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Posted on Tuesday, June 20th, 2006

Dave!It's midnight and I am too tired to work another minute. My mind is all fuzzy, which means I'm no good to be on the job anyway. Fortunately, it doesn't require any brainpower to write in my blog, so here we are.

Today (now yesterday) on my third trip to the post office I had to wait in line behind a few people. The guy ahead of me was wearing some very scary comb-over hair that had holes in it. But that's not what made him look astoundingly stupid.

He had one of those ridiculous bluetooth wireless headset thingies for his mobile phone that he was talking into.


As he was yacking away I had a hard time deciding if he looked more like a Borg from Star Trek...

Bluetooth Borg

Or just a complete dick...

Bluetooth Dick

Well, not a COMPLETE dick... because the one shown above is circumcised... but you get the idea.

All I can say for sure is anybody who walks around with one of those things looks like a serious tool, and every time I see somebody wearing one I want to rip it off their head and kick it up their stupid ass.

And then set them on fire.

And then push them into a barrel of gasoline.

That's been topped off with napalm.

And is sitting on top of a pile of dynamite.

Because anybody who doesn't realize how stupid they look while walking out in public with a piece of plastic sticking out their ear needs to be asploded quite badly. Not only for their own sake, but for the betterment of society as a whole. I mean, seriously, I'm pretty sure even Lt. Uhura took that shit out of her ear when she left the bridge of the Enterprise...


What worries me greatly is that if enough assholes keep wearing this crap, pretty soon it will become acceptable to do so (much like polyester suits in the disco era). The day that happens is the day I'm up in a bell tower with a rifle shooting people.

Assuming I could find a bell tower. Do they even make those anymore?

In England they have "happy slapping" where idiots go around slapping people for no reason and filming it with their mobile phones. I say that they should find a purpose in life... instead of slapping randomly, they should focus their attacks on people wearing bluetooth wireless headsets. We could call it "bluetooth slapping", and I think it would kick ass.

I would draw a cartoon of that, but I'm about to fall asleep on my keyboard...

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Brandon says:

    I am 100% with you. Everbody who wears those things look like complete dicks, foreskin and all. My question is, does wearing one make you a dick or do you wear one because you are a dick?

  2. Mooselet says:

    Uhura at least had a nice rack and long legs to distract from that silly thing sticking out of her ear. A walking penis just can’t get away with it.

    I, too, hate those people who think they’re important enough that the rest of the unwashed masses need to hear their conversations. If you have to prove you’re important, chances are you’re not.

  3. Ariana says:

    You are freakin’ funny. I’m sending this to a blue-tooth using friend. I know he will appreciate those cartoons…especially the penis guy. He’s the best.

  4. serap says:

    Ah yes, happy slapping – I’m so glad to be from a county with such a sophisticated crime! Can I just say though, that while it is called ‘happy slapping’, it does usually involve being kicked in the head, especially when administered from one school child to another. This would however, provide the added function of demolishing the bluetooth headsets, which I think would be in everyone’s best interest, as they do look completely stupid.

  5. Laurence says:

    Oh my god, you are so funny, Dave. I cannot stop laughing. You say high what I think low.
    I think that men who wear bluetooth wireless headsets, have a second which pushed on the ear, and they speak to it on public.
    I thought there was homo habilis, homo georgicus, homo ergaster, homo erectus, homo floresiensis, homo neanderthalensis, homo sapiens and then, homo who had a electronic second on the ear. In any case, it does not alter the fact that they look like stupid.
    In addition to your humour, you are a philosopher. That’s the reason why I read your blog every day, now. And to answer your question : the fashion is contagious or not. I think the fashion does not follow itself, it invents itself. But people are reassured on a certain normality, or the fact of belonging to a group. And we, all, are the victims in the fashion…
    You must sleep in this moment, then I wish you a good morning… πŸ™‚

  6. Neil T. says:

    I use my Bluetooth headset at home for talking on Skype, and may use it while driving, but not when walking around unless I need my hands free for some reason.

    But yeah, they can look a bit silly – I’ve seen delivery men walking around with them looking like they are merely talking to themselves.

  7. RW says:

    I wouldn’t care what Lt. Uhura wore…

    Just sayin’.

