Apparently, It's Valentine's Day.

And so here's this year's card...

Except I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day, so I revised it to be a bit more indicative of my feelings...

Thaaaaaat's better.

Click here for a look at past Blogography Valentine's Day cards.

It's 8:00pm and I'm already in bed. Not because I'm tired, but because I kind of got used to working in bed while I was sick. It's a pretty comfy way to be on the job, that's for sure.

This morning while I was cleaning up the disaster in my bedroom that's accumulated from the past week of sloth, I found a big bag of money laying at the foot of my bed. And by "big bag" I mean a gallon-sized Ziplock plastic bag, and by "lot of money" I mean $320 in tens and twenties (which may not be a lot of money to you, but it's sure a lot of money to me).

I spent the rest of my day trying to figure out what it was doing there, and where it came from. Not that I was assuming somebody broke into my home and put it there... no... I knew it was my money. I just couldn't for the life of me remember why I would have put it in a Ziplock bag and stashed it at the foot of my bed. Did I knock over a lemonade stand? Hold up a Girl Scout selling cookies? I rarely carry much cash, preferring to put even small purchases on a credit or debit card, so what was it for?

Eventually I gave up trying to figure it out, and decided to put it in the bank. Maybe I will treat myself to something pretty with my new-found wealth later this week. And by "pretty" I mean get the oil and brakes changed on my car.

I suppose there are worse mysteries to have... like finding a big bag with a severed monkey head stashed at the foot of your bed... so I'm trying hard not to complain...

But still, it sure would be nice if I could remember stuff like this.

If somebody could help me with this monkey on my back, that would be great...

Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could buy a Deadly Ninja Attack Monkey to unleash upon my enemies.*

*And by "enemies" I mean dumbasses ahead of me driving 10 miles under the speed limit in a 25mph zone. WTF?!?

Another Bullet Sunday. Another desperate scramble to get a blog entry written so I can attack another item on my to-do list...

• ACTA. To say that I am disappointed in the Obama Administration for their draconian secrecy surrounding the "Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement" is an understatement. I am thoroughly disgusted. So much for "transparency in government." The potential for misuse of ACTA is truly frightening, and yet nobody seems to care. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Not that I'd expect anything better from a McCain Administration, but Obama is the one who made all those transparency promises.

• United Kingdom. Tomorrow I'll be making lanyards for the meet-ups in London and Edinburgh... so time is running out to get on the list! If you're going to be in London on Saturday, March 21st or Edinburgh on Tuesday, March 24th, please email Dave Spice ASAP! (my email address is in the sidebar)...

• Blogiversary. The economy woes are really wrecking havoc with the plans I've got going for my kick-ass Blogiversary VI Celebration coming this April. One company raised their prices substantially mid-way through development. Another company who was working on what would have been my most favorite prize item ever disappeared off the face of the earth this past week. I was concerned when emails and phone calls stopped being returned. I was worried when the phone was disconnected. But I was freaking out when I finally made contact with a neighboring business and was told that the offices had been abandoned. The deposit I made to start the project was relatively small, so losing my money isn't my major concern. No, coming up with something new to replace it is the thing that troubles me. It's crushing to have your dreams dashed by factors outside your control.

• Postcard. Ooh! My postcard from Lynne arrived! And it's got a cool Orang Utan on it...

• Bailed. Am I the only one who thinks that somebody needs to be shot in the balls every time I hear the word "bailout" and "executive bonuses" in the same sentence? Seriously... shotgun to the fucking testicles (or ovaries, for the XY-challenged).

And now it's time to get back to work for a few hours. My time until takeoff to the United Kingdom is rushing by...

It's raining today, and I don't mind at all...

I stopped taking all the pain medication I was prescribed because my kidney stone has apparently disappeared. This is a real mystery and has me wondering where the heck it went, but I'm so happy that I'm finding it hard to care. Unless, of course, it is just hiding somewhere temporarily and comes back again. The sneaky bastard.

The problem is that the medication was masking the daily aches and pains that I usually have from my joint problems, and now they've all come back. This is a major bummer, and has given me an entirely new appreciation of drug addiction. Who wouldn't want to have a pain-free life, after all?

Of course, given how shitty "life" is now-a-days, I've also been given an entirely new appreciation of alcoholism. Who wouldn't want to live oblivious to all the world's fucked-up problems, after all?

Of course, given that it's difficult to hold a job when you're popping pills and drowning in alcohol, I've also been given an entirely new appreciation of gambling addiction. Who wants to work when they can just win money for free, after all?

Of course, given all that drinking, drug-abuse, and gambling, I've also been given an entirely new appreciation for Depends Brand Adult Diapers. Who wants to haul their drunk, drugged-up, broke ass off the sofa to go to the bathroom, after all?

So the next time you see me hanging around in a diaper all stoned, drunk, and begging for cash, well... now you know why...

It's because I want my life to be perfect and pain-free.

And how can this be? For he is the Kwisatch Haderach!

This will probably only make sense to six people on earth. Sorry about that.

The first time I became aware of Wayne Hall was when he left a rambling yet funny comment on an entry back in March of 2006. I think I might have made a token visit or two to his site after that, but didn't really check out his blog for reals until May of that same year. His comments were always so witty that I pretty much had to check out his blog.

So I went to The Blog of Whall, saw a joke that kinda offended me, then left. I figured that if this was indicative of what Wayne wrote about on his own site, that it probably wasn't for me. Life's too short and all that.

But eventually Whall kind of grew on me, so I finally got to a place where I could read his blog without screaming. I just tried to ignore his more political-oriented stuff and it was all good. After all, not only is Wayne highly entertaining, but he totally loves me, and was plugging Blogography all the time (like here and here and here). This showed that, despite his "whallitics," he at least had good taste in blogs.

Since that time Wayne has become a good friend because, even with our vast... mind-bogglingly vast... political differences, we're more alike than different, which is pretty much how I find people to be all over the world. So when Mr. Hall asked me to guest-post for him while he was on vacation, how could I refuse?

Go check out an all-new episode of The Blogography Show over at whall.org!

If you're interested in a little "behind-the-scenes" action on how the guest-post came together, I've put that in an extended entry...

