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Numbers

Posted on Tuesday, March 13th, 2007

Dave!Continuing on with TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

While having breakfast the morning of TequilaCon, I spoke about a concept I call "Dave Numbers."

It's kind of a personal ranking scheme that determines your place in this world based on your proximity to the center of the universe (which would be me). In simple terms, I classify my relationship with other people by assigning them numbers. Called Dave Numbers, this classification system is built upon how close others are to me based on certain criteria. The further you are away from me (either physically or by definition), the higher your number...

Davenumbering

Here is a sample list of some things that can get you a Dave Number...

  1. You've had intimate contact with Dave.
  2. You've touched Dave.
  3. You've met/spoken to Dave in person.
  4. You've had a phone or IM conversation with Dave.
  5. You've had mail/email communication with Dave.
  6. You've received a blog comment from Dave.
  7. Dave knows who you are.
  8. You've commented at Blogography.
  9. You've read Blogography.
  10. You know who Dave is.

If your Dave Number is 0, you ARE Dave (lucky bastard!). Dave Numbers can be negative (e.g. a Dave Number of -1 implies you've had sex or some other very naughty contact with Dave, a -5 means you've performed open-heart surgery on Dave). Some other known number assignments follow. Note how drastically things decline once you get past the point where you don't even know who Dave is...

  1. You hate pudding.
  2. You think Bill O'Reilly actually knows what the f#@% he is talking about.
  3. You are Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore.
  4. You are "actor" David Caruso.
  5. You drive in the passing lane without passing anybody.
  6. You are pseudo-religious nut-bag Pat Robinson.
  7. You are skanky media dumbass bitch Anne Coulter.

Base Dave Numbers range from 1-500, whereas 500 is reserved for inanimate objects not capable of being aware of Dave at all (or anything else, for that matter... kind of like a cheese sandwich or Dr. Phil).

Sometimes Dave Numbers are assigned arbitrarily. For example, I have not had sex with Elizabeth Hurley, but she still rates a Dave Number of -1 because I feel her deep inside my soul. Sometimes Dave Numbers are arrived at by averaging. For example, if you have touched me (2) but you drive in the passing lane without passing anybody (220) your Dave Number would be 111 (2+220 divided by 2). This may seem harsh, but your not knowing how to drive properly makes me feel that much more distanced from you. In some rare cases, Dave Numbers are reached through cumulation. For example, if you hate pudding (22), are Jarod the Subway Sandwich Whore (163), and you drive in the passing lane without passing anybody (220), your total Dave Number is 405 (22+163+220). With a number like 405, you might as well not exist.

That's why events like TequilaCon are so special when I am in attendance. Just walking through this door is guaranteed to significantly decrease your Dave Number...

TequilaCon Registration
This photo shamelessly stolen from Postmodern Sass.

Since a low Dave Number is highly coveted, I live in constant fear of random people running up and talking to me or sticking their finger in my ear in hopes that their number will go down. One time a guy who wanted the bank to give him a better mortgage interest rate had knocked me down, farted in my face, then ran off declaring that he now had a Dave Number of -2 because I had "breathed in his essence." Unfortunately for him, he didn't realize that his Dave Number actually increased because that -2 had to be averaged with 496 (You cause physical, mental, or spiritual damage to Dave), which resulted in a 247. Not only did the guy not get a better interest rate, but the bank then refused to give him a loan at all, he was fired from his job, his wife left him, and he ended up being forced to live the rest of his life alone in shame. It's sad, but that's the price you pay for having such a high Dave Number.

This is why you should be clearing your calendar for TequilaCon 2008... since I am planning on attending, your happiness in life may very well depend on it.


Categories: DaveLife 2007, Elizabeth HurleyClick To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Jessica says:

    I want you to know that, in addition to being in your presence at this year’s TequilaCon, my cat is also named Dave. It’s true.

  2. Hilly says:

    I heart my Dave Number, that will be all.

    Oh that and ….you are one crazy bastard and I love it.

  3. Tracy Lynn says:

    Damnit, Dave, NOW you have invoked my COMPETITIVE NATURE. Tequilacon ’08 is in my sights. ON YOUR HEAD BE IT.

    I’m kinda wondering what my Dave number is now, but since I’m wicked bad at math, I shall continue on in probably blissful ignorance.

  4. serap says:

    Oh no… the further away from you we are the greater our number??? I’m all the way over in the UK… but I have had e-mail comunication with you (5), what kind of Dave number can I expect with this ambiguous load?

