybody in this very public place can hear her? I'm sure her daughter would be mortified (and, since this is such a small town, I'm sure that several people at the post office knew her and who her daughter was). Have people no shame?

Annoyance #2: Comment spam on this blog is escalating at a frightful rate. I'd hoped that banning the IP addresses from commenting again would solve things, but it doesn't. Even worse, some legitimate comments are blocked in the process. I wonder if there is a legal recourse for comment spam? All I know is that I am getting really tired of manually deleting it every day. The folks at Movable Type are starting up a commenting registration system... I hope that works out.

Annoyance #3: Is it my imagination, or are automated phone answering systems getting more complicated? It used to be you had only one or two levels of "press 1 for this, press 2 for that, press 3 for the other." But now, I find myself easily going 6 or 7 levels deep in these systems... sometimes unable to get out. Do companies honestly think this is how their customers want to spend their time?

For the longest time, I had always thought that people wearing fanny packs had serious issues: "look... it's a purse... but not really!" This probably has more to do with my hang-ups than actual fact, but I listen to Pet Shop Boys and like art, so make of it what you will. Anyway, this past weekend I decided to bite the bullet, add a few metrosexual points, and actually buy one of these things. I am tired of having to cram everything I own into my pockets for my morning commute to work... it's uncomfortable and makes me look all lumpy:

Woman on the street: "Is that a mobile phone, a digital camera, a garage door opener, a set of house keys, an iPod, and a baggie of Apple-Cinnamon Cheerios in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Dave: "Uhhhh..."

So now that I don't have to worry about all those unsightly bulges (well, almost all of them) ruining my streamline look as I ride my motorcycle to work, all I have to do is solve the problem of helmet hair which is just getting worse the longer I put off getting it cut...

Are there pills for this or should I just shave my head?

Spring has sprung, the apple blossoms are on the trees, and it's time for people to clean out their houses in a frenzy of road-side giveaways. I used to think that if you drove the back-roads of the Cashmere Valley during Spring cleaning time, you could find everything but the kitchen sink to furnish an entire home in discarded goods. This morning on the way to work, I was proven wrong...

Now I have officially changed my position in that you can find everything to furnish an entire home including the kitchen sink (and apparently a bed liner for your pickup truck as well).

Living the good life in rural America.

Ever had one of those days where nothing goes right? Well, that's today for me.

I like magazines though I rarely read them... I just don't have the time except when I travel, and then it's a big hassle to cart a stack of them around. About the only regular exceptions I make are for Cycle World and Motorcyclist. The smart solution would be electronic delivery of magazine subscriptions so I could download them every month and save them up for when I have a trip and need something to read.

And now a pretty good solution has arrived. Over at Zinio, you can download a free reader, sample some titles, and subscribe to a small assortment of magazines for monthly delivery over the internet. In theory, it sounds ideal. In practice, there are some problems...

• The reader is classy, intuitive, and nicely done. For reading materials, I couldn't be happier. Problem is, it doesn't really organize you magazine collection. There's no "browser" to thumb through the magazines you've received... no "rack" to organize your collection... no way to mark a title as read... no way to search through back issues... it's a very passive system that could be vastly improved. This may not be a big deal if you don't subscribe to very many titles and toss them once you've read them, but the benefits of electronic archiving is lost.
• There's not a lot of titles to choose from. MOST of my favorites are not available (yet). No men's magazines... Esquire, Men's Health, FHM, Maxim, Maxim Stuff, Playboy, etc. No motorcycle magazines... Motorcyclist, Cycle World, Street Bike, etc. Even high-profile entertainment magazines like Entertainment Weekly, People, Us, etc. are missing. Hopefully more titles will be added very soon.
• It's ridiculous that the cost of a digital subscription is the same as the magazine subscription. I mean, come on! No paper, no postage, NO SAVINGS?!? If MacWorld costs $19.95 for a paper subscription, then the digital subscription should be more like $12.95 or even $14.95. What is the justification for the cost?
• A small selection of international magazines are available, BUT YOU DON'T PAY DOMESTIC RATES?!? This is STUPID! One of my favorite entertainment magazines is Empire... but I don't subscribe because it's hugely expensive to have it shipped over from the UK. In theory, a digital subscription would be the same price no matter where in the world you are because postage is not an issue. But that's not the case... the UK edition of MacWorld is $69.95... this makes no sense.
• The images are at a standard screen resolution of 72dpi... I wish there was an option to download a version of the magazines at a more respectable 120-150dpi for those times you want to print something out.

While I am excited at the idea of digital magazine subscriptions, we're not quite there yet. Even so, I recommend downloading the reader and grabbing a few free sample magazines to give it a try.

The next several weeks are going to be very challenging for me on just about every level. Reminder to self: to keep from drowning in the hectic days ahead, take a moment every so often to stop, take a look, and enjoy the world around you. No matter how bad things get, there is always something in life to appreciate if you take the time to look for it.

(In downtown Salt Lake City, they are kind enough to remind you of this at every street crossing).

A friend just chimed in for a video iChat. When you accept, the program conveniently shows you what you look like before you begin the sesson (I guess so you can check and make sure you don't have anything stuck in your teeth). I actually had to take a minute to stare at myself because I seem to have aged 5 years in the past 3 weeks.

I think this is what happens when you are denied access to your motorcycle for extended periods of time. Ugh. One week left to go before I can ride again. All I can say is that the weather had better be bitchin' when I get back!

I just got an e-mail with the observation that I pretty much hit all corners of the USA this month. I hadn't really thought about it but, after plotting it out on a map, see that she is right! No wonder I am so tired. Of course, I also got an e-mail from a guy claiming that I am making this all up... that my travel schedule is "unrealistic" and I am not fooling anybody with my "imaginary travel tales."

Bizarre. Just how do you respond to somebody like that? I'd like to think if I were going to make up lies about myself I could certainly be more inventive than this (remind me to tell you about the week I spent with Elizabeth Hurley in Costa Rica after escaping from an alien abduction and inventing an anti-gravity toaster). Unfortunately, it's all true...

A pity that I didn't get to see a heck of a lot along the way. Oh well... I'm going home...

Finally I am home! On the way to my apartment, I pass by the cemetery where Memorial Day festivities are in full display. Hundreds of flags decorate the perimeter, and even more have been placed next to the markers of those who served in the armed forces. If you can put aside the inherent sadness that comes from visiting a cemetery, it's a beautiful sight.

To the men and women of all nations who acted in service of the freedoms we are privileged to have... thank you.

I am not a big video game fan... I never really have been because I just don't have the time to play them. But every once in a while I see a game that I want quite badly to play. For almost a year now, that game has been Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Problem is, in order to play it you have to either own a Windows PC or an XboX... both of which are spawns of the great Microsoft Evil Empire. Sure a Macintosh version has been promised for a while now, but it's going to cost $60 and who knows when it's going to be released or if it will even be any good.

So a quandary develops. I would sooner gouge out my liver with a rusty spoon before I ever purchase a Windows PC, so I guess the XboX would be the lesser of two evils.

But it's still Microsoft, a company which I loathe supporting... even with the $115 it costs to get an XboX (which is less than the cost of buying a copy of Windows isn't it?).

Unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that I want to run around with a light saber like Samuel L. Jackson and take care of a little business...

Or hang out with Wookies...

Or open up a can of Jedi whoop-ass...

I mean, come on!! How sweet is that?!? This game looks better than the moronic movies George Lucas has been crapping out lately. And, unlike watching the films, if I run across Jar Jar Binks I can whip out my light saber and go all Darth Vader on his lame ass.

Arrrgh! I'm probably going to end up buying an XboX now that the price has dropped so low. How will I ever be able to live with myself?

Have you ever had one of those days that starts horrible and only continues to get worse no matter what you try to do to turn the tide? And now that it is finally over, I sit here replaying the events of the day... trying to figure out where I could have made things better... only to realize that everything that happened was pretty much out of my control, and nothing I could have done differently would change things.

If it weren't for a motorcycle ride and some freshly-made raspberry-lemon sorbet at the end, I'd probably have run away screaming hours ago.

If I can get a decent amount of sleep just this one night, I know tomorrow can be a better day.

It's been six days since the crash. Initially I was able to survive on the fruits and vegetable of the island, but flora here is scarce. The vegetables ran out five days ago and the fruit shortly thereafter... leaving me with nothing but water for the past two days. I have taken to constructing a hot air balloon out of banana leaves, coconut shells, and dried sea kelp in the hopes of reaching civilization (and food) again.

If all goes well, I should be able to shove off tomorrow. Half my kingdom for a piece of papaya!

I'd best sign off now as I think I am becoming a bit delusional...

I''m on my last day of fasting and am not in a pretty mood, so I think I will take some time to bitch about a few of the little things that are pissing me off just now. Nothing earth shattering mind you, just annoyances that won't go away...

Spam. I have two spam filters and all my e-mail gets filtered through a paid SpamCop account... yet I still see dozens of unsolicited (and unwanted) e-mail in my in-box every day. This is just stupid, and the problem gets worse with each passing moment. Why isn't something being done about it? And I'm not talking about idiotic legislation that doesn't work... I'm talking drastic measures... like sending CIA operatives out to kill spammers and bomb their spam centers! Isn't that the kind of thing they are being paid for?

Reality Television. Seriously, enough is enough... they were entertaining at first (Survivor, The Osbornes, American Chopper) but it's gone too far. Just when you think it can't get any worse (The Swan, The Littlest Groom, and Extreme Makeover) it does (Seriously Dude... I'm Gay, Are You Hot, and Blow Out). Television already sucks pretty bad... but now even decent shows (Wonderfalls!!!) can't find a spot on television because the schedule is full of this crap.

Hard Rock Cafe Seattle. Thanks to my Hard Rock site, people mail me with their Hard Rock questions a few times a week. Their #1 question is the same as my #1 question: Where is the freakin' Hard Rock Cafe for Seattle?? I mean, come on! Cities like Sacramento and Indianapolis have cafes but we don't? It's not even remotely logical... Seattle is home of some of the most famous musicians in history! Quincy Jones, Nirvana, Heart, Jimi Hendrix, Kenny Loggins, Peal Jam, Courtney Love & Hole, Alice in Chains, Mudhoney, Soundgarden, Sir Mix-A-Lot... and many more. The Seattle music scene is still amazingly strong, and if the corporate decision-makers were really smart, they would make sure any cafe they build here would have a stage for live performances to keep locals interested. All I can say is that when they finally do get around to building a cafe, it had better be something pretty amazing.

Low Carb Mania. Ack! Just eat healthier foods in reasonable portions, then get off your ass and exercise! There is no need for this crap. The thing that really pisses me off is that legitamately healthy menu options in restaurants (like vegetarian dishes) don't get offered, yet inane fads like low carb shit does?

DVD Advertising. I purchase DVDs for the movie... not the advertising... so don't force me to watch your stupid ads and forbid me to bypass them by jumping to the main menu. That should be illegal.

Having to go the work on Sunday. Ah, so now we know the real reason I am in a cranky mood today.

A little over three hours ago I posted a "Sunday Rant" because I woke up in a not-so-great mood. Since then I have gotten out of bed, done a half our of yoga and meditation, got cleaned up, went for a ride in the rain (of course it's raining... I washed my motorcycle yesterday!), stopped at the hardware store for some brackets to install some shelving, and now I am at work for a while. I fire up my Macintosh (it's not just a computer, it's a Mac!) so I can get started, and this is waiting for me in my in-box:

"I AM SICK OF YOU BADMOUTHING THE ATKINS DIET IN YOUR JOURNAL!!!! LOW CARB DIETS ARE SAVING MILLIONS OF PEOPLE FROM OBEESITY AND IF YOU HAD A WEIGHT PROBLEM YOU'D BE ON YOUR KNEES THANKING GOD FOR DR. ATKINS BECAUSE HIS DIET WORKS!!!!!!! THE REASON RESTAURANTS SELL LOW CARB FOODS IS BECAUSE PEOPLE KNOW IT'S THE BEST WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! IT'S BEEN PROVEN BY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE SO SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now, normally, I'd hit the "delete" button before I was six words into the e-mail because I just don't care enough to read this crap. But I'm still in a bit of a bad mood so, what the heck. I am going to do something I never do and waste valuable web storage space by actually replying in my blog...

ONE. Do you realize what a complete moron you look like when you don't have the sense to turn off the caps-lock key? Though I must admit I am a bit surprised that you only had one misspelling in your e-mail, so I guess that's something. Most people who write screeching e-mails like this don't bother to even attempt spelling the words properly.

TWO. For the last time... This is my blog and I will say whatever I want in it. If you don't like what you find here, then please stop reading it!

THREE. The reason restaurants sell low-carb foods is not because it's the best way to lose weight, it's because people are buying it. If a new diet of cougar urine became a hot fad for weight loss, McDonalds would put "Cougar Urine McFrosties" on their menu simply because people would buy it... that's how they make their money.

FOUR. Yes, millions of people are losing weight on the Atkins Diet. But at what cost? The diet is so new that there have been no studies done to see what the long-term affects might be. A diet that's loaded with fatty foods like cheese and chemical-altered, steroid-filled foods like meat just can't be good for you in the long run. I love cheese, but being told to eat it instead of an apple so you can lose weight is insane.

FIVE. While it's true I am lucky enough not to have a weight problem, there is no way I would ever be "THANKING GOD FOR DR. ATKINS" if I did. I'd have to give up being a vegetarian since fruits and vegetables are loaded with carbs, and I wouldn't do that (they are the healthiest foods you can eat!). Millions of people may be losing weight on the Atkins Diet, but billions have found out the hard way that diets don't work! Diets are a temporary solution to a long-term problem that requires a lifestyle change, not a bogus "miracle cure."

Now, for anybody who might write me yet another moronic diatribe about being a hypocrite for passing judgment on a solution to a problem I don't have... don't waste the effort because I just don't care to hear it. I am not at all against people trying to lose weight, I just don't want to be faced with a ridiculous "low-carb" lifestyle everywhere I go because it's a popular fad. If there has to be a fad for weight loss, why can't it be one that is healthy and makes sense? Why can't we bring back the one person who had it all figured out...

Where is Susan Powter?

Yes, she's the same hyperactive woman with blonde spikey hair that had those annoying "STOP THE INSANITY" infomercials years ago. Yes, she's the same man-hating freak who holds the entire male gender responsible for everything wrong in the world. Yes, yes, and yes... she's a loon, I know. But if it were her book that were all the rage right now, I wouldn't have to be bombarded with "net carbs" and "Atkins-friendly" crap wherever I go. Instead it would be all "low fat" and "vegetarian-friendly" crap! Now, that's something I wouldn't mind seeing.

Today was a sucky day and just when I thought it couldn't suck any worse, it did. If it weren't for a motorcycle ride after work, I'd probably be drunk out of my mind right now. Hmmm... I never thought of that before. They should have motorcycle therapy at the Betty Ford Clinic! The only good news is that Wonderfalls has been given a DVD release date of December 7th.

Taco Bell is one of those places that you should never eat at, but inevitably do because they have pretty decent grub for a fast food joint and, even more importantly, it's cheap.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Today I had to run to Wenatchee so that I could purchase an International Driving Permit for an upcoming trip...

The relevant bit here is not that I look like a terrorist in my photo. The relevant bit is that I had to have the photo taken in the first place. You see, I was planning on spending $10 for the permit... that's how much I was told it cost. But, because I had to have my photo taken, that added another $6.50 to the bill. The $20 I had allocated for the permit and my lunch was now almost gone.

So, I now have just $3.50 for lunch... where do I go?

Yes, Taco Bell. Thanks for keeping up. Anyway, I am now in love with Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes. They taste like cheese and sour cream covered bits of heaven on a spork. The problem is that anything tasting this good is bound to be horrendously bad for your health... over half the calories come from fat and each bowl contains 30% of the recommended daily intake of saturated fat. Eating enough of these suckers could kill you.

But what a way to go.

A last minute trip to Beaverton, Oregon where the weather isn't nearly as nice as back home. I finished my work here way early but, due to the holiday weekend, can't get a flight back for 6 hours. So here I sit on standby. Beaverton is just outside of Portland, and is considered the "technical corridor" of the state. It's also home to Nike, though I don't think they actually make anything here in the USA anymore, so it must just be corporate offices or something?

It's a sad story how companies like Nike can spend millions on advertising and endorsements, yet won't spend a dime to manufacture here so local people can have jobs. It's a pity too, because I love my Nike boots, and have owned the same pair for nearly a decade. It's probably about time I get something new, but this time perhaps I'll look at a company like Chippewa or Schnee.

Sigh. According to MapQuest, I could drive home in just 5 hours if I had a car...

I think I want a donut.

UPDATE: I managed to get on an earlier flight out of Portland after all because I paid full-price for my ticket! Security at PDX is pretty stupid though, and nearly caused me to miss my flight. The line almost crosses the entire airport, which is ludicrous considering only half the inspection lanes were opened. Any time it takes over 30 minutes to get through security, there is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

It's the hope of what this country can one day be that makes it all worthwhile...

Happy Independence Day. Everybody take care and come back safe.

One of the benefits of working a 36 hour "day" is that you are sure to get a good night's sleep afterwards! Just four hours left to go...

I have to travel a lot (as you might guess if you stop by this blog even rarely), and more and more I am growing to despise it. Not because I miss my motorcycle (though that's a part of it), but because of the frightening number of dumbasses that are out there traveling. Stupid, inconsiderate asshats that feel the entire world revolves around them, and everybody else in the world is just window dressing for the drama that is their life.

On my recent boat trip, one woman kept bitching constantly that she "wasn't seeing anything good" because she was on the "wrong side of the boat." After two full hours of her whining, the boat turned around for the journey back, and she was still complaining that "all the interesting sights are on the other side." I was sorely tempted to ask this incredibly stupid bitch if she realized that she was looking at the exact same view she was complaining about not seeing for the ride up.

On a recent flight, I had just settled into my window seat, hoping to catch up on some sleep when an obnoxious woman next to me pretty much demanded I trade seats with her because she "wasn't comfortable in a center seat." When I politely refused, she actually called a flight attendant to complain that I was being difficult!! Fortunately, she was relocated away from me, because she was desperately in need of being punched in the face, and I was quickly getting to the point of "helping her out."

There are dozens of other examples I could cite from my recent travels, and I am at a total loss as to why people are becoming more self-centered, rude, and selfish every day. All I know is that I am getting really weary of having to deal with them because travel is already tough enough.

I am home for four glorious days before taking off again, and plan on fully appreciating every minute.

So I answer the phone and hear "VEGAS BABY!!" It would seem a group of friends is getting together for a cheap three-day excursion to sin city on Sunday, and I'm invited. Ordinarily, this would be great, but I'm already flying out for a work trip on Sunday to Wisconsin. Yes, you heard that right... I am going to Wisconsin while everybody else is partying down in Vegas. How is this fair again?

A while back I had participated in The Glovebox Project, and found a 32MB memory card that came with my tiny Canon PowerShot camera. I couldn't fit very many photos on it, so I immediately purchased a much larger card to replace it. Today I finally decided to see what photos (if any) were on the old card, and discovered just two, both shot by me of me in a mirror...

This is me in Reykjavik, Iceland on September 27, 2003. I have no idea why I took it. I think I was jet lagged and, in my delusional state, was thinking I would start participating in The Mirror Project, but never did. Oh well.

The photo would have been far more interesting had I taken it three days later after I had busted my chin open while having entirely too much fun in Stockholm.

My days of drunk and disorderly conduct are long since over. Until, that is, I fall under the bad influence of my evil friends. I shudder to think how much I had to drink last night.

Since I was too tired to drive the 2-1/2 hours home after arriving in Seattle late last night, I just grabbed a hotel and fell into a coma. Now I wake up and all I can do is think about how I will be leaving the country in three days, and there is no way I am going to get everything done that needs doing before I go. Uh oh... I think I am having a panic attack. I'd dial the front desk and ask them to send up some oxygen and a couple of Valium to room 621, but I don't think that this is That Kind Of Hotel (now if I were in L.A., it would be an different matter entirely).

Hmmm. Sounds like a good time to get a haircut.

.......

And now, 40 minutes and $75 later, I'm back. There's something liberating about sitting in a chair at Gene Juarez and saying "cut it all off."

Problem is that I still don't feel like driving 2-1/2 hours to get home. Bleh.

Even worse, I am missing out on the 13th Annual Ride to Work Day. Of course, when I am home and the weather is nice, every day is ride your motorcycle to work day.

Crack Potatoes: Why in the hell is it impossible for me to pass by Taco Bell without driving through and ordering up a bowl of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes? I think I'm addicted or something. What do they put in them, crack? I know I've blogged about this before, but damn.

Emmy Fraud: Sitting here watching the Scrubs Marathon on television, I am convinced that the Emmy Awards are a complete and total fraud. The episode "My Screw-Up" should have been nominated for both Best Drama and Best Comedy... not to mention Brendan Fraser's stunning performance being Emmy-worthy for both Best Guest Star in a Drama and Comedy. It's inconceivable that the crapfest known asWill & Grace (where every episode is exactly the same) gets nominated over the brilliance that is Scrubs.

Go-Go Know: How in the heck is it that when the song Head Over Heels by The Go-Go's comes on a television commercial, I know all the words? Even more puzzling, I've started buying more and more rap and hip-hop off of the iTunes Music Store... I'm a 38 year-old middle-class white guy, and yet DMX, Dr. Dre, and Nate Dogg are suddenly something that I enjoy listening to? I blame my nephew.

Moab Soundtrack: The entire time I was in Moab, I was thinking of the movie Thelma & Louise, because the film was shot there and Ridley Scott knows how to make an impression with scenery. When I got back I ordered the soundtrack, and it arrived today. Though I loathe country music, I love this CD because it makes me relive scenic memories like this:

Wireless Nirvana: Apple's "Airport Express" is absolutely everything I had hoped it would be. God save the Mac!

Book Smarts: This last trip I started reading The Vanished Man (by Jeffery Deaver) because everybody tells me how great the Lincoln Rhyme novels are (the most famous being The Bone Collector). Sorry, but I just don't get it. While I think the idea of a quadriplegic criminal investigator is interesting, I find Deaver's dialogue to be horrible. Every word feels contrived and forced, which makes conversations between characters just awful. I don't think I'll be reading another any time soon.

Film Threat: And from the good character dialogue department: Please somebody tell me that Quentin Tarantino is working on a new movie really soon now. I think my DVD player is starting to burn a hole through Pulp Fiction, Resevoir Dogs, Jackie Brown, and of course Kill Bill.

Designer Challenge: I'm getting tired of the same old art posters decorating my apartment. Since the "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" team aren't available for design tips, I think I'll turn to the FridayQ to get some ideas. Shameless, I know!

Well crap! In preparation for my impending vacation holiday, I somehow managed to pull a muscle in my back. It hurts to walk. It hurts to type this. It hurts to breathe. I can't figure out what I did. Just all of a sudden, wham, welcome to the house of pain. About an hour later I met up with some friends to go see The Bourne Supremacy, and think I made things worse by sitting in a cramped theater seat for two hours instead of staying home and laying down flat.

Fortunately, the movie was pretty darn good. Fast paced, with an entertaining (if fairly straight-forward) plot and a serviceable performance by Matt Damon and Franka Potente (from Run Lola Run fame). I think I liked it even better than the first one. Kind of sweet that we get yet another excellent sequel (like Spider-Man 2!) since they are usually pretty lame the second time around. Here's hoping that the film is a success so we can see a big-screen treatment of The Bourne Ultimatum!

I like the Robert Ludlum novels I've read, but haven't yet taken a look at the Bourne books, so I'll have to give them a try. It will give me something to do instead of lying here in bed moaning in agony.

I have had this "One Hundred Things About Me" entry stored on my computer for ages now, but never posted it because I wasn't entirely convinced I was interesting enough for the hundred things to be worth publishing. This morning I got an e-mail asking me why I hadn't done it yet, and decided to go ahead and put it up in an extended entry. You have been warned...

I woke up today in the mood to do absolutely nothing. If it weren't for the fact that I had to get up and take my laundry down to the concierge, I probably would have stayed in bed all day. I suppose that I could have just come right back up to my room and watched television, but then guilt started to settle in. Here I am in Dublin, where I'm sure many people would love to visit, and I would just be wasting the opportunity.

My morning started with the best shower I've ever had. Seriously. Apparently Dublin has no water shortage problems, nor do they have a concept of what a "water flow restriction device" is. The water pressure was so great that I nearly buckled under it. They should post a sign warning that small children and pregnant women should not use the shower. I think my skull has been dented, that's how fabulous it was...

Then I had to work for three hours. Working while on vacation sucks ass.

After lunch, I decided to wander up O'Connell Street, which I never bothered to do on my previous visit. It was then that I saw the Dublin Spire. Other than being really tall, I just don't get it. I mean, come on... "Look! It's a great big pole!" is about the limits as to what can be said about it. Apparently, it was the winning entry in an architectural contest. If this was the winner, I am very curious as to what the losers must have been like...

On my way back to Grafton Street for some non-shopping, I passed by Trinity College, home to the "Book of Kells." All I knew about it was that it was a very old book that monks had drawn on dead cow hides a long time ago. Out of curiosity and boredom, I decided to stop in and take a look. I nearly took a pass when I saw that it was 7.50 Euros ($9) to get in, but oh well.

Wow...

Absolutely stunning. 61.20 Euros ($77) later, I had purchased a book, lots of postcards, and a CD-Rom about the Book of Kells because it was so amazing. The CD-Rom is particularly good, and packed with loads of cool material (including the entire contents of the manuscript). You should go order a copy right now and, if you're ever in Dublin, seeing it in person is a must.

Why do US mobile phone companies suck so bad? I have been waiting FOREVER to get a bluetooth enabled phone so that I can easily transfer my datebook and address book from my computer to my mobile. Unfortunately, CDMA networks (like Verizon, which is the only provider I can use in my small town with any accuracy) don't have any phones that are worth a crap. I'd switch to a GSM network (like T-Mobile), but their coverage in the valley isn't that great.

Since my wait for Verizon to get decent phones or T-Mobile to get decent coverage was in vain, I ended up signing a new contract with Verizon anyway (better the devil you know...).

And if all that weren't bad enough, the Verizon services web site doesn't work properly, and they don't seem to reply to my e-mail concerns. Every time I try to access my online account, it continuously asks stupid questions, then won't proceed any further (no matter what I try). I guess once they have your money, they don't have to care anymore?

Blame: Naturally, Verizon blamed all the problems I'm having trying to use their online services on the fact that I am using a Macintosh. Why am I not surprised. The web was imagined as a way to share information regardless of how you may be accessing it. The web is beyond any one computer platform or device. That's why I think that people should be able to sue people under accessibility laws for crap like this.

Fire: Wildfires are burning out of control in the canyons surrounding the valley I live in. It's both horrifying and beautiful to watch as fire flows like lava down hills and over divides. Sadly, a helicopter crashed while battling the fires today, and even more firefighters have been called in across the State (and neighboring States as well) to help out. I wish that the weather would turn and give them a break, but forecasts for the next several days call for heat-waves up to 105 degrees.

Killer: Kill Bill Vol. 2 is just as remarkable as I remember it on the big screen. Uma deserves an Oscar nod for this one (as does Quentin... nobody can write dialogue like Tarantino).

Tired: Working day and night since I got back from Europe is killing me. I sure hope I manage to get more than my usual 4-5 hours of sleep tonight! Goodnight.

I'm the type of guy who just wants people to be happy and live in peace. The fact that some people find their bliss differently than I do just makes the world all that more interesting and exciting to me. If everybody were thinking, acting, and believing exactly the same, I think this world would be an incredibly boring and unhealthy place to live. This is not to say that everybody should get to do whatever they want... if somebody finds happiness in killing other people, well, that kind of infringes on the happiness of others now doesn't it?

Time for a little story. It's not a story I had ever really intended for this blog (if it were, I would have posted it when it happened) but, given the events of the day, I'm going to tell it anyway (to the best of my recollection):

While I was stuck in an airport a while back (don't ask me when or where... these things all blend together for me) I looked up to see that one of the two guys who had just sat down across from me was wearing a Hard Rock Cafe T-Shirt. Being the Hard Rock junkie that I am, these things catch my attention. Upon further examination, I saw that it was a shirt from the cafe in Kobe, Japan. Since I was wearing my Nagoya, Japan HRC shirt, I felt I should say something:

Dave: Did you go to the Hard Rock Kobe to get that shirt?
Guy: I sure did. Did you go to Nagoya to get yours?
Dave: Yep! Did you know that they closed the Kobe cafe down?
Guy: Really? I'm glad I went then. Have you been to any of the others in Japan?
Dave: All of them!
Guy: Even the one in Fukuoka?
Dave: Yep, it was a long ride on the Shinkansen to get that T-Shirt!
Guy: Cool. I lived in Japan for almost two years but never made it down that far.
Dave: Don't feel bad, none of my friends in Japan have been either and they've lived there for a lot longer than two years!
Guy: Are you a pin collector?
Dave: I am... not hard core, but I've got quite a few.
Guy: Cool. Pins are expensive so my collection isn't that big. Now that I'm married it'll probably be a while before I see any more Hard Rock Cafes.
Dave: Your wife doesn't like you to travel?
Guy: Nah, but I'm hoping if I take him with me he won't mind so much.

That's when he reached over and took the hand of the guy sitting next to him. After further conversation, I learned that they had just been married and were returning from their honeymoon. All I could seem to say was "That's great!" -- and I really meant it. Here were two people obviously in love, blissfully happy, and it was a beautiful thing to see.

And today I learned that if these two guys were married in California, their marriage was just annulled along with every other same-sex couple married in the state.

What the f#@%?

This is the land of the free? Why? How in the hell was these two guys' happiness destroying anybody else's shot at being happy? So what if they are married... it may have taken me a moment for my mind to switch gears when I met them but, after it sunk in, it still seemed more natural to me than the Liza Minelli and David Gest "marriage."

The entire controversy seems to be the religious angle. Well, that's great and all, but the government of the United States of America was founded on the separation of church and state. The fact that you can be married by a Justice of the Peace, without a religious ceremony of any kind, would tend to back this up. Some people say that marriage is intrinsically tied to religion and, if believing that makes you happy, then please go on doing so. And if you feel that same-sex marriage is wrong, sinful, disgusting, unacceptable, offensive to your god, or somehow diminishes the sanctity of marriage because of your beliefs, then so be it. Nobody is asking that you change, so believe whatever you want.

But you need to accept the fact that not everybody believes the same as you. So using your personal religious beliefs to dictate how others should live their lives is arrogant and unfair. I mean, two athiests are allowed to get married as long as they are man and woman, and there's apparently no political problem with that... who cares? Different people have different beliefs. Different things make different people happy. The pursuit of said happiness is supposed to be what the USA is all about. I would argue that crapping all over another person's happiness when they are doing no harm to you is, in fact, anti-American (heck, it's also anti-human, but I'll save that for another rant).

People marry for money, power, convenience, security, obligation, and hundreds of other reasons that I find totally offensive... yet two people who are actually in love can't be married because they've both got a penis? What kind of stupid shit is that? Today over 4000 couples... 8000 people... were just told that their lives are nothing more than a toy to be played with in the name of politics and religion. They've learned their happiness is of lesser value than other people's happiness. I can't help but wonder if two terrific people I met while alone and stranded in an airport far from home are among them. I'm more than a little sad about that.

This morning as daylight was breaking, I got up and went out to the balcony so I could see how much more of my world is on fire. Luckily, the nearby hills seem to be unscathed, but smoke is still pretty thick in the air. I guess if I were to try and find a bright side to all of this, we do get really pretty sunrises and sunsets out of the deal. No photo can capture the deep red orb that has become our sun here, but it's fun to go ahead and try...

Hey look! While I was gone, Oscar started to get some new branches! I really need to set up a webcam so I don't miss any more critical developments as he grows up...

And, from the "yet another meme bites the dust" file: Theme Thursday has sent out an e-mail telling participants that they "haven't been having much fun with Theme Thursday lately" and have decided to "take a break." That doesn't sound bad until you read "If you'd like updates on the status of things and whether or not Theme Thursday will begin again in the future, feel free to leave your e-mail address on the list." Oog. That's not very encouraging is it? Theme Thursday is one of those memes I really enjoy, and I'm kind of bummed about this.

Today I'm off to Seattle so I can attend one of my best friend's wedding. Fortunately, the happy couple are of the opposite sex so they don't have to worry about the state annulling their marriage six months from now.

Or do they? The way things are headed, I have to wonder.

After having way, way too much fun at the wedding I attended last night, I packed my bags and headed back over the mountains toward home. I knew I was getting close when I started smelling smoke. I had almost forgotten about the fires raging in the canyons around us, and was shocked to see that the fires had gotten even worse. The smoke is everywhere, and so thick that all of the surrounding hills and mountains have vanished...

Tune: Being the 80's music junkie that I am, it drives me nuts when I hear a snippet of music that I know, and cannot immediately figure out what it is. Just now while watching the Olympics, I notice that in-between plays during volleyball, they play bits of music. Kind of a "Name That Tune" type of game if you pay attention enough to play along. The one that wrapped my brain in a knot, which I only just now figured out, was Big In Japan by Alphaville. That's kind of an esoteric tune, but does make the "game" more fun!

Hotness: Is it considered treason to root for the Japanese Women's Volleyball team? Not only are they cute, but they've got a kind of underdog sweetness going for them. Watching these ladies valiantly struggle against the 6-foot-plus Amazons on the American team is kind of inspiring. And hot.

Commentary: The main reason I loathe popular broadcast sports on television is the inane commentary. Are people really so stupid that they can't figure out what's going on without every single thing that happens being explained and elaborated on by commentators that just won't shut up for more than 5 seconds at a time? I find the Olympics much more enjoyable with the sound off, but then I can't play "Name That Tune!"

Presidential: Oh crap. Is it just me, or do the political commercials start earlier and earlier each year? I can't believe I've got to put up with four more months of Bush and Kerry ads... knowing they'll just get more frequent as the election approaches doesn't help much.

Veggie: I had high hopes for Boca Burger's new "Zesty Tomato Lasagna" because I'm always looking for frozen vegetarian foods that taste half-way decent. Alas, hope springs eternal. The "burger bits" in the lasagna are chewy like rubber and make an otherwise enjoyable meal suck ass.

Delightless: I just ate my very last "Mars Delight" bar that I brought back from London. Is it too much to hope that we'll eventually get them here in the States? I found a few places that import them, but they end up costing $1.40 each not including shipping and tax!! Oh well, I still have some of my mother's Teddy Bear Biscuits from Harrods to keep me company.

Spamed: Argh! When is Jay going to release the new version of MT-Blacklist? I'm getting slammed with comment spam, and am sick of having to manually delete this crap. How could he win the MT plug-in competition with a plug-in that you can't actually get your hands on?

The fires here have just broken over the ridge of Ollola Canyon. The smoke filling our sky that used to be a light gray is now black. Dozens of people I know are on Level 2 Alert and are prepared to evacuate (and some already have). Ash is falling from the sky. The light that's able to get through our darkened skies is now a lovely pinkish hue, casting painted shadows (strangely reminiscent of a Maui sunset) over all it touches. I can find only one tiny patch of blue sky, and it's closing fast. I guess you could say that the situation here is officially very serious...

This photo was taken at 2:00 in the afternoon, but it looks closer to 7:00 in the evening. The fire is moving so fast that I can't even guess what things will look like in another hour or two.

Sadly, Mother Nature is not in the mood to help out, as there is no rain in the forecast, and total containment is not projected any time soon (but is currently rated to be around 30%).

UPDATE: Well that was quick. A half-hour later and the light suddenly changed from pink to a ghastly shade of yellow. Playing around with the white balance on my camera, I can kind of capture it, but not really. Looking at it in person, there's an eerie glow to everything that just doesn't come through in photos...

At first it was just a glow from behind the hills. A half-hour later, an orange dot appears on the top. Twenty minutes after that, the hillside is in flames. Within minutes, the canyon is gone, and the fire shows no signs of stopping... I can only guess it's to the river by now, but I can't see past the tree-line to know for sure. Smoke fills the air. The horses in the field behind my apartment are understandably in a panic. Fire sirens can be heard in the distance. The canyons are at Level 3 and being evacuated. The streets are filled with people gaping at the blaze that's arrived on our doorstep. And now the wind is picking up, gusting straight towards us.

