I often-times wish that I had the power to make people's heads explode. But it's probably a good thing I don't, because there would be a drastic drop in the world population. I just don't think I could contain myself when it comes to simple, everyday situations where people piss me off. I can't quite decide if that makes me weak or just plain evil.
I'm betting on evil, but that could just be wishful thinking.
Anyway, if I DID have such awesome psychic powers, here's a list of people whose heads would be blown up just today (and the night is not yet over!)...
- The neighbor who slams his door so hard that my teeth feel as though they're going to be knocked out of my head.
- The morons at MindFieldOnline who sent me an offer of $10 to take an Acuvue Contact Lens survey, but then stopped me part-way through because my "statistic group" was full (never-mind that I responded to the email just 2-seconds after receiving it and they made no mention of limits in the email... f#@%ers).
- The idiot ahead of me driving 20 in a 35 mph zone.
- The ass-clown who parked his pickup across two parking spots at the grocery store, requiring me to park all the way across the lot.
- The stupid bitch with 80's hair and mega-bangs who sat directly in front of us at the theater, despite there being plenty of other seats available.
- The skanky whore behind us who WOULD NOT SHUT UP during the movie.
- The weenie who slapped the lame "happy ending" onto an otherwise decent movie called "The Interpreter."
- The pathetic dickhead who tried to "race" me from a stoplight when I was heading home from the movie... in a Honda CRX with a hilarious-looking spoiler (over a foot tall!) on the back.
- The dumbass monkey-spanker who just flooded me with trackback spam advertising "hot and horny teens."
I think that it would probably go something like this...
And yet, if I went around blowing up the heads of people who rightly deserve to be headless... it would be I who was considered a criminal! It's a world gone mad.
MAD I SAY!!! All I know is that it would not be wise to piss me off. I may not have head-exploding psychic powers
now, but if I continue to keep growing more and more brilliant every day, it's only a matter of time.
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If you ever develop head exploding powers I hope you’ll take requests.
Hey… that’s a girl sitting beside Dave. Is she a reader? Is she your sister? Is she scoring bonus points towards a prize pack? oh nevermind…
That your new girlfriend? You look good together.
What are mega-bangs? Did she have cherry bombs planted in her hair, set to explode at opportune times to show she’s excited? Because that’s what they’d be in my world.
Hee hee – girlonaglide: Not only is that girl sitting beside Dave but she seems to be joinging in on the whole “head exploding” malarky. She doesn’t seem scared or anything. I may be reading too much into his cartoons of course but I think Dave really should tell us who this “partner in crime” is. 😛 😛
Exploding head requests?? For my readers, anything.
Everybody can calm down… she’s just a friend and ex-co-worker who happens to like movies as much as I do. Though I do think she would not mind a bit if I had exploded the head in front of us. I also think that she would not object if I decide to stage a coup and become the new Pope. In fact, everybody can start referring to me as “His Holiness” now.
“Mega-Bangs” (which should not be confused with “Roller Bangs”) is an 80’s hair-style that does not seem to want to die here in the suburbs and backwater towns of the Pacific Northwest. It involves lots of gel and hairspray to get obscene height and volume… but only in the front.
His Holiness, I would like to add to the head exploding request list. The people that go thru the 12 items or less lane when they have a cart full of stuff. Not only does this happen all the time in hick town usa,(Hamilton, OH)but they do it with pride.
Oh yes. People who abuse the express lanes will be the first to get all exploded. Along with people who use the self-checkout, but clog up the line because they don’t know how to scan a barcode. And that goes for people who can’t figure out the automated ticket machines at the movie theater. And the people who don’t know their balance at the ATM, so they have to keep punching in lesser and lesser amounts until they hit a number that their account can actually pay. And people who let their kids go apeshit while you are waiting in line (and the kids too, for that matter). And the people at the video store who go to the checkout line to get movie suggestions. And those people at the bank who don’t fill out their deposit slips BEFORE getting in line. And the people who get in line at a fast food restaurant, but don’t bother to figure out what they want UNTIL they get to the register. People at the drive-through who do the same things. And the people who…
uhhhh… see what I mean?
Dear Yer Holyness,
Can you please explode the head of the f*cker who stole my purse? That would be grreeaat. Please also ‘splode the head of the many Europeans who refuse to understand the concept of “queueing”, “manners” and “deodorant”.
I will follow you with baggies to clean up the post-‘splode mess. Like pooper scooper bags, but for shitferbrains instead.
Thanks, Yer Holiferousness.
His hole-in-his-pants, I forgot to ask; did Patrick McGoohan have a small but significant role in your imaginative misdemeanors?
Patrick McGoohan… as in Dr. Paul?!? No. No. No. You are way off base… more like Michael Ironside… as in Darryl Revok!! Yeah!
I am evil. EVIL TO THE CORE!!
🙂
Dave,
That’s a good list you’ve got started. Spammers should really be moved to the top though … followed by people who buy stuff from spammers. Oh, and Bob and his buddy who is steppin’ large from the Enzyte commercials — and his happy partner back at the clubhouse. Maybe after you get head exploding down to an art you could move on up to structures and just take out the Enzyte World HQ (which I am troubled to say is in Dayton, Ohio … I think). [I was home with a sick boy last week and watched a lot of Spike TV. Every other commercial was for Enzyte. So, they are currently near the top of my list. They’re sort of TV spammers.]
I remember when a trip to Hamilton, Ohio was a trip to the big city. If Hamilton is hicksville now, does that mean it’s fallen on hard times? Or was Franklin, Ohio just hickier? Probably the latter. (This was all 20 or so years ago.)
Regarding Enzyte’s Bob, I gotta say, I think Bob is pretty snappy on the dance floor.
Regarding Dave’s skank, look at all those empty seats! Why’d she have to sit right in front of Dave and his companion?? Biatch.
I haven’t seen the base in years, just a speck on the horizon.
OK i’ll try this. I’ll tell Patrick McGoohan on you, he’ll put a stop to your misdemeanors!
Look, i just wanted to get Patrick McGoohan mentioned on your comment pages ‘cos he rules!
“Be seeing you.”
If you ever do receive the ability to explode peoples heads, please look me up. I might need to borrow your super skill sometime.
Dave,
As we discussed, how about those people who think they are using a phrase correctly but are just butchering it obscenely? Or is that just a “mute point” ; )
A lot of people are wanting me to explode heads here… I think that I might have to train my evil monkey to do that so we can keep up with demand.
People who don’t know the difference between “mute” and “moot” probably don’t deserve to have their heads all exploded and stuff… but they at least deserve a good bitch-slapping. How else will they ever learn?
This is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY late, but:
Exploding heads just reminded me of a short story by Stephen King (it was in a book of short storys by him, “Night Shift”). It was this dude who developed alien eyes on his hands, and the hands had the power to wave in some wierd gesture and blow people’s heads off. After burning his hands off, the dude got them on his chest.
Creepy.
Well, that’s Stephen King for ya!
Ha! Ha Ha! Ha Ha HAAAAAAAAA!