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Killer

Posted on Monday, September 25th, 2006

Dave!Blargh!

I don't know if it's because I've been in pain and have had an overwhelming work load or what... but lately I've been wanting to destroy quite a lot of people. It seems that just about everybody I meet is in desperate need of dying and I have no idea what to do about it.

Except kill them, of course.

But, in addition to laws that frown upon such activities, I also try to live my life according to Buddhist principles which are opposed to killing for any reason. Even if the person is incredibly stupid and deserves it. Stewie on The Family Guy always makes death and destruction look like so much fun, so perhaps I should give up my beliefs and get into politics?

Dave Stewie

Something has to be done.

Because this morning I woke up very early, worked for a while, then decided to take a nap before going into the office. It was a great plan which, unfortunately, was foiled by the dumbass geriatric husband & wife neighbors who like to scream at each other. Usually I can ignore them, but this time they woke me up up and I was furious. I tore open the window and screamed "SHUT THE F#@% UP!" in their direction, hoping that they would at least have the decency to go inside and tear into each other like normal people.

Little did I know that some of my elderly neighbors were observing the mayhem directly under my window.

All of a sudden I was the new topic of conversation, which hasn't happen since my car alarm went off eight months ago. This opens a new can of worms that I really don't want, so I decide to give up on sleeping and hop in the shower before one of them decides to come knocking.

When I leave, the old couple has found something new to yell about, and one of the neighbors is waiting. "Was that you with all the screaming this morning?" she asks. "No ma'am" I reply, "I think you have me confused with our neighbors." This is not the answer she wanted because, of course, she knows it was me but, short of calling me a liar, all she can say is "Well, some people around here need to be watching their mouth!"

Yeah, she needed to die quite badly too.


Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. no3ik says:

    LMAO!
    sometimes u want to say these things in real life!!
    but u cant.
    i think its great that u did :p and got away with it.
    hope ur neighbours sort things out soon so u can sleep well ;p

  2. Kyra says:

    There are reasons why living way out in the country is better than the city – neighbors being paramount. AND, if the “neighbors” out here (usually consisting of cows, wolves, mountian lions, deer, turkey and moose) DO start up a ruckus, they’re about as willing to listen as any jerk in a city is (i.e. not at all). But at least when they ignore ME yelling out the window to shut up, I can try to comfort myself by saying

    1) They’re just animals, and don’t understand.
    2) Hunting season isn’t too far off, and it IS legal then.

  3. Avitable says:

    Before I even read your post, I was thinking: “Boy, that looks just like Stewie!”

    Nicely done.

  4. Kristin says:

    I just love it when your flashbacks have flashbacks in them.

    p.s. I have some chain-smoking, dog-neglecting neighbors (“Leash law? What leash law? Dog poop? What dog poop? 24-7 barking? I don’t hear anything.”) that need to die over here, too, so next time you’re in the neighborhood…

  5. Charred says:

    I’d have said, “No kidding. How rude can you get, having an argument that early in the morning. You’d think people that old would have more respect for their neignbors! What a couple of (*@&#^$s!!!,” and seen how the old bat handled that!

  6. adena says:

    Why, exactly, do you live in “Shady Acres Retirement Villa”?

  7. RW says:

    Now Dave, you touched on the fact that the true Buddhist-inspired response to the situation was not what you did. You KNOW this, in your heart. And when you and I sat at that tapas place in Chicago your last trip in I even said – in words to the effect – do you really think a Westerner can duplicate the Buddhist mindset? Remember? We talked about the oriental and the occidental wisdom traditions and the cultural underpinnings of all that, and why a Westerner would pick the Buddhist worldview. And if it were possible to maintain.

    The “right response” would be to let the argument that disturbed you just wash over you. Let it flow toward and then through you. Meditate to a point of zero thought matter. No thoughts at all. Meditate to nothingness, grasshopper.

    But no. You turned into Rambo Buddha. This is just not cool. You realize, of course, that by doing what you did you have locked yourself into at least seven more lives as a graphic artist from the States, don’t you?

    Well nice going there Holmes. You’ve really done it this time!

  8. Dave2 says:

    No3ik… Ah, but I can… and I did!

    Kyra… Fortunately, the horses in my back yard just shut up and eat the grass, so I’m going to let them live… for now. :-)

    Avitable… Stewie totally rules. He has eclipsed just about every other cartoon character (including Cartman!) for my favorite.

