Blogography Logo
spacer

   

The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

Posted on Sunday, August 31st, 2003

Dave!Since the Friday Five has been pretty lame lately, I've noticed a few other Fivers have turned to the Bernard Pivot Questionnaire, made famous by James Lipton on his show "Inside the Actor's Studio."

What is your favorite word? "Frotz." It was the magical spell of light from the old Infocom game "Enchanter" (and its equally excellent sequels, "Sorcerer" and "Spellbreaker"). To this day I still love the sound of it (yeah, I'm a geek... get over it). If you need a real word, it would have to be "malaria" I watched a movie once where a character had said that "malaria was the most beautiful word in the English language" and, after thinking about it for a minute, I had to agree (though I think the word is actually of Italian origin). If anybody remembers the name of that movie, let me know.

What is your least favorite word? "Empowerment." It sums up everything I hate about all those sappy motivational "empowerment" posters that are supposed to make you fall in love with the idea of idiotic corporate buzzwords like "Teamwork," "Perseverance" and "Commitment." Every time I see one these laughable prints, I want to gag and then crap on it (the parodies, however, are priceless!). If employees were truly empowered, they wouldn't need a poster to tell them about it.

What turns you on? Literally, Elizabeth Hurley... I cannot get past my obsession with her. Figuratively, kindness turns me on. It is so easy to be cruel, hurtful, or destructive... but stumbling across true acts of kindness reaffirms my faith in humanity and turns me on to our possibilities.

What sound do you love? Elizabeth Hurley saying anything in that kickin' English accent of hers. Sometimes while I am working, I'll put on the movie "Bedazzled" for background noise (which is stupid, because I'll just end up watching the film again and not get any work done at all, but hey... it's not like anyone ever gets tired of looking at her, even in mediocre and predictable films like this).

What sound do you hate? Honking horns and train whistles... particularly in the middle of the night when I am trying to get some sleep.

What is your favorite curse word? Muthaf#@%er. I truly wish it wasn't but, whenever the shit hits the fan, that's the word that pops out of my mouth.

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Translator. I love words and languages, and it would be pretty cool to have a career that would allow me to travel the world, meet new people, experience new cultures, and learn new languages.

What profession would you not like to participate in? Politician. I'd rather die than be associated with the slimy crack-heads that seem to litter the American Political machine.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Took you long enough, bitch! (I'd like to think that god has some street cred to him).

   

Elizabeth Hurley

Posted on Sunday, August 31st, 2003

Dave!I just got an e-mail from some random guy I don't even know asking "Why in the heck do you like Elizabeth Hurley? She's a crap actress!" To which I respond... are you f#@%ing kidding me?

I stole this image of the brutally hot Ms. Hurley from the Sexy Sexy Elizabeth Hurley Pictures site.

   

The Friday Five: None for You

Posted on Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Dave!Yet another week without a Friday Five. Bizarre that they don't ever seem to have any sets of questions in reserve for those times when there is "too much going on." Since the questions come from reader suggestions, it doesn't seem like it would take much time at all. Oh well. I decided to make my own "Friday Five" from suggestions found on "Blog Ideas." This can be dangerous, because their ideas can be a bit odd, but I'll give it a shot...

1. How good is your penmanship? Not so good now that everything I "write" is typed out on a computer. In the 80's I had swell penmanship for printing... I've always sucked at cursive.

2. Have you ever seen a dead body? Unfortunately, yes... but surprisingly, it was not because I killed anybody!

3. How do you feel about being naked? I'm fine with it. The question that you should be asking is how do other people feel about me being naked.

4. The perfect pizza? As I've blogged before... pizza perfection is the "Da Vinci" (Feta cheese, basil pesto, fresh tomato & mozzarella) from David's Pizza in Spokane, Washington. Yes, really.

5. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours? That's a no-brainer... Elizabeth Hurley. I would gladly be tied to such brutal hotness for the rest of my life.

   

Meme

Posted on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004

Dave!Today was not much better than yesterday. I hope this string of sucky days ends soon. Needless to say, this means I am not in much of a mood to write anything chipper. Perhaps a questionaire? Neil is always finding new and interesting memes for his blog. He should have listed this uncanny talent under question #20. So here goes "Another Day, Another Meme."

  1. Born on what day of the week? A Thursday. After 14 hours of labor (or so my mother tells me).
  2. Chore you hate? Ironing, but only because I suck at it. I always end up putting more wrinkles in than what I started with, and that's what I hate. I don't mean to be sexist, but my search for the perfect woman will include ironing skills. Damn, I'll bet Elizabeth Hurley can iron the hell out of a pair of trousers...
  3. Liz and Her Iron

  4. Dad’s name? Well, I'm David Simmer II, so you figure it out.
  5. Essential makeup item? Uhhh... do contact lenses count?
  6. Favorite actor? There are too many to pick just one... Kevin Kline, James Earl Jones, Bill Murray, Jean Reno, Morgan Freeman... and since "actress" is no longer politically correct, I suppose I should include ELIZABETH HURLEY, Uma Thurman, Jaimie Lee Curtis, Selma Blair, and Liv Tyler. I'm sure there are more that I'm forgetting.
  7. Gold or silver? I don't wear jewelry, so I'd probably opt for gold because I could sell it for more money!
  8. Hometown? Cashmere, WA.
  9. Instruments you play? None anymore.
  10. Job title? Marketing and Design Coordinator... I think... I don't know that I've ever looked at my business card.
  11. Kids? None that I know of. Wow, that sounded funny in my head, but looks kind of crass in print.
  12. Living arrangements? Apartment.
  13. Mom’s name? Mommy!
  14. Need? To escape from time to time.
  15. Overnight hospital stays? None that I remember for myself, but I have stayed overnight to be with others.
  16. Phobias? Heights. I thought that skydiving would cure me of it, but it never did.
  17. Quote you like? "No matter where you go, there you are." -- Buckaroo Banzai.
  18. Religious affiliation? None, though I study Buddhism.
  19. Siblings? My younger brother.
  20. Time you wake up? Usually between 4:30am and 5:30am.
  21. Unique talent? To completely ignore annoying people around me.
  22. Vegetable you refuse to eat? Broccoli or cauliflower... I loathe even the smell of them.
  23. Worst habit? Completely ignoring people who annoy me.
  24. X-rays you’ve had? My right foot (nope, it wasn't broken) and my teeth.
  25. Yummy food you make? Enchiladas based on my grandmother's recipe, but with rice instead of meat.
  26. Zodiac Sign? Aries. THE RAM!!

Tomorrow is Wednesday already? Bleh. I don't hold out much hope for it not sucking...

   

FridayQ: Liar

Posted on Friday, June 25th, 2004

Dave!Lie about where you spent your last vacation. My last vacation was spent scuba diving around the private tropical paradise of Young Island off the coast of St. Vincent in the Caribbean.

Tell an untruth about your last romantic encounter. Whilst waiting for my yacht to be fueled in Barbados, I happened upon Elizabeth Hurley at the Monkey Bar in St. James. After a few drinks and some clever conversation, we retired to her luxury suite at the Sandy Lane Hotel for a romantic evening so incredible that the movie rights have been sold to Miramax.

Fib about the last gift you received. As thanks for the most amazing night of passion she has ever known, Elizabeth Hurley gave me a $16,000 Rolex Submariner Gold watch.

FQ DARE: This time tell the truth on all the above! My last real vacation was a trip to New Orleans with my mom last December. My last romantic encounter was with an ex-girlfriend who had just broken up with her current boyfriend and was looking for a rebounder a couple months ago. The last gift I received was a basket of fresh fruit.

You too can be a liar at the FridayQ!

   

Millionaire

Posted on Thursday, September 2nd, 2004

Dave!My life is pretty boring right now (work... ride motorcycle... repeat) so there's just not very many interesting things for me to blog about ("interesting" being a relative term, of course). This morning while in the shower I started thinking about things I could blog about. I could write about the brand of shampoo I use, obviously, or perhaps even how I get rid of soap scum in the tub. But surely there's something more... something captivating and exciting. Something that's actually worth people's valuable time to read.

And then it occurred to me: I would have tons of cool crap to blog about if I had a million dollars!

Somebody could give me a million dollars (PayPal accepted) and I could blog about how I spend it!!

I know, I know... before you go sending me a million dollars, there are few questions you have. Well never fear, that's what I am here for...

If I give you a million dollars, how do I know that you will really blog about it?
I blog about brushing my teeth for crying out loud, do you actually think I wouldn't blog about spending a million dollars?

Yeah, but how do I know you won't blow it all on something crazy and I'll only get one blog entry out of the deal?
Because I'm just not that stupid. It's not like I'd give it all to a foundation for bat guano research or pay Elizabeth Hurley a million dollars to sleep with me or something. Oh no, your million dollars guarantees you years of fabulous blog entries!

Just how long will it take you to spend it then?
Say... do you really think Elizabeth Hurley would sleep with me for a million dollars? Nah, you're right, she'll love me because I'm such a wonderful person, not because of how much money I have.

What exactly will you do with the million once I give it to you?
I don't know, and that's what's so cool about it: we'll find out together! Some of it will be going to charity (that's just how it works when you get a lot of money) but the rest will probably be spent doing interesting things, meeting interesting people, and buying cool crap. Whatever happens, you'll read about it right here!

I don't trust PayPal with my money, can I send you a certified check?
But of course! Wire transfers, bearer bonds, and gold bouillon are also perfectly acceptable.

Great! I am a Nigerian businessman with ten million dollars in oil prospecting revenue stuck in a bank. If you pay the $100,000 release fee, I'll give you a million of it!
Didn't I already mention that I'm not stupid? If I'm going to toss away massive amounts of money, I'd rather send it to Ze Frank.

But I love your blog just how it is! If I give you a million dollars, won't you change and not be the same person anymore?
Nah, that would never happen. I'll be the same guy I've always been, just with a lot more money. No sir, a million dollars won't change me one bit!

Dave Millions

This is just a scam to get me to pay you a million dollars isn't it?!? Uhhh... you obviously haven't read much of my blog. This is just a joke*.

   

*not that I'm saying I would refuse it if somebody offered me a million dollars, mind you.

   

Liz

Posted on Thursday, September 30th, 2004

Dave!I think today shall be declared Elizabeth Hurley Appreciation Day! Well, for me every day is Elizabeth Hurley Appreciation Day, but I'm not letting that stop me. After having gotten Kazza to post a photo of the delectable Ms. Hurley in her blog, I decided to do the same. To top off this day of delights, I think I shall have to watch Bedazzled for the fiftieth time (nothing is quite so very nice as watching Liz being very naughty!).

Again, much link love goes out to the Sexy Sexy Elizabeth Hurley Pictures site, from which I have swiped this photo. It is easily one of the best sites on the Internet, and I highly recommend that you go there and spend an hour or two admiring breathtaking photos like this one...

Elizabeth Hurley Appreciation Day

Lovely. Perhaps this will have to be a double-feature night and I'll watch Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery along with Bedazzled. It's not like one can ever get enough of Elizabeth Hurley.

   

Joy

Posted on Sunday, February 13th, 2005

Dave!For the first time in a week, my migraines seem to be subsiding. I was going to go get a shot Friday after work so that I could have the weekend to recover from the nausea... but ultimately ended up deciding to spend the weekend in bed to see if I can get my head to stop exploding. Now it's just a kind of dull ache behind my eyeballs, and will hopefully have dissipated by tomorrow morning.

Assuming the geese don't attack.

This morning I was awoken by some geese honking all over the place. I thought it was an excellent opportunity to take out the garbage so I could see what a flock of geese looks like all up-close and personal-like. That was a mistake. These were some angry geese, and decided to attack me. Well, not really attack, but they did come honking my way... as if possessed by a rage from some long-forgotten evil. I am proud to say that I did not drop the trash and run screaming like a little girl. Instead I stood frozen and screamed like a big girl ("AAAAAAAAHHHHH!") which is my own personal brand of evil-repellent. After that, they honked off not to return. Yet. The horror. I live in constant fear of them coming back for me.

My migraine forgotten for the moment, I decided to catch up on the blogosphere and find some nice things to say here for a change...

Jerz: My first stop at Mr. Jerz was instantly rewarded by giving me all kinds of new profanity for my blogging rants and, if that were not enough, also provides a way of creating new ones of my own! Somebody needs to turn this brilliance into a Flash-based profanity-maker...

Jerz

Hmmm... let's try this out, shall we?

Napshitter: Scott Andrew (whose music you really should take a listen to) has noticed that Napster has a lame full page dedicated to taking pot-shots at Apple's iPod and iTunes. And now they're putting them on television as well. To which I can only say to Napster: bitch, please. The iPod is the overwhelming choice for the discerning digital music listener, and your shit isn't even compatible with it. Furthermore, your taint-spank (thank you Mr. Jerz!) claim of being able to fill up some sack-smoking (thanks again!) Windows MP3 player that isn't anything close to being as nifty as my iPod for just $15 is grossly misleading. Sure you can do it... but after 30 days, you're boned, because all that music disappears unless you pay another bitch-licking (Jerz!) $15 for another 30 days. Just close up you testicle-slapping (whoo!) excuse for a music service and stop wasting our time.

