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Posted on Thursday, January 12th, 2006

Dave!Society will eventually turn me into a psychotic killer.

Though, in the event that the District Attorney should ever question you about my mental state, I'd appreciate it greatly if you would keep that to yourself. If I ever DO go on trial for murder, I think that I should like to go free so I could kill again.

Because I hear that once you've tried killing, you really get a taste for it.

And speaking of taste, do parents teach their kids eating manners anymore? Little things like...

  • Chew with your mouth closed.
  • Don't talk with your mouth full.
  • Take small bites so it fits in your mouth
  • etc. etc. etc.

Anybody? Because it seems that everywhere I go, there's at least one person with positively appalling manners. I am getting really grossed out at having to listen to people smack away at their food while watching them chew with their mouths wide open, or having them spit food at me while they're talking...

Dave Chew

Last week a work contact called me on the phone and I had to listen to her chomping away in my ear because she was too stupid to understand that it's RUDE to eat lunch while talking on the phone.

      It made me want to kill her.

Then yesterday I went to a bagel shop that's not really a bagel shop because the gummy crap they serve tastes nothing like a real bagel (so few "bagels" outside of New York City actually do), and had to wait for my take-out order next to somebody who was totally incapable of chewing with their mouth closed.

      He deserved to die quite badly.

And it's all because manners are getting to be a thing of the past. I guess people don't know any better, and probably wouldn't care if they did. Rude eaters should warn you of their bad behavior before inviting you to lunch... or, at the very least, ask permission first. I'm all for permission-based behavior...

  • Do you mind if I smoke?
  • Do you mind if I order an alcoholic beverage?
  • Do you mind if I fart?
  • Do you mind if I clip my fingernails?
  • Do you mind if I chew with my mouth open?
  • Do you mind if I spit food at you while I talk?
  • Do you mind if I take that taco and shove it up your ass so I don't have to watch you eat it?

I don't want to become a killer... honestly I don't. But can I really be blamed if society makes me a murdering psycho? Then it wouldn't be my fault, right... you'd forgive me?


Wanna do lunch sometime?

Categories: DaveLife 2006, Food 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. sandra says:

    I actually came thisclose to screaming, “STOP IT, YOU DISGUSTING PIG!!” to a girl in my office yesterday. She was standing next to my desk, behind my right shoulder, watching while I made edits to something she’d done, and was eating from a bag of popcorn. This would have been fine if she wasn’t chomping the living crap out of it, and kind of sticking her tongue out as she chewed…resulting in popcorn bits coming out of her mouth, onto my desk. It would be nearly impossible to overstate how grossed out I was. I sort of felt like the whole thing was in gory slow motion, and couldn’t listen to a thing she was saying.

    Short version: I hear you. And agree. Can I get an “amen”?!

  2. Rob says:


    But never fear. I am teaching my son of 4 years to chew with his mouth closed. To wait till people are done talking before speaking. That if you feel the need to leave the dinner table to ask. One major task has been the small bites. He seems to think if he can fit the whole piece of food in his mouth it’s better. But then that negates the chew with your mouth closed.

    Call me an authoritarian, but darn-it! my children will have manners.

  3. Nez says:

    This eating behavior makes public fingernail clipping seem almost civilized!

  4. Kevin says:

    I’ll do lunch with you, but do you mind if I spit food out while I laugh at your blog entry? No one’s around.

  5. Naomi says:

    I concur! AND I’ll help you get rid of the bodies if it ever gets to that.

  6. Kiri says:

    I was right there with ya except the breastfeeding an infant part. No one should have to ask permission to feed their baby.

  7. lizriz says:

    OK, now I’m afraid about our lunch. DEAR GOD, tell me I was OK…

  8. lizriz says:

    Oh, and that chewing graphic is really, really creepy.

  9. Dave2 says:

    Personally, breast feeding doesn’t bother me. But different people have different cultural backgrounds and beliefs, and I don’t think it is too much to ask that a woman politely inquire before whipping it out. Odds are, nobody is going to object, but it might save somebody from needless embarrassment or discomfort… and allow them a chance to excuse themselves for a minute if this would be a problem for them.

    Sadly, some people interpret this way of thinking as oppressive to women, which is not at all my intent. Tending to a child is a natural and perfectly acceptable activity… but respecting the feelings of others is a kindness that I don’t think is out of line. It’s not oppressive or disrespectful, it’s just politeness.

  10. Dave2 says:

    Hey Liz, you’re still ALIVE aren’t you?!?

    Nah… you were a lady of charm, wit, class, and impeccable manners during lunch and I would be happy to dine in the pleasure of your company any time. 🙂

  11. Cavan says:

    Worse yet – it looks as if you’re chewing on your own mucus in that graphic.

