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Posted on Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

Dave!For a brief period of time that felt like centuries but was actually less that two weeks, I "dated" whom I like to call the "Do You Know" girl. And when I say "dated" I actually mean "followed her around while going bankrupt buying her stuff in the hopes that she might one day sleep with me." It was a very one-sided relationship, but I didn't care and clung to the hope that she would do whatever it took to keep the gravy train rolling before I ran out of money. After that, the money wouldn't matter, because she would fall hopelessly in love with me and we'd be blissfully happy together for the rest of our lives.

I don't think that I'm spoiling anything by revealing that things did not go according to plan.

Not only did I not get to sleep with her but, with the exception of a couple breezy kisses, the only physical contact I ever had was when she grabbed my ass in the shoe department of Lamonts. At the time, I was convinced true love was imminent. In retrospect, I'm guessing she was just trying to take my wallet.

Anyway... while I was biding my time for a glorious event that would never occur, I had to endure her one fatal flaw... a constant barrage of "Do You Know" questions that were not really questions, but instead thinly-veiled condescending attacks...

  • After asking her if she'd like half of my Twix candy bar... "Do you know how many calories are in that?"
  • After asking if she wanted to catch a movie that night... "Do you know how tired I am after work?"
  • After telling her I was ordering some books... "Do you know you can read those for free at the library?"
  • After coming back to the dinner table after going to the bathroom... "Do you know how many people don't wash their hands after using the toilet?"
  • After showing her my new sunglasses... "Do you know how ridiculous you look in those?"
  • And so on...

It drove me frickin' insane but, as I said, my eye was on the bigger picture.

Ten years later, and I'm on the phone with technical support for almost an hour trying to solve a major problem with my faithful 5-year-old laser printer. Once we've gone through all the usual crap that I had already tried a dozen times before I called, the support guy is at the end of his rope and finally gives up...

"Do you know printers like this should be replaced every three years?"

To which I immediately reply...

"Well, okay, but the sex had better be incredible."

This caused a bit of confusion, so I decided to clear things up...

"Ha, ha... just kidding. Looks like I'm the one who's going to get fucked today."

Do I have to be such a total smart-ass all the time?

Categories: DaveLife 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. Hilly says:

    I just giggled. Being a smart ass looks good on you :). It’s amazing how long you waited for that sex and how much you put up with…you do know that you can just pay for that, don’t you? (Of course, *you* don’t have to cause the girls, the girls they love Dave).

  2. Dave2 says:

    Oh yes.

    You always end up paying for it… one way or the other! 🙂

  3. Jordan says:

    Bless you. I have calls daily with managers, coworkers, tech support where I feel like saying pretty much the exact same thing. Nearest I’ve come is when a manager said ‘Tell me if this is a dumb idea, or if it’ll cost too much’, to which my answer was “Yes”. When asked for clarification, it was “That’s the most idiotic thing I’ve heard you say yet, *and* it’ll cost a small fortune”. My boss has started lining up people he’s annoyed with when he sees I’m in a bad mood, just so I can chew them out 🙂

  4. kilax says:

    You wouldn’t be Dave if you weren’t such a smartass!

  5. carlos.m.hernandez says:

    Do you know that you made me laugh today? Thanks for that!

    >You always end up paying for it… one way or the other! 🙂

    True that.

  6. kapgar says:

    If you weren’t such a total smart ass, you wouldn’t be, well, you.

  7. Kyra says:

    It could have been the shoes. Maybe she had a shoe fettish, was trying to let you know, and you never followed up on it? 😉

    And Hilly has a point, you have quite the harem going on here. I mean, just look at the way Avitable stalks you!

  8. Göran says:

    You´re so brave. What if the tech guy shows up and expects sex now? Guess you can just pay to get out of that too.

  9. SJ says:

    Do you know if you buy the cow, you get the milk for free?

    Seriously, hon, you need to get married. Find a nice girl from Pasadena (hopefully not a mutant) who likes to travel, play with Legos and eat at Hard Rock Cafes.

  10. Kachina Crowe says:

    Oh Dave.

    What an absolutely perfect story for Valentine’s Day Week.

  11. Avitable says:

    Do you know how long it took me to think of this comment?

  12. bogup says:

    Answer, and unequivocal “YES.”
    And that is why we like you.

  13. Do you know that fucking with technical support jackasses can make you smile? 🙂

  14. Miss Britt says:

    THAT’s what dating is?

    I need to find someone to date me…

  15. sizzle says:

    would you be you if you weren’t? besides, great comeback! that girl must have been some sort of beautiful for you to put up with that crap.

  16. Joy says:

    I’m a long-time lurker, but I have to comment today – that made me laugh out loud! Nice!

  17. I’ve never understood the concept of bleeding a guy dry for the “pleasure” of dating me. If I don’t like the guy enough that I’d pay HIM for the pleasure of spending time with him, then I’m wasting my own time. Then again, I’ve never had a printer that lasted five years… So, what do I know.

  18. Karl says:

    A laser printer is only supposed to last 3 years? Cripes, that’s freaking ridiculous.

    You need to find yourself a tech support hottie that loves Batman.

  19. Tina says:

    do you know you make me laugh?

  20. Iron Fist says:

    What the–? What was she talking about? Those new sunglasses look awesome on you!


  21. delmer says:

    I had a sales guy try to push the extended warranty on my friend by telling her that CRT in an TV is designed to last only a year.

    She declined the extended warranty. It’s been more than 15 years and the TV is still working. (It would seem she lucked out and got one that was over designed.)

  22. Robin says:

    Do you know…how funny you are?

    Do you know…how talented you are?

    Do you know…that we all look forward to our “Dave fix” every day?

    Do you know…you are totally awesome?

    Do you know…that girl didn’t deserve you.

    Do you know…WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!

  23. And now there is Sierra Mist all over my keyboard. Totally worth it though.

  24. Bec says:

    Ditto to what Robin said.

  25. Lisa says:

    I feel so guilty getting such a good laugh at your expense.

  26. Lewis says:

    Listen, my little squash blossom, we ALL follow you around to get your wallet and grab maybe a little piece of ass. Is that SO wrong? Looking forward to it in juust a few days.

  27. Wayne says:

    Do you know that I don’t appreciate you putting our time together back then in a post where you make fun of me!

    Do you also know that my ‘operation’ was a success, about 8 years ago? I’m not nearly so materialistic now…

  28. I never thought I’ll read something heart-breaking, hilarious, and cringe at the same.

    Next time you feel lusty again, you can always throw that money into a plane ticket to Hong Kong, and I’ll show you the junk you can buy. It’ll be more satisfying.

    Hell, I’ll even throw you to a couple of bars where some hoochies will be happy to give you more-than-breezy kisses. 🙂 LOL

  29. karla says:

    Wait…you mean to say, if I had ‘held out’ guys would have bought me stuff?

    Dammit. Why didn’t anyone tell ME this?

  30. Catherine says:

    Your story about this girl got under my skin. I actually found myself all outraged thinking of her/you while trying to go to sleep. Maybe she’ll cross the street while concentrating so hard on wiggling her ass and looking back haughtily at her current victim that she gets wetly smacked by a big garbage truck going 70.

    Happy Valentine’s Day.

  31. liv says:

    really? that’s dating? i guess i’d buy a book about it since i’m new on the market again after a decade, but DO YOU KNOW….??

  32. stephen says:

    At least you still have the monkey.

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