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Stoned

Posted on Monday, June 4th, 2012

Dave!Last night as I was sitting down to dinner, I had some unexpected pains shooting through my groin. "Well, this can't be good!" I said out loud to nobody in particular.

And, sure enough, it wasn't... because a couple hours later it felt as though I was pissing razor blades through my urethra. "That's funny," I mused... "I don't recall buying a diseased crack-whore recently!" Though, to be fair, my memory isn't quite what it used to be, so I went to bed wondering if I was going to end up with a prescription for penicillin and a frowny-face in my medical record next to some exotic STD.

Then, sometime around 4:00am, I awoke to agonizing pain shooting through my John Thomas.

Seriously, it felt as if my unit had been sliced open... turned inside-out... and then had lemon juice poured on it.

Hobbling to the toilet, I was fully expecting my wanger to explode into shredded streamers like a party popper...

Party Popper Popped!
Image from Yatego Shopping.

But instead... a kidney stone dropped out, and the pain instantly subsided.

Yes, somehow I had a kidney stone and never even knew it. That's because usually a kidney stone starts causing excruciating pain long before it gets to the end of the line...

Dave Filtration Model

Usually, I am in total agony as the stone travels from my "Dual Water Filters" (kidneys) to my "Water Bucket" (bladder) all the way through the "Sensitive Tubing" (urethra) and out my Massive Nozzle (wiener)... which can take days. This time I didn't feel a damn thing until the bastard made it to my "Sensitive Tubing."

Which is very odd (but totally welcome because it saved me several pain-filled days in bed). Guess I'm just lucky that this got cleared up in time for me to take an early drive over to Seattle for work this morning.

But was it alone? Or can I be expecting a buddy to start causing hideous amounts of pain any minute now...

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Comments

  1. I’m glad you passed it. Without passing out. With your massive nozzle in your hand in a public restroom.

    And for the record, I love the cartoon description of the liquid waste disposal unit.

  2. LeSombre says:

    Dude, that seems to happen to you way too frequently. You should have your massive nozzle checked.

    Also, see a doctor will you?

    ;-)

  3. the muskrat says:

    I am so glad I’ve never had one of these. I watched my buddy get them while we were in Iraq. It didn’t look fun.

  4. Ian says:

    Oh my god! This post gave me that empty hollow experience in the pit of my stomach. I am so sorry for you!

  5. kapgar says:

    Those rocky little bastards must be contagious within you. So do you keep the stone to give to your doc for testing?

  6. Megan says:

    Did you have to use John Thomas? That made me giggle, and I don’t want to giggle at your pain.

    And now I’m singing…

  7. That Ray Guy says:

    Having suffered the pains of kidney stones myself, I got real worried when I thought you wrote about your UVULA and wondered even more about the “crack-whore” comments. But now that I’ve re-read the post I think I get it. Oh, and just so you know (I was in gym class in high school) guys “Giant Nozzles” don’t look anything like yours – OK.

  8. Steve in NH says:

    That’s good that it passed so quickly. A massive schlong helps — cruises right through the last section after the cheap and sensitive soft tubing. I’m just sayin’: I have had numerous stones and never felt a thing. Yeah, right. Here’s hoping it’s the last for a while.

  9. Invader_Stu says:

    Ouch. I hope for you it was alone.

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