Here is the view from the front of my apartment just moments ago at 8:30 and again at 8:45pm...

The fire has jumped again, and now Hay, Nahahum, and Spring canyons have been escalated to Level 3 and must be evacuated all the way to Highway 2 on the river. From my window, I can see the flames now traveling down yet another hill, and can't help but wonder if I will wake to find everything across the river gone. The smoke is getting worse, and the smell permeates everything, including the walls of my apartment. I've been through a fire once before, and have no desire to do it again. Hopefully it won't come to that.

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea what I would see, because things were looking pretty grim the night before. So you can imagine my surprise when I went to the balcony and saw blue skies! Looking back towards the fire, there was a lot of smoke in the air (and you could still smell it, of course), but the flames had vanished. Early reports say that only one residence was lost and another damaged last night. That's pretty amazing considering how fast the flames were spreading. Apparently, the priority was saving homes, and fire that was not in proximity to structures (like the hillside) was let go, which is why things looked much worse than they actually were. We owe a heck of a lot to the firefighters who have done such an incredible job in protecting lives and property. Thanks!

I have mixed feelings about video messaging. On one hand, it's kind of cool to be able to convey the emotion and nuances of speech that only video (or face-to-face conversation) can provide. On the other hand, people can see you. Some people take advantage of that fact in ways that only demented minds can conceive. And by "people," I mean "Meagan." When you get an invitation to video chat from Meagan, you know full-well that she's going to be recording your every move to add you to her collection of embarrassing photos, but somehow forget once you start talking to her...

Meagan: Whatcha doin'?
Dave: Uhhh... workin', what are you doing?
Meagan: Nuthin'.
Dave: Well that must be sweet. Did you AIM me just so you could rub it in?
Meagan: No. I'm bored.
Dave: You could always come up here and fight fires.
Meagan: I'm not that brave.
Dave: Gee, I'm fresh out of suggestions then.
Meagan: You're looking particularly clueless today.
Dave: What?!?
Meagan: You know. Clueless...

Dave: Oh, that's normal for me.
Meagan: Well I find it charming. It's not good for a man to think too much.
Dave: Then surely there are more qualified guys you could be talking to?
Meagan: None come immediately to mind, no.
Dave: You're so sweet to me. Say goodbye Meagan.
Meagan: Goodbye Meagan!

As our previous presidential election so aptly demonstrated, some people are too stupid to vote. They punch the wrong hole, fill in the wrong square, or just plain don't pay attention to what they're doing while marking up their ballot. Of course, part of the blame should go to the designer of the ballot for not making the forms idiot-proof (if such a thing is truly possible), but whatever. Here in Washington State, our legislators recognize that people are stupid, and have come up with a solution to make sure voters don't screw up their ballot.

Unfortunately, the solution is pretty damn stupid.

In this year's primary, you are only allowed to vote for candidates from a single party...

"Put simply, this campaign is designed to protect votes. People must pick one political party September 14 and stick to that party’s candidates. If they don't, some of their votes will not count."
- Sam Reed, Washington Secretary of State

Uhhh... some of my votes may not count? I vote for the best person for the job regardless of which party they're affiliated with. Since the primary election determines who ends up on the final ballot, I think it's pretty important that the candidate I want for the job actually ends up there, which is why we vote in the primary in the first place.

Now, I realize the reason that some people think this type of system is a good idea is because it prevents people who support an unopposed party candidate from messing with the competition in a different party... but what about people like me who don't give a crap about political parties? I am not a Republican, Democrat, or a Libertarian so why am I forced to vote that way? Isn't this kind of bullshit unconstitutional or something? And if it isn't, shouldn't it be? I agree that something needs to be done, but this?

Apparently we have Governor Gary Locke to thank for our new f#@%ed up primary ballot. This makes me really glad that the dumbass is retiring this year, so I don't have to worry about him making any further restrictions on my right to vote for the candidate of my choice.

I find it shocking that we can't seem to put the technology together to create an accurate voting system. A system that remembers your vote from the primary and rolls it over into the actual election if the candidate you voted for makes it on the ballot (and, if they don't, obviously you would get to choose somebody else). But since we're still using the antiquated, outrageously stupid electoral system, I suppose I shouldn't really be that surprised. It would seem that the noble idea of "one person, one vote" and truly fair elections will remain a pipe dream for the foreseeable future.

From here in Cashmere, you could almost forget that there is a fire raging up in the canyons across the river... blue skies and only the slightest odor of smoke in the air (or maybe I'm just used to it?). Unfortunately, the fire is far from gone, and there are still hundreds of people evacuated from their homes as the 1,780 firefighters continue to battle it out. As of this morning, they are projecting the fire grew slightly (now engulfing an estimated 16,379 acres(!) but is still 30% contained. I ran across a nifty map on the official Fisher Canyon Fire Site that shows how the fire has spread day after day, and it's pretty frightening just how voracious a monster fire can be under the right (wrong?) conditions...

Smokey says "don't play with matches." I tend to concur.

Line: As of 7:30 this evening, they are reporting that the fire here is 65% contained and that they have a "line" around the perimeter. Good news to be sure, but strong winds running through the canyons means that the story isn't over just yet. Again, a huge thank-you to the crews working so hard to save our homes.

Bounce: This morning while eating breakfast, I watched the Olympics from yesterday that were recorded on my Tivo. I was a bit surprised to find out that jumping on a trampoline is now an official Olympic sport (and apparently has been since Sydney in 2000). At first I admit to thinking that this is the most ridiculous event since synchronized swimming, but you kind of get into it after a while, simply because it's a lot more difficult than it sounds. In fact, it's so difficult that most of the athletes mess up and don't even get to finish their routine. The hardest to watch was the Olympiad from Greece, who was forced to perform in front of the largest crowd yet to appear at Athens 2004. He tried his best, but it was obvious that the crowd really unnerved the poor guy. I think it's a real shame that they don't give you two chances to perform for things like this where it's so easy to screw up. It hardly seems fair that years of training can be flushed down the toilet because of one mistake. That's not competition, it's torture.

Keen: While watching an episode of Keen Eddie that I had never seen before ("Achtung Baby"), I was very happy to learn that they are releasing the entire series on DVD in September! It doesn't make it hurt any less that FOX was so stupid as to cancel the show in the first place, but it does help to ease the sting of it all. Now if they would only get Jeremy Piven's Cupid (the best show to ever be aired on television) out on DVD, I'd really have reason to celebrate. Oh heck, Keen Eddie's got Sienna Miller, how can you not celebrate? Jude Law is one lucky bloke...

Oscar: My little tree has been worrying me for a while now because he developed yellow tips on his needles. I thought things were getting better because new branches started popping out, but today I noticed that the formerly yellow needles started turning brown on the tips. Not knowing what else to do, I removed him from behind the sliding glass door and set him out on the balcony (thinking perhaps the sunlight through the window was baking him). He's never spent the night outside before, so I'm a little worried that he'll not react well to the elements. Hopefully this is just what he needs to get well again, because I'm running out of ideas.

Protest: I've made a decision to protest the inane new "vote for one party only" ballot that's been forced upon Washington State residents for our election primary this year. As I previously mentioned this has me really pissed off, because I vote for the person, not the party. How am I going to protest? By voting exactly how I want to vote and not declaring a political party affiliation that I don't even have. As I understand it, this means my vote won't count, and my ballot will be tossed out. So be it. If I am forced to vote in a way that's contrary to my convictions, then what good is a "free" election in the first place? Why doesn't Governor Gary Locke (who championed this idea into law) just put the people he wants us to vote for on the final election ballot and eliminate these silly primaries entirely? Dumbass. Why should only party members be able to vote for who ends up on the ballot when we all have to live with the ramifications?

Adventure: Tomorrow the excellent blog "Adventure Journalist" is hitting the road on an 11,000 mile road trip. I cannot wait to see what new tales such a journey will generate for her notebook! Best wishes to Tonya, Shane, Ryan, Sarah and the dogs for a safe trip and, of course, a world of adventures!

I've already blogged about how astoundingly cool I think Exploding Dog is. Sam Brown somehow manages to effortlessly create powerful pieces of artwork that brilliantly express emotions and ideas in a way that few other artists can match. And he does all this with cartoons. Cartoons I love to print out and hang on my walls. Cartoons that I collect and share. Cartoons that make me think.

Today I was looking through the past month of Exploding Dog and ran across my favorite one yet which is titled "sometimes there aren't enough rocks..."

Awwww... the little rock that's taking a leap off the table is about the cutest thing ever...

And the look on the left-rock's face here is priceless...

Maybe that's what I find so remarkable about them?

Is it too much to hope that Sam releases this brilliant piece as an autographed print?

From the "I guess I don't know everything" department: today I learned something entirely surprising. There are two different spellings for the different meanings to the word "compliment/complement." Seriously, how in the heck can I be finding out something this basic so late in the game? It's not like English is a second language or anything... it's pretty much all I got! I shudder to think how often I've misused/misspelled the word over the years. It would have been to my compliment to complement my English skills with this knowledge a long time ago. Did they even teach this in school? Was I sick that day?

As a public service to anybody who also was sick that day in school...

Compliment (with an "i"): An expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.
Complement (with an "e"): Something that enhances, fills up, completes, or makes perfect.

Oh, and by the way... one thing I DO know is that "they are" is "they're" NOT "their."

Despite a really rough day at work, plus the horrifying news that I've got another international trip coming up, plus getting soaked riding to work on my motorcycle in the rain, plus getting a nasty email concerning a blog entry that's months old, and getting poked in the eye... there were a few cool things that happened today.

Quentin: The first good news event of the day: Quentin Tarantino has started a blog! This demi-god of filmmaking wonderment is my single favorite writer and director — and his acting is pretty badass as well (his guest-spot on Alias is easily one of my favorite moments that doesn't involve Jennifer Garner looking brutally hot! Please, please, please come back once or twice for season 4!). Here's a few old posts defining why Quentin rules the earth:

• Uma Kicks Ass! I wax poetic about the best movie of 2003, Kill Bill, and ponder hot woman-on-woman cat-fight action!
• Berardinelli Sucks Ass! I expose James Berardinelli's complete incompetence as a movie critic by dissecting his laughably lame "review" of Kill Bill from ReelViews.
• Kill Bill v2 My review of the breathtaking second-half of Uma's ass-kicking goodness in Quentin's action-revenge opus.

Lego: As if Star Wars Lego wasn't cool enough, now they're making a video game out of it! Is it too much to hope that you can build your own Lego starships to fly around in? The concept is gold, so they had better not screw it up! I mean just look at this...

Medal: I really don't care for "interpretive" sports, like gymnastics, because there's never a clear winner... it's all subjective as to who was the best. Never has that been more clear than the embarrassing screw-up by the judges in their handling of the Men's Horizontal Bar. After a stunning routine by Russian gymnast Alexsei Nemov (with only a small hop on the dismount) the judges handed down an unbelievable 9.725. What's cool is that the crowd would have none of it, and after a lengthy round of booing, the judges upped the score to 9.762 (which still seemed low). I agree that Italy's Igor Cassina deserved Gold, but Nemov should have had Silver (instead of 5th), followed by Hamm with the Bronze. Still, you have to feel bad for Hamm who had to follow Nemov and started his routine while the boos were still going strong (despite a noble effort by Aleksei to get the crowd to stop).

Ride: The rain stopped long enough for me to have yet another great motorcycle ride at dusk. There are times when I hop on that bike that I toy with the idea of not coming back. But then it gets dark and starts getting cold and I reluctantly turn toward home.

Mondays usually suck... that's what they are designed for. This allows you to have a better "rest-of-the-week" and enjoy the weekend. Sure there's that pang of horror that hits your stomach late Sunday when you realize tomorrow is dreaded Monday, but that's just the way it goes (unless you live in the U.K. today, where they are having a bank holiday). Now, since I had to work all weekend, my Monday shouldn't suck at all. Monday should have been just another day.

But it wasn't.

My Monday sucked just as bad as it usually does, and that's not fair. It all started when I found out that Indian Larry had died while performing a motorcycle stunt. This guy was a true artist, and watching him in bike design competitions on The Discovery Channel was always a highlight. He will be missed...

Another sad bit of news is that James Doohan who plays "Scotty" on Star Trek had a farewell convention this past weekend, which will be his final public appearance. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and it won't be possible for him to attend anymore conventions. I've met him in person twice (he lives in Seattle, and regularly attended cons there), and he is about as nice a person as you're ever going to meet. The thought of losing another original cast member is pretty harsh.

When I finally got to work, things weren't much better: I found out that the email server will be down all day. Since email is used for about 90% of my communications, you can imagine just how fun that makes an already difficult job. Now I actually have to get on the phone and call people which sucks ass because I loathe doing business over the phone. I thought that servers were supposed to have redundant hard drives and stuff so outages don't happen, but it is a Windows server, so whatever.

Normally, I would rejoice in the fact that at least my personal email is working, but today I received an email so vile that I almost wished that it was inaccessible as well. A while back I wrote an entry on how dumbfounded I was that 4000 same-sex marriages were annulled in California. It doesn't matter whether I believe in it or not, it just seems really wrong to me that people can't love the person they want and be with the person they want (this is America after all). I had received two "wrath of god" type emails after I posted it, but then everything went back to normal... until today. I am tempted to post a copy here so that people can see just how hateful their fellow-humans can be, but it's so bad that I can't bring myself to do anything but delete it. In response, I can only say "peace unto you brother" because it sure sounds like you could use it.

The one bright spot in my day was reading people's reactions to Microsoft gutting some of the features in the next Windows release code-named "Longhorn." It's all just too funny. First Windows users were going to have to wait an additional year to get the features Mac users will be getting in 2005... now they won't be getting some of them at all! Of course, you know what this means: to compensate for Longhorn being short on features, it's time for another round of Mac bashing to come out of Redmond! As I mentioned before, any time Microsoft experiences a setback, it seems they trot somebody out to verbally talk about how great Windows is and how superior it is over Mac and Linux because they don't physically have a product whose superiority can speak for itself. "Put up or shut up" is something Gates & Co. just doesn't seem to understand. It's crazy that people continue to bend over and be shafted by Microsoft like this when better alternatives are out there.

If I just go to bed and try to forget that today ever happened, does that mean I'll get another Monday tomorrow?

iMac: Apple announced their new G5 iMac at the AppleExpo Paris today. It's pretty sweet, though I wish that the bus was faster and it came with more than 256MB of memory. As always when Apple has something new, I want one even though I don't need one. My G4 Cube I use at home is still the most beautiful computer ever made, even though I admit the idea of an elegant, all-in-one computer that's only 2-inches thick (along with that speedy G5 processor) is tempting. Oh well, I think I'll keep saving my pennies for a G5 PowerBook when they (hopefully) debut next year.

Skype: Also announced at MacExpo Paris is that a beta of Skype has just been released for MacOS X. In case you've been living in a box for the past year or so, this program allows you to make free phone calls over the Internet to any other Skype user, and even allows you to call any phone in 22 countries at just 2¢ a minute. I have at least a dozen friends around the world that keep after me to "just buy a cheap Windows PC so we can Skype" (as if!) and it's a bit of a relief to know I won't have to worry about that anymore. UPDATE: Skype ain't no Apple iChat A/V... but the quality is very good, and seems to work great so far.

News: A note to the New York Times and any other news service which requires registration to view your crap: Unless you have photos of a UFOs invading the earth or Elizabeth Hurley naked, I'm not going to bother. When are you people going to get a clue?

Sharona: A television show I really like is Monk on USA Network. It's a series about an obsessive-compulsive detective (played by the always excellent Tony Shaloub) who solves crimes from a rather unique perspective. The problem is that sometimes the show goes too far, and the obsessive-compulsive bit gets annoying. The only thing that saves Monk at those moments is his nurse/assistant Sharona (played by Bitty Schram). But now Bitty is leaving the show. Something tells me Monk has just jumped the shark.

Rock: Finally got around to watching the Never Scared HBO Special from Chris Rock (from his Black Ambition tour). It never ceases to amaze me what that guy can get away with on stage. He truly is fearless, which makes him that much more of a genius in his work. Some of his observations are so brilliant that I wish he would film a G-rated version of the show so that more people could hear what he has to say. Sure such a show would be only 10 minutes long once the R-rated material was cut, but it would be a very important 10 minutes to watch.

Just because I don't like the idea of being the only one having nightmares tonight, here's a tale of your tax dollars at work. In the name of "National Security," America just keeps slipping away bit by bit doesn't it? How long will it be before I don't recognize it anymore?

As usual, I ended up having to work on this Labor Day holiday. This year I was a bit of a rebel in that I didn't actually go into the office, but decided to work at home. I don't know that it makes me feel any better about it, but it does have the benefit of allowing me to hang around in my underwear all day. I was toying with the idea of taking off a few hours for a motorcycle ride but, since that would involve me putting on pants, I took a pass.

I'm really hoping this means I'm just lazy today (or hate wearing pants), because if it means I am losing my desire to ride, I'm sure my desire to live will soon follow.

Sadly, working ten hours today still didn't get me caught up. Usually I'd feel bad about that... but given events in Russia, Florida, Iraq, and all the other horrifying news events of the day, I just can't bring myself to do so.

Everybody take care and be kind.

Today the annual Chelan County Fair opened up. When I was younger, this was a huge deal and the lives of everybody in the valley revolved around the event.

Unfortunately, today the fair doesn't seem as important as it once was. Kids are playing video games instead of making craft projects and raising livestock, so there's not as much to see anymore. Because there's not as much going on, fewer people show up. Because fewer people show up, the price for entrance and parking have skyrocketed. Because it's so expensive, even less people are showing up. Catch-22.

It's all very sad, really. This once great event is a shadow of its former self. I wonder how much longer things can head down this spiral before the fair will close for the last time?

Even though I'm not really interested in anything the fair has to offer, I still like to eat there. Every year I manage to bum a free pass so I can have lunch at the fair. There's something about a fresh ear of corn dripping in savory butter from the American Legion Booth (followed by a funnel cake for dessert!) that will never go out of style to me.

Nine-Eleven is a day of profound sadness for me. I'm sad because two thousand, seven hundred and twenty-seven people were killed in a senseless act three years ago... but mostly I am sad because of what this tragic loss means to all of humanity: If things keep going like this, we're not going to make it. That's not to say I've lost hope, but such a visual symbol of how truly far away we are from living together in peace is hard to ignore. I realize that terrorism is not new. I understand that the horrifying events at the World Trade Center in 2001 are just a blip on the terrorism radar that claim untold thousands of innocent lives every year. But it all solidifies for me on this day and I continue to be dumbfounded that people just can't seem to get along.

On the one-year anniversary of 9-11 two years ago, I said in my then-blog "Dave Spot" that I could not bring myself to write about the subject because no words could possibly express how I feel (that blog died a few weeks later). On the two-year anniversary last year, I again was at a loss for words and decided to instead write about the new Fall television season and the discoloration on the exhaust pipes of my motorcycle (thinking that writing about mundane events would somehow make me feel better, I guess).

This year is not any easier. It would seem that time does not heal all wounds, because I feel more sickened by 9-11 with every passing year. It's the date that things started going Terribly Wrong. We're now in a war where over a thousand American soldiers have been lost, and heaven only knows how many other people... from innocent civilians, to reporters, to soldiers from other nations, to Al-Qaeda... and everybody in-between. Terrorism is a constant threat and shows no signs of letting up. The America I know is slowly eroding. Peace seems further and further away.

To try and lift myself out of a lingering depression that such thoughts inevitably bring, I decided to do something truly American today: shoot handguns and eat a McDonalds hamburger! But then I realized that my Buddhist philosophies prohibit such things, and had to come up with something else: breakfast at Barney's!

Saturday mornings at this eclectic Cashmere eatery are truly a slice of American life, and I wanted to be a part of it today. Barney's started as a tavern, but is slowly being re-imagined as a family restaurant... with attitude. Today was especially fun because tourists over from "The Coast" (i.e., Seattle and the surrounds) were popping in on their way to the fairgrounds. Nothing is more amusing than watching city-folk try to make sense of us rednecks here in hicksville. The people at the table across from me were greatly amused while reading the menu, which I found funny because it was written with people just like them in mind. A few of my favorite selections:

Notice: Annoying the Cook will result in smaller portions.
PRICES subject to Change according to customer's attitude.

We are not a "Fast Food" outlet, please be patient, we have only one deep fryer and a small grill. You can ask how long your order may take. If you don't have time to wait, then please don't order. We are not a 5 star Restaurant. We can tell when you walk in if we will be able to please you or if you are one of those people that no one can please and you should not eat out. We have been in business since 1980, We lost our patience in 1981.

Two Eggs cooked, served with fried potatoes & toast................$3.75 {Poached, scrambled, basted, over med-well, over hard, over easy — extra $12.50}. Crisp Potatoes $15.00 extra. We will also ask you to stand while we announce that you are the reason everyone else has to wait for their breakfast because you want crisp potatoes!

And so on.

You probably think that they are just joking around, and they are... but not really. Gary and Virginia (the owners, cooks, bartenders, and janitors of this fine establishment) are two of the nicest people you will ever meet, but they seriously will not put up with any bullshit or big-city attitude (and neither will the staff). There are moments here at Barney's that are priceless. I love it when some ignorant Redmond socialite decides to "rough it" in our section of the State and comes here to "experience" a small-town rustic restaurant... then asks if they can have a glass of white wine to go with their Barney Burger because they're "just not finding it on the menu." The result of such an action is always entertaining, and there's been more than one time I've been eating here that I wish I had my video-camera.

I know it sounds bizarre, but knowing that places like this exist makes me feel better on a day like today. No matter how horrible world events may seem, no matter what mess our government has gotten us into, America will go on (and the folks at Barney's will get around to serving you when they damn well feel like it).

I see from reading Boing Boing that the old "Petals Around the Rose" puzzle is making the rounds again. I have fond memories of being introduced to the game by a very good friend who loved this kind of thing. This puzzle is especially fun because many people have such a tendency to over-think it.

You can give it a try at Robert Borrett's site (and read a funny anecdote as to what happened when Bill Gates tried it). If I remember correctly, I managed to solve it in five rolls because my fourth roll was "no petals showing" which led me to ask a significant question about the game which my friend refused to answer (but the look on his face told me what I needed to know). On the fifth roll, I realized what was happening, and was inducted into the "Fraternity of Petals Around the Rose."

Just remember... once you've figured it out, you are forbidden to tell anybody the secret. All must come to the sacred knowledge for themselves!!

Somebody found my blog after reading another blog called "Lifeless Matter," and suggested that I should do the BBC's Fifty Things to do Before You Die checklist they saw there (guessing I might be a good candidate considering all my traveling and stuff). I have to admit that it is an interesting list (though it has a bizarre fixation on wild animals and mountain expeditions), so I thought "why not" and gave it a try. From the looks of things, I am 2/5 ready to die already.

Personally, I have my own list of "Things I Want to Do Before I Die," but I only add something to it after I've actually done it. That way, I don't die unfulfilled!

Anyway, not exactly the list I would have chosen, but you can read my comments in an extended entry...

Lucas: Finally got around to watching the Star Wars Trilogy DVD set in-between my marathon work sessions, and am still amazed at how Lucas could have created such genius in the original Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back, only to completely flush the franchise down the toilet with the inane Return of the Jedi and horrifyingly bad prequels. Diminishing Star Wars to a series of burp and fart jokes that's riddled with insipid characters like "Ewoks" and "Jar Jar Binks" so you can sell more toys to the kiddies is about as lame as lame gets. The changes he made to Episodes IV and V are upsetting, but whatever. I don't give a crap about the changes he made to any of the other films, because they all suck. Still, if you're a Star Wars geek, the set is well worth picking up (but then you probably knew that).

Empire: Is not The Empire Strikes Back one of the most perfect action-adventure flicks ever?

Kryptonite: Some idiot in Toronto is organizing a TWO HUNDRED MILLION FREAKIN' DOLLARS lawsuit against Kryptonite, the lock makers, because the cylindrical locks they manufacture are easily defeated by using a Bic pen. It's disturbing to know that America's sue-happy mentality is infecting other countries. I own a Kryptonite lock for my motorcycle. Am I upset that the lock can be so easily picked open? Yes. Am I pissed off that Kryptonite has known about this failing for a decade and chose to ignore it? Sure. But do I think the company should be sued for TWO HUNDRED MILLION FREAKIN' DOLLARS when they have volunteered to contact all registered customers and exchange the locks free of charge? No way! I mean, come on! If your bike was stolen because your Kryptonite lock was defeated, then YES... by all means sue the bastards! But if you've not been a victim of their incompetence, what right do you have to sue them? Just exchange your busted lock for a free new one and shut up. The millions of dollars Kryptonite is already going to have to pay to fix the situation is punishment enough for their stupidity. I mean, TWO HUNDRED MILLION FREAKIN' DOLLARS?!? f#@%ing lawyer ass-hats.

Panasonishit: Panasonic just called to sell me an extended warranty on the piece-of-crap DVD recorder I bought. I felt compelled to ask the saleslady why in the heck I would buy an extended warranty for the junk when it has never worked properly and Panasonic hasn't been able to fix it? Nothing I have ever bought from this company has worked right. Not my VCR. Not my Phone. Definitely not my DVD recorder. Panasonic gear is crap, and the fact that they don't support their customers when it fails makes Panasonic a shitty company that will NEVER get another penny of my money.

Mars: The new television season is pretty bad, but I happened across a show called Veronica Mars that took me by surprise. Then I saw it was created by Rob Thomas and understood why it was good... he's the brilliant mind behind the greatest TV show of all time: Cupid. Only the stupid bastards at ABC would cancel such brilliance. Yargh!

I am getting so very tired of clicking on news links only to find that I must register to view the material. It's so stupid, because news is news and if you won't let me view it without registration, I'm just going to go someplace else to see it. The idiots at Sydney Morning Herald wanted me to register, so I said "kiss my ass" and then went to the BBC News site and read their story without having to give up any personal info.

I just love how ass clowns like the New York Times say "by requiring registration we are better able to determine which areas of the site are of greatest interest to our users," which is complete bullshit. Web servers keep very detailed logs that show exactly where people's interests lay. And if you're lying about why you force people to register, are you also lying about what you do with the information you collect?

Even more stupid, how do they know that the people who are suckered into registering are going to provide accurate data? If I ever end up registering, I think I'll be a 16 year-old hispanic woman living in Iowa with an income of a billion dollars who works as a neurosurgeon. What good does that information do you? Dumbasses.

I think today shall be declared Elizabeth Hurley Appreciation Day! Well, for me every day is Elizabeth Hurley Appreciation Day, but I'm not letting that stop me. After having gotten Kazza to post a photo of the delectable Ms. Hurley in her blog, I decided to do the same. To top off this day of delights, I think I shall have to watch Bedazzled for the fiftieth time (nothing is quite so very nice as watching Liz being very naughty!).

Again, much link love goes out to the Sexy Sexy Elizabeth Hurley Pictures site, from which I have swiped this photo. It is easily one of the best sites on the Internet, and I highly recommend that you go there and spend an hour or two admiring breathtaking photos like this one...

Lovely. Perhaps this will have to be a double-feature night and I'll watch Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery along with Bedazzled. It's not like one can ever get enough of Elizabeth Hurley.

... the other Washington. Most of the time when somebody mention's "Washington," people are trained to think "Washington, D.C." since it it the capital of the USA where everything is happening (this is especially true East of the Mississippi). But in recent days they might just be thinking of my home here in Washington State, where an awful lot of stuff has been going on.

We've got Mt. St. Helens erupting... again. The last time this happened, my home town got covered in ash, the skies were darkened (causing the sun to turn blood-red), and schools were closed. Scientists tell us that any eruption that might occur will in no way compare to the event in 1980, but what do they know? Every time you turn on the news, the chances of lava flowing down the slopes goes from 10% to 50% and now 70%. The current reports tell us that an eruption is imminent and could happen any minute now...

In sports news, we had the double whammy of the Seattle Mariner's Edgar Martinez retiring and Ichiro Suzuki breaking an 84-year old record for most hits in a season. It was a shame that the Texas Rangers decided to celebrate by pulverizing the Mariner's 10-4 in last night's game. I'm a little surprised that news agencies outside of the Pacific Northwest aren't making a bigger deal out of Ichiro's amazing accomplishment. At best, it's being treated as a footnote to other sports news, which doesn't seem right. Congratulations Ichiro-san!

Other news that's getting National attention: Two completely worthless human beings were given a pathetically short 9-month jail sentence for tying a stray dog to a tree and shooting it ten times with a bow and arrow. Between the two of them, they have previous crimes of child molestation, burglary, and forgery. NINE MONTHS? With almost no punishment for such a heinous offense, how long will it be before they move on to torturing people? Why not shoot them with arrows? Animal rights groups across the country are understandably furious.

And yet another story that's making National news: The Washington State Bush Re-Election Campaign Headquarters in Bellevue was broken into and laptops with important information were stolen. The police say that it doesn't appear to be politically motivated. Republican officials, of course, say differently. I just find it surprising that laptops containing critical campaign plans for the entire State are just left out in the open rather than being locked up.

For anybody interested, KOMO 4's web site is following all of these stories (I actually prefer KING 5 for my news, but the idiots require registration at their web site). By all means check in from time to time to see if I'm covered in molten lava.

More than a couple of people have asked what I thought of the US Presidential Debates, so here we go. The honest truth? I think that both candidates pretty much sucked. On one hand you've got President Bush not being able to put together a coherent sentence without repeating inane sound-bites over and over (and the "I'm-a-dumbass-deer-in-the-headlights" stare didn't help either). On the other, you've got Kerry over-compensating for his liberal views by making absurd statements like "I will hunt down and kill the terrorists, wherever they are," (which makes him sound like quite the little terrorist himself... what ever happened to "bringing them to justice?"). Bush scares and embarrasses me. Kerry doesn't inspire me. These two guys are the best America has to offer?

Oddly enough, the Saturday Night Live parody of the the debates the other night was a better analysis than I've found anywhere else. I wish I could post it without having to worry about NBC legal pouncing on my ass.

I had already decided not to vote for President Bush because of his tasteless jokes at the expense of the military personnel he sent to Iraq (I wrote about it on this entry, question #20). Anybody who would so thoughtlessly joke about starting a war has absolutely no business running the country. None. But is Kerry the better choice? I don't know.

As usual, it's Neil who has stumbled across the solution (and he doesn't even live in the USA!). I will take an Internet loyalty quiz to determine my vote...

BUSH LOYALTY QUIZ RESULTS: "Your score is 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. You can't stand George W. Bush. The mere mention of his name makes you cringe, and every time you hear him speak, it makes you want to jump out the window. You will vote for Anyone But Bush."

KERRY LOYALTY QUIZ RESULTS: "Your score is 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. You're leaning toward John Kerry, although you have some reservations about him. You believe he's presidential material, but wonder if he truly has what it takes to defeat President Bush. He's a bit uninspiring and makes you wince on occasion, but you're willing to suck it up and vote for him anyway."

Wow. That's kind of spooky because the results have pretty much distilled my feelings exactly. Kerry rides a motorcycle and uses a Mac, so that's another couple of points in his favor. I have my doubts as to whether Bush would even know how to turn on a computer, so I guess his platform of choice is kind of irrelevant. Politics suck ass.

I guess there are a few benefits to the change in weather. The trees sure do look purty...

Argh. I am not ready for winter just yet.

Shock: Will somebody please tell Pizza Hut that having Miss Piggy sell pizza topped with Canadian Bacon is just wrong?

Disbelief: Why in the heck does CSI Miami (with dumb-ass David Caruso) get a new guy that's incredibly competent while over at the real CSI (with cool-ass William Petersen) they've turned the once-competent Greg into a bumbling moron? I know that Greg has always been a bit awkward socially but, when it came to the job, he was always brilliant... now they move him out to the field and he's suddenly stupid? Why?

Anticipation: It's the Boston Red Sox vs. the New York Yankees. Again! Boston hasn't won a series since 1918... is it too much to hope that this will be their year even though they went insane and traded away Nomar?

Disgust: Political ads have always been pretty nauseating, but the recent crop of television ads are just horrendous. In my home state of Washington, incumbent Senator Patty Murray is in a fierce ad-battle with candidate George Nethercutt, and they both end up looking like complete asses. Nethercutt is a total bastard that's using 9/11 as a battering ram to scare people into not voting for her... Murray is a total bitch that's using public health as a wedge to manipulate people into not voting for him. Stop attacking each other and attack the issues you dumbasses.

Hilarity: Yet another amazing presidential debate parody on Saturday Night Live. How do they do it?

Horror: I'm out of bread. How am I supposed to make toast now??

It's harvest time here in the valley and trucks packed with bins of apples are lining up at the warehouses. The nice bit is that the smell of apples is in the air, and eating a fresh-from-the-tree piece of fruit just can't be beat. I suppose I should enjoy it while it lasts though. We used to be "Apple Capital of the World," but with more and more cheap apples being imported from China and elsewhere... well, it seems that every year another bunch of local farmers are having to tear out their orchards and sell the land to avoid bankruptcy. Quite sad really.

Mars: I know I should stop being amazed at how wonderful the new television show Veronica Mars is, but I just can't help myself. Every episode is better than the last (much like Boston Legal and Lost). The October 12 episode had a twist near the end that completely caught me off guard, and that almost never happens! I am thankful that the show is on UPN, because ABC would have probably cancelled it by now.

Repeat: The only down-side of watching Veronica Mars is that the theme song is the infectious We Used to Be Friends by Dandy Warhols. Now I can't get it out of my head and, by the time I finally do manage to forget about it, a new episode of Veronica Mars is on again.

UFO: I don't know if I believe in alien abductions or not, but it would sure explain a great many things. Nobody can have as bizarre a life as mine without alien abduction in there somewhere.

Clarification: And when I say that, I mean aliens abducting me... not me abducting the aliens. Though that too would explain a great deal.

Cellular: When I renewed my contract with Verizon wireless, they completely screwed up my billing. Every month I get an outrageous bill with insane charges. Every month I call Verizon to get it straightened out. Every month Verizon throws meaningless numbers at me in an attempt to "explain" their unexplainable mess. Every month I beg them to just give me a pay-off amount so that I can bring my account current and be done with it. Every month I disagree with the charges, but relent and pay anyway so they will just leave me alone. Every month I send in the money they ask for, and it makes no difference. Every month my bill arrives with a mystery "past due amount" that makes no sense. Every month I waste time and energy with Verizon that could be spent doing something else.

Work: I have four days in which to complete two weeks worth of work. I guess that means I have four 20-hour work days ahead of me. It's not the first time but, honestly now, I'm getting entirely too old for this crap.

Doggy: Neil has a calculator so you can find out how old you are in dog years. Apparently I'm 270 years old. See, I told you I'm too old for this crap.

For the second day running, we have a story on the front page of the newspaper with the "shocking" news that members of Congress are getting their flu shots despite the scarcity of the vaccine for everybody else.

All I can say is "I would certainly hope so."

I mean, come on... these lawmakers make decisions that affect billions of people! The last thing I want to read in next week's headlines is that Congress approved a Presidential order for a preemptive nuclear strike into Canada by one vote because somebody was out with the flu and couldn't make it!

That being said, I think flu shots are a crock of shit. It only protects you from a small percentage of the various flu strains out there and, assuming you don't die from an allergic reaction to the shot itself, could make you sicker than if you actually got the flu in the first place. I've never had one myself, and secretly wonder if it's a government conspiracy to inject mind control drugs into the populace (insert X-Files theme music here).

Today I went to pick up my mail at the post office from the past 4-5 weeks and discover a letter from the Chelan County Auditor's Office:

I've had the same signature for over a decade. In the six years that I've been using an absentee ballot, there has never been a single problem with my vote.

Until now.

I wonder why that is?

Good thing I checked my mail, because usually I go months before I bother. I wonder how many other votes weren't counted because of stupid stuff like this? It would certainly explain a lot.

Argh. Another four years of being hated when visiting foreign countries because we have a president I didn't vote for and don't agree with most of the time.

I should have became a pirate and stolen the cruise ship after all.