  5. delmer says:

    I give your phone number to every hot Elizabeth Hurleyesque woman I see. They’ve all assured me they’ll call you if they are ever near Washington.

    I imagine your phone is probably ringing off the hook these days due to my efforts and I’m wondering what type of number this gets me.

    Most of the women seemed very eager to meet you as they were hoping to hook up with a ‘local’ who could show them around the Lincoln Memorial.

  6. Kyra says:

    Hmmm, and yet some part of me suspects that this is an attempt to get multiple, free, feel-ups of your person. ;)

    So, if a person flashes you, what does thier number turn into? (kidding! Wait, Karl did say something about…)

    I’m not going to try and figure out my number, considering all the unknowns all the way to 500, I imagine it would bring on an advanced math migraine.

  7. Katharine says:

    That *could* have sounded a smidge egotistical.

    That said in ’08, I’ll be legal…hmmm…

  8. lizriz says:

    This post just radiates with, “I’ve been drinking heavily over multiple days.” ;)

  9. Hilly says:

    Kyra – I flashed Karl, not Dave. But you should flash him and get that numbah girl!

  10. kim says:

    I’m wondering what kind of number I would get if I drove to Eastern Washington with Cupcake Royale, pudding, and a shotgun (to shoot the people in the passing lane for you) and then touched you? Would that lower my mortgage interest rate?

  11. Hilly says:

    Oh dear God, I am stalking this post all day just to see what people will do to secure a great Dave Number.

  12. ajooja says:

    I’m a 5, but I mentioned you in my blog today. That’s gotta be worth something.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Oh my, I’m a 5. I feel so, oh, I dunno, blessed?

    But you’re a number one in my book, Dave. (batting eyelashes furiously)

  14. diane says:

    Hm. I did meet you in person. I don’t *think* I touched you (if I did, it was inadvertant). But I don’t like pudding because I am lactose-intolerant and it makes me really sick. That makes me sad, because I enjoy the taste of chocolate pudding. So, uh, where does that place me exactly? ;)

  15. karla says:

    My life goal has now become the following: Stick finger in Dave’s ear (assiduously avoiding other orifices) while avoiding farting. Instead of farting I will waft my scented perfumed hair in his face while head banging to NIN so that he can still inhale the essence of moi.

    I think the finger AND the perfume should assure me a -2. The NIN is just a bonus and a soundtrack of the memory, if you will.

    Dave, you are about to have all SORTS of wierdos sticking fingers in ears.

  16. Kyra says:

    LOL Hilly, I don’t think blinding Dave would be a good way to improve my standing on his number scale… ;)

  17. Steve says:

    As one whose Number has sadly stretched into the nether regions of the Dave nexus, I’m wondering if certain actions can remedy the situation. For instance, can the mere thought of you when all the Elizabeth Hurley news hit the wire count for anything? Your devotion to her has been unrequited (so far), though I can’t help but feel there’s a bright future in store for the 2 of you. Her current tour of the East is no doubt intensifying her karmic sensitivity. This has to bode well for you.

    I hope it doesn’t sound too self-serving when I openly ponder how much my Dave Number may have improved with this comment. I’m guessing the sincerity with which it was delivered will count for something, too.

    Oh, and I always go plenty fast in the left lane. Plus, I laugh my butt off when I think how disingenuous Jimmy Swaggart sounded when he tearfully confessed, “I have sinned against you, my Lord.” Further correlation, I figure — televangelical targets.

  18. kapgar says:

    David Caruso ranks higher than Ann Coulter? I don’t know you anymore.

    I’m a 2! Unless you really did want that kiss from me.

  19. Karl says:

    Actually, Kyra, if you flash me first and THEN Dave, your number will greatly improve. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  20. Have you no shame? And does that make my Dave Number 2?

  21. Catherine says:

    You’re kinda mathy. I have a similar system, but fuzzy logic is involved and the lines marking out degrees of proximity are permeable and smeary. And probably a little warped (I wonder if this is because I’m a girl?).

    Same color of blue, though!

  22. Hilly says:

    Karl, I don’t think showing YOU my boobs is what got me the Dave Number of “1”, thank you very much.

    I really need to stop reading this post because it is cracking me up.

  23. Andre says:

    Just wonder what number the responsible person @ Coca Cola will get for removing Coke Lime from your region …must be close to 1 Billion

  24. NYC Watchdog says:

    All numbers aside… I think that next year if you do a similar stint talking about Tequilacon then there would be a huge gigantic turnout that would be beyond your expectations.