  12. jenny says:

    I’d take open-mouth chomping over public fingernail clipping anyday. People clip their nails at work, on planes, on trains. It’s just gross, and almost turns mild-mannered me into a psychotic killer. I mean really… do people really need to be taught that it’s a disgusting habit?


  13. CCovert says:

    I can totally relate. I was at work today and my boss walks up eating his hamburger. When I look up at him. he is staring at his hamburger making this very strange moaning sound. I seriously don’t even want to imagine what was going on in his mind.

  14. Jamie Dawn says:

    My daughter is quite the smacker whenever she eats cereal. It is unnerving, but I have managed to NOT murder her thus far.

    Do you mind if I cough one of those really, chesty, bringing up some serious snot kind of coughs while you’re eating?
    YES, I do! I lose my appetite when that happens. It’s good for dieting though.

  15. Chaz says:

    Since I feel the need to beat a dead horse, darn those people with lack of manners! No, double darn them! The more I look around these days the more people I find with absolutely no manners, and I mean NO manners. In fact, I’ve seen farm animals with better manners than many people. Since we live in a time where we’re willing to legislate everything, why can’t we lobby for a new manners bill with a penalty of death for violators! People would learn some manners pretty quickly then! That or we’d have a lot less idiots running around and a smaller, more polite population!

  16. Art says:

    Breast feeding? I’m all for public breast feeding. It would even be fine if they wanted to “whip it out” and pretend to be breast feeding an infant that they don’t have. Or just “whip it out” for no reason. When in doubt, whip it out. There should be a “whip it out” ad campaign. How about a “whip it out” government grant? “Whip it out” points that could be redeemed for fabulous prizes. Yeah public breastages………………..

  17. Kiri says:

    Dave, you’re speaking of poor manners here. Lumping breastfeeding a baby without getting permission from others around them into that category is, well… weird. Not that I thought you were normal. 😉

    Here’s what really happens, speaking from much personal experience having breastfed 4 babies: Baby starts screaming. Everyone gets annoyed. Mom tries to pacify baby with a bottle. Baby screams louder. Everyone is more annoyed.

    Mom finds a spot to sit down and nurse baby so baby can stop screaming and annoying everyone. Mom asks person next to her, “will this bother you?” Person next to her, having no manners (since we’re speaking of the general public) says, “Yes it’s gross. Do that disgusting thing in the bathroom”.

    See, they wouldn’t want to excuse themselves. They’d rather a mom go sit in a filthy stinky bathroom to feed their baby than possibly be exposed to some partial boob shots.

    FYI: I’m not talking about the weirdos who walk around with their boobs hanging out in case their kid wants a snack. I’ve seen that and THAT is weird. Although it seems Art wouldn’t object. 😉

  18. Rita says:

    Hey Dave, you forgot one…

    Do you mind if I blow loud obnoxious bubbles with
    my gum??

  19. Dave2 says:

    Naaahhh… but trust me when I say that there is a special corner of hell reserved just for you gum snappers! 🙂

  20. Belinda says:

    Oh, geez, the Phone Chewers. I can’t stand it. I am especially sensitive to the sound of other people chewing, and have to leave the room when my perfectly civilized (well) husband eats cereal. And that cartoon nearly killed me before I could avert my eyes.

    And I neverneverneverneverNEVER asked permission to nurse my baby in public, because THAT would have called attention to us, and I was perfectly capable of finding a good spot and totally stealth-nursing so that no one even knew what was going on. Heck, I even nursed her in church one Sunday morning. I thought hubby would blow a GASKET, but absolutely no one else knew. I asked him later, “Who do you think invented this system, anyway?”

    The secret, as any nursing mom knows, is bringing baby in to the breast, not bringing the breast OUT to the baby. Ta-Daaaaa!

    Sheesh, that’s enough of that.

  21. Michelle says:

    My sister absolutely cannot stand people smacking their gum. she’ll tell me to stop, but only give me looks if it is anyone else. the other night we were in a movie and there was an old lady behind us smacking her gum and my sister kept giving the old lady these evil looks. i wanted her to yell at the lady or perhaps poke her eyes out. but i’m much more tolerant than holly. fortunately we got caught up in the crap that is “memoirs of a geisha” and stopped hearing it, or maybe the lady choked on her gum and died. whichever works for me.

  22. Alessandra says:

    I could kill people that talk on the cell while driving. Ooohhh, I could kill you all!!

    But your post reminded me of something I read the other day about China. Specially your “cultural background” comment. Here is the link:

    You were there, did you see people doing things like that?

