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Posted on Thursday, January 4th, 2007

Dave!It has been suggested that my frequent battles with insomnia may be a result of a bad mattress. This would not surprise me, because the mattress I bought is total crap. And I owe it all to letter-turning-game-show-sidekick Vanna White.

It all started when my old mattress was falling apart and I needed to replace it. So off I went to the local furniture store to buy one. But, once I got there, I realized that I don't know the first thing about mattresses and had no idea what I wanted. But then I saw a cardboard cut-out of Vanna White smiling over a mattress and decided to go for it. I figured that if the bed was good enough for Vanna, it would certainly be good enough for me (even though it was more money than I wanted to spend).

But Vanna was full of crap. The mattress was sagging in the middle after only a few months.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has been f#@%ed by Vanna White over a mattress, but I'm probably one of the few who hasn't enjoyed the experience...

Vanna Bad

So here I am 10 years later needing to buy a new mattress. Again.

The one I really want to try is a Sleep Number bed. Since it is filled with air, it probably won't be sagging anytime soon. If it does, I'd imagine that you just blow it up again. Much like an inflatable companion (ahem... or so I've heard). Besides, Lindsay Wagner endorses it and she's all bionic and stuff! But then I read complaints about poor customer service and the air mattress filling up with mold and such, and start having second thoughts.

So now I am flirting with the idea of buying a Tempurpedic mattress.

Yet, I am hesitant because, well...

The following is a fictional account of events that never happened. Stories like this are far too embarrassing to be published on the internet if they're true, so it's not true. I'm making it all up...

Fictional Dave: (answering phone) Hello?
Fictional Former Girlfriend: Hey, I'm working late! Rather than driving all the way back home, let's just stay in town. I've booked us a room at "Inn At The Market" on 1st & Pine.
Fictional Dave: Cool. Call me when you're ready and I'll pick you up on the way.
Fictional Dave: (after having flopped on the bed) Whoa! This mattress doesn't bounce! It's weird!
Fictional Former Girlfriend: It's not weird. It's a Temperpedic mattress. After you get used to it, it's super-comfortable.
Fictional Dave: I still think it's weird that a mattress doesn't bounce when you sit on it.
Fictional Former Girlfriend: You're weird.
Fictional Dave: It's not me... it's this weird mattress! The foam... it's like... it's absorbing my moves or something!!
Fictional Former Girlfriend: (sarcasm) Sure it is.

So, as you can see, in the unlikely event that I ever need to use my new bed for something other than sleep... like...ohhhh... let's saaay... an exercise mat... it doesn't work so well.

But for actual sleeping it's pretty sweet, so I dunno.

Awwwww... maybe I should just sleep on the couch from now on. It's like an "exercise mat" for one.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. Charred says:

    I have a Select Comfort bed, as do my parents, brothers and, I believe, my sister.

    I wouldn’t give it up for love nor money.

  2. adena says:

    So, I have it on good authority that temperpedic mattresses start to really stink after awhile.

    Like REEEALLY stink.

    Like cuddling up to a dead body stink.

    You know what’s comfortable? The mattresses they have in Marriott’s. I don’t know what kind of bed they have, but MAN is it comfortable!!

    Oh, and um…10 years w/ the same mattress…it’s bound to go to hell.

  3. Gรถran says:

    Wanna know something scary? My insomnia gets better when I stay away from the computer late in the evening. I read somewhere that the light from the screen is worse than the light from the tv.

  4. Michelle says:

    Well hey, if it doesn’t work out rumor has it ol’ Lindsey lives here in Ptld. Since you’re coming down in a few months …

    I wonder if Tempurpedic would give you a free mattress to NOT go out into the big world and advertise that their mattress … hinders your moves. Maybe a percentage to the one ex to not corroborate. (Did I read that wrong or do you really only have one ex?!) heh

  5. Oh my, that’s quite a non true totally made up story that you’ve got there.

    I say buy the Tempurpedic because you never know when you’ll need to jump on your mattress without spilling the glass of water you’ve placed precariously on said mattress not 2 feet away from where you’re bouncing.

  6. kazza says:

    Have you seen Gary’s post on the matter.. it took a life of its own!