    Then maybe I wouldn’t drink my tequila alone.

  25. Diesel says:

    Every time I get closer to you, I get further away from Kevin Bacon. Life is a cruel joke.

  26. Laurence says:

    Hoo Hoo, I am 5 !!! ;-) And I don’t think that I have negative numbers… That is pretty good !
    I think that you should give me your phone number or IM code, fly and come to Paris… After that, I would touch you… and mooooore (you know how the french girls react when they see a Dave !!!) :-D

    o_O
    What ? It is a cliché ? Okaaay… It is a cliché !!! :-D

  27. kazza says:

    wheeee I’m a 2!! lol :)

  28. Bre says:

    Will a better Dave number work in my favor when I apply for this raise? If so, I’m totall in

  29. shari says:

    Dave, it was great meeting you at TC’07! Thanks for all the work on lanyards, buttons, and details — it was epic, your attention to detail. It was a lot of fun!

  30. Robin says:

    Seems a little unfair that my number (5) could be so radically altered by my phobia for pudding (it doesn’t taste bad, I just can’t stand the texture and consistency). Seriously—I can’t even touch it. Which I think raises my average number to 13.5. So even if I made it to TequilaCon 08 and were fortunate enough to touch you, my number would only drop to 12.

    I have a twelve pack of Coke with Lime in the fridge! Does that help shave off points?

  31. Avitable says:

    So does the anal sex mean I’m a -2?

  32. Bogup says:

    OK so I hate Dr. Phil, too and you actually read an email of mine (I know this because you removed a post per request). So that makes me a five, perhaps. Oh, the evangelist is Pat ROBERTSON. I hope knowing that doesn’t raise my number, but the correction might lower it (?)
    Anyway thanks for a great blog. It is actually making me think of starting one up — if, when I get my new Macbook Pro. It would be worth starting one up just to get a button.

  33. Troy says:

    Dave #5. I like this better than the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

    Now you have to get your ass up to Canada so we can lower than number. And if you play your cards right I might just get to #1 ;) (Not likely – though you are a sexy sexy man)

  34. Firda says:

    My Dave number is 5 and unless I met you in person, I don’t think I would ever get a higher number than that since I hate talking on the phone and I don’t do IM anymore. :( Is there a Canadian TequilaCon in the near future, preferably somewhere in Southwestern Ontario? I wanna up my Dave Number!

  35. Jacki says:

    Holy crap! It has only been 10 minutes since I read this – and I already have a tension headache from the stress of trying to work my number out. If I only could apply myself to my work with the same dedication and passion.

  36. ms. sizzle says:

    i don’t want to know what my number is. just let the mystery continue.

  37. Kyra says:

    Karl – LOL, so you are saying two blind men count for more on the Dave number spectrum than one. Good to know…

    Oh hey, I have a question, if the numbers can be cumulative, can someone actually exceed 500? (like say, Dr. Phil driving in the passing lane, professing his hate for pudding?)

  38. Adena says:

    So, what the hell is MY Dave Number???

  39. Dude. You just had thirty-odd people offer to kiss, flash, touch, flatter and have barely legal sex with you! And all you did was post a little drawing with a rating system and put yourself at the center of it all.

    There’s some freaky genius on display there…maybe we could have you work on that whole world peace thing next.

    My number, I’m sure, is woefully high with few prospects of being lowered (unless you’re planning to visit my side of the country soon). But you obviously rate fair-to-middlin on the CL-scale since I’ve left more than one bratty comment on your blog. I’m only bratty with the folks I like (you lucky dog you).

  40. Mocha says:

    I’m pleased that I’m at a 2 and yet we’d never spoken over the phone before that happened. So, dude? Why haven’t you called me?

  41. kilax says:

    I’m only a number 5. I feel so lowly :(

  42. ChillyWilly says:

    I’m a 5 on the Dave Number scale. It should have been a 3 for this year’s TequilaCon, but that’s going to have to wait till next year… unless you find your way to Salt Lake before next March (Big City Soup awaits)

  43. Jeff says:

    I’m not sure you intended it, but you just successfully compared Dr. Phil to a cheese sandwich – which is the best description of Dr. Phil I’ve heard to date.

  44. Michael says:

    I guess number 8 is not so bad. At least it’s not 481.

  45. The Chad says:

    I rank a 2. Since you are the center of the center of the universe, what type of orbit does my world (World of Chad) revolve around said center?