UPDATE: After visiting the courthouse, I found that they were using a signature from 20 years ago when I registered to vote... not the signature on my absentee ballot request of 8 years ago. Bizarre. I changed my signature on purpose, I wonder how many people unintentionally change their signature over 20, 30, even 50 years from when they first register? Seems kind of flakey to me.

I've returned from vacation and was looking forward to getting caught up with work, watching all the shows stacked up on my TiVo, and relaxing a bit. Alas, it was not meant to be. I've got a quick trip to Chicago ahead of me instead. Oh well.

TiVolution: I did manage to watch a few new shows that I am obsessed with. Namely, Veronica Mars, Lost, Scrubs, and Boston Legal. Seven hours of brilliant entertainment (2 episodes each) that have restored my faith in television. Every week Lost tells the background of a major character (in flashbacks) that explain how they got to where they are now, and I am captivated. Though I have to admit being a little nervous about what will happen when they've run out of characters to explore. Since only 48 47 people survived, what happens afterwards? Knowing J.J. Abrams, something spectacular.

Hope: Dare I get my hopes up again, only to have George Lucas dash them to pieces? The trailer for Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith is all over the Internet and looks fantastic. Hearing James Earl Jones' voice as Darth Vader again after all these years is chilling. All that and Wookies too!!

Weight: The government has just released a study that reveals that the increase in average weight by 10 pounds of Americans in the 1990's has caused airlines to burn 350 million more gallons of fuel at a cost increase of $275 million in the year 2000 alone. But that's not the real problem... despite the fact that 65% of Americans are now classified as obese, airlines continue to pack seats closer and closer together. Planes that used to have 5 seats across now have 6. Planes that used to have 38 rows now have 42. If you are over 5'6" tall (I'm 6'2") then flying coach is absurdly uncomfortable no matter how much you weigh. If you're obese, you can diet. There's nothing I can do to make myself shorter.

Belated: Boston Red Sox World Series Champions. At last.

Treason: I received a surprisingly literate (but no less disturbing) email labeling my blog as "treason" because I don't support the president "who won fair and square." This is odd because at no point have I ever said that I "don't support the president." As an American, I'm pretty much obligated to respect the office of the president and support our country. For the record, what I don't support is the notion that Americans (or the world, for that matter) should not disagree with the president or question his actions. This is the very foundation on which the country was founded, and to imply otherwise is what I consider to be treasonous.

Foxy: Firefox release candidate 2 has been released for MacOS X. I find myself using it and Safari almost equally now.

Trash: If you've read my blog for any length of time, you already know I loathe Cnet. What I don't understand is why everybody doesn't loathe Cnet. Their anti-Apple rhetoric, anonymous editorial policy, and biased "journalism" makes them a source of "news" that should be wiped from the face of the internet. Just look at this URL to one of their stories at news.com:
http://news.com.com/ipods+are+the+tools+of+the+devil/2100-1041_3-5439378.html
Uhhh... "iPods are the tools of the devil" ?!? Even their URLs are biased. Worthless Cnet asshats.

Waahhh: I don't want to go to work today. Given the 3-hour time difference plus this antiquated daylight savings nonsense I am working on, the day seems half over even though it hasn't even began. Oh well, at least I get to leave early so I can pack my suitcase and head out again. Maybe gaining 2 hours in Chicago this weekend will fix me up?

Maher: It would seem that Bill Maher's ex girlfriend is suing him for 9 million dollars. She is claiming that he had her quit her successful career as a Delta Airlines flight attendant with false promises of marriage and buying her a home in Beverly Hills. REMINDER TO SELF: When flying to Salt Lake City this Sunday on Delta, be sure to ask the flight attendant where I can pick up a job application. I loathe the idea of dealing with bitchy passengers all day long, but would gladly do so for the millions of dollars they apparently make.

Lost: I just realized that I forgot to watch the amazing new J.J. Abrams show, Lost, last night! Thank heaven for TiVo!

Jeunet: One of the most brilliant directors in cinema, Jeanne-Pierre Jeunet (who crafted the utterly amazing film Amelie) has a new movie coming out with strong "Best Picture" Oscar buzz called A Very Long Engagement. I cannot wait to see this film, and have watched the trailer at least a dozen times now (drooling over the delicious Audrey Tautou and the breathtaking visuals again and again). Today I learned that this new movie which is set in France, filmed in France, and uses a cast of French actors and technicians, is now being challenged in French court as to whether is a French film and thus eligible for government subsidies. It's nice to know that the USA is not the only country suffering from a serious lapse in logic lately.

Koolerz: Last night I picked me up some "Koolerz Piña Colada flavored Gum" to take to work with me. Today I was dismayed to find out that the gum tastes *fabulous* for 48 seconds (I timed it!), but then all the flavor is gone and you're just chewing a substance that tastes like motor oil on plastic. I was wracking my brain to try and think of another product you can buy that satisfies for such an astoundingly short time period of time... and then remembered my worthless Panasonic Recordable DVD Player, which satisfied me for only 42 seconds. Fortunately, the gum only cost $1.29.

Thanks: For all who served. Thank you.

WoohooooOOO! Look at me... I'm blogging with no pants on!

Blogging with no pants! I slay me!

My constant traveling has finally caught up with me, and the only clean clothes I have are a Hard Rock T-Shirt from Munich and a pair of Joe Boxers with sharks printed all over them. It's not an easy look to pull off successfully, but somehow I make it work.

I really don't have any choice until the clothes come out of the dryer.

Oog. I have to work all day today, but really should make time to take a look at my personal email, which has been neglected for the past several weeks (sorry). In the meanwhile, here's the "Random Question Meme" which was assembled from questions in other memes (as seen on Neil, Kazza, and Richard's blogs)...

1. What is your favourite colour? Periwinkle. It's kind of a purpley-blue color (and, depending on your screen, is the color scattered here on my blog).
2. Tell me about a talent or skill you possess, which I've not yet witnessed or discovered. I play a pretty mean game of quarters.
3. What was your favourite subject in school? Geometry.
4. What is one place to which you've never been, but you'd like to visit, someday? (Locally or abroad) It's a tie between Greece, China, and Australia.
5. Are you a morning person or a night person? I would rather stay up late than get up early.
6. Are you left-handed or right-handed? I am ambidextrous, but favor my right hand strongly.
7. Did astronauts really land on the moon, or was it all a hoax? Real.
8. What's in your pocket? (Or if there's nothing in your pocket at present, what sorts of things are most often in your pockets?) I'm not wearing pants! But, if I were, there would be my "wallet" (a stack of cards and some cash with a rubber band around it) and my mobile phone.
9. In 10 years, you see yourself... (Finish that any way you desire.) ...visiting the last Hard Rock Cafe on my list.
10. There's a power outage, and you don't have a generator. This means no electronics--no computer, no telly, no videos, no stereo and no electric heat or electric kettle--what do you do to keep warm, content and entertained? I dunno. Buy a hooker and a cheap bottle of tequila?
11. What's one thing you cannot bring yourself to eat? Meat (I'm a vegetarian). Other than that, I'd have to say either mushrooms, broccoli, or cauliflower... all of which I loathe.

Off to work.

One summer whilst vacationing in Maui, I noticed a mother quail leading a half-dozen baby quail across the back yard of our condo. Suddenly, the neighbor's cat (named "Neko," which is kind of a cool name for a cat if you speak Japanese) appeared. Almost instantly, each of the baby quail ran to a shrub and stuck their heads in. Meanwhile, the mother quail created a nice distraction for Neko to divert his attention from the poorly-hidden chicks.

Eventually, Neko got bored and wandered off, at which time the mother quail called the chicks out and it was back to business as usual. Such a unique approach to danger was not lost on me (baby quail are really cute, and that wasn't lost on me either).

Most everybody would write this off as instinct. They would say the mother quail is programmed by "Mother Nature" to protect her chicks, so that the species will survive. This may be true. But every time I think back, all I see is a mother putting herself in danger so that her children would be safe. The fact that she happens to be a bird doesn't make it any less remarkable to me.

I am thankful I'm not a turkey today.

Today is World AIDS Day. I've known three people with AIDS. I currently know one person with AIDS because the other two died. This does not, of course, include the hundreds of people I know... some of which who may have AIDS, and I just don't know about it. And that's because AIDS is indiscriminate. AIDS doesn't care if you're gay. AIDS doesn't care what color your skin is. AIDS doesn't care how old you are. AIDS doesn't care what god you pray to. Anybody can gets AIDS, and anybody who thinks they are somehow immune from AIDS is deluded.

That's because you don't have to actually have AIDS in order to be affected by it. It's just too huge a crisis to think of as "somebody else's problem."

Join the fight against AIDS. Educate yourself.

In the summer, I have the excuse of riding my motorcycle to explain the complete mess on top of my head... everybody understands helmet hair, and all is forgiven. But summer is over now. So when I opened up a video chat first thing this morning, I was mortified that I could look this bad with no excuse whatsoever...

I think I've decided to shave my head for the holidays.

I have three layers of protection from spam: I have decoy addresses which I use for open communication. I have a paid service at SpamCop. I have active filtration in my MacOS X Mail program. Putting aside the fact that I am outraged that I am forced to pay in order to have email be useable to me, I am relatively happy that scum-sucking spammer f#@%heads rarely get through my defenses. On those occasions where spam does get through, it's kind of a curiosity to me. Sometimes I open them even when they are obviously spam because, well, that's curiosity for you...

FOR THE LOVE OF GRAVY! You somehow managed to get a spam through to somebody, and THIS is what you've got to say?!? I don't know what irritates me more, the fact that I get the spam in the first place, or that spammers are illiterate dumbasses who can't be bothered to use spell check when they send out something that they know is going to irritate the shit out of somebody (it's SCHMUCK you BITCH!!). Even if you're not a native English speaker, the very least you can do is have somebody who actually knows the language take a peek.

And here's the rub... since this spam is obviously advertising porn of some kind, for lack of an actual image to let you know what "Morgan" looks like, you are left with only "her words" to paint a mental picture. And right now, I'm envisioning that "Morgan" is some kind of diseased crack-whore so appalling that her own husband doesn't want anything to do with her. And I am supposed to click on this link why?

Do spammers write this shit with the assumption that nobody is actually going to read it? And, if they do, why do they bother to send it? Just when you think spammers couldn't be any more stupid than they are...

Back in the days when I wasn't using one-word titles for my entries, I would have called this one "Red Wizard Shot the Food!"

I love my GameBoy Advance. Since I spend so much time traveling, it makes a great time-waster while hanging around in airports because of canceled flights, unscheduled delays, and a multitude of other unpleasantries that come with flying. The only problem is that so many of the games now-a-days are hopelessly complex. There are exceptions but, for the most part, modern video games are annoying to play because you have to read a manual 1-inch thick in order to know what's going on.

Fortunately, Nintendo has started releasing "retro-arcade" classics that are pretty much direct ports of the original NES-adapted games. Unfortunately, they are stupidly priced at $24 each (HOLY COW! THESE GAMES ARE DECADES OLD AND REQUIRED NEXT TO NO EFFORT TO RELEASE!). Even more stupid... rather than create an emulator to play a copy of a copy of the original, why not just emulate the original from the arcade? You can't get more authentic than that! I dunno... maybe when these games are in the bargain bin at $9.99 I'll consider it, but over $20? Forget it.

And now we have the new GameBoy Advance DS (dual screen) with even more complicated games and voice/touch input.

Bleh.

I guess I'll continue to play original arcade games on my laptop for free using MAME. This incredible software lets me play all my "old-time favorites" (albeit illegally) and leave the cluttered and complex world of "modern" videogames behind. Back then, graphics were crappy and memory expensive... so you focused on excellent and exciting game play (while the exact opposite seems to be true today).

Take Donkey Kong, for instance...

This masterpiece from 1980 (24 years ago!) consumed untold hundreds of hours of my life, and did it in an astounding 60K of memory. That's 60 kilobytes. Not megabytes... not gigabytes... that's measly kilobytes.

And then came the astounding NEXT GENERATION of arcade titles in the latter half of the 80's, giving us 10 times the memory, higher-resolution graphics, voice synthesis, and fantastic games like Gauntlet II...

In just 600K, this marvel ate away at my college years with a vengeful fury (probably because you could play with three friends all at once, rather than having to take turns). Sometimes, in the dead of night, I can still hear it speaking to me... "RED WIZARD SHOT THE FOOD!", and "BLUE VALKYRIE NEEDS FOOD BADLY!" (and, since somebody else probably just gobbled the food you needed so badly, your only option was to drop in more quarters so you could continue playing... my mind boggles at how much money these machines must have raked in with four people spending quarters continuously to keep playing).

I guess for now I'll hang on to my GameBoy Advance and hope that the classic games start being released at a classic price. Maybe I'll change my mind when the new Playstation Portable comes out, but somehow I doubt it.

One of these days I need to compile a list of my top-ten favorite arcade classics... but first I'm going to have to figure out just how high Q*Bert would be on a list like that. I totally owned that game.

Nomaaahh!: Let me get this straight, Nomar just signed a 1-year contract with the Cubs for $8 million, after passing on a $60 million 4-year contract with the Red Sox WORLD CHAMPIONS? Even if the Cubbies pick him up for four years, he's still losing $7 million a year. I cried for a week when Nomar left Boston, now I think I'll laugh for a week at his fine business sense (then cry the week after that because he's still making millions of dollars for playing a game).

Joystick: Continuing my video game blathering from yesterday... not only are the games dumbfoundingly complex, but the controllers are ass. Two thumb-pads, four shoulder buttons, four action buttons, and two function buttons seems to be standard now. This leaves me concentrating more on what button I should be pushing than actually playing the game. On top of that, I don't want some tiny pad for directional movement... I want an actual joystick! I thought it would be simple to go buy one, but I thought wrong. The closest thing I can find to what I am wanting is an X-Arcade Stick, but that's as big as a house and costs $100!! Harsh!

Cars: Looks like Pixar's follow-up to The Incredibles (titled Cars) has just been pushed back seven months. They say it's so that they can better time their movies (release a feature in Summer, then crank out the DVD version for the holidays), which makes sense from a business standpoint. But many people are speculating that the bigger reason is to give Pixar CEO Steve Jobs more time to decide about renewing a distribution deal with Disney after he finds out who is replacing Michael Eisner (the guy who's been running Disney into the ground for the past decade). A third option, which is my personal guess, is that the movie sucks...

You can then spend the next two hours of your life exploring the rest of the Aardman web site, which showcases numerous examples if their beautiful work in claymation. Dang. Now I want to go watch Wallace and Gromit!

Stockholm: Since Veronica Mars is now in reruns, I was flipping through channels and saw that The Amazing Race 6 was in Stockholm! Furthermore, contestants were hanging out at The Sheraton Stockholm, which is the same hotel I was at. Anyway, while I like the idea of racing around the world, I cannot bring myself to watch the show... it's just too painful to have to watch rude Americans be assholes to natives and complain all the time. As I was turning the channel, contestants were in Africa complaining about everything from how "gross" the taxis are to how stupid they think people are because they can't speak English ("DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? I NEED SOMEONE SPEAKING ENGLISH!!!"). Holy crap. Thanks for being such a stellar example, dumbass.

Letterbox: Last night I had to stop by Wal-Mart and noticed that they had The Bourne Supremacy on sale for a staggering $15 (which is cheaper than even DeepDiscountDVD!). Since we are entering rerun season on television, I thought I would grab a copy because I remember it being a pretty good flick. But when I got home and started it up, I noticed it was the STUPID FULL-FRAME VERSION! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! Why in the heck do they even sell butchered films? When are people going to realize that anytime they buy a film that has "been reformatted to fit their television" that they are missing half the movie? Sure the letterbox format's black bars at the top and bottom of your TV screen are annoying, but it's a small price to pay for getting to see the ENTIRE MOVIE AS IT WAS INTENDED TO BE VIEWED!! Argh.

Sorry to rant, but HOLY SHIT... it's bad enough that Chewbacca didn't get a medal at the end of Star Wars, but if you are watching the lame "Full-Screen" version, he doesn't even get to appear on the screen! The Digital Bits has a good argument for widescreen (letterbox) formatted movies, and excellent examples which you can see by clicking here.

This morning I awoke to a lot more non-spam email sitting in my "in-box" than usual. There were emails about my Nomar entry yesterday ("His FANS didn't get him where he is, his TALENT did!!! If you're a Nomar fan then start rooting for the Cubs!!"). Email from people upset about my rant against car drivers who run over motorcyclists ("To believe in God is to believe in forgiveness and we must forgive those who trespass against us just as we ask forgiveness for our sins"). Email from friends ("What are you doing for New Years?"). Email from the brilliant zefrank letting his loyal followers know his site has been updated ("Its been a while since the last update: told you I wouldn’t spam you"). And so on.

But my favorite piece of email was from somebody who read my Anonymous Letter #1 entry about rude mobile phone users, and had a link to share with me: Coudal Partners has come up with SHHH! (Society for HandHeld Hushing) to fight back against obnoxious mobile phone users, and even have little cards you can download and pass out...

My favorite card is "The world is a NOISY PLACE. You aren't helping things" (though all of them are pretty darn clever). A pity I'll probably never have the guts to actually use the cards, but things are getting so bad I may have to risk it in order to save some moron's life.

Because, mark my words, the day some nut-case shoots and kills an obnoxious mobile phone user is coming. There have been shootings over far more stupid reasons, and it's only a matter of time.

UPDATE: And now they have Road Rage Cards that you can hold up to show dipshit drivers exactly how you feel. I think my card would be permanently turned to the "SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT" page (I worry about getting killed from using some of the more -ahem- direct cards). A shame I can't use such a thing while riding my motorcycle (unless I felt like dumping it on the road, that is).

I've developed an aversion to killing in recent years. I'd like to think that this is due to spiritual growth that has come from studying Buddhist teachings, but it only seems to apply to innocent creatures... there are still plenty of people I would like to kill (if you drive slow in the passing lane, this means you). Anyway, one day I just decided that killing is the "easy way out" in life, and it is much more commendable to preserve life wherever you find it.

For the most part this means not killing bugs that wander into my apartment, but instead capturing the little critters and then releasing them outside. After all, they don't really know any better, and can hardly be blamed for trespassing where they are unwanted. Sure it's a lot more trouble than just squashing them with a swatter, but there's a certain satisfaction which comes from knowing that the infinite power you possess over such a small and unassuming life can be used for something other than death and destruction.

Anyway, Sarah over at the most excellent "One Before" blog has written a heartwarming short entry (titled "How Wetas Become My Friends") which reaffirms my thinking on the matter... "just because you can do a thing, doesn't mean you should do it."

There are too many people in this world who are in desperate need of reflecting on that. Especially those who seem to look at human beings as nothing more than bugs to be squashed.

It is a bit strange, but I think this year may actually be the first in my life-time memory that we will not be having a white Christmas. The bit of snow we received in late November has long-since vanished, and the temperature never seems to get very cold. I'm kind of regretting now that I put my motorcycle away for the season, but it was really impossible for me to believe that I would be able to ride it in mid-December. I suppose everybody will have to settle for a foggy holiday, since that's all we seem to get...

And, speaking of holiday, I'd like to take this opportunity to send out a big bucket of Christmas cheer to the presumptuous ass-clown who emailed me with the thoughtful observation that I am a "G-dless heathen" for not celebrating Christmas. Since it is my mission in life to make everybody happy, I guess I'll just have to go sacrifice a tree and worship Santa Claus so I can fit in with the masses.

I must be officially old now, because my idea of a blow-out New Years party seems to be a lot more mellow than it used to be. My nephew, on the other hand, seems to have the right idea...

I loathe shopping. If it were possible, I'd order everything over the internet and never step foot in an actual store ever again. But we're in the middle of a winter storm warning here, so I volunteered to drive my mom to Weantchee and drop her at some kind of function she needed to be at... with two hours to kill, I decided shopping was better than waiting in the car. Oh well, at least the holiday shopping circus is over with.

Parked: My first stop was Shopko to get a plastic tub for storing my computer cables. Just after parking, I got a call from a friend on my mobile phone. While talking to them, a car pulled up next to me which I ignored. A minute later my car shook so hard that I nearly dropped my phone. Turns out an enormous woman exiting the Cadillac in the spot next to me decided to be an inconsiderate bitch and shove her car door into the side of mine. I got out and screamed "HEY!" but she just laughed and said "blame the store for making their parking spaces too small!" Enraged, I screamed "THAT'S NO EXCUSE TO DING MY CAR YOU IDIOT!!" But she ignored me and walked away. WTF??!? If I had a sledgehammer in my trunk, that bitch's POS would be on the receiving end of some serious damage.

Large: My next stop was JC Penny to buy some undershirts. Unfortunately, everything is too big. Plenty of Large, X-Large, and XX-Large, but no Mediums. When I ask the clerk what's up with that, she says that they don't bother getting much of the smaller sizes in anymore because most people need the larger ones. Well excuse me for not being bigger, but WTF??!?

Mart: I despise Wal-Mart. Well, not Wal-Mart per se, but definitely the people who shop at Wal-Mart. For that reason, I go there only when forced, and would gladly pay more money to avoid the cavalcade of morons that seem to congregate there. But there was something I needed to pick up for my grandmother, so off to Wal-Mart I went. Once I got used to the screaming, tonight wasn't all that bad.

Fashion: Next up I head to the fabric store to get some cloth so I can make some new shirts. Yes, you read that right, I make some of my own shirts. Well, I don't actually make them, I just design them, cut them out, mark them up, then take them to a seamstress or tailor to have them sewn. I fully realize that most people think this is utterly bizarre, but allow me to explain... 1) I need tall sizes, but tall sizes are not easy to find here. 2) I like my shirts fitted and, since I can't buy Donna Karan or other well-tailored shirts here in Wenatchee, my only choice is generic off-the-rack stuff that billows out on me and looks sloppy. 3) Donna Karan and other well-tailored shirts cost at least $100 each, and I can have two or three shirts of equal quality made for that amount. 4) I actually prefer shirts I design to what I can get here in hicksville Wenatchee (I discovered that I could design clothes quite by accident back when I was drawing comic books). In all seriousness, it's so easy that I don't know why more people aren't doing this. My latest is a kind of laced-neck peasant shirt (which seems to be an upcoming fashion trend from what I've seen in my travels). I've modified it a bit to have buttonless wide-cuff sleeves, a banded collar, and a split flop band at the bottom so it looks good when not tucked in...

Calendar: And lastly, I needed a new wall calendar for my office at work. The good news is that everything is half-price at the "World of Calendars" kisok. The bad news is that there's not a lot left. My most appealing choice is "The Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen 2005 Twins Calendar," but I fear that might be grossly misunderstood, so I take a pass. Since I don't want kittens, puppies, dolphins, butterflies, or greased-up firefighters with their shirts off and their hoses out, I settle for Curious George. There's something comforting about that crazy monkey.

All of that only took about an hour and fifteen minutes, so I spent the rest of my time shopping for a new book at Hastings. Here's hoping that don't have to go through all that again for at least another six months.

Well that was fun. My usual five-minute commute to work ended up taking just over an hour. First I couldn't get TO my car. Then I couldn't get IN my car. Then I couldn't get out of my parking spot. Then I couldn't get out of the driveway. All thanks to a lovely ice storm that blew through last night.

Things actually started yesterday around 4:00. That's when I heard the gentle "plink plink plink" of frozen moisture falling onto the skylight at work. By the time I left at 5:00, little beads about 2mm in diameter were washing across the landscape like sand, making a "swoosh swoosh" sound when walking through it. By the time I went to bed at 11:00, the beads turned into drops that were too big too freeze on the way down, so we had heavy rain in freezing weather.

The result was not pretty. Here's my car door handle frozen solid, with the ice having flowed into the mechanism. I eventually managed to free it by squirting hot water into the seams...

Of course, getting the handle to work is only half the battle. Here's the door seam after I've been chipping into it for five minutes with an ice pick. I couldn't use hot water, because it would probably have cracked my windows...

Here are pieces I finally managed to chip away from the trunk with a screwdriver (so I could get to my ice scraper). The only reason I was able to do this is because Saturn cars are not made of metal, they are made out of some kind of flexible polymer. I kept flexing and denting in the panels and eventually the ice would crack enough to be removed. A pity that kind of thing didn't work on the windows, where the ice had bonded so hard that no amount of scraping would remove it...

Once I got to my ice scraper in the trunk and used it to open my door, I was able to turn on the defroster. Twenty minutes later the ice was easily removed. Well, not easily, you're still having to try and balance on a sheet of ice while you scrape, but easier than a screwdriver. Of course, then the challenge is to actually drive on an incredibly slick surface. It was not easy, and it took at least ten minutes to successfully get out of the driveway. Fortunately Cashmere has a top-notch snow-removal crew, so the roads were okay, but you still had to hit the brakes five car-lengths before the stop or else you'd end up in the middle of an intersection.

I really, really hope I don't have to go through this tomorrow.

Wait a second... somebody just told me that TiVo DVRs run on Linux? Yet TiVo isn't releasing a version of their TiVo Desktop software for Linux users? (at least that's what I get from reading their FAQ).

Yikes. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. That's a nice "f#@% you" to the people who made your product possible!

Anyway, speak of the devil, I finally watched President Bush's inauguration speech off my TiVo and, I must say, I'm a bit disappointed. I want specific details, not vague rhetoric! Here's just some of the things I was expecting him to announce (and, if you don't understand what "sarcasm" is, you may want to skip it)...

Beer Endowment Fund:
I maintain that it is the right of every American citizen to drink free beer. You would think that the presidential administration would agree, and support widespread drunken behavior. Mostly because drunk people wouldn't mind so much that the economy is in the toilet, Osama bin Laden is still at large, the weapons of mass destruction apparently don't exist, the rest of the world really doesn't like us much and, even after "mission accomplished," our soldiers and countless others are still dying in a very expensive war that's way out of control.

Reality Television Limitation Act:
The horrifying stupidity of 99% of the reality shows plaguing the television landscape is appalling ("Who's Your Daddy?" "The Littlest Groom?" "TRADING SPOUSES?!?"). Normally I don't believe in government intervention in the public sector like this, but something has to be done before what little intelligence left in the average American TV viewer is sucked away. Limiting each network to a single reality show per season would be a good start.

Preemptive Strike Against Canada:
The obvious next logical step in the president's bid for global domination war against terror is to "liberate" Canada. This would have a number of immediate benefits... 1) We're really concerned about protecting our northern borders but, if Canada were annexed into the U.S., our northern border would be somewhere in the Arctic Circle and who wants to go to that kind of trouble? 2) Those whiners who threatened to move to Canada if Dubbuya won the election would have to explore other options. 3) French-Canadians who suddenly find themselves American citizens could practice an entirely new level of self-loathing, because apparently all the French hate us. 4) "The Great State of Manitoba" has a nice ring to it. 5) There'd be no more border crossing delays when heading up to visit strip clubs in Vancouver.

Spammer Death Penalty:
Oh come on. You know you want it.

Quizno Sandwich Subsidy: I love me the Quizno subs! But when it costs $8.31 for a small drink, a regular Veggie Sandwich, and a bag of chips... well, it's not like I can afford to eat there very often. For that kind of money, I could buy EIGHT servings of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes at Taco Bell! Government subsidizing of Quiznos purchases is not entirely out of line considering they've been propping up the beef industry for decades (which is how a Big Mac costs $3 instead of $30).

National Dave Appreciation Day: My brilliance should be celebrated world-wide but I'd settle for a national holiday as a start. Laugh all you want, but you'd get a day off work, so it's a win-win situation.

Now that's odd. Suddenly I have this overwhelming desire to kick a spammer's ass, then celebrate by watching a stripper on reality-free TV in Canada while eating a Quizno's sub, drinking a beer, and appreciating myself.

I was supposed to be in Seattle by now, but things are not going as planned. In fact, things are so far off-plan that it's time for a new plan... something that involves preparing for a week-long, trans-Atlantic trip in two hours (including washing all the clothes I'm taking and then packing my suitcase).

Yes, I need a plan that somehow does not adhere to universal laws of time and space. But, if there's an up-side, I suppose it's that I have time to clean the grout in my bathroom while waiting for my pants to get out of the dryer.

Hah, just kidding. I'm going to make a peanut butter sandwich and watch cartoons.

Love, as it has been said, is a disease that people are happy to contract. And like a disease, love can have a very bad outcome indeed... including a broken heart, insanity, bankruptcy, death, and even an opening for contracting other diseases. Fortunately, I have a built-in immunity which has been carefully acquired over the years. By ingesting several small doses (and one very, very large dose) of failed attempts at love over a very long period of time, I've got a clean bill of health. Outside of my family and friends, I'm certified love-free (but I don't think that's going to make any difference on my life insurance rates).

That's not to say I haven't had moments where I've felt my immunity weakening, that's part of life. In fact, at some points I find that immunity can even be bolstered by allowing yourself a temporary "love fix" for short durations... let's say 20 minutes to two hours in length (any longer and, like morphine addiction, you may not want to escape it).

Mind you, I am not advocating the love-free lifestyle, I'm just saying that it has somehow come to suit me. Especially when it means I can avoid scenarios like this (hmmm... in reviewing last year's entry, I'd have to say I'm slightly less bitter this year). Besides, tomorrow a woman with superb ironing skills could come along and change my mind of the subject entirely.

Anyway, nothing could possibly eclipse my love for you, dear reader...

Hope your Valentine's Day is a happy one!

I had lost some papers and, in looking for them, came across the very cool Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes giant "Collector's Edition" comic book that I had purchased at a yard sale years ago. Figuring that my important papers were actually not-so important after all, I took a few minutes to read this huge spectacle of an adventure.

To sum up the story... the evil sorcerer Mordru escaped imprisonment and opened up a can of whoop-ass on the entire Legion of Super-Heroes. Only Superboy, Mon-El, Shadow Lass, and Duo-Damsel managed to escape his wrath by time-traveling to the past. They eventually got lucky when Mordru's rage caused him to imprison himself in a landslide. When they return to the future, they found out that Princess Projectra, Dreamy, and the White Witch had fooled Mordru into thinking he had kicked their asses, when he really didn't...

You tell 'em Mon-El! Silly girls!!

Not exactly the most gracious of compliments but hey, the story was written in 1975. Women have come a long way in the last thirty years. Or have they? I was curious to imagine what the story would have been like had it been written a decade later in 1985. After all, this is when the Eurythmics had released the women's movement anthem "Sister Are Doin' It For Themselves"...

Coming back from a trip is always chaotic, even when it's just four days long. Add to that the fact that I leave again this weekend, and it's just that much worse. There's so much I want to do... so much that needs to be done... and just not enough hours in the day to make any measurable headway. The only reason I have time to even write this is because I've got a backup running on my work files for the next twenty minutes.

Oh well, here's my day so far...

Bush: The oddest voicemail was awaiting me at work. Somebody from Congressman Tom Reynolds' office called on behalf of the National Republican Congressional Committee and left me a vague message about my attending some kind of dinner with the president. Thinking it was a mistake, I called back to see if they had meant to leave the message for somebody else. As it turns out, they didn't. They specifically had my full name. Furthermore, the dinner wasn't with the president of the NRCC, it was with the President of The United States. I could not figure out why they had my name, considering I am... 1) Not a Republican, and 2) Not a resident of New York, which is where Tom Reynolds represents. Anyway, when I explain all that to the lady at the NRCC, she replied "you don't need to be a Republican to have dinner with the President." Which made me laugh out loud, because I'd probably end up being shot dead. Something tells me that my overwhelming urge to bitch-slap President Bush so hard that his lips are smacked off his face would not be looked kindly upon by the Secret Service. I vehemently disagree with the man on so many levels that I simply can't imagine being at some kind of dinner function with him (no matter how much of an honor something like that is supposed to be).

DSL: I am a long-time supporter of EarthLink Internet Services. For years I've been a happy subscriber because EarthLink is a big supporter of Apple Computer, and is always up-to-date on the latest Macintosh OS foibles. Then last year they lowered their monthly price from $49.99 to $39.99... for everybody except me, and I was (needlessly to say) very upset. I called three times to have them fix this error so I could save $120 annually on my internet bill. Each time they promised to do so if I would renew my contract for a year, which I was happy to do. But every time they didn't process the adjustment, and I ended up continuing to pay $49.99. Finally, Verizon offered me a $29.99 price I couldn't refuse (that's $240 a year in savings!) and I called this morning to dump EarthLink. When I explained the situation, the lady tried to convince me to stay and said she would honor the $39.99 price I was promised. I told her I'd agree if she's give me a credit for the $120 I've lost from their screw-ups, but apparently they didn't want my business that bad. Oh well. Hopefully I won't be without DSL at home for more than a day or two.

State: Ever since driving through Alabama, I can't help but think they got shafted. I'm sure there's a very good reason for it, but why is it that Florida stole most of Alabama's coastline? Greedy bastards. I mean, they've already got ocean on three sides (not to mention Disney-World)... what do they want with Alabama's only real shot at beach-front property? Surely Alabama could benefit from the tax revenues that come out of Pensacola and the entire Fort Walton Beach/Destin resort area? Kind of sad really. When I complete my world domination, I'll have to fix that...

Toob: What in the heck is up with Veronica Mars?!? As the show played out last night it was just one shocking revelation after another... The Russian Mafia? Logan has a sister played by Alyson "Willow" Hannigan? Veronica finds her mother? Duncan and Meg? Veronica and Deputy Leo? And the most shocking possibility: VERONICA AND LOGAN?!? And now it looks like it's on hiatus for several weeks, which is a huge bummer. Such an amazing show. And speaking of amazing... Betty White is killer on Boston Legal lately. They keep giving her a little more to do, and the latest "born again" angle to her maliciously wicked Catherine Piper character is icing on the cake.

AppleTiVo: The rumor mill is running overtime that Apple is wanting to acquire TiVo, with TiVo's stock price jumping 17% as a result. That would rule the earth, because finally TiVo would have the proper financing, technology, and drive to innovate itself out of the horrible mess they've gotten themselves into. My only hope is that if something like this were to ever actually happen, Apple would 1) release TiVo files as protected QuickTime format rather than the stupid proprietary format their using now, and 2) give us an "iPod Video" to play them on. Given their success with audio in the iTunes/iPod arena, it seems unthinkable that Apple wouldn't want to get in on video too. Absorbing TiVo would be a good start, and give us something cool as an alternative to "Windows Media Center" crap. Next would be an iVideo store where we could buy movies and TV shows. I am giddy in anticipation. Yes, giddy as a schoolgirl.

iPod: Speaking of iPod... Apple updated it's lineup today. iPod Minis have been given brighter colors, more memory, longer battery life, and a cheaper price. iPod Photo was reconfigured in two much less expensive models. The original iPod looks to be on the way out, since there is only one model available now... I can only guess this means all iPods will eventually have color screens and "photo" capabilities.

The exciting bit is that Apple is also releasing an iPod Photo "Camera Connection Cable" in March which will allow you to transfer photos from your digital camera directly to the iPod. That's so compelling that I may actually have to think about buying a new iPod next month... not for music (for which I am much happier using my iPod Shuffle) but for the storage and photo backup features while traveling.

Switch: Speaking of Apple... on the way home from Seattle yesterday, I stopped at the SouthCenter Mall to see the new "Apple Mini Store" that they dropped in. It's really sweet and, like every other Apple store, joyfully packed with potential Windows switchers. While I was waiting in line to ask about AppleCare repairs on my PowerBook, I saw two Mac Minis, a PowerBook, and a few iPods sold in just thirty minutes. They could have sold at least a half-dozen iPod Shuffles in that time as well if they had any in stock (the phone was ringing off the hook with people wanting them). Every time Apple opens a new store, it's like printing money. Because once people get a taste at just how amazing a Mac is compared to the Windows shit they've been using... they're going to buy. The guy who bought the PowerBook was a musician who stopped by to "check out the Mac" and ended up making a purchase after playing around with Garage Band for just fifteen minutes. He just kept saying "this is so cool" and "I can't believe it" over and over and over again. I thought he was going to pass out when he asked "how much extra does it cost for the Garage Band software?" and was told it was included free with the computer. "It's really FREE? How can they do that?!?" Well, it got you to buy one of their computers, so that's how. I just hope he didn't get into an accident rushing home to start playing with his new Mac.

