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Posted on Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Dave!Am I the only one who keeps an Anarchy List?

You know... a list of people you will personally kill until they are dead if you're ever diagnosed with six months to live... or find out that the world will explode in four weeks... or aliens invade... or some other world-devastating event? A special list that you will act upon ONLY if going to jail or getting killed won't make much of a difference? A list filled with people, companies, or even places that deserve to be obliterated for the betterment of all society? A list so nasty that you'd be willing to give up your pacifist beliefs for the sweet, sweet taste of revenge?

Yeah, I thought so.

Tonight I added a telephone survey company to my Anarchy List.

Since they're technically not "selling you something," they're not obligated to comply with the National Do Not Call Registry, and can call you whenever they want. I hate them for that, and so they must die. If I'm ever given six months to live, their entire company headquarters will be destroyed and their call center will be wiped off the face of the earth... probably by way of a stolen FIM-92 Stinger missile... or perhaps an incendiary charge strapped to a fuel truck I've borrowed. In any event, VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!


If only it were this easy...





Seriously... who in the hell wants to be bothered at home for an unsolicited survey by some politician or market research company or some other stupid crap? Maybe there are people so bored that they actually live for this bullshit, but I am not one of them. Why isn't there a DO NOT CALL WITH BULLSHIT OR YOU WILL FUCKING DIE registry? I mean, it's as much for their safety as it is for my sanity.


There really should be a DO NOT CALL WITH BULLSHIT OR YOU WILL FUCKING DIE registry.

Because I care. I really do.

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  1. Ren says:

    Could you please rate how you liked our survey call from 1 to 10 where 1 means you liked it a little bit and 10 means you want to have our babies. Thank you for your time, which is really our time that we’re letting you borrow.

  2. Steve in NH says:

    If we had true freedom of speech you could write specific names that would be on your list. Nonetheless, it’s fun to wonder…..

  3. martymankins says:

    The day of the end of cold calling has been coming for some time. I hope to see it’s end soon. And I used to cold call people years ago for Dish Network (a side job I did to earn extra money). I learned pretty quick that as much as I hated being bothered at home by sales pitches, I couldn’t do it anymore. Plus, I’m not that good at sales.

    • Dave2 says:

      I just don’t understand why the DO NOT CALL LIST can’t apply to ALL intrusive and unsolicited calls. It really should. They are basically the same thing.

  4. Christopher Stogdill says:

    Seriously, I would shy away from using a stinger as it really isn’t the right tool for the job. I’d have to consult my old FAC book, but I suspect you’d get more bang for the buck with a combination of Fuel/Air Explosive (FAE) or some CBUs (Cluster Bomb Units) since you’d be attackinga mixture of hard and soft targets.

    Just saying….I do have some experience in this matter….

    • Dave2 says:

      But Stingers are so easily accessible! And I’m pretty sure they would take care of the problem. Still, if you can have a better solution delivered on-site, then please feel free to do so.

      • Christopher Stogdill says:

        Well then, I would have to consult a book on field-expedient demolitions. What’s the cost of a 55 gallon drum of diesel and about $10 of additives and a road flare?

  5. B.E. Earl says:

    I don’t have an Anarchy List yet, but I’m making one right now! It’s gonna be pretty large.

  6. Iron Fist says:

    “Maybe there are people so bored that they actually live for this bullshit…”

    There are, which is why when these market research and “public opinion” surveys come out, I know that they are based almost entirely upon the opinions of morons.

    • Dave2 says:

      Kind of like serving on jury duty, I’d imagine. The brightest thinkers always seem to find a way out of it. The fact that I’m still called every three years doesn’t reflect well on my intelligence, I have to admit.

  7. Jeff says:

    The phrase “kill until they are dead” will now become my personal favorite. Thanks Dave!

    BTW, tell us how you really feel.

  8. Sybil Law says:

    I cannot believe I’ve never thought of an Anarchy List.
    So going to do that now.
    You are genius!!

  9. karla says:

    Admittedly I don’t have a list like that.

    I don’t actually ever want to kill anyone. Too messy.

    I want my minions to do it for me, when I take over the Earth and put things right.

  10. Mik says:

    With the cable company I can dial a number and then add the offending number and we don’t calls from that line again bar stewards.

    We got similar calls a couple of days of getting the cable service hooked up bastages.

    • Dave2 says:

      I looked into that, but couldn’t find the feature in my cable phone company booklet. The bigger problem is that these big companies have a lot of different numbers they call from. I wonder if there’s a website where they list all the possible numbers from an organization you want to block? Hmmmm…

  11. Faiqa says:

    Hmmm. I’m afraid that if I start an Anarchy List, I will lose my soul. Because once I work through that repression, I’m going to need a lot of paper.

    • Dave2 says:

      I work real hard to keep my list manageable. No adding somebody just because they cut you off in traffic or something like that… it has to be seriously worth killing for. That happens less often than you’d think…

  12. Anarchy List? Brilliant! I’m going to start working on mine now.

  13. Michelle M. says:

    This is why I never answer the phone.

    Will you tell us your other 25 (so far) on the list?

  14. Can I be on that registry, too?

  15. Karl says:

    Oh, there’s a list, alright. A fairly long one. I keep it locked deep in the bowel of my bedroom, which no one would dare enter.

  16. MIke says:

    I confess that I worked in a Marketing Research company one time. (but then I think I have done every job once.) It was surreal, sometimes funny and , like most jobs, destined to bring out the asshole side in a lot of people. Sometimes people enjoyed the surveys as long as it didn’t take too long, unfortunately you could never know how long it would take because it would depend on your answers. If we didn’t get 5 complete surveys in an evening, we would eventually lose our jobs. No kidding. So it could be stressful. Boo Hoo, I know.
    Old ladies loved to have somebody to talk to. Specially if you ever asked them about their cats, Muffin or Tippy. They would begin happily enough but after an hour or more, you could hear them practically begging to be released! “When is this gonna finish? I’m missing MacGyver!!”
    The black girls I worked with were absolutely hilarious too. They didn’t give a frick if they kept the job or not- and if somebody got rude with them on the phone, you might hear anything come out of their mouths.(It was always impressive.)

    They would make up funny names for the opening spiel. Hello, m’am. This is Placenta from Marketing Research in Denver Colorado and I’d like to..” or Embreeyo. Mahtzarella.
    One time I was told by the interviewee that I couldn’t speak with the “female head of the household” because she had her husband whoo-hoo in her mouth. I just said, in my best Ned Flanders imitation,”Okay, alrighty then. I’ll just try you back later then.”

  17. MIke says:

    As far as the DO NOT CALL list. One thing this marketing research company I worked for did was to buy phone numbers from a company (yeah there are!) and when those had all been used, they told us to add one to the last number. I think it violated some law or contract.
    Altogether it was a very slimy place to work.. but, sadly, it was a high class sort of slime. Meaning the atmosphere of slime was so snooty and posh, you could mistake it for normal business practice.
    For example, we had to do this survey about smoking. In fact, it was a means to get names and addresses of people who smoked so they could be sent info on how to write their politician to stop anti-smoking laws. It was not a normal panty hose- dog food or beer market survey. Anyway, one gal- she was so smug and very succesful getting complete surveys got ahold of a 95 year old lady who told her that she had just quit smoking a couple of months before. The interviewer says, “Congratulations!” And that was the end of the interview. Only it wasn’t. The client and the company rep was listening to her call (she WAS the best) and the bastard client went through the roof. They called her upstairs and reamed her out.. with this attitude like.. “We just haven’t decided what we should do about YOU yet. They want to let you go but.. well, we will let you know.”

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