  46. Laurence says:

    One more question : what does the “Dave number 0” mean ?
    :-)

  47. ~jtm says:

    Oh man! This might be my favorite Dave post of all time…

  48. Dave2 says:

    Jessica… But did you name your cat after me, or is it just a coincidence?

    Hilly… I too love that I am a crazy bastard. I just can’t seem to help myself there Jellybean!

    Tracy Lynn… Well, TequilaCon 2008 it is then!

    Serap… You’re still a 5. The physical distance isn’t much of a factor… especially since I’ve been to the UK. :-)

    Delmer… Good heavens, man! We’ve eaten Pasta Salvi together! If that doesn’t get you a 2, I don’t know what does! Well, I do… but still…

    Kyra… The benefit of being me here is that math is not required… I can FEEL what number people are! It’s a gift.

    Katharine… Oh no… it’s ABSOLUTELY egotistical! This is me we’re talking about, after all! :-)

    Liz… Nah, I’m like this all the time. Determining how people fit into my world is what I do…

    Hilly… Flashing Karl when I myself haven’t been flashed is a good way to increase your number… I’m just saying…

    Kim… Not only would you probably get a lower interest rate from having a low Dave Number, but the bank might not care if you pay the money back!

    Hilly… I’m actually SCARED to see what people will do to secure a great Dave Number!

    Ajooja… It depends on how great you say I am in your blog when you mention me. Heap on enough praise and send me money, and that 4 is yours! :-)

    Anonymous… Actually, I’m 0… the epicenter of the universe is right here!

    Diane… Your liking pudding, even though you can’t eat it, doesn’t count against you… I’d say you earned that 2!

    Karla… I should redefine that to I TOUCH YOU, instead of you touch me… but I worried about a sexual harassment suit or something when people come running up and start screaming “TOUCH ME DAVE! TOUCH ME!!”

    Kyra… See.. this is what I was talking about just above… it’s a sexual harassment suit just waiting to happen!

    Steve… Dave likes the Elizabeth Hurley. Dave has now taken notice of who you are… enjoy your newfound 7 status, Steve!

    Kapgar… Did you not hear her latest tirade? Ann Coulter is very close to earning a Base Dave Number higher than 500! I am very comfortable with you having a 2… and so should you! However… we’ve seen Depeche Mode IN CONCERT together, so you get a 1 status here. It doesn’t get more intimate than that! (at least not without body fluids being involved).

    Karl… Wait a second… when did I get to be sloppy flashing seconds?

    Sass… No. I have no shame at all. I’d have thought that the photos coming out of TequilaCon would have proven that!AC

    Catherine… It’s my aura. I radiate calming blue waves of Daveness!

    Hilly… Maybe if he took a picture of your boobs and then rubbed it on my ass or something…

    Andre… Yep, that bastard is at Base Dave Number 496!! Steal my Coke with Lime, and you better run! :-)

    Watchdog… I simply cannot say enough good things about TequilaCon, so you are probably right!

    Diesel… Yes, but what can you do with a degree of Kevin Bacon? Nothing! You should be thrilled to be trading useless Bacon Degrees for a lower Dave Numbers!

    Laurence… Usually French girls run away laughing! Maybe you should make plans for TequilaCon 2008? It might be a while before I make it back to Paris. :-(

    Kazza… I’d think that if I flew to Australia to visit that you would earn that Dave Number 1… and Stu wouldn’t even have to kick my ass, which is what normally happens when a fiancé’s wife-to-be gets a 1. :-)

    Bre… Probably. I should make pins so people can show off their Dave number. Not only would you get a raise, but they just might give you an extra two weeks paid vacation!

    Shari… And on top of all that, you got a great Dave Number out of the deal!

    Robin… Wow… you don’t like the creamy goodness of pudding? Maybe if it was baked into a Betty Crocker cake? Doesn’t she still put pudding in the mix? :-)

    Avitable… Only if I enjoyed it.

    Bogup… Well, the button comes from attending TequilaCon… so start that blog and make plans for 2008!

    Troy… Be careful what you wish for…

    Firda… Seriously, be careful what you wish for… :-)

    Jacki… You could save yourself the math trouble by BUYING your Dave Number! If you gave me $1000, I would definitely arrange to call and say thanks… and that’s a 4 right there! :-)

    Ms. Sizzle… You brought me my Kates… that’s a level of intimacy that no man can resist! You earned that DaveNumber of 1, and had I seen you and Hilly making out in the hallway, you might have done even better. Moral of the story? Next time send somebody to get me. :-P

    Kyra… Absolutely! Base Dave Numbers may end at 500, but you can absolutely go higher than that through a cumulation of atrocities!