After publishing a behind-the-scenes peek at how I created Avitable's Halloween Party shirt, I received a number of requests asking me to do something like that again. The problem is that the vast majority of the work I do outside Blogography simply can't be posted because of confidentiality agreements, copyright ownership, publishing royalties, and all kinds of other messy business. But every once in a while I get a fun assignment where the client doesn't mind me posting the details, so here we go again.

A while back, longtime Blogography reader Jon Whitby wrote asking if he could hire me to create a logo for the baseball team that his law-firm sponsors. Unfortunately, I was on my way to Dave York just then, but he was okay with waiting until I got back. There was a few days window before I had to get started on TequilaCon stuff, so the biggest hurdle... finding room in my schedule... had been cleared.

Corporate logo design is a long and complicated road that often involves numerous meetings and dozens of revisions. But fun logo design work like Jon was requesting is pretty straightforward. It was also fairly easy because he knew exactly what he wanted...

• An understated design that didn't overwhelm the shirt... namely, a small "pocket-sized" design on the left breast.
• A self-parody logo that plays off the idea of lawyers being sharks... namely, a cartoon shark in a business suit holding a baseball bat and wearing sunglasses. Also, putting him in a circle to neatly sidestep the question as to whether cartoon shark lawyers wear pants.
• The shark should have a toothy, but not overly-frightening grin.
• "Whitby Law Office" and "www.whitbylaw.net" should be worked into the design somehow. The name is more important than the web site, so it could go around the circle with the web URL below the design.
• No white or pink shirts. Perhaps gray or navy blue would work best.

Two minutes of sketching, and this is what I had to start from...

A few tough spots became immediately apparent...

• I wasn't sure how to handle the fin on his back, and sketched it no less than six different ways before giving up. I decided to fix it when I actually drew it.
• The teeth were kind of a puzzle. No matter how you draw a mouthful of large, pointy teeth, they look kind of scary. Since Jon was wanting "cartoony" I decided to give him an overbite and a goofy smile to compensate.
• I thought it important that the team name "SHARKS" be in there, so I dropped "OFFICE" to make room, and made a note to ask Jon about it.
• The glasses were kind of funky and floaty since sharks don't have ears to hold them up.

I ended up dropping the glasses and put some rounded eyes in there instead (I decided that I would create a second version with more menacing eyes, just in case I went a little too cartoony). My revisions set, I imported my sketch into Adobe Illustrator and drew a boundary circle to work around...

If you're interested in seeing what happens next, I've put the rest of the story (along with the finished design) in an extended entry...

There are days I would give almost anything to have Pizza Hut delivery in my small town...

I hate Microsoft Windows.

I really, really, really, hate Microsoft Windows Vista.

And it's not because I'm a Mac Whore, or Bill Gates kicked my puppy, or I was attacked by Steve Balmer in a fit of monkey-induced rage... it's simply because Microsoft Windows Vista sucks ass. It is the steaming pile of shit upon which computer users beg for death. Every single time I use a PC running Vista, I have some kind of stupid problem which makes me enter a thermonuclear rage.

Fortunately, I don't have to use Vista very often. Otherwise, I would need to be institutionalized.

What pisses me off is that when Microsoft finally fixes their bullshit, I'm going to have to shell out more money to get the "Windows 7" upgrade. That is really fucked up. Microsoft should have to pay ME to upgrade as compensation for having to deal with their crap OS all this time...
   

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

And speaking of PC (as in Political Correctness), what the heck is going on over at Comedy Central? This morning I wanted to check out clips from Russell Brand's upcoming DVD, so I went to their "video section." I got distracted by a new email while the video was buffering, only to see a black man dancing around while eating fried chicken when I clicked back to Comedy Central again. Horrified at such a racist stereotype being offered up as "comedy," I immediately clicked to a different video link.

When you are following a car that's weaving down the middle of the road while going 10 miles under the speed limit... don't you owe it to society to run them off the road, rip off the car door, bitch-slap the driver really hard, then take a flamethrower to the whole mess?

If you agree, then would you please move into Chelan County right away? When my eventual trial comes up, it would be nice to have a jury of my peers who understand justifiable road rage. IF YOU OR YOUR VEHICLE IS INCAPABLE OF DRIVING THE SPEED LIMIT, THEN STAY OFF THE FUCKING ROAD!! All these people do is make things more dangerous for people who know how to drive.

Speaking of flame-throwers, I maintain that they are the solution to many of our problems, including PCs running Microsoft Windows Vista...
   

And now I think I will be going to bed extra early so I can attempt to forget this terrible day.

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

I just don't "get" American Idol. I have never watched an episode, but every singer I can think of who has come from the show is total shit. Clay Aiken? Absolutely horrendously awful in every way. Crappy voice, heinous stage presence. Kelly Clarkson? BORING! She retreads through territory that we've seen a hundred times before, and her songs are gag-inducing. Taylor Hicks? I know he won because I heard about it when he was on Chelsea Lately... but I've never seen or heard him perform anywhere on anything. Ever. Big clue that he must suck ass. Jordin Sparks? The only thing I've heard from her was the complete destruction of Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer. After that travesty, I have no desire to hear anything else she does. And that pretty much goes for anyone coming off American Idol.

And yet, everybody I know is just enraptured by the show. It's massively popular. So what am I missing?!? Since there was nothing on TV last night as I was flipping through channels, I decided to see what's up.

When I first dropped by, it was a bunch of horrendous singers butchering Santana's "Smooth"... WITH SANTANA!! It was positively mind-boggling. None of these people can sing!! None of them had any harmony with each other! It was borderline tragic how terrible they sounded. I was horrified that Santana was forced to endure such torture, and was hoping that he had somebody to watch over him that night because I worried he might try and hurt himself.

THEN, after escaping, I flipped back to see Steve Martin playing a freakin' BANJO while two truly bad singers were wailing over it with voices so grating that paint started peeling off my walls. The guy sounded like his vocal cords were being attacked by a feral badger, and the gal sounded like she was gargling a tone deaf rodent. AWFUL!!!

I couldn't take anymore and had to turn the channel to something with entertainment value... like Rush Limbaugh... but then my friend Meagan called and was squealing "OMG! YOU HAVE TO TURN BACK TO IDOL!! IT'S AMAZING!!!"

