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Flaming

Posted on Tuesday, March 27th, 2007

Dave!I don't get sick very often, for which I am most grateful. On those rare occasions I do get sick, I don't like to talk about it. I can't stand listening to somebody else's health problems, so why would anybody want to listen to mine? I've just never understood these people who like to get together and discuss all the bizarre crap that's wrong with them. Especially in public. I'm always the guy wanting to scream "NOBODY CARES IF YOU HAVE HEMORRHOIDS, BITCH!" whenever I come across these absurd conversations which people happily have in restaurants or the mini mart. Some things should be kept private.

But I just can't help myself.

Last night I had the worst case of flaming diarrhea farts ever...

Davefarts

Seriously. There were moments I didn't know what was going to happen, and other moments where it felt like my ass was on fire. The entire evening is a blur of one horrible moment after another. And the worst part is that I have no idea what caused it. Nothing I ate could explain the drama going on in my bathroom. No Super Bean Burritos. No Cabbage Milkshakes. No Double Prune Danishes. No Pints of Guinness. It was a total mystery. My ass was rebelling against some unknown offense that I still don't understand.

When I finally went to bed, it was because there was nothing left in me to expel. The only thing I was filled with was dread at the thought of waking up and having breakfast the next morning. What if it started all over again? As a safety precaution, I consumed a bottle of Pepto Bismol and a half-box of Imodium.

But everything turned out akay in the end (heh heh). I woke up, had breakfast, and my day was pretty much normal.

If only I could erase the memories.

In less nasty news, OMFG! Geeks of Doom is reporting Variety as saying that we're going to be seeing a Lego Batman videogame in 2008! Just when I think that the Lego Star Wars videogames were about as cool as things can get... this happens. The Lego Batman toys are super-sweet (combining two of my favorite things ever!), and I can't wait to see how they translate into a game. Just hearing this makes me want to start playing Lego Star Wars all over again.

I mean, holy crap! It's Lego F#@%ing Batman... IN A VIDEOGAME!!

Legofuckingbatman

And that's all she wrote.

Unless you want to read about how confused I am by the configuration of Adobe's new "Creative Suite 3" bundles, which I've put in an extended entry...

I love Adobe. Their products allow me to express my creativity with a freedom that is unprecedented. I have been using Adobe programs like Photoshop and Illustrator for over 15 years now. Other programs, like InDesign I've adopted over rival applications from day one, based solely on previous positive experience. So when Adobe bought out Macromedia, I was hardly upset. The tight integration of essential tools like Flash and Dreamweaver into the Adobe product line would be a very good thing.

But it turns out this is only half true.

I'm sure the Macromedia programs themselves will be fine under Adobe. What I don't get is the way Adobe has chosen to bundle their new applications. If you are a user of both Adobe Creative Suite 2 and Macromedia Studio MX, you can't get all of the programs they contain in any one bundle. Well, you can, but it's the "Master Collection" which no Mac User is probably going to want, because they would already be using Apple's "Final Cut Studio" for video production, and don't need all the Adobe video apps.

Here is a list of Adobe (and former Macromedia products) I use...

  • Photoshop
  • Illustrator
  • InDesign
  • Acrobat Pro
  • Flash
  • Dreamweaver
  • Fireworks
  • Contribute

With that in mind, look at this product matrix for the new Adobe Creative Suites 3. Specifically, note the lack of overlap between InDesign, Fireworks, and Contribute in the bundles...

Adobematrix

If you happen to use all three programs, as I do, your options become murky. I suppose you could upgrade "Design Premium" ($440) and then upgrade Fireworks ($149) and Contribute ($79) for a total price of $668, but this doesn't seem fair. As a registered user of BOTH Adobe Creative Suite 2 and Macromedia Studio MX, why shouldn't I be able to get a bundle discount on all the programs they comprise? Why isn't there a combo bundle for $500 or something? It doesn't make much sense to me (what, are Fireworks and InDesign users mutually exclusive?). I'd hope that this isn't a slam against Mac customers who use Final Cut Studio so Adobe can push the "big bundle," but who knows?

Fireworks has always been a bit of a hassle due to lack of integration with Illustrator and Photoshop... but now that it HAS been integrated, I want it pretty bad. It handles vector graphic conversion for web nicely (which ImageReady does not) so it's probably more useful than it's ever been. That just makes the bundle configurations so much more puzzling.

Anyway, I've got my pre-order in for "Design Premium." It's supposedly being released in April sometime, which is fantastic. I am tired (oh so VERY tired) of the non-stop crashes that plague Illustrator and InDesign on Intel-based Macs.

And lastly, a moment of silence for Adobe GoLive (which I've used since it was CyberStudio GoLive 1.0, now replaced by Macromedia Dreamweaver) and Macromedia Freehand (which I rarely used, replaced by Adobe Illustrator)... both now gone from this world.

Here's hoping this evening is flame-free.


Categories: Apple Stuff 2007, DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. kilax says:

    I am so happy that they are finally integrating Dreamweaver and Flash… but I understand your frustration. It seems you can either be a designer or a webmaster, not both.

