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Ride

Posted on Tuesday, January 1st, 2008

Dave!Hope everybody had a good New Year's celebration!

I'm hanging out with friends today instead of blogging, so I'll just reprint my favorite DaveToon series of 2007...


Dave Wagon

Monkey Wagon

Dave's Fast Wagon

And here's hoping for a good ride through 2008...

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Jellybean

Posted on Friday, January 4th, 2008

Dave!Now that I'm back in the office, I'm opening up all the lovely holiday business gifts that companies sent to me while I was traveling. They're all pretty great, and some of them are remarkable in their extravagance, but one of the gifts has captured my heart...

A jar of gourmet jellybeans.

I love jellybeans, and having a big jar of them sitting on my desk is a real treat. Even if I end up going into a sugar coma because I am addicted to eating them one after the other.

The problem is that I don't like mixing the flavors, so half of my time is spent picking out the same color beans to eat. It makes me wish that there was somebody you could hire to come organize all your jellybeans and toss out all the flavors you don't like (for me that would be coffee and licorice)...

Professional Jellybean Sorter

And now I'm off to wash clothes because there's not a clean pair of underwear left in the house.

Though I suppose there's nothing wrong with going commando on the weekend.

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Uniform

Posted on Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

Dave!While waiting for my connecting flight into Milwaukee, I was sitting next to some teenage girls who were talking about all the stuff that teenage girls live to talk about. Boys. Shopping. Other girls they hate. The usual. Just as I was getting used to their endless chatting, they went into a giggle fit. Curious to know what was going on, I tuned in to the conversation. From what I could gather, they were all ga ga over an airline captain that had just walked in. Apparently, they thought he looked totally hot in his uniform.

"Pffft!" I thought to myself. Silly girls!!

And then I looked up.

Damn! The bastard DID look totally hot in his uniform!

It was then that I decided I should get me a uniform of my own so I could wear it all the time and be totally hot myself. Well, maybe not ALL the time... but definitely when I travel. And when I go to the grocery store. And when I eat at Taco Bell. And... well, yeah... I would wear it all the time...

Captain Dave

Except...

While I am quite enamored with the idea of impressing the ladies by being an airplane captain, I worry that one day I might actually have to live up to the uniform. There I'd be... watching the latest episode of The Soup on my iPhone, happily minding my own business, when an airline attendant comes up and taps me on the shoulder...

Hot Attendant: Excuse me, captain?
   
Captain Dave: Yes. How can I help you, miss?
   
Hot Attendant: There's been an electrical problem in the cockpit. Our captain and co-captain are dead. We need you to make an emergency landing right away! And then, after we're on the ground, I need you to make love to me because, damn, you look so totally hot in that uniform!
   
Captain Dave: I see. Let me just wash my hands, and I'll be right there.

At which point I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry while the plane crashed into a mountain.

Maybe I should buy a flying simulation game for my Wii and practice it for a bit before I make myself look hot by dressing up as an airline captain? The cockpit of a commercial airplane looks kind of like my Wii controller, so what could go wrong? I wonder if The Captain from "Captain and Tennille" had to deal with this crap?

In other news, can somebody please explain this to me...

Moneytruck

It's a foreign currency exchange booth.

On wheels.

It never actually goes anywhere, so why? Is it in case somebody somehow gets a gun through airport security and decides to rob the Travelex booth? What happens then? Does the person behind the counter just go "SURPRISE SUCKER!!" and drive off, foiling the robbery attempt? And, more importantly, is that thing street-legal? Because the only thing more hot than my wearing an airline captain's uniform would be to wear an airline captain's uniform while driving around in that sweet ride.

Though I'd have to put some bigger tires on it. And maybe some spinner wheels. I wouldn't want to look silly or anything.

   

Diaper

Posted on Wednesday, January 16th, 2008

Dave!I've been blogging long enough to know that there is no telling what is going to set people off. Sometimes I write entries that I think are going to be controversial and unleash a flood of hate mail, and get nothing. Other times I write what I think are charming and uplifting entries, only to get death threats and people telling me how much I suck. It's a crap-shoot, and I gave up a long time ago trying to figure it out.

Yet reader reaction still crosses my mind.

And, while it doesn't ever really influence what I write, it does make me question myself from time to time.

But it's not the same for comments I leave on other people's blogs.

I'm a cheeky bastard, and that apparently gives me free reign to joke around or say crazy crap and then never even consider that there might be consequences. After all, it's not my blog! I wouldn't intentionally comment with stuff that might get another blogger in trouble or anything... but after I write on their blog, I just don't worry about repercussions.

Now I am slowly starting to regret that, and here's just one example of why...

Over a year ago, Pauly wrote a hysterical entry over at his Words for My Enjoyment blog extolling the virtues of adult diapers, from which I'm republishing a small part here (you really should go read the entire thing, because it's dang funny)...

...Wear them all the time, wherever you want, whenever you go out in public. Don’t be afraid of people’s opinions, since everyone will be wearing them. Forget about "holding things in" from this day forward and feel free for once in your life. Make the elderly finally feel embraced instead of ridiculed and remove the teasing from the adolescent equation that affects so many children in a negative way. Give every person in this world the opportunity to live, learn, grow and urinate anywhere and anytime without societal pressure to "hold themselves in."
   
Adult diapers for everyone. It’s an idea whose time has come.

Inspired to "let myself go," I went ahead and left the following comment...

DaveatarI heartily agree… but am having trouble finding adult diapers that offer full protection, yet have a slim profile. I tire of the embarrassing looks and stares I get while wearing my diapers in public!

Now, that was meant to be a joke. Ha ha funny and all that. I don't really wear diapers.

At least not yet.

But that hasn't stopped dozens of people from emailing me with advice about my "diaper problem."

Dave in a Diaper

Some people genuinely want to help out and offer diaper tips. Others want to make fun of me. Still others want to ask me questions about my "diaper habit" (or, heaven help them) ask me to send them photos of me wearing diapers (which is the email I got today). It's all pretty messed up, and has exposed me to a secret world of adult-diaper-fetish aficionados that I really didn't need to know about.

All because I didn't consider the consequences as I was hacking out a ten second comment.

Which is a shame, because the convenience of being able to pee in my pants is an idea that's starting to grow on me.

   

Broil

Posted on Thursday, February 7th, 2008

Dave!Rumor has it (from ex Disney-CEO Michael Eisner, no less) that the Hollywood writer's strike is all but over, and this Saturday will pretty much seal the deal once the writers themselves sign on.

I sure hope this is true, because I miss my television.

As I sit here typing this, the first episode of Survivor Season 16 has just ended (the only non-Bravo reality show I watch), and I am caught in the 9:00 void until Eli Stone starts at 10:00. And before everybody starts screaming "OH MY GAWD... YOU DON'T WATCH LOST?!?" The answer is no, I do not watch Lost. After a brilliant first season the show degenerated into total shit, where the writer's idea of being clever is to just keep piling on more "mysterious" crap while resolving nothing. Every time somebody tells me "But it's so much better now!" - I tune in and find out it's just more of the same... introduce even more new mysterious characters, pile on even more mysterious mysteries, and leave me even more mysteriously mystified at just how the fuck this show continues to be popular. Maybe once the whole thing is over and people tell me that the writers did, in fact, manage to wrap everything up in a satisfactory manner... I'll revisit the show on DVD or something. In the meanwhile, I'd rather watch reruns of Hannah Montanna.

In other entertainment news...

Today I got a brilliant email because of an entry where I posted this cartoon:

Flame Broiled Burger King
With a twist of my ring, I flame-broil the Burger King!