  23. TackleBox says:

    I hate the noise of lip smacking and the slurping noises more than seeing the chewed food when idiots chew with thier mouth open. For 3 years of my childhood I ate by myself in the formal dining room while my family ate at the kitchen table. I could not handle thier rude table manners. Except from my brother who has cerebral palsy, his noise didnt bother me because he could not help himself. It was my sisters and moms noises that drove me insane.

  24. Lynn says:

    I want to hurl when someone spews food while talking to me with a mouth stuffed full of food being projected toward me with every muffled word. It’s as disgusting as the open mouth cow chewing its cud routine. I don’t need to see food inside the oral cavity of a person across the table from me. The other rude behavior that annoys me to the brink of dumping potential husbands is how a television becomes the center of attention during meals. All dining takes place at sports bars or in front of a TV at home.

  25. Rick says:

    My co-worker next to me rotates between obnoxiously eating corn chips to chewing tobacco and loudly spitting in a can!!!!! EVERY DAY ALL DAY

    I am on the virge of a meltdown right now!

  26. Hallie says:

    I absolutely can’t stand people eating with their mouth open! eeew!My dad and sister do it all the time and don’t even realise it. I used to tell them to stop it but them my mum would get angry at me for butting into other peoples business. So now i just have to put up with it. It’s so unfair i can’t enjoy a meal anymore i have to try and eat as fast as i can with one hand covering one ear and the other hand speed feeding my self so i can get out of the room of chomping horses. It gets even worse my dad doesn’t eat anything at work for some unknown reason so by the time he gets home in the afternoon he’s absolutely starving and munches on dry bread from the packet…he must go through almost a loaf of bread a day chomping away with his mouth open. I have to ompletely avoid the kitchen between 5pm and 8pm because during this time he has a pre dinner bread munch then has dinner then decides to have a post dinner bread munch!!! I have to run into my room and cry because i get so frustrated with him…beleive me typing thyis is really letting out some serious frustration. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    seriously i just can’t wait till i finish school and can leave home…only for one reason to escape the disguisting chewing and i am making sure that i never marry a man who chews like a horse…i don’t know how my mum can stand it!!!! I will also train my children from the day they are born to have the best manners and they will never even dream of eating with their mouths open!

  27. Will says:

    Ugggghhhh!!! I hate it when people talk with their mouths full. Almost everyone in my family has good manners, but my little brother seems to have missed the memo! At dinner, he pushes his chair back, and puts his knees up, and picks at his food, only eating half of it. Then, after dinner, he goes and eats chips! My dad is trying to get him to stop, and I’m trying to get him to work on his eating habits, and my mom tells me “Don’t say things like that, because I don’t want him to have an eating disorder.” HE JUST ABOUT HAS ONE ALREADY!!!!!!!! I’M GETTING YELLED AT?????? It’s that kind of over-protective-ness and permissiveness that has allowed him to do that. If you don’t actually sit down and eat full meals, that will screw you up later in life. Recently, I was telling him this (and my mom) and he was refusing to eat at a Greek restaurant called Niko Niko’s (it’s awesome), while we were trying to get him to try a bit of lamb from the gyro (my older bro & I mostly) and he starts crying, and says he’s crying because I’m being a jerk! He refuses to survive on anything that doesn’t come with french fries, we’re at a nice restaurant, my mom is actually ORDERING him to eat the lamb, and I’M THE JERK????

    Also, he interrupts everyone ALL THE FREAKIN’ TIME!!!!! And then, someone starts speaking after he’s been silent for quite some time and we all assumed he finished speaking, and he gets all defensive: “Everybody complains about me interrupting, but everybody does it to me!” He and my dad were watching West Coast Choppers on tv the other day; apparently, my dad had already told him not to start talking during the show, to wait for the commercial. My brother suddenly sits up (after doing this fake laughter at his comics that he’s constantly being told to stop as it’s obnoxious) and starts saying “Wouldn’t it be cool…” my dad tells him to stop talking. He ignores my dad. My dad yells his name. He ignores my dad. I yell his name. He ignores me. My dad starts shouting, and starts getting up, to get his attention. He finally stops.

    And he finds it funny to constantly follow me around, stare at me, repeat everything I say, etc. He’s told over & over to quit being a pest. When I remind him, he says “Oh, I forgot.” That’s what he always says. “I forgot” or “I didn’t know.”


  28. Anonymous says:

    I am glad I’m not alone here – I have visions of taking a very very sharp instrument and cutting poeple to bits when they chomp and eat with their mouth open. My dad unfortunately is one of them and i have murderous thoughts. He has never been taught to shut his damn mouth while eating… he sticks his tongue out, eats with his mouth wide open and goes chomp chomp chomp.. if only he wasn’t my father…..
    For now i just use ear plugs when he’s around and don’t look at him when he’s eating. I get fits of rage when I see him eat. Aaarghhh.. how can any human being eat like that …!?

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