  7. Mia says:

    I file the Tempurpedic in the same catagory as that Med-Alert “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” thingie…they look like they belong in a home for the fraile and fallen.

    But, maybe I’m all wrong and stuff. They could just call it the Bionic-pedic. Get Lindsay and Lee Majors to do the ad’s and then they could market it as the bed for a six million dollar…exercise.

    Just a thought…

  8. MRKisThatKid says:

    Is Tempapedic the one they claim NASA developed?

  9. Brad says:

    Well, Dave, my wife and I have been sleeping on a Sleep Number bed for almost three years now. We love it! The drawback is that now we don’t like sleeping on other beds when we are away from home. In fact, when we’re on a trip, we always look forward to coming home so we can sleep in our own bed! It’s wonderful because she can set her side to what is comfortable for her and I can set my side what works best for me… and they are definitely not the same. As a bonus, my wife and I have much fewer back problems since we switched mattresses.

    Most importantly, we don’t seem to have any problems with the mattress absorbing our moves. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Conversely, my parents have the Tempurpedic, which we looked at before getting the Sleep Number bed. Now, I tend to be someone who easily gets hot, so I was warned that the Tempurpedic may not be the best choice for me. When I slept on it, they were right… I got very hot… and uncomfortable. And besides that, it felt weird.

    Anyhow, that’s my two cents, for what it’s worth.

  10. Kyra says:

    We had an air-type mattress for a while. Then one day I woke up and realized the side of the bed was higher than my head, and my back hurt. Darn thing sprung a leak. No way I am going anywhere near any sleep number anything.

    My parents got the tempurpedic. They got the one that moves like a hospital bed, so now I picture it with a lot of invalids… but if you aren’t going to be using it for anything other than sleeping…. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  11. amanda says:

    I loved Bad Monkey’s rendition of Vanna. Too funny.

    Personally, I would get the sweet sleeping mattress and work on developing your “exercise” repetoire to includes other locales…have your cake and eat it too!

  12. Avitable says:

    I definitely think you should use Consumer Reports and pick one of the best rated mattresses.

  13. We foot the bill for NASA to explore the final frontier and they repay us with a mattress that I can randomly drink/jump on.

    It’s shit like that which makes me lose sleep.

  14. ajooja says:

    We fell in love with the beds they have at the Sheraton, so we got one as close as we could without buying it from them.

    It’s nice. Not too firm. Not too soft. Perfect for sleep or “exercise.”

  15. sandra says:

    My housemates in San Francisco had a Tempurpedic bed and I liked it so much that I actually slept on it (with their thumbs-up ๐Ÿ™‚ ) while they were on vacation, and pondered calling into work one day so that I could keep laying on it.

  16. Karl says:

    Interested to see how this pans out since I plan on getting a new mattress in the near future. I do like the memory foam topper that I’m using now. And the memory foam pillow…aaaaaah.

  17. actually I think a non-bouncy bed would kick ass when it comes to sex! I find that a bed bouncing makes it difficult to keep a rhythm going when you’re “doing it”. a solid surface puts you in total control!

  18. diane says:

    I love that you are taking into consideration the “exercise” factor while picking out a mattress. Hee hee. I’m also laughing as I picture the faceless fictional former girlfriend rolling her eyes and saying “YOU’RE weird.”
    I have a plain old Serta (I think it’s the Perfect Sleeper)–I’ve had it since I moved to Chicago and I’m quite happy with it.

  19. Miss Britt says:

    LOL… all joking aside, you HAVE to get whatever mattress they have at the Sheraton’s. Not to sound like those weird as commercials – but really, BEST beds ever.

    I think they are pillow top Serta’s or something. And they are WONDERFUL.

    But still, ya know, “bounce”.

  20. Jeff says:

    Come on Dave… don’t you know that water beds are the wave of the future?

    At least that’s what they told me in 1975.

  21. Dave2 says:

    Charred… I think that’s the same as a Sleep Number bed?

    Adena… I’m partial to Westin’s “Heavenly Bed” myself… thought it seems all hotels are upgrading now-a-days.

    Gรถran… That could be a big problem for me, because I’m in front of my laptop right up until I go to bed! Uh oh…

    Michelle… I have no ex-wives, if that’s what you’re asking. Ex-girlfriends are tough enough!

