What the fuck is taking McDonald's so long to roll out the McPlant veggie burger nation-wide?

It's been THREE YEARS. They can't get their shit together in THREE YEARS? And why in the hell would you debut it in Texas, of all places. It seems like the percent of the population who's vegetarian/vegan in Texas would be fairly low compared to other states...

This is so embarrassing.

Though... the only reason I give a shit about the McPlant is because it's closer to me than the incredible Impossible Whopper at Burger King. Otherwise, I'd be eating at Burger King all day long because not only did they release their vegetarian option nation-wide, but they did so years ago, and it's fucking delicious.

Help.

I go to bed thinking about my ketchup. I wake up craving my ketchup. I have been obsessed with homemade ketchup for three days now. I'm on Batch No. 6 trying to find my favorite recipe with no end in sight.

Which is dangerous for me, because I'm eating a lot of veggie burgers and fries lately...

What I've learned in my experiments so far...

• I am sticking with 6oz. cans of tomato paste. So nice to be able to whip up a fresh batch when I want it, though it does keep nicely for a week in the refrigerator. I've found that letting the flavors meld overnight in the refrigerator gives a better balanced ketchup.
• Different brands of tomato paste have different thicknesses. Usually the cheaper store brands are thinner and the premium brands thicker. I prefer the thicker stuff because I can add more vinegar taste while keeping the ketchup thick. I will never go back to thin, pourable ketchup ever again.
• I like sweeter ketchup. Not sickly sweet, but with a little extra sugar to make it more like candied tomatoes.
• I don't add salt. And if I do, it's barely any because the food I put it on is salted. Even if there's no salt on the food, I still prefer ketchup without.
• For that reason I don't add any "salted" spices like celery salt and garlic salt.
• The most common "kick" of spice in recipes I've found is cayenne pepper. But I prefer chili powder. It has a more pleasing complexity to it. And it doesn't take much to be noticed. But once you go past the point where it's noticed, the heat makes a very tasty sauce indeed. Fries with ketchup that's got some heat to it? Magic.
• One of the things I've tried in my experiments is eliminating ingredients to see which spices aren't contributing to the flavor. Turns out they're all important. Not only that, but the more variety of spices I add the better it tastes to me. I prefer ketchup with smaller amounts of more spices than larger amounts of less spices. The most surprising? Celery seed powder. In my 6oz. can recipe, I only use around 1/8 teaspoon of the stuff, but it really makes a difference. Makes me happy that I accidentally bought the powder instead of the seeds.
• One of the varieties I've happened upon that I really love is double oregano ketchup (which I'm calling "Italian Ketchup"). And where it's best used? As pizza sauce! Seriously! No more buying jars of prepared pizza sauce from the stores either. This stuff is amazing on a toasted bagel then broiled with mozzarella cheese on top.
• After I go through all the usual spices like black pepper, garlic powder, oregano, onion powder, chili powder, mustard, celery powder... I've been experimenting with others. The best I've found are some of the African spices I've been addicted to. Mostly blends like Berbere, Ras El Hanout, and The Spice House Marrakesh Market Blend. Many include a touch of "warm" spices like cinnamon or cumin or cardamom blended with peppers and such. Even small amounts add really cool complexity to the flavor profile.

I never realized just how bad ketchup is from the store. Even the premium brands are watery and boring. But after making my own? There's really nothing better. And the fact that you can customize it so easily makes to make a condiment that suits your individual tastes? Perfect.

I may be melting from working too hard when it's too hot, but don't you fear... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• LIFE-CHANGING NEWS! I WILL NEVER BE BUYING KETCHUP AGAIN! Tonight I wanted a burger for dinner. I had used the last of my ketchup, so I went to grab a fresh bottle... and... I DON'T HAVE ANY! CANCEL MY AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP, BECAUSE HOW DO YOU RUN OUT OF KETCHUP IN THE USA? But I had tomato paste, so I Googled a recipe. There are many. All of them have vinegar and sugar, then spices. And so I decided to just roll my own and wing it on the spices until it tasted good. I just kept adding them... black pepper, garlic powder, oregano, onion powder, chili powder, mustard, celery powder, berbere, and a little cayenne. INCREDIBLE!