The email was not from a concerned parent about the excessive violence depicted at my flame-broiling Burger King (which is what usually happens)... it was from a fan of the restaurant chain who didn't like that I would publicize a bad experience I had there. "Millions of people enjoy eating at Burger King and it would be a shame if your complaining were to keep people from trying it for themselves."

So there you have it. Don't take my word for it... go to your local Burger King for breakfast and see for yourself just how bad it sucks!

Though, I have to add a disclaimer here: My problem with BK is only with their shitty breakfasts. I am compelled to give them credit for having the sack to put a veggie burger on their menu, which I actually quite enjoy. Until McDonalds sees fit to roll out their awesome McVeggie Deluxe burger nation-wide, the BK Veggie is about the only burger I can find most anywhere in the US that I can actually eat.

Sigh. I should have wrote more. There's still forty-five minutes until Eli Stone is on...

   

Wings

Posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

Dave!Today as I was leaving work, a woman was standing outside with her daughter as a train passed by with aircraft fuselages strapped to the cars. "What is that?" the little girl asked wide-eyed. "Those are planes" the mother replied. "That's silly. Where are their wings?" the girl said, stomping her tiny foot on the sidewalk.

The first thing that went through my mind was how totally cool it would be if they did leave the wings on when they transported airplanes on trains. The massive amount of damage that would ensue as they cut a swath of death and destruction on their journey would be a crazy-awesome sight to behold.

But then I felt sad because, just like the girl observed, a plane with no wings that can't fly isn't really a plane at all.

Until I realized that the fuselages were on their way over to Seattle, where Boeing would get them all fixed up with wings, landing gear, tiny toilets, a cool paint job, and uncomfortable seats packed too closely together. Then I was happy again.

Well, happy for the planes... not the people who have to sit in those uncomfortable seats...

Tiny Seats

This weekend I am going to Seattle too.

Alas, it's not to get my wings. I've decided it might be nice to stay grounded for a little while.

   

Bombed

Posted on Friday, February 15th, 2008

Dave!

Jäger Bomber Recipe

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Lazy

Posted on Sunday, February 17th, 2008

Dave!Why should I mess up an entire day of doing nothing by blogging?

Sometimes, lazy is good.


Couchpotato

   

Banana

Posted on Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

Dave!

Banana

   

   

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  42 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Sculpey

Posted on Friday, February 22nd, 2008

Dave!Blaaaaaaaargh.

I spent all night trying to post a guest-entry over at Mr. Fab's blog, Pointless Drivel (probably Not Safe For Work... or anything else, for that matter), but nothing I tried would work.

Stupid WordPress.

Oh well. Assuming that somebody can help me get it posted tomorrow, there's big fun with Sculpey modeling clay over there...

Sculpey Lil' Dave

I've never played with Sculpey before, and was shocked at how difficult it is to make stuff out of it. Everything I tried to build just ended up looking like a big ol' mess.

Guess I'll be sticking with my computer from here on out...

UPDATE... Thanks to Shelli and her kick-ass admin privileges, my post is now up...

   

Dongle

Posted on Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

Dave!With every fiber of my being, I LOATHE software that requires a hardware "key" (known as a "dongle") to operate.

Because I am forever losing the damn thing.

Today I had a critical project that I couldn't complete because I lost the dongle I needed for the program to work. This meant I had to rip apart my office, my car, my apartment, and everything I own in an attempt to find it. For three hours I was tearing my hair out in a feeble attempt to find a tiny piece of plastic that had no intention of revealing itself. Eventually I gave up, slightly more insane than when I started...

Dave Missing

Once I got home from work, I finally managed to find the stupid thing in one of my suitcases. It was hidden in a back-pocket where I missed it the first time I looked. I was so happy that you'd have thought I'd found the freakin' Holy Grail or something...

Dave Dongle

So now I've got my dongle back and all is well in the world.

But not really.

My web hosting service is down, AGAIN, which means that I can't tell the world about my troubles.

Stupid internets.

Could be worse though. I could have been Hillary Clinton in tonight's Democratic debate. It's as if she suddenly decided that she wanted to confirm all the negative things people say about her. And then there was Obama... rising above it all to give us his calm, cool demeanor that was so presidential I could almost feel him as our nation's leader. If anybody watching it was on the fence as to who they were voting for, they're in Obama's camp now.

Argh. Time to go play with my dongle.

   

Sir

Posted on Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

Dave!I tend not to dwell upon the past, but every once in a while I look back in my life and become despondent over the things I've failed to achieve. Goals never met. Plans never realized. Potential never fulfilled.

I suppose I'm not unique in this regard. How many people can say their life has gone exactly as planned?

Though I'm probably harder on myself than most because my goals are set rather high. My ultimate goal, naturally, is to become ruler of the earth and all I survey. But I realize this is not something likely to happen overnight... certain "minor goals" will have to act as stepping stones towards world domination. Unfortunately, these goals (as of yet) have also gone unsatisfied.

Like becoming a Knight of the British Empire.

You laugh, but they gave that shit to Bill Gates for infesting the United Kingdom with his Microsoft Windows crap, so why not recognize me for infesting The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire with my Blogography crap? And, as if that weren't enough, I look damn fine wearing jewel-encrusted silver ornaments. I would totally be rocking that "Star of the Knight" medal, I tell you what...

Dave Medaled

And I have no doubt that Her Majesty The Queen and I could become bestest friends...

The Dave and The Queen

But, alas, no knighthood for me.

I was reminded of this failure as I was watching the wacky Barbara Walters host "The Royal Family" special on television last night. It was actually pretty good, but just makes me want to watch the original British documentary, Monarchy: The Royal Family at Work, upon which the Baba Wawa special was bastardized from.

In even further bad news, my Apple Time Capsule wireless backup drive arrived yesterday...

Empty Apple Box

But not really.

The box was completely empty.

When I got it, I noticed it was near-weightless, but I thought it might be software of some kind. After opening the box and finding nothing, I located the label from Apple, looked up the order number, and saw it was supposed to be my Time Capsule. After a long, convoluted call to Apple, they issued an insurance claim with FedEx and placed a new order. Unfortunately, this has added ten days to my delivery time, but oh well.

Perhaps I'll feel better about things if I were to knight myself.

Sir Dave2 sure does has a nice ring to it.

   

Tabloid

Posted on Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Dave!Today was a wacky day of catching up on work and trying to arrange travel plans for another three trips I've got coming up.

And looking over Apple's FREE iPhone Software Development Kit (or SDK) which was released this morning. If you're not a programmer, it can be somewhat technical and boring, but you can watch His Holiness Steve Jobs describe what's going on via QuickTime here (the demo hotness starts just over half-way through). Suffice to say... I am completely blown away. I simply did not anticipate that the SDK would be so refined, polished, and powerful. Developers are going to be FLOCKING to the iPhone, which means iPhone users are in for some incredibly cool stuff come June when the 2.0 software upgrade drops. I have some concerns about required distribution through the iTunes Music Store (though if you give your stuff away for free, there's no charge once you've paid the $99 developer fee), but overall I am very, very excited. iPhone is going to OWN the mobile market... sweet!

Anyway, somewhere along the day, I was asked to make a fake "tabloid magazine" prop for a play that's being put on at the High School. It's fun doing wacky stuff like this from time to time...

Strange But True!
I would so totally buy this!

And now for another installment of Response to Hate-Mail...