  2. Iron Fist says:

    If only there had been time to rig up some sort of ass-fueled turbine to harness the power of your flaming diarrhea farts — from the looks of that graphic you could have produced enough mega-wattage to power up the Western Seaboard.

  3. Annette says:

    Sorry to hear you’re under the weather. I need to wish you a belated Happy Birthday… and maybe that’s it… part of the aging process. Probably not, just a thought tho. Hope you’re better soon.

  4. I suffered the same ailment last week in Bangkok (BTW Hard Rock Cafe was CLOSED)! I was perfectly fine the next day too. Weird.

    I’m pissed off at Adobe because I tried to buy one of their downloadable bundles for non-pros online. Guess what…they don’t sell the products I want to people in Asia. WTF? That’s just not right.

    Happy belated birthday, Dave :D

  5. Fruitcake says:

    Wow,small world. I had this exact same ailment today. I had to walk down a hallway the length of the entire office, past cubicles full of people, with my buttcheeks clenched as tight as possible in an effort to avoid utter humiliation on my way to the restroom. About 42 times.

  6. Hilly says:

    It’s somewhat hard to render me speechless and yet…..wow.

  7. Melanie says:

    I’m just jealous. I can’t afford the Adobe stuff at all. I almost had my boss convinced we needed InDesign to produce our marketing documents, but then he, too, saw the price tag and flaked out. Dammit.

  8. The Chad says:

    HOLY LEGO SUPERHEROES BATMAN!

  9. Kapha says:

    This is too cosmic…

    *Just this afternoon* I looked up the CS3 options since I’ve been thinking of upgrading from a much earlier “suite” (which I may not even be able to get the upgrade price from?!?)…

    After slogging around the endlessly hip site, that was utterly void of the information I wanted (I really hate this kind of thing – and it’s everywhere) I had just about given up trying to figure out what the h*** I could buy. I mean… I’m wanting to buy their stuff and I can’t figure out what the options are! They must have hired a COMPLEXITY CONSULTANT.

    Ok, so somehow I stumble on a checkbox grid of sorts (again so hip that I doubt I can bookmark it) and painstakingly check the boxes in the four columns for what I think I want – at least as far as I can figure out.

    I anxiously await the results. I know it’s going to be super smart because it looks super smart (actually it just looks kinda nice but generally this is a bad sign in my experience).

    Tada!

    You need the $2,500 Master Uber Ultra Deluxe Premium Professional Gaga Suite/Combo/Gathering/Cluster/Duplex/WTF

    I think I surprised my wife when I actually said out loud – and rather loud (while laughing of course):

    ** F*** Y**!! ** :D

    For crying out loud, I’d only checked one box in one column, more than half in another, a third in another, and a couple in another. This checkbox piece-of-you-know-what was just seeing if you had checked in all boxes and voila: you need everything.

    I don’t need 3D Animation, nor the Bartender/Dog Washer.

    I’m left not knowing what the heck to buy but I’m sure as heck not forking out $2.5k after this experience. Makes me wonder how many pieces of this “suite” are designed by the same bozos who did the web site.

    Seriously. It’s too much work to figure this out.

  10. Well, I certainly hope that both regular (ha!) Dave and Lil Dave have other pairs of pants because from the look of that toon the ones you were wearing are toast.

  11. Laurence says:

    Dave… You know what ?… Nobody cares if you have flaming diarrhea, MAN !!! :-D
    Lego Batman video game seems to be awesome ! ;-)
    I want to taste all those Adobe… One day… Who knows ? Aaaaargh :-)

  12. MRKisThatKid says:

    You think you’ve got problems with their pricing. You should be a brit, they’re still over charging us. If I convert the amazon.com price for design standard upgrade to pounds and add our VAT to it it comes to 235 quid.

    So guess what amazon.co.uk have it listed as… 474 quid!

    Nice adobe, real nice.

  13. Avitable says:

    Maybe Lego can make a good Batman game for once, since there has yet to be one that’s not a pile of flaming diarrhea farts.

  14. Mike says:

    Guiness gives you diarrhea? I would die!
    (Most likely of diarrhea) :-)

    Lego Batman? Holy Cr**! it’s a good thing my son likes Batman. Unfortunatly, this probably means it’s not coming out for the X-Box. I soooo don’t want to buy a 360 right now. Although a Wii…

    I work on a campus, so odds are we’ll get a really nice deal on the Adobe Master Collection.

  15. Jeff says:

    Thanks for sharing. And I chose to read this during my breakfast no less. Ummm.

  16. sizzle says:

    I’m still laughing about “NOBODY CARES IF YOU HAVE HEMORRHOIDS, BITCH!”

    I am glad you ass is feeling better!

  17. Lewis says:

    Flaming? That’s quite a title. And it sounds like quite a day. Ick. And.More.Ick. Don’t forget…..Acidophilus pills work great….one or two when you feel it coming on….you’re like new. I always have a bottle at home and one in my suitcase. Oh, and keep plenty of 2-ply on hand for the aftermath.

