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Posted on Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

Dave!It would seem that I'm not quite finished with being karma's bitch yet, because the horror show that is my life lately continues. I just got off the phone with somebody I don't even know who has apparently made it their mission in life to irritate me as much as possible. This leads me to wonder... since dumbasses like this seem to serve no useful purpose, shouldn't Darwinian evolutionary theory dictate that they should be become extinct? And, if you don't believe in Darwin, and instead believe in some kind of divine architect, isn't the creation of dumbasses a waste of materials?

No matter what your belief structure, the existence of dumbasses simply makes no sense. Yet they're everywhere and their numbers are growing. Even worse, they're getting even more stupid. It's getting so bad that I'm almost thinking that I need to release one of my Dumbass Books so that those idiots who aspire to be a dumbass have a place to start...

Dumbass Dumbass Books

As an example, since complex thoughts like "drive right - pass left" are simply too difficult for a prospective dumbass to grasp, I'd fill the book with handy flowcharts to explain the process...

Driving Flowchart

Such a chart, naturally, would be preceded with 40 illustrated pages explaining what a "passing lane" is, because I understand how some dumbasses might get confused about such things if they are driving down a one-lane road or, heaven forbid, they try to look for a passing lane at a McDonalds drive-through or while parked or something. Dumbass books work because they assume nothing.


In an valiant struggle to cling to anything good that might be happening in my life, I was very happy to get a thank-you letter from a soldier who got one of my care packages for I never expect this (let's face it, they've got a lot more important things on their mind), but it's always a real treat when it happens...

Soldier Thanks

Yeah. I don't care how bad of a day your having, getting something like this in the mail is an amazing experience. I think I must have read through it a dozen times, because it has such a wonderful way of putting things in perspective. Sure my life may be shit, but this guy is stuck in the middle of Baghdad feeling lucky just to live another day. It's not like anything I've got going on can really compare to that.

As the end of the month approaches, I've already got most of the items for my next round of care packages to send. If you are able to help out, here's all you need to know.

And who knows what tomorrow will bring...

Categories: DaveLife 2007, DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. Hilly says:

    That letter is awesome.

    Does the fact that it choked me up a little make me severely in need of a stiff drink?

  2. Avitable says:

    That’s a great note.

    I think Darwinism would have taken care of dumbasses if we didn’t keep putting warning labels on things.

  3. Kyra says:


    That’s all. πŸ™‚ Just nice (freezing, because it’s freakin’ cold here and I haven’t been warm for two months, so I apopologise) hugs for you. I am sorry it’s been a rough couple of days.

  4. claire says:

    If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend Augusten Burrough’s book, Possible Side Effects. In particular, I think you will love his friend’s creative solution to coping with bad drivers in the chapter “Moving Violations” (starts p.179). Trust me, you’ll be inspired.

  5. ajooja says:

    Wow, Dave. Taking my biggest pet peeve and turning it into nifty graphic, then spinning that into a truly heart-warming story, is simply awesome.

    Here’s hoping you have to rescue a pack of supermodels tomorrow.

  6. Even though they annoy us with their dumbassery, dumbasses are actually a vital part of our lives. They give us confidence (because we’re smart comparatively), inspire us (I now know how not to handle a ton of situations and I never even had to piss anyone off myself), and keep us alive (thanks to them we know that taunting a pitbull with a pitchfork=instant death). I say we celebrate the dumbass for all they are and all they do for us!

    Nah, they still suck.

    Excellent letter, though!

  7. Kapha says:

    lol Avitable! πŸ˜€

    I still think we should have some kind of collective “stamp” we could put on dumbasses such that when they received enough stamps from independent sources they are whisked away by aliens for further research…

  8. stephanie says:

    Totally awesome letter!!

    Rock on with your bad self πŸ˜€

  9. margalit says:

    After your post about, we got a great care package together for a soldier from a neighboring town. Included in the package we sent were photos from around her town and some items that you can only get there (it’s an Armenian area with amazing armenian stores). Oh, we sent the normal stuff that she asked for, but we really had a good time running around town and taking silly photos in front of the Armenian Community Center and the Armenian Church, etc. We sent it off, not expecting to hear a thing. We got a phone call last week from her mother thanking us. The woman could barely speak any English and I’m not exactly sure what she said, but the gist was that the photos were her favorite thing in the package. Who would have guessed.

    So now I’m advocating that if you choose someone local, take photos around town. It seemed to really brighten up this soldier’s stay in Iraq.