Yargh. Whatever am I going to do without internet tonight? Just my luck that this is when some Trackback spammer is going to slam me... it always happens when there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't know why I am such a magnet for life's little oddities, but the strange stuff seems to cling to me like velcro. Not a day goes by that I don't find myself saying "well that's a bit odd." And today has been stranger than most.

Since Verizon still hasn't got my DSL working, I've been leaving for work early each morning to check my email and see how many TrackBack spams I've got piled up. That in itself is not odd, but the fact that the killer geese were back and waiting for me as I was leaving was. I still have no idea what I have done to get these birds so pissed off... but there they were running around and honking all over the place while I was trying to get to my car. As I was scraping the frost off my windshield, one particularly sinister goose decided to run over and honk at me personally. I finally screamed at it to "shut up!" after which it just stared at me for a bit, then turned tail and wadled away to discuss the matter with his evil geese brethren (or so I would imagine). I'm certain that tomorrow the geese will have devised some kind of revenge, so if you don't hear from me again, I was eaten by angry birds.

Once at my office, I eliminated the twenty-or-so TrackBack spams and then moved on to my "real" email. By far the most intriguing of which was a letter from somebody who stumbled across my Flickr photo album and was wanting to know if I was single and looking to "hook up." At least, it was intriguing until I noticed that the email was from a bloke named "Brendan." Not being quite that desperate for companionship (at least not yet), I had to write and politely decline. The odd bit here was not that I got the email (who am I kidding, I'm about as masculine as Michael Jackson on a good day), but that I was inexplicably flattered to have received it. I suppose I'll have to analyze that when I have some spare time available.

Then, as if a sign from a higher power that I shouldn't have dismissed that email so quickly, I received an unexpected call from my ex-ex-ex-girlfriend. And here's where I struggle to find the words that can properly sum up my feelings toward this woman because "scorching bitch from hell" just doesn't seem to cover it. Perhaps I should consult Mr. Jerz or something, because even more descriptive profanity such as "sack-licking whore" utterly fails to adequately describe my loathing. Resisting the urge to just scream "f#@% YOU BITCH!!" into the phone and hang-up, I grit my teeth and ask what in the heck she could possibly want. Turns out her mother wants my address and she was wondering if I had changed it. And here's the odd bit... I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET HER MOTHER!! About a million thoughts go running through my head, all of them profoundly bad. The only conclusion I can come to is that this is some kind of clumsy attempt to get back together, so I end up screaming "f#@% YOU BITCH!" after all and slamming down the receiver. Now I'm wondering if her mom just saw my picture or something and wanted to send me cookies. Crap! I like cookies!

Wishing I had some calm-inducing drugs, I instead take out my passport so I can get a current photocopy. Every time I return from a foreign trip I update the copies in my safety deposit box so that there's a proper record if I should lose my international identity. So there I am flipping through the pages, looking for an EU stamp from when I went to Germany last month... only to find out there isn't one. The immigration guys in Amsterdam didn't stamp it! Then I notice I didn't get one for my previous trip to the EU either. "Well that's odd" I say. I didn't think the USA had such an understanding relationship with our European forbearers, but there you have it. I guess it does eliminate those embarrassing self-stamping-related accidents at passport control, but now I'll never be able to fill up all the pages in my passport as I had hoped.

And then my mail comes. Included within is a sample packet of laundry detergent, which is odd because I so rarely wash clothes at work. As if that weren't enough, I also get some kind of advertisement which is written in what I think is Portuguese, with no English translation. I'm tempted to run it through Alta Vista's Babelfish translator, but I just don't care enough. Perhaps if there was a screaming monkey on it or something.

So here I sit on my lunch hour attempting figure out how I can wedge in a trip to Stockholm in April so I can attend the "Rocky Stocky" Hard Rock Anniversary Event, all the while wondering what could possibly come up this afternoon to top my morning. I'm sure the aliens will be landing any minute now.

Things that are pissing me off right this minute...

Delayed: Naturally, my layover in Seattle for the flight to San Francisco was delayed. On-time departures are becoming exceeding rare now-a-days, and it has me seriously reconsidering air travel. To drive to San Francisco takes 12 hours. To fly here today (including all the time for transfers, security, and all the rest) took 10 hours. And it's not as if I am any less exhausted from flying than I would have been driving... they suck equally considering out of all that time, the flight from Wenatchee to Seattle is 40 minutes, and the flight from Seattle to San Francisco is 1-1/2 hours. And it doesn't help that Alaska Airline's connection schedule out of Wenatchee is pretty terrible in the first place.

Labels: The first blog entry I read this morning is from Patrick, which refers to a CNN article about how music labels are wanting to increase the cost of digital downloads so that they can make more money. What a bunch of monkey-spanking asshats! AT 99¢, DIGITAL DOWNLOADS ARE ALREADY TOO DAMN EXPENSIVE!! For example... to buy a CD of John Mayer's Heavier Things from Amazon costs $9.99 which is fine if you want a disposable piece of plastic that will clutter up our landfills once you've ripped it. To buy Heavier Things from iTunes Music Store costs $9.90... which seems pricey given that there was NO CD PRODUCED!! Digital music should be CHEAPER than CDs, and now dumbass music companies want to charge MORE?!? I can tell you right now that the minute it costs more to purchase digitally than it does to purchase a CD, I am STEALING EVERY f#@%ING SONG I WANT... WITH NO GUILT WHAT-SO-EVER!! If music labels think that punishing people who want to buy music legally is the way to increase profits, let's see how they feel when everybody is finally tired of their bullshit corporate greed and NOBODY buys music legally. Perhaps then musical artists will figure out a way to release their music WITHOUT dumbass record labels and we'll be rid of the label-system once and for all.

Verizon: Just found out that Verizon accidentally cancelled my DSL installation and has rescheduled it AGAIN... this time for MARCH 9th!! Good thing I signed up for one-month of dial-up service, because they've got their heads so far up their asses in coordinating between what is happening between the sales/service/disconnect/connect departments that I may NEVER get a hook-up.

Access: It used to be that I got pissed off when a hotel didn't have high-speed internet access available. Now that everybody seems to be getting it, I only seem to get pissed when they want to charge for using it. I am currently staying in the beautiful Westin Millbrae at San Francisco International Airport. It's home of the magnificent "Heavenly Bed" which makes me love Westin hotels so much, and gives the chain an edge when I have to decide where I am staying. Except they charge $11.95 a day for internet access, which sucks ass. I am of the feeling that internet is like running water and electricity... it is a necessary part of a hotel stay, and should be included with the room. From now on, I don't give a shit if my "Heavenly Bed" comes complete with a happy-ending full-body massage, so long as Westin charges for internet access, I'll be staying someplace else.

Hah: Just kidding. If Westin really did offer happy-ending full-body massages for free, not only would I not care that you had to pay for internet, I'd probably move in and never leave.

The one bit of good news is that BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) has finally made it all the way to the airport! So now it's just a $5 ticket to get into the city, which is a pleasant change from the $15 it costs for an airporter bus, $35 for a taxi ride, or $40 for a car rental. Too bad it's forecast to be raining all day today.

It seems as though everything is broken now-a-days. Everywhere I go, I see broken remnants of people, places, and things. Take today for instance. Some friends invited me to the Get Shorty sequel... Be Cool. Now, going to movies in a small city like Wenatchee is not a regular movie-going experience. The theaters are pretty crappy. The picture is crappy. The sound is really crappy. In the end, I suppose that it's a social thing more than a movie thing.

Anyway, we're watching the opening ten minutes of the film when the crappy picture gets even worse, then goes black. The lamp is broken or burned out or something, and they can't fix it. That means I just drove 30 minutes for no reason at all. And what do I get for my trouble? A free movie pass...

Sorry for the inconvenience?!? If you were REALLY sorry, you'd give me an extra free pass to make up for my wasted time and gas money!! Like they're doing me a big-ass favor by giving me a free ticket because they don't bother to perform routine bulb replacement on their crappy projectors?!? Puhleez.

So that my trip to Wenatchee is not a total waste, I decide to drop by Taco Bell on the way out of town for some Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes! But, when I arrive, I can't get any because their deep-fat fryer is broken. This is ridiculous to me, because isn't 95% of their menu deep-fried?!? Why even bother to stay open? So that my trip to Taco Bell isn't a total waste, I get a couple of Gorditas with rice substituted for the dead cow. For once I actually bother to look at the receipt and discover something shocking...

THEY CHARGE FITTY CENT EXTRA FOR MY RICE SUBSTITUTION!!! What a total load of crap! I'm willing to bet that rice is a heck of a lot cheaper than beef... why charge me for it? Vegetarian-hostile bastards.

But movie projectors and tacos pale in comparison to the broken shambles of this country's separation of church and state laws. Not a day goes by that some new attack isn't made against that which gives citizens the right to practice the religion of their choice (or no religion at all). I am growing ever-fearful that the day will come when only Christians will have religious freedom in this country because politicians get elected, then conveniently forget that they are to represent ALL the people they serve, including non-Christians. This was brought to horrifying clarity to me a few days ago when I received yet another email lambasting me for a comment I made where I talk about the unfair practice of religious politics governing marriage here in the USA. I've been wanting to address the issue (again) for a while now, but Jeff has already beaten me to the punch with a well-thought out entry over at Geekable. We may be "One Nation Under God," but we are many peoples, all of whom deserve equal representation regardless of how we believe, worship, or live our lives.

Now that my motorcycle is out, naturally the weather has to go from warm and sunny to cold and overcast. And now it's raining. While that sucks total ass, I must say I'm not surprised. It just seems to be my luck. Interestingly enough, the weather is the least of my problems just now. Something far worse is afoot...

I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder.

Or so an email I just got is telling me. Fortunately, a drug called STRATTERA promises to fix me right up. In other good news, they also have all the drugs I need to cure my other problems... like erectile dysfunction, genital herpes, and overactive bladder (gotta go gotta go gotta go right now!). Even better, I can get these drugs as imports at a fraction of the cost!

And that begs the question... if you did have something like genital herpes, would you really want to trust the medication for it to some unknown person selling drugs over the internet? Bizarre.

Oh well, once I'm hooked up with my drugs, I'll no longer have to worry about Adult ADD, erectile dysfunction, herpes, or an overactive bladder... I guess that means I can finally concentrate on my 4-hour erection and stop infecting the ladies with herpes and peeing my pants. Life is good!

Last night I was called to provide a ride to the Emergency room. This is not the first time. It seems I am a magnet for taking the sick or injured to the ER. And every time I end up amazed at how bizarre it is that people with harsh injuries are piled six deep in a waiting room... a guy with his face busted open and blood everywhere, a lady coughing so hard that I thought for sure she was going to lose a lung, another woman with her leg all swollen and busted, a little girl who can barely breathe... all just sitting there waiting for somebody to tend to them.

When you see such seriously hurt people outside waiting, it makes you wonder just how much worse off the people were who actually got in to see a doctor!

And then the waiting starts.

Once you get there, it's an hour before they take your information. Then you wait. An hour after that they take your vital signs. And then you wait. An hour after that they show you to a room. And then you wait. An hour after that you get tests and x-rays. And then you wait. And finally the doctor comes and fixes you up (or not) and suddenly five hour of you life have passed you by.

But that's not the worst part.

When you drive somebody to the Emergency Room, you then have to wait in a room with nothing but sick people coughing all over you for five hours until it's time to go back. I can only guess that somebody will be driving me to the ER next week with an assortment of contagious ailments. Bleh.

Forever is insomnia a constant sorrow to the afflicted,

        Morpheus I thank thee for mine blissful slumber.

I dwell in thine Kingdom of Dreams with a rare joy,

        til' that inevitable moment my peace is torn asunder.

This time by some drunken moron's call at 2:00am,

        my profanity for his hapless intrusion no wonder.

I beg thee take me into your embrace once more,

        before my urge to kill is overwhelmed by a blunder.

Death awaits the inebriated thanks to Caller ID.

Okay, something's gone wrong and my back is all jacked up. I've taken about every type of painkiller in my medicine cabinet, and nothing seems to work. Any bending at the waist causes breath-sucking pain. Just sitting down is enough to make me want to pass out.

The worst part is that I don't know how I did it.

When I woke up I was fine. But somewhere between eating my toast for breakfast and driving to work something went terribly, terribly wrong.

I'm pretty sure there are some pins in my travel sewing kit, so I think it's time to attempt acupuncture...

Make no mistake about it... I am always about fifteen minutes away from becoming a serial killer. If it weren't for those pesky Buddhist precepts getting in the way, I probably would have starting killing people years ago.

I suppose that I should make a joke right now and tell you I'm kidding, but I'm completely serious. Keep watching the 6:00 News, because one of these days...

The only thing that makes this revelation not quite as horrible as you might think is this: I honestly believe that everybody on this planet is fifteen minutes away from becoming a serial killer. It's just a sad reality of the world we live in today. Those people who cross into the serial killer zone just hit minute sixteen because they couldn't find anything better to do.

So, in the interest of promoting world peace and the harmony of all earth's creatures, here's a few things I do to keep from hitting minute sixteen and killing all the people that bug me...

Blog Your Rage Away. Ranting about your frustrations in a blog entry goes a long ways toward subduing the urge to kill. That's why I'm forever kicking asses and shooting guns here. Well, that's why I am always fantasizing about kicking asses and shooting guns in cartoons here. The truth is that I abhor guns and violence, but drawing funny pictures about it is somehow therapeutic.

Ride Your Rage Away. I don't care how many people I desire to kill throughout the day, they all disappear while riding my motorcycle. Of course, many times the people I most want to kill are bad driver's I encounter while riding, but they're forgotten in well under fifteen minutes. A motorcycle is the ultimate deterrent from wanting to kill but, unfortunately, dumbass soccer moms in their SUVs who talk on their mobile phones while beating their kids, putting on their makeup, and eating a burrito may end up killing you.

C.S.I. Your Rage Away. Watch an episodes of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, and realize that you will never get away with killing somebody. Then realize that you just don't have the chops to handle a manslaughter charge in a "pound-you-up-the-ass federal penitentiary." That aught to cure you of the urge to kill is a real hurry. I know it does me.

Play Your Rage Away. I love crackpot psychologists who claim that violent video games cause violent behavior. Whether that's true or not, I don't really care. The simple fact is that being able to blow stuff up and shoot people in video games allows me to release energy that might otherwise be used to blow stuff up and shoot people in real life. Nothing quite like blasting "Rage Against the Machine" until your eardrums are bleeding while shooting everything in sight in a game of Max Payne to take the killer out of you.

Slap Your Rage Away. If you can't kill 'em, bitch-slap them so hard they'll wish you had killed them. Then run away. Run like the wind you pansy-ass bitch-slapper!

This was not starting out to be a very good day. Which is not surprising considering how my evening went yesterday. It all started as I was driving home for work... a nice drive through town, minding my own business. When all of a sudden I notice some white chick in cornrows flipping me off with an obscene gesture while two of her skanky friends watched. Ordinarily I would just think to myself "whatever" and keep driving, but this time was different. I slam on the brakes, open my window and shouted "WAS THAT JUST A RANDOM ACT OF DEFIANCE, OR DID I DO SOMETHING TO PISS YOU OFF?!?" She was genuinely startled for a second, but quickly regained her composure and shouted back "f#@% OFF A$$HOLE, I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!" To which I shouted back "ALRIGHTY THEN... CARRY ON YA GANGSTA-BITCH WANNABE!!" This caused her friends to crack-up laughing, which threw her into a rage of obscenities.

I ignored her and drove off, but then got to thinking about how sad it is that some small-town cracker white girl can honestly think that randomly flipping people off and shouting obscenities while done-up in cornrows makes her bad-ass cool. If she were to ever encounter a real gangsta-bitch, her pasty white ass would be served to her on a platter. I'd love to fly her down to East L.A. and drop her off on a random street corner and see how many minutes she could survive. Call me a horrible person, but THAT would be a great idea for a reality television series!

Things just went downhill from there. By the time I was ready for bed, I was so freaked out that I ended up taking a sleeping pill so I could manage a few hours sleep. Naturally, this meant I woke up in a drugged-out haze. At least I was in a drugged-out haze until I stubbed my toe on the bookshelf. Then I banged my head in the shower. Then I jammed my elbow putting on my shirt. Then I couldn't find my security key dongle for LightWave. Then I forgot what I had done with my lucky hat. Eventually I made it out the door, but I was not a happy camper.

After getting to the office and checking my email, I notice a message from a friend who is a fellow graphic designer that said "IM ME RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!!" Thinking that it was some kind of joke, I replied "Yeah, I'm me right now too dammit!!" Within seconds of pressing the "send" button, his reply hits my inbox... "IM = Instant Message you dork. Turn on iChat!!" And so I did. Turns out he ran into a tricky design problem and needed some advice on how to handle it. Fortunately, things like this are easy to solve with a little face-to-face video chat, and we managed to figure everything out in a few minutes.

After expressing his gratitude for my assistance, he went on to say "I hope you get your PowerBook back soon... you're looking a little grumpy today."

Hmmm... I do look a little grumpy today in a serial-killer kind of way. But all that changed the minute I looked up the repair status for my PowerBook...

AppleCare is da bomb! Can you believe it? One day turn-around repairs!! This means I just might get her back tomorrow (which is the best birthday present I could ask for!). Of course, from previous experience, I have learned never to count on Airborne/DHL for on-time delivery... but, at the very least, I should have my laptop back in time for the weekend.

Now I can't seem to wipe the smile off of my face. It's going to be a good day after all.

Well gee... nothing quite like waking up to an email in-box full of birthday wishes! Thanks everybody. Though it does make me realize that I don't know when anybody else's birthday is to return the kind favor. With that in mind, I changed the FridayQ at the last minute to a birthday-themed-meme. Now all I need to do is create a special DaveToon birthday card that I can email to everybody on their special day. Hmmmm...

DANG YOU TO HECK KITTY SPANGLES!!! I scream at my computer monitor for the hundredth time. GIMME THE RED JACK... GIVE IT TO ME YOU BITCH!! I yell in a solitaire-playing frenzy. In case you haven't guessed, I am not in the best of moods today. It's probably stemming from the fact that I got -zero- sleep last night. You see, I live in a small orchard community. There are orchards within spitting distance of my apartment. Ordinarily this is no big deal (kind of country-charm nice, in fact) but when we have a late frost descend in the valley, every orchardist runs out and turns on these giant fans to keep the moisture from settling on their fruit (thus spoiling it). So all night long I'm listening to dozens of massive propellers going WHHHRR-RRRR-RRRR WUB-WUB-WUB! WHHHRR-RRRR-RRRR WUB-WUB-WUB! It's enough to drive you insane, and it certainly has me.

At day-break they the sun comes out and they can turn the propellers off, but then the devil-geese show up and start running around the parking lot honking like birds possessed and I decide to give it up and go to work (even though it's a holiday today). The reason I am at work on a paid holiday is so I can restore some very old files that were lost when our highly-paid computer consultants decided to move the file server to another building. Unfortunately the backups are on antiquated media like ZIP disks, JAZ cartridges, and Magneto-Optical discs, so I have no way of reading them until I drag a very old Mac up from the basement and hook it up. Despite being a million years old, it works flawlessly. I can't help but get a pang of nostalgia when MacOS 9 boots up on my tiny 640 by 480 monitor. Just for kicks I see if Blogography will render at all in such an old browser. Sure enough, with a little bit of scrolling, it's perfectly functional. It's nice to know that my decision to crop all photos to 420 by 319 to accommodate small screens has paid off...

So here I sit transferring gigabytes of files from an ancient computer while occupying my dead-time playing Kitty Spangles Solitaire on my laptop and cursing. A lot. For a solitaire game, Kitty is pretty dope. What I like most about it is that you get five minutes of free play time for each game (without having to purchase the program) so you can play a kind of "speed-solitaire" that adds another level of pressure. What I don't like is that Kitty and her cute little cartoon pals continue to look adorable even when things don't go your way...

Another down-side to the game is taking crap from your friends when they call...

Reagent: Hey! What's up?
Me: Not much. Just restoring an old backup and playing a game of Kitty Spangles Solitaire.
Reagent: Kitty... Spangles... Solitaire... ?
Me: Yes, KITTY SPANGLES!!!
Reagent: That is so gay.
Me: Uhhh... you are still gay, aren't you?
Reagent: Yes. But Kitty Solitaire sounds gay, even for me.
Me: I'd think you'd be against sexual-orientation slander seeing that you're a big queer and all.
Reagent: You are avoiding the fact that Kitty Spangles Solitaire is gay...

It's so nice to have friends you can absolutely count on to pitch crap at you. I don't care if Kitty Spangles Solitaire is gay... it's so addictive that I'm seriously considering paying the $20 and registering it. If it were $10, I would absolutely register it, but $20 for solitaire seems steep when you only get Klondike. DANG YOU TO HECK KITTY SPANGLES!!!

Around the blogosphere today, I notice (via Kotke) that the brilliant Jeffrey Veen has written an excellent article about the Flash-based inactive-interactivity that seems to be plaguing the internet. He sums up exactly how I've been feeling for years now, and raises some excellent points. Well worth a read.

Speaking of Flash... I also note that famous personalities I loathe are one-by-one going through public scandals. First Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart, now annoying Extra! television host Pat O'Brien is up to his neck in it. He entered rehab a few days ago, and now the entire blogosphere knows why... he's a creepy cocaine-snorting alcoholic who likes leaving sexually-harassing messages on answering machines. That makes him not only annoying, but a freaky perv as well. Is it too much to hope that this means we've seen the last of him on television? If you really must listen to his disgustingly funny drunken messages, I recommend the cool Flash-based "Pat O'Brien Sexual Harassment Scorecard" - which is absolutely NOT safe for work (or anywhere else, really). Next up on my list: Judge Judy. Please let her get busted for crack possession and sex solicitation! Gross, I know... but Judge Judy as a crack whore would make my day (and sure explain a lot).

Well, back to work so I can get caught up and have the weekend off to go play in Seattle...

You just know that you are totally wasted when you can't figure out how to intentionally misspell a word. All I can say is that it is a good thing for you that I have spell-check because I've already made like a hundred mistakes already that had to be fixed. In fact, I just misspelled "fixed" - hah! TWICE!!

It was snowing pretty bad in the mountains today. The roads were slushy and stuff.

This made the drive to Seattle interesting, and I think that somebody is dead. After three accidents, I started taking pictures of all the accidents and #5 was being zipped up in a body bag. That's too bad. I just don't understand why people ignore big signs that say "TRUCKS MUST USE CHAINS" and "TRACTION TIRES ARE REQUIRED!!!" One lady was in her Camero Corvette (totally inappropriate for driving in heavy snows) with not-good tires and crying because she couldn't get unstucked. I felt bad for her, but what could I do? I can't raise her car six inches, and I can't make her tires all magical be snow tires. So I took her picture instead. Maybe I could have give her a kleenex because she was crying.

After another thirteen accidents in the mountains passes (not kidding) I could drive really fast because I knew that all the state patrols were helping accidents (oooh! I just had to type "accidents" four times before I could get it right!). That was kind of fun driving fast.

When I got to Seattle I was late for bowling so I drove to the bowling alley and it was COSMIC BOWLING!! It was all dark and glow in the dark and Britney spears music playing (which is okay if you are totally drunk like me!). I took pictures of my glowing shoes but I can't find my UBS cable. So I drank Jäger Bombers and Corona (with lime of course). We had big fun drinking and pizza and bowling kick-ass! Even drunk I can bowl 120!!

Anyway I will make pictures tomorrow of accidents and my cool glowing bowling shoes! Now it's time for beer and games. Later, Dave2

NOTE TO SELF: Do not attempt blogging while intoxicated. It just isn't going to work out well for anybody involved.

I remember (kind-of) being really proud of myself for being able to compose such a coherent entry while completely bombed last night. Looking back, I can see that this was a rather large misconception. My first instinct was to delete it, but I decided not to for three reasons: 1) Everybody has probably already seen it by now anyway. 2) I worked really hard on it and think it took me about 45 minutes to get all of that typed out. 3) I think it is one of my best entries at Blogography... I should get drunk more often.

Anyway, here's a slightly better account of Saturday, if you care to read it, in an extended entry after today's movie quote.

Bleh. It felt very much like a Monday today.

Schiavo. Honestly, I am not going to get into this here. I don't know Terri or anybody else involved, don't know what arrangements she made for her life, and don't have an opinion about whether something is right or wrong for somebody I've never met. What I do have an opinion about is that not everything should be a political issue. What I will say is that I do not want that kind of "life" for myself, and it should be MY f#@%ING CHOICE. So here it is, in public record: If my mind... if who I am... is gone, then don't save me. If there's little chance of recovery, let me go. Don't keep me on a respirator. Yank the feeding tube. Seriously, I've lived a full life and done more than most people ever will, so I'm perfectly okay with it. Don't worry about "making a mistake" or fret about "killing me" because it's all good. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live that way. I don't want to be a tool for some ass-wipe politician. I don't want to be a poster child for right-to-lifers. I don't want to be a burden on those I care about. I don't want to be remembered as a vegetable. I just don't want it. And if you care about me at all, then you shouldn't want it for me either.

Laid. Ohhhhh... so that's the problem! My check is in the mail...

Dental. Had my dental check-up this morning. That in itself is nothing special (no cavities!), but getting there sure was. Coming into Wenatchee this morning, some old dumbass in a beat-up Cadillac decided to turn into the wrong lane coming out of Wal-Mart. Usually I find the blissfully ignorant to be funny. But not when they are heading straight for me in a car. After I ran off the road to avoid him, he went on his merry way and heaven only knows what happened. I'm guessing he mowed down a fruit stand and killed a half-dozen people, or perhaps added a drive-thru to a local pharmacy where there wasn't one before.

Star. Mr. Jerz has finally hit the big time as a television star! I look forward to his future works, and am anxiously awaiting his entry on the Internet Movie Database. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Ryan Jerz, ACTOR...

(UPDATE: MrJerz.org is down, and I can't leave a comment... I can only guess that Hollywood casting agents are furiously attempting to book Jerz for a gig! I gotta give the guy props here, he absolutely managed to pull it off. I've seen first-hand what happens when people are tossed in front of a television camera and told to "act" - even in fun - and it rarely goes as well as this. So congratulations Mr. Jerz! Well played! Though I just gotta ask... did you really beat the crap out of the guy who played the thief at the end? Now that's what I call "method acting!").

Parts. Okay. If fingers are ending up in the Wendy's chili. What parts should I expect to be finding in my Wendy's Chocolate Frosty?

Dead. The reason I paid for ShowTime television: so I could watch Dead Like Me. The reason I stopped paying for ShowTime television: because they cancelled Dead Like Me. There's just nothing else on that lame HBO wannabe network worth watching. The second season of this amazing show was even better than the first, and it's coming to DVD on July 19th. It will be bittersweet to watch all those priceless episodes again knowing that there's no more to come after that last one. Crap.

Veronica. Hmmm... since I am about to gush like a 12-year-old schoolgirl, I'd better head on over to MSN Spaces to see how actual 12-year-old shoolgirls gush in their blogs... okay, here we go... omfg! new veronica marz 2nite! hehe. i am like sooooooo psyched! veronica is sooooooo cute and the show is sooooooo awesome!!!! u would luv it. hehe. VERONICA MARS RULEZ DAWGZ!!!!!! woo hoo!!!! hehe. c ya!

Holy crap! Can I just say that last night was one of the best nights of television in recent memory? First we get a great episode of Lost followed by a fantastic episode of Alias (it's about time, because that show has been sucking major chunks of ass recently). But the real kicker of the evening was the final show of the night, a new program called Eyes. I tuned in expecting a boring private-eye drama... and was stunned when it turned out to be an hour packed with humor, mystery, romance, back-stabbing, betrayal, and snappy dialogue, all wrapped around a pretty entertaining story. I was riveted right up until the final minute, when they kicked my ass with an ending so surprising that I ended up rewinding the TiVo to make sure I had seen what I thought I had. If this is the kind of show that Eyes will be dishing out each week, I will absolutely be tuning in for another helping.

Okay, with that out of the way, we continue on to today's episode of Blogography...

...but before we start I feel it is essential that I remind you, dear reader, that I am a genius. Not a self-proclaimed genius, but an actual genius with a Mensa-level IQ of 142. As I've mentioned before, this gives me the grim satisfaction of knowing that when people call me a "smart ass," that it really is true. At least it seems as though my ass is smarter than most people I meet...

Because of being so insanely brilliant, it's always a real eye-opener when I run across something I didn't know. In fact, any time you hear me saying something like "wow, I didn't know that," you can be assured that inside my head a nuclear explosion is going off, shaking me to the very core of my being.

So when I tell you that I was completely unaware that "if you play video games, you get sent to hell," you can imagine how I felt when this bombshell was dropped on me. It was such a shock that I found myself having to stop right there in the middle of K-Mart and reevaluate the universe and my place in it.

Allow me to explain...

Today is the day that "Lego Star Wars: The Video Game" is being released. I want this game bad. Really bad. Since the moment I found out about it, I've been counting the days until it can finally be mine. I mean, it's LEGO FRICKIN' STAR WARS... IN A VIDEO GAME!! How could anybody possibly not want it? Everything is there... the characters, the ships, the locations... but they're all made from Lego...

Anyway, I ditch work a little early and head to Wenatchee so I can get a copy. But everywhere I look they've either never heard of it, or don't have it yet, or only have the PlayStation version. Suck ass! On my way out of town I decide to make one last stop at K-Mart to see if they might have it. I park the car, dash on back to the electronics department, and start to look. All the while, a young boy is standing there looking in wide-eyed wonder at all the cool games available. Eventually he works up the courage to speak to me:

Kid: Do you have a video game?

Me: Yep, I've got an Xbox.

Kid: And you can play games on it?

Me: Uhhh... yes. After I finish my work, I sometimes get to play games on it.

Kid: I want to play the --

At that moment a scorching bitch comes tearing around the corner breathing fire and screaming her head off... "JASON!! THERE YOU ARE!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!? GET AWAY FROM THERE!!! YOU KNOW WE DON'T PLAY VIDEO GAMES!!! VIDEO GAMES ARE FROM THE DEVIL!!!! IF YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!! DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL?!? YOU COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

I just stare at this horrible woman in utter disbelief when she decides to go after me! "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO MY CHILD WITH YOUR VIDEO GAMES! NO RIGHT!!!" I do a kind of "who me?" look, and say "uhhh... hey, I was just standing here looking for a game... I didn't..." -- "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT AT ALL!!

Okay. Here's where the dilemma sets in. I'm already pissed because I just wasted the last hour looking for a video game that nobody has. I am in no mood at all to put up with this crap. But if I unload on her, I just know that it won't be me she takes her frustrations out on... it will be this poor kid. As much as I want to tear into this bitch, I just can't bring myself to do it for the kid's sake.

So please bear with me as I unload. Please indulge me while I say what I would have liked to have said, but couldn't...

"Listen bitch, you can just stop your screaming at me right now or I will come over there and kick the living shit out of you. While I am not a Christian, I've undoubtedly spent more time studying The Bible than your ignorant ass will ever know, so don't you dare presume to preach at me. I don't know what misguided, f#@%ed up interpretation of The Bible you are getting this crap from, but I can say without a doubt that God just loves a good game of Donkey Kong, so you can take you entire "video games are from the devil" bullshit and shove it right up your fat ass."

Thanks, that's much better. Oh how I loathe living in this redneck purgatory.

NEW AND IMPROVED! One last thing. In response to Kazza's lament that she misses out on comments now that she's switched to an RSS reader... I've modified Neil's excellent RSS-2 template to include comments with the entries. It works beautifully for me, but I'm not sure if it's formatted properly (and I don't want to bother Neil for help while he's on vacation). So, if you want to try it out in your RSS reader and let me know how it works for you, here's the URL you should use: https://www.blogography.com/comments.xml. The really cool part is that every time a new comment is left (and approved), the feed is automatically updated. So if your RSS reader can flag changed entries as "unread," you won't miss any new comments! So thank you Kazza for giving me this wonderful idea. Now that I've grown accustomed to it on my blog, I sure wish other blogs would do the same because it sure is convenient! Once Neil's had a look, I'll post the template here if he doesn't want to host it.

Okay, forget everything I just said... I've decided that I want to be the new Pope. In addition to wearing those cool hats and getting to be driven around in the Popemobile, I'm thinking it would be an excellent way to meet women. I mean, hey... the Pope gets AROUND. Besides, I was raised Catholic, so I think I'm like pre-qualified or something.

I wonder if when I get to be Pope I can kick all the tourists out of the Vatican Museum and turn the Sistine Chapel into my bedroom? That would be pretty cool getting to wake up every morning and have the first thing you see be Michelangelo's masterpiece hanging above you.

And, as if it weren't enough that the Pope gets to be the adored leader of millions of people, he also gets to carry around that hefty metal staff so he can kick people's asses when they piss him off. I think I'd use it to become the first POPE NINJA!

I wonder who I need to speak to in order to be put on the official Papal Ballot?

I spent nearly the entire weekend catching up on work, which was a bit of a bummer. What little time I did have away from the office was spent helping out the local museum. When I finished up, I was walking back to my car when some random hippie guy came up to me...

Guy: Hey, how's it hanging... do you know where I can score some weed here?

Me: Errr... no.

Guy: Thanks. Take it easy.

At first I was a bit puzzled because I do not look much like the type of guy who would know where to buy drugs. But when I got home I realized that today I not only looked like a guy who would know where to buy drugs... I looked like the type of guy who would sell drugs. I really should put a little more effort into my weekend grooming habits and attire. Or maybe I should just start selling drugs on Saturdays and Sundays as a hobby. That would probably be easier.

And now that the weekend is nearly over, I've decided to get everything together for my Two Year Blogiversary Kick-Ass Online Celebration! It's only a mere eight days away, and I've still got quite a bit left to do. One minor setback happened this week when two of the prizes promised me suddenly evaporated. This leaves a nasty gap for one day's winners that I'll have to work on. But that can wait until tomorrow.

I need a bag of Double-Stuff Oreos. Sometimes after a rough day of working and not selling drugs there's nothing like Oreos and milk before bed to make everything better.

This morning I was awakened by the sound of rain pouring down outside my window, and a strange sense of déjà vu.

It's going to be one of those days.

This morning I was awakened by the sound of rain pouring down outside my window, and a strange sense of déjà vu.

It's going to be one of those days.

I pride myself on exceeding all expectations with my clients. When you hire me, I go the extra mile... ten miles, even... to make sure you are happy with the decision you made (brilliant though it may be). I put my every effort into churning out work you'll love. I endeavor to come in on (or under) budget. Whatever you need, I'm there for you (well, as long as it's legal... if you want to snort a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass, then you're on your own). I'm the perfect guy for the job, mainly because I work so hard to be perfect.

And isn't that the way it should be?

Well, apparently not.

And so the guy who branded me a liberal and got me all fired up over being labeled yesterday decided to write back. Now I'm being labeled a "hypocrite" because I myself labeled President Bush "an idiot" in that entry. He goes on to tell me that "people like you" who publicly ridicule The President do nothing but "hurt this great country."

I'd argue it makes us stronger, but whatever.

The simple truth is that there are some labels you earn, and I have fewer problems with President Bush than you would probably think I do. Sure many of his policies enrage me. And yes, I am irritated that he is supposed to be serving ALL Americans, but seems to be serving only those who label themselves Heterosexual Christian Conservatives. And of course the lying and backpedaling is annoying. And certainly I have a big problem with his very narrow world-view. But being The President is not the easiest of jobs and, even though I think he is gravely misguided in his thinking on many issues, none of it has pushed me to the point where I would attack him personally.

But there is one thing that I will never, ever forgive him for. One incident that provided me insight into George W. Bush that has made me loathe him with a righteous fury. Just one thing he has done that makes me feel completely justified in labeling him an idiot. Yes, it's just one thing, but it is so horrendously bad and un-Presidential that I seriously believe he has no business whatsoever being in office.

On March 24th of last year (my birthday, ironically enough) Bush attended the Radio & Television Correspondents' Association Dinner. Customarily, as the guest of honor, The President pokes fun at himself to show he is a "regular guy" and can be funny. George W. Bush decided to present a slide-show with humorous pictures of himself while making charming and witty commentary (quite a challenge, because he is hardly the most charming and witty of speakers). And it was all good until he showed a picture of himself looking around the Oval Office and said "those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" He then went on to show himself looking for WMDs under the couch and other silly places while being all "funny" about it.

