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Posted on Thursday, October 5th, 2006

Dave!Being sick has given me an overwhelming desire to help others. At first I thought about starting up a medical practice, but I'm too afraid of blood to be a doctor (and, apparently, you need some kind of license to practice medicine). So then I thought about becoming a mental health consultant... that stupid bitch Dr. Laura doesn't have a doctorate in psychology or psychiatry or anything, and she gets away with it just fine. But then you have to listen to people bitch about their problems and who wants to do that?

So I've decided to create my own line of personal care products, but hesitate to do so without getting endorsements from big-name celebrities. In order to entice these famous people to do my bidding, I've decided to create prototype products so that they can see the quality packaging their image will proudly endorse. Here are just a few samples...

Mark Foley says "stay fresh with the biggest douchebag of them all!"


When you think of an itchy, burning crotch... think David Caruso!


Davaration H
Fight fire with fire... when there's a pain in your ass, reach for Ann Coulter!


I'm still trying to decide if Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore should endorse my "Davepound W" wart remover or my "Davmodium" treatment for diarrhea plus gas. Hmmmm... when you think of Jared, do you think of warts... or diarrhea & gas? These executive decisions are totally harsh...

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. adena says:

    You know which product I’D be all over to endorse!! 🙂

  2. diane says:

    Definitely, definitely gas for Jared.
    Tee hee. This made me laugh out loud.

  3. Kyle I says:

    Ohhh, Anne Coulter….How I hate her so very, very much.

  4. Dave2 says:

    Adena… Unfortunately, Caruso’s jock itch spray is something you can’t use!

    Jared… Well, he is a big fraud that’s filled with hot air…

    Kyle I… Yes, but do you like her enough to spread her on your anus?? Because that’s what I’m going for here! 🙂

  5. Mooselet says:

    Does the Davaration H come in those handy disposable wipes as well, cos I’d totally enjoy flushing Anne Coulter down the toilet all the time to rot in my septic tank with all the rest of the sh*t.

  6. Wayne Hall says:

    Um, excuse me? Where’s the butter topping? I don’t see any of them featuring a butter flavor, buttery crust or flask ‘o butter-ama.

    And I like Ann Coulter.

  7. Göran says:

    Don´t you feel sorry for Mark Foley though? How can these coniving young men take advantage of an innocent man like Foley? It´s unbeleievable! *wink*

    Can I order a bottle of Davactin to give to the lame ass real estate broker I´m dealing with?

  8. Erin says:

    Gas – Jared is definitely windy.

    Ann Coulter is pure, unadulterated evil in a scary, praying mantis way. She gives me the willies.

  9. karla says:

    Fight fire with fire… when there’s a pain in your ass, reach for Ann Coulter!

    You have just given me my new Life Motto.

    (weep) I love you, man.

  10. Laurence says:

    Dave, do you smell ? Do you smell what I smell ?

    Oh, there is like an odor… of lawsuit !!!

    PS. Very good “Davactin” !!! 😀

  11. Dave2 says:

    Mooselet… But of course! Though I’d be careful, because flushing Ann Coulter’s down your toilet may cause it to get plugged up. They look thin, but are actually quite thick and bloated.

    Wayne… If you buy her books, I’m sure Ann likes you to. And Davengill Douches come in a vinegar and butter variety, which is excellent as a salad dressing, so I’ve got you covered.

    Göran… Any sorrow I feel is offset by the fact that Foley will be judged by legislation he helped to enact. This doesn’t make me sorry for him… it makes me want to congratulate him! I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.

    Erin… Yes, but fear is how people like Ann Coulter operate. That’s why I like her to endorse my products… she’ll scare you into buying them!

    Karla… I still think that Ann should publish quotes from her books on toilet paper so we can wipe our asses with them. Though I worry about my delicate bum, given how hard and abrasive she is.

    Laurence… Hey, it’s my name on every box… I should sue me!

  12. Avitable says:

    I’d go for Pepto Davemol for Jared, personally.