So I did, and there were a bunch of hideously untalented dudes "singing" Rod Stewart's Do You Think I'm Sexy in a "performance" that was so terribly off-key and badly harmonized that I was searching for a pencil to gouge my ears out. THEN... just as I was praying for death... an undead mummified corpse was rolled out with horrible hair and an embarrassing wardrobe to sing with them. Once I snapped out of my trauma-induce shock, I realized it was ROD STEWART HIMSELF and was scrambling for the remote so I could turn off the television before I went into a coma from the distress of watching poor Rod be humiliated anymore.

So, yeah... that was enough American Idol suckage for me. Any more, and I would have tried to saw my own head off.

And speaking of saws...

Poor PC... he really should have tried installing Linux before going to such extreme measures! Though Windows Vista makes me insane every time I use it, so I guess this shouldn't be too surprising.

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

And before I go... knowing my love for all things Betty White, and my total man-crush on Ryan Reynolds, about twenty people forwarded me a link to this Funny or Die bit which features BOTH of them...

Even though I have zero interest in yet another Sandra Bullock romantic comedy, there is no way I can resist a movie which has both the incomparable Betty White and the hysterically funny Ryan Reynolds. Talk about can't-miss casting! And, much to my surprise, the trailer actually looks pretty good... I am SO there.

And now... it's off to a very full day of work. And drinking. Drinking to forget the horrors I witnessed on American Idol.

The big news blowing through the blogosphere today is former American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken blasting away at how much he thinks current American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert sucks ass. Personally, I don't give a crap, and think Clay Aiken is entitled to his opinion. But what's so odd is that the words Clay uses to talk smack about Adam ("contrived, awful, and slightly frightening") is exactly... exactly... how I would describe Clay. I've never heard him sing a damn thing that didn't make me wish my head would explode... or wish Clay Aiken would explode... or both. This is like the suck-infested pot telling the suck-infested kettle that he sucks. Or something like that.

And speaking of horrific infestation...

Yeah... Vista sucks ass and should have never been released in the first place, but instead of fixing it,* Microsoft is going to make you pay for an upgrade to Windows 7? What a crock of shit.

* And no, those Service Pack updates didn't solve nearly enough of my problems with Vista to make me consider it "fixed."

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

On a happier note, I got an email from somebody who was very happy with my movie suggestion of Doc Hollywood this past Bullet Sunday, and wanted to know if I had any other "old movies" that I'd recommend. The film was released in 1991, which had me doing some serious reevaluation of what I consider to be an "old movie," but I did come up with two worth watching...

Creator (1985) Starring Peter O'Toole, Mariel Hemmingway, Vincent Spano, and Virginia Madsen. This movie was overlooked by most everybody and it's a real shame. Creator is a comedy with truly touching dramatic elements which has a lot to say about life, love, loss, and the science of it all. Peter O'Toole gives a fantastic performance as a brilliant but eccentric professor who's trying to clone his dead wife. It's definitely a level above your typical popcorn comedy, but oh so rewarding. Unfortunately, the DVD and iTunes versions are absolute shit... they butcher the film to crappy full-screen "pan-and-scan" which chops up the flow and framing of the film... but Flix is airing it in widescreen on the 26th at 12:05am Pacific (3:05am Eastern). If you get the Showtime/Flix channel package, you might want to set your TiVo, because this is probably the only way you're ever going to see this wonderful film unmolested.

Undercover Blues (1993) Starring Kathleen Turner, Dennis Quaid, Fiona Shaw, and Stanley Tucci. Another overlooked gem that's one of my favorite movies of all time. Spies Jeff and Jane Blue are on maternity leave to spend time with their new baby, starting with a vacation in New Orleans. But when a situation comes up having world-shattering consequences, they are back in action for one more case. Hilarity ensues. I think what I like best about this movie (other than the fantastic way they integrate New Orleans into the story) is that there are no wasted moments. The plot moves ahead at full-speed from frame one, and takes you for a ride that's never boring and always funny. Definitely worth your valuable time to track down and watch.

I've seen each of these films at least a dozen times, but just writing this makes me want to see them all over again.

Unfortunately, I have to go back to work instead.

Even though this is my blog and I should be able to write about whatever the hell I want, there are times that I don't write what's on my mind because people will just think I'm being a whiny little bitch. And they'd be mostly right. But who really wants to have people call them a whiny little bitch when they're being a whiny little bitch? Not me.

But today is Saturday, the first day of a three day holiday weekend, and hardly anybody will be reading my blog anyway, so here's me whining: This past Wednesday, Matt & Kim were playing in Seattle and I couldn't go! WAH!! To understand the depth of this tragedy, you have to understand just how much I love Matt & Kim...

On New Years Day 2007, I decided to go through the pile of mail that had been stacking up over the past month. In amongst the crap was a padded envelope from my friend Meagan containing a three CD's with a note on top. "Merry Christmas!" it said. "Except you don't celebrate Christmas, but that shouldn't stop you from getting awesome presents." One of the CD's was the self-titled debut album by Brooklyn grunge-punk-pop duo Matt & Kim. From the very first track, I was mesmerized. Here was a band that was playing their guts out in a way that I hadn't heard since the punk rock movement in the late 70's and early 80's. Just listening to them made me feel like I was discovering music again for the first time. In the years that followed, I could always count on Matt & Kim to cheer me up on even my worst days.

Their follow-up album, Grand, released this January, was even more amazing than the first. Somehow the band has managed to keep it's raw and amateurish flavor, but come up with a sound that's a little more polished and accessible. I've played the single Daylight so many times that it's melded with my soul...

I mean, just look at them! They love playing so much that they can't keep the smiles off their faces. Their enthusiasm is so contagious that it permeates their music and makes every song feel like nobody has ever done this before. And every time I see a photo from one of their concerts or a video from a live gig... believe you me, I want to see them live so badly it hurts...

