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Posted on Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Dave!I am not a big fan of when people blog about their medical problems. Not because I think it's boring or stupid or anything... it's just that I find the inner workings of the human body to be "icky" and don't like to think about that kind of stuff.

Especially when it comes to talking about my own medical problems.

Because somewhere along the way "puss" or "mucus" or "bile" or some other kind of nastiness is just bound to creep into the conversation, and I'd really prefer not getting into it.

But I am not having a very pleasant evening, and the situation is all I really have to blog about right now. So rather than leaving a blank entry, I thought I'd find a way to discuss matters in a way that's not going to gross anybody out.

A metaphor, if you will.

Let's say that you built a new greenhouse where the plants require special water. Highly filtered water, you might say. So you build a nice system where dual filtration units remove all the impurities, then pass the filtered water off into a bucket. The bucket in turn feeds a massive nozzle which you then use to spray your plants...

Filtration System Schematic

The key to comprehending this system is understanding just how massive the nozzle is. It's enormous. Firefighters are in awe of just how big it is. You could hose down an entire football field plus a team of cheerleaders in just five minutes (assuming you didn't want to take your time, of course)... because that's how astoundingly large this nozzle is.

Unfortunately, the tubing you bought to feed the system is way too small. It's also very soft, and easily ripped if anything sharp comes near it. It can also be prone to tearing if you force something too wide through it. And no, I don't know why. Maybe you spent all your money on the massive nozzle and didn't have enough left over to buy decent tubes... whatever... it's not important.

What IS important is that the nozzle is just fine. The nozzle works perfectly and can handle just about anything you throw at it. It's the tubing which is totally inadequate to the task here.

Because, oops! Every once in a while the filters let a particle slip through. This causes all kinds of agony, because those little tubes just aren't built to handle it. Eventually, it will most likely make its way through the system, but it's a painful process. The worst, most horrifying part is in the tubes leaving the filters and depositing into the bucket. These are the tubes least able to cope with the damage. You get something going through here and you become so traumatized that all you want to do is burn down the entire greenhouse.

The tube from the bucket to the massive nozzle is uncomfortable, but nowhere near as painful. Which is where I'm at now...

Filtration System Schematic with Blockage

Not at all agonizing, but scary nevertheless. Having a particle stuck here feels like you have a little razor blade about to run through your nozzle. It also makes you feel like your bucket is full all the time. So you spend your entire day running to the greenhouse even though your bucket is mostly empty. What time you don't spend at the greenhouse is spent in quiet discomfort, just waiting for the particle to finally exit your filtration system so you can get back to a normal gardening experience.

And I would really, really, like to get back to normal so I can start my next trip without having to worry about my massive penis nozzle.

Categories: DaveLife 2009Click To It: Permalink


  1. Penelope says:

    Oh my God I am sorry that your pipes are blocked but is it wrong that I was laughing out loud by the last paragraph of that?!
    Despite the laughter, I know the razorblades thing is bloody horrid – get well soon!

  2. Anthony says:

    Lol. What a great way of explaining it.

  3. Hilly says:

    Now then, will the particle eventually shoot out from the massive nozzle? Is there anything to make that happen faster, like say…sticking the nozzle in a nuzzle or something?


  4. Jon says:

    I empathize.

    My filtration system, to date, has let two large particles through. The second time it took nearly six frickin’ months for the particle to make its way out.

    How I didn’t develop a raging addiction to Percocet during that six months is beyond me.

  5. Robin says:

    ::passing you my lightly used bottle of 160mg Percoset tabs::

    Pill taken? Good. Now. Let’s talk about your massive….nozzle. 🙂

  6. jenny says:

    Oh my! That nozzle really is massive. I would go so far as to say it’s disproportionately large. Maybe if you would return it for a smaller model, you could afford some higher quality tubing. Just a thought.

  7. Sue says:

    Ouch. Get better soon, man. Wish I could do more for ya.

  8. Sybil Law says:

    Oh my.
    Um, I mean, that sucks about your massive nozzle and inadequate tube…
    WTF am I talking about, now?!
    (Hope it works out for you, too!)

