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Inaugural

Posted on Friday, January 21st, 2005

Dave!Wait a second... somebody just told me that TiVo DVRs run on Linux? Yet TiVo isn't releasing a version of their TiVo Desktop software for Linux users? (at least that's what I get from reading their FAQ).

Yikes. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. That's a nice "f#@% you" to the people who made your product possible!

Anyway, speak of the devil, I finally watched President Bush's inauguration speech off my TiVo and, I must say, I'm a bit disappointed. I want specific details, not vague rhetoric! Here's just some of the things I was expecting him to announce (and, if you don't understand what "sarcasm" is, you may want to skip it)...

Inaugural

Beer Endowment Fund:
I maintain that it is the right of every American citizen to drink free beer. You would think that the presidential administration would agree, and support widespread drunken behavior. Mostly because drunk people wouldn't mind so much that the economy is in the toilet, Osama bin Laden is still at large, the weapons of mass destruction apparently don't exist, the rest of the world really doesn't like us much and, even after "mission accomplished," our soldiers and countless others are still dying in a very expensive war that's way out of control.

Reality Television Limitation Act:
The horrifying stupidity of 99% of the reality shows plaguing the television landscape is appalling ("Who's Your Daddy?" "The Littlest Groom?" "TRADING SPOUSES?!?"). Normally I don't believe in government intervention in the public sector like this, but something has to be done before what little intelligence left in the average American TV viewer is sucked away. Limiting each network to a single reality show per season would be a good start.

Preemptive Strike Against Canada:
The obvious next logical step in the president's bid for global domination war against terror is to "liberate" Canada. This would have a number of immediate benefits... 1) We're really concerned about protecting our northern borders but, if Canada were annexed into the U.S., our northern border would be somewhere in the Arctic Circle and who wants to go to that kind of trouble? 2) Those whiners who threatened to move to Canada if Dubbuya won the election would have to explore other options. 3) French-Canadians who suddenly find themselves American citizens could practice an entirely new level of self-loathing, because apparently all the French hate us. 4) "The Great State of Manitoba" has a nice ring to it. 5) There'd be no more border crossing delays when heading up to visit strip clubs in Vancouver.

Spammer Death Penalty:
Oh come on. You know you want it.

Quizno Sandwich Subsidy: I love me the Quizno subs! But when it costs $8.31 for a small drink, a regular Veggie Sandwich, and a bag of chips... well, it's not like I can afford to eat there very often. For that kind of money, I could buy EIGHT servings of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes at Taco Bell! Government subsidizing of Quiznos purchases is not entirely out of line considering they've been propping up the beef industry for decades (which is how a Big Mac costs $3 instead of $30).

National Dave Appreciation Day: My brilliance should be celebrated world-wide but I'd settle for a national holiday as a start. Laugh all you want, but you'd get a day off work, so it's a win-win situation.

Now that's odd. Suddenly I have this overwhelming desire to kick a spammer's ass, then celebrate by watching a stripper on reality-free TV in Canada while eating a Quizno's sub, drinking a beer, and appreciating myself.


Categories: DaveLife 2005, Television 2005Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. kmsqrd says:

    Will Manitoba be a state or a commonwealth or will it come up with some new goofy name? Welcome to The Great Territory of Manitoba!

  2. Dave2 says:

    Nah… the “Great White North” already has ten provinces and three territories, so that wouldn’t be much fun. I’d like to think that once we’ve “brought freedom” to Canada, we’ll have thirteen new states, including “The Great State of Manitoba!”

  3. Neil T. says:

    Is Subway roughly the same price as Quiznos over there? The prices you quoted for a Quiznos meal sound roughly similar (if a little cheaper) than Subway over here.

    I really need to try Quiznos at some point but I really don’t feel like going all the way to Birmingham just for a sandwich.

  4. karla says:

    Wow…is a Quizno’s sub with sides really $8? You are almost approaching Norwegian prices, there! I fully support your beer soaked efforts for eminent domain in Canada, executing spammers and limiting reality shows (except “Fear Factor”. Me likey Fear Factor.) I’ll go along with Dave App. Day too, as long as we don’t have to see you “appreciating yourself”.

  5. Dave2 says:

    Neil: Subway is cheaper I think. I’m not completely certain, as I stopped eating there just as soon as Wenatchee and East Wenatchee both got Quiznos! And it might just be worth a drive to Brum to get that sandwich, they’re pretty amazing (and toasty).

    Karla: Yes, $8.31 is the price I just paid. Crazy, really. Oh, and I said “appreciate” myself, not “abuse” myself… :-)

  6. James Bow says:

    Re: Preemptive Strike Against Canada:

    Another benefit: Assuming that Canadians are accorded full American citizenship within two years and you’ve added nine states to the Union (you might have to merge PEI with Nova Scotia; PEI is 1/4 the population of Wyoming)…

    NO REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS!

    DEMOCRATIC MAJORITY IN SENATE AND (possibly) HOUSE FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS.

    GREENS ELECTED TO CONGRESS!

    I could support that. And you’d get access to all our water.

  7. Dave2 says:

    Yes, water and strippers. Canada is truly the land of plenty.

  8. Ben says:

    Waiitttt – you live in/near a place called Wenatchee ?

    *snigger*

  9. Dave2 says:

    Umm. Yes? I don’t know what’s so funny about it, but okay.

    It’s a Indian (Native American) word. We have a lot of places around here with Indian names, and I actually think they are quite beautiful. Wenatchee (wah-nat-chee) means “robe of the rainbow.” We also have Chelan (shay-lan) which means “deep water” (for the lake that’s there). Entiat (ehn-tee-aht) means “rapid waters.” Yakima (yah-kee-mah) means “black bear.” And so on. Probably our most famous is Walla Walla (wha-lah wha-lah) which means “many waters.”

  10. Jeanne says:

    I am a little late on a post inaugural blog, but it took me this long to get through therapy after the 2004 presidential election. I am out of my news-black out period and the seratonin re-uptake inhibitors are working wonders. I just found this blog and thought I’d say “hi”. It doesn’t surprise me you would be a successful blogger. Just based on my memory of some ironic writing you did in high school. Love your travel pictures, by the way. Go Bulldogs, blah blah.
    Jeanne

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