    Kristin… I have a feeling that once you cross that line, you would have a hard time stopping. So, no worries, I’d be happy to “take care” of your neighbors for you. :-)

    Charred… I’d probably be evicted. Not that this would exactly be a bad thing…

    Adena… I work at home from time to time, and wanted a place where it would be quiet without all you darn kids and your rock-n-roll music and your Donny Osmond! Little did I know that deaf old people make far more noise than any crack-head college student ever could. :-(

    RW… Well, I didn’t actually kill anybody, so I’d say that I am doing pretty good here! I just blog about it, get it off my chest, and it’s gone! Potty mouth is “wrong-speaking” (and against Buddhist precepts) but I’ll get over it. :-P

  9. Mark says:

    Mmmm, I love the taste of my own foot in the morning.

  10. nick sizzle says:

    dave, this story made me laugh and laugh and laugh…

  11. Anonymous says:

    Man you had me ROTFLOL..! Early Morning..!

    ..but then, it’s always this good with your posts!
    As for moi, i carry this invisible shotgun – with special Torture Attachments. When i feel i’ve seen people so full’ov sh!T that their eyes’re brown; i just cock back, aim and shoot!! Mentally.. ;)

    ..then of course, as if nothing happened. I walk away.

    Get well soon, keep killin’ ’em f#€%ers! :D

  12. Erin says:

    Stewie may just be the best cartoon character in the history of TV. I love the Stewie Davetoon – great job replicating the angst!

    It cracks me up that you denied being the one who yelled out the window point blank when the little (loud) old lady asked you about it. You’ve more nerve than I do, that’s for sure. Who do they think they are, with their prunes and Price Is Right in the mornings?!? Glad you set them straight. Then again, maybe they just lost their hearing aids. That tends to up their volume exponentially.

  13. EDDIE says:

    Luckly the apartment I live, I can call the manager or the security if I had that kind of situation. They take care of the problem pretty fast.
    (I think Buddah would call the police.) :-)

  14. delmer says:

    What would disturb you more? Yelling coming from the geriatric couple or non-stop headboard banging coming from their bedroom through the wall at all hours … accompanied by a bit of screaming?

    (Old people making love, I’m sure, is a beautiful thing. It would be the ‘non-stop’ headboard banging that would be troubling. You’d have to be concerned for their health.)

  15. Jon says:

    Thanks for reminding me of one of the benefits of being deaf…I can sleep through almost anything!

    I’m usually the neighbor that other people complain about because, from time to time, various things in my apartment make noise, and since I’m unaware of it, I don’t correct it. Thankfully, nobody has tried to kill me yet (as far as I know).

  16. amanda says:

    Dude…even if you are experiencing violent thoughts, at least you’d make a cute Stewie. The daveToon this morning is excellent.

    Hope today is better than yesterday…

  17. I live next to a bar, and the level of intoxication in some when departing at closing makes for some fun 2:30 a.m. times. I have regularly shamed myself in the name of attempting to quiet them. Although, one of my readers suggested pissing on them. But that would make me the Uri-Bomber. Plus, it would be harder for a girl to accomplish this.

    Wow. I should totally not comment before 10:00 a.m.
    Sorry.

  18. jenny says:

    Stewie-Dave might be my new favorite!

  19. Bryan says:

    I love the Stewie Dave-toon!

  20. Laurence says:

    Oh, Lil Dave looks like haribo’s angry boy (except haribo’s boy is never angry) !!!

    What ! You don’t know Haribo ?
    Haribo is a German company that makes gummy candies and ships them mostly to Europe.
    Haribo’s boy is never angry because he always sings :
    “Haribo, c’est beau la vie, pour les grands et les petits!”
    “Haribo! It’s a beautiful life, for adults and children!”

    Maybe, he should sing this song to your neighbors.
    “Fraise tagada” could calm them !!!
    http://www.leplaisirgourmand.fr/images/119.gif

  21. lol lol lol, dave got scolded by an old bag. ;)

  22. Bec says:

    Just the perfect Halloween outfit!

  23. kapgar says:

    I hear there is a doctor and a deuce of nurses from New Orleans that will soon be in need of jobs. Perhaps you can lure them up to Washington.

  24. Wayne Hall says:

    Why is it we keep getting more and more reasons to kill people? I mean, this morning I hear about this horrendous story of some teens feeding kittens to a pit bull and when a neighbor tried to stop it, the dog’s owner attacked *her*. Much as I hate to say it, sometimes I daydream about some proper vigilante justice.

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