Dear Dumbass,
Thank you for your wonderful email chastising me for "showing disrespect to The Queen of England" (from this entry, I'm guessing). A few points... #1: Her Majesty is not the "Queen of England," but instead constitutional monarch (The Queen) of the United Kingdom of Great Britain & Northern Ireland, and Head of the Commonwealth. There hasn't been a "Queen of England" since 1603. Since your IP address is actually located in England, I can only express my sadness that your educational system is apparently as bad as ours here in the USA. #2: I have nothing but the upmost respect for Her Majesty, and wouldn't dream of showing her any disrespect. If wanting to be her friend is disrespectful, then this world is in deeper trouble than I thought. #3: I've read a couple biographies of The Queen, and actually admire Her Majesty for taking on a job she never asked for and performing it to the best of her abilities. Her Majesty has led an exemplary life in service, has done so with dignity and devotion to her people, and deserves nothing but respect for it. I know I'll demand nothing less when I'm king of the world, so fuck you for implying I feel otherwise...

Dave King

Good night... I love you my Apple iPhone!

   

Day Six: Oslo -> Seattle

Posted on Saturday, March 29th, 2008

Dave!Back in Seattle safe and sound and kind of missing Norway already.

I'd blog about it, but I really like my viking DaveToon, so I'm just going to post that instead...


Viking Dave!

   

Pleasurable

Posted on Tuesday, April 1st, 2008

Dave!

It was only a matter of time...


DAVE Condoms

   

For far too long I've been dissatisfied with the condoms available on the market. So many different brands, styles, colors, and flavors... yet none of them get it right.

Until now.

Because I've decided to create my own condom.

D•A•V•E Condoms™ are for the discriminating gentleman who sees advertisements for other brands saying "FOR HER PLEASURE" and thinks What about ME?

Well I hear that.

Here at D•A•V•E Condoms™, we've used cutting-edge technology to build propolactics that will not only thrill the ladies with their exclusive DAVE-WAVE™ ribbing and chocolate pudding scent, but will also provide hours of pleasure for the fellas thanks to our DAVE-RAVE™ bio-electric warming gel.

When released this June, everyone will finally be able to experience the ultimate pleasure that only D•A•V•E can provide. So when you think of sex... think of me! Think of D•A•V•E Condoms

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  47 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Jestertunes!

Posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

Dave!Wow. The reaction to my April Fool's condom ad was so favorable that I almost wish I was able to manufacture them! I should start experimenting with latex, chocolate pudding, and banana molds... how difficult can it be to make a condom?

And speaking of experimentation...

Ever since I found out that I'm 20% gay, I've been trying to find a way to put it to good use. I was going to find a pride parade to march in so that I could show support for my 100% gay brothers and sisters, but I just can't pull off the dress code...

Dave Fierce 20%

Fortunately, Jestertunes has come to the rescue and is having me on as Very Special guest-host for a Very Special episode of The Jester Show tonight (Wednesday) at 7:00 Pacific (10:00 Eastern)...

The Jester Show!

The topic for the last half of the show is going to be "Your Favorite Television Shows of The 80's" so it ought to be big fun!

As for the first half of the program, heaven only knows what trouble we'll get into. Since his show description says that we'll be "waxing hysterical on gay sex," perhaps I'll have a chance to ask him about those burning gay questions that have come up over the years...

So tune into The Jester Show tonight for "Long time friends and blog acquaintances waxing hysterical on gay sex, politics, tv, movies, music, and generally trashing people we come into contact with on a regular basis." I'm sure it will be fierce and fabulous!*

   

* Well, I'm sure Jester will be fierce and fabulous... I'm just going to embarrass myself as usual.

   

Bullet Sunday 76

Posted on Sunday, April 6th, 2008

Dave!It's Bullet Sunday from lovely Salt Lake City, Utah!

Where I may very well be spending the entire day in bed.

• Skittles! OMG! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THAT THEY NOW MAKE CHOCOLATE-MIX SKITTLES?? Each bag-full has five yummy flavors: S'mores, Chocolate Caramel, Vanilla, Brownie Batter, and... wait for it... CHOCOLATE PUDDING, BITCHES!! Just look at my most excellent breakfast this morning...

Choco Skittles

• Stones! But my happiness at discovering Chocolate Mix Skittles is seriously dampened by the constant mind-blowing pain of a kidney stone that has long since worn out its welcome. Unless doped up on drugs all day long, my entire groin aches as if I'm being kicked in the balls every two seconds...

DaveToon Kick in the Balls

I am so ready for this to be over.

• Galactica! I was too drugged to watch the season premiere of Battlestar Galactica on Friday, so I've got it at home sitting on my TiVo. But I really wanted to watch it last night. First I tried every legal option available to me. iTunes Music Store? Not sold there. Streaming from the official site? Yes, but Sci-Fi Channel's streaming sucks ass by stalling every 10 seconds. BitTorrent it is then! This is really f#@%ing stupid on Sci-Fi Channel's part. Had they been selling their shows on iTunes, they would have got a double purchase from me... once so I could watch it now, and again when the DVD is released (just as I've bought all the other Battlestar Galactica DVDs). Why is it these dumb-f#@% networks STILL don't understand how to distribute their shit? They'd rather bitch and moan about how internet piracy is killing their profits WHEN THEY'RE THE DUMBASSES WHO CAUSE THE PIRACY IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Cry me a river, bitches. It's really a shame too, because this show is amazing. The space battles are about the best I've ever seen.

• Chilly! Long-time Blogography commenter and fellow blogger from Banal Leakage, Marty (better known here as ChillyWilly) was kind enough to bring along his fiance and join me for dinner at the Salt Lake City landmark: The Rio Grande Cafe. Since I was whacked out on pain-killers, who knows if I was coherent for the evening... but that's probably true whether I am drugged-up or not...

Dave and Marty at the Rio Grande

• Skank! On my way walking to dinner last night, a car full of girls at a stop light started screaming obscenities my way, saying things like "SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TEACH YOU TO FUCK LIKE A MAN!" I should have ignored them but, because this is me we're talking about, I screamed back "AND SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TEACH YOU TO DOUCHE YOU FILTHY WHORE!!" I didn't think anything of it until the three of us were walking back from The Gateway after dinner when another car of girls pulled up and started screaming crap like "YOU'RE THE KIND OF MAN I'M LOOKING FOR!" What the hell? But then it was explained to me that they were not yelling at me... they were yelling at the Mormons walking next to us. Remembering back, I realized that I probably wasn't the intended "victim" the first time either, because there was a group of Mormons walking behind me then (there's a huge convention for the Latter Day Saints Church here in town, so they're everywhere). Seriously, WTF?!? Dumbass ugly bitches in this city drive around screaming crap at Mormons to feel better about themselves? It wouldn't have been any less stupid had they been hot, but these were so not hot-looking babes. They were skanky trolls hanging out with other skanky trolls so they could make fun of clean-cut Mormon guys who are too decent and kind to fight back. I suppose for these ugly-ass skanks, it's the closest thing to being in a relationship with a man that they're going to get without a crack-pipe being involved. Is there anything more ironic and sad?

• Founded! Okay, I can't let this go... Salt Lake City was BUILT by Mormons. They MADE this place. This is THEIR city. The came here to make a home of their own after being persecuted everywhere else for their religious beliefs (go America!). You'd think that the butt-ugly bitches that drive around harassing Mormon guys would show a little fucking respect. You may not care for their religion, but is that any reason to treat them like crap in a city their people founded to get away from exactly this type of bullshit? Instead of tormenting guys who are just trying to live their lives in peace, why not go build your own city... a city where toxic ugly bitches can go be miserable without bugging the shit out of the rest of us. I wish society would fucking grow up and learn tolerance, because this stupid shit really sets me on edge.

