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Posted on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

Dave!Everybody has a thing.

My thing is to draw cartoons on my blog.

Some people's thing is being able to tie a cherry stem in a knot using their tongue. Other people's thing is being able to talk backwards. Still other people's thing is to urinate in public places. "What is Reggie doing?" — "Oh, he's peeing in public... that's his thing." Yes, everybody has some kind of minor talent that they become known for, and it gets labeled "their thing."

After the tragedy in trying to get a veggie burger at the Johnny Rockets restaurant in University Village yesterday, I decided to ride the SLUT (Seattle Lake Union Trolley) down to Pacific Place and try the Johnny Rockets there. As I was walking by Nordstroms, I noticed a woman in a Seattle Seahawks jersey randomly saying "fuck you" to passing people.

Apparently that's her thing.


It was actually quite charming at first. But then I started thinking about the rough day I've had, and suddenly found myself undergoing a major philosophical shift. "Holy crap!," I said to myself, she's absolutely right! FUCK YOU EVERYBODY!!"

And I'm starting with those fuckers at the Webkinz eStore.

As Blogography readers know, I was given a Webkinz pet monkey by Ninja Poodle's daughter. Along with the physical stuffed animal, you also get to play with your pet online at Webkinz World, where my monkey looks like this...

Dave's Webkinz Monkey

Every day I have to login and play with my monkey... feed my monkey... help my monkey work in his garden... buy my monkey new toys... and so on. Knowing that I was going to be traveling for five months straight, I decided to have Zack, the nephew of a friend, check in on my monkey from time to time to make sure he doesn't die or something. The kid has a half-dozen Webkinz of his own, and they're all still alive, so I figured he was the man for the job. As a thank you, I bought him some stuff from the Webkinz eStore that he could give to his own pets.

After a couple days, I got a call from Zack letting me know that he liked the pirate ship bedroom I had built in my little corner of Webkinz World, and then told me that I should really buy the eStore Suit of Armor for my monkey because it would be really cool. When I visited the store, I agreed the armor looked pretty sweet, and paid $7.00 to buy it. I then emailed the purchase code to Zack so he could armor-up my monkey.

The next day I get another phone call. "The armor is broken! The gloves are missing and monkey looks lame! If he were to get in a fight, his arms would be cut off!" This was surprising, because when I bought the armor, it showed a full-suit. But when I logged in, I saw exactly what Zack was talking about. In reality, the armor looks nothing like what the picture showed, and my monkey was indeed now LAME...

The Webkinz Armor Lie

So I wrote a complaint to the Webkinz eStore. Nobody wrote back, so I wrote another complaint. Today, they finally contacted me back... not by email, but by phone. They called me! After explaining the problem, the woman on the line basically told me "tough shit." The monkey doesn't have four paws, so the armor is going to look different on him. She then told me that maybe they would work on a way to show people what the armor would look like on the various pets so customers could make a more informed buying decision, but that's all they're going to do. They were not going to refund my $7.00.

Needless to say, this made me very pissed off.

I don't give a crap if my monkey doesn't have four paws... give him some gauntlet gloves instead then! That is, after all, how they advertise the Suite of Armor on the front page of their site when they say "Get your FULL armor here!"...

The Webkinz Armor Lie

This is false advertising. My monkey does NOT have a FULL suit of armor! They LIE to people so they can rob them of $7.00, then send them some lame armor that looks NOTHING like what they are selling! It's a classic bait and switch con game and is ILLEGAL! But Webkinz is a popular and wealthy company, so they don't feel they owe their customers shit, and lying to everybody is perfectly okay.


It is so ON...

Webkinz Store showing weapons... guns, swords, bow and arrows, etc.

I'm just getting started on your lying Webkinz asses. You have no idea who you are fucking with...

Categories: DaveLife 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. Janna says:

    I live way out in the middle of nowhere, in rural Michigan. Thus I have no access to crazy ladies shouting “FUCK YOU” on public transportation vehicles.
    So, if it’s ok, I’m just gonna have to live vicariously through you.

  2. martin says:

    Bring those corporate bastards to their knees…….

  3. kilax says:

    Does he at least have a sword?!

  4. carlos m. hernandez says:

    Did you question them about the lack of tail armour? ‘Cause it looks like your monkey is going to be losing that in addition to his arms.

    Now if I could just figure out what my ‘thing’ is. Does being an overly-cynical misanthrope count as a ‘thing’?

  5. Avitable says:

    This reminds me of the time my EZ Bake Oven bulb burnt out and technical support was no help.

  6. Mocha says:

    Bella will be so upset. You’re going to take those Webkinz folks to the woodshed.

    There are far too many ‘playing with Dave’s monkey’ jokes to make here. I’ll resist. Just this once.

  7. Kyra says:

    Both my kids just got Webkinz. They’re obsessed with it too. But I’ll have to point out stuff doesn’t always look right on the pets. 🙁

  8. metalmom says:

    Do you have any idea of how many webkinz my puppy can jack with that sweet Samurai sword?? How much are you willing to put it on the market for??

  9. Lady Jaye says:

    I think the most disturbing part of all of this for me personally is that in the last image they say that the Deathbringer Samurai Sword is “only available to pets with homicidal tendencies.”

    What the hell is that? Since when do pets have homicidal tendencies. Why would I want a homicidal pet? That pet could very well turn on me and kill me in my sleep.

  10. jenny says:

    Can you buy brass knuckles? Because then you monkeykinz can still lay a beat down on the webkinz people.

  11. NYCWD says:

    I should inform you that you have in fact affected change. They now have a mode that shows the armor on the different body types of the WebKinz pets.

    I just happen to know this.

    Not because I have my own Webkinz, or thought about buying the same armor after finally getting a box of the WebKinz Series 2 trading cards trying to collect the exclusive Series 2 Card Room Theme.