    Frances… And since I retire with a glass of wine and a cheese plate every evening, you can understand the appeal!

    Kazza… Oh my. No, I didn’t remember that at all. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Mia… When covered in bedding, don’t they look all normal and stuff?

    MRK… Indeed. Personally, I’d rather have a trip to Mars with my space tax dollars, but oh well.

    Brad… Argh. Well, if it’s the middle of summer, I’m not going to want to be hot either… I’ll never get to sleep! Bummer.

    Kyra… I’ll be an invalid soon enough, so maybe I should consider it after all!

    Amanda… Cake? I love cake! But I want to be able to eat cake in bed… even though the crumbs are messy.

    Avitable… I looked at various reviews and such, and it’s all over the map. Some people love a bed for the same reason another hates it. I guess I need to go to a showroom and lay on a few or something. But this time I refuse to be swayed by Vanna White!

    Jennie… So I take it you don’t retire with a glass of wine and a cheese plate every night like I do? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Ajooja… The new Sheraton beds are quite nice. I think they did that to compete with Westin’s “Heavenly Bed” which is, indeed, heaven. You can actually buy then from Sheraton, but they cost $1,1000 + $200 shipping… I checked. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Sandra… I want a job that allows me to work in bed.

    Sandra… Yeah, yeah, but I don’t think I’m qualified for THAT job!

    Karl… Some people love them, others hate them. It’s difficult to find a bed that everybody loves. I guess everybody sleeps different.

    Dawn… Ah, and if that were the issue, then there wouldn’t be a problem! It’s not that the bed is firm, it’s that it absorbs all motion. Not only that, but you kind of sink into it, and any change of position results in the foam having to re-adjust. This makes for a bit of a bumpy -ahem- ride… and not in a good way!

    Diane… I’ll probably end up with a Serta or something similar. It seems ridiculous to pay huge sums of money when I’m not even sure it will benefit my sleep.

    Miss Britt… Yep, they’re called Sweet Sleeper, and you can buy them… for a price!

    Jeff… I had a waterbed for years and didn’t think much of it. I mean, it’s okay and everything, but I didn’t miss it when it was gone. What’s funny is that a lot of the “new” technologies in these modern mattresses are touting benefits that waterbeds have had all along… maybe they’ll make a comeback?

  22. ms. sizzle says:

    “it’s aborsbing my moves or something!” i almost spit out my tea. ๐Ÿ™‚

    i have yet to find a bed that i can sleep comfortably in. i even have a special pillow but i still wake up cracking my neck and back.

  23. Laurence says:

    I am surprised that the Fictional Dave doesn’t propose some “exercises” with the Fictional Former Girlfriend. Because the Fictional Former Girlfriend (if she gets involved in her work) would accept those “exercises” with the Fictional Dave !!! And after those “exercises”, the Fictional Dave could sleep… and really test the mattress.
    This Fictional Former Girlfriend doesn’t make her job very well…

    P.S. OMG, I begin to have a dirty mind when I read Blogography !!!
    P.P.S. You are right… a mattress which absorbs moves is weird… But maybe funny to test it !!!

  24. Miss Ann Thrope says:

    we bought a Stearns and Foster.

    and that thing freakin rocks. it’s the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept on.

    oh, and it bounces.

  25. Naomi says:

    You can always take a Sleep # for a test drive at a Radisson (most carry those mattresses).

    As to the Temps, they indeed are comfy as shit–makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, especially when coupled with a Tempurpedic pillow, but am not fond of the “extra-curricular” activities on ’em. It’s just not the same.

  26. Troy says:

    “Excercise for one” eh? Sounds suspiciously like self-loving on the couch. ๐Ÿ™‚

  27. Juli says:

    I have a Tempurpedic and LOVE it. LOVE LOVE L O V E it. Just thinking about it makes me sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………….

  28. exposed says:

    i have a regular ol’ mattress – bounces and everything – but here’s the good part. i got the temprapedic stuff mattress cover! it’s about three inches thick and wonderfully comfortable, but it doesn’t have that completely sinking suffocating feeling.

    so you can still use your “moves”.