• Beauty! And now, because I refuse to close out this entry with such ugliness, some photos I took on my trip yesterday...

While I was eating my Qdoba Breakfast Burrito, I looked out the giant glass windows of the Sea-Tac Airport food court and was stunned to see that a shaft of light was cutting through the horizon, illuminating the mountains in a way that made them look as if they were floating. I threw down my food and hauled ass towards the windows so I could capture the moment, but none of the pictures came close to reproducing the staggering sight. Perhaps if you use your imagination, you can kind of see what I'm talking about here...

Morning At Sea-Tac

But not really. Oh well. It was truly jaw-dropping, and by the time I gave up trying to photography it, a bunch of people had crowded around the windows to take a look.

I've published so many from-the-air shots here, but I really liked the way this one turned out as I was flying over southern Idaho...

Over Idaho

And, lastly, here's The Great Salt Lake as I descended into SLC...

Great Salt Lake

Breakfast has me feeling much better, so I think it might be time to get out of bed and go get some soup! I swear, some of the best soups on earth are to be found in Salt Lake City...

   

Bludgeon

Posted on Friday, April 11th, 2008

Dave!


Bludgeoning Morons
Bludgeoning Morons
Bludgeoning Morons
Bludgeoning Morons
Bludgeoning Morons
Bludgeoning Morons
Bludgeoning Morons

   

   

Blame it on Friday.

Last Saturday when I was flying to Salt Lake City and had my first layover in Seattle, some crazy bitch sat down next to me and pulled out a book by an author I positively loathe. I'd go so far as to say that I hate this author, but I try really hard not to hate anybody. Suffice to say I dislike the author enough that it makes me want to rip the book out of crazy bitch's hands and beat her to death with it.

Except I try really hard not to be violent either.

In real life, anyway.

In cartoons I don't mind a little violence thrown in for entertainment value.

So as I sat there fuming that somebody paid money for a book that's filled with gross exaggerations, half-truths, blatant lies, and vile hatred... all in the name of selling books to morons who are too lazy to seek the truth and too stupid to care that they're being manipulated... I drew a cartoon.

Then decided it went too far and promptly filed it away, never to be seen again.

Until today.

Because I'm lazy, don't feel like blogging, and it's Friday.

But mostly because it's Friday.

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  45 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Cocoa

Posted on Monday, April 14th, 2008

Dave!Holy crap.

Am I the only one who thinks that Hillary Clinton has just reached the point where she is completely and totally unelectable? And if she keeps being a douche, Obama is going to be unelectable too. I guess this means that McCain is our next president. Oh well. I've had a pretty good life... I guess I'm okay with the Apocalypse in 2009.

But first I need to achieve world domination. And I'm thinking that I'll need a couple billion dollars to get that going.

Perhaps there's an opportunity in the gourmet hot cocoa market?

Davebucks Cocoa

I could serve super-expensive cocoa with a variety of configurations and flavorings!

I can hear it now...

"I'd like a grande half-soy vanilla blended cocoa with foam plus whip cream and pink sprinkles... extra hot!"

"That will be $8.00 please!"

Yeah, there's a billion dollar idea right there...

   

Bang

Posted on Friday, April 18th, 2008

Dave!


   

Dave Bang Your Head

   

   

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  19 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Strawberry

Posted on Saturday, April 19th, 2008

Dave!I didn't realize that my entry yesterday would result in a half-dozen emails and some comments asking what was wrong and if I was going to be okay.

I'm fine. I was just banging my head against the wall trying to think of something to blog about, and ultimately decided to blog about banging my head against the wall. But instead of writing about it, I drew up a DaveToon. I don't know why, but sometimes it's easier to express myself that way than trying to come up with the words.

Anyway, today I'm working on stuff for my Kick-Ass Blogiversary 5 Celebration next week. Since I can't really talk about that yet, there's nothing I could blog about except how I ate Hello Kitty strawberry cream dipping biscuits for breakfast...

Hello Kitty Biscuits

They're Hello Kitty delicious! That bitch really knows how to make breakfast!

Before I get back to work, I'd like to wish everybody who celebrates Passover a happy Seder tonight.

Mostly because it gives me an opportunity to reprint a nifty cartoon I drew for the occasion last year...

Dave Seder

I think every Passover needs a drunk monkey sommelier at the table... even if they do eat the Karpas off of everybody's Seder plate. Bad Monkey!

Categories: DaveToons 2008, Food 2008Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Dinner!

Posted on Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

Dave!Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Still working on the Artificial Duck Co. Store. I've got one more page to build and test before I can go online... probably tomorrow morning (this stuff is complicated!). The good news is that enough people expressed interest in the Blogography Playing Cards that I doubled my order and got some pretty sweet pricing. Hopefully a lot of people will want to buy them or else I'm going to be sitting on a LOT of cards for a very long time.

In other news... SHIRTS, BITCH!!

The winner (by quite a large margin) was MONKEY BUTTON!!!

Monkey Button

The runner-up (in a much closer race) was BAD MONKEY GYM!!!

Bad Monkey Gym

I will be printing both of them. The "Classic T-Shirts" will be kept in-stock. "Ladies Shirts" will be printed only to cover pre-orders, but not kept in stock. This is because they just don't seem to sell over the long-haul. I get a good enough initial order, but the rest of them just sit on the shelf.

In other good news, I've decided to re-stock ZOMBIES ATE MY BRAIN!!!

Zombies!

Zombies!

Entirely too many people keep asking me when I'm going to get these back in stock, so I've decided to order them with my next print run. I guess it just goes to show... everybody loves zombies!

The problem here is that I don't have enough space to store all these shirts.

So I'm going to put some of the older inventory shirts on close-out at ridiculous prices... $5 for "Classic Shirts" and $4 for "Ladies Shirts" while supplies last. Sure I'm going to lose money, but think of all the closet space I'll free up!

New designs will be on half-price pre-order pricing of $8.50 each (regular $17.00). That's to thank everybody for voting... and also apologize for having to wait until June for shipment.

But there is one small problem.

Usually I do not charge for an order until I ship it. The problem is that Yahoo! (the company who runs my shopping cart) deletes all credit card information after two weeks. If I were to wait until I ship in June, I wouldn't be able to collect the money. So, unfortunately, I'm put in the position of having to charge immediately for all the pre-orders. Hopefully this won't upset people too badly, but I don't really have any other choice.

And there you have it.

Totally sweet, awesome quality stuff at insanely low prices. Could you ask for anything more?

I love my readers entirely too much.

   

Dicks

Posted on Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Dave!Q: What's worse than having to spend 5 hours in a plane full of dicks?

A: Spending 5 hours on a plane full of dicks with an airline that serves TUNA FISH SNACK BOXES.


Plane Dicks with Tuna

Seriously. I love Alaska Airlines and all that... they are easily one of my favorite companies to fly with.

BUT HOW F#@%ING STUPID IS IT THAT THEY SERVE STINKY TUNA FISH IN AN ENCLOSED SPACE LIKE AN AIRPLANE?!?

Pretty stupid.

And nauseating.

And, as if that weren't enough of a crimp on my day, I found out this morning that the post office is changing postal rates on May 12th. So now I have to get all that figured out before I can open the Artificial Duck Co. Store for pre-orders.

This is shaping up to be a heck of a week.

