Well, that was probably one of the most horrible experiences of my life, and I can't imagine anything that could be much worse.
I mean, I suppose that I could get my foot torn off in a freak accident involving a bear and explosives... or maybe some kind of torture where my teeth are ripped out with pliers... or perhaps something involving my testicles and a baseball bat... but it really is hard to think of anything that could top kidney stones. Kidney stones suck ass!
Anyway, it's a happy day after all...
I'm assuming my kidney stone is a girl, because the only pain that ever came close to this was dealt me by a woman.
Kind of funny that something so tiny can cause such mind-blowing agony. Usually, you have to read an Ann Coulter book in order to experience suffering of this magnitude.
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Hey…you should try pushing something out that weighs about 10 lbs….it’s like wishing you were a Barbie doll and someone would just rip your fuckin’ legs off already and remove the wedged thingy.
I’ve been told that kidney stones = child birth…so how does it feel to be a father?
Women I know who have had both children and kidney stones tell me that they’d much rather go through childbirth again than to have another kidney stone.
Dot doesn’t scream or require having her diaper changed, so I guess I’m fine with fatherhood. 🙂
Those were probably women that had serious drugs w/ childbirth.
Try doing it w/ no drug induced haze. I’m betting it’s about par w/ a kidney stone.
Anyhow….explosives AND a bear? How exactly does that combination work? I mean, is the grizzley suited up in an explosive vest, and then blows up just as he gnaws into your foot? I mean, that’s a GREAT visual! It deserves a cartoon!!
Congratulations on your bundle of joy. You must be so proud. (Altho’, are you really sure of the sex? I mean, I know some boys that are pretty adept at creating that kind of pain.)
Actually, I was stealing from Pauly there… toss in a leaf blower with the bear and the explosives and it’s his nightmare.
I guess the bear/explosive scenerio was pretty close in my head. I just didn’t have the leafblower involved…or the snow. It SO needs to be drawn.
(In the future, Pauly needs to refrain from eating crazy, spicy food and then watching “Gray’s Anatomy” right before going to bed. I’m just sayin’….)
Again with the testicles, Davie-poo..? Sheesh!
Adena: What Pauly really needs is his own reality television show. I know I’d watch that.
Naomi: Hey, I went a week without mentioning them! Sorry, but I’m rather attached to my testicles, and when you talk to a guy about the ultimate pain, testicles are bound to come up somewhere in the conversation. 🙂
since you’ve named “her”, are you gonna keep her in a jar?
you could take a picture of dot & see what celebrity she resembles. never know…she might look like madhuri dick-shit.
god, i love saying that name.
I guess the fact that you’ve posted your labor story makes you an official “mommyblogger”.
Welcome to the club! (he he)
Congratulations on the birth of “Baby Dot” .I wish you all the happiness with your little bundle of pink. By the way, who is the father ?
There’s a rumor going arround the man in question is living in Idaho.
Don’t kid yourself… it was immaculate conception all the way.
I can’t wait to see the ebay auction…
So pleeeeease – give us the details. Did it take a long time to get thru the *ahem* tunnel? Did you have to “catch” it somehow?
Ouch, it hurts just asking these questions…
happy to hear you survived it.
now you can take on anything, right?
Now you have to worry about it getting pregnant. At least you can spoil the grandstones.
Damn, Robin got to the eBay comment before me.
Anyway, I’m glad the pain didn’t dampen your sense of humor.
Oh, gosh Dave! She’s just beautiful! I’m running out tomorrow to get you a gift card for Baby Gap.
But does this mean you have to give up the painkillers?
OK, at the beginning they said there were two…was that the second, or do you now have the delicious anticipation of a sibling for Dot?
Mazel tov. Has your breast milk come in yet?
Rach: Poor Madhuri… I’m sure her name means something quite lovely in her native tongue! As for Dot, I keep her in a plastic baggie where she can’t get out and cause any more trouble.
Housewife: Mommy Blogger? Hey, do I get a badge for that?!?
Robin: It’s a closed auction. I’ll let you have her for $1000… a bargain at twice the price! 🙂
Jeff: I don’t know, really. The pain started really subsiding around 10:30 and she was brought into this world around 1:30… so three hours? Could have been faster maybe if I drank lots of water. They give you a funky strainer for making sure you don’t accidentally flush your newborn down the toilet.
Apryl: Yes. Well, just about anything. I still can’t bear to watch David Caruso “act” (or whatever you call that thing he does).
Rob: I’m not letting her out of her plastic bag until she’s 21. TWENTY-ONE!!! 🙂
Jenny: Oh Jenny. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny… those painkillers have become my new best friend, and I won’t leave town without them ever again… just in case I become “in the family way” again.
Belinda: Alas, this was only the first. Somewhere, sometime… ten minutes or ten years from now… Dot will have a new baby brother or sister to babysit. Hopefully the labor pains won’t be so severe next time.
Margalit: I’m afraid that my breasts are woefully underdeveloped for breast-feeding. I’ll be using formula. But GOOD formula… not that cheap crap. Why? Because I care!
Wow, congratulations. Have made hat and booties out of a spot of wool…
Just think of all the things you have to look forward to. Baby’s first word should be coming along quite soon if you keep taking the pills 🙂
I suppose being both the mother and the father means the moods swings between possible postnatal depression and intense pride will be interesting to watch…
What a relief, huh?
Congrats to you, Dad! All Dot did was cause you excruciating pain for a few days, and now she won’t pee/pooh/vomit on you, write on the walls or trash your car. No meeting the boyfriends either. Lucky parent you are – keep her in the baggie!
Who says you can’t have your first at this late stage of your life? New fathers can be any age! Dave is living proof!
Happy it’s over… for now at least.
Well, at least it’s over now.
Better start saving for college. I’m trying really really hard to think up a “get stoned in college” joke, but it’s just not happening.
Just glad you are ok….
I feel for you. My kidney stone experience was so bad — I was an hour away from the nearest hospital when my pain struck, and the paramedics wouldn’t give me anything for it — that I never again want to be without powerful painkillers. I actually carry vicodin in a little pill fob on my keychain now.
On the bright side, that was as painful as anything gets, and you survived it. That has to be liberating.
I was going to ask about the incubating sibling, but apparently I’m really slow today.
I need one of those desks like George Costanza where I can disappear take a nice nap.
Hope you feel better.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at your pain- but that was fucking hilarious.
Hope you feel better 🙂
I gave birth 3 times WITHOUT drugs.
I had 24 kidney stones in one year.
Most of the stones were about the same size as Dave’s. 4 stones required surgery because they were “too big to pass”.
I’d rather give birth without drugs everyday of my life for the rest of my life than go through that again.
How’s that for an opinion from a real woman?
Did you take a picture? Did you keep it?
If it helps (and you know to dread that expression, right?) I have cystinuria which means I make and pass kidney stones as a hobby. Each one is painful and I’m right with you there on the whole empathy gig. However, being female my kidney stones have a few less inches to travel. For that I grimace in support of your extra few inches.
Hey I have had 24 stones