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Posted on Saturday, September 26th, 2009

Dave!Today as I was driving home from work I saw some dude urinating on the side of the road in plain sight.

I honestly didn't know whether to pull over and shake his hand for such brazen disregard of public health and safety laws... or grab the tire iron out of my trunk and beat him to death for being such a disgusting pig. Not wanting to end up diseased or in jail, I instead laid on my horn as a sign of my contempt and drove onward.

When things like this happen to me, I'm convinced that I've somehow become trapped in a game of The Sims and some god-like gamer is throwing bizarre, absurd, and repugnant stuff my way for sheer entertainment value. Except I'm not amused, so it must be for their entertainment and not mine...

Sim Dave

If I'm going to be trapped in a game of The Sims, why couldn't I have been made an astronaut?

Astronaut Dave!

Or at least something a little more exciting. Like a gynecologist... or a porn star... or even a mad scientist? Instead I get a guy peeing on the side of the road?

Life can be so cruel.

Even if it's simulated.


  1. Jeff says:

    Dave, you’re not taking these obvious signs/events in the spirit the (insert name of favored “invisible friend in the sky here”) intended.

    He (it certainly can’t be a she, here in the God fearing good ole US of A) is testing your sorry Buddhist ass to see if you can resist the overwhelming temptation to commit an act of violence (and thus add to the suffering of the human race). This isn’t just fun and games.

    Wait a minute…. I have just had a PERSONAL communication from (insert name of favored “invisible friend in the sky here”) and He commends you for yet again NOT giving in to your violent tendencies. He also grants you 24 hours to reward yourself with chocolate pudding (brand of your choice, but the deity seems to favor Kozy Shack for some reason; something to do with the term “profit margin”).

    Congratulations, Dave on yet again another job well done.

    Oh and by the way, here in Los Angeles, tomorrow night Sept 27th, there is a special presentation:

    STAR TREK: 40 Years of Designing the Future (a panel of Production Designers John Jefferies, Joseph R. Jennings, Herman Zimmerman and Scott Chambliss, along with moderator and VFX artist Darin R. Dochterman with the Okudas, followed by a screening of the Director’s Cut of STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE.

    The Egyptian Theater, 5:00 pm. I expect you to be there.

  2. Avitable says:

    Peeing on the side road is much preferred to peeing on the road!

  3. nat says:

    My neighbour is doing the no diaper thing on her kids. (Don’t ask… it’s too gross to comprehend.) As a result those hellion pee wherever and whenever they want. (She also is not fond of pants, mainly, because a 12 month old, doesn’t have that kind of control.) Gah! I think she deserves a good round with the tire iron.

  4. Hilly says:

    I almost wish you’d have photo-shopped yourself as a gyno because that would have made my freaking day! 😉

    Also, I always set my Sims on fire so please get rid of your green diamond before heading this way, k thanks.

  5. Michelle says:

    “… porn star” … I just found out that Ron Jeremy owns a swingers club here in dntn Portland. I guess all those guest appearances at the porn shops for signings aren’t all that special any longer.

    Next time you’re in town you should maybe drop by. You never know, he might be able to give you some tips.

    Wandering about the way I do all night long I see several college boys, and a few girls urinating on everything in sight. Often nightly. Apparently it’s acceptable behavior now. I guess we voted that in about the same time we made it socially acceptable to wear your jammies and slippers in public. All the time. Everywhere. Not just Walmart.


  6. Sybil Law says:

    At least he was only peeing. Seriously. It could’ve been worse.

  7. Etienne says:

    Hey, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go, Dave. Of course if he was like that ignoramus snuff-dipper you posted on twitter, well then, you should’ve probably run over him as it was probably a test in natural-selection…

  8. whall says:

    Dilbert author Scott Adams has some great writings about this topic. He puts forth some compelling arguments toward the idea that we’re just a hologram or a program anyway.

  9. claire says:

    Ew. But on the upside you were driving.

    Last time I saw a guy peeing between parked cars, I was walking by on the sidewalk. I was not inspired to have any interaction with him, just picked up my pace.

  10. Seriously? You’d want to be a gynecologist? I mean, what if you had a patient who never bathed? Or had a bunch of kids and stuff was just… wrong down there? I mean, you’d want to look at that all day?

    Brave man.

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