Oh my. And here I was going to say nice things for a change. I blame Mr. Jerz.

Hurley: There was good news to be found when I drop by e-Dennis and see there's a rumor running around which has Elizabeth Hurley being attached to the next Harry Potter movie. If anything can save that franchise for me, this would be it. You can read a few of the many unabashed Hurley-lust entries I've made over the hottest woman in the known universe here and here and here.

Still: Neil has crafted a nice message for the MPAA after they closed down LokiTorrent (a BitTorrent hub). Even better, Boing Boing has picked it up! Sweet. I am a big fan of BitTorrent because it allows me to download television to take on the road with me, and easily archive shows that I can't be sure will ever be released on DVD (I'd do all this on my TiVo, but we all know how that's turning out). I find absolutely nothing wrong with my doing this. I pay DirecTV obscene amounts of money every month to watch those shows, and always buy the DVDs for shows I want to keep. If television networks had half-a-brain, they'd allow you to buy the shows over the internet in the first place.

Final: James has noted that Star Trek: Enterprise has entered the final frontier and been cancelled after this season. How can anybody be surprised. NOTHING EVER HAPPENS ON THAT SHOW! It's just one boring episode after another. When is a kick-ass Star Trek show going to come along? Somebody should hire Ron Moore and the Battlestar Galactica team to take care of it.

Toby: And why couldn't I think of this? Of course, being a vegetarian, my credibility in such a threat would be quite low.

Pee: Just a few days ago I was thinking I might be able to drive up my blog traffic by getting some kind of high-profile endorsement. And now fate steps in. Heaven only knows nothing would make me happier than "spreading love all over the blogosphere," but some endorsements are just inviting trouble. I get enough wacky hate mail as it is, so perhaps being mired in obscurity it not such a bad thing.

Summer: The quirks of seasonal inversion between the north and south hemispheres of our planet is a nice side-effect of an international blogosphere. CoffeeWaffle is eating summer berries off the vine in New Zealand, and Kazza is spending time in the swimming pool in Australia. Naturally, I'm jealous. Summer means being able to ride my motorcycle. Of course, given the weak winter we've been having here, they should be cleaning the streets of loose gravel any day now. THERE... now that makes me happy.

   

Gay

Posted on Saturday, March 5th, 2005

Dave!It's kind of strange how the blogosphere has been so quiet lately. Many regular posters have been skipping days... even weeks... and, most surprising, I haven't seen any new memes running around. I don't know if the advent of Spring is causing people to be distracted, or if bloggers are just tired of blogging. These things run in cycles I suppose.

Imagine my surprise when I see a new meme has been started over at DOWN WITH PANTS! (just after their one-year anniversary, I might add). Inspired by Jay & Silent Bob's bit on VH1, I give you Three Guys I Might Go Gay For. Since this is not a topic I tend to think about, I've decided to make it easy on myself and stick to movie actors so I don't have to get into sports stars, singers, politicians, and other guys I don't know much about...

Gay for Hugh

Gay for Hugh

Hugh Grant. I will admit that I find nothing attractive about Hugh Grant, but his lips used to be pressed against various Elizabeth Hurley body parts, which is somehow appealing to me. He's not an overly-great actor, but he finds roles that he is well-suited for (I thought he was especially good in Notting Hill) so perhaps I could use that as a reason to go all gay over him. Well, that and his money, of course.

Gay for Dominic

Dominic Monaghan. The least gay of all the gay Hobbits in Lord of the Rings, Dominic Monaghan is HOT! Because of his humor, he is one of the few characters on Lost who can divert my attention from Evangeline Lilly (who he happens to be dating), so I can only guess that I could go all gay over him.

Gay for Scott

Scott Plank. In an attempt to be semi-serious here, if I were to go gay, there is one actor I can think of that I wouldn't mind spending time with... mainly because I have been lucky enough to spend time with him (uhhh... but not like that!): Scott Plank. Unfortunatley, he has passed on, so I'm not sure if he counts. I met Scott during a horrible three month involvement I had with a Hollywood movie project, and can say in all honesty that he was the ONLY person I met during that time who wasn't a self-involved, artificial, arrogant, jerk. When the project ultimately fell apart, I tried my best to put it behind me and forget all about it, but it would be difficult to forget such a fun, humble, kind person like Scott Plank. I was saddened to hear he had died, even more upset that his potential as an actor was never realized while he was alive, and am devastated that my search for photos of him on the internet found practically nothing (the above image was from some kind of stage play he was involved in, because pictures of his television and movie roles don't seem to exist?). Granted he wasn't especially famous, but he was on a number of shows like Air America, Strange Luck, and Melrose Place... surely he should be remembered somewhere? Anyway, a guy could do a lot worse than going all gay over Scott Plank.

And there you have it. In reviewing my picks, I'm not sure what they say about my choice in men. Humor perhaps? That seems to make sense, because once you remove things like "breasts" out of the female equation, that's an appealing factor for me.

   

FridayQ; Beauty

Posted on Friday, April 8th, 2005

Dave!Where's the most beautiful place you've ever been? What made it beautiful to you? Edinburgh, Scotland. The architecture and atmosphere of Edinburgh's Old Town is stunningly beautiful. Every time I visit, it takes my breath away. Other beautiful places: York, England; Bryce Canyon, Utah; Barking Sands, Kauai; Bali, Indonesia; La Jolla, California; Gamla Stan - Stockholm, Sweden; Phang Nga, Thailand; Neuschwanstein, Germany; Wicklow, Ireland.

Beautiful

Who's the most beautiful person you can think of? What makes them beautiful to you? Well, my obvious choice would be Elizabeth Hurley, who is one of the most physically beautiful creatures on earth. But beauty can transcend the physical, which is why I find people like the Dali Lama to be beautiful as well. Other beautiful people I've grabbed from my pictures folder: Jessica Alba, Halle Berry, Katie Holmes, Kelly Hu, Salma Hayek, and Angelina Jolie.

Beautiful

What's the most beautiful object you've ever looked at? What makes it beautiful? Hands down "The Pieta," Michelangelo's statue masterpiece... it defines beauty in art to me, and is so powerful that just standing before it is a religious experience. Other beautiful things: my motorcycle, Van Gogh's Starry Night, Petronas Towers, Diego Rivera's The Flower Carrier, my PowerBook Titanium G4, and one of Michelangelo's many, many other master-works, the Sistine Chapel.

Beautiful

FQ LIST: Tell us ten more beautiful things! When you think of "beauty," what one thing comes to mind for the following words:

  • music: Eric Sera.
  • movie: Field of Dreams.
  • book: Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
  • meal: Alfredo alla Scrofa.
  • gemstone: Sapphire.
  • flower: Crocus.
  • web site: Google.
  • artwork: The Pieta.
  • appliance: iPod.
  • animal: Tiger.

Beauty is everywhere at the FridayQ.

Movie Quotable of the Day: "Bitch, I'm not playing... you gonna be the nine toe having-est, limping-est bitch in Harlem if you don't put that razor away!"
Yesterday's Answer: The Breakfast Club (1985) with Molly Ringwald and Judd Nelson.

   

Celebrity

Posted on Saturday, April 30th, 2005

Dave!I am seriously behind in my blog reading. NetNewswire reported that I had 427 entries waiting, which is pretty bad, so I decided to just dedicate my morning to getting caught up.

About 100 deep, I run across an excellent idea for a meme over at Rob's Cucucachoo blog (which he got from an episode of Friends)... where you list the top five celebrities would you have "relations" with, even if you were already in a relationship. I don't think it would surprise anybody if my list looked like this:

  1. Elizabeth Hurley.
  2. Elizabeth Hurley.
  3. Elizabeth Hurley.
  4. Elizabeth Hurley.
  5. Elizabeth Hurley.

I mean, COME ON!! Have you ever seen anything so delicious in your life?

But, in the interest of being diplomatic to all the women out there who are not Elizabeth Hurley, I suppose it's only fair that I give some other celebs a shot at my sweet, sweet lovin'... here's a slight revision for the moment:

  1. Elizabeth Hurley.
  2. Katie Holmes.
  3. Halle Berry.
  4. Jessica Alba.
  5. Angelina Jolie.

A pity that you can't go over five... there should be a way to fit Kelly Hu in there somewhere. Oh well, it's not like if Kelly Hu ever made a move on me that I would go "oh, so sorry, but you're not on my list!"

Movie Quotable of the Day: "There are three basic types, Mr. Pizer... the Wills, the Won'ts, and the Can'ts. The Wills accomplish everything, the Won'ts oppose everything, and the Can'ts won't try anything."
Yesterday's Answer: Jackie Brown (1997) with Pam Grier and Samuel L. Jackson.

   

Marklar!

Posted on Monday, June 6th, 2005

Dave!Holy Marklar! Today Marklar announced that Marklar will be using Marklar instead of Marklar in their Marklar. I guess that the Marklar were true. As I said, I don't give a Marklar if it means we'll end up with cheaper and faster Marklar.

Also today I finally managed to get my motorcycle back out of storage after over a month of being trapped in cars and planes. The only problem is that I'm not used to riding it. And I'm old. This means I don't ride the motorcycle... the motorcycle rides me. I was out for only a half-hour and feel half-dead... mostly in my legs, which are not used to stretching like that.

In other news... I've decided to rename all the constellations.

Davenightsky

The current names are all Greek gods and stuff, which is kind of boring. I'm going to name them all after myself and stuff I think is cool. Things like "Daveon: The Dave" and "Macinopolis: The Macintosh" and "Lizobethia: The Elizabeth Hurley" and "Cheeseora: The Cheese Sandwich." I'm thinking of keeping "Draco: The Dragon," because that's already kind of cool-sounding.

Next up: I'm renaming all of the mountains and rivers of the world. Oh yeah... and all the countries and cities too. Trust me, it will be much better this way.

Movie Quotable of the Day: "It's not important how many people I've killed... what's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive."
Yesterday's Answer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992) with Kristy Swanson and Pee-Wee Herman.

   

Tripping Day One: Seattle

Posted on Sunday, July 10th, 2005

Dave!My fantasy of getting more than four hours of sleep for a long day of travel did not come to pass. This is probably a good thing, because a zombie-like state helps dramatically when trying to ignore the plethora of morons that I'm bound to encounter.

Like now. As I sit here at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, some rude bitch is screaming into her mobile phone about how horrible her vacation was. Needless to say, the rest of us here are just riveted as to the juicy details... broken shower, no hot water, not enough towels... and on and on. I try to imagine how anybody could possibly want to hear this shit, and my sympathies go out to the person on the other end of the line.

It's not all tragedy though. Whilst looking for a magazine to kill my two-hour layover, I see Elizabeth Hurley staring back at me from the cover of VEGAS...

Lizvegas

Sure it's only a one page interview, but there are four amazing shots of the most beautiful woman on the planet inside, so I don't much care. I mean, damn! Faint with hope that she is promoting a new movie or something, I race over to her entry on IMDB and see that she still doesn't have anything past Method waaayyy back in 2004. Shucky darn.

Oooh ooh! First my flight to Seattle was oversold, now my flight to Minneapolis is oversold... and somebody at the check-in counter is very, very unhappy that he doesn't have a seat yet. On one hand, I can't blame him but, on the other, he will probably get on when they release seats at the half-hour mark (and we're 45 minutes away yet). When that happens, all his crazy antics will have been for nothing, but oh well. I suppose there's no point in telling him that he wouldn't be in this predicament if he had shown up the recommended 90 minutes early instead of 45.

I keep having Japan flash backs due to my delirious state of semi-consiousness. The first time was while riding the airport subway... the automated voice-box was cycling through a few different languages as I was nodding off. Suddenly I hear Japanese, snap awake, and then see the LED signs are in Japanese as well. For a period of two seconds I am in a full-on panic wondering how I got to Japan. And in the middle of typing the previous paragraph, a Japanese tour passed through the waiting area and I was back again.

I don't know if this means I've been to Japan too many times... or not enough.

I still can't find any current news as to the state of the original London Hard Rock Cafe catching fire yesterday. BBC News hasn't updated since last night. There's a few photos on Flickr, but it's difficult to tell anything. Perhaps they'll tell us what happened on Monday?

Argh! Some idiot just sat next to me drenched in cologne... he reeks of the stuff. It burns. IT BURNS!!! I just know I'll be sitting next to his stinky ass on the plane. I'm lucky that way. Is it wrong for me to sit here and hope he has a heart attack before boarding? Probably. I am such a horrible, horrible person.

   

Rats

Posted on Tuesday, July 26th, 2005

Dave!Why did the rat cross the road?

I don't know, and apparently neither did he.

On the way home from work today, I had to slam on the brakes because a rat ran out in front of my car from the opposite side of the road. He got all the way across, took a look around, then turned around and ran right back to where he started. Perhaps he thought that things would be better over on the other side, and finally worked up the courage to run across... then found out that the other side of the street wasn't all he had hoped it would be.

I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere. Hopefully it involves looking both ways before crossing the street, because that rat very nearly became road kill.