And meanwhile, American soldiers that he sent to Iraq are dying (along with soldiers from allied nations and untold numbers of Iraqi civilians). He started a war over weapons of mass destruction, and then decided to make jokes about it when they couldn't be found. I guess it's easier than admitting you either lied or made a mistake, but that's small consolation to those who died because of it (to say nothing about their friends and families).

And that makes George W. Bush a f#@%ing idiot, because joking about having started a war and sending people to their deaths would make anybody an idiot.

I don't care that it was probably some speech writer who told him to say it, because Bush controls what comes out of his own mouth and he was the one who decided to actually say it. I don't care that The President is "only human and makes mistakes," because some mistakes are unforgivable to me, and this is certainly one of them. I don't care that The President claims to have the highest regard for our military and never meant to imply anything but respect, because his actions show otherwise. I just don't care.

Maybe he was too stupid to realize that it wasn't funny. Or maybe he was too stupid to understand what he was actually saying. Or maybe he was just too stupid to know that people die when you start a war, and there's nothing humorous about that. In any event, George W. Bush didn't need me to call him an idiot, he managed to do that all by himself. I am simply in agreement.

UPDATE: I just Googled for a link to the above story, and found an even better take on it from somebody who was actually at that dinner. A writer for The Nation named David Corn. Here's the story from his Capitol Games column.

One of the nice things about living in my home town of Cashmere, Washington is that we are a "Tree City USA." This basically means that we have a lot of trees scattered around the city that are very well cared for. It's an expensive part of the city budget, but it sure makes for a nice place to live.

The not-so-nice thing about living in a "Tree City USA" is that maintenance on all these trees is ruthless. Any diseased or damaged trees that would normally be left to rot or survive the best they can in some other city are cut down and replaced without a second thought. This is probably a good thing, but it's kind of sad when it happens to a tree that I've grown accustomed to having around.

For example... just two weeks ago I wrote about the really cool dogwood (I think) that was in bloom. It's a beautiful tree that's been around as long as I can remember. Yesterday morning it was there when I went to work. When I left to go home last night, it had been chopped down! Murdered in broad daylight!!

A tragedy. At least they waited for the flowers to fall out of bloom first. The poor tree had a glorious and beautiful send-off in its final days, and I hope that I am half as lucky when my time comes.

Sometimes it's not just a single tree... but an entire group. Mass tree murder! Back in June of last year I bogged about the "Leaning Trees of Cashmere." A few weeks ago, they were ALL chopped down in the prime of their life!

And it wasn't just those three... but practically every tree on that street. The dogwood (or whatever it was) had a disease, so cutting it down was understandable. But I have no idea what was wrong with all of these trees (except they were a bit crooked). Oh well. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before new trees are planted, but I'll bet that's not a big consolation for the brave trees who lost their lives to make room for them.

In more upbeat news, the iTunes Music Store has Coldplay's beautiful new single Speed of Sound available for purchase. Sadly, it's only a taste that will have to hold over fans until the full album is released on June 7th. I am really looking forward to this one, and am anxious to know if they can manage to top their previous effort: A Rush of Blood to the Head.

The "Blogiversary 2" contests are going quite well, and the response is better than I had expected. The down-side is that my bandwidth (which has been steadily increasing for the past several months) is finally topping out. I guess that means I'm closer than I thought to adding Google advertisements to help pay for my hosting bill each month. It's not something I really want to do, but I don't know that I can afford to avoid it much longer.

Bandwidth. Just exceeded my bandwidth limit (again). All my attempts in finding a reasonable solution to this problem with my hosting company (LunarPages.com) have failed. My regular account costs $7.95 a month and I get 40 gigs of bandwidth. To buy another 40 gigs of bandwidth costs an additional $158 a month ($3.95 per gig). Yes, you read that right: $165.95 EACH MONTH to host a blog (and no, you can't buy two and combine them). My other option is to switch from a $7.95 plan to a $22.95 plan to get the additional bandwidth I need. Double the bandwidth should be double the cost, not triple, but it's not like they're giving me much choice (at least I get a couple of additional SQL databases out of the deal). I haven't felt this screwed since I signed my mobile phone contract. The monkey spankers. Anybody know of a support group for people who have been violated by their web hosting company?

Domestic. As I was driving home this evening, a lawn chair suddenly appeared in the middle of the road. I slammed on the brakes to avoid it, then attempted to come to my senses as the adrenaline rush died down. Trying to figure out what just happened, I look over to see a man and a woman screaming and fighting and throwing things at each other. That was amusing, but not the reason I am writing this. That would be because their two horrified young kids were across the yard watching the entire ordeal. Somebody please tell me what I am supposed to make of this, because I am completely lost on this one.

Eyes. Watched yet another amazing episode of Eyes last night. The show is flawless.

Tool. Ya know, usually nobody is a bigger asshole than me. I'll readily admit to that. But every once in a while you run across somebody who is such a complete and total tool that you have to step back and realize that you are not #1 anymore. Yesterday a "business journalist" named Dana Blankenhorn wrote a stunningly bitchy article slamming Google for not better implementing RSS throughout its services. Even better, he lays the blame 100% on Evan Williams, saying that Ev needs to "move on, and Google needs to bring in someone with a Clue." Talk about "needing a Clue" - Evan Williams already left Google last October (as anybody who reads his blog already knows). Blankenhorn has been a "journalist" for 25 years... yet he can't seem to do even the most basic research before tearing into somebody? Perhaps it's time for HIM to "move on."

Toast. Right now I could go for a nice piece of toast with butter and jam. And also a fifth of Jack Daniels to help me forget the ravaging I just took in excess bandwidth charges.

I often-times wish that I had the power to make people's heads explode. But it's probably a good thing I don't, because there would be a drastic drop in the world population. I just don't think I could contain myself when it comes to simple, everyday situations where people piss me off. I can't quite decide if that makes me weak or just plain evil.

I'm betting on evil, but that could just be wishful thinking.

Anyway, if I DID have such awesome psychic powers, here's a list of people whose heads would be blown up just today (and the night is not yet over!)...

• The neighbor who slams his door so hard that my teeth feel as though they're going to be knocked out of my head.
• The morons at MindFieldOnline who sent me an offer of $10 to take an Acuvue Contact Lens survey, but then stopped me part-way through because my "statistic group" was full (never-mind that I responded to the email just 2-seconds after receiving it and they made no mention of limits in the email... f#@%ers).
• The idiot ahead of me driving 20 in a 35 mph zone.
• The ass-clown who parked his pickup across two parking spots at the grocery store, requiring me to park all the way across the lot.
• The stupid bitch with 80's hair and mega-bangs who sat directly in front of us at the theater, despite there being plenty of other seats available.
• The skanky whore behind us who WOULD NOT SHUT UP during the movie.
• The weenie who slapped the lame "happy ending" onto an otherwise decent movie called "The Interpreter."
• The pathetic dickhead who tried to "race" me from a stoplight when I was heading home from the movie... in a Honda CRX with a hilarious-looking spoiler (over a foot tall!) on the back.
• The dumbass monkey-spanker who just flooded me with trackback spam advertising "hot and horny teens."

I think that it would probably go something like this...

Rather than bitch about ABC's lame attempt at cobbling together a "new" episode of Lost out of old footage tonight... or be all upset that Veronica Mars found out Logan may have provided the drug used to dope and rape her the previous year (NOOOOOooo!)... or lament the fact that I haven't found the time to play Star Wars Lego for Xbox... I think I'll just take a look at what's new around the internet.

Smith on Sith. Uber genius writer/director Kevin Smith has blogged about his screening of the final Star Wars flick... Revenge of the Sith, And really dug it. Some might discount his opinion because he's working on a new Star Wars television show for Lucas, but I've never known Kevin Smith to sugar-coat anything. If the movie was a turd, he'd call it a turd. The fact that he liked it bodes very well for the film and my potential enjoyment of it.

MacroAdobemedia. Over at Daring Fireball, there's a nice take on the Adobe/Macromedia merger that brings the current situation into vivid relief. I am still trying to figure out at what point their bug-ridden, bloated software will implode to the point of unuseability. It seems to be half-way there right now. With Macromedia out of the picture, who will be that next brave soul who picks up the baton and enters the race?

Batmania. It would be hard to do any worse that the absolute Bat-induced crap-fest that Joel Schumacher unleashed upon the world with Batman Forever and Batman & Robin. And from that perspective, the new Batman Begins film looks utterly brilliant. The fact that Katie Holmes is in it is just the icing on the cake. You can watch the new trailer right here.

Katie Cruise? Speaking of Katie Holmes... have you heard that she is dating Tom Cruise?? Oh the humanity!

Nike ID. I keep seeing advertisements for the new "Nike ID" site where you can customize a pair of shoes just for you. Most of the color combinations are kind of lame but, after a while, I came up with a cool black and gray shoe that has a nifty lime-green swoosh that I might actually considering buying. My second choice was a red and blue "Spider-Man" type thing, but I'd never wear them.

Shirt Me! Well, orders have finally calmed down a bit at the Artificial Duck Store, and I'll be placing my order tomorrow morning. Hopefully this means I'll get the shirts and start shipments early next week!

I am in an incredibly bad mood today, mostly initiated by the installation of Adobe's "Creative Suite 2" on my computer yesterday. Sure it's got some glamorous features which might be fun to play with one day but, in the meanwhile, I've got work to do. And I can't work because CS2 has f#@%ed up everything beyond all comprehension. Temp files are being created and tossed everywhere (then not deleted when you quit)... fonts are so badly screwed up in Adobe Illustrator that I've had to go back to the CS1 version... the text rendering engine has been updated AGAIN, causing horribly nasty problems with every file I open. Does anybody test this shit before shipping it out the door? At first I was thrilled that they finally managed to fix the clipboard export bug that's been in Illustrator FOR A f#@%ING DECADE, but now I'd be happy if I could just work.

And now that Adobe has purchased Freehand, it's not like there's an alternative out there. For better or worse, Creative Suite 2 is all we've got. I wonder if the Windows version is this bad?

Things only got worse from there, and I thought for sure that an episode of Veronica Mars would save me. But Veronica sucked ass last night. You finally found out who "raped" her, and it was EXACTLY as I expected. So that was disappointing, but not nearly so much as the stupid yo-yo relationship with Veronica and Logan. It was fun at first, but COME ON! Stop the never-ending make-up/break-up cycle, because it's really lame and tired. And of course Lilly's accidental killer is all too easy to figure out now... the only question left is who else knew she did it? Alas, I am still very much looking forward to the season finale next week. I hold a faint hope that I am wrong about everything so there will be some surprises left.

I finally figured out why my laptop was in meltdown once I reinstalled everything this morning... turns out it was the "Virex" virus-scanning software. Ironically enough, Apple distributes the program for free to all .Mac members. Once Virex is removed, the heat levels are back to normal and the fans don't run all the time. There's 2 hours of my life I'm not getting back, all because Apple didn't test a piece of software they pass out to everybody?

But the icing on the cake of my day was when I got a call from an old girlfriend as I was re-installing my PowerBook. Guess who finally found my blog?

What followed was not a pleasant conversation, and I still have no idea what the f#@% she was going on about. I don't write about other people in my life (or out of my life, as the case may be), so what does she care if I have a blog?

*** SECTION DELETED ***

Well that was quick... just one hour to get an apology. And you are welcome!

The comic book industry has seen better days. Kids are much more interested in video games than actually having to read something. Given that, you would think that comic book creators and publishers would be bending over backwards to keep their ever-dwindling audience happy.

Well, you think wrong.

Over a decade ago, there was a comic book called Hellshock which was a thought-provoking work by Jae Lee that was simply beautiful to look at. I collected the first four-issue series in 1994, and also the second four-issue series in 1997. The problem is that the second series never got past issue 3, leaving everybody to wonder how the book concluded. But since the last chapter was never published, all anybody could do was guess.

Fast-forward to today, and we have the announcement that Jae Lee has finally been "convinced" by the people at Dynamic Forces to finish his masterwork. That's good news, right? Uhhh... no. Because they are not just printing issue #4... oh no... they are printing a friggin' BOOK of the complete series #1-4 that costs $19.95 in paperback (or a whopping $49.99 in hardback, with a $149.00 super edition that also includes a hand-draw sketch). WTF?!?

I'm sure that's fine for people who have never heard of Hellshock before, but what about the people (like me) who have already paid $9 for issues 1-3? Well, I guess we're just f#@%ed. Because if all somebody wants to do is read the final issue (eight years late), they have no other option but to fork over $19.95 for a bunch of shit we've already read in order to get it. Greedy asshats.

So, as much as I'd like to see how the story ends, Jae Lee is not getting another f#@%ing dime of my money. I paid $2.95 each for chapters 1-3... I am not paying $20 for chapter 4. This type of gouging is a disgusting way to treat fans, and a slap in the face for true comic book geeks who supported Jae in his earlier works. It pisses me off that the only way he could be bothered to finish what he started is by waving a big paycheck in front of his nose.

Oh yeah... and, before I forget: while Brandon is on his honeymoon, I will be one of the guest bloggers over at his DOWN WITH PANTS! blog. We don't have a schedule or anything, but my plan is to drop an entry every few days. My first bit will be put up tomorrow (Saturday). I must admit, the idea of writing for somebody else has me pretty nervous... I make a big enough mess on my own blog.

So, if you're interested (and you should be since I've got stories about Maui, cheese, baseball, and MONKEYS to be told! Yes, MONKEYS!!)... be sure to check out DOWN WITH PANTS! over the next two weeks. You'll know there's something new there from me when a "placeholder" entry pops up (as I plan to eventually copy these entries to my blog after a month or two). Have a good weekend everybody.

Subtlety is not one of my strong points.

And, since I don't feel bad about that, I'd guess that "guilt" isn't one of them either. Of course, if you've read this blog long enough, then you already knew that (and I'd apologize but, well, you know...). Sadly, 99.9% of the people on this earth don't read Blogography, and have absolutely no idea what they're getting into when they decide to screw with me (I'd attempt to be more understanding about that but, ahem, you see...).

Anyway, when I was at the grocery store last night to buy some packaging tape, I ran into a friend of mine. As I was leaving, I ran into another old friend, and struck up a conversation with her that was rudely interrupted half-way through:

...

Her: Jeez, how much longer do you think this war is going to go on?

Me: Well, they estimate that the oil reserves in Iraq will last about 40 to 50 years, so I'm guessing it will go on for about 40 to 50 years.

Her: Don't even joke about that.

Me: Huh... I wish I were, and I hope I'm wrong.

Anonymous Bitch: That's just liberal propaganda!

Me: Err... who are you and when did you join this conversation?

Anonymous Bitch: You shouldn't believe everything you hear.

Me: Me? What abou- Oh go watch an episode of FOX News and shut the f#@% up.

...

In my fantasy dream-sequence, the dumbass bitch then breaks out in tears, starts sobbing uncontrollably, and then begs my forgiveness for having the audacity to interrupt me. Sadly, this does not happen, and I have to settle for an impudent "hmph" as she trots her hefty NeoCon ass out of my sight.

Which begs the question... exactly when did common courtesy become passé? When did it become acceptable to interrupt the conversation of a complete stranger? And at what point am I going to be allowed to bitch-slap these idiots without risk of being sued?

It was forecast to be sunny and warm, but it rained all weekend, and continues to rain today. This pretty much sucks, because it looks like I won't be taking my motorcycle out before I have to leave next week. When are meteorologists just going to admit that they haven't a clue as to what the weather is going to be like, and they're just pulling a big ol' guess out of their asses? I wish I would have had the sense to become a TV weather man. It's one of the few jobs out there where you can be wrong all the time and not get fired.

But there is some good news to all this rain... Oscar is loving the weather. Last year I kept him inside all winter, and he didn't grow at all. A friend told me that trees need the cold weather so they can go dormant, and so I left Oscar out all winter this year. Just look at the little bugger now...

My little boy is growing up! To see what he looked like a year ago, click here.

Actually, he's growing too fast. There's so much new growth now that he's fairly top-heavy. I'm hoping he thickens out at the bottom so he can support himself... otherwise he's going to fall over and become a shrub or something. Oh well... I suppose I'll still love him anyway.

It's not all good news though. I got another piece of hate-mail this morning. This time because of remarks I made about the heinous Ann Coulter. I was told to "grow up" so then I can appreciate that "Ann is a beautiful, brilliant, true American patriot and the voice of the Conservative Majority." This just mystifies me on so many levels. I think of her more as a "skanky*, hateful anti-American bitch, who is at the forefront of dividing us as a Nation and destroying this country."

* And though she is a skank, I'd still do her.**

** If I could keep myself from strangling the bitch.***

*** Or got over my aversion to necrophilia.

As I feared, I got no sleep last night. Nada. Zip. Zero. So as I sit here taking a quick break so I can mainline my fourth "Coke with Lime" so I can stay awake, I'm trying to remember when I switched back from Pepsi to Coke. I'm pretty sure that it's when they unleashed the delicious "Coke with Lime" thing, though now Pepsi has a lime-flavored product as well, so I'm not sure.

I started out as a Coke drinker from way back, but when Apartheid came to the forefront of public consciousness, I switched to Pepsi because Coke was still sponsoring events in Sun City. I'm still a little bitter about that, but "Coke with Lime" is pretty tasty.

Oh yeah... the rest of this entry originally appears as a guest blogger entry over at DOWN WITH PANTS!. It's got Thai hookers and monkeys in it, so there's guaranteed something for everyone!

I am slightly obsessed with monkeys. I find them to be fascinating creatures... one moment they are doing something so brilliant that you believe that they really are our evolutionary cousins... then the next minute they are throwing poop at you. It's kind of a lifestyle to be envious of, if you want to know the truth. I've lost count of the number of times I've wanted to throw my poop at somebody and be able to get away with it.

This is not, however, a toss-the-poop kind of story, so feel free to continue reading.

A while back my brother and I decided to go to Thailand for thrilling adventures involving cheap hookers and great Thai food. But before we left, our father decided to scare the crap out of us with the HIV infection statistics of Thai working girls. This meant that we were suddenly left with a gaping hole in our schedule, and a lot of extra time on our hands that we weren't planning on.

Eventually we decided to take a flight to Southern Thailand so we could see Phuket and the surrounding area. This included the very, very cool Phang Nga (aka "James Bond Island") which was used in "The Man With the Golden Gun." It also included a trip to a hidden Buddhist Temple which was "guarded" by thousands of monkeys. For less than a quarter, you could by bunches of bananas to feed the little guys, which was also very cool, since they would come right up and take the food from you.

And here is where it got interesting, because I noticed that monkeys eat bananas backwards from how I do it... and backwards from how everybody else I've ever seen do it as well. They peel from the tip instead of the stem so that they have a "handle" to hold on to the thing as they eat that last bite...

Simply brilliant! Why in the heck didn't I think of that?

And there you have it... how I learned to eat a banana from a monkey. Priceless knowledge you can use! Hmmm... now a banana is sounding good for some reason. I'll bet it goes great with "Coke with Lime."

As an eternal optimist (brought forth from my Buddhist studies which dictate that all things turn out as they should in the end), I am always looking for the good in any situation. But it's kind of freaking me out how difficult it is to actually be an optimist now-a-days. Most times I have to be content that I can make up something funny around the situation, rather than actually having something good come out of it. Even then, you have to look really hard.

Three recent examples have me trying to find "the funny" in war, in elderly poverty, and in illiteracy...

The Sad: Soldiers in their desert camouflage saying goodbye to their families at the airport so they can head back to Iraq. The Funny?: One soldier, somehow holding it together for his sobbing wife, turns to her and says: "... and no sleeping with my brother while I'm gone!" More tears... and laughter... as she kisses him goodbye.

The Sad: An older gentleman at Dennys ordering not according to what he wants, but according to what he can afford. Even worse, he probably skipped out buying some medication he needed so he could afford to eat in the first place. The Funny?: The guy sure got bang for his buck. When I returned an hour later to pick up a chocolate shake for take-away, he was still there eating his breakfast value meal and reading a book with his free-refill coffees.

The Sad: The woman discussing her new reading club and saying "it's written in ancient English or something, so it takes a lot longer to read than real books." The Funny?: The book in question was The Invisible Man, written in 1897 (you know... back in ancient British times when Stonehenge was being built and the wheel was invented! I think H.G. Wells carved the story on stone tablets did he not?). Oh well, at least she's reading the original novel rather than renting the Chevy Chase movie spoof. That's got to count for something (though I rather enjoyed Memoirs of an Invisible Man myself).

And in my own life...

The Sad: My job is going to run late into the night tonight, turning this into yet another long day (22 hours+) of nothing but work. The Funny?: By getting work out of the way now, I will have time to stop by "Goblin Valley" tomorrow on my way to a few days of much-needed vacation time in Southern Utah. Goblins are funny.

And, lastly, a musical-baton meme I saw at Neil's World that he got from Hicksdesign:

Total volume of music files on my computer: 22.54GB.

The last CD I bought was: Well, I don't buy CDs anymore, but the last album I bought off of the iTunes Music Store was With Teeth by Nine Inch Nails. It's not Pretty Hate Machine and doesn't reach The Downward Spiral brilliance, but is still pretty kick-ass.

Song playing right now: That would be Halo by Depeche Mode off my iPod Shuffle.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me: Like Neil says, these are songs that I've been listening to a lot lately - not necessarily my favorites - as seen in the "Last Played" column of iTunes...

1. Edge of the Ocean by Ivy. I heard it (again) on the most excellent television show Grey's Anatomy and can't get it out of my head. Beautiful, beautiful song.
2. Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. Oh how I love this album. Yet another song from Grey's Anatomy.
3. Everybody's Changing by Keane. So beautiful that I get chills every time it hits on my play list.
4. I Wish I Cared by a-ha. My personal anthem. Off of their Minor Earth, Major Sky album which I cannot seem to stop listening to (for over a year now).
5. Steal My Sunshine by Len. I recently rediscovered this song, and play it a lot. You can't help but feel good when you hear this one.

A good meme... but I wish there was a question about upcoming stuff, like "what new release are you most looking forward to" (which, for me, would be Coldplay's upcoming album) because I am always on the look out for new stuff, and am curious to know what everybody else has on the horizon.

I was planning on writing up a big rant over the bullshit "Real ID" crap that our beloved US government has decided to foist upon us. I was going to go nuts over how things like this are so astoundingly stupid, because techno-ignorant old men and big companies who stand to make millions are the ones actually making the decision. But Tonya asked for opinions over on her blog, so I've decided to just release my notes and save the rant for another day.

I am on vacation, after all...

In order to prevent terrorist acts and live in relative safety, I am willing to lose a small amount of my privacy and freedom... IF THE REAL ID CARD HAD ANY HOPE OF ACTUALLY WORKING! But given the technical proficiency of people today, it's guaranteed to fail. And if anybody thinks that these things won't be cracked and counterfeited, they are living in Fantasyland. History has shown that things like this will only ever benefit "the bad guys" - it happens every time.

So, do I want millions of dollars of my tax dollars to be invested in a project that will almost certainly fail, all while people are starving, homeless, jobless, and without health care? No.

Am I willing to have my personal information available to anybody requiring Real ID to buy a pack of Twinkies, knowing that they could possibly have a device to STEAL my identity off the card and use it unhindered, because people will be disillusioned into thinking "Real ID is infallible?" No.

Do I actually trust that the government will protect the information they collect, and not abuse such information when it suits whatever whim they might sneak into some other bill? No.

Do I think that Real ID is simply a ploy to make people feel safer, doomed to ultimate failure, and yet another step toward big government controlling all aspects of our lives. Call me paranoid, but absolutely yes.

I am more than just a little surprised that more people aren't freaking out over this. Where's the shock? Where's the outrage? Where's the concern? The fact that we are so quiet about what is being done to us is more cause for alarm than the cards themselves.

What happens to a country when its citizens lose interest in questioning the decisions their government makes for them? I don't know, but living in The United States of America gets scarier with each new day.

UPDATE: I received an email asking "what information will they require for the card? The answer is... nobody knows yet. Could be as little as your full name and birth date. Could be more involved, such as your address. Could be even harsher, such as your occupation, political affiliation, sexual orientation, race, religion, medical records, family history, criminal record, and what you had for breakfast. The scary, really scary thing is that they could require just about anything. And while it may start innocent enough, there's no telling where it could lead in the future.

That way, it will be much easier for the government to segregate "undesirables" from "True Americans" in "times of crisis." Think I am overreacting? Read your history books. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! And if you are so deluded as to think "something like that couldn't happen in America" then you are truly in need of a wake-up call... not only has it happened numerous times throughout history (World War II internment? McCarthy hearings?), it's happening right now.

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." -- Maya Angelou.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -- George Santayana.

I've decided to have elective surgery to garner sympathy from total strangers. It seems everywhere I go, people I don't even know are forever droning on about some health crisis I couldn't care less about. Since I don't get sick and have never had so much as a broken bone, I feel that I must be missing out on something.

The question is... what do I want to have done? It has to be something that sounds dangerous and life-threatening, but is actually fairly harmless. At first I was thinking that I'd just go have my appendix ripped out because, well, it's not like you need it or anything. But an appendix sounds pretty lame when somebody decides to hit you with that triple bypass they just had.

Maybe I'll just lie and say I got my brain rotated or something. That should shut people up.

Food: Returning from a week away means there's no food in the house, so it's off to the market I go... only to have my ears immediately assaulted by Michael Bolton screeching one of his suck-ass "songs" across the store's speaker system. And don't ask me which one, because they all sound the same to me. That's because, for lack of actual talent, Bolton SCREAMS the lyrics to his "music" which means all I hear is WAAAAAHHH! As much as I fantasize about shooting stupid people that bug me, I'm glad that I don't pack a gun, because I would have blown my own head off right there in the produce section. As if that wasn't punishment enough, the guy ahead of me in the check-out line had "Pure Country" tattooed on his arm.

Switch: All the internet is abuzz with the rumor that Steve Jobs is switching the Mac platform to Intel chips. I don't really care. It's Microsoft Windows that sucks ass, not the Intel and AMD chips it runs on. If I can get a faster Mac at a cheaper price on Intel-based machine, that's fine. That having been said, I'll believe it when I see it.

Handbook: As I mentioned in my "Book Meme" answers, a book that means a lot to me is Richard Bach's Illusions. Inside this fictional account of a "reluctant messiah," there is reference to the Messiah's Handbook. Whenever you are uncertain about something, you flip randomly through this little book and read a page that is supposed to remind you about an answer that you already know. While I was in Seattle, I stopped by the most excellent Elliott Bay Book Co. to see what the staff is recommending, and was shocked to see that they have actually published this fictional tome! It's packed full of little quotes from Bach's wondrous books. Just like in Illusions, the book is not meant to be read... you're supposed to flip through it when you need guidance. As an example, you might ask yourself "why am I here?" then flip open the book and read: "Here's a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't." It's kind of fun, but I've been doing this for years with any book at hand... whether it be The Bible, Curious George Makes Pancakes, or Frommer's Guide to Boston. The nice thing about using Bach's book is that the passages are written specifically for insight, which makes it kind of a nifty thing to own.

Wacko: The Michael Jackson trial is coming to a close. Will the freak who likes to sleep with little boys in his bed be sent off to a pound-you-in-the-ass federal penitentiary? Probably not. I'm sure he'll just be written off as an eccentric, and walk away with nothing more than a big lawyer bill to show for it. I would be more interested in seeing the parents of these children put on trial for actually allowing a scary-ass pedophile like Jackson near their kids. But what do I know... let's ask the Messiah's Handbook: "Not being known doesn't stop the truth from being true." Yikes. The stuff really works!

Smile. I am addicted to Coke with Lime. This is unusual because I don't even really like soda. But for reasons unknown, I am currently drinking two cans a day. From the Messiah's Handbook: "No one can solve problems for someone whose problem is that they don't want their problems solved."

Driven: While making my way home yesterday, I had to drive through boat-loads of horrendous Seattle traffic because, on top of being rush-hour, there was also a Mariners game going on. Making matter worse was the fact that people are stupid. EVERYBODY knows that you don't enter an intersection if you are not able to get through it... this is so that you don't block said intersection and obstruct traffic. But a stupid woman in her silver Volvo did exactly that, just as the light turned green for me. I gunned my engine and pulled right up to her door, thinking the daft bitch would try to move out of my way, but she took out her mobile phone and made a call instead. It took every bit of restraint I could muster to avoid ripping her car door off, grabbing her mobile phone, and then beating her to death with my bare hands. From the Messiah's Handbook: "Anger is always fear, and fear is always fear of loss. Wow. That sounds like something Yoda would say! Apparently Yoda is a Richard Bach fan as well.

Bleh. I think I'm going to sit in front of the television for the rest of the day and veg out. I don't feel like doing much of anything. What does the Handbook have to say about that? "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours." Ain't that the truth.

While killing time waiting for an eye exam appointment after work, I went to JC Penny's because the socks I like are on sale there. While looking around, I ran across a man and a woman shopping in the menswear section. The guy was clearly not into it (what guy would be?) but the verbal exchange that followed shocked me pretty bad...

GUY: (holding up a shirt) Screw it. I'm just going to get this one.

GAL: (holding up a different shirt) Really? I think this one would look better on you.

GUY: Well nothing looks good on you, you ugly bitch, so why don't you just shut up! I'm getting this f#@%ing shirt.

GAL: Okay. Okay. Sorry.

I will never forget the look on that woman's face after having heard such a heinous remark. It was a look of utter defeat and sadness that will haunt me for a long, long time. One minute she was cheery and helpful, the next she was mentally beaten and distant. The sad thing is that this is probably not the first time she's heard that.

The even sadder thing is that she probably believes it.

I cannot fathom why people put up with such cruelty and abuse. If the bastard had said that to me, he'd end up with the clothes-hanger shoved up his ass, and I wouldn't care about the consequences. I mean, seriously, what keeps this woman from cutting his penis off in the middle of the night and flushing it down the toilet? How does somebody get to the point where they are so damaged that public degradation is deemed acceptable?

Politicians suck ass. Republican... Democrat... whatever... they are so busy trying to screw each other that everyday citizens are the ones who lose out because nothing else gets done.

Sadly, professional politicians wouldn't have it any other way. The bigger the battles, the more money they make. The bigger the distraction, the easier it is to slip in a pay raise. The entire political situation here has come to a head of such gross inefficiency that you have to wonder how in the heck anything happens at all. My home state of Washington is a prime example. We've got a mayor in Spokane who traded jobs for sex (and is accused of molesting young boys as well), yet the city is having a tough time getting him recalled (despite the fact that some of the evidence is undisputed). We've got a Governor's race that was held last November, but has only just now been settled (6 months later) because we can't even count votes. Tax dollars are being wasted at a record pace. Government at all levels is a complete mess.

And where is the outcry? Buried. Buried because Democrats are too busy fighting Republicans and Republicans are too busy fighting Democrats. And so long as we allow it, nothing is going to change.

I'm quite angry about that.

And it's mostly because of health care.

If there is ONE thing that people should be able to agree on, it's that the citizens of this country should be able to have access to health care, right? You would certainly think so. But it doesn't seem to matter who is sitting at the President's desk, the cost of being healthy keeps going up and up and up.

Lucky for me, I am in excellent health... so far. I haven't taken a sick day in years, and so it doesn't matter that my health insurance keeps cutting benefits and the cost for decreasing coverage spirals out of control every year. Hey, I consider myself lucky to even have insurance, when so many people are without. It may cost a lot and not cover much, but if I have a massive heart attack, I am secure in the knowledge that I won't go bankrupt.

And now we have "Health Savings Accounts" where you can put aside money to pay for today's massive insurance deductibles... all tax free. This is a good thing, but it is done horribly wrong. You see, you can only put in money that matches your annual insurance deductible. And even though you can USE the money for medical procedures NOT covered by your health plan, those dollars don't apply to your deductible in the first place, so basically you are f#@%ed both ways. More and more things (like vision care) are no longer covered, no longer apply to your deductible... yet DON'T count towards the money you are allowed in a tax-free account. That is some pretty f#@%ed up shit right there. I keep thinking I might one day give up contact lenses and go for Lasik eye surgery. But it's not covered, and it would take me TWO YEARS to be able to put the money needed in my new HSA and be tax free. Why? Why the f#@% can't I get the whole thing tax-free NOW? Sure I can claim it on my taxes come next year but, after calculating the percentage over my adjusted income, it won't gain me a damn thing. The government is just giving me a big "f#@% you" because I was unfortunate enough to be born with poor eyesight (heck, even if I never get surgery, my eye exams and lenses still have to be paid for!).

What it comes down to is that even those people who have jobs and have insurance are slowly becoming unable to pay for medical expenses. It's either too pricey, not covered, or their deductible is so outrageous that they simply cannot afford it. And, on top of all of that, unless it's a major medical expense that's above a certain percentage of your adjusted income... it's not even tax deductible unless you can some how pull it out of a savings account that barely covers the insurance deductible in the first place!

How much longer are people going to take politicians fighting each other instead of fighting for the people who elected them? Time is running out... if things keep going as they are, pretty soon nobody will be able to afford to be healthy. But I suppose as long as they are just healthy enough to vote, politicians will continue to make empty promises for health care reform that never materialize.

I am so cool.

When I left work this afternoon, I ran into a guy and his young son looking at my motorcycle. This is nothing new. I look out my office window and see people inspecting my ride all the time. It's just unique enough... just cool enough looking... to attract attention. The guy asked me the standard bevy of questions, but it was his kid's query that made my day...

Kid: Can you fly a plane too?
Dave: Ha! No. I can jump out of a plane with a parachute though.
Kid: Wow! You're just like James Bond!

Yes. That's me. Just like James Bond.

Except I smell funny.

But this is not my fault. I switched to GAIN "Cotton Fresh" Touch of Softness laundry detergent, and now I smell like I've been doused in pesticides. I don't smell cotton fresh at all. Looking back, I should have known better. I mean, what exactly does fresh cotton smell like anyway? Oh well. I wonder if since I smell like bug spray if this means I don't have to worry about being attacked by packs of wild cockroaches.

And after a liberating bike ride out in the beautiful sunshine, I'm home to work some more. But within a few minutes, I get a call on iChat...

Reagent: Whatcha doin?
Dave: Watching TV and working.
Reagent: Watcha watchin?
Dave: I dunno... some kind of home improvement show. Two guys are remodeling their house or something. I'm not paying that much attention, it's just background noise.
Reagent: Two guys? Together? Quick, write a letter and boycott the network!
Dave: Hey! Why do you assume they're gay? They might be brothers or cousins or roommates or something!
Reagent: Are they hot?
Dave: WHAT? How in the hell would I know that? They're just guys. Hey... they're Mac users!!
Reagent: Oh yeah... they're gay alright.

And here I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to write about today.

I am very cross this evening. Very cross indeed.

This is probably due to my working 16-18 hours every day for the past two weeks, but it could very well be that I'm just a crotchety bastard who is tired of the never-ending legal stupidity that seems to accumulate day after day. Here's just a sampling from this morning's news...

Flag. Oh crap. Boing Boing is reporting that Hollywood turd-wranglers are trying once again to sneak the "Broadcast Flag" bullshit onto a Senate appropriations bill. This time they're taking no chances and being really sneaky... they're attaching it TOMORROW. This insane attempt to completely control all aspects of how Americans watch television was already swatted down once but, thanks to the totally f#@%ed up way our government works, is back from the dead. Why is it that we have a legal system that allows legislation to be snuck onto bills without any debate? That's pretty chicken-shit if you ask me, and explains how idiotic crap like the "Real ID" act gets passed into law despite public outcry. If this bitch passes, you can kiss TiVo goodbye. I'll then be telling Hollywood to kiss my ass, and turn to sock puppets and masturbation as my sole sources of entertainment. Because if you can't play well with others...

Patent. How to make a million dollars without doing shit... 1) Think up some new obtuse method of doing something simple and draw a picture of it as a computer interface. 2) Take advantage of our antiquated and tech-inhibiting legal system to get a patent. 3) Sit back and wait for some poor bastard to come along and actually create this blindingly obvious product that should have never been given a patent in the first place. 4) DON'T ACT... WAIT!! Wait five or six years for the product to become a phenomena, and then sue. SUE LIKE THE WIND YOU SCAMMER f#@%!! Never mind that you never had any intention of building the shit... you drew a crappy picture, so go get your million dollars!! 5) Be content that you are contributing to a problem that will inhibit future technology from ever being developed, due to fear of dumbass patent-infringing legal action. If you want a text-book case to study, here's one: Apple is being sued over iTunes.

