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Posted on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011

Dave!Yesterday evening I managed to find some falafel at Costco, so I needed to drop by Safeway and get some pita bread. For whatever reason, Costco doesn't carry pita bread, which is probably for the best since I didn't need 150 pieces of the stuff.

So there I am walking to the bread section when some asshole comes whipping around the corner pushing a shopping cart without looking. I literally had to jump out of the way to avoid getting nailed. Of course I didn't get an apology... I barely got an acknowledgment... but whatever. That's modern society for you.

After finding the pita bread, I headed to the check-out counter where the guy ahead of me was unloading his shopping. The last item he put on the belt was a sack of limes...

CLERK: How many limes you got here? Do you know?
DUDE: Six. There's six.
CLERK: (holding up a big bag of limes) This looks like a lot more than six.
CLERK: (counting out limes) No... there's thirteen!
DUDE: Yes, that's what I said... thirteen!

Uh huh.

Now, in his defense, he might not have been a dumbass scammer... he could have very well been incapable of counting to thirteen and was embarrassed about it. But, whatever the case, it was a little bit awkward for me to be standing there watching it all go down. Then it was my turn, and here's what actually happened...

CLERK: Is this everything for you?
DAVE 2: Yes, ma'am, thanks.
CLERK: That'll be $2.99. Do you want to make a donation to fight prostate cancer?

But this is what happened in my head...

CLERK: Is this everything for you?
DAVE 2: Well, that and the twelve other packages of pita bread I've got shoved down my pants.
CLERK: (chuckles) Ooh... sorry, but I can't give you Safeway Club Card Points for that!
DAVE 2: Not even if I whip it out?
CLERK: Depends on whether I get dinner first.
DAVE 2: You just made yourself a date!
CLERK: (swoons) I get off at 7:00.

And this is what probably would have happened had I actually pulled a stunt like that...

CLERK: Is this everything for you?
DAVE 2: Well, that and the twelve other packages of pita bread I've got shoved down my pants.
CLERK: Security... SECURITY!!!!

Because life isn't like the letter columns in Penthouse Forum, much as we might all wish otherwise...

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Categories: DaveLife 2011Click To It: Permalink


  1. Sarkawt says:

    I see such kind of people wherever I go! What a dumbass! But I loved the way you imagined the situation 🙂 Hilarious!

  2. B.E. Earl says:

    I had a run-in with a dude at the supermarket yesterday, only it was me running into him with my cart. Kinda. But it was totally his fault.

    He was loitering in the deli section, waiting for his order. That meant, to him, rocking back and forth aimlessly in the middle of the aisle with me waiting to get by him. Finally he moved a bit the left, allowing me to sneak by him on the right. He, of course, made a course correction and meandered back directly into my cart while walking backwards.

    I, for some reason, apologized and tried to go on my way. He gave me a puzzled/angry ADD look and growled “You should watch where you’re going.”

    I, having had enough, growled back “Really? You stumbled backwards into my cart and you want ME to watch where I’m going? I’m not the asshole here.” Even though I kinda was for actually apologizing in the first place.

    I hate people.

  3. Sybil Law says:

    I think she might’ve let you go… 🙂

  4. martymankins says:

    Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought this would ever happen to me, but yesterday while buying pita bread at the local grocery store…

    I can picture this story playing out to a rather rousing end.

    13 limes = 6… Only in a dream world for a gin and tonic drinker like myself would this be a great situation.

  5. Sarah says:

    Oh Dave. I think she would’ve totally followed the second one. I mean, who can resist your sexiness?

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