   

Newyorkable

Posted on Thursday, May 1st, 2008

Dave!When the alarm clock went off at 4:30am, I was genuinely puzzled, because I didn't set the alarm. After managing to turn the stupid thing off, I noticed a strange itch starting inside the right-side of my tongue. Kind of like a mosquito bite, but without the mosquito. Thinking I must have bit my tongue in the middle of the night, I ignored it the best I could and fell back asleep.

So imagine my surprise when I woke up a few hours later to discover that the right-side of my tongue had swollen severely, and nearly filled my mouth. It had grown to about an inch thick for no apparent reason, but somehow didn't affect my breathing. It wasn't painful, but it was very, very uncomfortable.

Consulting Google searches, I eventually figured out this was most likely something called "Angiodema" which may be caused by an allergic reaction, or stress. Apparently there's nothing you can really do for it except take an anti-histamine until the swelling goes down. I decided to ignore it, thinking that stressing about it would only make things worse.

Fortunately, as the day wore on, my tongue started shrinking back to normal and is doing just fine now. Hopefully it stays that way.

After making our way from Newark Liberty Airport into the city, we checked into our hotel and then headed down the street to Rockefeller Plaza...

Vahid at Rockefeller Plaza

From there it was a quick subway ride shouth for a totally brilliant showing of Murakami artwork at The Brooklyn Museum. I am a huge, huge fan of Murakami, and his art has inspired a lot of things in the DaveToons I draw. Like this Murakami tribute I made using his happy flowers...

Murakami Dave!

You couldn't take photos in the exhibit, but there were some cool pieces outside in the lobby...

Murakami Exhibit

Murakami Exhibit

After the museum, we headed to the Upper-West Side to check out the Museum of Natural History and the Space Museum...

Museum of Natural History Planetarium

But the real highlight here is the dinosaurs... like this totally evil "Ann Coulter Fish," which I named because of the uncanny resemblance to the stupid bitch...

Ann Coulterfish

Of course the have real dinosaurs too, but they aren't quite as scary as the AnnCoulterFish...

Museum of Natural History

And, naturally, we had to pay homage to the Holy Land and visit the beautiful Apple Store Cube after walking through Central Park...

Apple Store Cube NYC

Back in Times Square, we noticed that Avitable must have enjoyed his pedicure immensely, because has apparently opened up a spa here in New York. It's nice to know that guys can finally have a place of their own to go be all pretty...

Spa Avitable!

And Naked Cowboy was, of course, there to sing along...

Naked Cowboy!

When the dinner hour came, we headed to a restaurant where we were trying to decide if we wanted to eat there or not. But as soon as I saw this...

Pasta Lovers

I was 100% sold on us eating there. Because of this...

Elizabeth Hurley Loves Pasta!

Yes... OMFG... ELIZABETH HURLEY ATE THERE!! Sweet! I could totally feel her presence!

All-in-all it was a pretty busy day.

Radio City Music Hall

I guess we'll see what excitement tomorrow brings.

   

Reopening

Posted on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

Dave!The Artificial Duck Co. Store will be reopening tomorrow, May 8th, at 12:00 noon, Seattle Time (click here to see when that is in your corner of the world).

It may be a week later than I had wanted (dang you TequilaCon!!), but things ended up being a lot more complicated than I had planned. It seemed that for every step in progress I made, something popped up to knock me back. Add the graphics... lose the text. Transfer the shipping table... have to update the postage costs. Publish the database... find a table has gone missing. It was enough to drive me insane.

But it's all done.

The only thing left to do is test everything in the morning to make sure it's working. Then we reopen at noon...

DAVETOON! Bad Monkey wearing an Artificial Duck T-Shirt while holding playing cards fanned out.

Finally.

   

In less-happy news...

Why is it that cool stuff always seems to happen just after I leave somewhere?

I left New York on Monday, so naturally today is the day that The Metropolitan Museum of Art decided to start an exhibit called Super-Heroes: Fashion and Fantasy...

The cover to the Super Fashion Guide exhibit book from The Met.

I'm not really into fashion, but I think it would be very cool to see how stuff from comic books has influenced clothing in Real Life. Oh well, it's open until September, so maybe I'll have a chance to see it before it's gone. If not, I'm hopeful that somebody at Geeks of Doom will review the show.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go to bed early and dream that a giant rock falls on Hillary Clinton.

NEWSFLASH: IT'S OVER!

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Angioedema

Posted on Thursday, May 15th, 2008

Dave!Ever have one of those days where everything sucks?.

Yeah, that was pretty much my day today... and tomorrow isn't looking like it's going to be much better.

But the big news? I've developed a serious allergy. It first appeared without warning when I woke up in New York with a swollen tongue. Ever since then, I've had random knots of allergic swelling from time to time on my feet, hands, lips, and tongue. It's been driving me a little nuts, but today the pieces finally fell into place after I started keeping a journal of everything I consume.

I think I'm allergic to eating food dyes.

After starting my journal, I've found that any time I've eaten colored foods, I end up with a welt somewhere. The first time it happened in New York City, I remember having drank a bottle of Orange Gatorade earlier in the day. Today I had red Fruit Punch with my Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes at Taco Bell, and now I've got a nice welt on my lip.

So it looks like my diet will be a lot less colorful from now on.

Like I said, suckage.

Thank heavens there's no artificial colors in chocolate pudding.

But there is one good bit of news from the day... I finally finished the box design for my playing cards!

Artificial Duck Co. Playing Cards box with Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey holding hands under a star-filled night sky.

Awwwww, cute! This is probably my favorite DaveToon I've ever drawn, so when it came time to decide what to put on the card box, it was the only thing I really considered. I hope that the card company does a good job of printing it!

For more information on Blogography Playing Cards, you can check them out at the Artificial Duck Co., store.

Next week I'll be wrapping up the pre-orders at the store... so, if you want something there, now is the time to order it! I will try to get a few extras of everything, but can't guarantee how long they'll be available. If you don't have the cash to pre-order right now, just email me and I'll try to reserve your stuff (my email is in the top of my sidebar).

Oog.

One. More. Day.

   

Polite

Posted on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

Dave!Working 19 hour-days has put me in a goofy brain-damaged kind of mood.

I finally got around to reading my email tonight and found that a young boy (with help from his mom) had written to tell me that it's not polite to chew with my mouth open.

This was scary-puzzling to me. Because not only am I'm an advocate for closed-mouth chewing, but I'm also horrified at the thought of small children stalking me. Not knowing what this kid was talking about or where he might have seen me, I wrote back and asked.

Turns out he wasn't writing to me, but to Lil' Dave...

Dave Corn

Hmmm... apparently my enthusiasm for corn is responsible for corrupting children by teaching them bad eating habits now.

See, there's a reason I tag my blog as containing adult content.

   

Faced

Posted on Friday, June 13th, 2008

Dave!Maintaining my smoldering hot looks is not as easy as you would think.

Especially when I occasionally have to get mutant oil glands electrocuted off my face. This is a completely horrible procedure which entails a visit to the dermatologist. Not because they're really noticeable or anything... but because they're annoying. They're like tiny little bumps that get caught on everything.

At first I was going to post a picture of my current post-electrocuted self, but I didn't want to scare people. Instead I decided to illustrate the procedure with DaveToons. I think it's safer for everybody involved.

First you get stabbed in the face repeatedly with a needle to numb the areas that are going to get electrocuted...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave getting stabbed in the face with a giant needle.

   

The numbing injections, as you would expect, sting like a muthafraker and numb your face. But they also leave the nasty white splotches everywhere...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave with white splotches.