I'm already working on my own patent right now...

Once they start building computerized bread slicers (or automated circumcising machines), I'm rich, baby!!

This case against Apple is complete bullshit. Seriously. Music can be organized using artists, albums, songs, cover art, and genres. THAT'S IT!! FIVE f#@%ING THINGS! How many ways is there to display such limited information so that it makes sense? One? Two or three? FIVE perhaps?!? This is basic, basic, BASIC stuff. ANYBODY designing a player for music is going to come up with pretty much the same thing. And yet some ass-clown was able to get a patent for it. Stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID. Whoever granted the patent for this needs to be kicked in the ass and then bashed in the head with a rock. Even if lame patents are allowed, you should then be required to actually BUILD THE DAMN THING within a certain period of time! Use it or lose it dumbasses.

Misery. And lastly, some crazy bitch is suing Stephen King because she claims her life is the inspiration for his book Misery. Given that the character in question was a psychotic nurse, I'm happy to see that life is indeed imitating art. But the best part is yet to come... this is not the first time that she has sued the famous author. Back in 1991, the same woman accused King of breaking into her house numerous times and stealing manuscripts written by her and her brother. Assumably the manuscripts were the basis for his best-selling books. Never mind that the case was dismissed... this total whack-job is allowed to once again clog up our overcrowded courts with her bullshit. Whatever monkey-spanking lawyer took this case should be flogged in public.

There are more, of course. Stupid lawsuits are filed at a rate of thousands per day. But so long as lawyers are actually allowed to live for propagating such ambulance-chasing crap, nothing is ever going to change. One day society WILL tire of this moronic behavior, and it will be legal (encouraged, even) to shoot lawyers in the head whenever they file a frivolous lawsuit. When that day comes, I am so applying for a job as a file clerk at the local courthouse.

Next to my apartment complex is a small, yet nicely appointed, mobile home park. Housed within the park is an elderly couple who seem to like nothing better than yelling and screaming at each other over the most trivial things. They yell about postage stamps. They yell about the weather. They yell about sandwiches. They yell about dirt for heaven's sake. This morning as I was leaving for work, they were at it again. This time they were yelling about where to place the lawn sprinklers (of all things). And it ain't no "cute little old people fighting" type of thing... it's more of a "one day somebody is going to end up stabbed to death" type of thing. I will try to be surprised on the day the police finally show up.

Much like I was surprised to see the new packaging for the pending DVD release of The Simpsons: The Complete Sixth Season which is coming out on August 16th. Sets 1-5 had a similar look that was actually kind of cool... each season, the television on the front of the box would change slightly to reflect the passage of time (on Season 3, for example, the Simpsons finally got cable television because there's a cable TV box on top). I was actually looking forward to future seasons to see if they would ever upgrade to a plasma flat-screen or something! But, alas, the next release will switch the format to "big plastic heads" for the boxes (starting with Homer)...

Yes it's a cool box, but I hate it when they change the packaging design in mid-series. I want all the boxes for a show to look similar on the shelf (like the boxes for Friends, Buffy, Angel, and South Park). And how are they going to make boxes for Lisa and Maggie, who have round heads... or for Marge, who's hair is five times taller than Homer? And will they label the sides so you can tell what season is what without having to pull them out? These are all going to look like crap on my DVD shelf. Maybe this is my cue to stop collecting the show? I wish you had the option of the old packaging to complete your collection.

But the biggest surprise of the day was finding out I have a stalker.

Well, not really... but a Blogography reader from Olympia did track me down while she was passing though the area today. From her first stop in town, it took her all of ten minutes before she found me. Such is life in a small town where everybody knows your name. This is a bit disconcerting, because it means when the government finally comes to take me away, it won't be much of a challenge for them. Anyway, "hello Tara" and thanks for stopping to say hi.

As mentioned in my FridayQ entry earlier today, I need to build my own theme park. A place where my followers can come to worship me and have big fun as well. A place that's a safe refuge from the craziness of the outside world. A place where people can give thanks for all the little things I do to make the world a better place. A place that's better maintained than Disneyland, more enlightened than DollyWood, and more kick-ass than Universal Studios.

A place that will make me incredibly wealthy...

And here's a map and list of attractions you'll find at Daveland...

1. Ticket Booths & Main Entrance. Your gateway to the Daveiest Place on Earth!
2. Church of Daveology. Before starting your day at the park, here's your chance to take a moment to worship all things Dave! After praising his existence, take an express elevator to the top of Dave Spire for a magical view of Daveland. Don't forget to make a donation! - in Dave Street USA
3. Dave Shopping Village. Here's the place to buy Dave souvenirs and official DaveLand merchandise. - in Dave Street USA
4. Daveism Temple. This stunning temple is a quiet retreat for contemplative study of the Book of Dave. Daveism priests are available to take your donations, and offer advice for conversion of friends and loved ones to the Church of Daveology. - in Dave Street USA
5. DaveBurger. This premiere dining establishment situated in the middle of Dave Lagoon has dozens of DaveBurger vegetarian favorites and the official DaveBurger gift shop. - in Dave Street USA
6. DaveVision Theater. Experience the miraculous life and times of Dave on the amazing five-story DaveVision screen in full 3-D! Shows run every 30 minutes. - in Dave Street USA
7. Lord Dave Apartment. Board a DaveBuggy and take a tour of an amazing recreation of the apartment where Dave first wrote the Book of Daveism and started the Church of Daveology. - in Dave Street USA
8. Daveland Carousel. Grab a gun and board a pony to take a ride on the wildest carousel on earth! Shoot your way to victory by eliminating the non-believers and preserving the Word of Dave. - in Dave Street USA
9. Blogography Center. Stop by the Blogography Center to read Dave's latest postings and relive the Blogography Archives. - in Dave Street USA
10. Dave Taco. Fine vegetarian Mexican restaurant.- in Dave Street USA
11. Dave's Flaming Cheese. Five-star vegetarian Greek restaurant. - in Dave Street USA
12. The TidalDave. Ride the big one at Dave's giant wave pool and beach resort... just like the real thing, including the sand in your ass! - in Dave's WaterWorld
13. H2-cOaster. Ride the rollercoaster that's underwater! Put on your tanks, strap in, and prepare for high-speed thrills through pirahna infested waters. - in Dave's WaterWorld
14. Shark Bait Theater & Restaurant. Enjoy top-name music talent while surrounded by the world's largest shark tank. But you better turn off your mobile phones and shut up during the show, or you could become shark lunch! If you're hungry, visit the restaurant & bar upstairs. - in Dave's WaterWorld
15. Dave's River Adventure. Do you dare explore the dark backwaters of Daveland's Water Country? Grab a rifle, some dynamite, and rocket launchers and find out! - in Dave's WaterWorld
16. Splashabout Laser Killers. 1001 jets of water pulse through a laser tag arena for wet thrills and possible temporary blindness! - in Dave's WaterWorld
17. Dave's Swamp Skippers. Feeling lucky? Board an authentic Louisianna fan boat and rip through mined waters to reach the mystical Lost Temple of Dave! - in Dave's WaterWorld
18. Dave's Deathboat 3000. Take a trip on the Dave River with a fully-armed speed boat, and have wet-n-wild fun trying to blow up other Deathboaters! - in Dave's WaterWorld
19. Fredo Dave's Jungle Pasta House. Delicious vegetarian Italian foods served in a jungle hut. Watch out for the gators! - in DaventureLand
20. Dave's Revival House. Sing praise to Dave in this old-fashioned, lakeside revival theater! Shows begin every hour on the half-hour. - in DaventureLand
21. Dave Island Destroyers. Board a jungle jeep for a rollicking adventure across Dave Island, then confront the non-believers and destroy the Anti-Dave. - in DaventureLand
22. Daventure Coaster. Blast through this jungle-themed roller coaster and see how many poachers you can shoot along the way! - in DaventureLand
23. Daveology Jungle Trek. Become a Davology missionary, bringing the Word of Davism to the non-believers with love and automatic weapons! - in DaventureLand
24. Davism Battle Bots. Let Davism be your shield as you enter the deadly Battle Bot Death Arena! - in DaventureLand
25. Dave Plaza Fountain. Touch the Dave-blessed waters at the hub of Daveland! - at Dave Plaza
26. Skyline to Dave's FutureWorld. Take a leisurely-paced SkyCar across DaveStudios into Dave's FutureWorld! - at Dave Plaza
27. DaveToon Animation Place. Bring the kids to the place where all of the Church of Daveology cartoons are made! You can never start converting your children too early, and DaveToons make a fun and easy way to teach Daveism at every age. Fun for adults too! - in DaveStudios
28. DaveToon Praise Palace. Here you can watch all the latest animated features from the Church of Daveology. After enjoying the show, visit the Way of Dave workshop to see how Daveism can be applied to daily living. - in DaveStudios
29. DaveRail Museum. All aboard! here you can board the Daveland Train that circles the entire park, and see artifacts from the earliest beginnings of Daveland. Hop on and off the train at stations throughout the park. - in DaveStudios
30. Cinema Dave Six. The Cinema Dave Six has continuous showings of every Elizabeth Hurley movie ever made on six giant screens.- in DaveStudios
31. Cinema Dave 360. Cinema Dave 360 shows "Everybody Loves Dave" - a humorous look at Dave's early efforts to spread his Word and the virtues of Daveism to non-believers - in an immersive 360-degree theater.- in DaveStudios
32. Life of Dave: The Ride. This mind-blowing attraction combines all the latest technological effects in sound and vision to create the ULTIMATE Dave experience. This multimedia extravaganza lets you experience Dave from his earliest days, right up until the Church of Daveology was founded! - in DaveStudios
33. DaveCafe Gift Shop and Snack Bar. Atop "Life of Dave: The Ride" is the most rockin' place in the park... DaveCafe! Enjoy fine dining, rock-n-roll, and a sweeping panoramic view of the entire park in this giant revolving restaurant, complete with concert stage in the round.- in DaveStudios
34. Davebusters 3-D. The popular Davebusters series of Daveology evangelism films come to life in this amazing 3-D adventure! - in DaveStudios
35. Skyline to Dave Plaza. Take a leisurely-paced SkyCar across DaveStudios to Dave Plaza, the hub of Daveland! - in Dave's FutureWorld
36. A Brave New Dave Future. This thought-provoking ride into the future shows how much better off everybody will be once Dave has conquered the world, and Daveism has spread to the farthest reaches of the globe! - in Dave's FutureWorld
37. Dave's FutureSnack. Sample tasty vegetarian foods of the future and delicious DaveSoda! - in Dave's FutureWorld
38. Davism Conquerors. Board a battle buggy and take on the non-believer hoards to further the reach of the Church of Daveology! - in Dave's FutureWorld
39. Daveology Outreach Center. Here you can learn about the future of the Church of Daveology and what you can do to help spread the Word of Dave. - in Dave's FutureWorld
40. Dave-O-Rama. A science fiction adventure to new frontiers shown on the 10-story, 4-dimensional, Dave-O-Rama screen! Shows run every hour. - in Dave's FutureWorld
41. Daveism Now! SuperCoaster. This high-speed roller coaster of the future has you racing through holy passages from the Book of Dave brought to life! Not appropriate for young children or expectant mothers. - in Dave's FutureWorld
42. Pizza Dave's Bistro. If you're getting hungry from exploring the future, stop by Pizza Dave's for the best pizza around! - in Dave's FutureWorld
43. Dave's Ring-tone Busters. In the future, all those stupidly annoying ring-tones will be banned but, in the meanwhile, you can take aim at non-believer offenders and blow them away! - in Dave's FutureWorld
44. Passageway to The Dave Resort. Exclusive entrance for The Dave Resort guests to DaveLand.- in Dave's FutureWorld

And there you have it. Plenty of fun and educational activities to keep you occupied for days! It can all be yours once I've built "Daveland" the "Daveiest Place on Earth!"

Apparently, Daveland disappointed a few people because of some things that were missing. But Daveland is only a small part of a much bigger plan... you see, right next door to the theme park is The Dave Resort. A magnificent place where Dave's legion of worshipers can go to relax and have fun in a Church of Daveology-friendly environment.

Here's a map and list of attractions you'll find at The Dave Resort...

1. Train to DaveLand. An exclusive stop on the DaveLand railway for guests of the resort.
2. Daveology House. A mammoth estate house for research and study of the Book of Daveism. Complete with 120 guest rooms for visiting apostles, and a television-studio theater where Dave can preach The Word of Daveism around the globe.
3. The Grand Davenian Hotel and Marina. 600 room hotel with easy access to the marina. A popular hotel for guests of Dave Cruise Lines.
4. The Marina. Berths for up to 50 water-craft. Rentals available.
5. Dave Cruise Lines. Home of the Elizabeth Hurley I, Elizabeth Hurley II, and Elizabeth Hurley III luxury liners. Sail the seas in style, with Dave Cruise Lines!
6. Davism Outreach Center. Visitors new to the Church of Daveology can attend seminars and lectures by top Daveism theologians daily from 9am to 9pm.
7. Daveological Center for Global Domination. Here are the offices of the hard-working men and women who battle daily to extend the reach of Dave's Word and the Daveism faith. Fascinating historical tours and gift shop open daily (hours vary by season).
8. Davetown. A charming shopping village with all the latest shops, including an Apple Store and Barnes and Noble (which has all of Dave's books in stock... guaranteed!). As always, Church of Daveology members get a generous 50% discount when presenting their DaveLocator implant.
9. DaveLinks Luxury Hotel. Located right off the DaveLinks Golf Course, this stunning 800 room hotel has a built-in mini-mall for shopping and dining at its finest!
10. The Daverium. Concert venue and laser light show theater for the best in music and live theater! Underground motorcycle parking is complimentary.
11. The Daveria Hotel and Casino. A luxurious 1400 room all-suite hotel complete with full-gaming casino and Daveology chapel.
12. The Davearia. Six-story shopping mall with all the high-class stores you know and love. As always, Church of Daveology shoppers receive a 50% discount!
13. Davetica Oceanic Studies Center and Hotel. This off-shore research facility also has a 300-room underwater luxury hotel with stunning views of the crystal-clear waters of Dave Bay.
14. Salvi's Bistro, Dave's Pizza, and Alfredo alla Dave. A trio of restaurants featuring the best Italian food from around the world, with all recipes translated into vegetarian classics!
15. Church of Daveology Business Offices. Administration for Dave's world-wide conglomerate of worship centers.
16. DaveLinks Golf. Two world-class golf courses in one fabulous location!
17. DaveLinks Club House & Hotel. This 400 room hotel also features a fully-stocked golf pro shop, a bowling alley, video arcade, and movie theater.
18. Dave Arena. This state-of-the-art sports arena can be configured for any major world sport in mere hours. Also used by Dave as a place to preach the Book of Daveism to thousands of loyal followers at a time.
19. DavePlex 10. A ten-screen movie theater with a wide assortment of Elizabeth Hurley classics and all the latest films from around the globe!
20. Hard Rock Cafe at The Dave Resort. The local installation of this world-wide chain of restaurants features hundreds of pieces of rock-n-roll memorabilia, a full stage, and the best milkshake in the entire resort! Reservations recommended.
21. Hard Rock Hotel and Casino at The Dave Resort. Complete with a full gaming casino, "The Joint" live music venue, and "King's Spa"; this 1200 room dual-tower luxury hotel is themed with rock-n-roll memorabilia, and has "The Vault," where priceless rock artifacts can be viewed daily from 9am to 9pm.
22. The Dave Needle and Revolving Restaurant. Enjoy a sweeping panorama of the entire resort from atop The Dave Needle, then dine in style at our revolving restaurant where every table has a view!
23. Dave Village. Charming shops and restaurants with a European flair. Church of Daveology members should remember to ask for their 50% discount!
24. The Royal Davenia Apartments. Here is where all employees of The Dave Resort live in luxurious splendor! Features a private shopping complex, theater, and restaurants exclusively for use by resort staff.
25. The Dave Resort Gateway and Detention Center. Here is the checkpoint for all resort guests. Please note that only motorcycles are allowed entry! If you are traveling via automobile, you must park at the car lot and take the shuttle bus into the resort. Motorcycle rentals are available at all hotels if you would prefer personal transportation outside of the DaveBus resort shuttle system. If a friend or family member has been detained by the Church of Daveology, please check in here at the Dave Global Armed Forced desk.
26. Lord Dave's Manor and Church of Daveology Expansion Center. The personal residence of our beloved leader, Dave. Also serves as the command center for all Church of Daveology missionary work and chief operations offices for Dave Global Armed Forces.

Alrighty then. Another couple of billion dollars added to the total, but what does money matter?

WARNING. Today's Blogography contains subject matter of a disturbing nature. Rather than be upset by what you read and then feel the need to write me another hate mail, why not just save us both the trouble and go f#@% yourself. Thanks!

As I slowly approach the finish line of the project that has been consuming every waking moment of every day for the past two weeks, I have been able to squeeze in a bit of free time to check in on some blogs and make a tiny dent in the hundreds of emails that have been accumulating. It is not a lot of progress, but it does make me feel better knowing that my life is on a track back to "normalcy."

And now that I'm finally going to have some honest-to-goodness free time in my future, I find myself starting to think of what I am going to do with it. The list goes something like this...

• Launch BloggerPeeps.
• Start working on my talk show.
• Catch up on my DVD backlog.
• Finish a rant I started (fire is involved).
• Make some ice cream.
• Wash my piles of dirty clothes.
• Sleep.

But that's a week away. In the meanwhile, I still have loads of work to do and a blog entry to write. This should be easy... I could just weigh in on the two topics that are dominating the blogosphere right now:

• iTunes 4.9, now with podcasting! Whatever. I mean, I am still waiting for the killer content that is going to make me care. Apple has a few promising podcasts in their directory (Al Franken!), but there's nothing going on that is going to make me suddenly fall in love with something that is still 99% crap.
• President Bush's speech. Not to undermine our "war on terror" or the troops laying it on the line to safeguard this Nation... but are you EVER GOING TO f#@%ING ADDRESS the false pretenses which got us into the war in the first place? Here was your opportunity to explain yourself in regards to the "Downing Street Memo" and all the other crap that is starting to surface, but you say N-O-T-H-I-N-G. If you think people are just going to "forget" all the bullshit that got us into this, then you desperately need to get a clue. How can I be encouraged by your words when your track record has me questioning everything that comes out of your mouth?

So if I am not going to write about iTunes or Bush, what's the topic for the day? Find out in an extended entry!

Whooooo! Happy Independence Day!

Today is the day where every red-blooded American gets to be a patriot. Or at least torch off some fireworks and burn the house down. Or whatever. It's also a day when politicians can wrap themselves in the flag and wax poetic about America so they can sucker people into believing that they actually give a crap about something other than money and power.

And what better way to do THAT than to drag out the old flag-burning debate? And that's exactly what the House of Representatives did last month when they endorsed a Constitutional amendment to ban such activities.

It's a perfectly lovely non-issue diversion that works every single time. I mean, why would we possibly want to waste time solving real problems like unemployment and health care when we can discuss idiots who are so stupid that the only way they can get their point across is to burn something.

Yes, I said it... I think anybody who burns a flag is a raging moron.

Partly because they have no respect for people who fought and died for what that flag represents... but mostly because it's just so lame and pathetic. About the only thing more pathetic is a politician trying to make it illegal.

And let me tell you why.

I was once involved with a project that had a very "patriotic" theme to it. As I started work, it was brought to my attention that it is forbidden by the "Flag Code" to use the flag as a symbol on anything except military, police, and firefighter uniforms. It is considered especially heinous to use the flag on "temporary" items which are discarded after use, or any form of advertising. This is considered to be desecration.

I adhered to this ideal for years because I didn't want to offend anybody. But then I started noticing that the flag appears on EVERYTHING from party streamers and T-shirts to campaign signs and posters. That's when I finally just decided to ignore the "Flag Code" and use the flag in situations where I want to sum up America in one iconic symbol. Hey, they do it for the Olympics, and all kinds of other organizations, so why should it be any different for citizens like me? So long as I use the flag respectfully... as a symbol of nationality and pride... I actually think this is a good and patriotic thing to do. Like when Perry and I went on our Hard Rock Run through Europe and I designed badges and pins for the event. I used flags to show nationality, and find nothing wrong with that:

But, with the flag appearing on practically everything, my point about lame flag-burners and the politicians against them is totally proven. Let's take this example:

Yes, it's a pair of flag underwear. But think about it for a moment. Let's imagine that this buff, shaven stud with a small penis was wearing these flag underwear to a dinner party. Then let's imagine that this was a dinner party where some food was under-cooked, and he got sick. Then let's further imagine that he got diarrhea and shit his pants.

Thus shitting on the flag of the United States of America.

Now, I don't know about you... but, in my mind, shitting on the flag is far worse than burning it. So if our STUPID f#@%ING POLITICIAN ASSHOLES decide that they need to distract us from REAL problems by amending the Constitution to make flag-burning illegal... then where is the amendment making SHITTING on the flag illegal?

And, because I'm in a mood, here's another example:

Those are flag napkins. But think about it for a moment. Let's imagine a high-school girl is going to a 4th of July party. Then let's imagine that she decides to drink alcohol for the first time and consumes a fifth of Jack Daniel's (another American institution). Then let's further imagine that she gets alcohol poisoning and pukes all over the buffet table and they clean it up with the napkins.

Thus smearing the flag of the United States of America with puke and tossing it in the garbage.

Now, I don't know about you... but, in my mind, cleaning up vomit with a flag and throwing it in the garbage is far worse than burning it. So if our DUMB-f#@% POLITICIAN IDIOTS want to waste taxpayer money to distract us from REAL problems with a new amendment... then where is the amendment making PUKING on the flag and THROWING IT IN THE GARBAGE illegal?

I could go on and on, of course. My imagination knows no bounds when it comes to stuff like this. But let's wrap this up, shall we?

• FLAG BURNERS: Lighting up a flag in protest is pathetic, lame, and disrespectful. You are doing NOTHING to further your cause. All you are doing is trying to get attention because you know flag burning is going to upset people (and these people are probably far braver and worthy than your sorry ass will ever be). Obviously, you are unintelligent, unimaginative, and most-likely illiterate if the only way you can make your point is to burn something. Furthermore, the fact that people can puke and shit on the flag with no recourse makes your act of defiance just sad and embarrassing.
• FLAG-BURNING BAN POLITICIANS: The flag of the United States of America is an enduring symbol of this Nation. It does not require protection. You can burn it, shit on it, or wipe up puke with it... and this country shall endure. Your pathetic attempt at lying to people about preserving freedom while making laws that would limit this same freedom is a slap in the face to anyone who has ever died while serving under it. Shame on you. Shame on you for crapping all over the memory of these brave people by using the flag as a distraction from the REAL problems facing this Nation. Shame on you for wasting valuable time on flag-waving while your constituents are going sick because they can't afford to visit the doctor or buy medication. Shame on you for speaking out so vocally over a piece of cloth when people are wearing tattered rags because they have no jobs to earn money to buy clothing. Shame on you for wrapping yourself in the flag at a time when brave men and women are dying in service of it far from home. Stop it. Just stop. Stop bringing shame to yourself and the people you serve and DO YOUR f#@%ING JOB!
• MY FELLOW AMERICANS: On this day where we celebrate our independence and freedom, realize this: our country is more than a flag. Things are temporary. Ideals are not. Don't let yourself be suckered into distraction by those who are trying to exploit you over a thing. A new amendment to the Constitution banning flag burning is not going to bring back jobs. It's not going to make health care affordable. It's not going to win the "war on terror". It's not going to do ANYTHING to solve the REAL problems facing us as a Nation. It doesn't matter if you are a Democrat or a Republican. It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor. It doesn't matter what race or religion you are. Because what you really are is an American. And as an American, you have a rare gift to decide who represents you in our government. You have a rare opportunity to demand more from those whom you elect to serve you. So ask yourself this... does it make sense to waste YOUR time and YOUR money to create an amendment that makes flag burning illegal, when people can still shit in their flag underwear and puke on their flag napkins? There are far better things our politicians can be doing to serve us than passing a law that isn't going to help people, but instead limit the freedoms we've paid so dearly for.

Now go eat apple pie, watch a baseball game, light off some fireworks, and shoot guns from the back of your pick-up trucks... and do it quickly before they add a new amendment to the Constitution which makes it illegal. Happy Independence Day.

Show! While waiting for my new audio equipment to arrive, I wasted a couple of hours animating a studio audience for Dave's Bad-Ass Blogography Show. It's not as easy as you might think. I ran out of ideas for different people "looks" after four characters, yet had to come up with a minimum of 36 to get the effect I wanted. I'm still not sure how I am going to assemble "cuts" in Toon Boom Studio, but I am quite pleased I was able to build an entire studio audience in just 90k. I rule.

Stats! It's interesting to note just how few people were surfing my blog over 4th of July weekend. Traffic was cut nearly in half! In some ways, this is kind of nice, because I barely made it through last month's bandwidth allowance (again).

Lego! I just got the latest Lego Shop-at-Home catalog. If anybody wants to buy me a present, I am so wanting the new "Dino Attack" T-1 Typhoon Helecopter vs. T-Rex set! It's unbelievably cool...

Withdrawals! I have been attempting to wean myself from Coke with Lime, which has been keeping me going over the past three weeks of 16-20 hour work days. I'm down to two cans a day, which is a marked improvement from the 6-7 I was consuming daily just last week.

Answers! Science Magazine has listed the "Top 125 Things Facing Science Over the Next Quarter Century" as a cornerstone to the essay entitled "What Don't We Know?" Since I know everything, I've decided to take a dozen of the questions and answer them. Uhhh... well, I'm answering them the best I can given the limitations of human understanding. After all, it's not my fault I'm so much smarter than today's top scientists. The boring answers (with absolutely no scientific basis) are in an extended entry...

Here's yet another "I don't usually post story links here, but this one is just too disturbing" type entries.

Over at Boing Boing, they came up with a scary link about a trend in Photoshopping little girls to make them look more "angelic." This is not a little touch-up here and there, it's more like an entirely new painting of your child, but dressed like a prostitute with big, pouty lips and enormous manga-style eyes that look like they're made of glass.

I think it makes them look like "Dead Hooker Babies" and it scares the crap out of me...

WTF?!? I mean, these people DO realize how many perverted child-molesting freaks are out there... don't they? Why would you invite their attention by doing this to your child? Even more puzzling, what parent would want to turn their kid into a hooker Barbie doll? What am I missing here?

This got me curious as to what I might look like as a Dead Hooker Baby. Probably something like Jared Leto (but without his charisma and acting talent)...

Or maybe Chris Rock (but without his brilliant sense of humor, millions of dollars, or hottie wife)...

Or even Pamela Anderson (but without her, well, you know)...

The mind boggles. And now I'm going to see if I can squeeze in one or two hours of sleep before I have to go back to work. Bleh.

Here I am back in Seattle (again). After taking off on an over-booked Horizon Air flight (again). So that I can travel to the East Coast (again). For work (again).

Since I had to get up at 3:30am (after having gone to bed shortly after midnight), I am in a rather cranky mood. Though it would be hard to lay all the blame on my measly 3 hours sleep, because I've been cranky most days for the past couple of weeks. Also, I want a piece of chocolate cake.

Oh well. Because I'm in a cranky mood, I've decided to break my indifference to the entire Karl Rove situation, mostly because of this statement made by our fearless leader:

No shit?!? Is this starting from TODAY, or is it retroactive? And shouldn't that quote actually be: "If someone is CAUGHT committing a crime, they will no longer work in my administration"?? Seriously, did somebody actually write this up for him, or is he flying solo with this crap? Also, is a politician in public office who lies to the American people committing a crime? Just asking.

And, just out of curiosity, if they ARE caught committing a crime, is the being fired in ADDITION to going to a pound-you-in-the-ass penitentiary, or INSTEAD of? I mean, criminals still do go to jail, don't they? Or aren't they at least supposed to? So shouldn't that quote really be: "If somebody is CAUGHT committing a crime, they will no longer work in my administration AND BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW"?? How can you hold a job in the Bush administration if you're in jail? I suppose you could always be hired as a consultant.

I really try to be a nice guy. I don't always succeed, but I do try.

Which is why when I see two idiot kids picking on another kid because he doesn't have a nice bike and expensive clothes... well, I don't understand it at all. It isn't you, so why do you care? You've GOT the pricey bicycle and sweet threads, so what does it really matter that some other guy isn't as fortunate? Is your life really so pathetic that you feel the need to belittle somebody over what they don't have and can't change? Bizarre. But they are just stupid kids, so what are you gonna do?

Though it kind of makes me wonder if things really change once we've grown up.

Probably not, but the dynamics do. When you're a kid, you rely on your parents for the things you have, so it's really out of your hands. As an adult, it's all you. I can't decide which is the least desirable situation to be in.

Since people probably make fun of what I choose to wear, I think I'd rather go back to being a kid again.

At least way back then, my biggest problem from Microsoft would be DOS instead of the whole Windows fiasco.

Today I was forced to test a document to be sure it would work on a WindowsXP PC. The problem is that my Windows machine died with the last "Critical Update" and I don't feel like blowing two hours of my life doing a complete reinstall. So I borrowed another machine, only to find that it was begging for a round of "Critical Updates" too... which I ignored (not wanting to repeat the demise of my own machine on somebody else's). It was all downhill from there...

At this point, I quite honestly don't know what to do. I am forced to use Windows on occasion, and I accept that... but HOLY CRAP!! HOW DO YOU WINDOWS USERS GET ANYTHING DONE?!?? I am constantly fighting the OS in order to make things work (e.g., on the Mac, the menu bar is always at the top of the screen, so you can never "over-shoot" it... with Windows, there's such a tiny area to hit that menu bar within the window, that I end up working with windows "full-screen" to save my sanity). And that's just the beginning... there are dozens of things so stupidly unintuitive and ridiculous, that I just marvel at the absurdity of it all.

My real problem is that I'm so used to having everything so easy on my Mac, that Windows is very much like torture for anything past surfing the web or checking email. To do actual work requires hopeless periods of lost productivity that I just can't afford. I have to wonder how many man-hours Microsoft is responsible for pissing away on a daily basis... and I'm not even including down-time from corrupted system files, viruses, spyware, and everything else you have to deal with. Sheer insanity

Is it all my fault? Am I using it wrong? Would it help if I were to go buy a Windows for Dummies book? Something tells me the answer is "no," but I figure it's only diplomatic to look for an alternative to making fun of Windows because it's wearing a ripped-out pair of 70's bell-bottom jeans and riding a busted-ass tricycle that was rescued from the dump.

Why did the rat cross the road?

I don't know, and apparently neither did he.

On the way home from work today, I had to slam on the brakes because a rat ran out in front of my car from the opposite side of the road. He got all the way across, took a look around, then turned around and ran right back to where he started. Perhaps he thought that things would be better over on the other side, and finally worked up the courage to run across... then found out that the other side of the street wasn't all he had hoped it would be.

I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere. Hopefully it involves looking both ways before crossing the street, because that rat very nearly became road kill.

Speaking of rats, I am fearing that the guest list may be slightly altered for Dave's Bad-Ass Blogography Show (whenever I get around to working on it again)...

I'll keep you posted.

Elsewhere in the blogosphere, SJ is forever coming up with cool list ideas for "Chronic Listaholic," but her current list idea is so cool that I'm going to steal it:

Ten Phrases I Hope To Say Someday...

1. "Why yes, I'd love to go out with you Elizabeth Hurley!"
2. "Why yes, I'd be happy to make love to you again Elizabeth Hurley!"
3. "Why yes, I'd be thrilled to move in with you Elizabeth Hurley!"
4. "Why yes, I'd be overjoyed to marry you Elizabeth Hurley!"
5. "Why yes, I'd be delighted to let you iron my shirts Elizabeth Hurley!"
6. "No, I hadn't heard that I'd won 500 million dollars in the lottery. So that's my check then?"
7. "Really? BOTH Judge Judy AND Jared Fogel were decapitated by ninjas? You don't say!"
8. "I never thought I'd see world peace in my lifetime, yet here it is."
9. "I am tickled pink to announce that Jeremy Piven and Paula Marshall are reprising their roles for a contracted ten new seasons of Cupid! Oh, and Dead Link Me, Wonderfalls, and Oh Grow Up! are also coming back to television."
10. "I humbly accept the title of 'Overlord of the Universe' as a lifetime appointment."

Hmmm... I had a rant ready for today, but I want a slice of chocolate cake now. Maybe tomorrow.

Make no mistake about it... Adobe is evil and must be destroyed.

Ever since upgrading my "Adobe Creative Suite" to version 2, I've been plagued with problems. And since 99% of the work I do is in CS apps (Photoshop, Illustrator, GoLive, and InDesign) this is a seriously big deal. Most of the problems are just annoyances that hinder my productivity. But a few of the problems are so mind-staggeringly critical, that my work abruptly comes to a halt and there doesn't seem to be any way around it.

Case in point: A typeface that I use every single day is "Helvetica Black." Look at any US food product and where you see the words "NUTRITION FACTS" - that's Helvetica Black. It's everywhere in everything I do. But it no longer works in Adobe Illustrator CS2. The font doesn't load and won't appear. It works perfectly in CS1, but CS2 refuses to acknowledge it. So I go to the Adobe KnowledgeBase and find a document telling me that some fonts won't load if they are too old, and the solution is to purchase a font upgrade.

But there is really no such thing as a font "upgrade" because there is no upgrade discount at all. It simply means that you have to purchase all new fonts. Which is quite a scam when you think about it. How do you get people to buy fonts they already own? Just make the fonts they purchased not work anymore! Genius!

So I go spend hundreds of dollars to buy those same fonts (AGAIN) only to find out that there is a bug in Illustrator that prevents replacing old document fonts with new versions. This pretty much sucks, because it means that I am forced to change each and every occurrence manually... which adds up to hours of extra work.

Since I am on a deadline, I call Adobe Technical Support.

The operator tells me that I need to have a credit card ready to pay for support. When I ask how come I don't get complimentary support for a new product purchase, I'm told that it's up to the support specialist to decide that. When I ask how come I have to pay to get support for a bug in their program, I'm told that it's up to the support specialist. Well, whatever, so I ask to be connected to a support specialist.

Bullshit.

f#@%ING BULLSHIT!!

MY protection? How is this for MY protection? You want to protect me... how about telling me how to fix your f#@%ing program so I can protect MY JOB?!? I've owned every version of Adobe Illustrator ever made. I've purchased every upgrade ever released. I bought my CS2 upgrade DIRECTLY FROM ADOBE... yet they still insist on acting like I've stole their program, and won't help me. I mean, WHAT THE f#@%?? Do they honestly expect for their customers to drag their packaging with them wherever they go? This is the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my life. I mean if they are so f#@%ing paranoid about somebody copying my precious serial number, what is to keep me from scrawling it on the front my PowerBook in permanent marker for the entire world to see?

Companies have got to stop treating their customers like criminals. Because right now, I don't give a f#@% about Adobe. What's the point in spending money for their bug-ridden shit when they won't help you get around THEIR errors? Why should I bother to pay them for something when their first instinct is to believe I stole it? If I am going to be treated like a criminal that's unworthy of their support, then why not just take the next step and actually steal a copy of the program?

Congratulations you stupid Adobe f#@%s, you've just destroyed a 20 year relationship with a loyal customer.

But why should I expect different? They're going to buy Macromedia and have a total monopoly on creative content software. There's nobody else out there, so you'll be forced to buy Adobe whether you want to or not. And if you have no choice in the matter, why should they give a flying f#@% about anything or anybody?

Well that's just fine... but don't expect your customers to feel any different about you. Burn in hell you Adobe ass-wipes.

Target! My favorite chain store is Target. When forced to shop in person (=shudder=), I will always check Target first, because it is the least offensive option available. But their latest round of "back to school" commercials featuring young kids bouncing around to Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back is just wrong. I don't care if they change the lyrics, all I hear is "I like big butts and I can not lie..." while little girls are prancing on the screen. It just feels dirty somehow. Scary, scary stuff.