  8. Dave2 says:

    Brandon… it’s a catch-22. An endless cycle of dickage in one of those chicken-and-the-egg situations.

    Mooselet… well, they certainly cannot be more important than ME anyway! πŸ™‚

    Ariana… I think the humor will undoubtedly be lost on somebody who thinks that it’s not a big deal to walk around looking like a dick. πŸ˜€

    Serap… Well, I would not want for anybody to be slapped in their headset, as that could damage their ear… BUT if you slapped them hard enough on the OTHER side of their head, it might cause the headset to fall off and smash to pieces when it landed! Bonus points!!

    Laurence… oh no… I had not thought of the bluetooth headset as becoming a fashion accessory! That would be even worse, because then Paris Hilton would start wearing a diamond-encrusted headset!! πŸ™‚

    Neil… Hands-free situations is what those headset things are SUPPOSED to be used for. Driving? Yes. Typing? Yes. Brain surgery? Yes (though, if you are operating on my brain, I’d appreciate it if you were to hold your calls and focus on the task at hand). Standing in line at the post office? Well, that just makes the person in question look like a dick. Or a Borg. Or both maybe. I still cannot decide.

    RW… That’s for DANG sure! Nichelle Nichols was brutally hot back in the day! πŸ™‚

  9. ssp says:

    I doubt I can ever look at one of your person drawings again without just seeing a dick there…

  10. Jeff says:

    You make a trip the post office and come back with a hysterical blog post, I make the same trip and come back with, umm – stamps.

  11. adena says:

    Man, you’re cranky when you’re tired!!

    I got the post office “your package is on its way” email.


  12. Tracy says:

    I feel so much better now that I know I’m not alone in my hatred of those freakin’ headsets. My stepson & my brother-in-law have them, and they both think they look AWESOME in them. I haven’t had the heart to let them know otherwise.

  13. nancycle says:


    I saw someone who appeared to be an assimilated soccer mom this morning on the drive in to work.

    Congratulations on the cross reference, I have only yet award such praise to the Asian culture for that ability. Now every time I see one of those wireless headsets, I will subconsciously associate with your cartoon circumcised penis. Who do you think that a penis would call? I’m hoping the little brain is having a conference call with the big brain.

    Points to you for finding the correct spelling of Uhura!

  14. Dave2 says:

    Sven… that would be truly disturbing! Don’t look at yourself in the mirror while wearing one of my T-shirts or you might get a bit upset!

    Jeff… I suppose my brain works strangely that way, because I am constantly seeing things in an odd way. Unfortunately for everybody who reads Blogography, I then decide to write about it! Sometimes life would be a lot less complicated if I just came back with the stamps too. πŸ™‚


    Tracy… ah, apparently there is a genetic defect in your husband’s side of the family that pre-disposes them to thinking that they look good in wireless headsets. Do not be alarmed. With years of therapy (and plenty of shock treatments) they can overcome their genetic shortcomings and live a mostly normal life. πŸ™‚

    Nancycle… I’d think that the little brain is doing ALL of the thinking here, because no healthy big brain would think that wearing a wireless headset out in public is a good idea. Perhaps he is calling his testicles to see if they want to go out partying tonight?? I am now relieved that I got the spelling of Uhura correct, because I did not even think to double check it… how embarrassing if I got it wrong! What kind of geek would that make me?? πŸ˜€

  15. ChillyWilly says:

    I’ve not ventured into the wireless Bluetooth module arena yet, even though I have a phone that now supports it.

    As for hands free use, you got it right, Dave. Driving, typing and doing dishes (oh wait, that last one involves the iPod).

    If I can find one that actually fits my ear as good as my iPod headphones do (i use Sony headphones), then I’ll use a Bluetooth headset, but only for driving and typing.

    Years ago, when I worked downtown, I used to see homeless people talking to themselves a lot. Now we see the working class people on the street doing the same. Life has come full circle, at least when it comes to talking when no one is around.