    Adena… You got a hug at the end of the night, but your shirt was on so you get a respectable Dave Number of 2. :-)

    Caffeinated… Don’t be ashamed of a Dave Number of 5… the percentile of people lucky enough to make it that close is almost microscopic!

    Mocha… Because I don’t want yet another restraining order against me. Once I start calling, I kind of have a hard time stopping… :-)

    Kilax… You had your chance to get a better number at Davecago! But oh no… you had to be studying in Italy! You have nobody to blame but yourself! :-D

    ChillyWilly… Yep, your lanyard was all made and waiting for you and everything! But since you never know where I might show up, your Dave Number could be improving sooner than you think… Big City Soup indeed!

    Jeff… Actually, I compared him to an inanimate object (along with a cheese sandwich), but that’s close enough!

    Michael… Yes, that would be extraordinarily bad. Never underestimate the power of a massively high Dave Number to ruin your life! Cherish that 8 my friend…

    The Chad… Speaking as a citizen of World of Chad, I’d say you’re just slightly left of center. It’s a nice neighborhood for a world, that’s for sure!

    Laurence… I am Dave Number 0. All other numbers radiate from me. Though negative numbers radiate inwards, which is something entirely different. :-)

    jtm… Wow… but how can you possibly choose when ALL of my entries are so amazing? Though, the fact that I am replying to your comment just now does kind of make this more special to you… I can see that! :-D

  49. Dave2 says:

    Holy crap that was a lot of comments! :-)

  50. nancy says:

    Am I reading it’s a negative to have sex with you Dave?! I’m certain there’s an error in my interpretaion.

    Holding at 6.

  51. Avitable says:

    Well, you wouldn’t have sent me those flowers if you didn’t enjoy it, right?

  52. Robin says:

    If the pudding is baked into the cake, I can eat the cake. Mix a tub of Cool Whip into the pudding, it completely changes the texture and I can then eat the pudding. How weird is that!

  53. brandon says:

    I won’t even say my nummer, cuz you know what it is. OH you would have REMBERED my number. *snaps finger overhead and sashays away with hand on hip* mmmhmmm.

    comment stolen from ed adkins

  54. sandra says:

    I’m all over TC ’08! And am so jealous that I didn’t get a button.

    (cries)

  55. kapgar says:

    Woo hoo!!! I’m a 1!!!!!

    And I got a killer live music experience out of the matter to boot!!!

  56. lmao! excellent post, dave! I think I’m a 5. But then again, I don’t like Coke with Lime so I might be a 496. :)

  57. adena says:

    You mean, all I had to do was take my shirt off to get a 1??!

    NOW you tell me!!

    Ah well, your loss! :)

  58. ChillyWilly says:

    Thx, Dave. Just shoot me an email the day before you are in town (that is, if your blog entry doesn’t mention a pending trip to Utah).

  59. Laurence says:

    Dave2… Tequilacon 2008… Where and When ? :-)

  60. Kristin says:

    Woohoo! I’m an 8! I’ll take it. Though I am available for IMing. I will not be sticking any fingers in any ears, though. Gross.

  61. Jessica says:

    Okay so my cat wasn’t named AFTER you but now he is ;)

    Hey, I get a hella Dave number from the eggs. Seriously.

    Finally got my TC post up and will add my pics to Flickr soon.

  62. Mike says:

    I need to start a numbering system like that.

    I’d also wish for a canadian TC. :-)

  63. MotherReader says:

    Okay, I’m only an eight and I’m pretty sure from all I’ve read here that I won’t be weighed down with any high numbers to change my score. As a matter of fact, I voted on that Cupid video release thing per your instructions. Twice. That should be worth something.

    I really just wanted to compliment you on an incredibly funny post. Comedy gold there.

  64. CGHill says:

    In a truly rational world, nitwits like the undersigned would not dare to post otherwise-meaningless comments like this in a desperate attempt to improve their Dave Numbers.

    Or would they?

  65. Chris says:

    Not only have I met you, commented on your blog and had the pleasure of your comments on my blog – but my middle name is David… Should count for something… right? :)

  66. I don’t know how I missed this post when you wrote it originally, but it’s genius.

  67. Brandon says:

    I’ve achieved a number finally after reading your blog for so long and being inspired by you to keep a blog. I’m proud of this and will continue to climb the ranks until I’m a 3.

    I say 3 because touching just seems creepy and I’m not sure intimate contact is where I see this relationship going.

    you’re the balls. keep the entertainment comin.

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