  10. Rick says:

    Bagdad… what a God-awful place to be. My care package is going in the mail this weekend.

  11. borysSNORC says:

    It’s wonderful to see that you guys have found a way to support the soldiers in Iraq regardless of whether or not you support the war itself. From what we see from here (Australia) it has often appeared that when the American public disagreed with their govt’s policy on a certain, the soldiers themselves frequently cop some flack for that. NOt sure if that’s the case, it could be biased journalism creeping in there πŸ™‚ I’m going to start searching to see if there’s some way I can support the handful of Aussie soldiers that are over there too!

  12. kapgar says:

    See? It’s all worthwhile.

  13. nancy says:

    Thanks for posting the letter.


  14. ms. sizzle says:

    “who knows what tomorrow brings, in a world few hearts survive…all we have is here and now…love lift us up where we belong”

    oh yeah, it’s stuck in my head. thanks for that. no. really, thanks.

    thank you notes are the best, especially that one.

  15. Bre says:

    How awesome to get a letter back like that! I’ve gotten a few emails, but that takes the cake!

  16. Eve says:

    Wow, what a nice letter. I hope it helps to lift your spirits.

  17. Rabbit says:

    Thanks for making us aware of It sounds like a great idea. As I’m currently dating a soldier (who’s already done a tour in Iraq), I know how grateful they are for those care packages.

    Especially the ones that contain Girl Scout cookies.

  18. Tami says:

    Thanks Ms. Sizzle – I already had that stuck in my head after reading the post, and now you’ve added to my knowledge of the lyrics!

    As for the dumbass phenomenon…the book wouldn’t help them at all…they’d have to first accept their dumbassness before picking it up and then would have to have the capacity to understand the content. I just don’t see it all coming together… Plus, I’m sure their purpose on Earth is to test the patience and strength of the smarter population. Or to provide entertainment.

    But yay on receiving the thank you letter – just gives you warm fuzzies doesn’t it?

  19. Charlie.. says:

    I live 24 miles up a mountain road, only 2 lanes and no one will move over.. Why? Some bizarre goalie syndrome? If I pass do i I steal their penis? I don’t know but alas we are not alone

  20. yellojkt says:

    What a great letter. My next door neighbor is in Balad for the next six months. I don’t even know how to send him anything. I better check with his buddies that watch the house for him. You are a great inspiration.

  21. Hey, Sizz got that goddamn song stuck in my head.

    My four years in Japan was spent working on US military bases, and in the evenings I taught business classes to servicemembers at the local US college. I hate the war, and honestly I’ve never been fond of the military, but I learned a lot from those kids and have a real soft-spot in my heart for them. It’s amazing how young some of them are. Some of my students really took to me and would come visit me in my office during the day – not because they needed help with their homework, but because they needed a little “mothering” from someone. They seemed lonely and confused, and that was before they even got deployed to Iraq (which most of them eventually did.)

    I’m having the fucking worst week ever, so I think this is a good idea for me to focus on. I can’t do much, but I’m certain I can get a package together tomorrow to send. Sincere thanks for the post!

  22. Anonymous says:

    Without dunbasses paid programming would have no viewers. They are an important part of this nations economy!

  23. Anonymous says:

    I spend my days with co-workers who whine about every little inconvenience in their lives too. I often remind them of just how lucky we are to be able to whine about little things because the big things aren’t being jammed down our throats. I am going to work on them to put together a care package for any soldier. Thanks for the idea.

  24. Dave2 says:

    Hilly… No. It just makes you human. πŸ™‚

    Avitable… Warning labels! Ah, that brings back memories!

    Kyra… Is it freezing cold everywhere? After weeks of wonderful weather, it’s been snow and ice every day. πŸ™

    Claire… Oooh! Oooh! Does it involve a flamethrower?!? Because that would be totally awesome!

    Ajooja… Supermodels? Yes. That would be swell.

    Frances… Yes. Yes they DO suck. I don’t plan on celebrating dumbasses any time soon. πŸ™‚

    Kapha… Or extermination…

    Stephanie… Oh I so plan on rocking on my fine self! It’s what I DO!

    Margalit… Oh I agree! If you can find a soldier from around your area, any personal touches or news for home would be a pretty sweet thing to include… especially if they don’t get much mail.