I've come very close to seeing them nearly a half-dozen times. It's not hard, because they spend most of their lives touring. They're everywhere. And yet... I keep missing their shows. A friend called me Tuesday and said I should come to Seattle because they were playing Wednesday night, but I couldn't go. I've felt sick ever since. I can't get over it. I can't let it go. Missed opportunities. It's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing to go through my mind when my head hits the pillow at night. Right now typing this entry I can barely keep from screaming as loud as I can until I pass out. Tonight they're playing in one of my favorite cities... Cologne Germany... and I'm not there. On Monday they're playing in Paris and I want to meet Laurence there and see it. On Tuesday they land in Amsterdam and I want to be there with The DutchBitch. On Thursday they're playing in Stockholm and I want to call up Göran, hop on a plane, and go. On Saturday, they're invading Oslo and I want to jet over, grab Karla, and see it. On June 1st, they're in London, and I want nothing more than to call up everybody I know in the city, cash in some frequent flier miles, and have a party at their show...

But here I sit.

And then this morning I noticed that they dropped an amazing new video for Lessons Learned back in April...

I hate it when I allow something stupid like missing a concert to ruin my life like this.

And yet, I just can't help it...

And lastly, words of profound wisdom from Matt...

"True success is health insurance."

If that doesn't sum up life in these United States of America, I don't know what does.

Official Matt & Kim Website.

Free "Daylight" MP3 + Remixes from Green Label Sound.

Matt & Kim music at the iTunes Music Store.

Matt & Kim Flickr Photos.

Matt & Kim YouTube Videos.

Matt & Kim Twitter Feed.

Matt & Kim's MySpace Page.

Sometimes people just get it all wrong...

Nobody should be treated differently because of how they're born. Whether it's because a person has blue eyes... or freckles... or is tall... or is short... or is gay... or whatever. That's how they were made, that's how they are, and that's how they're going to be. To punish somebody or treat them as a lesser person because of who they are is discriminatory, cruel, and not very human at all.

To pass a law that punishes somebody or treats them as a lesser person because of who they are is abhorrent.

By upholding an abhorrent law, The California Supreme Court weakened this country today. They are showing us a state divided into one group who has full rights because of how they were born... and another group who has lesser rights because of how they were born.

Time to stand together or fall apart.

Tonight I had to eat at McDonalds for dinner because it was the only thing open once I got back from a high school graduation ceremony. Dinner at McDonalds sucks ass for vegetarians because about all we can eat is French fries and an apple pie. That would be awesome if I was 16, but now it just guarantees a night of gastroenterological distress.

This is the first graduation ceremony I've been to in over 20 years and nothing has changed. As I was listening to the cheesy speeches with all the appropriate empowerment buzzwords ("BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!"), it occurred to me that if you took every student graduation speech from every school in the USA and analyzed them, they'd all have the exact same words... just shuffled around in a different order. I suppose that there is only so many ways you can say "THE FUTURE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!" which is going to make any kind of sense.

Oh well. Congratulations to the Class of 2009! If you made it to graduation, you managed to limit your drug and alcohol use enough to pass the sub-standard requirements from our failing education system... so best of luck to you!

Meanwhile, the pussification of America continues...

I learned something at graduation that disturbs me greatly. The school had co-principals. The class had co-presidents. I'm guessing the cheerleading squad had co-captains and the football team had co-quarterbacks. Remember when there was a winner and a loser and that was it? It was just like life. Except now it's co-everything because striving for mediocrity is the best we can do. "Co-President" and "Co-Principal" is so much easier than having a subordinate "Vice President" and "Vice Principal" because responsibility is divided up and pushed around so nobody loses.

The buck no longer seems to stop anywhere.

I don't know what this bodes for the future, but it can't be good.

It was just another one of those days of trying to contain a bunch of shit before it hits the carpet...

The new iPhone 3GS dropped today and my inner Mac-whore is mortified that I'm not getting a new Apple product on release day. The good news is that I'll be getting one next week instead of two months from now thanks to AT&T's generous eligibility revision for early iPhone 3G adopters.

At first I was seriously considering skipping the latest version, but the better camera (with video!) and speed improvements ultimately won me over. A part of me wants to be thrilled at the new digital compass feature (which will show you which way you're facing in Google Maps), but since the GPS unit in iPhone sucks ass, I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Given how often I use my iPhone and how much I rely on it when traveling, buying the latest model seemed a wise investment.

As if this wasn't enough, it appears that Steve Jobs is returning to Apple as scheduled.

Apple whores rejoice!

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

Some days, it doesn't matter how fast you are, trouble somehow manages to catch up.

"Where is the love for Aquaman?" Bad Robert exclaimed, his voice choked with emotion.

"Er... what?" I replied, totally not understanding (as usual).

"Well, now that you've drawn a DaveToon Flash, you're just an Aquaman short of The Super Friends there on your blog!" Robert shouted, clearly upset. "Well, there's Robin too... but nobody gives a crap about Robin. Hell, you even drew Apache Chief before Aquaman, and that guy was just a guest star!"

"Ah, I see. I'll get right on that!" I shouted back... still not sure of what he meant.

When I got off work I took a look and, sure enough, Bad Robert was right. Here are the original Super Friends (sans The Boy Wonder... Wow, I guess nobody really DOES care about Robin!)...

And here are the DC super-heroes I've drawn up as Davetoons so far...

Hmmm... I wonder if Bad Robert would settle for Gleek, the super-stupid space monkey?

Oh how I hated Gleek and the equally idiotic "Wonder Twins" messing up the show ("FORM OF AN ICE CUBE!"). Why is it that all the cartoons I had growing up felt the need to insert side-kicks and stupid animals when none were needed?

Oh well, I guess it was better than nothing.

Michael Jackson has died. I was not a big fan.

It's not that his music (hee!) was bad or that his songs sucked... it's just that (hoooo!) he felt the need to (shimone!) inject stupid-ass (hee-heeeeeee!) grunts, groans, squeals, screeches, yells, and (WOOOOOoo HOO!) "shimones"... whatever the fuck that was... into every (unnnh!) fucking (heeeee!) song. I absolutely (wheee-HEEEE!) HATED that shit. It was impossible for me to (shimone!) get into the song with all those (hoooo! shimone! hee heeeeee! unnnhhh!) interruptions.

But the guy was Captain Eo, and I suppose that counts for something.

I thought Captain Eo was totally awesome when visiting Disneyland in the late 80's...

During the height of Michael's big trial, I was commissioned to do a drawing of him for an online magazine, which was a difficult assignment. At the time, Michael was looking his freakiest...

But the Disney whore in me wanted to remember him looking like this...

