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Posted on Tuesday, November 15th, 2011

Dave!My car has always been a piece of shit.

But thanks to Saturn going out of business a couple years ago, it's now a worthless piece of shit.

Considering I'd probably have to pay somebody to take it off my hands, I'd even go so far as to say it's less than worthless. And now even more things are starting to go wrong with it. The latest is that the alarm goes off when somebody farts in the vicinity of my car or I have to shut it down. Not all the time... just some of the time. Like tonight.

The first thing I do is look around and see if anybody is around to notice.

If somebody IS there to notice, I look around for somebody else I can blame.

If there's nobody I can blame, then I brace myself for the inevitable nasty looks I'll get.


Tonight I not only got a nasty look, I got a head-shake and finger wag.

This is a really crappy situation because my car isn't valuable enough to even have an alarm. I thought it was something I could just unplug or remove, but apparently it's not that easy. The alarm is built into the electrical system, so it's actually kind of a complex ordeal to get rid of it. I guess this makes sense, because if car alarms were easy to disable or remove they wouldn't be very effective.

I suppose my simplest option would be to just shoot the fucking car, but my Buddhist sensibilities prohibit my firing a gun. Fortunately, I live in the heart of Redneckistan, so finding somebody else with a gun to shoot my car would be no more difficult than walking into the local tavern (or church) and saying "Anybody packin'?"

The problem is that I just don't want new car payments, and my piece-of-shit Saturn is already paid off. This means I'm just going to have to ignore the defective alarm for a while longer.

Like until my car falls apart and explodes.

And speaking of "Redneckistan" and "exploding"...

Washington State now has a website to promote marriage equality in our state.

The more liberal West Coast voters can probably be convinced. But across the mountains in my red neck of the woods? It's going to be a tough sell (he says as he imagines heads exploding all across Eastern Washington).

And speaking of "heads exploding"...

HOLY SHIT! NBC HAS PULLED COMMUNITY FROM THE SCHEDULE! There goes one of the funniest shows on television, as the odds of it getting picked up for a new season are now effectively zero. Poop.


  1. Sybil Law says:

    WHY would they pull Community?!!
    Drive your car here, and I’ll have Mr. Law fix it. 🙂

  2. B.E. Earl says:

    The news about Community blows monkey dick.

    That is all.

  3. Alison says:

    Aw, I’m sorry your Saturn is driving you nuts. My first brand new car was a 1997 Saturn. I liked it, but then I only had it for a few years before I moved to NY and decided against owning a car in NY. Still, I bet you could sell yours for its random parts when you can’t take it any longer.

    As for Community, I was really shocked when I heard the news. I thought it was a popular show! When will I remember that critical acclaim doesn’t mean popular. 😉

  4. Nicole says:

    Yet they keep crap like Up All Night on the air?

  5. kapgar says:

    I don’t know what to think anymore with regard to marriage equality and how people perceive it. If there was any one state I thought would push it through without a problem, it was California. And look what happened there.

  6. martymankins says:

    I know the older car having problems symptom. Although my 2001 Nissan Sentra is not quite as old as your Saturn, it’s starting to break down a lot, including coming back from Washington this last July. $560 later, it’s back up and running again, but not without silly things like visor mirrors coming off while driving.

    But as you said, it’s paid off, which works for me, too.

  7. I’ve had my Saturn LW300 since January of 2002. It’s been a good car all in all. Sure I’ve had to put some amount of money into it especially over the last few years. _But_ I keep telling myself it’s better than having a monthly car payment. I’m going to drive this thing until it literally falls apart.

  8. Fluffycat says:

    I am so bummed that Community is on hiatus (or whatever it is they are calling it) but I guess since it’s not cancelled, maybe it will return at some point.

  9. KaraB says:

    I have to say, I love my Saturn. I have a 2003 Ion and I’ve had very few problems with it. I’m over 150k miles and it’s only been little things like a wiper motor. Of course, now that I say that, it might explode on the way home from work tonight!

  10. Walt says:


    Wonder if you could locate the sensor for the alarm & simply unplug or cut it? on the doors it is simply a wire but then you may not have an interior light when the door opens. You can jump those pretty easy to a new power source from the fuse box though. I bet you could find a good diagram on it from a saturn forum.

    • Dave2 says:

      I’ve been on numerous forums looking for a solution. This is not something you can cut out and remove because it’s integrated into the electronics. You can’t cut the power source unless you disconnect the horn, which is illegal. There’s a “ground-hack” that’s supposed to work on my model, but it doesn’t. I can try and locate a dealer and pay them to use their deactivator, but it’s been reported that this is not permanent. There are other options, but none that I feel comfortable with, because damaging the electronics will brick my car. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t have an easy solution. 🙁

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