  16. *cotton says:

    u crack me up. but i honestly hope that you’re kidding about the blue-tooth headset. i mean, what’s wrong with the blue-tooth headset? it’s just there to make (some) people’s lives more convenient isn’t it? when people first started using cellphones they probably look silly to people who didn’t use them.

    don’t get me wrong. i have little tolerance for people who yak loudly in public. but most people i know who use bluetooth headsets don’t do that. and if some morons do, i hope the rest aren’t going to hell with them.

  17. Dave2 says:

    ChillyWilly… I think I’m going to be a tool and wear a wireless headset everywhere and then talk continuously as if there was somebody on the line… that way people won’t bother me. I know that I would certainly go out of my way to avoid me!

    *cotton… no, I’m really not kidding. If people wear their headset while driving or while working so that they can better concentrate on the task at hand, I have no problem with it (that’s what they are for). But these people that wear them shopping, to the post office, and in a movie theater just look stupid. I loathe that this might become a trend, and soon everybody will be little Borgs walking down the street talking to themselves. πŸ™‚

  18. Shannon says:

    I’ve come to absolutely hate those friggin’ Bluetooth headsets. I have a friend who is constantly yakking into one. I always have to resist the urge to rip it off of his head and jam it in his eye.

  19. Laurence says:

    Yes, “trend” : it is the word which I sought.
    Thanks Dave.
    I believe that I should have better listened to Mrs. Durand, my English professor. Mrs. Durand, if you are on this blog, sorry !!!

  20. dandyna says:

    you can’t compare those guys with those weird object to star trek! ST is so much cooler! πŸ™‚

  21. Bitter Bitch says:

    I love your freaking drawings! You have an incredible sense of humour. How are you with polygamy?

    Just asking.

  22. Rikki says:

    so I am looking through my Buddha Book – ah yes – there IS a chapter on “bluetooth slapping”

    and it comes right after the chapter on Consciousness…how ironic…

  23. Eve says:

    Yeah, I think those Uhura bluetooth things were created so that people could drive and talk and things like that. Was the post office guy carrying a really heavy package? Because then I can understand why he’d be walking around in public with one of those. It would make sense.

    I’m not so opposed to people wearing those earpieces. But what I do find funny is stuff like this: I was getting my hair dyed at a dinky little neighborhood salon. The owner’s son was there wearing one of those earpieces. He’s like 35, still got pimples, probably never been laid, a real dork. He’s sitting there talking to the 90-year-old ladies about how he wants to be a DJ and when they asked what was in his ear, he explains it’s for his phone in case he gets a call. He says he NEVER actually TOUCHES his cell phone, nope, it’s all in the ear. Got it voice activated and everything.

    Now, I was there for 2 hours and this dork didn’t get one friggin’ call, nor did he make one. I’m sure NO ONE calls this guys, but don’t worry, he’s got his earpiece in case of a wrong number or something.

  24. James says:

    😐 That has to be the scariest looking penis yet. First penis salad, now a penis with a headset. Whats next…?

    Wait wait..I don’t want to know!

  25. NetChick says:

    Great idea! I’ll start bluetooth slapping here in Vancouver! We’re completely nuts here.

  26. Avitable says:

    Honestly, I’m thinking about getting one of those. I can only really hear well on my phone with a headset, so I might as well go Bluetooth.

    But I hate them, so I’m torn.

  27. Bre says:

    I once thought I was the ultimate in lazy, but if you can’t even bear to lift your hand to your ear with you 3oz cell phone in it, you’ve reached a new low.

  28. Chanakin says:

    I was at the store about six months ago and this guy starts asking me questions. So I answer him, then he gives me a dirty look and walks away.

    Turned out he had one of those plastic tampons in his ear and wasn’t talking to me after all.

    Excuuuuuuuse me, ass pirate.

    I’m putting my money on cancer of the ear.

  29. RisibleGirl says:

    Amen brother! I’ve also made a personal observation that generally it’s dorky people that wear those dumb things.

    Yech and blech.

  30. I guess I’m in the minority here, but I want one of those things BECAUSE it will make me look like a Borg. But then again you are speaking of a girl who if she had one wish would wish for fiber optic hair…

  31. Arwen says:

    If they had one of those Uhura ear pieces I think I would use that as a earpiece for my cell phone, IF i could wear the Uhura shirt as part of my business attire too. I think corporate america would be much funner that way.