And that's how I'll always try to remember him now.

Sadly eclipsed by the Michael Jackson news has been the death of another icon from my puberty... Farrah Fawcett...

Yes. Bad Monkey is a big fan from way back. Some of my readers, however? Not so much.

Meanwhile, Betty White is still alive. And still awesome.

Happy Canada Day to our lovely neighbors to the north! I know you must be feeling a little neglected because we haven't liberated you yet, but no worries... once we've finished up in Iraq and Palin is elected in 2012, we'll be sure to get right on that!

If you want to read my Canada-related travel journal, here you go!

Ooh! I almost forgot about Bullet Sunday!

• Click!

• Click!

• Click!

Meh. It's a holiday weekend. I'm empty and can't find any bullets to shoot. I'll try to reload before next Sunday.

My finger, which became deformed when its tendons were snapped several weeks back, has straightened out pretty good now. I've been faithfully wearing a splint to keep it flat, and it seems to be paying off. I doubt my digit will ever be as flexible as it used to be, but at least it looks quasi-normal.

Or will look quasi-normal once I can take my splint off in six more weeks.

In the meanwhile, I get to keep wearing this massive bundle of steel and Velcro...

To be honest, I barely notice it anymore. Even when typing, my brain has re-mapped the letters I typed with it to other fingers, so it's not a big deal. About the only time it bothers me is when I go to wash my hands and have to go to the hassle of taking it off and putting it back on again.

The problem is that other people notice it.

Usually, it's just to ask "What did you do to your finger?"But sometimes it's worse. Like today after work when I went to pay for my groceries at Safeway and the cashier jumped back once she grabbed the money out of my hand. Apparently, she thought my splint was a bug. It's been a while since I've worked retail, but I don't recall people ever handing over insects with their money, so I'm guessing this is a new thing.

So now I'm self conscious about my splint... trying to hide it from people and using my left hand when I have to interact with them. Since I'm right-handed, this leads to even more embarrassing situations so I guess I just can't win. But it beats people thinking that I have a bug infestation problem, so what can you do?

NOTE: I was going to draw a DaveToon here where a giant cockroach is peeking over Lil' Dave's shoulder, but I freak out when I see creepy insects. The idea of Googling pictures of roaches, cutting one out in Photoshop, then compositing it with a DaveToon is enough to make me want to pass out. So instead, I put an ice cream cone back there...

Just picture the ice cream as a cockroach, and everything will be fine.

The first two comic books I ever bought were Green Lantern #121 and The Flash #277. I ended up liking Green Lantern best because his stories were cosmic in scope and seemed more imaginative. Whatever Hal Jordan could dream up, his magical ring could make a reality... what could be cooler than that?

How about a Green Lantern movie?

Last August there was an announcement that a GL movie was going to enter production. I was excited. Now there's news floating around that my hetero-man-crush Ryan Reynolds has beat out Justin Timberlake and Bradley Cooper for the role. Now I'm estatic. I can only hope that they REMAIN FAITHFUL TO THE SOURCE MATERIAL and come up with a decent story. A Green Lantern film should be EPIC. He should battle bad-ass villains like Sinestro and Star Sapphire... not lame-ass regular-people villains that shouldn't even be a challenge. There should be aliens and space battles. There definitely should be Abin Sur and the Guardians... DON'T FUCK WITH GREEN LANTERN'S ORIGIN, OTHERWISE IT ISN'T GREEN LANTERN!!

The massive box office from the Batman and Iron Man movies should prove that you can remain faithful to the source material and still have a successful film. Hopefully the people behind Green Lantern understand that...

In other news... final dates have been set for Davelanta 3 (August 1st) and Daveorado (August 22nd)...

The Daveil went down to Georgia...

A run to the Rocky Mountains...

If you haven't already contacted me and would like to meet up with some cool bloggers in Atlanta or Denver, just send me an email at dave@blogography.com and I'll let you know when we have details!

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

As I sit here staring at a blank screen, I realize that I've done absolutely nothing blog-worthy today. I worked for four hours, then spent my afternoon and evening doing all those little things that I never seem to have time to do. Before I know it, it's 11:00pm and the day has gone. My first instinct is to call Bad Robert because just five minutes on the phone with him would give me enough material to blog about for an entire week. But he has a job which requires getting up at an insanely early hour and is most certainly already in bed.

Blogging can be so bloody difficult sometimes.

With no Bad Robert to help me, I now turn to my How to Blog the Blogography Way flowchart to see what I should do next...

Ah, here we go then...

Well that wasn't so difficult after all.

Today is the 40th anniversary of people walking on the Moon!

Or, if you're part of the tin-foil hat brigade, the 40th anniversary of when NASA faked the Moon landing.

In any event, I think that we should take a moment to remember all the monkey astronauts and other animals that risked or gave their lives as test subjects so that we could get to this point...

If you're interested, Wikipedia has a great article about Monkeys in Space.

And if you want to watch a fantastic film about what was happening behind the scenes of the Apollo moon landing back here on earth, I highly, highly recommend watching The Dish. This film is about the Australian crew responsible for receiving the moon landing transmissions broadcast to earth when the USA had rotated away from the moon. It's touching, funny, and a really good story. Two thumbs up and five stars from me!

Today I paid $6.49 for a bag filled with two cups of slivered almonds. The shock still hasn't worn off, because that's nearly $16 per pound. By shopping online, I could get the exact same thing for $6 per pound. This sounds like an incredible bargain, except shipping and handling charges end up being about $10 which means I'm right back where I started. Things like this drive me insane when I think about it, so I am very careful to turn off my brain when I go to the grocery store. Apparently everybody else is doing the same thing, which is why everybody is wandering around in a zombie-like haze.

This is a good plan, assuming you turn your brain back ON when you get to the parking lot.

Today I found out that most people do not do this, resulting in zombie drivers...

This was made clear to me as I watched two cars gunning towards the exit at the same time... each completely ignoring the lanes painted on the pavement. It was quite distressing because I was in the proper lane to exit the parking lot, which meant I had cars coming at me from both sides.

The first car arrived on my right. The driver was apparently very impatient, because they honked their horn at me while I was looking to make sure no traffic was coming. This caused me to become instantly enraged for two reasons... 1) It was unnecessary and rude. 2) I WASN'T THE ONE WHO WAS IGNORING THE TRAFFIC LANES!