  29. Alexis says:

    We got a Restonic specialty mattress a couple years ago – 3 types of memory foam and a pillow top. Two years later and it’s still fabulous! The first night we had it I slept for 12 hours because I just could not bear to leave the heavenly cushiness.

    True, the first night my boyfriend commented that it was like sleeping (and, um, exercising) in a Jell-o mold. But there have been no complaints from either of us since. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  30. RW says:

    I think you misread the signage… they were talking about sleeping on Vanna!


  31. keryn says:

    I have a Select Comfort bed too and I love it. I used to wake up in pain and I’d end up with migraines due to back pain. Since we got this bed, I’ve been sleeping better, waking up without pain, and my headaches are nearly extinct! I’m thrilled!

  32. nancycle says:

    I have a no frills sort of firm mattress with a 2″ Tempurpedic on top of that. It’s SUPER comfy. ๐Ÿ™‚

  33. Eve says:

    [My] Dave and I were having A LOT of trouble sleeping recently. No matter what we tried, we were constantly waking up or having trouble falling asleep to begin with. We realized that we really did need a new bed, so we got one and now life is sweet!!! Seriously, my life has changed in a way I didn’t think possible and all from getting a new, comfortable bed.

    I went to Sleepy’s and tried every bed in there. The Tempurpedic ones were comfortable, but I didn’t really like the way it molds to your body. I felt like I was slowly sinking in quicksand and I imagined myself being stuck that way the entire night, so out went that idea.

    The bed I got was super expensive, but that’s because I really wanted a bed that when one person gets up from the bed, the other person’s (who’s still sleeping — that’d be me) would not feel any bouncing. (Plus, it was a gift from my mother in law and she said get the best one — spare no expense! Can’t refuse that offer.)

  34. Lux Lisbon says:

    If you got the cash you can not go wrong with a Hastens.

  35. Pauly D says:

    I had sushi out last night in Los Angeles, and right next to us eating sushi was none other than Vanna White.

    Without makeup.

    Man, she looks old old old old old.

  36. Dave2 says:

    A pity you didn’t read this before you were at the sushi joint… you could have smacked her upside the head and told her it was from me for recommending a crappy mattress!

  37. We recently “tried out” a Sleep number bed. It was very nice and it was topped with the foam stuff that the tempurpedic is made from so it was sort of non-bouncy. But one of our friends had one and it ended up bumpy on one side, too. They couldn’t get it sorted out and Sleep number people wouldn’t replace it because they thought it was their fault. Like I said, it’s a nice feeling mattress. The king size one we checked out was $3800.

    We have decided on a tempurpedic. We have a tempurpedic mattress topper on our current bed, but the mattress is getting saggy after 13 years so it’s time to replace.

  38. Dude!

    I ordered my bed from a little local mattress shop in my hometown and had it shipped to me on a train. Five years running and it’s still one of my best investments. The bed in my guest room is from the same company and I’ve had it since college (so we’re talking 10 plus years here) – it is still, after all this time, the most perfect bed I have ever slept on, bar none.

    So see if you can find a small local company that makes mattresses in your area. You’ll probably find better quality than anything from a national chain although it may be a bit more expensive. But hey, if I can afford it on a librarian’s salary, I think maybe YOU can manage it, dude. And really what is more important than sleep…and “exercise,” of course? *grin*

  39. Jules says:

    ummmm Dave….I just heard that the foam mattresses are a fortress against dust mites and I hear….uh hum….that because they mold so nicely to your body it takes a lot more…umm…motion for your ocean to feel the….welllllll motion…just thought you might want to know! ;0)

  40. I don’t think the “real” tempurpedic brand makes a mattress cover (and that and other generics cause a bit of confusion).

    I love mine and I’ve had a bjillion people comment on it (please note a lot of the complaints are NOT “real” tempurpedic brands). It is my most popular post with 214 comments so far…

  41. Peggy Archer says:

    My ex-boyfriend, Mr. Movie Star, had a tempurpedic, and I will second the opinion that you-know-what on it isn’t as good – something about the sinking into the mattress and the non-bounciness of the thing.

    We used to get out of the bed and do you-know-what on the floor or the couch.

    The tempurpedics are great for sleeping, though.

    You could always just do you-know-what in other, more exotic locales within Casa De Dave.

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