  18. Karl says:

    I love the Adobe. I just wish their stuff was reasonably priced. You know, for the regular schmoes like me.

    I hope you threw out that pair of underwear, dude.

  19. ChillyWilly says:

    The Design Premium CS3 is what I am after. It’s got all of the programs that I use: Photoshop, InDesign, Acrobat Pro and Dreamweaver. Plus adding a program that I would like to use and learn (Illustrator) and maybe venture into the Flash development world, and this version looks good.

  20. Freaky. Get out of my brain. Yesterday afternoon our VP of Ops came by to discuss my request for CS3 and haggled over which version I’d get… I don’t even know where you found that handy little comparison table because I had to try and glean what info I could from their stupid product pages. As it stands, thanks to their crappy bundling, I’m going to end up with Design Standard… PLEH!

  21. Foo says:

    I watched the Adobe webcast and actually fantasized about the ability to create my own bundle. I apparently need to buy a life.

  22. Eileen Dover says:

    Hmmm… given your recent birthday and unexplained loose bowel issues, do you suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome? (Such a lovely name, I know.)

    Just a thought. There’s been a few 40+ men I’ve known who unexpectedly become a little lighter after visiting the loo.

    Suddenly the refried beans I’m eating don’t look so delicious…

  23. kapgar says:

    So what’s the price of the Master Collection?

  24. Kyra says:

    My son is still playing the lego star wars… and of course me with him. He just “bought Ghost Aniken” last night and is absolutely obsessed now.

  25. Troy says:

    People talk about their ailments for a couple of reasons: (a) to see if anyone else has had the same problems and to get confirmation that things will get better and, (b) the chance for some sympathy.

    As for Lego Batman. Looks pretty sweet. I loved both of the Lego Star Wars games. Pretty sweet.

  26. karla says:

    Sorry your ass is aflame. But your Lil’ Dave cartoon cracked me up.

    Be careful that you don’t confuse farts for more solid activities. As my Dad says, “AFter 40, never trust a fart”.

  27. suze says:

    hope you’re feeling better.

    I’m still using my bootlegged copy of Photoshop 6. I’m sleeping with an Adobe programmer and I still don’t have access to the software at a decent price! lol…

  28. shari says:

    “This is my friend, Dave, and he has a flaming ass.” You SO don’t ever want to let me introduce you after this. ;)

  29. Bogup says:

    Sorry to hear about your “health issue.”
    That said, I luv the blast off Dave2 graphic! It’s a keeper.

  30. Betsy says:

    Do you eat chicken? Did you have buffalo wings? My friend used to sit on a bag of ice after eating buffalo wings. But he kept eating them. The irresistable power of buffalo wings…

  31. Jacki says:

    Now that on a t-shirt would be cool.

  32. Laurel says:

    I have four words for you my friend: Cottonelle Fresh Folded Wipes. You don’t need ’em often but when you do, aaaahhhhh… I discovered them via a tip before my recent colonoscopy. Another joy of aging…

  33. apricoco says:

    Um.. about your… uh… Flamingness…. Like you, I am a vegetarian and while I have never described my discomfort in such a way I have experienced the same thing (on some way more feminine level) and it is usually after I have inadvertantly eaten something laced with animal juice. Perhaps a soup made with a bacon base? Or stuffing that has chicken broth? Or whatever… lots of thing we eat (especially if you eat out regularly) are poision for us veggies… I know that after I eat at boston market, without fail I have bathroom problems… So… Um.. yeah.. sorry about your flaming ass… This too shall pass (right through your lower intestine).

  34. diane says:

    Thanks a lot Dave! Somehow your intenstinal distress made its way to Chicago tonight. Right before I leave for New Orleans, too. Nice!
    (bring on the Immodium, I say!)

  35. Adobe is just down the street…you want me to go bitch-slap them for you and make them give you want you want? You just say the word, k?

    You need to find out what you ate so you won’t do it again. I only got that way with sugarless chocolate. APPARENTLY I have an intolerance to the sugar alcohols they use in sugarless chocolate. Heh. I thought I was going to BLOW UP. Ugh. Never again.

  36. Kapha says:

    I called Adobe and discovered I could get the upgrade price for our somewhat older suite of Adobe products by purchasing CS2.3 Premium and then doing the “Post Announce Upgrade” to Design Premium CS3 for free.

    Otherwise it’d cost an extra $400+ – yikes!

    Went ahead and did it.

    Like most things out there I really wish you could “build your own” bundle. This would be ideal.

  37. ajooja says:

    My boss had a nice, long discussion about discount pricing with a bigshot from Adobe. Like you, my boss thought combination packages and/or large quantity purchases would warrant a discount.

    The guy from Adobe basically told him “we don’t have to give discounts so we don’t.”

    They’re not going to make it easy for us.

  38. greg says:

    that drawing is one of the funniest things ever. Great blog.. looking forward to exploring it further..

  39. jodi says:

    YOU’RE confused… man, that’s why I quit. No, I quit to move to Canada. But seriously, trying preparing for the release of your product when every single product ships at the same time. It’s insane.

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