Speaking of rats, I am fearing that the guest list may be slightly altered for Dave's Bad-Ass Blogography Show (whenever I get around to working on it again)...

Rove

I'll keep you posted.

Elsewhere in the blogosphere, SJ is forever coming up with cool list ideas for "Chronic Listaholic," but her current list idea is so cool that I'm going to steal it:

Ten Phrases I Hope To Say Someday...

  1. "Why yes, I'd love to go out with you Elizabeth Hurley!"
  2. "Why yes, I'd be happy to make love to you again Elizabeth Hurley!"
  3. "Why yes, I'd be thrilled to move in with you Elizabeth Hurley!"
  4. "Why yes, I'd be overjoyed to marry you Elizabeth Hurley!"
  5. "Why yes, I'd be delighted to let you iron my shirts Elizabeth Hurley!"
  6. "No, I hadn't heard that I'd won 500 million dollars in the lottery. So that's my check then?"
  7. "Really? BOTH Judge Judy AND Jared Fogel were decapitated by ninjas? You don't say!"
  8. "I never thought I'd see world peace in my lifetime, yet here it is."
  9. "I am tickled pink to announce that Jeremy Piven and Paula Marshall are reprising their roles for a contracted ten new seasons of Cupid! Oh, and Dead Link Me, Wonderfalls, and Oh Grow Up! are also coming back to television."
  10. "I humbly accept the title of 'Overlord of the Universe' as a lifetime appointment."

Hmmm... I had a rant ready for today, but I want a slice of chocolate cake now. Maybe tomorrow.

Movie Quotable of the Day: "When this kind of fire starts... it is very hard to put out. The tender boughs of innocence burn first, the wind rises, and then all goodness is in jeopardy."
Yesterday's Answer: X-Files: Fight the Future (1998) with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.

   

Catwalk

Posted on Sunday, January 15th, 2006

Dave!It's 8:30 and yet I have no desire to get out of bed.

I don't know why. I'm not tired... I'm not sick... I'm not feeling particularly lazy... I just don't feel like getting up. I'd just rather sit here reading blog feeds and catching up with what's going on in the world. I blame wireless networking for my Sunday malaise. If it weren't for wireless, I would have to get up. So here I am, psyching myself up to climb out of bed, when my friend Meagan calls...

Meagan: Your cartoon is freaking me out!
Dave: Huh?
Meagan: The mini-you chewing with your mouth open.
Dave: Yes?
Meagan: It's hypnotic. I can't stop staring at it.
Dave: Excellent.
Meagan: Don't do that anymore.

And so now I am thinking that hypnotic cartoons are the key to my ultimate world domination...

HypnoDave

Come to Me. Need Me. Obey Me. Follow me. Love Me.

Now all I need to do is write a virus to infect all the computers in the world with my DaveToon, and I'm one step closer to global sovereignty. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! KNEEL BEFORE DAVE!! Bwah ha ha ha haaaaaah!

Ahem.

Yes... well...

Anyway. I'm still in bed, so I might as well check my email.

Sweet! My undying gratitude to Neil for pointing me to an interview with the ever-delicious Elizabeth Hurley in The Observer. It's all riveting, of course, but the big news is that she is the host of Sky One's Project Catwalk (the UK version of our own Project Runway, which is hosted by Heidi Klum). This is a show where up-and-coming fashion designers compete in a reality television type show. It's somewhat entertaining, but having Elizabeth Hurley hosting has suddenly made it must-see television for me...

Liz Project Catwalk

So now I sit huddled over my PowerBook, desperately waiting for the Project Catwalk torrent to finish downloading in a mere three hour and thirty-five minutes! Oh well. Better late than never. I can only hope that BBC America picks up the show (which may confuse any Brits reading this, because Sky One and the BBC are separate over there, but here in the US "BBC America" is a catch-all for any UK shows). And, if you ARE in the UK, you can tune into fresh episodes of Project Catwalk Thursdays at 8:00pm.

Mmmmm... new Elizabeth Hurley goodness.

Okay, NOW I am ready to get out of bed.

Maybe.

   

Perfection

Posted on Monday, January 16th, 2006

Dave!After watching Project Catwalk six times... I can honestly say that it is the best show to ever appear on television.

Well done Sky One. Well done.

Granted, I only watched the parts which had Elizabeth Hurley in them and fast-forwarded through the rest... but that's all you really need to see anyway.

It was after my fifth time of running a frame-by-frame analysis that I managed to narrow down the 1,216 stills of Liz perfection down to the top ten seen below (just ignore the freaky-ass bitch standing next to her in photo #3)...

Liz Catwalk

Liz Catwalk

Liz Catwalk

Liz Catwalk

Sweet!

And the best part? EIGHT EPISODES LEFT TO GO!

Oh, and before I forget, there is a small difference in Project Catwalk from the American Project Runway version. It turns out that even if Elizabeth Hurley wasn't hosting, the British show would still be superior...

Catwalk Boobies

Boobies! What a pity that tight-ass American television censors faint at the sign of breasts. In the one episode I've seen of Project Runway here in the States, they felt the need to pixelate the naughty bits which is just... wrong.

Sigh. Elizabeth Hurley should host all the shows on television.

BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Meme
BLOGDATE: June 22, 2004
   
In which Dave answers a bunch of questions and figures out the perfect way to iron his shirts.
Click here to go back in time...

   

Mercy

Posted on Thursday, February 9th, 2006

Dave!After weeks of despair from not being able to find a downloadable torrent of the British version of Project Runway (which they call Project Catwalk), I checked again last night and found that episodes 2-4 were finally up. How much simpler would my life be if Sky One would just put them for sale on iTunes? I'd gladly pay the $1.99. You'd think that foreign television networks would jump at the chance to expand their distribution with something like this.

The silver lining here is that Showtime has finally jumped on the iTunes bandwagon and is offering episodes of Weeds for sale. That's pretty sweet, because I dropped the network after they canceled Dead Like Me, and haven't got to see it yet. Everybody I know loves the show, so I'm looking forward to it.

Anyway, time for a bit of a delicious Elizabeth Hurley break...

Elizabeth Hurley Project Catwalk

Elizabeth Hurley Project Catwalk

Elizabeth Hurley Project Catwalk

If I lived in the UK just now, I'd be able to tune in to the latest episode in just 4 minutes instead of waiting for the torrent later this week. Oh well. Just like Liz says... "fashion has no mercy."

   

Tattoo

Posted on Wednesday, February 15th, 2006

Dave!When you design stuff for a living, people automatically assume that you have one of the most funnest jobs ever. Probably because when you're a kid, drawing crappy pictures to put on the refrigerator is loads of big fun. But alas, like so many things, once something becomes work... well, the fun is kind of sucked out of it. The pressure to be creative under a deadline is probably one of the more stressful jobs you can have.

I'd put it right up there with neurosurgeon and bomb squad technician.

Basically, if you mess up in our line of work, somebody is going to die.

Anyway... because everybody thinks that drawing pretty pictures all day is like a non-stop party, they feel that they are doing you a big favor when they call up and say "hey, I need you to design something for me". And because I'm a sucker nice guy, I usually go ahead and do it if I can find the time. I design menus and invitations. I draw birthday banners and CD covers. I create posters and advertising. It's an endless parade of little projects which everybody tells me "will only take a few minutes" (ha ha ha ha).

The latest trend is people asking me to design their tattoos, like this one I drew up yesterday...

Demon Skull Tattoo

This is particularly painful for me, because I've always wanted a bad-ass tattoo of my own. Unfortunately, I could never manage to pull-off being "bad-ass". This is about as "bad-ass" as I can get...

Sexy Biker Dave!

Needless to say, having a cool flaming demon skull tattoo is not an option when you look like Gumby.

And so I have to continue to draw awesome tattoos for everybody but me.

Except I still want one.

So my option here is to try and come up with something that my boyish charm can pull-off. Something totally lacking in hostility. Something that is bad-ass, but in a "non-threatening" kind of way. I'm thinking that it will end up being something like one of these...

Davetoo

My other tattoo is a flaming demon skull. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It gives me the ability to imply that although the tattoo you are currently looking at is fairly reserved, somewhere else on my body is another one that's truly bad-ass. My only fear is that somebody will then be inclined to go looking for it.

Cartoon Skull. Though there is no way I can pull-off a realistic-looking skull and crossbones, I'm fairly certain that a cartoon version could work for me. It says "I'm bad-ass", but not so bad-ass that I have to worry about somebody mistaking me for an ass-kicking tough-guy, and want to fight me.

Bad Monkey. Because, well, you know... everybody just loves a monkey.

Garden Snake & Flaming Heart with Liz. This tattoo kind of covers all the bases. Since a scary serpent would be difficult for me to wear convincingly, I settled for a harmless garden snake. The flaming heart is a tattoo classic, but by making it look like something out of Hello Kitty, I don't risk anybody thinking that I want to rip their heart out and set it on fire. And lastly, I've got "Liz" in there so I can proclaim my love of Elizabeth Hurley and impress her with my dedication once fate brings us together.

Now if only I could decide where I want to put it after I pick the design...

   

Sigh

Posted on Wednesday, February 15th, 2006

Dave!The torrent for Project Catwalk episode 5 finally hit the internet (why oh why doesn't Sky One sell the shows at the iTunes Music Store so we don't have to wait?). The incomparable Elizabeth Hurley was, in a word, breathtaking. And brutally hot. As usual. I think this is probably her best episode yet. She had more screen-time and clothing that better showcased her, umm... ample talents.

Am I the only one who sits in breathless anticipation of Liz uttering those magic words "fashion has no mercy" when she tells the loser to get their ass off the catwalk?

Catwalk5 Elizabeth Hurley

Anyway, I didn't really pay attention to most of the non-Elizabeth Hurley parts of the show. Though some guy ran crying from the catwalk after one of the judges trashed his dress, and I thought it was pretty funny how his model went chasing after him. The drama!! For those of you lucky enough to live in the UK, Project Catwalk airs on Sky One Thursdays at 8:00pm.

For everybody else, more delicious screen caps follow in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Milky

Posted on Wednesday, February 15th, 2006

Dave!Well, I might as well go for broke and make this an Elizabeth Hurley trifecta of entries today. Perhaps this will get her out of my system. At least until the next episode of Project Catwalk airs.

Thanks to Angi and her kind comment, I found out that Liz has a "Got Milk?" ad (it's in the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue). It's a smart move, because it certainly makes me want to run out and buy a gallon of milk...

Elizabeth Hurley Got Milk

And over at Just Jared, he has scary photos of Liz with big hair whoring herself out for Patrick Cox accessories...

Liz Patrick Cox

Another smart move, because Liz is so beautiful that you barely notice that shitty-looking purse she's holding.

Alrighty then. Unless some new photos surface before now and tomorrow, I guess that's it for today.

Categories: Elizabeth HurleyClick To It: Permalink  7 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Craptacular

Posted on Tuesday, February 21st, 2006

Dave!I have no idea what I want to write about today. Usually when I have time to blog, I sit down and at least one topic comes to mind. Today there's nothing... just a bunch of random crap that nobody is going to care about. Ordinarily, I'd work on it a bit until something struck me, but today I am completely lacking in ambition. So totally random crap it is!!

Hey, you should feel lucky I'm bothering at all...

Daveopoly

GAMES: Last year, a friend of mine got pretty sick, and so I miniaturized a few board games and sent them to her to help pass the time with her visitors. I had forgotten all about it until yesterday when I accidentally ran across the files I used to make the games and all the pieces. My favorite of the lot was always "Daveopoly" in which I recreated absolutely everything in a Monopoly box to be "Dave-ified." All the streets have been renamed in my image ("Davetucky Avenue," "Davelantic Avenue," and "Davewalk" for example). But I didn't stop there, I put my face on all the money and re-drew every last "Community Chest" and "Chance" card (my favorite being the "Get out of pound-you-in-the-ass prison free" card). Drawing all that wasn't really difficult, but cutting it all out and putting it together was sure a pain. Next time she's getting a deck of cards.

Catwalk06 Liz1

LIZ: A totally crappy episode of Project Catwalk greeted me after spending a couple hours downloading the torrent to episode #6. There wasn't much Elizabeth Hurley this time, and instead we had to look at some freaky guy with tattoos who is apparently a famous British designer. HELPFUL HINT TO SKY ONE BROADCASTING: Nobody gives a flying f#@% if some idiot can make a shitty-looking dress out of a shower curtain... PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOUR SHOW TO SEE LIZ!

Catwalk06 Liz2

Catwalk06 Liz3

Next season, hire an editor that understands the true power of Elizabeth Hurley's breasts! Dumbasses.

TWO-POINT-NO: I still haven't made my way through all the email that piled up while I was gone over the weekend, but I did dig deep enough to find one from some douche wanting me to sign up for a "Web 2.0 Conference". HELPFUL HINT TO ANYBODY SENDING ME EMAIL: Any time I see the words "Web 2.0" in an email, I delete the stupid shit immediately. Do not pass spam filter. Do not collect conference fees. If ever there was a marketing hype term that was as useless as a bow on a turd, this is it. The web is evolving, and always has been. Assigning "Web 2.0" to some arbitrary technology so you can sucker people into thinking that Javascript and DOM is something new is just stupid. Are you the same moron who was declaring Flash as "Web 2.0" five years ago? Yeah, that's what I thought. Anybody pushing "Web 2.0" is trying to sell you something.