Arrrgh! Told you I would cave. I managed to win a copy of Sid Meier's Pirates Xbox on eBay for just $30 + $5 shipping. That's $5 more than I wanted to pay, but more tolerable than the $45 I'd have to pay new. I. Can't. Wait.

Rockstar! I loathe American Idol and most other reality-type shows on television... but the new Rock Star: INXS is an exception. Mainly because unlike Idol where everybody sucks ass... the performers on INXS are actually pretty good. Right now, the person who should win is Jordis, who totally killed last night. But reality tells me it will probably be J.D. or Mig. Regardless of who ends up with the job, some of these people have a real shot in the biz.

Charity! I am a soft-touch for lending a hand to local causes. I'm happy to design a logo or make a brochure or draw up a banner if I can spare the time (and the cause is one I support). A while back I designed a logo for a worthy organization and sent it in. Turns out everybody loved it except one woman... who thought it was satanic because I had used a tiger giving the "a-okay" hand-sign in it. She complained that animals in the form of humans are a perversion, and tools of the devil. Yes, you read that right... according to this whack-job, all those characters from Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse to Kermit the Frog and Garfield are from the devil. Still no word on whether robots are from hell as well, but I'll be sure to ask.

Dove! I was given a hand-full of little Dove Chocolates that have interesting phrases printed on the inside of the wrappers. Most of them are just happy thoughts, like "Get your feet massaged!" and "Smile before bed, you'll sleep better!" but others are quite disturbing. When I read wrappers that say "Naughty can feel nice!" and "Do what feels right!"... well, that could be just the thing to push some psycho over the edge. What if "what feels right" is to run over a group of lawyers with a lawnmower? I mean, no big loss really, but still... things like this can't be good for society.

Zero! As I've mentioned many times, I spend my days all coked up on "Coke with Lime." While picking up a couple of bottles at the mini-mart this morning, I was agog over the number of Coke varieties out there... Coke, Diet Coke, Coke C2, Coke with Splenda, Coke Zero, Coke with Lime, Diet Coke with Lime, Diet Coke with Lemon, Cherry Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, and probably a dozen others I've forgotten (Coke with Beef Jerky? Kumquat Coke?). Pepsi has just as many. This is kind of sad, because this flooding of flavors means that niche products like "RC Cola" and "Orange Crush" don't have room on the shelf, and are disappearing from our American way of life. I suppose that's the idea, but there should be a law against this kind of monopolizing of store shelf-space. Because sometimes you just need that Orange Crush, if you know what I mean.

Trash! The nice thing about living in small-town USA is the little white-trash touches that flavor our community. Every morning as I drive to work, I pass by an Espresso stand that's directly across the street from a trailer court. It's not unusual to see people walk across the street to pick up their morning latte before sitting in front of the television all day. What IS unusual is seeing these people walking across to get their latte while still in their pajamas. This morning was classic, because I saw a woman in a bathrobe and slippers... but as she crossed in front of me, the bathrobe blew up and revealed she didn't even bother to put pants on. Even more disturbing, was that she was so focused on not spilling her latte that she didn't bother to cover herself back up. Ordinarily this would be a great way to start my day... but with this woman... eh... not so much.

Ah, there. I feel much better now that I've unloaded my morning. But the day is just starting... heaven only knows what is in store for me the rest of the day.

Oooh! As a long-time roller coaster fan, I've always wanted to play the game "Roller Coaster Tycoon" where you get to design your own roller coasters, and then run them at an amusement park. Unfortunately, it's never been available for the Macintosh. Until now (well, November, actually). From what I understand, you can view your coaster design from every conceivable angle, and see how your customers react to riding it. Make it too bland, and people will be bored and stay away. Make it too vicious, and people will get sick and throw up. Hopefully, you can also make coasters that crash and hurl people off the track, because there's a sadistic side of me that would really get off on something like that. I can't wait.

In other amusing news lighting up the blogosphere, Jacqueline Mackie Paisly Passey is looking for a "travel companion and lover" to accompany her on a world trek, beginning in Costa Rica, for up to a year. I was rather intrigued, because it's not like she's totally unattractive or anything... but then I found out I had to actually bring my own money for the trip, and that kind of killed the idea of getting me a sugar-momma real quick. If I am going to have to pay, I'm afraid it is ME who will be dictating the requirements of my "travel partner with benefits"...

• If you want to go shopping, I am not required to tag along.
• If you want me to like your friends, they have to at least be civil to me.
• You are not allowed to throw stuff at my head for imagined slights.
• No cutting off my penis while I sleep either. That's just wrong!
• If you go all psycho, it is understood I will be ditching your crazy ass.
• If some hot foreign babe should somehow be attracted to me, I get to hit that.
• No political talk in bed.
• I am not buying tampons. Ever.
• Call me sexist, but shaved legs and pits are a must, and NOT with my razor.
• If you don't like how I dress, feel free to buy me clothes, but I get final approval.
• And if anything requires ironing, that's all you, baby.
• I ride a motorcycle. If you bitch about it, I'll be driving it over your harpy ass.
• Anything you take of mine during the break-up I will be taking back... BY WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY!

Hmmm... something tells me I should stop now before I say something that will have my female readership calling for my balls (and not in the good way).

Why why why WHY? Why are people so stupid. Why are things so messed up? Why is the world such a freaky place? WHY?

WHY does Sears bother? I placed an order at Sears, and was told that the item was available for in-store pick-up. This saves me shipping charges, and I was going into Wenatchee tomorrow anyway, so I said fine. Now I receive and email telling me that the item isn't available at the Wenatchee Sears, and my order was cancelled. WTF? This sucks ass. Why bother to offer in-store pick-up if your inventory system is so f#@%ed up that you tell people that stuff in ready at the store when it was never there in the first place? LAME!

WHY don't Americans care? I am so sick and tired of reading about new political atrocities every single day. Why don't people care? Where is the outcry? The latest is that the person in charge of contracting for the US Army Corps (my new hero, Bunnatine Greenhouse) raised questions about why the asswipes at Halliburton continue to get billions in government contracts without competitive bidding... and will probably end up getting fired for her trouble. FIRED?!? Why aren't we giving her a raise and throwing her a f#@%ING parade for DOING HER JOB?!? LAME!

WHY is Alaska Airlines being picked on? The newswire is burning up with the "big news" that Alaska Airlines has the worst record in the industry for on-time flights... this past June, a full HALF of their flights were late. But singling Alaska Air out is ludicrous because ALL AIRLINES SUCK. Alaska is no worse than any other airline out there, it's just that they are not as good at padding their flight schedules. All airlines add extra flight time so, when they are late out of the gate, they can hand you some bullshit about "making up time in the air" which is, of course, CRAP. Helpful hint to Alaska Airlines: add an additional 15 minutes to your flight times, then sit back and watch your "on-time percentages" skyrocket! LAME!

WHY are stupid people so content to remain stupid? After Peter Jennings (one of the few newscasters I actually like) had died, ABC aired a retrospect of his career. While reading blogs last night, I ran across someone bitching that the program was aired over the ending to the stupid-ass "Extreme House Makeover" reality show. Their day was RUINED because they didn't get to see the rest of this piece of television crap. Unf#@%ing believable. At first I dismissed them because they've always been kind of a flake, but then I read it on ANOTHER blog, and gave up. Peter Jennings was the voice of ABC television news for DECADES. Compared to that, who gives a fig about a house makeover? Sure I don't like it when shows I enjoy are interrupted but, COME ON! Decorating a house? Why is it that these people don't want to know what's happening in the world? LAME!

WHY do people keep employing Dennis Miller? At least it's only commercials now. He's not funny... LAME!

WHY is prostitution illegal? People have sex all the time for no reason other than entertainment. If a woman likes sex, and is good at it, why shouldn't she get paid for it? Given the shitty state of today's job market, it seems that a renewable resource like this is too important to overlook. LAME!

WHY does DirecTV's satellite keep going out? Every time it happens, I have to spend 20 minutes re-programming my channels. Why don't they save this information to my DVR so I am saved the aggravation? LAME!

WHY is Jeremy Piven's Cupid not available on DVD? He's up for an Emmy, you'd think whoever the assclown is that's in charge of the video rights would take advantage of it. LAME!

WHY are those...

Argh. I'm tired of asking why. I just get madder with each new question. I wonder why?

When I work at home, I always like to have some background noise going to mask any audible distractions that might be lurking about. Sometimes it's my iPod, but mostly it's television. Tonight I had an episode of Veronica Mars running off my Tivo, and it suddenly occurred to me that I am a huge fan of the actor Enrico Colantoni.

I first remember him on the short-lived television show Hope & Gloria, but it was his role as womanizing photographer Elliot DiMauro on Just Shoot Me where he really started getting attention. I then remember him as an evil priest in Stigmata, the hilarious alien commander Mathesar in Galaxy Quest, a freaky murderer who frames a robotic Jude Law in AI: Artificial Intelligence and, of course, Veronica's dad on Veronica Mars...

I guess it's because of the effortless way that Colantoni seems to meld into the roles he plays that makes me enjoy his work. It would be so easy to overplay the character of Keith Mars, yet he is the model of subtlety, and turns in a performance that is stronger because of it. Hopefully we'll have a few more years of Veronica Mars to see where it takes him.

Then, before I knew it, Rock Star: INXS was on, and Brandon Calhoon was voted off the island. Sadly, it's only prolonging the inevitable for Suzie and Jessica. But oh well, the longer they drag it out, the more we get to see of hottie Brook Burke, so it's all good. I can only hope that we get a repeat performance of last night's metal micro-skirt, though she seems to look sweet in anything she puts on...

Looking back, today was not the best day for me. I was looking forward to a mural I was asked to paint come September. Unfortunately, my work-load is such that taking off a week to do it just isn't possible, so I had to call and cancel out. It would have been cool to blog my progress through the project, so I'm kind of bummed about it.

But the worst part is that it was an opportunity to create physical art again. Since everything I do is on the computer now-a-days, sometimes it's nice to get back to basics and actually paint something real. Maybe I'll have to pull out my watercolors once I'm caught up and see if I remember how to use them.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, however. If everything goes as planned, tomorrow I'll be eating the Best Pizza in the Universe for dinner. Gotta love that.

Very few things can upset me more than a dumbass driver. People who are too stupid to be driving have no business being on the road in the first place... all they do is cause problems for the rest of us. I keep thinking that there aught to be a government study set up to determine just how many traffic accidents are caused by dumbasses. Something tells me that the percentage is quite high and, if dumbasses were banned from driving, it would be much safer out there.

Take for instance this lovely situation, which seems to happen every time I head up Division Street so I can turn onto North Foothills Road...

The right-hand lane becomes a "RIGHT TURN ONLY" lane as you approach North Foothills. There is plenty of warning, as there are signs before you get there. Yet it seems every single time, there is one dumbass who either attempts to zoom ahead and use it as a passing lane... or doesn't bother paying attention. He then ends up blocking the lane as he attempts to merge left. And since most people in that lane are rightfully pissed at the idiot for being so f#@%ing stupid, they don't want to let him in.

So he sits there and sits there and sits there, even after the light turns green.

Meanwhile, I am going thermo-nuclear behind him and thinking "die die die die die die die die die die!!"

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT... BE A MAN AND TAKE THE f#@%ING RIGHT-TURN!! THEN PULL A U-TURN OR GO AROUND THE BLOCK AND GET IN THE PROPER LANE... DUMBASS!!!

But oh no... the monkey-spanker doesn't care that he's making me wait... he doesn't care! The entire world revolves around him, so who cares if somebody has to wait on his stupid ass?

I need rocket launchers in my car like James Bond has. Any chance those might become legal in the near-future? Then these morons might think twice before pulling this crap, knowing full well they might get a missile up their tail-pipe.

Life should be more like video games sometimes.

At what point did people start to lose all respect for their fellow human beings? For the past fifteen years of travel, I have never been so badly bothered by by my neighbors in a hotel that I've had to switch rooms. This year I've had to do it twice, and we're only half-way through.

On Thursday night, the room below me was having a party which kept me up until 2:00am. Then last night, the room next to mine woke me up at 1:00am because the occupants were out on the balcony screaming at the top of their lungs. One night of sleep I can miss. But two in a row when I have a three-hour drive ahead of me just cannot happen. I had to pack up my stuff and go beg to change rooms which, thankfully, they agreed to do.

I just don't get it.

I've gone out drinking and and partying with my friends too many times to count. But you know what? We always save our wild behavior for when we're in an appropriate place... like in a club, or (duh!) at a party. We've never gone back to a hotel room and started screaming our lungs out at 1:00am! It never even occurred to us to do something so horribly bad-mannered.

My how times have changed.

If I am paying $130 a night for a place to sleep, I shouldn't have to put up with this kind of shit. I should be legally allowed to pull out a gun, break down the door, and shoot the idiots in their f#@%ing heads... then have nothing more than a cleaning bill to answer for. Assholes like this who have absolutely no concern for anybody else deserve nothing more. There's just no reason to have them around when all they do is make other people miserable.

And why don't hotels do something about it? Why not have guests sign a "no-noise agreement?" Why not install noise sensors that can automatically detect prolonged excessive audio and then kick their stupid asses out if it goes off? Why not install doors that have hydraulic pulls so that they can't be slammed? I'd gladly pay extra money for hotels that guaranteed a noise-free environment so I could actually do what I go there to do... SLEEP!

As it is now, the moronic public at large is ruining what used to be fun things. You can't go to a hotel without people being noisy and ruining your slumber. You can't go to a movie theater without people being noisy and ruining the show. You can't go to a restaurant without people being noisy and ruining your dinner. Sometimes it's by obnoxious drunken behavior. Sometimes it's because of a mobile phone. Most times it's because people are just stupid.

All I know is that the problem is getting worse with each passing day. Every single day society doesn't care a little bit more. Every single day respect and common decency break down a little bit further. Every single day I come closer to going insane over it all.

We've already got people shooting up cars because the alarm keeps going off in the middle of the night. How long before it's PEOPLE who get shot up for going off in the middle of the night?

Oh... one last thing... am I the only one who wants to put their foot through the television when a commercial comes on where some idiot is crunching on their stupid-ass breakfast cereal? I don't want to listen to that shit in my real life... why in the f#@% do these dumbass advertising people think I want to listen to it while being entertained? I love Grape-Nuts cereal, but every time that annoying commercial comes on with that guy loudly chewing the shit, it makes me never want to buy a box of the crap ever again. Isn't that the exact OPPOSITE of what a television commercial is supposed to do?

Roast: I'm in the middle of watching the Pamela Anderson Roast on Comedy Central. She went bra-less in a sheer black top, which is probably a good thing because her enormous breasts helped to distract people from Courtney Love going crazy beside her. I can never tell if that crazy bitch has had too many drugs or not enough. UPDATE: Courtney has just taken the stage. Since she claims to have been sober for a year now, I'm guessing that the answer is "not enough drugs." Quick, somebody get her a crack pipe before she tears up the joint!

Genital: I'm not a real censorship kind of guy, but should you really be allowed to say the words "genital herpes" on television commercials? Even if I had herpes, this is not something I would want to self-medicate for (though I would like to be able to choose who is applying the medication).

Walken 2008: He's got my vote! It's time for more cowbell in the White House.

Syndicate: After my rant endorsing "web feeds," I received an email telling me that "RSS is a cornerstone of Web 2.0" and people like me are "holding back progress of the new internet." I actually had to Google "Web 2.0" to figure out what in the f#@% he was talking about. I have since decided that he's full of crap, and anybody using the term "Web 2.0" is trying to sell you tickets to an internet marketing seminar. Tool.

Noise: When I wrote my previous post asking how long it would be before people started firing away at noisy people since they were already firing away at noisy car alarms, I didn't know that the answer would be "the next day." 2005's Marine of the Year decided to take care of some noisy people outside his home by firing a shotgun at them. My hero. Give him another medal. Perhaps if this keeps up, drunken dumbasses will think twice before interrupting somebody's sleep.

Goodnight: And speaking of sleep, it's time to take some pills and try to get some.

This is an entry about nothing at all. This is surprising to me, because there's so much going on in my life right now. I don't know if this means I am a really bad writer, or what. All I do know is that I need more hours in the day. There's just never enough time to do all the things I need to do.

Right now I need to play my Pirates game for Xbox. But it's kind of complicated. You have to know how to sail a ship, read maps, fight a duel, and... wait for it... DANCE! Yes, part of being a pirate in this game is dancing with hottie governor's daughters so you can get information out of them. Something tells me that a true pirate would just put a rapier to her neck and threaten it out of her, but whatever.

Why did I buy a game that I knew full-well that I would never have time to play?

Probably because it has pirates in it.

I wish they made a portable Xbox, because then I could play Pirates when I start traveling again next month. Argh... that reminds me, I need to start making travel arrangements as well. I think that I've been putting it off because some of my trips seem to be overlapping. For domestic travel, it kind of works itself out... but for international travel, it's not so simple because you've got time differences that add and subtract entire days to the schedule.

And I just don't have it in my head right now to plan trips that bounce me from Asia to Europe and back again.

What I really need to do is have a couple of shots of Jägermeister and go to bed.

I am a person who likes other people (well, I like other people when they're not being stupid). I particularly enjoy people who have beliefs and ideas that are different than my own, because that's what makes life on this planet so interesting. This is probably why I like to travel so much, because I get exposed to different people which help me to broaden my mind and shape how I see the world around me.

Because of my love of different cultures and ways of thinking, I have a profound respect for beliefs that other people hold sacred. So long as what you believe doesn't disrespect, diminish or infringe on other people or their lives... I have no problem with it. Feel free to believe, worship, and conduct your life as you see fit. Be happy.

This is, after all, is what America is supposed to be all about.

Sadly, this is not what we are actually about... at least not right now.

Since it is considered a Very Bad Thing to teach "creationism" in a school that's supposed to be free from religion... there are whack-jobs intent on being all sneaky about it by re-branding it as "Intelligent Design." So instead of saying "God created us" they want to say "Some higher being created us" - thus posing an alternative to evolution in the classroom. Of course, their INTENT is that this "higher being" is actually "God" and so... tee hee hee... suddenly you can teach creationism, because God is referred to in abstract terms.

But the odd thing about Intelligent Design is that the "some higher being" could selectively be thought of as absolutely anything. Now a new movement has been formed to say that this being is actually The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Followers maintain that The Universe and everything in it was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and all evidence of evolution was put in place by His Noodly Appendage as a test of faith. But the really cool part is that they also believe that global warming, earthquakes, and hurricanes are caused by the decline in the number of pirates since 1800 (and provide evidence to back it up)... so all "Pastafarians" dress as pirates.

But, when it comes to intelligent design, I have another theory entirely. I believe that, since the world obviously revolves around me, that I was the one who created The Universe and everything in it (along with My Divine Monkey). This means you, and everything around you, is just a bad dream that I am having.

Unfortunately this also means that once my nap is over, you will cease to exist. So, in the meanwhile, feel free to run around dressed up as pirates and worship me with gifts and praise. The longer you keep my dream world interesting, the less likely it is that I will feel like waking up and eradicating you from reality.

"Vengeance is mine saith The Dave!"

Now all I have to do is find out who I need to talk to about getting Intelligent Dave Design introduced into school textbooks...

With the very last episode of Six Feet Under still haunting me, I've finally gotten to the point where I can blog about what happened last Wednesday without becoming a giant ball of all-consuming rage. I seem to have mellowed to the point where I am merely "furious" about the ordeal. I mean, once you're dead, who really cares?

Last Wednesday was a very difficult day. My crowded travel plans suddenly became even more crowded, and I felt overwhelmed in trying to schedule back-to-back international trips... particularly when trying to figure out where I would be able to find time to grab fresh clothes and change my underwear.

So after battling the calendar for hours, I was ready to head home and watch a few more episodes of Roswell: The Final Season on DVD and eat a frozen pizza. So there I was driving through town when IT happens.

As I am stopped at a corner, I see a young dog walking along the sidewalk. He happened to notice two guys walking toward him with food, and decides to go say hello... assumably to see if he might be able to get a bite to eat. But as he approaches, one of the guys yells at the poor animal, which causes the pup to stop dead in his tracks. Then the other guy walks right up to the dog and kicks him. Hard.

Now, keep in mind that the dog wasn't attacking him. The dog wasn't even approaching him anymore. This guy was just a complete bastard who thinks that it's big fun to hurt innocent animals. There's simply no other way to interpret his actions. He's a sadistic f#@% that should be locked away or shot.

My temperature went from calm to boiling instantly, and I immediately bailed from my car to go check on the dog as he tried to get away. He wasn't limping, but you could tell that the wind had been knocked out of him, as he was walking kind of clumsily.

WTF?!?

Seriously, WTF?!?

I am dying to know how this could even remotely be considered reason enough to kick a dog. He was "buggin' you?" I will never forget how the dog started to get a little excited when the guy came up to him... then watching him get beat to shit for being so trusting.

I couldn't get ahold of the dog to check him over and be sure there wasn't anything broken... he tore out of there just as soon as he came to his senses, and who could blame him. For all I know, he had his ribs snapped and died from internal injuries a few hours later. I will probably never know, but it certainly looked like a bad kick from where I was sitting... and I can't get the picture of such nonsensical violence out of my head.

Even now, five days later.

What kind of world do we live in where even the thought of something like this is considered to be acceptable behavior? How can we possibly hope for a non-violent future, when idiots are capable of inflicting such harm on an innocent animal? Why does society let this type of thing go on in the first place?

It's a sick, sad world, and sometimes I just want out.

It's nice to know that in the midst of total chaos, there are still brief moments of calm to be savored.

Here is the view out my bedroom window this fine evening...

And I almost missed it because I was concentrating on finding clean clothes for my impending travel this weekend. Fortunately, there was a nice golden-orange glow sneaking through the slats in my window blinds that got me curious. By the time I grabbed my camera, the sunset was starting to fade, and ten minutes later it was gone.

I've decided that I'll be too tired to drive over to Seattle tomorrow, so I'm going to fly instead. Between the cost of gas to drive, along with the parking fees once I get there, it's no more expensive to fly... even at the last minute. The only danger is that my flight will be canceled but, since I don't leave the country until Sunday, I have extra time if I need it.

Other than making this Big Decision, only one other thing happened today.

I got an email from an old friend whom I used to hang out with in my post-college years. He had stumbled across Blogography, decided to read every entry within, and then write to tell me how disappointed he was that there were no stories about the crazy times we used to have. Since I am interpreting this as permission to exploit a friend for entertainment value, here we go. Brian, this one is for you:

I have been in exactly two fights in my entire life. Brian was there both times. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming him or anything.... I'm just saying... when Brian is around, "stuff" tends to happen.

But before I get to the actual story here, there is something you have to understand. I am not a "fight" kind of guy. I'm skinny. I'm weak. I did not grow up in a bad neighborhood. I've never been to prison. I have no formal kung-fu training by an ancient martial arts master that I tracked down to avenge the murder of my parents (which is obvious, because they're both still alive and I'm not Batman). When it comes to fighting, all I know comes from watching movies.

And for those of you who have never been in a fight before, it is nothing like the movies.

Fighting is not some macho exercise where somebody punches you, then you punch them back, then repeat until somebody gets knocked out. Oh no. Unless you are Rocky Balboa, it is very much different... because fighting hurts when you suck at it. When somebody hits you, it hurts. Usually quite badly. And once you've been hit, the last thing you want to do is get hit again. But that's not the worst of it... hitting somebody else hurts. And depending whether or not you strike bone, it can actually hurt worse than getting hit. Yep, no matter how you slice it, getting in a fight is not a pleasant experience. Especially if you are me.

The first time I got in a fight, Brian and I were playing electronic darts at a local bar. We had each had a couple of drinks, and were just starting to enter "The Zone" where you become one with the dart and start to get good game going on. Darts are just like bowling and pool that way... everybody seems to play a little better when they're relaxed and buzzed. Or maybe that's just me. In any event, it was good times. But then some drunk assholes decided to play next to us. They were loud, obnoxious, and really disruptive. It was annoying, but we did our best to ignore them. Until the idiots thought it would be hilarious to start throwing darts at our board. The first couple of times we were like "ha ha ha" and just let it go.

But then they did it a third time.

While Brian was lining up his shot.

Then it wasn't funny anymore. Brian ran up to the board, grabbed the safety dart, then flung it at the drunken moron's chest and told him to "keep the f#@% off our board." This did not go over really big with the moron, nor his two equally moronic friends. Now they weren't only obnoxious, they were outright hostile. Brian decided to just leave rather than mix it up, and simply said "calm down there Skippy" as we walked out.

But that wasn't the end of it. We had no designated driver, and were planning on killing another couple of hours until Brian's brother got off work to come have a beer and pick us up. Now that our plans were foiled, we decided to walk down the street to get something to eat, then wander back after a while (when hopefully the three douches have left). We had gone three blocks when a car pulled up beside us and somebody threw a McDonalds cup full of liquid at Brian (missing him by a mile). Our lovely dart-playing friends had caught up to us! And now two of them were hopping out of the car, while one of them kept repeating "What'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do?"

He got too close to Brian with that, and so Brian shoved his shoulder just to ward the guy off, but that was all the excuse the two needed, and they both made a play for him. I went to pull the "What'cha gonna do?" guy off of Brian, but he swung around and punched the side of my neck. It landed square, and I swear I heard something snap, but it wasn't enough to knock me over, so I shoved the guy away from me as hard as I could. He stumbled back, but then came after me again. This time I decided to get all macho and punch him in the face. Little did I realize that this would hurt me much, much more than it would hurt his drunk ass. Barely phased, he jumped me as I stood there trying to figure out why my hand was suddenly on fire. But, by this time, it was Brian's turn to push him off me (after having already shoved the other guy into the street). All it took was one swift punch to his gut, and the "What'cha gonna do?" guy folded like a wet Kleenex. And just like that, it was over.

We decided to head back to the bar, since the moron triplets had left, and wait it out for Brian's brother to show up. While Brian played darts, I spent the entire time icing up my hand and getting really drunk. Though my hand did get pretty jacked up, I didn't end up breaking anything. It was a painful, yet valuable, lesson.

The second fight was months later in the middle of Winter. Brian was a friend of my then-girlfriend's roommate's boyfriend. Us three guys went to rent a video while the girls went across the street to get junk food. It was getting pretty late, but it was a Friday night, and we had nothing better to do than eat sugar and watch crappy movies. After choosing a couple of cheesy comedies (a sensible compromise between the action movies we wanted to watch, and the chick-flicks they wanted to watch), I left them to rent the videos while I went to catch up to the ladies.

When I got to them, they were standing outside the market talking to some random guy. He was 6" shorter than I was, but had at least 30 pounds on me. At first I thought that the girls knew him, but it ended up that wasn't the case at all... he was trying to chat them up. I thought that if I just stepped in, he'd realize they weren't alone and leave.

I thought wrong.

The guy immediately started verbally bashing me, my family, my genetic heritage, and all my future generations. I don't think he was drunk, but he was crazy. I finally interrupted to say something totally stupid like "yeah... well, we've got to be going now..." only to have him shove me against a concrete column. He was using his forearm to push up on my upper chest, all while saying "step off, faggot! I'm talking!" Since he was shorter, he had to reach up to hold me, leaving his belly fully exposed. His nice, soft, easily punchable belly.

I didn't have much room to pull back, so all I could do was give him a quick jab to his gut. This only made him mad, and he lunged forward with his shoulder, somehow catching my jaw with it. This was not a pleasant experience, but it did leave me in a great position to clasp my hands and punch down on his back. It didn't do much to stop him, and all it got me was thrown down on the cold ground. But, by this time, Brian and Eddie were hauling ass across the parking lot to help out, so it didn't matter. That could have been the end of it, as there was no way this guy could take on all three of us.

But I was too pissed.

While Brian tried to calm the guy down, I nursed my aching jaw and decided to palm the guy in the face. It was kind of a pussy move on my part, seeing as how he was squaring off with Brian, but I didn't care. I shoved square into his nose at a nice 3/4 angle while he was completely unaware. It must have hurt, because he let our a yelp. For all I know, I could have broken it. And now that I had back-up, I got all cool and said "THE NEXT TIME YOU TAKE A SHOT AT ME, YOU'D BETTER USE A GUN OR I'LL F#@%ING KILL YOU!!" Everybody just stood there staring at me for a minute, and then we kind of wandered back to the car.

Later that night while watching videos, we got into a "candy battle" where we were flicking M&Ms at each other because the film was boring. I slapped one into the side of Brian's head, which is when he said "THE NEXT TIME YOU TAKE A SHOT AT ME, YOU'D BETTER USE A GUN OR I'LL F#@%ING KILL YOU!!"

I never, ever lived that one down.

Since yesterday involved a lot of running around, today I thought I'd relax a little bit and just wander around Tsim Sha Tsui and take in a couple of museums. It's a real pity that I don't enjoy shopping, because it seems that's what everybody comes to Hong Kong to do. The lobby of my hotel is packed with people trying to load up all their purchases into boxes and newly-purchased suitcases so they can get it all back home.

But not me... I can't stand shopping, and have no desire to drag a bunch of crap back to the States. With the exception of a few Hard Rock Cafe pins and shirts I've packed away in my small suitcase, I'll be able to tell US Customs to kiss my ass. I am so tired of Customs Agents treating people like crap with their condescending attitude and abusive demeanor. I will never forget my very first trip outside the US when I was returning from Japan and was SCREAMED at by a bitch at Customs because I didn't have a receipt for a few cheap souvenirs I had bought. Never mind that my meager purchases couldn't possibly exceed the allowance, she was a bitch and wanted everybody to know it. In the dozens of times I've been subjected to US Customs, I'm guessing there have been only two times I didn't want to beat the shit out of somebody.

Anyway, the first museum I went to was the Hong Kong Museum of Art, which friends had told me was amazing. I was very much looking forward to my visit, and arrived just as they opened so I would be sure to have time to see everything. At first I was blown away by a very cool exhibit of Chinese brush painting... there were precious scrolls filled with stunning artworks that boggle the mind, and every new work somehow managed to top the previous one. It was art-lover's heaven.

But then I found out that huge chunks of the museum were closed due to changing exhibits and became enraged.

Changing out exhibits is a common event at museums, but usually it's done in stages. This way, only one major exhibit is closed at any given time. But the dumbasses at the Hong Kong Museum of Art had decided to close down most of the second floor, and the entirety of the fourth floor all at the same time... effectively halving the exhibits available. Needless to say, they didn't halve the ticket price.

So this was the highly regarded Hong Kong Museum of Art? To me it was more of a joke. A lame and amateurish production with little consideration for their patrons. Disgusted with the entire ordeal, I bailed after less than an hour so I could see if the Hong Kong Museum of History would fare any better.

Fortunately, it wasn't just "better", it was spectacular. All I knew of Hong Kong history I learned from reading the brilliant James Clavell novels Tai-Pan and Noble House (which were semi-fictionalized). But here was the whole story... from geological formation and Neolithic times... to the Opium Wars, British Colonization, and eventually return to China in 1997. And all of it beautifully explained with captivating displays, dioramas and audio-visual presentation. It is hands-down one of the best museums I've visited, and that's saying a lot. If you enjoy history even a little bit, there's a lot to love about the Hong Kong History Museum.

The period of Japanese occupation during the war is a delicate matter to be sure, but I think they did an admirable job of presenting it well. These were tragic times for Hong Kong, and the horrors of day-to-day life for it's inhabitants not a pleasant subject to dwell on. But it was the most memorable portion of the museum to me because of this image...

These are British (I think) residents of the colony being led off to a prison camp from which some were likely not to survive. It's a sobering image but, when you look closely, you see something remarkable and haunting at the same time...

Two of the guys are smiling. I find myself wondering what was happening at this one moment frozen in time. Perhaps the guy in the vest had said something like "smile for the camera, boys" and the guy in front with the black shirt thought it was funny. There's just something so undeniably "human" about it all that puts life into perspective. Even at your darkest hour, your world and everything you know is just a tiny slice of history. And then you realize it's not your life that matters, but how you live it. How you face adversity. How you find your humanity in inhumane conditions.

The joy and the hurt of it all.

Then I look at the television and see the horrifying images coming out of New Orleans and try very hard to keep all this in mind as I watch people struggle to survive in a city that means so much to me. It's heartbreaking and so very human all at the same time. A moment in history where people are having to face their darkest hour.

And doing the very best they can.

And that's why I get so pissed off when I hear people saying things like "well, they got what they deserved in New Orleans, because everybody knew it was bound to happen eventually." It just seems so petty... so unworthy of historical record that people would choose to address somebody else's tragedy with this kind of attitude. A wasted moment of time.

I mean, should San Francisco be abandoned because of the earthquakes? And what about L.A.? People have been talking about the impending "Big One" for decades. Or what about the tornados in Kansas? Should we evacuate the entire State? Typhoons have decimated Hong Kong more than once, should the area be vacated? Hurricanes also ravage Florida, should the Southern Coast to the Keys just leave? Wildfires plague the area I live in... should I be moving out? What about other dangers that plague our societies... flood, drought, landslides, and all the rest? What could go wrong in YOUR town?

We humans lead a fragile existence. There's always going to be something horrifying we have to face, and it's how we deal with it that defines us. Sure New Orleans has always been in danger of destruction from storm and flood. But you know how they face it? They throw a giant party every year and call it Mardi Gras. They developed a rich and unique culture and welcomed people to their wonderful city so they could share it. It's part of what makes me love the city so much, and the reason I am rooting for New Orleans to rise again.

Tomorrow is my last day in Hong Kong. I think I'll head back across the harbor and see what adventures I can find.

I woke up entirely too early this morning and, since I packed everything up last night, this leaves me with nothing to do for a good two hours yet.

I thought I would write a quick summary of all the things I'll remember from this trip, but I'm pretty sure that anything I take away will easily be overshadowed by the tragedy unfolding for the victims of Hurrican Katrina. As anybody who has read Blogography for any amount of time already knows, I have a deep... almost sacred... love for the city of New Orleans. It hurts quite badly to know what's happening there, and I go to bed each night with my heart aching, then wake up each morning overwhelmed with despair. I am not an emotional person, but entirely too many important memories are tied to this city, and I find myself grief-stricken in a way I don't understand. Especially considering I don't know anybody personally who has been devastated by the flooding.

The only thing saving me is the feeling that it's not actually happening. It's easy to do when you are in a foreign country half a world away where everything is different from what you're accustomed to. In a strange way, it's acting like a buffer between me and what I know to be a very real catastrophe back home. Right now all I can do is make donations to the relief effort and hope against hope that our government gets their shit together and finally provides some help to people who desperately need it.

But then I am reacquainted with the grim facts given by the Mayor of New Orleans, and the despair starts to set in again.

Fortunately, there are also the words of our Fearless Leader to make me feel so much better...

You know, I really sympathize with the fact that President Bush is trying to be encouraging here, but must he whip out these idiotic statements every f#@%ing time? I can forgive a lot, but it was Dubbyah's joking about starting a war that broke the camel's back for me, and it's been a long and painful down-hill slide ever since.

You would think at some point Bush would realize "hey, I always seem to make these embarrassing and inflammatory statements, so why don't I just shut-the-f#@%-up already?" But oh no, right when his slow response to the crisis is being criticized as racially motivated... he's got to try and comfort a Nation by telling us that some wealthy white dude's house is going to be re-built better than ever? Given the thousands of deaths that continue to mount even now, exactly how stupid do you have to be in order to see how this is an incredibly moronic thing to say? I mean, THIS is "good news?" Does he ever think before opening his f#@%ing mouth? Or does he just not care... he knows that people think he's a dumbass, and so he just does his part to live up to low expectations?

I remain utterly dumbfounded. And more than a little bit angry. I could go on about how fascinating it is that the so-called "leader of the free world" doesn't have a decent enough grasp of the English language to understand that "rubble" is already a plural, and "rubbles" is not even a word... but that would just be kicking a goober when he's down.

All we need now is to hire Halliburton for the clean-up, and the circle will be complete.

Ah, and there you have it.

It's going to be a long, sad, plane-ride home (assuming the thunderstorms allow me to leave Hong Kong at all).

Everything sucks today! E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G-!!