I COULD EAT THIS OUT OF THE BOWL! IT WAS SO GOOD ON MY BURGER THAT I AM COOKING FRIES SO I CAN SMOTHER THEM IN IT! I WILL NEVER BUY STORE KETCHUP EVER AGAIN! LOVE. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Guess running out of store-bought ketchup was a blessing in disguise.

   
• Exploding Kittens! Netflix has an animated series that takes its name from the Exploding Kittens card games which doesn't really follow the game. Instead it focuses on God and the Devil being banished to earth as... cats? They had Tom Ellis who played Lucifer for six seasons, so the fact that he's God now is clever casting...

It's pretty well done, over all. Some hilarious moments and pretty good stories. If you've got Netflix, it's worth checking out.

   
• Manny! So... The Hollywood Reporter has taken a quote completely out of context to use as a headline, and it's pretty bad. Especially given what Manny Jacinto actually had to say. My comment left on their Facebook follows...

"I understand that you have to create click-bait headlines so people will visit your site... but was it really necessary to pull this quote completely out of context so it makes him seem like a raving prima donna instead of being grateful to have the job and be a part of the movie? — 'There was this sense of where the film was going [on set], like I can see them focusing the camera more on these [other] guys and not taking so much time on our scenes. Fortunately, it still was a great experience — you get to see this huge machine at work, see how Tom Cruise works, and you get to be a small part of this huge franchise.'"

What a shitty fucking way to misrepresent what Manny was trying to say. He seems like a nice guy. I loved him in The Good Place and he's darn good in The Acolyte. But I guess you can't have an Asian guy making it in Hollywood. Gotta crush him by making him look bad to everybody and turn them against him. Just goes to show that there's an agenda in all "reporting"... even when it coes to entertainment "news."

   
• I CANNOT EVEN! Prague, one of the most beautiful cities on earth, is home to one of my favorite restaurants on the entire planet: Lehká Hlava (Clear Head). So to see the spreading of bullshit lies about Czech restaurants gaining traction out of ignorance is rage-inducing. Fortunately, Honest Guide is on the case...

It's like... come on. Can't people do the bare fucking minimum of looking into "injustices" before spreading idiotic crap like this? The answer is obviously no! because the truth isn't what's important any more. It's getting views and clicks.

   
• M3GAN! Okay... I tuned into this movie because it's got a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, but wasn't expecting much. I thought it was going to be a Chucky rip-off. BUT NOPE! This movie is nuts! In the best way, of course. SO DISTURBING!

If you've got Peacock, it's streaming there for free and is well worth your time.

   
• And Now... a Reminder! "There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'" ― Isaac Asimov

And it's getting worse every fucking day.

   
• The Olds! And so the inevitable happened... President Biden pulled out of the race. As somebody who is not a fan, I shed zero tears. He's too old to be president, and it's ludicrous and cruel that he was ever being considered in the first place. Interesting to note... with Biden gone, that makes Trump the oldest person in the history of the United States to be on the ticket for president. Blergh. He's too fucking old too! He's only three years younger than Biden, for Christ's sake. And his mental abilities are decidedly worse, because he doesn't have Biden's stutter to keep distracting his brain while he's speaking. When are we going to stop with all these politicians who are too fucking old and out-of-touch to hold office?

   
And now I return you to our regular scheduled programming.

I ended up working half of the time of my "vacation" this past week, so I'm actually more tired than if I had not taken a vacation at all. But here I am... putting in the work blogging... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Sweet Niblets! I've been a fan of Defunctland for years. The other day I ran across an episode that I have never seen. Which is odd, because it's undoubtedly one of the most famous... solving a mystery that nobody knew needed solving. And it's a roller coaster, and it just gets more fascinating as it goes on. And the finale when the dominoes start falling? And that moment at the end where Kevin drops the bomb on you as to how he decided to honor the composer? chef's kiss It's an hour and a half. But it's brilliant. Just watch it. And if you can get to the end without feeling anything, then you're a stronger person than I am...

Now that's some investigative reporting! A very good episode, regardless of your feelings about Disney or Disney Channel. Because that tidbit about the pre-marketing for Finding Nemo? Holy shit. That's undoubtedly how the whole world works now. Corporations buy politicians to make laws and promote ideas that are setting the stage for their future plans. Corporations pay movie stars and influencers to get people indoctrinated into a way of thinking which suits their goals. It's genius and very sinister indeed.