Betty White Zoo

BETTY: Running to the other edge of the "remarkable woman spectrum" comes the news that Betty White has been honored for her work on behalf of animal rights by the Los Angeles Zoo. She is now an official "Ambassador to the Animals" which sounds cool, even if I don't know what that means. I just hope it doesn't interfere with her acting, because her recent appearances on Boston Legal have been GOLD. Giving Betty a gun and having her rob convenience stores was genius.

T-SHIRTS: Well, the weather seems to be clearing up, so everybody who has a Blogography T-Shirt from the Artificial Duck Store will be happy to know that I've got another order going in tomorrow morning. With luck, I'll be shipping orders at the end of the month! Sorry for the wait.

Davelympics

OLYMPIC: Seriously, does anybody give a crap about the Olympics anymore? It seems to be less about an athletic competition, and more about a competition to make money. They're always adding new events in order to capture public interest, and half the crap doesn't make any sense. I swear, if this trend continues, they're going to have Wet T-Shirt Competition as an Olympic sport. Besides, it's too heartbreaking watching some guy from a poor nation who works two jobs in order to pay for his training compete against wealthier nations that spend millions on their athletes. "Going for the Gold" has an entirely different meaning now that we're actually talking about networks "Going for the advertising dollars Gold."

GROMIT: Well, that's all folks... my copy of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit arrived today!

   

Force

Posted on Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

Dave!This will be my last entry at Blogography. This morning I got an offer to write material at a commercial blog FOR MONEY and, since I am barely capable of writing one thing each day, I'm afraid that Blogography will be shut down for the foreseeable future.

Oh... wait a minute... I got that backwards. I REFUSED the offer because I am barely able to write one thing each day, and I am not ready to give up my blog just yet. Yes... yes, I'm sure that's how it went. But still, that's kind of flattering isn't it? Somebody found my crappy blog entertaining enough to want to pay me actual money to write stuff. Strange.

Anyway, the latest Project Catwalk finally hit, and Liz was her usual brutally hot self. A double-vision in magenta...

Project Catwalk 07 Liz

Project Catwalk 07 Liz

On the way to work in the rain this morning I needed to stop at the mini mart to pick up some cheese popcorn. Hey, I woke up craving cheese popcorn and far be it for me to deny myself anything. When I arrived, there was a guy in a dirty coat standing soaking-wet in the middle of the parking area. As I pulled up and got out of my car, the guy came right up to me and without hesitation said: "I really need a drink, do you have a couple of bucks?"

The reason I don't hand out money has already been documented (here, in a very special episode of Blogography), so I told him that while I cannot give cash, I'd be happy to buy him a breakfast burrito and a coffee if he was hungry. "Burrito? I don't want a burrito! I need a drink!" After explaining that this wasn't going to happen, I fully expected that he would take me up on my offer, but instead he said "aaaah, keep your damn burrito!" and walked off into the rain.

If only I had the discipline to become a wandering alcoholic. I mean, I always have such a great time while drunk, so it must be like a non-stop party (at least until you run out of booze money like that poor bastard). Meagan called once I had bought my cheese popcorn and, after I told her about my random encounter, had to remind me that being drunk in public is not the best career move for me...

Years ago while she was still living in Portland, I had gone down for work and we hooked up for a night on the town with her brother and his partner. Many alcoholic beverages were consumed before we finally decided to go to the movies. It was one of these weepy drama flicks that only women and gay men can enjoy, but I was totally drunk and didn't care what they wanted to watch. Turns out that was a mistake, because I was bored... bored... bored.

So bored that I did something bad.

There was this dramatic scene in the film where some daft bitch wasn't watching her daughter and the little girl wandered off and got trapped somehow. The woman struggled valiantly to reach the girl, but she couldn't. There were all these dramatic close-up shots of their hands almost touching, but not quite.

The woman in the movie cried.

The little girl in the movie cried.

The audience cried.

I just screamed "USE THE FORCE, BITCH!!"

In my defense, it did work for Luke when that abominable snow monster hung him up-side-down in the ice cave and he could almost touch his light saber.

There were a couple of big laughs in the audience (presumably those few straight guys who had been forced to watch this pile of crap by their girlfriends), but overall my helpful comment was not well-received by my fellow movie-goers. I really don't blame them. I hate it when some dumbass ruins the film for everybody... it just so happens that this time the dumbass was me.

When a woman left the theater, I knew she was going to get the manager, so I told my posse I was going back to the bar before I got tossed out and they could just come get me after the movie was over. Much to my surprise, they actually did come and get me.

So perhaps Meagan is right. If social drinking is this difficult for me, maybe this isn't a good career move?

Oooh, look! It's another picture of Elizabeth Hurley!!

Project Catwalk 07 Liz

Oh yeah, speaking of The Force... my fellow Lego Star Wars video game lovers will be happy to know that IGN is running a production diary for the sequel over at their site. How cool is that? I guess it's time I renew my IGN Insider membership. All I know is that I cannot WAIT for this game to be released...

Lego Star Wars

Awww... isn't little Lego Darth Vader cute as he chokes that little Lego Rebel Alliance soldier?

   

Vodka

Posted on Thursday, March 9th, 2006

Dave!As I mentioned a while back, I'm going through kind of a Kool-Aid renaissance.

Lately I've been getting much bolder in my Kool-Aid choices, and have started to stray away from the classics (Grape, Orange, Lime, Tropical Punch) in order to try some of the freakier flavors they've got going on. First there were the "Kool-Aid Twists" which are blended flavors ("Swirlin' Strawberry Starfruit", for example). Then I experimented with "Kool-Aid Ice Cool" which adds a bit of tingle to the taste ("Arctic Green Apple" anyone?). And now I'm moving on to the "Kool-Aid Aguas Frescas" which are favorite flavors from Latin America...

Kool-Aid Flava

Last night was time for "Pineapple" which tastes about as unlike pineapple juice as you can get. I didn't care for it at all.

Until I added vodka to it.

Suddenly the pineapple-ish stuff became an exotic nectar of the gods. Which begs the question... is there any juice (or juice-like substance) that vodka doesn't taste good in? I like it in grape juice, orange juice, cranberry juice, pineapple juice, and any kind of fruit punch. I haven't tried it in apple juice yet, but something tells me that it will be equally tasty.

Much like a fresh episode of Project Catwalk with the delicious Elizabeth Hurley...

Project Catwalk 8 Liz

Project Catwalk 8 Liz

And speaking of alcohol, I need a new drink. I'm getting bored with the same old cocktails every time.

Here's the kind of stuff I like:

  • Jäger Bomber (Jäger & Red Bull Energy Drink).
  • Long Island Iced Tea (Vodka, Tequila, Rum, Gin, Triple-Sec, Sweet-n-Sour, Coke).
  • Hard Rootbeer (Capt. Morgan's Spiced Rum & Rootbeer).
  • Pinedriver (Vodka & Pineapple Juice).
  • Liquid Cocaine (Jäger, Bacardi 151, Goldschlager Cinnamon Schnapps).
  • Snakebite (Yukon Jack & Lime Juice).
  • Liquid Asphalt (Jäger & Sambuca).
  • Bronze Monkey (Vodka, Capt. Morgan's Spiced Rum, Orange Juice).
  • Jameson Irish Whiskey over Ice.
  • Any decent ice-cold beer (from the bottle).

Maybe I should create my own alcoholic beverage. I could call it the "Bad Monkey"...

Bad Monkey Cocktail

Too bad my lunch hour is almost up, because I would totally try drinking that.

   

Sexy

Posted on Monday, March 13th, 2006

Dave!I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to get the latest Project Catwalk today, because most weeks it's at least Wednesday before it shows up (ATTENTION SKY ONE... you need to sell your shows on the iTunes Music Store so we poor Americans can see them in a timely manner!!)

Anyway, I start watching and was very pleased that Liz was looking particularly hot in this episode. I like it when she wears simple outfits that flatter her kickin' body rather than the more crazy stuff that covers it up. I mean, less is always more when you look like this...

Project Catwalk 9 Elizabeth Hurley

Better yet, the camera man and film editor final realized who it is they're dealing with, and have started to use appropriate shots to fully exploit the grandeur that is Elizabeth Hurley...

Project Catwalk 9 Elizabeth Hurley

But then the best news ever is announced...

OMFG!! THIS WEEK'S COMPETITION IS TO DESIGN A NEW DRESS FOR ELIZABETH HURLEY!! How utterly brilliant! Why don't they do this every week? The good news is that this means we get to see a bit more of her this time... including some rather fabulous shots of Liz describing what kind of clothes she likes to wear...

Project Catwalk 9 Elizabeth Hurley

I was desperately hoping that Liz would be modeling all the the dresses on the catwalk but, alas, this was not to be. It was just like a regular show with Liz in the judges seat looking hot and making notes.

And that's when IT happened.

That's when the most unfathomable, totally incomprehensible thing ever to air on television was shown in one heart-stopping, unbelievable moment.

Some dumbass said that he thought a dress was too sexy for Elizabeth Hurley to wear.

Yes, you read that right. This stupid queen actually had the balls (or lack thereof) to say that an article of clothing was not appropriate for THE Elizabeth Hurley... not because it was ugly or poorly made... but because it was TOO SEXY for her...

Project Catwalk Julian

WHAT THE BLOODY F#@%?!?

Did he somehow FORGET what Liz looks like? She was sitting right next to him... all he had to do before opening his stupid mouth was turn his head and LOOK at her so he could realize "oh shit... I almost made a terrible mistake by saying something outrageously idiotic! How could I suggest that there could possibly be a dress that is too sexy for this brutally hot piece of eye-candy! How silly of me! What a silly little pickle I am!!"

But NOOOoooooo.

This monkey-spanker actually said IT. I was hoping that Liz would walk over and beat the shit out of him (seriously, I would have paid money for that action) but if she did whip up on him, they edited that bit out. Or maybe she waited until after the show was over, then set his car on fire... with him in it??

Then again, at the end of the day he'll still be a pathetic little bitch that nobody cares about... and she'll still be Elizabeth Hurley.

I guess there's no worse punishment than that.

But there should be.

   

Golden

Posted on Tuesday, March 21st, 2006

Dave!Steak SAUCE!!

Last night while tearing through some work I had to finish, I was watching my bitchin' DVD set for Justice Leage: Season One, which rocks SO hard. Honestly, I am more excited about watching a new episode of Justice League than I am about seeing the new X-Men film. The lame-ass "movie X-Men" fight stupid boring crap instead of the bad-ass enemies they get in the comic books, so who cares?

But the Justice League cartoons are just as exciting as the comics, if not more so. It's a comic book lover's dream come true...

Justice League DVD

Justice League DVD

And speaking of super-heroes, I was my own super-hero this morning when I totally made Kitty Spangles my bitch on my very first game of double-deck Klondike...

Kitty Spangles

Kitty Spangles Solitaire was recently upgraded to 2.0, and now includes some other versions of the game (like Freecell, Spider, and Yukon). Even better, it's free to registered owners which was pretty swell.

And speaking of swell, I finally managed to watch the season finale of Project Catwalk. The best part of the show was when the final three contestants were told that their mentor "Ben" would be paying a visit to their home, but when they opened the door, it was actually a SURPRISE GUEST... Elizabeth Hurley had dropped by...

Elizabeth Hurley Visit

I would have shat myself right then and there, but the finalists somehow managed to hold it (somewhat) together...

Project Catwalk Shock

Liz was brutally hot, as always. Even if she did go a little bit crazy in the end there...

Crazy Elizabeth Hurley

Sigh. And so ends my weekly Elizabeth Hurley fix. It sure would be sweet if they bring her back for another season...

Project Catwalk Elizabeth Hurley

And speaking of sweet, has anybody tried "Golden Oreos Originals"??

Goldenoreos

They kick all kinds of ass, and I am on my way towards devouring my third bag in two weeks. That cannot be good for me, but I am going through a kind of "cookie renaissance" just now and can't help myself. Somebody needs to suggest another awesome cookie so I can use it to break my 3-bag Golden Oreo habit.

   

Forty

Posted on Friday, March 24th, 2006

Dave!Today I am forty years old.

That's a lot of years. Where did it all go?

Still, I can't complain. I've done a lot of things in my life, am fortunate to have seen a bit of the world, am relatively healthy, and have terrific friends and family to get me through the day. I guess that makes me a lucky guy (if I believed in luck, which I don't).

But forty... wow. A pity that I still act like a 12-year-old, but everybody has their issues.

Anyway, I guess I'm ready to die now.

Not that I want to die, I'm just saying... if it happens, I'm okay with it.

And if I get to choose how I'm going to die, I think it would go something like this...

Birthday 2006

Birthday 2006

Birthday 2006

Birthday 2006

Zombie Dave

Zombie Dave

   

The good news is that being dead gives me a terrific new DaveToon to draw...

Zombie Dave

And just for the record, Bad Monkey did not die from a marathon love-making session with Elizabeth Hurley. He died from an overdose of Coke with Lime.