    So… just out of curiosity… how much for the whip?

  12. whall says:


    I can’t take you seriously if you don’t have a mace in the weapons list.

  13. Jen says:

    Ah, Webkinz. My son’s greatest joy and his greatest heartache. One day a bunch of his stuff just disappeared and we couldn’t get it back. I checked their FAQ and it pretty much says “Can’t find your stuff? You’re not looking hard enough!” An email got us pretty much the same answer along with the comment that if the stuff really is missing then we’re pretty much just outta luck. So annoying!
    The point is, I’m applauding your new, not-so-friendly Webkinz cartoons.

  14. ssp says:

    I am not sure I even understand what this is about (buying silver pixels for a digital pet?!), but it sounds amusing.

    Of course you know that you should try getting that digital monkey into serious drinking, smoking, gambling and whoring habits. Let’s hope that’s possible.

  15. Winter says:

    I have learned a valuable lesson here today. 1) Do not buy armor for a monkey. 2) Don’t fuck with or otherwise piss off Dave because some kinda bad karmic doom will be headed your way. Or he may just sic the armed monkey on you. Either way, beware the Wrath of Dave2.

  16. Lewis says:

    Right back at ya, big Dave…fuck you! With all of the love in my heart.

  17. Tracy says:

    Perhaps if you touched your monkey daily, you wouldn’t be so angry! 😉

  18. Belinda says:

    We had no idea what we were about to inflict upon the world.

    Prepare for the onslaught of pre-teens with computer access and no spelling skills who spend half their days Googling “webkinz” and will find this post. And now SCHOOL’S OUT.

    I think that hand-to-hand weaponry is most fitting the Webkinz style. Handguns, not so much.

  19. sizzle says:

    I still haven’t ridden the SLUT. I want one of those shirts that say “I Rode the SLUT” because I am classy like that.

  20. bluepaintred says:

    thats odd, I checked all over the W shop, but cannot find the weapons section. I *so* wanted to buy the sword and shield!

    Screw it, I’m going gem hunting.

  21. Take ’em down, Dave… Take ’em down!

  22. Chris says:

    If I could buy my pet weapons and sex toys I might be tempted to have one myself…

  23. Finn says:

    The Webkinz store doesn’t have a fitting room?

  24. You said you “play with my monkey… feed my monkey… help my monkey work in his garden…”

    But do you spank your monkey?

  25. IRV says:


  26. ChillyWilly says:

    Incomplete monkey armor would piss me off, too. It’s just not right. As you said, what if the monkey is in a battle and part of him is exposed and gets cut… what’s the purpose of being in partial armor and going to battle? Lame and massive FAIL.

  27. I think you may need to start a grown up version of webkinz. Maybe your banana hammock will be what I was thinking it was when my daughter told me her monkey had one.

  28. Poppy says:

    You crack me up, Dave2.

  29. Stacey says:

    I think the ‘fuck you fuck you fuck you ALL!” lady was on my bus yesterday too.

  30. Hilly Sue says:

    Uh oh, it’s the Deathbringer….clear the way for Dave and his not-so-sheathed monkey!

  31. Charlene says:

    great post… love those little webkins
    I’m off to get off

  32. Motley says:

    Whoa, Webkinz sucks. I think I’ll stick to Gaia, where buying stuff with actual money is entirely up to the individual. And when you do buy stuff… It doesn’t usually cost more than $2.75 per item. =D

  33. Willo says:

    Oh my god … do they REALLY sell weapons on Webkinz?

  34. Elfenkate says:

    I will never be a Webkinz person. Ever.
    I’m a Neopets girl. And like Gaia it’s optional to spend real cash.

    Fuck Webkinz! Fuck them with a big monkey sword!

    Oh my! Crazy lady at keyboard! Eeekkk!

  35. heather says:

    thanks for the heads up on this. cheeks has 3 webkinz and asked about buying armor for her pony. i told her she’d have to wait cause i’m not all that into paying for stuff on their site. there’s plenty of stuff for her to do without paying extra for stuff that apparently doesn’t even work right.

  36. Shash says:

    I WAS going to go the Webkinz, but now? No way, Jose. When you are finished with them, THEY’LL be the ones needing the armor!!!

  37. Kachina says:


    – bear with me.

    The effect is similar to chaps sans pants.

    The monkey needs the rest of his armor.

  38. Karl says:

    I’d scream bloody murder if my monkey didn’t have his hands covered. It’s just not right.

    And, um, SEVEN DOLLARS? Are you KIDDING ME?!

  39. Nicole says:

    You should design an Indiana Jones-esque fedora to go with that whip. Then your monkey would be really cool.

  40. margalit says:

    I’m astounded that you paid REAL money for a cartoon suit of armor. I’m with Karl. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

    Step away from the Webkinz. They are evil, Dave. EVIL. Draw your own armor. Bad Monkey is cuter than the fuzzy webkinz anyhow.


  41. Lisa says:

    I guess this isn’t a good time to ask if your WebKinz Bad Monkey wants to be friends with my Pinkles the Poodle or Rhinestone the Rhino. They are saving money for a Funky Girl House.

    No pink poodle slashing man.

  42. Michelle says:

    Was this 7 US dollars or 7 virtual dollars? Cuz 7 US dollars seems like alot to spend for virtual armor. Maybe I’m just cheap. But if I spent that much on virtual armor I’d be pissed too.

  43. We have a gazillion webkinz in this house, and one day several of my daughter’s room just completely disappeared as is totally gone and you couldn’t get the pets back to their rooms. Customer service said, “tough shit” to me too in so many words. They gave us webkinz money to buy some new rooms, but it soured me forever.

    Take me to the samurai store!

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