   
• Useful Vandalism! I don't know why this video was recommended to me, but I am really happy it was...

Given the shitty bureaucracy that plagues life in These United States, I applaud this. It wasn't malicious. It wasn't a distraction. It wasn't superfluous. It was a much-needed addition which had been overlooked for far, far too long. I had to drive in L.A. many times during the "Era of Maps," and I know that I certainly would have appreciated this!

   
• May The Chocolate Be With You! Ooh! Look what I found at the grocery store...

They taste like OREOs, so they're delicious, of course. But the cookie stamps are darn good too...

Just the treat for a Star Wars fan!

   
• Poster! And speaking of a treat for Star Wars fans, this is also a treat for hardcore restoration fans like myself...

A stunning poster beautifully restored. I don't know about you, but doesn't it seem shocking how you can just toss soap and bleach on a printed poster... then pressure wash it... and not have it completely turn to pulp?

   
• Cat Distribution System! Would I give up my entire vacation to some exotic location to rescue an animal?

Yes. Yes I would.

   
• Disposability! I have written on this blog many times about how frustrating it is that clothes I own from 15-20 years ago are still in great shape whereas something I bought last year is falling apart. It is maddening and financially grotesque. We are living in an age where everything is disposable and not meant to last. And now I've found a video that jumps into the why of it all...

And there you go. I gotta say... it is beyond gross how US politicians can't get off their fucking asses and actually DO SOMETHING about this idiotic loophole that floods us with shitty clothes that are created out of exploitation. What the fuck is our government good for if they can't hop on a no-brainer action like this?

   
Now for a much-deserved couple hours doing nothing.

The last time I was in Seattle I had to wait for my eyes to normalize before driving home.

Rather than sit in a parking lot somewhere, I drove down the road to my favorite restaurant to wait things out. Who can resist a lunch at The Cheesecake Factory...

I had my usual, the Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes...

Then also decided to try the Avocado Tacos. Which surprised me when they came because the shells weren't corn, they were jicama...

The avocado wasn't some tiny slice either, it was a full quarter of one in each, battered and deep-fried...

Every day since, all I can think about is going back to The Cheesecake Factory. Which makes me glad that there's not a location near me. I'd be bankrupt and weight 500 pounds.

The temperature has been getting steadily hotter, but I'm not entirely melted just yet... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Hunt and Peck! This behind-the-scenes showing Post Malone using a typewriter for the first time makes me feel very old, but it's also pretty funny...

I used to have a manual typewriter that was lost when I moved stuff out of storage years ago. I also had a cheap electric which was never returned after somebody borrowed it. I really wish that I had either of them, because it seems a retro-cool way to communicate.

   
• Drained! Ha! XKCD reeeeeally has a thing for Dutch colonization and the Netherlands taking over the world!

We dump so much shit in the oceans that the junk would probably just plug the hole, if we're being honest.

   
• Health "Care." It blows my fucking mind how the IRS can put limits on individual contributions to your Health Savings Account. I should be able to contribute however much I need to in order to cover my legitimate medical expenses so I can get a tax break on those expenses. But no. I have to pay taxes on money going towards health expenses because I had big expenses this year. That is truly fucked. We should have our health care covered by our taxes instead of it being pissed away to insurance companies who leach money from the system for profit... but if we can't have that, then why the fuck can't we at least contribute whatever the hell we want whenever the hell we want to our HSA? More bullshit by our elected officials who are fucking OWNED by the insurance lobbyists...

I'm wondering for the hundredth time why American citizens haven't taken a fucking flamethrower to this country given how badly we get fucked over by our government. Absolutely everything is designed to screw over citizens while handing money and power over to greedy fucking assholes.

   
• McGamer! I love things like this! What a wild journey!

   
• Unexplainably Juicy! The new Sparkling Ice Starburst flavors are amazing. Seriously the best flavors they've ever made. Especially Orange and Strawberry...

Can't believe they're Zero Sugar, Zero Carbs, and only 5 Calories!