    Rick… I’d imagine anywhere far away from home and family would be an awful place if you were away long enough.

    borysSNORC… Yeah. It may not be what they signed up for, but it’s what they’re stuck with, and sending a little support their way while they’re trying to make the best of it and survive seems only decent.

    Kapgar… I never doubted it. πŸ™‚

    Nancy… I was hoping posting part of the letter would inspire others to get involved if they could see what it means to those who receive the packages.

    Ms. Sizzle… Coming at the time it did, I couldn’t agree more!

    Bre… I get a letter or note or something 2 out of 3 times. It’s always a nice surprise, and gives me more in return than they could know. πŸ™‚

    Eve… Every little bit helps. πŸ™‚

    Rabbit… And there never seems to be a Girl Scout around when you need those cookies!

    Tami… Oh I plan on handing them out. You’re right, self-realization for dumbasses is quite a rarity. Forcing them to see the truth of their status is the only way.

    Charlie… I’m trying hard to understand what you would want with a dumbass’s penis… unless it’s to prevent them from breeding?

    Yellojkt… Anything you send will be much appreciated, so finding out how to get something to him is worth the effort!

    Long Story Longer… I think anybody who has to be away from home for extended periods would have trouble coping from time to time. Finding a way to let them know somebody cares and appreciates what they’re going through seems to help out, so it’s nice to do if you can. Even a letter is a nice gesture. πŸ™‚

    Anonymous… Ooh! And I’ll bet that nobody would buy crap from spammers either!

    Anonymous… That’s a great way of doing it. If everybody pitches in, it doesn’t cost much and somebody will be glad for your efforts!

  25. Hope tomorrow is better! It seems like you’d had more bad days so far in 2007 than in 2006. Maybe you’re do for a big upswing soon!

  26. Bec says:

    Can we please have today be over? Can we please please please wipe it from the map and never have it again?

    Yes, my life is cursed with dumbasses too.

  27. kilax says:

    Have you written a “How to Drive” for dumbasses? I love your chart!

  28. Jeff says:

    Yes, you’re absolutely right – it does put our problems into perspective. Thanks for posting that note, that was what I needed to send one too.

  29. love the flowchart! lmao! i want to blow it up and put it in my car window. πŸ™‚

    nice letter too.

  30. Robin says:

    Dave…what is the appropriate response when one is in the left lane (intending to make a left turn–in less than 1/4 mile–using turn signal) and still receives disgruntled looks/and or hand gestures and/or honking horns from fellow drivers on the highway? I get the gestures/looks/horns if the person is not already in my back seat from following too closely. I am making a LEFT TURN–why are these people so mean to me? Do I need to cut across the highway at the last possible second? Is 1/4 mile too soon to move into the left lane?

    Please Dave–shed some light! I am a good driver, but if I am not doing this correctly, I need to knowβ€”God forbid that someday you are driving in Northern Indiana and I suffer the wrath of Dave!

  31. claire says:

    Well, no flamethrower, but there is porn involved. πŸ™‚

  32. suze says:

    what a great letter. thanks for sharing it with us!

  33. Dave2 says:

    Gary… One would hope. If this means I will have no more bad days for the rest of 2007, I guess it will have been worth it?

    Bec… Alas, Mr. Peabody and the Wayback Machine are nowhere to be found. πŸ™

    Kilax… That would be Dumbass Book #1. Nothing is more urgently needed. πŸ™‚

    Jeff… It’s worth the effort!

    Dawn… I think that car manufacturers should be required to glue my flowchart to the dashboard!

    Robin… Do you have your turn-signal on? Because if you are making a left turn AND HAVE YOUR TURN-SIGNAL ON… then the problem is THEIRS… NOT YOURS (so feel free to follow them home and torch their car with a flamethrower). Drive on good citizen! πŸ™‚

    Claire… And fire. There’s always got to be fire involved. πŸ™‚

    Suze… Happy to!

  34. Bec says:

    I had totally forgotten all about them! And there is going to be a movie… but you probably knew that already!

  35. Stuffy says:

    OK I think I can help and all I need is your permission to use your well-done graphic in my story to set it up. I too have had it up to here with dumbazzes (it is, or should be, a family show on the Internet) and I started out bitching about and then realized that only helps to relieve the frustration so I took the approach of trying to come up with simple small step ideas of how to fix the stuff that dumbazzes make. Kind of a Make the World a Better Place for Dummies, if you will. (I will check out the JavasScript thing in case this doesn’t work and make a copy of this in Word before I try so I don’t have to retype the whole damn thing)

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