Uhhhh... yeah.

Happy birthday to me.

   

Poise

Posted on Friday, June 9th, 2006

Dave!I woke up in the middle of the night and ended up working for four hours. Realizing that I would need some sleep before starting my "real" work day, I decided to take a nap for a couple hours. Waking up refreshed, I was looking forward to this being a good day. I mean, it's Friday, how bad could it get?

You'd think that I would learn to stop asking those kind of questions.

Grabbing my PowerBook off the night-stand, I check my email and the very first one I open is this note from Cynical Dad...

I know you're probably in mourning right now, but in case you haven't heard, let me break the news to you gently. Liz Hurley has been fired from Project Catwalk.
   
But wait! It gets worse. Her replacement? Kelly Osbourne.    
http://www.itv.com/news/entertainment_1316182.html
   
Sorry,
Chag

WHAT THE BLOODY F#@%?!?

Time for the five steps of mourning...

  1. Denial. NO! It's not true! CYNICAL DAD IS A LYING BASTARD!!
  2. Anger. Sky One Television must be destroyed! I will kill Kelly Osborn with my bare hands!!
  3. Depression. Waaaaahhh! Where am I going to get my Liz fix now?!? I want to die.
  4. Bargaining. Perhaps if I were to kidnap Sky One owner Rupert Murdoch, Sky One can be convinced to put Liz back on the air!
  5. Acceptance. Typical. American network execs are total dumbasses, why should their British equivalents be any less stupid?

When you stop and think about it, it all makes perfect sense. Kelly Osborne is totally a worthy replacement for the hottest woman alive...

Liz and Kelly

Because when I think of beauty and class, Kelly Osborne comes immediately to mind...

Liz and Kelly

I mean, I know that Elizabeth Hurley has been a model for nearly 20 years now, so how can she possibly hold a candle to a young, fresh talent like Kelly Osbourne today?

Liz and Kelly

And when one thinks of elegance and poise, is Kelly not the first thing to come to mind?

Liz and Kelly

Forget the fact that Liz has her own successful swim-wear fashion company and Kelly's "Stiletto Killers" fashion line closed its doors two months ago, I'm sure Kelly knows much more about fashion...

Liz and Kelly

And aren't people just sick and tired of looking at Elizabeth Hurley's flawless breasts? I know I sure am!

Liz and Kelly

Trust me, I totally GET IT now...

Liz and Kelly

Besides, Kelly is a famous singer now! Who cares how you look so long as you can sing!

Liz and Kelly

Yep, Kelly is the perfect choice. Nobody says "fashion" quite like a foul-mouthed little bitch who talks as though she's been smacked in the head with a baseball bat...

Liz and Kelly

The thing that totally baffles me here is how incredible Elizabeth Hurley was on the first season of Project Catwalk. She totally blows away Heidi Klum here on the American original series Project Runway. I can only guess that Kelly was cheaper (in every possible way) and so the execs at Sky One decided to cut costs and hire her. Forget the fact that this trashes the reputation of the show completely, so long as you can save a buck, what does it matter? I always thought that British television had higher standards than anything we get here, and having Liz host was proof of that.

Tragic that this is no longer the case. "Too wooden" indeed.

   

Funny

Posted on Tuesday, June 13th, 2006

Dave!Because I've been busy with work and processing T-shirt orders, I'm running behind in my email replies and haven't had much time to respond to my comments (though, rest assured, I treasure each and every one I get, and DO read all of them when I approve them). But the other day I got an email which kind of bothered me, and I thought I'd put it out there before I lose any sleep over it.

Basically, this guy told me that my blog isn't very funny, and if I want to write a humor blog that I should try writing more amusing entries.

This really puzzled me because at no point have I ever claimed that Blogography is a "humor blog". I write what I write. Sometimes funny things happen to me, so people might think of this site as being humorous from time to time... but I don't sit down and think "I'm going to be funny" when I write.

So I wrote back to the guy and asked him what the deal was. Turns out I am up for some kind of "humorous blog" award, and so he showed up here on a day when I was ranting about Windows Vista and couldn't find the funny he was looking for.

I've been up for awards before (and have even won some) I just never talk about it here, because I don't blog to enter contests or win awards. This doesn't make me ungrateful... I am really honored that anybody finds Blogography entertaining enough for something like that... it's just not something I want to spend my time thinking about.

But, since people are going to come here expecting something funny now, I thought I had better not disappoint them. Unfortunately, nothing humorous has happened to me lately.

Except this dream I keep having which is kind of funny...

You know that dream when you are walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City eating a banana and suddenly you realize that you're totally naked and you've grown to giant size? And then you notice that the entire city is populated by monkeys who are all screaming and running away from you? And for some reason the sky has turned all green with pink clouds and you are walking on water, but it's not really water because it's solid? Yeah, that's the one...

Dave's Dream

Anyway, when I have that dream, it doesn't end the normal way where the monkeys start dancing around singing Madonna's "Holiday"... oh no... for me it's totally different.

For me, the monkeys all of a sudden decide to attack with purple lightsabers like the one Samuel L. Jackson uses in those awful Star Wars prequel movies. But just as they are about to slice you up and steal your banana, A giant Elizabeth Hurley head appears in a beautiful white light! And then little sparkles shoot out from her glorious aura and magically give you laser vision (which is kind of like Superman's heat vision). So now you can zap the filthy little monkeys before they eat your banana...

Dave's Dream

Then, just as the last monkey disappears, you suddenly find yourself floating up into outer-space! But then the planets and stars turn into giant gum-balls that bounce around you. And since you really like gum, you try to reach out and take a bite, but you can never seem to touch them... they're always just out of reach....

Dave's Dream

And just as you become frustrated at your lack of gum-based chewing satisfaction, you wake up still holding the banana from your dream. But instead of being alone there is a crack-whore laying next to you that looks suspiciously like Ann Coulter. And then, just before you can start screaming because Ann Coulter is in your bed, you look again and it's not Ann Coulter after all... but a horse's head! Just like in The Godfather! But it isn't a severed head from a dead racehorse, it's a LIVE horse...

Dave's Dream

And wait for it... HERE'S THE FUNNY BIT... the horse turns to you and says "can I have a bite of your banana?"

And then you realize that you DIDN'T wake up, but you were STILL DREAMING!!

HA HA HA HAAAAAA! THE HORSE WANTS A BITE OF YOUR BANANA!! Isn't that totally the funniest thing you've ever heard?!? I slay me!!

Whoa! I should try to be funny in my blog more often!

   

Hotness

Posted on Friday, June 30th, 2006

Dave!I have a bit of a confession.

While I was working these past weeks, I had a friend approving my comments. Oh sure, I took time out of my busy schedule to read each and every one (because I love me the comments that much), but I just didn't have time to weed through the spam and haters every time a comment needed to be approved. Rather than let them stack up for a month, I had somebody lend a hand. It was as close to my dream "COMMENT-A-TRON 3000" as I'm likely to ever get.

Well, now that I'm back, I'm looking through the comments that were held for some reason or another. Surprisingly, only two were outright nasty (deleted it!). The remaining three were positively reprehensible...

Somebody with a vendetta against Elizabeth Hurley decided to inform me of their insanity on three separate entries.

It's not the first time, and I just don't get it. Do these people honestly feel that I give a crap about trolls who have to say inflammatory trash to get attention? Do they believe in any possible way that I'm going to approve comments with such vile, hateful, filth even if it weren't about the utter perfection that is Elizabeth Hurley? Let's review REALITY here...

Dave Hotness

For the benefit of the learning impaired, I've constructed the above chart to illustrate How Things Are... with the sublime hotness of Elizabeth Hurley at the top, and decreasing levels of hotness following below.

Now, given my understanding of REALITY, the level of stupidity it would take for somebody to think that any ludicrous comment could possibly change my mind about Liz is truly distrubing.

And kind of sad.

These people have nothing better to do with their life?

And speaking of "disturbing hotness" I ran across this image while doing a Google search for something I now forget...

Latex Nun

It's a latex nun. With a cat-o-nine-tails. When I look at it I don't know whether to become aroused, hide under my bed, or start crying. All I do know is that latex is some freaky-cool stuff. For some big fun, you can see other wacky creations at The Latex Lounge. I had thought of ordering me some latex biker shorts to wear while running errands around town, but $130 is a bit steep for a half-pair of pants. A thong is only $37.50, but I would probably get arrested for wearing that in the conservative wilds of Central Washington.

But the minute I have $485 burning a hole in my pocket... that Captain's Jacket is smokin'!

Of course, then I'd have to get the $450 pants to go with it.

And a sash. It's just not complete without a sash.

   

Fiction

Posted on Monday, July 24th, 2006

Dave!This weekend I received no less than EIGHT emails from Blogography readers telling me of the "happy" news that Elizabeth Hurley was finally going to marry her long-time millionaire boyfriend, Arun Nayer. It was kind of nice, because everybody tried to break the news as gently as possible, and pass along their condolences.

And, though there is -zero- chance that I would ever end up dating Elizabeth Hurley, it still kind of stung a little bit. The world's most beautiful woman was going to be off the market...

Liznaked

First she's removed of Project Catwalk, and now THIS?!? Not a good month for Elizabeth Hurley stalkers such as myself. But then, just as suddenly as it happened, things started to change when I check my Elizabeth Hurley news feeds...

Liz Hurley has dismissed rumours that she is planning to wed millionaire boyfriend Arun Nayer.
   
The actress was reportedly spending time looking at possible venues for the ceremony in the English countryside, but Hurley is quick to deny she has any marriage plans.
   
She said: "It's not true, it's all fiction, fiction. I'm in the country at the moment and I have about 50 helicopters circling overhead, but all I've done it feed the chickens and water the flowers."

And then I get the news that Elizabeth Hurley has been chosen to be the new face for Jordache...

NEW YORK, July 21 /PRNewswire/ -- Jordache will unveil a national advertising campaign featuring model and actress Elizabeth Hurley. Shot by famed photographer Michael Thompson in his NY studio, the campaign features Hurley clad in classic Jordache Jeans, edgy with a whip and the iconic Jordache horse. The first ad will run in national publications beginning in September and will run through the holiday season.

Liz with a whip? Well doesn't that sound delicious! Jordache's web site is all blurred out, but if you dig around the internet, you can find a tiny little picture of what's coming...

Lizjordache

Oh yeah. That's the ticket. Add that to the second round of "Got Milk" ads that are starting to hit...

Lizmilk2

And, of course, there's Elizabeth Hurley's Swedish ads for MQ where we get to hear her utter the words "Swedish Penis Pump"...

Lizsweden

And all the world is right again.

Categories: Elizabeth HurleyClick To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Clasp

Posted on Sunday, September 24th, 2006

Dave!Most of the Elizabeth Hurley Google News Alerts that fly across my desktop now-a-days have to do with the fact that Liz is planning to wear 13 dresses on the occasion of her 4-day wedding which is taking place in England and India.

Depressing? Yes. But a bit of happier news occasionally pops up.

Such as Ms. Hurley's appearance at Elle magazine's 21st birthday party...

Lizblackdress

The amount of force that's bearing on that tiny little clasp must be enormous. I can't even imagine the mathematics you would use to calculate the stress levels. Perhaps there's a subset of quantum physics devoted to Elizabeth Hurley's breasts I should be studying?

My back is feeling much better now, as I am able to make it through the day without getting drugged up.

I suppose that means I should stop taking the painkillers.

Categories: Elizabeth HurleyClick To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Fembot!

Posted on Tuesday, September 26th, 2006

Dave!I just found out that I can have Elizabeth Hurley, and it will only cost me $1500.00!

Well, not really... but it's the closest I'm probably ever going to get.

Somebody is selling what they claim to be the original "Vanessa Kensington Fembot" model from Austin Powers 2 on eBay. Except the hair looks redder and he's calling her "Jessica Kensington" for some reason. As most of you probably know (and shame on you if you don't) Vanessa was played by the incomparable Ms. Hurley in the first Austin Powers film and had a cameo at the beginning of the sequel where we find out she's really a Fembot!

Vanessa Liz Fembot

Pretty amazing. And she has an off-switch! I wonder who the lucky bastard is that has the job of building battery-powered women for a living?

And now, I'm off! After a three-and-one-half-hour drive, I'll be back home for a blissful four weeks (knock wood).

Categories: Elizabeth HurleyClick To It: Permalink  14 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Bullet Sunday 7

Posted on Sunday, November 19th, 2006

Dave!Gaaah! It's the revenge of the bullet points!

• ZOON DOOM! Uh yeah... saw Zune, played with Zune, pitched Zune to the curb. The iPod has nothing to worry about here. The only thing that I'm envious of is the larger screen, everything else... from the clunky looks to the crappy software... sucks ass. Once Apple finally gets off their ass and gives us an iPod with a decent size display for video, Zune will be nothing more than a bump in the road. Yet another failed catch-up effort that doesn't measure up. You'd think with billions of dollars in the bank, Microsoft could innovate rather than keep imitating. Badly.

• COUCH BANANA! Scene No. 4 has been animated. Bring on the dream sequence...