   

As soon as you've been suitably numbed, the dermatologist uses an electric scalpel to carve up your face. It's kind of like an arc-welder, where a fine-tipped instrument shoots jolts of electricity that cuts and cauterizes at the same time. The cauterization is kind of cool, because it means you don't leave the office a bloody mess. Instead you leave with little scorch marks all over...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave with white splotches and scorch marks.

   

The next morning your white splotches are gone, and only the little burnt scabs remain. But once you take a shower, the scabs fall off. This leaves your face a bleeding mess for a few hours (this is the stage I'm at now)...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave with bleeding facial wounds.

   

After a few days, the morning bloodletting subsides and you're left with little pink scars...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave with little pink scars.

   

Since the scars are superficial, they fade away in about three weeks, revealing my hot sexy self once again...

Dave Hotness

   

And there you have it. See the kind of stuff I have to go through in order to be pretty for you?

   

Armageddon

Posted on Saturday, June 14th, 2008

Dave!Because it's Pride Month, I was all set to write a nice entry about gay marriage in support of my GLBT friends. I've already blogged my support previously, but that was a while ago, and I thought I would come up with something new. But this time, I didn't just want to ramble on uninformed... I thought I would do some actual research.

So last night while I was listening to online radio, I started poking around. I had always heard that FOX News was "fair and balanced," so I decided to start there.

Nothing could prepare me for what I learned. Apparently there's a "gay agenda" set to demolish the sanctity of marriage and tear apart society. The Gays are hellbent (heh heh) on destroying us all.

Words cannot express the horrors I've discovered. Thus, I've sketched out the future of all humanity on a series of cocktail napkins while drowning my sorrows in cheap alcohol...

Honey, I'm home! - Oh darling, it's horrible... we have new neighbors!
What's wrong? Are the black? - No! It's worse! They're gay!
Gay? Well at least their yard will be well-kept! - You don't understand, they're married!
MARRIED?!? We've built our lives on beliefs so fragile that any contrary belief will destroy them... so marriage is MEANINGLESS! It's over!!
WHAT? Where are you going? - So long... good luck with your life!
WOOOO! (partying with hookers)
WOOOO! (fucking a sheep)
WOOOO! (fucking a pig)
WOOOO! (view of earth from space)
KABOOOM!!! (the earth explodes)
THE END! (of the entire universe)

And there you have it...

GAY MARRIAGE = THE END OF THE UNIVERSE!

Vote your conscience.

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  45 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Fourthitude

Posted on Friday, July 4th, 2008

Dave!Don't anybody go lighting their house on fire tonight...


DAVETOON: Bad Monkey and Lil' Dave playing with sparklers while fireworks go off in the night sky... Happy Independence Day, USA!

   

   

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Wedded

Posted on Saturday, July 5th, 2008

Dave!Much happiness to you both!


DAVETOON: Atomic Bombshell and JordaNinja Married Today!

   

   

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  10 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Melt

Posted on Tuesday, July 8th, 2008

Dave!I'm so tired that my brain has melted. Zombie time.


DAVETOON: Zombie Davewalker

   

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  10 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Shipper

Posted on Monday, July 14th, 2008

Dave!Blaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!

It's 11:00pm and I just finished the last of the orders I can fill from the Artificial Duck Co. Store. Basically, if your order doesn't have playing cards, it will ship tomorrow (that's 106 orders total). If your order does have playing cards... hopefully they will arrive when I get back from Atlanta so I can ship all remaining orders then. If the playing cards aren't waiting for me when I get back, they'll have to ship when I return from San Diego. So... barring any catastrophe (e.g. the plane carrying my cards crashes into the Pacific Ocean) all orders will have shipped by the end of the month!

Thanks so much to Artificial Duck Co. customers for your patience.

I had no idea that when I decided to make my own playing cards that it would be such a big frickin' deal. I foolishly assumed that the three months I spent drawing them would be the hard part. How wrong I was. I've now gone through three different companies and have experienced every conceivable problem... twice... since I placed my first order for them BACK IN FEBRUARY!!!

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey whistles on the Two of Hearts Card

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey in love on the Five of Hearts Card

Given the total disaster I've had trying to get my playing cards manufactured, you can understand why I'm already getting merchandise ideas together for my Blogiversary VI celebration next April. Two of the items are just killer, and I hope they work out because I want them pretty bad (even though they'll probably bankrupt me to have them made).

And now it's time to pack my suitcase.

I sure hope I can get even a few hours sleep tonight.

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

SoCal

Posted on Monday, July 21st, 2008

Dave!Later this week I will be taking off for Southern California to experience Comic-Con 2008 in San Diego. Believe it or not, I've never been before, so I am really looking forward to it. The entire convention is sold-out for all four days but, fortunately, I bought my tickets and made my hotel reservations way early, so I think I'm good to go!

The only problem is trying to figure out which events I want to attend. Sure there are some things I'd like to see... but there's nothing so life-altering happening that I absolutely have to do it. With that in mind, I think I'll just play it by ear and wander around until something looks interesting to me.

I take that back... there is, of course ONE event that is positively unmissable, and that would be Dave Diego on Saturday night!

DAVETOON: Poster for Dave Diego on July 26th!

w00t!

If you will be in the vicinity of San Diego and like to drop by to eat, drink, and chat with a swell group of bloggers... please email me at dave@blogography.com ASAP so we can make reservations for dinner and get you a name badge!

And now for two more days of torture before good times begin...

   

Peaceful

Posted on Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

Dave!As I had mentioned a couple times before, the small town where I live has a weekly anti-war protest in the center of town at the main intersection. It's usually just two or three people holding up signs with Bible scriptures and Jesus quotes promoting peace. The reaction from the locals here is not exactly pleasant.

Today one reaction was positively hostile.

As I was driving through downtown, I heard the moron two cars ahead of me revving the engine of his massive pick-up truck (stereotype much?) as he approached the protestors, heading straight at them. I guess the joke was supposed to be that he (or she!) was going to run them down on the sidewalk.

HA! HA! HA! HA!

Yeah, that's hysterical.

Because wanting peace is so stupid!

Apparently if you disagree with somebody, that give you the right to terrorize them?

I felt bad for the two ladies there, so I flashed them a peace-sign as I drove by...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey dressed up as hippies.

Bleh.

The credit card company finally unfrozed my account this afternoon so I could send the remainder of the orders I have stacked up. I got through 38 of them before the post office closed, leaving 27 for tomorrow.

After those are gone, there are about 30 orders left waiting for the missing "Monkey Button Ladies T-Shirt" to arrive. They were supposed to be here yesterday or today, but didn't show up. If they don't arrive tomorrow, I will send the orders out anyway and back-order the shirt until I get back from Davecago, Dave Louis, and Dave Lake City.

Oog. That reminds me... I need to pack.

   

Neverwas

Posted on Tuesday, August 12th, 2008

Dave!A couple of months ago Avitable filled me in on the plans for his annual Halloween Party Bash, which I had attended the previous year. It seemed impossible that he could outdo himself, given how amazing things turned out last time, but he was working hard to do just that. He began with the theme The Neverwas Fair, and started building around the idea of an old-time sideshow carnival... with a creepy edge to it. And he wanted me to design a T-shirt he could use for fundraising.

It seemed the least I could do.

At first I wanted to do something dark and macabre... kind of grungy, dirty and twisted. Perhaps in charcoal and spattered ink. I had images of a ringmaster holding out his hat with snakes and spiders escaping from it. Maybe a circus tent in the background with an assortment of scary circus performers.