I reached for my gun, but then remembered that I subscribe to Buddhist precepts which forbid me from owning one, so there was no gun to be found.

So instead I ignored the asshole and exited the parking lot. Which was just as the second car arrived on my left. This caused another round of honking as two cars... both ignoring the traffic lanes... attempted to exit at the same time. To make matters worse, a car arrived wanting to enter the parking lot, but couldn't get in because the two cars were blocking her. I didn't stick around to see how it all worked out. For all I know, they are all still there honking at each other.

It is getting to the point where I hate... hate... to drive anywhere because it's wall-to-wall dumbasses everywhere you go. Everybody seems to have their brain turned off, and so it's just not fun (or even safe) anymore.

So you can imagine how thrilled I am to be making the three-hour drive to Spokane tomorrow.

I'm wrecked!

Today I took two shifts live-blogging over at Therapy in the Making to raise money for Doctors Without Borders during Blogathon 2009.

Since I am a pretty crappy writer, I came up with the brillaint idea of drawing a new DaveToon every 30 minutes for my two 2-hour shifts. This didn't seem like a big deal, because they only take ten to fifteen minutes to draw once I come up with an idea. And when I'm writing for Blogography, the ideas for the toons just pop in my head as I sit down to blog...

But sitting down cold with no ideas and trying to come up with a new DaveToon every half hour?

It's a lot more difficult than it sounded.

Each and every time I was in a full-blown panic as I rushed to finish before the posting deadline. But it was all worth it because Doctors Without Borders is an amazing organization. And just because Blogathon 2009 is nearly over doesn't mean you can't still donate to support the great work they do for people all over the world...

If you missed Blogathon, I'm re-running all eight of the DaveToons I made...

The rest are in an extended entry. Be sure to check them out after the jump!

I can't blog tonight because I have to draw some killer alien monkeys...

Hey, there are worse ways to spend an evening.

I was hoping that this homophobic crap would be laughed off of Washington's ballot... but it looks as though the protections we have for same-sex couples and their families here in the Evergreen State is going to be challenged come November. And this isn't even a "marriage" issue... it's just for their domestic partnership rights! Apparently opponents of equality managed to find 120,577 people who are so insecure in their beliefs that the very thought of somebody being allowed to have different beliefs was scary enough to sign a petition.

Riiiiiight.

The divorce rate is rapidly approaching 50% in the USA, yet we need to pass laws to protect the sanctity of this institution from the "gay agenda."

Riiiiiight.

Two atheists can get married in a non-religious ceremony so long as they have opposing genitalia, and yet making laws to define marriage by one group's interpretation of their religious views is not at all discriminatory towards homosexuals.

Riiiiiight.

Forcing somebody to live by your standards and stripping them of their rights when they don't is not hating on them.

Riiiiiight.

This would all be laughable if it weren't so very sad. I find it positively absurd that two consenting adults living in the United States of America in 2009 have to fight to have the same rights afforded to everybody else because of who they choose to love. Apparently, some people haven't done the math...

Well, whatever.

I refuse to buy into such blatant discrimination. I am of the opinion that people are people and should be treated equally. I believe that love is love. I feel that there is enough room in society for consenting adults to decide for themselves if they want to marry. I know that devaluing somebody in the eyes of the law because of their sexuality is wrong. I say NO H8...

I hope that one day people are going to wake up and start taking responsibility for their own lives rather than making others responsible for their problems. In the meanwhile, we have to deal with bullshit like this when there are far greater issues we should be focusing on.

Like squirrels ruining our photos...

We really should be doing something about that.

Avitable has announced this year's theme for his annual Halloween bash, and it's a good one: INVADED!

Like last year, Adam asked me to create a T-shirt design to help raise money for the party, and with an awesome theme like "alien invasion," I could hardly say no. The challenge would be to find a new way of having fun with the DaveToon characters so that I wouldn't be bored. After a little thought, I decided to try an old "Sci-Fi Comic Book" design and see if I could make that work. All the best alien invasion stuff could be found in the pulp comics and films of yesteryear, so it seemed like a good fit.

After an hour of goofing around, this is what I came up with...

If you want to support the Avitaween party (or just want to look really cool), you can buy the shirt at Adam's Zazzle Shop.

If you want a behind-the-scenes peek at how the design was created, I've got that in an extended entry...

I'm not here today because I was at Cissa's blog yesterday.

Or something like that.

This is one of those rare cases where I'm actually LOL-ing at my own cartoons, so it might be worth a look if you're into that kind of thing. You can also wish Cissa a belated "Happy Birthday" while you're at it.

UPDATE: I've put a copy in an extended entry in case they should ever go missing...

Oh hai!

Work on my blog templates continues. If you notice any issues, please leave a comment. If you can't leave a comment, please send me an email (my address is in the sidebar of every page) so I can try and get it fixed. Thanks!

This morning I was awakened by leg cramps from being too cold. Something happened to the weather while I was gone, forcing me to break out some blankets for my bed at 2:00am. I guess this means summer is over, and I'm kind of sad about that. All I can think about is all the things I wanted to do that never happened this year. Now there's no time left... the days are flying by, and it's going to be 2010 before we know it.

I'd make plans to put everything off until then, but that strategy didn't work out too well when I tried it in 2008.

Apparently, I'm in a losing battle with time...

But, then again, I guess that's a battle nobody ever really wins.

Except zombies, of course...

If there's a benefit to being undead, that would be it.

Well, that and all those delicious brains you get to eat

This morning I had still more problems with my DSL. It seems every time I turn around my internet is either busted or unbelievably slow. And, of course, Verizon doesn't give a shit. Oh they put on a good show of wanting to provide good service, but it's all a time-wasting sham. I tried calling this morning and got disconnected. I called again and somehow ended up in the mobile wireless department. After 30 minutes of trying to talk to anybody, I had to give up so I could go to work.

I get home tonight and, SURPRISE, internet is still down. So once again I have to call and, basically, waste an hour of my life with my service provider to get things straightened out... kind of... while paying them for the privilege!

It's things like this that drive me insane when the whole "Net Neutrality" debate rears its ugly head...