Couch Banana

• MEEEEEEEEAT! Many of the vegetarians I know (and all of the vegans) are sickened by the smell of cooking meat. I don't have that problem... I'm totally indifferent to the smell, though I'd rather do without if given the choice. On the way home from work tonight, somebody was barbecuing steaks and the aroma filled the air. Much to my surprise, it smelled so good that I very nearly had a carnivore relapse. It was all I could do to keep from running off howling into the night, hunting down that grill so I could tear into yummy cow flesh. Instead I had a can of Coke with Lime and some Pop Tarts. Yeah, that hit the spot.

• GOLDEN GLOBES! Elizabeth Hurley was looking her usual perfectly hot self in Berlin this week...

Fabulous Liz Hurley

• WII-DUNDANCY! How sad is it that people stand in line to buy Nintendo Wii consoles and Sony PlayStation 3 consoles so they can sell them on eBay instead of letting the people who actually want to play them buy them? Though it's hard to blame anybody for doing it... a PS3 can net you $1000 minimum profit, whereas a Wii gets you double your investment. I wish that manufacturers wouldn't launch until they have plenty of supply built up so this crap could be avoided. Now I'm going to have to wait until I hear some kid bragging about getting a Wii so I can break into his house and steal it.

• BROTHERS & SISTERS! Tonight is a fresh episode of a show I never thought I would watch called Brothers & Sisters. When I first heard of it, I was intrigued because of the amazing line-up of talent behind it. I'm a sucker for good acting, even if it's in a weepy family melodrama...

Brotherssisters

The show revolves around a woman (Sally Field), her dead husband (Tom Skerritt), her brother (Ron Rifkin from Alias), and her five children... Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal), Balthazar Getty (also from Alias), Rachel Griffiths (Six Feet Under), and two guys I never heard of. When I first saw the cast, I thought "who are the two poor bastards who are going to try and hold their own against that kind of star power?" Turns out exactly the opposite is true. The two unknowns (Matthew Rhys and Dave Annable) actually have the best characters. But it's Annable's totally f#@%ed up "Justin Walker" that is the most challenging role on the entire show. Last episode he reached the breaking point, and I've been waiting all week to find out what's going to happen next. I hope it was worth the wait.

   
Now can somebody please tell me where I can buy a Mayor Adam West Cat Launcher? Seth McFarlane is genius.

   

Inflamed

Posted on Friday, January 12th, 2007

Dave!Does anybody know a good place that the general public can buy flamethrowers at discount? Wikipedia says that private ownership of flamethrowers is not restricted in the US, yet I couldn't find them for sale at Target. I'm pretty sure that you can't get them at K-Mart or Wal-Mart either. This is puzzling to me, because it seems that so many of my daily problems could be easily solved if I started carrying a flamethrower with me.

In fact, if I did own a flamethrower, I would have used it at least a half-dozen times before lunch today. Just think of all the cool things you could do with it! No more raking leaves in the yard... flamethrower! Shoveling snow is a thing of the past... flamethrower! Have to clean the bathtub... flamethrower! Microwave broke and you need some popcorn... flamethrower! And that's just the beginning...

The ultimate cure for viruses on your Windows PC... flamethrower!

Flamethrower Windows

The perfect revenge for dumbasses who cut you off in traffic... flamethrower!

Flamethrower Car

The cost-effective solution when giant killer clowns invade the planet... flamethrower!

Flamethrower Clowns

What a handy thing to have around the house!

A pity I can't add one to my Amazon Wish List.

   

And in non-flamable news... sadly, I haven't had much time to play with my Wii. I try to sneak in a level of "Elebits" when I have the chance, but even that seems rare. I haven't even looked at "Zelda" yet. One thing I did do was create a new Mii. Mr. Jerz sent me "Miidonna" and so I made "Miilizabeth HurlWii" to send back. Somehow the idea of playing a game of tennis as Liz HurlWii is appealing to me. Probably because it's as close to playing with Liz as I am ever going to get.

Apparently I do have time for memes though... there's one from Karla in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Unholy

Posted on Saturday, March 3rd, 2007

Dave!Thanks to everybody who sent me e-cards and kind notes over Elizabeth Hurley's wedding today. Thirty-six of you were nice enough to send your condolences, which was a bit unexpected (that's more people than usually comment on an entry!).

In an act of sublime selflessness, I wish nothing but the best for the happy couple. If Elizabeth Hurley is happy, then I'm happy... I love her that much. I mean, it's not like I am wishing for a building to fall on her new husband or anything. I'm sure he's a terrific guy, and I'm glad she found him. I suppose I could sit around hoping that Arun Nayar gets attacked by a pack of wild hyenas, but what would be the point? Elixabeth Hurley has made her choice (misguided as it may be) and I will just have to live with it. Best of luck to the happy couple!

Okay, maybe I don't wish "the best" for them... that's a little much. But I do wish that good things come their way. Just because Elizabeth Hurley decided to marry a guy who is not me doesn't mean that she should be cursed with unhappiness the rest of her life. Does it? Maybe he's not perfect or anything, but he seems nice. So good luck you two!

Alright, you got me. Being completely honest here, wishing "good things" for Liz and Arun is probably a stretch. How about I just send happy thoughts with no well-wishing at all? Sure Elizabeth Hurley just made the biggest mistake of her life, but it's not really her fault. If she had ever met me, she would realize that I was the perfect guy for her... but since she had the misfortune to never even know I exist, well, it's hardly appropriate for me to be wishing Arun fall down a well or something. That would just be wrong. He doesn't seem like the nicest of guys, but I'm sure he's not too bad.

Okay... okay... okay... sending "happy thoughts" is probably going too far. Because doesn't Arun Nayar look like a total bastard? I've never met him or anything, but doesn't he just seem completely wrong for her? He's probably a puppy-kicker. Yep, I'll bet when he sees a puppy he kicks it as hard as he can just because he likes it. And the perfection that is Elizabeth Hurley just married him in an unholy union that will wreck havoc throughout the known universe. Why should I wish anything "happy" for their marriage when there's nothing happy about it? We're all doomed.

OMG! What has she done? RUN LIZ! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! YOU JUST MARRIED A PUPPY-KICKING ASSHOLE!! Oh the humanity! I suppose I'll just have to hope that Liz manages to break free of Arun Nayar's evil spell before something horrible happens... like her sleeping with him. Oh! Oh! Oh! That would be just terrible! Like the worst day ever! Is it too much to hope that Elton John has a gun in his purse and will destroy the Ultimate Evil that calls himself "Arun" before the incomparable Elizabeth Hurley is lost to the world forever?

Elizabeth Hurley's Unholy Union

Gee... I hope that nothing happens to the plane that is taking Elizabeth Hurley and her new husband to India. It would be just terrible if it crashed and Arun were to perish while Elizabeth Hurley were to miraculously escape completely unharmed. Yeah, let's all hope that doesn't happen.

Ahem.

Speaking of pure evil on earth...

I finally got to sleep around 2:30am. Most of my work was finished, and I simply couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. So guess who decided to come calling three hours later and wake me up? That's right. THE EVIL GEESE FROM HELL ARE BACK AGAIN!

Killer Geese Rampage

Just look at the cheeky bastards all honking and riled up! Clearly minions of the devil.

And to make the entire situation even more scary, their numbers keep increasing. At first there were a dozen... then around 26... then about 40... NOW THERE ARE 67! SIXTY-SEVEN!! And I realize people think I am exaggerating here, but I'm not. There were so many of them that I had to take a panorama of seven pictures and then stitch them together so that all of the little bastards would fit into the shot...

Killer Goose Panorama
Click on the image to enlarge. WARNING! May frighten small children!
(you will have to scroll to see the whole thing)

Between Elizabeth Hurley getting married and the startling increase in the goose population, can the Apocalypse be far behind? I'm telling you, geese are going to take over the world.

I, for one, welcome our new geese overlords.

Back to work...

   

Numbers

Posted on Tuesday, March 13th, 2007

Dave!Continuing on with TequilaCon Week here at Blogography...

While having breakfast the morning of TequilaCon, I spoke about a concept I call "Dave Numbers."

It's kind of a personal ranking scheme that determines your place in this world based on your proximity to the center of the universe (which would be me). In simple terms, I classify my relationship with other people by assigning them numbers. Called Dave Numbers, this classification system is built upon how close others are to me based on certain criteria. The further you are away from me (either physically or by definition), the higher your number...

Davenumbering

Here is a sample list of some things that can get you a Dave Number...

  1. You've had intimate contact with Dave.
  2. You've touched Dave.
  3. You've met/spoken to Dave in person.
  4. You've had a phone or IM conversation with Dave.
  5. You've had mail/email communication with Dave.
  6. You've received a blog comment from Dave.
  7. Dave knows who you are.
  8. You've commented at Blogography.
  9. You've read Blogography.
  10. You know who Dave is.

If your Dave Number is 0, you ARE Dave (lucky bastard!). Dave Numbers can be negative (e.g. a Dave Number of -1 implies you've had sex or some other very naughty contact with Dave, a -5 means you've performed open-heart surgery on Dave). Some other known number assignments follow. Note how drastically things decline once you get past the point where you don't even know who Dave is...

  1. You hate pudding.
  2. You think Bill O'Reilly actually knows what the f#@% he is talking about.
  3. You are Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore.
  4. You are "actor" David Caruso.
  5. You drive in the passing lane without passing anybody.
  6. You are pseudo-religious nut-bag Pat Robinson.
  7. You are skanky media dumbass bitch Anne Coulter.

Base Dave Numbers range from 1-500, whereas 500 is reserved for inanimate objects not capable of being aware of Dave at all (or anything else, for that matter... kind of like a cheese sandwich or Dr. Phil).

Sometimes Dave Numbers are assigned arbitrarily. For example, I have not had sex with Elizabeth Hurley, but she still rates a Dave Number of -1 because I feel her deep inside my soul. Sometimes Dave Numbers are arrived at by averaging. For example, if you have touched me (2) but you drive in the passing lane without passing anybody (220) your Dave Number would be 111 (2+220 divided by 2). This may seem harsh, but your not knowing how to drive properly makes me feel that much more distanced from you. In some rare cases, Dave Numbers are reached through cumulation. For example, if you hate pudding (22), are Jarod the Subway Sandwich Whore (163), and you drive in the passing lane without passing anybody (220), your total Dave Number is 405 (22+163+220). With a number like 405, you might as well not exist.

That's why events like TequilaCon are so special when I am in attendance. Just walking through this door is guaranteed to significantly decrease your Dave Number...

TequilaCon Registration
This photo shamelessly stolen from Postmodern Sass.

Since a low Dave Number is highly coveted, I live in constant fear of random people running up and talking to me or sticking their finger in my ear in hopes that their number will go down. One time a guy who wanted the bank to give him a better mortgage interest rate had knocked me down, farted in my face, then ran off declaring that he now had a Dave Number of -2 because I had "breathed in his essence." Unfortunately for him, he didn't realize that his Dave Number actually increased because that -2 had to be averaged with 496 (You cause physical, mental, or spiritual damage to Dave), which resulted in a 247. Not only did the guy not get a better interest rate, but the bank then refused to give him a loan at all, he was fired from his job, his wife left him, and he ended up being forced to live the rest of his life alone in shame. It's sad, but that's the price you pay for having such a high Dave Number.

This is why you should be clearing your calendar for TequilaCon 2008... since I am planning on attending, your happiness in life may very well depend on it.

   

Homerazzi

Posted on Monday, March 26th, 2007

Dave!As I was pouring through the hundreds of emails piled in my inbox, Hilly emailed me to ask if I had watched The Simpsons last night, which I had not. After she mentions that Betty White had a cameo, I became obsessed with seeing it. A quick trip to the iTunes Store reveals that episodes aren't sold there, so BitTorrent it is. I remain dumbfounded as to why television studios are this fraking stupid. Here I am gladly willing to pay money for something that they have, and yet there's no way to buy it. I will, of course, buy the Season 18 DVD set when it becomes available (I buy all The Simpsons DVDs) but this is ridiculous. I cannot help but wonder if the execs at FOX Studios get together with Matt Groening at the end of each week and burn a big pile of money, since they obviously have no interest in maximizing their acquisition of it.

In any event, Betty has done it once again. Her brief appearance on the show after Homer has become one of the paparazzi was priceless...

Homer and Betty

Speaking of priceless, my beloved Elizabeth Hurley is making waves because of her stunning appearance at Elton John's birthday party...

Elizabeth Hurley at Elton's Birthday

And photos of her Indian wedding ceremony have finally surfaced...

Liz Indian Wedding

Elizabeth Hurley... delicious on any continent!

Speaking of delicious, is it wrong that I actually want to see the latest Will Ferrell comedy, Blades of Glory?

Bladesofglory

Every time I see the previews, I laugh. And tonight I watched the Comedy Central "inside look" on the movie and want to see it even more. This is quite disturbing to me, because I'm pretty sure that I would normally avoid this kind of crap like the plague.

And speaking of plagues...