I woke up this morning sick to my stomach and wanting to puke my guts out. It only went downhill from there.

I got to work and had to use Microsoft PowerPoint most of the day. MICROSOFT POWERPOINT SUCKS ASS! After using the sublime elegance of Apple Keynote for Macintosh, being forced to use PowerPoint is the equivalent of getting kicked in the balls by a lumberjack in steel-toed boots. All the little niceties that Keynote provides to make work so easy are gone. And, adding insult to injury, PowerPoint creates the ugliest, most horrifying, most boring slideshows imaginable. Hard to work with. Nasty results. Somebody remind me once again why people use Microsoft shit when something so much better is available? Insanity.

During my overindulgent 15-minute lunch hour, I got to fill out forms for an immigration visa application. PAPERWORK SUCKS ASS! Ultimately, I had a hard time figuring out which blows more... the inconvenience of filling out the forms, or the abhorrent photo of myself I had to attach to the application. I don't envy the person at the embassy who has to open the envelope. I envision them pulling out the papers, seeing the photo, and then running screaming from the room. After a Xanax and a bottle of Abolut Vodka, they return to their desk and deny me a visa based of the fact that I am just too heinous to enter the country. Does ANYBODY take good passport photos?

Once I finished up my PowerPoint ordeal, I then spent the next half-hour digging through loads of spam and other crap that had piled up in my email "In Box" during the day. Then I noticed an email from a friend telling me that Depeche Mode American tour dates had been released. This doesn't suck. This is the best news I've had all day. Until I look at the actual dates... only to learn that Depeche Mode lands in Seattle on November 16th. Of course, I'm not here on the 16th. I'm a couple of thousand miles away that day. NOVEMBER 16th SUCKS ASS! WTF? Am I not entitled to ANYTHING going right today? The best band in the universe, who I've been waiting to see on tour for a decade, finally comes to town and I won't be able to go. WAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Once I get home. I check on my blog only to find I have a shit-load of spam comments waiting for me. Turns out that SixApart's much-vaunted "SpamLookup" feature in the new version 3.2 of Movable Type doesn't work very well. In fact, it doesn't work at all, and makes things much more difficult than using good old MT-Blacklist (there's no one-click "mark as junk" anymore... oh no, now you have to navigate a drop-down menu and then click "Save Changes", which is lame). Banning commenters doesn't seem to work (no big surprise, I can't seem to get "trust commenters" to work either). It could be that I'm doing something wrong, but when I click on the "documentation" link to find out, there is no documentation. MOVABLE TYPE SUCKS ASS! Who the f#@% ships a product with essential... nay, F#@&%ING CRITICAL... documentation not available? It's like "here's your blog, good luck with that spam shit, because we've got better things to do than tell you how to deal with it... like adding features to non-paying LiveJournal users or something." This is lame. Manually marking up spam is not fun. Especially when it is so obviously spam in the first place.

You'd think after a day like this, I'd get to go home and relax for a bit. You'd be wrong. By the time I'm done, I'll have spent 6 hours trying to get my scheule for the next two months figured out. MAKING TRAVEL PLANS SUCKS ASS! Trying to coordinate flights from one side of the planet to the other, along with hotels, trains, tickets, and all the other crap that goes along with it is exhausting work. Right now, I have hotels without flights, flights without hotels, and a few days where I don't even know where I'll be, or how I'm getting to where I need to be going. I decided to take a break from the chaos to blog my day, but talking about it is only making me feel worse. If I make it to bed by midnight tonight, I'll consider myself very, very lucky.

Things had better be better tomorrow, or else I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

NEW! Google Blogs. Google has released a search tool exclusively for blogs. I guess that makes it "Bloggle?" I'm not very impressed... at least not yet. The search results often look totally random, even when sorted by date. In addition, problems I have with other search services haven't been fixed with Google. For instance, when I search for my name, my own blog doesn't show up in the results. This is despite the fact that my name appears in the sidebar of every single page here. WTF?

NEW! Bankruptcy. Today both Delta and Northwest filed for bankruptcy (or, to make it sound pretty they are calling it "restructuring"). This is kind of sad, because if our major airlines start crapping out, it's going to be really interesting trying to go anywhere when you have to string together a bunch of uncoordinated hops on small carriers. United Airlines, who has gone through bankruptcy itself in 2002, shows that surviving is possible... but operating conditions are getting progressively difficult. My guess is that fares are finally going to start climbing to levels where people are not going to be able to afford it. This, in turn, will cause airlines to shrink or die. Entire tourism industries to fold. More people to lose jobs. We are trapped in a downward spiral and nobody seems to be trying to find a way out. I'd say this is a job for our government but, well, you know...

NEW! Hero Cards. I've received quite a few emails wanting to know how to make hero cards. Just in case anybody is serious, click here to download a ZIP archive with a blank card in both Adobe Illustrator and GIF format. The GIF blank requires you to add your own text... the Illustrator files have text in place. Have fun.

NEW! Television. I just realized that I'm going to be gone as most of the new television season is starting up. Even worse, my TiVo doesn't have room to record everything I'm wanting to see. Even worse than that, my TiVo appears to be dying and I can't find a dual-tuner replacement. And just when you think you can't get any worse, it's been revealed that TiVo is going to start allowing networks to limit how long you can store their shows and disallow you from transferring them to tapes or DVDs. As if TiVo couldn't suck any worse after having canceled their Mac version of TiVo2Go, now they are actively hostile towards their customers. Hopefully DirecTV will come up with another option soon, so I can drop TiVo and tell the dumbasses to bite me.

NEW! Transporter. I am a huge fan of the first The Transporter film. Jason Statham kicks major ass, and tears through a fight scene better than just about any white guy I've ever seen. And when you get down to it, fight scenes and killer car chases are what an action film is all about. It helped that the script was actually worth a crap, but I suppose I should have expected as much from Luc Besson. Keeping all this in mind, I was freaking out when The Transporter 2 was announced, and Statham and Besson were both back onboard. This time, the action has moved to Miami, and "Frank" is a hired as a fill-in driver for a powerful politician's son. But when the son is kidnapped, the plot grows a bit complicated, and more sinister motives are revealed. Is it as good as the first movie? Not even. There's too many slow moments that attempt some really forced drama, and a few of the stunts go way past the relm of believability. But, as far as action films go, it's still pretty good. If you were a fan of the original, it's worth a look just so long as you keep your expectations in check.

UPDATE: Bwaaaahh ha ha haaaah! Thanks Susie! I have no doubt that a bitch could kick my ass... it's been done too many times before...

UPDATE: Now Patrick has a really cool card up! I think "1EE7 H4X0R" would make for a sweet battle against "Tube Dude" by hacking his nuclear-powered remote control!

I'm growing accustomed to disappointment.

When you do just one thing, you'd think that you'd want to do it right. Take Baskin-Robbins for instance. All they sell is ice cream. And because all they sell is overpriced ice cream, you'd think that it would be the best f#@%ing ice cream money can buy.

But you'd be wrong.

Tonight after dinner I went to Baskin-Robbins for a Chocolate-Almond ice cream cone. When I got one, I noticed that it wasn't really ice cream at all. It was balls-nasty sludge from the bottom of the container... all gross and stringy with a chewy, grainy texture that tasted like ass. Even the almonds were mushy. Why would you serve something like that unless you never, ever wanted somebody to come back again? And it's not like there's something different on the menu I can buy... ALL THEY SERVE IS ICE CREAM!! So, needless to say, I ain't going back any time soon. I can buy a full half-gallon of cheap-ass generic ice cream at Safeway for the same price as a waffle cone that tastes better than this crap.

And then there was my master-plan to dump Verizon for my mobile service so I could have a phone that actually works outside the USA. Since My contract is up in a few days, I decided to go ahead and switch. Cingular has just partnered up with Apple, so I thought I'd give them a try. If nothing else, I am assured that I'll have support for my OS choice.

So I surfed on over to Cingular to price out the plan, phone, and options I would be wanting. It was a bit disappointing, mainly because the only free phones you get are the crappy ones. I then remembered a friend who had gotten a great deal from Amazon, and decided to try there. Thanks to a rebate and some other goodies, signing up through Amazon saves me $420 over the life of my 2-year contract. Hmmm...strange. Well, since you can't deal on a web site, I printed out the price comparison and headed to the local Cingular store to see if they had an offer that would get me closer to what I could get with Amazon. The answer? An immediate "NO!" They don't "deal."

That's kind of bizarre when ALL YOU SELL IS MOBILE PHONES!! Oh well, Amazon here I come. I hope my new phone gets here before I have to leave the country. It would be cool to call home from someplace foreign.

Expensive, but cool.

REALLY expensive, but cool.

Speaking of foreign places, another two or three hours tonight, and I think my travel schedule will finally be complete for the next two months. I'm kind of happy about that... even if I don't have a chocolate-almond ice cream cone to celebrate with.

Today was National POW/MIA Recognition Day, set aside for remembering those whom our country has forgotten. Those Prisoners of War or Missing in Action in service of their country.

Most people misunderstand my reasons for supporting a full accounting of our POW/MIAs. It has nothing to do with supporting war or violent acts... in most instances, I most definitely do not. It has everything to do with supporting those who risk their lives to serve their country. These people were called upon to do something most of us could never do, and they deserve better than to be abandoned far from home. For the sake of these brave souls and the friends, family, and loved-ones they left behind, I cannot ever forget.

It's a shame there has to be war at all... but even worse that those who fight on our behalf have to live with the knowledge that they could be discarded by those they have sworn to serve. We should demand more on their behalf, and never forget those not yet returned home.

"A man is never dead until he is forgotten."

Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day... the most funnest day ever!

First me had t' go get a pirate name (I was dubbed "Legless Harvey Dread").

Then I be playin' a fine pirate game.

And then I be wearin' me finest pirate garb...

...so that I can be watchin' a fine pirate film!

Arrr!

I loathe shopping.

I really, really do. There are few things I enjoy less.

That's why I so rarely do it. I buy most everything online and have it sent to me. On those rare occasions when I do have to venture out, I don't actually "shop" per-se... I just go directly to the store that has what I want, and buy whatever is available. No looking for options. No comparison shopping. No hunting for hot sales. No running around trying something better. If the store doesn't have it, I buy whatever is the most similar.

Here are the stores I shop at...

• Clothing... Eddie Bauer (Nordstrom if I'm in Seattle).
• Shoes... Foot Locker.
• Everything Else... Target.

That's it. I don't go anywhere else. I may not always get exactly what I want (and I'm sure I don't get the best price) but I don't much care. The time saved from actually "shopping" makes it all worthwhile to me. Today (well, yesterday now) I had to make a trip to all three of my stores, plus get a haircut. It took three hours, including the 40 minutes it takes to get to Wenatchee and back, plus the time to run across the river to Target.

I'm telling you this to put things into perspective. I go after what I want, and don't mess around when it comes to getting it.

Except, it would seem, when it comes to getting a mobile phone.

Shopping for a mobile carrier sucks ass because if you make the wrong choice, you are trapped in a 24-month contract. One goof and you pay for it for the next 2 years. And it doesn't help that there is no "right choice." There are plusses and minuses for each option...

• Verizon... PROS: Great local coverage. Exceptional national coverage, even in rural areas. Fairly good customer service. CONS: No international coverage. Suck-ass, crappy, outdated, dumbass phone selection.
• T-Mobile... PROS: Fantastic phone selection. International GSM phones. Good national coverage. Decent customer service. CONS: Poor local coverage. Not-so-great rural coverage.
• Cingular... PROS: Great phone selection. International GSM phones. Great national coverage. CONS: Not-so-great local or rural coverage. Crap customer service.
• Sprint... Won't work for my needs.

After spending hours pouring over plans and phones and costs and all the rest, I eventually settled on Cingular. Mostly because they had the next-best coverage after Verizon, and would allow me an international phone so I can call or be called everywhere. Unfortunately, that didn't work out, and the customer service was too frustrating to make me want to stick around.

And that's when something miraculous happened. I was bitching to Verizon about a problem with my phone and brought up how frustrating it is that they don't use GSM phones for international use, and how I was planning on dumping out of my contract because of it. The very nice lady on the other end of the line then goes on to tell me that they now offer "Global Phones" which are combination CDMA/GSM and can be used anywhere. I'll get great coverage locally, as always, and also be able to roam globally via GSM... all with the same phone number!

Sweet!

It was a very expensive $550 phone (and doesn't have BlueTooth) but, as incentive not to leave, Verizon made me a nice offer. It was still more than I wanted to pay... but, just like when I "go shopping," the effort saved was worth the additional cost to me.

Now, I realize that not a lot of people travel as often as I do, but why would Verizon keep this amazing option such a secret? It's buried on their web site in some obscure corner of a FAQ and even the customer service agent had to dig to find it. Bizarre.

Oh well, one less thing for me to do before I have to pack my suitcase.

It seems like only yesterday I was whining because Depeche Mode was coming to Seattle and I was going to be out of the State.

Well, okay, it wasn't yesterday... it was actually two weeks ago. But still, I was positively crushed that I wouldn't be able to see my most favoritist band ever in concert. It never even occurred to me that I might be able to catch them in a city other than Seattle, until Kevin had left a comment asking about attending his local concert in Chicago. As it turns out, I was going to be in Milwaukee then... just a measly two hours away. Sweet! Looks like I'll be playing the angel after all.

And, thanks to a special promotion that iTunes was running, I was able to score us pre-sale tickets that aren't too bad. The only painful part of the entire ordeal was paying the $9.95 PER TICKET service fee that the TicketMaster bastards charge on top. Yeesh. Do I get lubricant with that?

It's nice to have something to look forward to.

So what I am doing up way too late tonight... errr... early this morning?...

• Visiting What Should I Read Next? so I can have a list of books to look for at the airport book shop.
• Downloading a bunch of Star Trek "fanflicks" which I found out about from Planet Fandom. I knew that there were goofy Trekkie movies where geeks fantasized about being Captain Kirk in their basement... but, until I read this article... I had no idea. The quality is surprisingly good and the acting, while not Emmy-worthy, is better than you Would expect. So far, I like what I've downloaded better than the entire season of the lame Star Trek: Voyager.
• Packing my suitcase. Which is something I like about as much as being punched in the face with a burning Subaru. This is probably why I don't bother to pack very much when I travel.
• Whining because my back hurts. Nothing makes 15 hours of travel more fun than doing it with sore body parts. It could be worse I suppose. I mean, I might have accidentally sat in a campfire and got 3rd degree burns on my ass.
• Being thankful that my web hosting company isn't as stupid as I thought. I just got an email telling me that they are DOUBLING the allowed monthly bandwidth for their customers. This is what they should have done MONTHS ago, to compete with every other hosting company that's a major player. I am glad not only that I don't have to worry about bandwidth overages for a while, but also because I don't have to leave Lunar Pages... other than their once-stingy bandwidth allowance, they are an awesome company to work with. Thanks guys!
• Appreciating the fact that INXS probably made the best choice for their new front-man (big surprise). I may not have cared much for J.D. Fortune's actions on the show... but, after watching his final performance with the band, have to say he seems to fit well with them. He's no Michael Hutchence, but who is? Now, what's going to happen with Jordis?

Today was not the best day ever.

I had a major data loss that took two full hours to recover from, and things just went downhill from there.

Even after work had ended, things continued to suck. I went to the Mini Mart for some popcorn to enjoy during Veronica Mars tonight, only to find out that some moron had parked his piece-of-shit car across two spaces, meaning I couldn't park in front. Then when I left, I had to follow his white-trash redneck ass, only to have him stop in the middle of the street so he could open the car door and puke on the pavement.

That would have been bad enough, but when I turned to go around him, I got stuck behind some idiot going 15mph in a 25mph zone. Then when I finally got home, the electricity went out, so my TiVo had to power up again, which takes like... FOREVER... so the day of suckage continues.

After all that, I was almost afraid to check my email. But then I get an announcement from Apple that the entire Bad Boy catalog is now available exclusively on the iTunes Music Store!

Cool! This means I can finally purchase such classics as Niggas Gonna Die by Shyne, Me and My Bitch by The Notorious B.I.G., and Goin' Be Some Shit by The Lox!

Life is good after all!

Guys like to look at naked women.

This should come as no surprise to anybody, and it's not really our fault... we're just built that way. Women probably look at this as a defect, but I prefer to see it as part of our charm. In any event, if the ladies are okay with showing their naked body to a bunch of neanderthals at a strip club... isn't their right to bump and grind guaranteed by The Constitution or something?

Well, not according to the prude dumbasses on the Seattle City Council. Now, instead of some erotically innocent drunken fun, there are stupid rules to follow...

• Patrons must remain 4-feet from the performers at all time.
• A 3-foot railing must be installed between the patrons and performers at the indicated distance.
• No touching or direct tipping is allowed.
• All clubs must install better lighting.

Which pretty much takes all the fun out of going to a strip club. Those heady days of anonymously heading out to a dark and seedy joint for a drink*, lap-dance, and stuffing a G-string with twenties are gone... at least in Seattle. That sucks ass!

And before you go all "but Dave, strip clubs are exploiting women!" I have to heartily disagree. The clearer thinker will realize that it is actually the MEN who are being exploited... for their cash. Women throw boobies in our faces and, as if by magic, our money disappears. We go home happy and poor. The ladies go home happy and wealthy.

Everybody is happy.

But not anymore. Not in Seattle.

So let's look at this for what it REALLY is... an effort by local government to tell us how to live our lives and drive strip clubs out of business. So congratulations Seattle! A harmless activity between consenting adults has just been BANNED by people who think that THEIR morals and way of life should be YOUR morals and way of life. And America loses just a little bit more of her freedom because people in power don't want for you to be free... they want you to look, act, talk, worship, and be entertained exactly like they do.

I don't care whether you agree or disagree with a woman's right to get naked for money... the big picture here is that legislation like this is only the beginning. How long will it be before movie theaters aren't allowed to show R-rated movies? How long will it be before museums can't display works of art that contain nudity? How long will it be before libraries won't be able to carry children's books that show unclothed animals? How long will it be before wearing a bikini is a crime?

And you can just forget about Boobie-Thon.

Where does it stop?

The answer is... it doesn't. The morons of the "Moral Majority" will not stop until everything they consider to be "morally improper" has been eliminated. Stopped. Banned. Destroyed. Gone.

And that's not right. That's not America.

America is having a cold beer after a long hot day in a darkened club with a fist full of bills and a total stranger's boobies in your face. Fortunately you can still find this American dream but, if you live in Seattle, you now have to drive up to Canada to get to it. Sadly, that's yet another trade imbalance for our economy to deal with... we're even exporting bare breasts now.

I weep for a future where guys can't see fine American boobies in a country that was founded so that they could do just that. Seattle mayor Greg Nickels (along with council members Jan Drago, Richard McIver, Jim Compton, David Della and Richard Conlin) can kiss my ass. F#@% all of you America-hating bitches.

* The only drinks you can order at a Seattle strip-club are of the non-alcoholic variety. You have to be sure you are drunk enough to lose your shame, but not so drunk you get bounced, BEFORE entering the club. Just another helpful tip from your friends at Blogography!

The small stone tumbled haphazardly down the side of the mountain, bouncing along the shale with a "pok pok pok" as he fell. By the time the little rock had landed in a grassy outcropping several hundred feet below, he was very confused. He was also up-side down, though he barely noticed. He was a stone after all. Perhaps in a few hundred years he could sort out what had happened just then, but time moves slowly when you're a rock, so he had plenty of time to spare.

His new surroundings were quite pleasant. The grass on which he lay was tender and smelled like summer. A battered tree further up the outcropping shaded him from the heat of the mid-day sun. Wildflowers grew nearby, scattered about like polka dots against the scrub. And beyond the outcrop was a view of the valley below, both beautiful and serene. There was a gentle breeze now, and the sound of the wind was pleasing had he the ears to hear it.

Being made of stone, the little rock knew none of this, for he had not the facilities to hear or feel or smell or see.

But he did sense that he was in a better place, and so the small stone was content.

Sometimes I envy the life of rocks.

The reaction to my entry yesterday has been a little surprising. There's not a lot of comments, but I've received a number of emails... a large number of emails... from people who are concerned about me after having read it.

So, for anybody curious, I am not getting all sentimental about rocks because something terrible has happened in my life. I'm okay. My family is okay. My friends are okay. Everything is okay with me.

Except when I read the news out of Guatemala/Mexico and Pakistan/India.

Guatemala and Mexico have been hit hard by Hurricane Stan, with hundreds (perhaps thousands) dead. Pakistan & Northern India have been devastated by earthquake, with the death toll topping 30,000... and estimates saying the total could end up running much, much higher.

To calm my thoughts when I am upset, I often write stupid little stories for myself. They're just for me, and nobody but a select few ever see them because they often have meaning only to myself. If somebody were to read through my story journal, they'd probably think me insane because they couldn't possibly understand what was running through my head at the time I wrote in it.

But yesterday as the day was ending, I couldn't bring myself to write anything for Blogography with all the things going on in the world. I finally just decided to post the story of the little stone who fell, just to have something to say. I figured most people would ignore it or think I was medicated. But instead there was a bunch of email waiting for me when I woke up asking if I was okay.

So thanks for that.

What the story was trying to say was that sometimes we wish we were made of stone so that we could close ourselves to the horrors of the world around us. But if we were stone, we'd miss the good things in life as well, so we should be content with knowing that we're in the place we're meant to be. There are good things to be found if we open our senses to finding them.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

But then I read the news that Aardman Studios (the people who created my beloved Wallace & Gromit) has burned to the ground, and find myself envying the life of rocks just a little bit once again.

I don't know why, but I always expect that holidays will somehow be special for me. Things that usually go wrong will go right. Problems will somehow solve themselves. Big piles of money will fall from the sky. Stuff like that.

It never happens, of course, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Today being Halloween, my hopes were running high. This is a fun holiday, so there was no reason to expect anything except a Big Day of Fun. But then I woke up and saw this...

Thanks to everybody who has been adding themselves to my Blogography Reader's Map. I get a couple thousand unique visitors every day, and it's kind of cool seeing who you are and where y'all come from.

And now I'm off to pack my suitcase...

I am so totally bummed. My PowerBook appears to be dying. I guess I shouldn't be surprised... the poor thing is three years old and has been drug around the world a dozen times over. I've grown quite attached to her, but the constant overheating and erratic behavior makes her unreliable, and I need a PowerBook I can count on.

Sadly, methinks it's time to consider a replacement. =Sob!= It seems like only yesterday I was waxing poetic over my Titanium-covered baby...

In the midst of my grief over my ailing PowerBook companion, I received an odd call on my mobile phone. Unfortunately for the anonymous bitch who called, I was in no mood for a wrong number, especially with her attitude...

Dave: Hello?
   
Anonymous Bitch: WHERE ARE YOU? YOU'RE 30 MINUTES LATE!! WE'RE GOING TO ORDER WITHOUT YOU!!!
   
Dave: WELL I'M SORRY!! I crapped myself on the way to the restaurant and thought it would be better to change my pants and be late rather than show up smelling like shit! Order me a jelly donut and a fifth of Jack Daniel's and I'll be there in ten minutes!
   
Anonymous Bitch: WHAT? WHO IS THIS??
   
Dave: I SAID TEN MINUTES!! And that donut had better be fresh!

Sigh.

Can you appreciate how difficult it is being me? I am forever lashing out with smart-ass comments and then immediately regretting it afterwards. My only excuse is that I am so incredibly brilliant that my evil brain is capable of bypassing my sense of shame on its own accord. Either that, or I have no shame to begin with. Either way, it's just not my fault, so I suppose I should stop feeling bad about it.

There. I feel much better knowing that I am not to blame for my poor behavior.

The day wasn't all bad news, however... a big congratulations to James & Erin on the birth of their new baby girl! Welcome to the world Vivian Bow! I must admit to being a bit surprised that they didn't name their first-born child after me though.

Oh well. Even though "David Vivian Bow" has a nice ring to it, I'm very happy for the three of them.

Speaking of happiness, have you registered yourself on the Blogography Reader's Map over at Frappr? Other than sending me a million dollars, it's the easiest way to ensure you will be spared my wrath once my evil plan for world domination has been unleashed. Only by registering now are you assured of my benevolence come D-Day! Mwah ha ha haaaaah!

Today was a bizarre kind of day, which is unusual in itself because all I did was go to work.

Of course, getting to work was a bit of a challenge because my car was iced over and the frost had somehow bonded to my windows. Scraping did nothing, so I had to wait until the defroster could take care of it. Weird that the first frost of the year was so serious.

After four hours of hard work, I needed to go to the post office to mail some T-shirts on my lunch break. Since it was a Saturday, the actual office wasn't open but there was a scary guy going through the mailing supply rack. He was kind of in a trance and kept repeating the same thing over and over again...

Scary Dude: Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody. Everybody. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody. Everybody...

Thinking he might be stuck, I decided to help out in my best Springsteen impersonation...

Scary Dude: Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody. Everybody. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody. Everybody...
   
Dave: ...LAY DOWN YOUR MONEY AND YOU PLAY YOUR PART. EVERYBODY'S GOT A HUH- HUH- HUNGRY HEAAAARRRT! ... WHOA OH OH OH OH OHHHHHHH!!

The guy just stared at me for a minute, then went back into his trance. I guess that makes me the crazy one.

After another five hours of slaving away on the job, I'd had enough and decided to go home. Along the way I noticed that gas was at $2.51 a gallon, and decided that was good enough to finally fill up my tank (probably a good thing since I've been running on empty for the past several days). While standing in the freezing cold and driving rain pumping my gas, a guy dressed in a Broncos jacket wandered up to me...

Bronco Dude: Hey man, you got any spare cash?
   
Dave: Uhhh... sorry, I haven't got any cash. I'm having to fill up on my card.
   
Bronco Dude: I really need it.
   
Dave: Um. Yeah... well, sorry I can't help out.
   
Bronco Dude: There's an ATM inside. Can you get some cash?
   
Dave: Errr... no.
   
Bronco Dude: Well that sucks man. That sucks!
   
Dave: Welcome to life on planet earth.

I guess that just goes to show you can never have too much crazy.

And to prove it, I'm going to go drink orange Kool-Aid and watch Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith!

My sarcastic nature is forever getting me into trouble... mostly by people who think I'm serious about all the things I say. I had a girlfriend who once asked me "why do you always expect the worst?" to which I replied "years of conditioning." And, for the most part, that's true. When people, places, services, purchases, and everything else you encounter ends up sucking ass, you just come to expect it...

You expect your new Panasonic piece-of-crap DVD player will break after a week.

You expect the latest Rob Snider movie will be "stupid-stupid" instead of "stupid-funny."

You expect it to rain on your vacation.

You expect politicians to lie and break their promises.

You expect those french fries you just ordered will arrive all limp and greasy.

You expect that your hotel room will smell like ass and have funky stains on the sheets.

You expect that those penis enlargement pills you ordered off the internet won't really work... (ahem, or so I am guessing).

Continuous disappointment ends up conditioning you to expect the worst. Anything else is just a pleasant surprise. Call me a cynic, but I lead a much happier life by not getting my hopes up.

And, sure enough, that same girlfriend dumped me two days later to go back to her psychotic ex-boyfriend...

Yes it was disappointing, but also not wholly unexpected, so life goes on.

But now something has changed for me. My new Macintosh PowerBook is supposed to ship out today, and I can't help but be excited. Heaven help me, I am actually expecting good things this time. My Aluminum PowerBook will arrive and be totally perfect. I will fall in love with the speed and all the fancy new features and get over the heartbreak of my faithful Titanium PowerBook dying. It will be everything I desire in a laptop computer and I will be happy.

Life is good.

Though knowing my luck, FedEx will probably lose my PowerBook during shipment or run over it with a truck or something.

Hey, I tried to be optimistic there for a minute.

At what point is something declared so hopelessly broken that you finally decide it's time to scrap it and start over from scratch? I mean, at what point do you just drag Old Yeller out to the barn and put a bullet in his head rather than have the rabid bastard f#@% up everybody's day? Sure you love the mutt, but something has to be done... the question then becomes "when do you do it?" How do you sense that moment, that very second of change where something goes from acceptable to bad? From bad to worse? From worse to hopeless? And shouldn't your goal be to stop the train before things actually become hopeless? Who wants a train wreck after all?

I am to the point where I see far too few redeeming qualities in the governmental machine of these United States of America. Our government has just gone from worse to hopeless. And before you go all "YEAH, BUSH SUCKS!" on me, I am not talking about President Bush... I am talking about the entire system.

The government exists to serve the people. Well, I feel served alright. SERVED A BIG STEAMING PILE OF STANKY ASS!

And it's all because I've been trying to help people with the new Medicare Drug Insurance Plan that went into effect yesterday.

Talk about your steaming pile.

As we age, our bodies break down. Our quality of life decreases. Things become harder. Life a little less pleasant... a little more painful. But thanks to pharmaceuticals, our quality of life can be made better beyond that point where our bodies start to decline. No need to nip off behind the barn and have a bullet put in your head just because you're old... drugs make it possible for you to live a good life to a ripe old age. Some drugs are even more critical, and allow you to go on living to a ripe old age.

But drugs are expensive. This means that only people with serious money (or really good insurance) are able to maintain their quality of life as aging starts to take over. Those without the means to pay hundreds (or even thousands) of dollars for drugs each month are faced with choices that must be made. Do I buy food so I can eat another day, or do I buy a pill so my heart can go on beating another day?

This is not exaggeration, this is a real-life scenario faced by an increasing number of elderly persons every day. And while some are able to stay healthier longer than others, there comes a point where most everyone has to form an intimate relationship with their medicine cabinet. And this means you.

Our government's solution is to supplement private insurance carriers in order to assist the elderly with their prescription drug costs. This is called Medicare-D, the drug insurance plan. All you have to do is find a plan that fits you best and, chances are, you can save some money on the drugs you take. Sounds simple right?

Except the entire process of choosing an insurance carrier is massively complicated. Here in Washington State, there are SEVENTY to choose from. And since you never know what the future holds, something that might work now, may be useless three months from now. It's a hopeless mess of a "solution" that should have never made it off the page.

Unless, of course, you are one of the insurance agencies... in which case, there is money to be made.

I am a genius... not a self-proclaimed genius... but an actual, certified, Mensa-level genius with an IQ of 142. I am adept with internet research. I am fearless when having to make calls or track down information. My massive intellect allows me to solve problems that mere mortals fail to grasp. And yet... trying to help people find out if there is a Medicare-D plan that can help them is a huge, huge, chore for me. It's MADE that way. Sure the Medicare.gov web site helps you narrow down the choices (when it is actually working) but there are other factors which makes a final choice difficult, and has me questioning my sanity.

Now imagine that you are 85 years old and your mind isn't what it used to be. You don't have a computer or an internet connection. You might not even know how to turn on a computer. Reams of complex documentation might as well be a brick wall you can never make your way over. You have nobody to turn to for help and, since scams that fleece the elderly are so common, you can't trust a stranger. Even if you wanted to ask for help, you don't know where to go. Stacks of Medicare pamphlets and insurance company brochures arrive every day, but they seem to be written in a language you can't comprehend. You have mounting prescription bills that consume all your income. Sure there might be a Medicare-D plan that can help you, but it is well beyond your capabilities to grasp. Afraid and alone, you have no choice but to take a pass on drug insurance you don't understand, and pray that your prescriptions don't get any more expensive. Your budget is already so strained that you are down to one meal a day, and even that is getting to be a luxury...

And guess what... THAT'S THE TARGET AUDIENCE THAT THIS PLAN IS MEANT TO HELP!!

WHAT THE F#@%?!? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!

THIS is the best our government can do for our elderly? This piece of shit "solution" is all we get?? A complicated plan to help people who may not even understand it? A system so totally f#@%ed that some plans can actually cost you MORE money than you're paying now? A helping hand that can totally bitch-slap you if your drug needs are radically changed and no longer fit in the plan you've chosen? This is it?

Well game over. If this crap is the best our government can come up with, it's time to take a bullet in the head and start over. Find a new government which doesn't pay politicians to fight with each other over inane party lines AND FIX THE SHIT LIKE THIS THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED!!

What totally douches me here is that prescription drug assistance for the elderly is such a simple problem compared to all the other crap we've managed to get ourselves into. If the solution for a simple problem ends up being this bad... what does it say for the bigger cookie?

As anybody who has ever called a customer service line can attest, half the battle in getting help is getting transferred to the right person. It seems that every time you call, there's a maze of "press 1 for this" and "press 2 for that" to go through, and most of the time the number you select is either wrong, or leads you to yet another maze of options. It's a horrifying and thoroughly frustrating way to treat people, but that doesn't seem to deter companies from using complicated automated phone menus.

So imagine my surprise this morning when I call a software company because of a problem, only to have an actual REAL-LIVE PERSON answer the phone?

I am so conditioned to having a machine pick up that I think I must have gone into shock. But once I regained my faculties, I was giddy with happiness that I wouldn't have to waste my time pressing buttons and could be connected directly where I needed to go...

Operator Lady: Super Sweet Software Company*, may I help you?
Dave: Uhhh yeah, I'm having problems installing your program.
Operator Lady: Well this is Customer Service, sir, you need to call Technical Support.
Dave: Oh. Uhhh sorry, this is the only number on the pamphlet thingy... can you transfer me?
Operator Lady: No sir, it's an entirely different number. I can give it to you if you're ready.
Dave: Okay.
Operator Lady: (gives number) Thank you for calling Super Sweet and you have a good day!
   
* Company name changed to protect the innocent.

Okay, not so bad. A little annoying I have to pay for a second non-toll-free call, but whatever. I call the new number...

Operator Lady: Super Sweet Software Company*, may I help you?
Dave: Ah. I think I somehow dialed the wrong number again. I had just called a minute ago and was trying to get Tech Support.
Operator Lady: Yes, this is Technical Support, I'll transfer you now...
Dave: HEY! WAIT A SECOND! Aren't you the same person I just spoke to at the other number?
Operator Lady: Yes sir. Both lines are routed thro--
Dave: Well why didn't you just transfer me the first time?
Operator Lady: We are using call logging to keep count of the number of calls each department receives, sir. You have to call in on the proper line so the count is accurate. Let me trans--
Dave: WHAT? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of... this means your count is already wrong because my first call was to the wrong number! Why not have the phone in Tech Support just keep track?
Operator Lady: (frosty now) Sir, providing you with the number for Technical Support IS a Customer Service Call!!
Dave: You have GOT to be kidding me. If you do--
Operator Lady: SIR! If you want to place a complaint call, I need you to call back on the Customer Service line.
Dave: (head just asploded) No. No. The last thing you want today is another call from me. I'll take Technical Support please.
Operator Lady: I'm transferring you now. Thank you for calling Super Sweet.
   
* Company name changed to protect the clueless.

I feel like I am trapped in a Dilbert cartoon. Seriously, does anybody know how really, unbearably, remarkably, stupid... STUPID people get in charge of dreaming up this shit? I'd be mad if I didn't find it so gosh-darn funny!

It also doesn't hurt that there was yet another amazing episode of Veronica Mars on last night. I swear I don't know how they manage to be so positively brilliant on that show every single week. I mean, two characters who are on the far periphery of the Veronica Mars universe were given shocking revelations last night that were so seamlessly woven into the main story that you have to wonder how mere mortals can create something so perfect. Who would have thought that they could ever, EVER turn Sheriff Lamb into a sympathetic character in such an unsympathetic way? AND WHAT THE HECK WENT ON WITH DUNCAN AND KENDALL BEHIND CLOSED DOORS?!? GAH!

Speaking of perfect... have you SEEN the spread of Ms. Veronica Mars herself, Kristen Bell, in the latest issue of Giant Magazine? I've scanned some eye candy from my copy to post, but there are more (tiny) shots along with the interview on the Giant Magazine web site.

Yes. Love me the Kristen Bell.

BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Dave Approved: Lame!
BLOGDATE: March 2, 2004
   
In which Dave decides that internet quizzes are lame and decides to invent some quizzes that he'd actually want to take. Unfortunately, Dave failed to impress upon people that these were FAKE quizzes and don't actually exist... which is why he still gets emails asking where the quizzes can be taken to this very day (eventually Dave relented and actually created his own quiz, which practically nobody has ever bothered to take... go figure).
Click here to go back in time...