I am not offended by foul language. If you've read my blog, met me in person, heard me interviewed on web radio, or listened to my live comedy album, you probably already knew this.

Even so, I try to be very careful about not using curse words in mixed company. Just because I have no problem swearing like a drunken ten-year-old doesn't mean I want to force my potty-mouth on innocent people. I'm a fucking saint that way.

So... when a public conversation calls for a profanity-laden explicative, what to do?

Well, if you're me you wing it.

Unfortunately, I'm not good at "winging" anything, so my improvisational cursing never goes well.

Today in a rushed search for a replacement word for "crap" I somehow came up with "crackers." Yes, crackers. And that's not even my worst offense. A couple of weeks ago I managed "frog" for "fuck."

Clearly this is a big frogging problem.

Isn't there a translation dictionary for stuff like this so I can faux-swear properly? If not, there really should be.