   
• Anakin! It really bothers me when I think back to how much I loathed Hayden Christensen for "ruining Star Wars" when it was never him. It was the shitty script and dialogue he was given. I am so happy that he's been given a chance at redemption and is nailing it...

It will be interesting to see if he gets any more Star Wars work, seeing as how they are running out of ways to shoe-horn him in the places he's popping up already.

   
And now back to our regularly-scheduled hotness.

Happy Father's Day, everybody! And now prepare to upgrade the last day of the weekend... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• D'oh! New Orleans is my favorite American city. This wonderful video where a scene from Homer eating his way through the city has been recreated. I couldn’t love it more...

I don't know what impresses me more. That The Simpsons was so faithful to the locations... or that they bought all that food to recreate it,

   
• CowPhobia86! Okay, this is genius...

It's the ranch dressing love at the very end that makes it so good. That's Jonathan Harris for you!

   
• Chips! I love these Jolly school videos. And this one is particularly hilarious because it turns the tables a bit. And then... they mentioned a "chip butty," a sandwich I used to eat all the time, but stopped for whatever reason. Probably because I ate so many I got tired of them.

And so... I had one for lunch today. Dang it was good. Fries in a white bread sandwich with butter. I also like a chip butty on a bun with ketchup and mayo like a burger. Yummeh.

   
• FAKE! I've said many, many times that 95% of Influencer Culture is fake as fuck. I'm probably lowballing it. This is just bonkers. But we knew it would be...

The thing that really bothers me is that people judge their lives by the lives of these lying influencer assholes.

   
• Wright! The current season of Top Chef is SO good. I've loved all the chefs. Not an asshole in the bunch. They're all competitive while being supportive. I'm way behind, but I'm going back to re-watch the Frank Lloyd Wright episode again because it's peak Top Chef for me. As a massive Wright fan, it's so cool to see his work factor into a challenge. But all the challenges have been good, and it's really freshened up the show for me (which has been slowly stagnating over the years)...

Sad that Padme is gone, but Kristen Kish is killing it. They couldn't have picked a better host.

   
• Who Watches the Watchmen? Oh interesting! I wonder if they will be faithful to the source material or if they will Zack Snyder it up. Again...

After watching the HBO sequel... and how they actually made the REAL ending that the movie dropped for some astoundingly stupid reason... I hoped that one day we might get a faithful adaptation. This is probably as close as we're going to get.

   
• Trash App! Facebook announced that they removed a photo of mine. They say it violates their community guidelines when it comes to suicide and self harm or whatever. They won't show what it was. And when I request a review so I can ask what it was, that's not an option...

How the fuck are you supposed to do ANYTHING on this stupid app to keep out of trouble when you don't even know what it is that gets you into trouble? Facebook is trash. And now they keep showing me "Help is available."

   
And now back to your regularly-scheduled .

For the LOVE OF GOD, Coca-Cola... could you please stop making it exponentially more confusing to buy your products?

I walk into the mini-mart to buy a Coke Zero. But instead I have to stand there for five minutes trying to figure out which bottle is just plain ol' original Coke Zero. You're flooding the market with a stupid number of variants that nobody gives a shit about which reduces the number of lanes available for the product everybody wants. then you keep changing the labels and hiring shitty fucking designers who let promo art TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER YOUR FUCKING PRODUCT NAME?!? I needed a pair of reading glasses to suss out what the hell I was holding, but I didn't have any so I had to take a picture with my phone so I could zoom in and see if this was actually Coke Zero...

At the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM you need to have an EFFECTIVE calm space behind the product name so that consumers older than 30 CAN ACTUALLY READ WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. And why are Coke and Coke Zero the same color? Make Coke signature red. Take Coke Zero back to black. That would eliminate 50% of the confusion right there.

Stupid marketing shit drives me insane. It drives me thermonuclear insane when companies with millions of dollars hire design firms who don't know how to market products correctly. Making sure the customer can quickly and easily understand and find your product is Design 101. Stop working with shitty design firms who don't know the ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM OF EFFECTIVE PRODUCT DESIGN.

I'd redesign their labels for free just so I could find the shit when I walk into a shop... but effective design isn't something Coke gives a shit about, apparently, so I guess I start taking reading glasses to the mini-mart.