But everybody in the blogosphere associates me with the simple DaveToons I draw here, not the works I do "in real life," so I begrudgingly set aside my dark fantasies and grab a pencil and legal pad to do something entirely different. I still liked the idea of a ringmaster, so I decided I'd make a DaveToon Avitable ringmaster, and populate the background with cute DaveToon circus folk.

Here's the initial pencil sketch, which you can make bigger by clicking on it...

Pencil sketch of my Avitable Halloween Party Shirt.

If you want to see the final design, it's over at Avitable's blog. He's got a pretty sweet contest going, so you might want to check it out.

If you want to see the steps of how the design was made, I've got that documented in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  47 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Sleepynighnighttime

Posted on Thursday, August 14th, 2008

Dave!   


   

Seriously, I haven't slept in three days. Wish me luck!

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Intestinal

Posted on Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

Dave!Turns out that when all you can eat is crappy stuff like carrots and rice cakes, you don't really have much of an appetite.

I spent much of the day forcing myself to eat tiny meals at 2 hour intervals so I stay full, but most of the time I just wasn't interested. Pineapple slices, almonds and apple juice for breakfast. Rice cake and raisins for after-breakfast snack. An apple and Pineapple-Orange juice for before-lunch snack. A salad with grape tomatoes, tofu, and Vinaigrette plus a rice cake and water for lunch. Carrots and almonds as an after-lunch snack. A banana as a before-dinner snack. Rice cakes with Spanish rice and tomatoes on top plus mango-pineapple juice for dinner.

And I never wanted to eat any of it, because none of it sounded remotely tempting (though it all tasted okay).

But that's alright. Because tomorrow I have to drive to Spokane and I will cheat on my restrictive diet. I will cheat because Spokane is home to the best pizza on earth, and I would rather die than visit there and not eat some of it. But I will only have one slice, and I won't drink a soda with it, so hopefully it won't mess things up too much.

Nobody tell my doctor.

A lot of people made note of what I'm eating and were concerned about two things... protein and my bowels.

The protein isn't too big of a deal. This diet is only a two-week trial, and I'm eating almonds and tofu to make sure I don't collapse.

And my bowels are fine, thank you for asking.

Apparently many people commented that eating all those fruit and vegetables would cause "intestinal distress," yet I've experienced no such problems. But the week is young. This is not to say I won't be giving a presentation or something when all of a sudden my bowels act up...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave giving a presentation.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave's stomache rumbles.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave starts farting.

   

Then I guess my ass is just supposed to explode all over the place...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave's ass explodes and shit splats on the wall.

As fun as that all sounds, I think my bowels will be happy to keep it all contained.

At least I hope so.

Wouldn't it be horrible to be driving in the middle of nowhere (i.e. Eastern Washington State) and have your ass explode?

Categories: DaveToons 2008, Food 2008Click To It: Permalink  33 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Reach

Posted on Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

Dave!

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey Looking at a "Hope" balloon flying out of reach.

   

   

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  31 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

AustFrancisco

Posted on Thursday, September 4th, 2008

Dave!This morning I had to unblock the FOX News Channel on my TiVo so I could tell it to record =shudder= The O'Reilly Factor tonight. This goes against my policy of unnecessarily exposing myself to lying dumbass fucktards, but I'm hoping the horror of having to watch Bill O'Reilly will be offset by the person he's interviewing: Barack Obama. If O'Reilly will shut his stupid mouth long enough to let Obama speak, it should be a fascinating show.

Still, I fully plan on slamming no less than three shots of Jägermeister and having a Rum & Root Beer handy to take the edge off.

It's times like this that make me wish hardcore drugs were cheap and easily available. And legal, of course.

Are you a dick?

In happier news, the dates for the blogger meet-ups in Austin and San Francisco have been set.

DAVETOON: Davestin: Austin Event on October 3rd.

DAVETOON: DaveFrancisco: San Francisco Event on October 18th.

If you'd like to come along and hang out with some extraordinary blogging-type people, then please send me an email at dave@blogography.com

Hmmm... O'Reilly starts at 5:00. I wonder how early I should start drinking?

   

Facing

Posted on Wednesday, September 24th, 2008

Dave!

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave holding up a mask with a smiley face on it, covering his own face.

   

   

   

Politico

Posted on Thursday, October 9th, 2008

Dave!Please, can the election be over now so we can all just get on with our lives?


DAVETOON: Lil' Dave asking for votes while being showered with money.

   

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that none of this financial mess would be happening if I were absolute ruler of the earth.

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Fair

Posted on Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

Dave!Is same-sex marriage a right to ones pursuit of happiness? Or is same-sex marriage the end of the universe? I honestly don't know. It's hard to say which it is when marriage can be so many things to so many people.

Marriage can be marrying somebody for money.

Marriage can be marrying somebody for citizenship.

Marriage can be marrying somebody for power.

Marriage can be marrying somebody for obligation.

Marriage can be marrying somebody for security.

Marriage can be marrying somebody for image.

Marriage can be marrying somebody for convenience.

Marriage can be hundreds of things that have nothing to do with love, but it's all okay under the eyes of the law.

Yet California's "Marriage Protection Act" Proposition 8 is saying two people who are actually in love shouldn't be able to get married if they have the same genitalia. That's not "protecting marriage"... it's discrimination against two tax-paying, consenting adults. And it's not fair. If people born straight get to marry who they want, then that same right should extend to people born gay or else it's discrimination. It doesn't matter what anybody believes, it's about what's fair.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey holding signs saying vote no on prop 8.

Fair is good.

We need more good things in the world right now.

I hope voters in California think so too.

Get the facts.

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  51 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Dated

Posted on Thursday, October 16th, 2008

Dave!The latest meme du jour is to tell about your worst date ever.

Unfortunately, my "worst" date contains classified information, so I can't spill the beans on that until the statute of limitations expire. What I can do is talk about my second-worst date. Compared to some of the stories I've read by other bloggers, it's relatively tame... but it does have vomit in it, which should be grounds for immediate qualification... shouldn't it?

Lucky for me I already blogged about it a couple of years ago, so I get to cut and paste today's entry. This is good, because I have to get up in 4-1/2 hours so I can drive to the airport. Stupid early morning flights.

Anyway...

When talking about "worst dates," I am reminded of a time I attempted to build a relationship while battling a migraine headache AND being nauseated by The Special Pills. It all started when I was set up on a date with a girl who I really, really liked... but from a distance. I didn't know her very well at all. A mutual friend asked her if she wanted to go out with me, and she said something like "oh, he's funny!" and agreed. But, on the day we decided on dinner and a movie, I was hit with a huge migraine. Desperately not wanting to break our date for fear I would never get another one, I doped up on The Special Pills and went on my way. Dinner was painful. She talked and talked and talked about... well, nothing, really. My head was throbbing, and she simply would not stop talking. After paying the check I went to the bathroom so I could throw up. Then we drove to the movie with her talking all the way... I was SO looking forward to the film starting in anticipation of finally getting some peace and quiet. Alas, it was not to be. She talked through the entire film...

Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah
*Those unfamiliar with internet-speak can get an "O RLY" explanation here.

It was the longest night of my life. Puking in the bathroom was actually a hilight. The funny thing was that she thought the date went great, and asked my friend if I would be asking her out again. Sure she was fun to look at, but the thought of having to endure another night of her non-stop talking without guarantee of a sexual return was more than I could take. I didn't make just one excuse to get out of asking her out again, I made five.

One day I should be reminded to write about my third-worst date. It has Vaseline in it... but not in the way you might be thinking.