Not content to merely overcharge their customers for shitty service, ISPs also want to screw them over by controlling what and how they get to experience the internet...

Net Neutrality opponents consider the very idea an affront to free enterprise. I consider it an essential to maintaining my presence on the internet. Because I complain about most everything here on Blogography, and am sure to have pissed off enough corporations that have the money and/or influence to get my blog dumped in the slow lane or banned altogether.

So no more complaining about important net-influential companies, such as major Internet Service Providers like Verizon.

Oops.

Never underestimate the power of the media to escalate sensationalistic news to absurd heights.

Or the internet to take it even higher.

The flight home from Los Angeles yesterday was awful.

I know I say that a lot, but usually I'm exaggerating. A little. This time I am not exaggerating at all. The sights. The sounds. THE SMELLS! Not to mention the crazy-ass bitch next to me who did not comprehend the concept of "personal space." It all added up to an epic disaster in travel history that I'm trying to forget.

Until I realize that things could always have been worse.

Which is why I simply MUST get my new airline started. It's the only way I can guarantee that all my flight experiences will be pleasant ones...

   
Except starting up an airline would require billions of dollars.

I don't have billions of dollars.

Which means I've had to go this route instead...

It's almost as good.

Assuming I only want to travel from one side of my living room to the other.

Which means I've had to come up with alternate travel plans for my flight to Florida tomorrow.

Darn it anyway.

If there are no objections, I think I'll skip blogging tonight. I've been traveling all day and really need to get some sleep.

Good night everybody!

When I went out to my car this morning, it was snowing. I want my summer back!

Time for a nice sunny orange...

   
Nothing brings back a warm summer day like a ripe, juicy orange.

I'm working today and don't have much time to blog. Fortunately, mah BFF Hilly-Sue has rescued me for blogging material by being born on this date. All hail the Queen of the People's Republic of Blogistan on her birthday!

   
I need a taco salad...

I'm not a talented enough writer to try and explain my day today. So I drew a cartoon instead.

Turn your sarcasm dial on "high" before viewing...

Yeah, life is totally like that.

Fellow bloggers have influenced me in more ways than I'll ever admit.

Most times.

Other times, like now when I have nothing else to blog about, I'm happy to admit anything.

Back in mid-October, Josh of ("Josh is Trashy" fame) ran across an old Richard Scarry book from his childhood called Cars and Trucks and Things That Go. His entry brought back all kinds of memories for me because I loved Richard Scarry books when I was a kid. They never displaced Curious George as my all-time favorite, but I spent a lot of time reading them because they were a lot of fun.

Anyway, Josh took a second look at the book and found out that some of the illustrations were actually pretty messed up when viewed from a more adult perspective. He added his own dialogue and hilarity ensued...

Genius!

It's the second illustration that changed my life. I loved it so much that I recreated it as my desktop picture...

Which is probably a bad thing, because it's been influencing my behavior. Whenever something crappy comes my way now, I stop everything and say "This is bullshit!"... All day long... Every day since...

It's kind of amusing when I'm alone.

But a different story entirely when I'm in the middle of a business meeting and suddenly feel compelled to say "This is bullshit!" to a client or co-worker sitting at the table. It's even worse when you say it in the check-out line at the grocery store because the bitch ahead of you has 14 items in the "10 Items or Less" lane.

I can't help it. It works in just about every situatuon. Including other Richard Scarry illustrations...

If you want your life to be ruined too (thanks, Josh!) you should check out his original entry.

It was a strange day.

It started with me being backed into a corner with few options. Eventually I had to choose my way out. And though I'm still not sure I made the right choice, I'm so relieved to have escaped the situation that I really don't care. Because when you've had a weight pressing down on you long enough, getting rid of the constant pressure is worth just about any price. I guess I'll celebrate now and worry about the consequences later...

Except...

Now I have the pressure of wondering if I made the correct decision hanging over me.

Crap.

If it's not one thing it's another.

FOREVER!

It's Veteran's Day!

Tonight Applebee's was offering an entrée to all veterans, so I took my mom (US Navy Veteran!) to claim her free dinner. It was a really nice thing for the restaurant chain to do... but the place was packed to the rafters, and most of them weren't veterans. They were just accompanying a veteran (like me, my brother, and sister-in-law). So Applebee's was making out like bandits, probably clearing one of their biggest money-making days ever. I actually think that's pretty cool though. Do something nice, and get something in return... everybody wins!

Which is why a group of friends and I continue to take turns grabbing names from AnySoldier.com and sending care packages to them while they're serving far from home. Soldiers get something that makes their lives a little better, and we get to be the ones who makes it happen... everybody wins!

If you want to know how YOU can help, I've written about AnySolder.com --here-- and --here--.

(With my apologies to the Coast Guard, but I haven't received a name in that branch of service yet!)

A heartfelt thank you to all those who are serving in our military or have served in the past (thanks mom & dad!) and those who have given their lives in service of a grateful nation.

I've said it before, but every day should be Veteran's Day.

Can we really risk the alternatives?

On my way home tonight, I spent the entire trip trying to make other cars explode using the power of my mind.

I know some might consider this to be cruel and hateful, but when somebody is driving 20 MPH in a 35 MPH zone, what else can you expect? When somebody comes to a full-stop at a caution light, what else can you expect? When somebody doesn't take their turn at an intersection stop, what else can you expect? When somebody is blocking the road so they can talk to somebody in a car coming from the opposite direction, what else can you expect? When everybody you encounter on the road is a frickin' moron, what else can you expect?

This is what I keep hoping happens...

Wouldn't that be great?

Just think of how much more fun it would be to drive if you could asplode dumbass drivers on the road?

Of course, none of this would be necessary if I were to get those flying cars we've been promised all these years...

Talking about being able to explode things with psychic powers makes me wonder how much of the population would eventually find themselves asploded because they did something to piss me off. 25%? 50%? 75%? Who can say? It's kind of worrisome to think that I might get carried away and end up asploding 98% of the people on earth. Who would be left to make the chocolate pudding?

