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Posted on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

Dave!I'm not one to think about death very often. I don't fear it, I don't dread it, I don't get upset over it. I've done quite a lot during my lifetime, and if I were to die tomorrow I would be okay with that. I'm not saying I want to die but, if it happens, that's fine by me... no regrets and all that. Usually the only time I'm bothered by death is when somebody I know dies. My own death is no bother at all.

But ever since I opened the Artificial Duck Co. store, I'm starting to think about it. I've charged people money for pre-ordered merchandise which is 4-6 weeks away. What happens if I drop dead before I can ship it to them? What if I'm on a plane that goes down? What if I get run over on the street by somebody talking on their mobile phone instead of watching the road?

For the first time in a very long time, I've been thinking about dying. Who will take care of Herbert (my plant) when I'm gone?

Dave Death
With apologies to Neil Gaiman...

And so now I've started to plan for my demise.

I've asked somebody to take care of Herbert. I've left detailed instructions on how to refund the money to everybody who has placed an order at my store. I've made sure my insurance policy is current. I've backed up my hard drive.

(Not that backing up my hard drive is important when I'm dead... but if it were to die while I was alive, I'd probably be more upset than if I myself were to die).

Bleh. It's raining this morning. The sound of it on my roof was enough to wake me up at 4:00am. It's not the worst way to wake up... except I didn't get to bed until 1:30am. Something tells me 2-1/2 hours of sleep isn't going to cut it.

Maybe I'll die from exhaustion.

But that's okay... I'm covered for that.

Categories: DaveLife 2007, DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. RW says:

    Geez… If this was a school essay you’d be in the shrink’s office by now!

  2. Tina says:

    Oooohhh Kaayyyy now! You must be very tired. Thank you for thinking of us and our stuff. Now go take a nap.

  3. Hilly says:

    Uhhhh, wow. While it’s sweet that you worry about Herbert, your customers and your hard drive, I think that if you died, we’d all be more concerned about YOU rather than our shirts and buttons.

    I’m going to erase this post from my mind now cause I don’t wanna think about it…*covers eyes*.

  4. webmiztris says:

    please don’t die, dave! I just ordered the “Try Evil” ladies t-shirt and I’d be awfully sad if I never received it.

    oh yeah, and the whole you being dead thing would bum me out a bit too. πŸ˜‰

  5. Avitable says:

    I think I like your version of Death better than Neil Gaiman’s.

  6. Lela says:

    Your store is so cool! I think I’m gonna go all shop-a-holic on that button page–I can think of 3 people I know who need a penis salad button.

  7. Rick says:

    You’re covered for exhaustion? Damn, my insurance company considers that suicide.

  8. Mist 1 says:

    I have an arrangement with a friend. When he dies, I’m to feed the cat and throw away all of his porn before I notify his next of kin.

  9. ssp says:

    At least having many people waiting for their shirts mean that as many people will be interested in you surviving… if you play your cards well you may just end up having a bunch of guardian angels.

    Sorry about the light sleep. (I am just the opposite, I can sleep with my window open through the rush hour in front of my door – I can even sleep through full CDs of music which are supposed to wake me up :/)

  10. Lara says:

    i made sure to ask a friend of mine to write a post on my blog if i die, as a sort of closure. i’ve put my login and password in a special place and told my family where it is. they know their job is to get it to my friend so she can write the post.

    does that make me crazy? probably. at least a little.

  11. kazza says:

    Before I went to America in 2004 and before I went sky diving, I sent a whole bunch of “If I die” emails, mostly to work, about stuff I thought they should know in case I died πŸ™‚

    Just ordered six shirts, can’t wait til June! lol

  12. Laurel says:

    Hey, ya gotta have a plan. I recently wrote my own obituary and a detailed outline of what my funeral is to entail. And yet, I have no will. Guess I can’t die yet. Nor can you. You’d be missed…

  13. kapgar says:

    I think I may be ordering two Geek shirts and some buttons pretty soon.

  14. Refund? NO WAY. If you die, I still want my buttons. hehe

  15. Naomi says:

    My husband HATES when I talk about my living will. He thinks I’m too young to have one–let alone the estate planning for the real thing. I’m soooo OCD, things gotta be perfect even AFTER I kick…

  16. Kyra says:

    Aww Dave, you need a vacation. πŸ™‚ Besides, you know these people would hunt you down in the afterlife anyway.

  17. Chaz says:

    Hmmm, I’ve just got to wonder why Death Dave is eating a banana. Is this DaveToon suggesting that Bad Monkey had both his banana and life stolen by Death Dave? Shame, shame on Death Dave!

  18. Walt says:


    I’ve spent the past hour going over and over everything in the store. I love it! You’ve got the best thing going on the web. The only down fall is I couldn’t walk down the isle and touch the merchandize.

    I know you’ve got a lot on your plate but showing your shop around the office the consensus is women love the duck! The ladies want the duck shirt. As a commuter I would love to have a shirt with Little Dave pulling up on the right side with a gun! Dave you’ve got a gold mine! Keep up the good work.


    P.S. I love the penis salad button. That’s the funniest thing ever.

  19. Joefish says:

    I always thought Death was kind of hot. Not so much now. πŸ˜‰

  20. Beth says:

    WAIT – if you die, don’t tell them to give us refunds, those shirts and buttons would be worth tons on ebay, like a Picaso or something…..if you really want to do me a favor then show somebody how to put my shirt in a box and mail it cuz if the shirts don’t get sent then we’re all doomed seeing as how they are “sweet crap that you can’t LIVE without”

  21. NYC Watchdog says:

    Guess what you forgot? How to tell everyone your dead! I had the same issue… until I hooked up with Life Status. Now… when I die… everyone will know. Granted, I’ll have been dead 120 days already… but at least I won’t end up like Elvis and be sighted everywhere from here to Timbuktoo.

