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Unleashed!

Posted on Tuesday, October 9th, 2012

Dave!Today when I checked my grandmother's mail, a small DVD package fell out. The interesting thing about it was not that she doesn't own a DVD player to see it... but that it's a movie promising to fill you in on "what the future holds."

And what a future it is...

Revelation Unleashed!

I don't know about you, but I am totally stoked that the future is going to look like a heavy metal album cover! How fucking awesome is that? A bunch of cool stuff that doesn't even exist today is going to be coming soon!

  • Leopards running around with three extra heads and two pairs of wings stuck on!
  • Lions with wings that are way too small to ever lift their weight and fly, but look badass!
  • Bears running around with bloody ribs in their mouth!
  • And... here's the big one... DINOSAURS ARE BACK!!

Needless to say, I ran to my DVD player to pop this bad boy on my television. I didn't even make popcorn I was so excited.

Unfortunately, there were no dinosaurs and winged lions to be found. It's just a recording of a guy giving a sermon on the same world-ending Bible prophesies that people have been sermonizing for the past 2000 years ("No, seriously! This time it is REALLY happening!"). Having read The Bible and studied The Book of Revelation, I found the movie to be pretty boring, so I turned it off and watched The Avengers again. That movie is so kick-ass that I can't watch it enough times!

Which made me realize that they really should have gotten Josh Whedon to direct Revelation Unleashed. Maybe he would have put The Hulk and Iron Man in there to fight the bears, dinosaurs, lions, and leopards. And that future? I would totally watch that.

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Comments

  1. Invader_Stu says:

    Plus the wings look like they are coming out of the lions neck instead of it’s body. That would give it some major back and neck problems.

  2. Matt Westergard says:

    Dave!! Why didn’t you watch the entire DVD! THIS guy knows what he’s talking about! Can’t you tell by the album cover?

  3. I would have totally bought this album back in the day, just because of the cover. That’s how I roll. ;-)

  4. Nate says:

    Hahahah! This is badass. Love it.

  5. the muskrat says:

    I would’ve done the same thing had I found this awesome DVD cover in the mail!

  6. martymankins says:

    OMG, I totally snorted out loud with the line:
    “… but I am totally stoked that the future is going to look like a heavy metal album cover!”

    Sad to hear it was a boring mouth breathing fear monger.

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