  9. whall says:

    Maybe you should try Fire-agra for your nozzle.

  10. You can call me, 'Sir' says:

    You’ve just described my own personal nozzle-based nightmare scenario.

  11. Mrs RW says:

    Damn kidney stones! By the by — have they checked your parathyroid? If not, it’d be a good idea…often a cause for recurrrent kidney and/or bladder stones.

  12. martymankins says:

    At first I was confused, but then your metaphor totally explained what was going on.

    I hope you can get your greenhouse leak fixed soon. Summer is coming and you don’t want to be left without any fresh vegetables.

    (seriously, having seen you in person when you were dealing with this pain, I hope it goes away sooner than later)

  13. sue says:

    Oh, you poor thing…. I mean, your poor nozzle… I mean… oh, nevermind. Hope you feel better soon. I’ve heard those “blockages” can be quite painful.

  14. Tracy says:

    That was brilliant! I’m sorry you feel like shit, but thank you for sharing…feel better soon!

  15. Foo says:

    Big nozzles rock…jammed up tubing, not so much.

  16. bo says:

    I don’t think I get it.

  17. Finn says:

    Massive nozzle? Really? Hmmm…

  18. Mooselet says:

    You know it’s not the size of the nozzle that counts, but how you use it.

    Hope your inadequate tubing gets unblocked soon.

  19. Sarah says:

    That has to be the cutest metaphor used to describe your problem I’ve ever read.

    But I hope you get back to normal soon Dave.

  20. Oh god, the first time I read “massive nozzle” I cracked up. Modest, too.

    I’ve had them and they are terrible (stones, not massive nozzles. I’ve had those, too.) I hope it passes quickly!!!

  21. Iron Fist says:

    You know, I get email in my spam folder all the time about enlarging my nozzle. Why don’t they send me ones about getting better tubing?

  22. Ginger says:

    I hope your massive (is it wrong that I’m sitting here thinking I’d like some proof?) nozzle doesn’t experience too much pain while the particle passes.

  23. Avitable says:

    Can’t someone suck on the end of the nozzle and suck that right out?

  24. We get everything but the greenhouse part.

  25. whitenoise says:

    Can’t you add something to the water to dissolve the particles? Better Jägermeister, er… water or something…?

  26. usedtobeme says:

    That was the best metaphorical post I’ve ever read. Good luck with the clog. Glad the massive nozzle is working well. That’s what matters.

  27. Robin says:

    Toooooo funny!

  28. lizriz says:

    LOL Dude, this was hysterical.

    I’m sorry that your pain is so hysterical. 😉

  29. You said “nozzle” – *huh-huh* *huh-huh*

    I’m with Jenny, maybe the MASSIVE nozzle is the problem? Swap that sucker in for a smaller model and see what happens.

    Of course if it’s as HUGE as you say it is, I’m surprised you’re not having back problems carrying the thing around. Hmmmm. Yet another reason for returning it – hope you kept your receipt. 🙂

  30. Jacki says:

    1. Hope the blockage clears the nozzle soon.
    2. Feel free to talk about any medical conditions if you will be using great metaphors.
    3. I’ve seen a lot bigger nozzles than that in my time!

  31. Greg says:

    Tube blockages are not fun. Take it from someone who experienced that last year. All I will say is that Vicodin is a wonderful thing.

  32. Badger says:

    Seems to me the obvious solution is to remove the nozzle, then stick a really long, pointy pair of pliers or tweezers up into the tube and … hang on a minute! We’re not talking about a greenhouse, ARE WE? You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool ME, bub.

  33. John says:

    The problem seems to be a narrow urethra, Dave. Just like Hank Hill.

  34. stef says:

    for a minute there, i was wondering what you taking up gardening had to do with medical problems. then i read “massive nozzle,” and…OHHHHhhhh….

    i agree with adam…i think some good strong suckage will get that right out.

  35. annie says:

    Oh wow, so you’re growing pot?

  36. Because of this post? All sex with the Ty-man will now include the word nozzle.

    Thanks, much!

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