There's no Krispy Kreme anywhere near me. Which is probably a good thing, because their "doughnuts" are pure sugar, and I don't need to be eating that.

But I was in Seattle yesterday for eye surgery and there's a Krispy Kreme on the way home... AND DOLLY PARTON HAS A COLLABORATION WITH THEM FOR A COLLECTION OF FOUR EXCLUSIVE NEW FLAVORS!! If you don't think I'm stopping by for a half-dozen to support Dolly Parton, then you don't know me at all...

Once I walked inside, I saw that Dolly's Southern Sweets Doughnut Collection was displayed together on the top row in a place of honor...

I wanted a half-dozen, so I got two each of the ones that I thought I'd like best (Spoiler Alert: my guesses for favorites were correct). Look at how pretty...

Here they are, in order of preference...

• #1: Peachy Keen Cobbler Doughnut. This one isn't drenched in that absurdly sweet Krispy Kreme glaze before they add everything, and it makes a huge difference. It's a solid donut with peach filling that's dipped in brown sugar glaze with a crunchy cobbler topping. It's fantastic. The peach flavor really shines through, and that topping helps cut the sweetness so it's not making your teeth shake quite as much.
• #2 Chocolate Crème Pie. Had they not drenched it in glaze, it would have been better... but it's still darn good. They swirl chocolate brownie and vanilla cream on top and sprinkle with cookie crumbles. The chocolate/vanilla hit is substantial, so you're not overwhelmed by the glaze underneath.
• #3 Banana Puddin’ Pie. This is another unglazed donut filled with banana pudding that's got Nilla Wafer crumbs in it. They then frost the top, add frosting swirls to make signature Dolly butterfly wings, then add crushed Nilla Wafers to make the butterfly body. The banana tastes a touch artificial, which is the only drawback for me (other than the fact that whomever decorated my donut used too big of a frosting tip to pipe the wings).
• #4 Dolly Dazzler Doughnut. Ungodly sweet. There was no reason to glaze this thing before frosting with strawberry icing, but they did it anyway. The sparkling sugar crystals were icing on the icing on the cake, which just made a too sweet thing even sweeter. AND THEN... as if this thing wasn't too much sugar already, they added a white chocolate butterfly on top (which was a bit waxy, but my favorite part of the donut). The strawberry flavor was good though, and I would definitely have liked it better without the glaze base.

But anyway... a triumph. Could have been better if they'd just stop with the glaze already, but I was very happy with them. If you've got a Krispy Kreme in your area then it's definitely worth stopping by.

Deciding to treat yourself is something that's increasingly difficult to afford. But after the bad week I had been having, I decided to stop at McDonald's on my way home yesterday for a couple breakfast biscuits (hey, I'll eat vegan at home).

But instead of the delicious fluffy biscuit I've come to expect, I got a tough, chewy, mockery of a biscuit that was (literally) hard to swallow...

It's like COME ON. Why would you serve an overcooked, shitty biscuit like this? Especially when you're charging a butt-load of money for the privilege of buying one? It's as if restaurants are all too happy to serve crap food and make unhappy customers if it saves them 10¢ to just cook another biscuit. Well, lesson learned. McDonald's doesn't care about serving food worth buying, so I guess I won't.

And then there's this...

Keith Lee is the hero we need right now.

I stopped eating at Chipotle Mexican Grill a couple years ago for exactly this reason. Don’t keep raising prices only to give me less food. And, yes, I know that it's the individual restaurant franchise which sets portion amounts. But if enough people refuse to put up with it and enough people stop eating there, then Chipotle Corporate is going to have to do something.

So now I’m taking a pass on Chipotle for crap portions and McDonald's because I’m tired of getting stale fries and tough biscuits. That's on top of other restaurants that I gave up on long ago like Quizno's and Johnny Rockets. The only fast food I’m eating now is Burger King for their incredible Impossible Whopper (and onion rings)... and Wendy's for everything they offer that’s vegetarian-friendly, because it’s always fresh and tasty (PERFECT FRIES AND BISCUITS EVERY TIME!).

I’m happy that people are done with being taken advantage of by fast-food restaurants that are no longer worth it. Maybe they’ll get the message and stop expecting people to pay for their bullshit.