   

Future

Posted on Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

Dave!This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

I've just written five entries (plus a guest-blogger entry!) to post while I am distracted from blogging for a bit, which means I've got two to go until I (hopefully) return to "live" daily blogging again next this Thursday. The problem is that I have nothing left to write about. Well, I probably do, but I've been future-blogging for almost two hours now and feel empty. Things become even more complicated when you consider how the world of next Tuesday might have changed since I wrote this entry (and how disappointing would it be if the planet explodes before this is even posted?).

So I decided to make a list of nine cool things that could happen in the next five days before this entry posts. Why nine? Because it fits so nicely in a three-by-three grid...

Dave to the Future!

  • DirecTV adds the Elizabeth Hurley Channel which runs her films, shows, and appearances 24/7.
  • Pat Robertson's hateful, idiotic ass is caught in a gay porn sex scandal and he is never seen again.
  • Steve Jobs announces that he is running for President of the United States of America.
  • Apple ships MacOS X Leopard four months early.
  • Somebody at Coca Cola Company realizes they were stupid, and brings back Coke with Lime.
  • Somebody at the WB Network realizes they were stupid, and un-cancels Veronica Mars.
  • Sony Pictures Home Entertainment announces that Jeremy Piven's Cupid is being released on DVD.
  • A wealthy Blogography fan puts me in their will, then dies leaving me ONE BILLION DOLLARS!
  • Flying cars! We finally get our f#@%ing flying cars!!

Wow... can I just interject here to say that Kristen Bell and I would make a cute couple? She should totally date me!

Anyway, now that I am done playing Nostradaveus, I suppose I should get to work on my (hopefully) final prerecorded entry. Heaven only knows what I will come up with to write... maybe I should just draw a DaveToon and be done with it? Though I just finished drawing four of them for Kapgar, so I don't know if I really feel like doing another one tonight.

If only I could find those naked pictures, my problem would be solved...

   

Veto

Posted on Thursday, October 4th, 2007

Dave!Did you feel it?

Did you feel it?

If you were anywhere in the Pacific Northwest, you undoubtedly felt the presence of Elizabeth Hurley in Seattle yesterday, signing autographs at Nordstroms to kick off Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Unfortunately, I had a project deadline to meet, so driving over to Seattle so I could stand in line with a bunch of ladies in the cosmetics department and profess my undying love for all things Elizabeth Hurley was not in the cards.

Perhaps it's for the best. Keeping the fantasy alive and all that.

And then there's reality...

I've said before that blogging is not very difficult for me. Whenever I have free time during the day, I just grab my MacBook and type something out. I don't really think about it, and just blog whatever is on my mind. The average entry comes together in about 10 minutes (or a little longer if I have photos to work with or cartoons to draw).

But today was completely different.

Because this morning I read about President Bush's veto of the bipartisan bill to help provide healthcare to children that are from families making too much money to qualify for Medicaid, but too little money to afford insurance.

And then lost my mind.

This is my fifth attempt to put down my thoughts on the matter. The four other times I've tried throughout the day, I just end up typing "FUCK!" every other word and WRITING EVERYTHING IN ALL-CAPS. I'm beyond shock. I'm beyond anger. I can't even feign indifference. George Bush with all his money has never had to worry about how he's going to care for a sick child, and now it's fairly obvious that he doesn't give a fuck about people who do. This was a bill endorsed by both Democrats and Republicans. This was a bill supported by 72% of Americans. This was a bill that would cost relatively little compared to our $13 trillion dollar economy (and is positively paltry when compared to the cost of the war in Iraq). This was a bill that would provide desperately-needed health care coverage to over 9 million children (CHILDREN!!). This was a chance for George Bush to put his personal politics aside and do something for the good of the people he represents... something that a majority of these people are supporting.

But our president apparently doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck about parents who can't afford insurance for their kids. He doesn't give a fuck about what Americans want. He doesn't give a fuck the well-being of children. And he certainly doesn't even give a fuck about his fellow Republicans who will be running for office next term, because stuff like this is what will push fence-sitters to vote Democrat.

He just doesn't give a fuck.

President Bush says his reason for killing the bill is because he's trying to halt the federalization of health care... "I don't want the federal government making decisions for doctors and customers." Which just goes to show that on top of not giving a fuck, he's completely clueless as well. Did he even READ the bill before he vetoed it? This program has NOTHING TO DO WITH FEDERALIZING HEALTH CARE!! The program would provide funds for STATE government to enroll children in PRIVATE health insurance plans. Perhaps he actually did read it, he just didn't understand it? I can't decide if that would make me feel better or worse.

I could go on and on. I could unleash my profound disappointment in our president. I could rage about how insane it is that the wealthiest nation on earth can't provide health care for all of its citizens. I could go crazy over how insurance lobbies are dictating policy to our elected officials. I could... but I won't. I don't want to discuss it anymore. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I just don't want to accept that our country is run by somebody so lacking in decency and compassion.

Or maybe it's because I don't give a fuck either.

   

Bullet Sunday 56

Posted on Sunday, November 18th, 2007

Dave!It's Bullet Sunday after a dreary week of work, work, and more work.

Ironic... My new Blu-Ray player was delayed, so I'm sitting here with a stack of Blu-Ray movies and nothing to watch them on. I'm jonesing for a Ratatouille and 300 fix! In other HD news, I was very happy to find out that you can have Netflix automatically send Hi-Def versions of your selections (in either Blu-Ray or HD-DVD format) simply by updating your profile. Sweet!

Electronic... FOX is releasing posters for the new Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and they're delicious...

Terminator Babes

Hmmm... that second poster looks a little Borg-Queen-esque from Star Trek: First Contact. The series debuts on January 13th, though I have no idea if the writer's strike will change that. More info can be found on the FOX website.

Idiotic... I have the movie Idiocracy playing while I'm blogging. It's a Mike Judge comedy starring Luke Wilson about how in the future everybody is stupid and the country is run by idiots. We're half-way there already.

Moronic... If people want to criticize me or my blog, I honestly have no problem with that. Everybody is entitled to their opinion, and I invited this kind of scrutiny the minute I put myself on the internet. But why is it that 99% of these people sound so stupid? They don't know how to construct a proper sentence, and can't spell to save their life (despite the fact that they undoubtedly have spell-check). It's getting increasingly difficult to respond to these dumbasses because I can't even figure out what the hell they're trying to say. I'm told that this is a generational thing, and kids who grow up in the age of TXT messaging and IM have a language all their own. This may be true, but it's not that I can't decipher their TXT-speak, it's that their message is so obtuse. How can I have respect for these people when they can't express themselves in any meaningful way? Besides, I don't buy it. I know plenty of kids who are able to get their point across... even in TXT-speak. Perhaps the blogosphere just attracts idiots, I dunno. Maybe the future really is now.

Harmonic... The Superficial has posted some shots of the sublime Elizabeth Hurley as she attended Elton John's AIDS foundation benefit...

Goddess Hurley

Stunning as always. More delicious photos of Liz can be found here.

Iconic... I installed the first update for MacOS X Leopard and was dismayed that the icon preview bug hasn't been fixed. This is a major, major problem for me, as I use the icons to visually identify Adobe Illustrator files (I go to the trouble of saving PDF previews with all my files specifically for this purpose). Problem is, this is all I see in Leopard...

Leopard Bad Icon Preview

Yet, if I do a Spotlight search on the same files, the icon previews mysteriously appears...

Leopard Good Icon Preview

APPLE, PLEASE FIX THIS!! I need my icon previews back.

Demonic... How hard does Ray Wise rock playing The Devil on Reaper? I like the show and all, but he's the reason I find myself tuning in each week...

HellMonkey with Ray Wise

Ultrasonic... Crossing my fingers for Tron 2, baby!

And that wraps up the last installment of Bullet Sunday before we become hopelessly mired in the horrors of the holiday season. I so wish I could fast-forward to January.

   

Newyorkable

Posted on Thursday, May 1st, 2008

Dave!When the alarm clock went off at 4:30am, I was genuinely puzzled, because I didn't set the alarm. After managing to turn the stupid thing off, I noticed a strange itch starting inside the right-side of my tongue. Kind of like a mosquito bite, but without the mosquito. Thinking I must have bit my tongue in the middle of the night, I ignored it the best I could and fell back asleep.

So imagine my surprise when I woke up a few hours later to discover that the right-side of my tongue had swollen severely, and nearly filled my mouth. It had grown to about an inch thick for no apparent reason, but somehow didn't affect my breathing. It wasn't painful, but it was very, very uncomfortable.

Consulting Google searches, I eventually figured out this was most likely something called "Angiodema" which may be caused by an allergic reaction, or stress. Apparently there's nothing you can really do for it except take an anti-histamine until the swelling goes down. I decided to ignore it, thinking that stressing about it would only make things worse.

Fortunately, as the day wore on, my tongue started shrinking back to normal and is doing just fine now. Hopefully it stays that way.

After making our way from Newark Liberty Airport into the city, we checked into our hotel and then headed down the street to Rockefeller Plaza...

Vahid at Rockefeller Plaza

From there it was a quick subway ride shouth for a totally brilliant showing of Murakami artwork at The Brooklyn Museum. I am a huge, huge fan of Murakami, and his art has inspired a lot of things in the DaveToons I draw. Like this Murakami tribute I made using his happy flowers...

Murakami Dave!

You couldn't take photos in the exhibit, but there were some cool pieces outside in the lobby...

Murakami Exhibit

Murakami Exhibit

After the museum, we headed to the Upper-West Side to check out the Museum of Natural History and the Space Museum...

Museum of Natural History Planetarium

But the real highlight here is the dinosaurs... like this totally evil "Ann Coulter Fish," which I named because of the uncanny resemblance to the stupid bitch...

Ann Coulterfish

Of course the have real dinosaurs too, but they aren't quite as scary as the AnnCoulterFish...

Museum of Natural History

And, naturally, we had to pay homage to the Holy Land and visit the beautiful Apple Store Cube after walking through Central Park...

Apple Store Cube NYC

Back in Times Square, we noticed that Avitable must have enjoyed his pedicure immensely, because has apparently opened up a spa here in New York. It's nice to know that guys can finally have a place of their own to go be all pretty...

Spa Avitable!

And Naked Cowboy was, of course, there to sing along...

Naked Cowboy!

When the dinner hour came, we headed to a restaurant where we were trying to decide if we wanted to eat there or not. But as soon as I saw this...

Pasta Lovers

I was 100% sold on us eating there. Because of this...

Elizabeth Hurley Loves Pasta!

Yes... OMFG... ELIZABETH HURLEY ATE THERE!! Sweet! I could totally feel her presence!

All-in-all it was a pretty busy day.

Radio City Music Hall

I guess we'll see what excitement tomorrow brings.

   

Apathy

Posted on Monday, November 30th, 2009

Dave!For some reason, I don't even remotely care about blogging today.

I tried to care, but long work hours over the past several weeks have driven it out of me.

But it's not as if I don't care about anything. I still care about lots of things. As an example, right now I am caring about the weather on Wednesday. I have to fly out then, and this is the time of year that flights start getting cancelled. I also care about these Rold Gold Braided Honey Wheat Twist Pretzels I am eating right now. Deeply. They are as addictive as crack. Or so I'd imagine... I've never actually been addicted to crack. And I really care about the new Iron Man 2 promo poster that was released today...

Iron Man and War Machine Poster

I loved the first Iron Man and hope the sequel doesn't suck.

And then there's more to care about... Anissa's progress, five slain police officers in Lakewood, my next care package to Iraq, Elizabeth Hurley making more movies, Elizabeth Hurley liking vodka, not to mention Elizabeth Hurley selling beef jerky...

Elizabeth Hurley Beef Jerky

Why oh why couldn't Elizabeth Hurley have come to me to design her packaging? Seriously... I would have done something really nice for her jerky!

Ah well. Now I've got to care about work.

What else is new.

   

Tool

Posted on Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

Dave!I'm a firm believer in using the right tool for the job. Or, if you're Tiger Woods, using a firm tool for everything.

The problem is that entirely too many people are taking a Darwinian slide towards gene pool elimination because they can't understand this simple concept. Not a day goes by that I don't read about some moron using the wrong tool for a job and then acting all surprised when things go terribly wrong. My current favorite being the guy who decided to clear a pile of leaves off his lawn by blasting a shotgun into them at point-blank range. It's a perfectly good idea... unless the leaves in question are piled on top of an industrial strength metal well cover.

Oops.

Certainly a shotgun is a lot more fun than using a rake. And I'm sure there are a lot of great uses for a shotgun that I'm simply not imaginative enough to think of. I'm just saying that, in this particular case, it's the wrong tool for the job. My microwave can boil the fuck out of a cup of water, but that doesn't mean I'm going to start smelting steel in there.

Anyway... as far as examples go, it couldn't be made much clearer than this ad I ran across this morning...

Elizabeth Hurley plastered with TOTALLY FREE DATING! JOIN NOW!

Yes, that's the incomparable Elizabeth Hurley... most beautiful woman on earth and goddess of all things good and decent in the world. Some shitty dating site saw her glorious visage after running a Google Image Search, rightfully determined that her ravishing aesthetic would be perfect for attracting lonely computer nerds, and stole her exquisite form to make a crappy (but very, very sexy) web ad.