  32. Nicola says:

    I feel like dancing room the room doing the waynes world “I got 5 thousand dollars… I got 5 thousand dolllarrrs!”. My T-shirt is on it’s way. Yipeee.

  33. babyoog says:

    The worst thing is when people have those blue tooth things on when they’re NOT on the phone. Like they have to be prepared just in case someone calls.

    The day I got my first cell phone was the saddest day of my life. Until then, I could pretend that dozens of people were trying to contact me all the time. It’s been a very lonely life since then.

  34. jali says:

    Thanks a lot guys – all the witty comments are taken so what does that leave me with.

    I got nothin’…

    Just had to say something ’cause I’m making myself at home here – already took off my shoes and I’m looking for the remote. Whatcha got to eat?

  35. sandra says:

    The thing I find most disturbing about the bluetooth headsets (or any headset, really) is that — particularly in San Francisco — it makes it much harder to distinguish between “big chach walking down the street and talking loudly into his headset” and “avoid me! I’m crazy and talking to myself!”

  36. Deb_LA says:

    You drew a penis with a bluetooth headset. Genius.

  37. Mocha says:

    Wake up! WAKE UP! I neeeeed you. Neeeeeed, Dave.

    Fine. In the meantime I shall laugh uproariously at your toons for today. Excellent, dude. I’m loving it.

  38. suze says:

    how very zen of you πŸ˜‰

    and the “Well, not a COMPLETE dick… because the one shown above is circumcised… but you get the idea.” comment made me laugh so hard i spit water on my computer screen and alerted my coworkers to the fact that I am very obviously not doing work, because nothing in gov’t comms is that funny…

    although we do have plenty of semi-complete dicks…

  39. Susan says:

    I am so relieved that I’m not just a curmudgeon after all! Well, really I am a curmudgeon, but at least I know that I am not the only person who thinks that anyone who uses those bluetooth things looks like a complete idiot. They always seem to be lurking around the oranges in the produce section of Jewel, or some other place that doesn’t seem to require two free hands, unless you’re there to practice juggling them?

    And if you’ve got business so significant that you don’t even care if people think you’re babbling to yourself, why are you at the grocery store anyway?

  40. Wayne Hall says:

    I havta defend the wireless headset.

    I will not defend the jerk who can’t understand his environment enough to not be a nuisance.

    I guess this mostly boils down to the gun control argument. I would bet that anyone who thinks that a gun kills people vs a person killing people is likely against the bluetooth headset instead of the rude person using a bluetooth headset in inappropriate places.

    I’m on the phone _a lot_. Ok, it’s a blackberry phone. But still. I probably do 5000 minutes a month. Yes, I have a good life insurance plan and yes it covers cell-induced tumors. I’m on the phone while I drive, while I shop, while I walk into the office, when I’m between meetings, while I’m moving things around, and when I’m at my desk, I have a wired headset on. Sometimes I even have the plantronics cs50 bluetooth headset for my deskphone on so I can walk about and do things at work and still use my deskphone landline.

    On the “why have the thing on your ear when you’re not on the phone” question… if you ever tried to put it on your ear, you’d understand. It takes a bit to get it situated. And since you can just push a button on it to answer the phone, it makes for a much more convenient start to the conversation.

    However, this blog entries will probably go down as one of my absolute faves. Graphics are priceless. Analogies are witty. And the comments are engaging. Great blog.

  41. Kimberly says:

    ROFLMAO! You are too funny. I was just thinking of this same issue today and thought, hmm, I wonder how many other people think this is stupid. So I googled, “Do people realize how stupid they look with wireless earpieces?” And your blog was the first link that came up. Do you mind if I blog your blog? πŸ™‚

  42. Craig says:

    I thought that people shouldn’t be judged by how they look or what they ware. I think it is rather narrow minded that some would have that much focus on what some one else is wearing. Where do you draw the line? If you don’t like the colour of some one’s shirt do you slap them? If their earring is in the “wrong” ear do you slap them? Quite intolerant of you.

    I find any one talking loudly in a public place a slap-able offence… (Unless it is a night club!). But just because they are talking with a robo-dildo in their ear elicits no special attention… to me.

    Just my $0.02

    Nice site BTW!

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