  13. Jared would go well with gas. when I think of warts, I think of Paris Hilton. GENITAL warts, that is.

  14. I vote gas for Jared.

    And I will pay you handsomely to mock up Paris Hilton presents Davenema: For when you are full of, um, crap.

  15. Jeff says:

    Dave, your graphics blow me away. I know this stuff is easy for you but how you put “Blogography” on the side of a 3D box or bend Ann Coulter’s head around a corner is beyond me.

    Some day I’m going to have to graduate from MS Paint.

  16. amanda says:

    oh, how very clever. i love the idea of ann coulter near anything that makes doody.

  17. kapgar says:

    Diarrhea and gas, totally. I do love the tie-ins so far and would buy each and every one. Erm… not that I need any of them or anything.

    I used to call a college buddy of mine “Tough Actin’ Jonacton” because, well, his name was Jon Acton. So it was funny to see that Davactin there.

  18. ms. sizzle says:

    diarrhea! i vote for that one for jared.

  19. Göran says:

    I was being ironic about Foley. I call myself liberal but still…

    Hypocricy is great to witness, from a distance!

  20. ~jtm says:

    A~ha! Precisely why I chose to start my day with Blogography…brilliant, just brilliant!

    Oh…and Jared… gas, definitely gas.

  21. diane says:

    I second the vote for Pepto Davemol & Jared.
    After all, while Immodium just treats diarrhea, Pepto treats nausea, vom-ing, gas, diarrhea, and any other gastric distress that Jared might inspire!

  22. Dave2 says:

    Avitable… Jared gives me loose bowels, so perhaps a laxative?

    Dawn… Or Herpidave, the Herpes cream?

    Frances… Daveet enemas? Excellent!

    Jeff… Actually, these graphics are painfully easy to do if you play around with the Adobe Illustrator 3D filter. 🙂

    Amanda… That’s kind of ironic because, now that I think about it, I don’t want Ann Coulter anywhere near my ass!

    Kapgar… I think Jon and I will both be getting cease and desist letters from Tinactin any minute now…

    Ms. Sizzle… That seems to be the consensus here. I don’t know why more companies do market research via blog!

    Göran… Yeah, I know… but you’re a far kinder person than I am! If nothing else, hypocrisy is great fun when you don’t have anything better to blog about! 🙂

    JTM… You like to start you day with douches, jock itch, hemorrhoids, and gas?? What must the REST of your day be like? 🙂

    Diane… Dang! Now I’m going to have to cut Avitable in for a slice of the profits on that one! 🙂

  23. Bec says:

    Is this another part of your Dave-ifying the entire world? Karl gets the polituical side while you take entertainment and commercial?!

  24. Miss Britt says:

    Maybe you can see if Lindsey Lohan will sponsor your “Vagisil” knock off.

    When you think “fire crotch” – think Lindsey Lohan.

  25. Dave2 says:

    Bec… Karl would be much better at politics than me anyway. 🙁

    Miss Britt… After seeing her flashing it around the globe? I already do… I already do. 🙂

  26. Belinda says:

    I’m afraid that the Ann Coulter preparation packaging gives the appearance of being designed to GIVE you hemorrhoids, rather than relieve them. Other than that, I think you’re onto something.

  27. Melissa says:

    I just love the Foley one. But it is a toss up between Coutler. I maybe the only one, but have anything for Nancy Grace? I can’t stand her currently.

  28. amanda says:

    Where can I order some Davaration H? “Cause man, the thought of smearing some Ann Coulter on my ass is a relief just to think about.

  29. Javajabber says:

    I have never laughed so hard in my life. You always manage to make me spew gross liquids out of my nose. It’s not a pretty sight.

  30. Margalit says:

    Diahrreah and gas, for sure. Only I’d go for DaveOpectate, the drizzlin shits remedy made out of kaolin…or clay for the uninformed. Somehow, seeing Jared come out as a big huge turd suits him. 🙂

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