And, while this may indeed be a good tool for the job at hand once legalities have been forgotten, it's not entirely realistic.

Elizabeth Hurley has about as much interest in helping computer nerds get a date as George Lucas has in making a decent Star Wars film after Empire Strikes Back. You'd have a better chance of getting struck by lightning while bananas spontaneously shoot out of your ass then miraculously transform into kittens in mid-air. Though, if Elizabeth Hurley's lawyers get ahold of the people who are illegally using her to endorse TOTALLY FREE DATING, the resulting prison experience would probably make the whole lightning-banana-kitten-out-your-ass scenario seem like a picnic with the cast of Sesame Street.

So... not so much the right tool for the job after all, once legalities are factored in.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to try and get some sleep while I've got Elizabeth Hurley and bananas running around in my head.

Damn.

I wonder if that TOTALLY FREE DATING site really works?

   

Bullet Sunday 173

Posted on Sunday, March 7th, 2010

Dave!Blergh. Muh head is assploding on Buwett Swunday! Sinus infections suck.

   
• Oscar.
Look, I liked The Hurt Locker as much as anybody (I saw it twice in theaters and bought the Blu-Ray), but winning Best Original Screenplay over Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds? What the hell? I can see The Hurt Locker taking Best Picture over Basterds, I'm right there with that... but Screenplay?? Seriously? It's things like this that makes me want to swear off ever watching the Academy Awards each year.

   
• Can't. I have had at least a dozen people tell me that I need to see The Cove which just won Best Documentary. I love films of all kinds and am a huge fan of documentaries, but I cannot watch anything where dolphins are slaughtered. That's a weakness I'm perfectly willing to live with...

Swimming with Dolphins

   
• Strange. Katheryn Bigelow was well-known to me long before she directed The Hurt Locker. Mostly because of this poster which has hung on my bedroom wall for the past 13 years...

Strange Days Poster

Her movie Strange Days is one of my all-time favorite films. Written by (her then husband?) James Cameron, it's just cool entertainment. It has a great cast (I fell hopelessly in love with Angela Bassett after this performance), a really good story, an intriguing premise, and most everything else I love about the movies. The fact that it was so beautifully directed was just icing on the cake. All I can do is hope that the Oscar win for Kathryn Bigelow will mean we finally get a release of Strange Days on Blu-Ray.

As an added bonus, Kathryn Bigelow also directed a movie in 2000 called The Weight of Water starring the incomparable Elizabeth Hurley... TOPLESS!! I owe Kathryn Bigelow a massive debt for that astounding moment of brilliance in cinematic history, so congratulations on your Academy Awards!

   
• Teaser. The stupid-ass "teasers" that television news shows do during commercial breaks are getting more and more asinine. Shows like "Entertainment Tonight" always waste time before taking a break telling you what's coming up after the break. It's stupid, but nobody cares because it's not like you'll die if you miss anything on "Entertainment Tonight." You can, however, die from missing something on the news...

"And this just in... another big auto-maker launching a recall. We'll show you what cars pose a risk for your safety this time! It's eleven minutes of uninterrupted news at 11:00 on KIRO 7... tonight!"

Yes, let's not just come out and say which cars might kill you as a public service in the name of safety... instead let's keep it a secret so we can whore out our shitty local news program. Whatever.

   
And now my sinuses are smooshing into my brain, so I should probably go to bed.

   

Bullet Sunday 202

Posted on Sunday, October 17th, 2010

Dave!It's bullets over broken promises on Bullet Sunday!

   
• Tweet! Did you know the incomparable Elizabeth Hurley is on Twitter? It's true! She tweets fairly regularly about all kinds of stuff... but mostly about being Elizabeth Hurley, which is reason enough to follow her...

Liznaked

Elizabeth Hurley on Twitter

No tweets yet on the burden of being the most beautiful woman on the planet, but give her time.

   
• Better! I saw this video on Blair's Corner this past Wednesday, and it won't leave my head. Of all the inspiring "It Gets Better" videos floating around, this one sums it all up beautifully...

How can anybody watch this and be okay with a society that fosters such senseless hatred? As councilman Joel Burns says, it's not just about gay kids... it's about any kid that gets bullied just for being different. Six years ago somebody wrote to me from a life of pain and non-stop harassment. It broke my heart then, and the recent rash of teen suicides has brought it all back again.

Things have to change. Things have to get better. But it's not going to happen magically. We have to work for it by rejecting hatred and intolerance wherever we find it, and creating a world that embraces compassion and understanding. Though not always. I am quickly losing my compassion and understand for people who use religion and politics as an excuse to enforce a culture where kids are driven to kill themselves. They can just go fuck themselves.

   
• Beaver! Even though Leave It To Beaver was before my time, I remember it very well from reruns. "June Cleaver" is an American institution, a national treasure, and the epitome of television moms...

So when I heard that Barbara Billingsly had died I was understandably upset. Oddly enough, it's not June Cleaver that I most remember her for...

Go cups cut out to da Big Man, Big Momma. We fallin' out now you got your boots on an have a ball.

   
Huh. Feels like Monday.

   

Bullet Sunday 210

Posted on Sunday, December 12th, 2010

Dave!It's Bullet Sunday off the rails, baby! OFF THE RAILS!

   
• 'Tis the Season... for GOOD! So many potentially wonderful things are happening all the time all around us. Even when we least expect it. Even when we receive terribly sad news that makes it impossible for us to believe it. At least I hope so. Clinging to that is about all that's keeping me sane right now.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey are happy to see you!

   
• 'Tis the Season... for PAIN! Heaven only knows that there is some truly awful people out there... and, unfortunately, sometimes you marry them. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you need to get yourself a dang good lawyer to take care of business. Yes, there is going to be hard feelings and resentment. But having shit-bag lawyers add to a terrible situation is disgusting on levels so heinous that it should be grounds for getting your slimy ass disbarred...

I've been seeing this local television ad run every holiday season for years, and I get more pissed off every time it airs. Nothing quite like taking a season of good will and good cheer... then shitting all over it by encouraging people to solve their problems by becoming bitter, vindictive douchebags like this bitch. For all we know, SHE was the problem. A total whore that cheated on her hard-working, faithful husband by fucking anything with a penis. Thanks a lot, asshole lawyer.

   
• 'Tis the Season... for CONFLICT! Speaking of divorce... my eternal love and devotion for Elizabeth Hurley has been well-documented on this blog. Which is why I was so horribly conflicted when I saw the following on her twitter feed this morning...

Not a great day. For the record, my husband Arun and I separated a few months ago. Our close family & friends were aware of this.

I am genuinely sad that things didn't work out for Elizabeth Hurley's marriage. Not just for her, but for her husband Arun Nayar and her son Damian. As somebody who has been mildly obsessed with Elizabeth Hurley for fifteen years, of course I am upset for her. How could I ever want anything except for her to be happy? But... on the other hand... as somebody who has been mildly obsessed with Elizabeth Hurley for fifteen years... I've felt equally awful over having coveted another man's wife. But it's not like I can help myself here...

Dave Hotness

I totally have a chance here. Right? Right?

   
• 'Tis the Season... for TOAST! Google is starting to really push their browser-based operating system (called "Chrome OS") with rather shocking videos like this one...

WTF?!? NO! OH GOD, NO! NOT THE TOAST!!!

Google Hates Toast!!

What a sad, terrible waste of perfectly good toast. I could watch crappy Chrome netbooks being smashed all day long, but did they really have to sacrifice innocent slices of toast to make their point? Toast has never done anything to us but taste great with butter and jam... surely they could have used some useless food product like broccoli or cauliflower in the making of this video? I mean, sure, we can always make more toast. It only takes a few minutes in a toaster. But is this kind of violence against helpless bread products really necessary? This is sad. Sad and wrong. Why does Google hate toast?

   
And now it's time to get back on track. There's only so long you can go off the rails before Real Life calls you back.

   

Bullet Sunday 222

Posted on Sunday, March 6th, 2011

Dave!After the sheer awesomeness of my Saturday, I did the best I could to get through Bullet Sunday.

Meh.

   
• She's a Wonder. And so the most perfect woman on earth, Elizabeth Hurley, has been tapped for a role in David E. Kelly's Wonder Woman project. Apparently she'll be playing Wonder Woman's far more beautiful and classy arch-nemesis, Veronica Cale. I, of course, think she would be perfect as Wonder Woman herself, hard as it will be for anyone to fill Linda Carter's red boots. She was Wonder Woman. Even with Elizabeth Hurley, I have to say I am still very, very nervous about the show. If David E. Kelly can resist the urge to add his stupid-ass Allie McBeal craziness to the mix, it might have a chance...

Elizabeth Hurley is Wonder Woman!

   
• Pretty Cool. Gotta hand it to Miley Cyrus, she handled her guest-hosting on Saturday Night Live like a champ last night. She not only managed to get in a few digs on Lindsay Lohan, but spent a lot of time poking fun at herself as well. Of course, what every SNL fan was waiting for was seeing if she would make an appearance on Vanessa Bayer's ongoing "Miley Cyrus Show" skit. Surprisingly, she did... as Justin Bieber!

Miley Cyrus Show on SNL

I was secretly hoping that Billy Ray Cyrus would make an appearance as himself here, but Jason Sudeikis did his usual hysterical impersonation. A couple sketches fell flat for me (The Sound of Music, really?)... but overall it was a pretty funny episode and Miley did a great job. I still miss Hannah Montana.

   
• Upgrade. Microsoft has an entire website devoted to killing off their piece of shit web browser, Internet Explorer 6...

Internet Explorer 6 Must Die!

Their suggestion is to have you upgrade to Internet Explorer 8.

If I may be so bold, a suggestion: bypass Internet Explorer 8 and upgrade directly to an even better browser...

Or, don't stop upgrading there... get rid of Windows and step up to Macintosh! It's so much nicer up here!

   
• Downgrade. Meeee-ow! My review of the latest "upgrade" to Twitter for iPhone...

DAVE TWITTER REVIEW:

Developers always seem to play the victim by saying things like "Well, nobody wants to pay for apps anymore, so we use ads. SOMEBODY has to pay, so cut us a break!" — And that's a very good point... except you can't expect people to be happy when the app's functionality is impaired by the ads. Either find a way to insert ads in a way that's not going to shit all over your app, or just charge for the damn thing.

   
• Go for the Gold. One last thing before I go... this morning I discovered Rold Gold "Everything Bagel" Pretzels. Deeeelicious. They kind of reminds me of Chex Mix, but more subtle and without the fishy Worcestershire sauce to mess things up. Still really good flavor though. This is a great find because it's really tough to find the Snyders of Hanover flavors I like around here...

Rold Gold Everything Bagel Pretzels

   
And there's Bullet Sunday for you. Until next week... stay classy, blogosphere.

   

Newcastle

Posted on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Dave!My obsession with Elizabeth Hurley is well documented.

Which is why I was chuffed to bits too get a personal non-apology apology from her and Newcastle over the idiotic reaction to their truly funny "If We Had Won" campaign that surfaced when moronic "patriots" couldn't take a fucking joke. I mean, seriously, if obviously tongue-and-cheek ads by a BEER COMPANY from one of this country's strongest allies is offending you, maybe it's time to pull the flag pole out of your ass and just throw yourself off a cliff you miserable bastards.

Or just have a beer and relax maybe.

Anyway, here is Elizabeth Hurley in all her brutally hot glory...

And, in case you hadn't seen the original "terribly offensive ads," here's an example...

ZOMFG! SO OFFENSIVE! BUT NOT AS OFFENSIVE AS THIS!!!...

And, be still my heart, Elizabeth Hurley getting filthy...

The whole campaign can be found here.

Geez. Now I could really use a Newcastle.

If Americans want a real reason to get mad at the Brits, HERE IT IS...

HOW CAN HOT TAMALES MAKE YOU SAD? What a complete wanker!

   

  Home  

spacer
Welcome:
Blogography is a place to learn and grow by exposing yourself to the mind of David Simmer II, a brilliant commentator on world events and popular culture (or so he claims).
Dave FAQ:
Frequently Asked Questions
Dave Flickr Gallery:
Dave Contact:
dave@blogography.com
Blogography Webfeeds:
Entries Feed
Comments Feed
Dave Social:
Blogography Tumblr
Blogography Instagram
Blogography on Pinterest
translate me
lost & found
Search Blogography:
thrice fiction
Thrice Fiction Magazine - March, 2011 - THE END
I'm co-founder of Thrice Fiction magazine. Come check us out!
free iphone app
Ask Dave iPhone App
Put Dave in your pocket with this FREE app for iPhone and iPod Touch. All life's answers await you with the Ask Dave app!
hard rock moment
Visit DaveCafe for my Hard Rock Cafe travel journal!
travel picto-gram
Visit my travel map to see where I have been in this world!
badgemania
Blogography Badge
Atom Syndicate Badge
Comments Syndicate Badge
Apple Safari Badge
Pirate's Booty Badge
Macintosh Badge
license
All content copyright ©2003-2017
by David Simmer II
   
Creative Commons License
This weblog is licensed under
a Creative Commons License.
ssl security
Comodo SSL