   

Excitement

Posted on Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

Dave!It was an eventful day.

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey eating a banana

   

Here's hoping tomorrow is equally exciting!

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  9 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Politican’t

Posted on Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

Dave!I can't take it anymore. It's to the point where I don't even care who wins... just make the stupid-ass political ads stop. There is no way that any of the candidates out there deserve to be rewarded with a vote after the way their campaigns have behaved. Particularly for Washington State Governor... both of these ass-hats need to be beaten... severely. They all do.

Davepoliticalad

And Washington isn't even a swing-state! I can't imagine how annoying the ads must be in Florida, Pennsylvania, or Ohio right now.

Politics in this country suck ass.

   

Vote!

Posted on Friday, October 24th, 2008

Dave!It's time!

The people who will be representing YOU in our government are being elected RIGHT NOW.

Lil' Dave would like to remind everybody to get out and vote! Many States even allow you to vote early so you don't have to stand in lines come November 4th.

Davevote

   

Bad Monkey would like to remind everybody that even if you're not registered to vote, you can still take place in the democratic process by smearing the candidate you like least with lies, exaggerations, and rumors.

Monkeyvote

Isn't democracy great?

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  10 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Punkins

Posted on Friday, October 31st, 2008

Dave!

DAVETOON: A row of Halloween pumpkins.

   

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  8 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Obama

Posted on Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

Dave!

Daveflags

   

Congratulations, President Elect Barack Obama!

Don't fuck it up...

   

Legacy

Posted on Thursday, November 6th, 2008

Dave!

DAVETOON: President Bush says "I'm bummed my legacy is Worst President Ever!"

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave says "Don't let the door hit you on the ass come January 20th!" Bush says "January 20th?!?"

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave says "GAH! Forget I said anything!" Bush says "Get me Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on the phone!"

DAVETOON: Bush invites Iraqi President to Christmas dinner with Israeli Prime Minister for pork roast.

   

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Greatness

Posted on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

Dave!I am quite possibly the greatest person to have ever lived, and will undoubtedly continue to be so until the end of time.

I put that out there because the blogosphere seems to be all introspective and analytical on themselves lately, and I thought that I'd jump on board. It's easy for me because I am so sublimely perfect. I don't shy away from taking a deep, penetrating look at myself because the outcome is always the same... I am a really terrific person. Smart, funny, witty, charming, clever, accomplished, loyal, logical, creative, kind, helpful, friendly, trustworthy, humble... they're all words you could use to describe me, and the list goes on and on. It just doesn't get much better than me.

But I'm boring you with things you already know.

Not that I could ever be boring! Heavens no! I'm just being redundant.

Though I'm not being redundant because I don't think you're smart enough to get it the first time around... perish the thought! You're nifty! I like you! And coming from a person like me, that's saying a lot. You should feel really special. Because you are special. I like you, so how could you not be?

If I have one failing, it's that I'm too giving.

I'm a giver.

Just look at this blog! I write here every day because people demand it. People just love me, and who am I to deny sharing a bit of myself with them? But I don't need to tell you that. You're here reading this, so you already know how much you love me!

Guess I should add "modest" to the massive list of traits that describe how great I am.

Now if only somebody would build that fifty-story monument to my awesomeness that I've always wanted, we could all move on with our lives... secure in the knowledge that future generations will be able to partake in my legacy of greatness...

DAVETOON: Giant Monument to Dave's Greatness

Now, don't you feel a little better about yourself because you've read Blogography today?

Sure you do! Life is good because I'm in it!

   

One last thing before I go... does anybody know where my car keys are? I could have sworn I had them when I drove home from work...

   

UPDATE: DING! DING! DING! DING! We have a winner...

An unapproved comment has been posted on your blog Blogography, for entry #3612 (Idiopathic). You need to approve this comment before it will appear on your site.
   
I think you're having an allergic reaction to your ego. Good luck with that.
   
Commenter name: True
Commenter email address: whatever@fu.com
Commenter URL:
Commenter IP address: 204.120.18.81

Thank you clueless anonymous commenter in Minnesota! I was beginning to think that we wouldn't get that one person who has no concept of sarcastic humor!

   

Devilish

Posted on Tuesday, November 18th, 2008

Dave!

   
   
   
   

Little Devil Monkey

   
   
   
   
   
   
Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  13 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Gravy

Posted on Thursday, November 27th, 2008

Dave!I drew this DaveToon last year. Since it still sums up everything I feel about the holiday, I'm running it again this year...

Daveturkeyday

   

   

Still not a good day for turkeys, obviously.

   

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Laziness

Posted on Wednesday, December 10th, 2008

Dave!How does anything ever get done in this country? Every time I work on a project now-a-days, I run into so many obstacles that completing stuff is nothing short of a miracle. A lot of times I can chalk it up to laziness. Nobody wants to do their job... especially if it inconveniences them in any way. Heaven forbid you make somebody actually get up off their ass and do something. I'm forever getting hosed by crazy shit like "union jurisdiction" and "departmental authority" and whatever other crap people can dream up to pass their work off to somebody else.

You'd think with the bad job market we've got now that people would be working harder.

Alas, it just isn't so.

In other news...

DAVETOON: Dave's mugshot on the local newspaper.

We haven't even had our first snow yet, and people are are driving like complete idiots. I always thought it had to do with road conditions, but I guess it's just the time of year?

All I know is that a lot of people out there on the road need to die.

Categories: DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink  11 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Priesthood

Posted on Friday, December 26th, 2008

Dave!While I was at SeaTac airport waiting for my flight, they announced that there was marginal weather in Wenatchee, and we may have to turn around and come back to Seattle if the pilot couldn't see the runway. After a week of being unable to get home, I really didn't want to go through that again, so I was pretty bummed out.

As I was looking for a seat, I noticed a guy praying the rosary, which I found a little strange because he was kind of young, and I didn't know that Catholics really did much of that outside of church anymore. Not that I was complaining... every little bit helps in these situations... yet it still seemed odd to me.

But then I noticed that he was a priest, which explained everything.

After two more warnings about the weather getting worse and several annoying delays because Horizon Air was understaffed and trying to cram too many flights through a single gate, we boarded the plane. At which time we got even more warnings about weather problems in Wenatchee. But there was a priest on-board, so it's not like I could scream " GAAAAAH! NO SHIT! JUST FLY THE FUCKING PLANE, DAMMIT!!!"

And yet... we landed without incident. The runway was perfectly clear.

If I would have known having a priest on-board was the answer, I would have joined up last week...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave dressed as a priest.

Of course, I wouldn't be satisfied with just being a priest, I'd have to fulfill my ambition of becoming Pope...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave dressed as the Pope.

Except I don't think I would have room for my pope hat on the plane, which explains why the Pope never flies commercial.

Oh well. I'm home now.

For a month.

Hopefully.

   

Boxes

Posted on Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

Dave!All the world seems to want nothing more than to stay contained inside the little box they call their life. They don't want to venture out... they certainly don't want anything new or different coming in. And the minute you try to cut a small hole in their box so you can say hello or share an idea, they've got the duct tape out to plaster over it. This wouldn't be too bad except these same people are intent of keeping everybody else confined in little boxes too...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave in a Box

The worst part is that you don't even get to choose your own container, other people pick it for you. The best you can do is decorate the inside of your box with cool stickers and stuff.

But I ran out of stickers years ago.

And now I'm just tired.

I am so tired of being trapped in this box I've been stuffed into.

   

Or, to put it another way... why? Why won't they let me order breakfast at McDonalds after 10:30?

   

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