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Posted on Monday, April 19th, 2010

Dave!About a half-dozen years ago I was at a horrible party filled with the most boring people imaginable. They were remote friends of my sometimes-girlfriend, and I tagged along because I didn't want to get yelled at. This was during the beginnings of the massive push to "go green" and every douchebag at the party was trying to "out-green" everybody else. This resulted in many lengthy conversations about compost, bio-fuels, recycling, and Birkenstocks... or so I would imagine... to be honest, I wasn't paying much attention and spent most of my time trying to get drunk on organic wine and eating my weight in Doritos with tahini dip. At some point there was a yelling argument over toxic-waste, but not a cool kind of argument (such as to who would win in a death-match between a mutant and a zombie).

It was as about as thrilling as a severe case of food poisoning, but without the fun of calling in sick at work (which is what happens when you try to get drunk on organic wine and eat your weight in Doritos with tahini dip).

Over the course of the 147 hours the party lasted, I somehow got involved in a conversation about bowel movements...

HIPPIE #1: The toxins building up in our feces is a leading cause of health problems.
HIPPIE #2: Yes, we should learn from the animals... a dog has two to three bowel movements a day!
HIPPIE #1: I wonder if there are any health benefits to a human having three bowel movements a day?
DAVE: I dunno. That sounds like a lot of crap to me! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa!
HIPPIE #2: !?!!
HIPPIE #1: !?!!
HIPPIE #2: So... are you thinking laxatives or a high-fiber diet supplemented with coconut or almond oil?

I don't know whether this was better or worse than the Whine People, but it definitely redefined my definition of "torture."

Anyway, flash-forward to today, and I somehow ended up in a conversation where THIS was the topic...

Bristol Stool Scale
Chart Stolen from Wikipedia

Of course, my only contribution to the discussion was this...

DAVE: I dunno. That sounds like a lot of crap to me! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa!

Apparently I am the only one who has absolutely no desire to discuss this shit.


Ha! Ha! Haaaaa!

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Categories: DaveLife 2010Click To It: Permalink


  1. Marc says:

    Yum, lovely topic!

  2. ssp says:

    โ€ฆย and yet the discussion seems to have stuck for a decade ๐Ÿ™‚

    I think I could have done without that right after getting up.

  3. Sybil Law says:

    Ha! Ha! Haaaaaa!

    I thought it was funny!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    And I’d have welcomed anyone at a horrible party like that making a joke! Damn.

  4. B.E. Earl says:

    Oh, man…I hate conversations like that. They really stink. ::rim shot::

  5. Finn says:

    Sadly I am all too familiar with that stupid chart. Lil’ M has chronic constipation and we go to the gastroenterologist every three to six months where Lil’ M has to tell him what his poop looks like.

    And we have two dogs. Who poop twice a day.

    So, yeah. A lot of crap.

  6. RW says:

    You should have just pulled up a stool and listened…

  7. A. Lewis says:

    I have no comment. Not one.

  8. delmer says:

    I had three bowel movements *before lunch* the other day. All were type 3, 4 and 5. Three before lunch is uncommon, though I normally hit 3 or 4 over the course of the day. Lately, I’ve upped my fiber.

  9. Suebob says:

    You have given me my Next Big Idea. I am going to document my fecal product every day and make a decorated page for each one, complete with cute cut-out titles, rubber stamps and stickers.

    I’m calling it “Crapbooking.”

  10. Dan says:

    Be careful with that chart. I posted it once about three years ago and for a long time it was by far the most searched for term on my blog.

  11. “Because I didn’t want to get yelled at.” Aren’t relationships great? This cracked me up.

  12. Hilly says:

    Oh my my, I am mortified! When I emailed you earlier, I had not seen that chart, LOL. Yikes.

  13. MIke says:

    Forgive me.. way off topic but I thought of you when I saw this.

  14. I’m giving this chart to my grandfather so he can just give me a number instead of a description.

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