Hopefully it wouldn't be raging moron turned media whore Carie Prejean. She is so fantastically stupid that I think I'd asplode her even if it meant I wouldn't get any pudding. I don't know how much longer I can listen to this idiot whine about the imaginary liberal media trying to take away her right to free speech... especially when she's showing up absolutely everywhere talking about it. She's just like every other radical Christian hardcore Conservative beauty queen homophobe with fake boobs, naked photos, dozens of sex tapes, and a new book to sell... a hypocrite who is perfectly happy judging others by her lofty moral standards, but gets pissy when somebody presumes to judge her with theirs. I don't want her to shut up because she's pushing some kind of anti-human, anti-equality, anti-gay agenda... I want her to shut up because she's a fucking dumbass.

How is it that these faux-pious assholes with a "do as I say, not as I do" attitude seem to think that people are dense enough to buy their lies, hypocrisy, and bullshit? Probably because people are that dense, and I have little doubt her book will be a bestseller. People are not only buying the crap she's selling, they're forking over their hard-earned money to do it.

So, no. Nobody is taking away Prejean's right of free speech.

But I really wish they would.

I've been working non-stop for two weeks and then been traveling non-stop for two days. I think I'm dead. All I need now is a voodoo doctor to resurrect me and it's zombie time...

Unfortunately, I couldn't connect with a flight home this evening, so I'm spending the night in Seattle.

I'll look for the voodoo doctor in the morning.

Ooh! It's the shortest day of the year!

Finally. I'm tired of spending my free time in darkness, and it only gets better from here.

To all those who celebrate...

All I did today was eat.

Seriously, that's it... there's nothing else to report.

It's the easiest blog post of the year, when I get to re-visit all my entries for the past 365 days and see just how pointless and futile my life really is! Much like last year, a lot of my time was spent traveling. I racked up 164,000 air miles on seven airlines. Unlike last year, I had only minimal flight delays and cancellations, which was a pleasant surprise.

And now the traditional random Blogography snippets of crap from the year that was 2009...

JANUARY

• Admitted I have a Twitter addiction.

• Goofed around at SeaWorld with mah Hilly-Sue in San Diego, where we rode the Buckets of Death, learned to BELIEVE, and joined the cult of Shamu the whale...

Seriously, how cute are we in this photo?

• Was traumatized when Ms. Sizzle and I were sexually assaulted by Etta James at her Seattle concert.

FEBRUARY

• Was nearly brought to tears at the Nazi Documentation Museum in Cologne, Germany.

• Traveled to the beautiful island of Mallorca in Spain to visit the new Hard Rock Cafe there and see the sights...

• Revealed ten honest things about me.

• Suffered from my drug abuse.

• Said goodbye to a friend and learned what is really important...

MARCH

• Disapproved of First Lady Michelle Obama's wardrobe choices...

• Spent a weekend goofing off in Seattle with my BFF Vahid.

• Re-lived my life as one of the Spice Girls...

• Had an absolute blast meeting up with friends in Davedon...

• Experienced the "magic" of Stonehenge...

• Back to my favorite city on earth... Davenburgh!

• Had the worst airport layover in the history of airport layovers.

APRIL

• More blogger meet awesomeness at Dave York...

Dawg and Poppy with B.E. Earl.

Robin, Libragirl, B.E. Earl, Me, and Cissa!

• Tried my hand at some inappropriate Broadway reviews.

• Reveled in the glory that is TequilaCon Santa Fe...

MAY

• Expressed my disappointment with the current state of Cracker Jack prizes.

• Explained a problem with my MASSIVE NOZZLE.

• Gave a behind-the-scenes look at the Blogography Show when Whall was a guest...

• Took a trip to Savannah, Georgia and visited the magnificent Bonaventure Cemetery.

• Released the most important iPhone app ever...

• Visited mah Hilly-Sue in her new home of Orlando where we got to be pirates and then go see Jesus at The Holy Land Experience.

• Started up the Lil' Dave and Lil' Wayne MAC VS. PC cartoons...

• Told ignorant asshole Paul Marx of the Baltimore Sun to go fuck himself.

JUNE

• Attended the spectacular ConFab blogger event in Lexington, Kentucky.

• Debuted Baby Dave and Naughty Monkey for a guest-post on Anissa's blog...

JULY

• Finally saw Duran Duran in concert with my sister.

• Took a look at my wild-and-crazy days of youth...

• Revealed the secret of How to Blog the Blogography Way.

• Joined in on Blogathon 2009 where I live-blogged new DaveToons every half-hour to benefit Doctors Without Borders.

• Had the opportunity of a lifetime when I went to see Hayao Miyazaki speak in L.A. with blogging buddy Howard from The Web Pen Blog.

AUGUST

• Ah, the wonder of exploring the biggest rock in the world and the joy of attending Davelanta3...

• Explained the Love Equality Formula and said NOH8 the best way I know how...

• Had the adventure of a lifetime when I guest-posted at Puntabulous...

• Gave evidence as to why I was the most adorable baby ever.

• Another fantastic blogger meet, this time at Daveorado...

• Got to see my favorite band ever, Depeche Mode, in Salt Lake City with WarpedGirl 16 and Marty from Banal Leakage!

SEPTEMBER

• Hit Las Vegas with the TequilaCon Planning Posse for event planning, debauchery, and ELVIS...

• Took an amazing cruise to Alaska where I walked on a glacier, then went rafting with eagles, and ended up hiking with bears...

• Got to see one of my favorite bands, the Pet Shop Boys, at their Seattle concert.

• Explored my virtual career path...

OCTOBER

•Just one word: pooferflargen.

• And then there was the life-altering experience of attending Bitchsterdam...

• Showed off my HUGE package.

• Said my peace on equality.

• Finally got to see the adorable spawn of The Bombshell and The Ninja in SoCal.

• Could there possibly be anything better than three days at Disney World with mah Hilly-Sue?

• I dunno. But swimming with dolphins with Robyn and Rachel comes close...

• And so does a wild night at Avitaween and non-stop pussy...

• Went Hard Rock Cafe hopping in Washington DC and Baltimore.

NOVEMBER

• Learned the Tao of Bullshit with Josherz...

• Made some tentative plans for 2012...

• Back to Atlanta for time with friends and Freestylin' Coke.

DECEMBER

• Not a lot, really. I did write this massive blog entry though.

   
And that was 2009. Everybody have a safe and happy New Year as we head into 2010, and thanks for reading!