  22. karla says:

    Rule number one of those who die is that they never seem to be prepared for it.

    So you ain’t gonna die.

    That being said, death is not scary when it’s your own, as long as it’s not painful or drawn out. AT least, that’s my view. I do worry, however, about my friends and family. Death only hurts for those left behind.

    And that, my dear, was my Philosophical Moment for the Day. Damn you for provoking thought. I almost made it through the whole day without thinking ONE productive or deep thought whatsoever.

  23. Dan says:

    Is it too late to make that toon into a shirt?

  24. Suzy says:

    Dude, seriously? You need to watch The Secret. Planning for death can mean bringing it to you. Plan for living. I’m not kidding. I’ve lived my life by the Secret and It. Always. Works.

  25. ChillyWilly says:

    Store looks good, but the one button I was looking for is not there…

    Of the set of white buttons with black lettering, I wanted the one that said “mac whore” This was posted in a blog post when you first announced the IV contest.

    Other than that, I’m all for the Bad Monkey and Geeky T.

  26. SJ says:

    Wait just a damn minute here. Where’s the provision for all us Blogography readers if you die?!?! Who’s taking care of US? Who’s letting us all know when, where, how and what your final words were?

    Most of all, who’s charged with posting the actual Dave-as-Wonder-Woman photo once you’re too dead to care?

  27. Laurence says:

    What ? I don’t want you die ! If you die, I will cry (and not because I wouldn’t have my T !!!)…

  28. Dave2 says:

    For anybody who is curious… this DaveToon is based on the character “Death” from Neil Gaiman’s “Sandman” comic.

    In an early appearance, Death talked about life and how to prevent STDs by using a condom. In place of an erect penis, she illustrated condom use on a banana…

    Death Talks About Life

    “Sandman” is one of my favorite comics, and the banana is an inside joke to fellow fans of the series.

  29. Bre says:

    As someone who regularly functions on… oh… no sleep – it takes a while to die from it. So… you’ve got time to nap and save yourself

  30. Jacki says:

    Not that I want you to die or anything but I have wondered before if you die – what happens?
    I can see myself damned to a life of checking your blog every day in the hope of a post.
    You need someone to let us know, so that we can grieve appropriately

  31. You get significant cool points for the Lil Dave as Death toon. Very nice. Gaiman’s work is a favorite of mine as well.

    When my parents got married, one of the first things my dad insisted on doing was buying their grave plots. It kinda creeped my mom out, but from my dad’s perspective it only made sense: responsible adults make sure that, should they die, they don’t pass on burdens to the ones they love. As it turned out he would need that plot a good bit earlier than either of my parents expected, which was rough on all of us, of course. But my dad had planned the hell out of things beforehand, so at least my mom didn’t have to worry about many of the details.

    Losing someone is hard enough to survive without having to worry about making major decisions too. I think you’re pretty wise to have a plan in place, just in case.

  32. suze says:

    I love Neil Gaiman just a little bit more than I love lil’Dave. So you just made my night…

  33. bogup says:

    If rain wakes you up in the middle of the night it is a good thing you don’t live in NE Kuai or western Washington state! 2 hrs duration during most nights — at most.

    As for death, the best prep is living a good life and looking forward to the hereafter. Life here is only a transitory phase and heaven, or its alternative (“try evil”), is eternity.

  34. Belinda says:

    You can’t die until we all have the spiffy beach outfit sported by Lil’ Dave in the April 28 post.

    And not really anytime after that, either, at least not until after I’m gone. Which could be anytime now.

  35. Robin says:

    Bit of a downer today… but shopping at Artificial Duck cheered me up.

    Get some sleep!

  36. Michelle says:

    Um. Don’t die. oKay.

  37. Karl says:

    I’m just worried about who gets my porn collection when I die. You’ve got a lot more on your plate.

  38. Nancy says:

    Run-run cling to life!


  39. serap says:

    I think the saddest thing would be if Li’l Dave died and left Bad Monkey behind on his own… you seem to have made no preparations for this πŸ˜‰

  40. tori says:

    First, I hope you don’t die soon. I would be sad!

    Second, when I found out I had cancer, I freaked people out all the time by telling them that if it wasn’t for my kids, I would be fine with dying. It isn’t my first choice, but I feel like I have done a lot of things in my life and am pretty much “good” with it all. There are definitely more things I would love to do, but if I died tomorrow, (which I hope I don’t do) I would only really be sad for my kids, my husband and anyone who would be sad.

  41. timothy says:

    I’m lovin’ the Artificial Duck.

    I can’t wait try evil!

  42. sandra says:

    If you died, who would write your blog?

  43. Lisa says:

    But do you have a backup plan for who will blog if you should die?

  44. holygirl427 says:

    I’m sorry Dave, but I have yet to receive a certified letter of ‘intent to die’ from you. As you know I must be faxed this 72 hours prior to any death otherwise it will be unauthorized and then I have to come get you. Since I have yet to receive this letter (in triplicate with a duplicate faxed to the Tokyo office) I’m confident in saying that you’re safe. πŸ˜‰

  45. yellojkt says:

    I’m too clueless to get the banana gag even though I have obsessed over read that PSA comic a lot.

    I think DeathDave is front runner for next year’s tee shirts.

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