This morning I woke up craving Spaghetti. And not just any spaghetti, but the crappy Chef Boyardee spaghetti that comes in a can. Never one to deny myself anything, I found some in the back of my cupboard and heated it up. But canned spaghetti seems kind of weird and squishy to be having for breakfast, so I dumped some corn flakes on top and it was all good.
The problem is that I didn't eat enough of it, and was still hungry as I was heading out the door to visit my dentist for a teeth cleaning. Since I had already brushed my teeth, I didn't want to eat any Chef Boyardee leftovers for fear of having spaghetti-breath. So instead decided to have a lime popsicle.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I immediately realized my mistake when I pulled up to the dentist office and looked in my rear-view mirror to make sure I didn't have anything stuck in my teeth...
Well fuck.
Can't... catch... a... break...
Faced with the embarrassing prospect of having my dentist see me with a bright green tongue, I search for anything I could use to wipe it off. I started with a few napkins I had in the glovebox... moved on to some tissues I found in my side-pocket... then ultimately ended up scraping my tongue with a Swiffer Duster I found under the seat.
A lot of the toxic color came off my tongue, but I still had a nice green cast as I walked through the door.
I'm fairly certain both my hygienist and dentist think that I am completely insane now, despite not having said anything about my freakishly green tongue... but what else is new?
Still unsatisfied after Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and a lime popsicle, I decided to drop by Denny's for some kind of brunch-type meal. If you've never been, I can tell you that nothing makes you appreciate getting older than eating at Denny's at 10:30 in the morning. The place was crawling with the elderly, and I'm guessing the median age must have been at least 85 years old.
It was the most entertaining meal I've had in ages.
These crotchety old people bitch about everything. They fight about everything. They get away with everything.
Take the couple sitting behind me...
OLD MAN: I want bacon!
OLD WOMAN: You like the pancakes! Order the pancakes!
OLD MAN: I WANT BACON OR HAM, DAMMIT!
OLD WOMAN: THEN ORDER YOUR DAMN BACON, BUT YOU'LL NEVER EAT IT!
OLD MAN: I'M HUNGRY AND I'LL EAT IT!
OLD WOMAN: No you won't.
OLD MAN: YES I WILL EAT IT, AND I'M ORDERING IT!!
OLD WOMAN: Then get the Grand Slam, you get bacon with your pancakes.
OLD MAN: I'm going to get the Slim Slam so I can get some eggs.
OLD WOMAN: BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR PANCAKES?!? YOU DON'T GET PANCAKES WITH A SLIM SLAM!
OLD MAN: YES YOU DO GET PANCAKES!! IT SAYS SO RIGHT ON THE MENU, DAMMIT!
WAITRESS: Hello there! Have you decided what you'd like to have?
OLD MAN: I WANT THE SLIM SLAM WITH SCRAMBLED EGGS, HAM, AND STRAWBERRIES ON MY PANCAKES!!!
WAITRESS: Errr... okay. And for you ma'am?
OLD WOMAN: Oh! I don't know what I want yet!
OLD MAN: HAH!! YOU WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GOING TO ORDER WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE!! STUPID WOMAN!
OLD WOMAN: OH SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
WAITRESS: Why don't I give you a few more minutes...
OLD MAN: BUT I WANT MY HAM!!
People dread getting older. They fight the aging process every chance they get. I'm just the opposite. I so totally can't wait to get old so I can act like a spoiled two-year-old in public without having to worry about what people are going to think. Once I turn 85, I'm not going to give a fuck about anything...
Which is pretty much how I am right now, but I'm betting I won't feel nearly as guilty about it.
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CHEF BOYARDEE AND LIME POPSICLES! HAH! SEE WHEN YOU DON”T EAT BACON? AND THIS IS GOOD? HAH!
(practicing being an old guy)
I, too, cannot wait to get older. It seems that people take me more seriously with each passing year, so I figure that by the time I reach 80 I should be able to be a complete asshat and still command respect.
Dammit Dave! Now I want pancakes!
I can’t wait to be old; to come full circle and be the spoiled child again!
I was about to ask how being old would really change your life ;).
I’m a little scared of the Swiffer Duster all over your tongue; this may be where the impotent spit comes from!
Thank you so much for the Denny’s rendition. Time and time again my parents dragged me there for Sunday brunch or the odd night out (they had coupons, don’t you know, so it was a cheap meal too). So often would I overhear conversations just like this one. Thanks, Dave. You made my day.
I had spaghetti for breakfast today too. 🙂 Not the canned kind though- leftovers. Yum.
Chef-Boyardee spaghetti with cereal, a lime popsicle, chased with Denny’s??
OK man, I know you don’t eat anything that would have to be killed; but do you have to eat shit that will kill YOU?! Before you get to be a guilt-free old man?
I quit going to Denny’s after a trip to the restaurant by the Seattle airport. I had a salad and something was moving. It was a green worm. Yuck! Now I grossed you out. Spaghetti from the can and lime popsicle! Yuck. Back to the ice creams cones, now if you only had that ice cream machine.
LOL!!! I don’t know which is funnier, your breakfast/brunch combo or using the Swiffer duster to get the green off of your tongue!
I too almost look forward to getting old for exactly the same reason. FREEDOM, pure freedom. I hope anyway.
Spaghettios rock. Now I’ll have to try them with cornflakes. I do love all things crunchy…
I too had a trip to the dentist this morning. I would have preferred scarpping my tongue with a Swiffer Duster…
scarpping is MUCH more painful than scrapping…
My crotechety-ness knows no age limits.
Ughhhh…the Swiffer cloth to the tongue gave me the heebie jeebies. :p
When I was home over the weekend, my 89 year old grandmother asked my dad how much longer she had to use her nitroglycerin patches. My dad said 11 years. 11 years? she asked. Yes, 11 years–because then you will be 100 and at that point you can do whatever you want with your medicine.
Heh.
I’ll loan you my lime green t-shirt 🙂
Three thoughts:
1. You’re crazy
2. I thought I saw you at Denny’s….I was the old dude.
3. I’ll give you a Grand Slam…..exactly where would you like it.?
*sigh* God, dude – you are so frickin’ weird.
If you keep up the Chef Boyardee spaghetti with corn flakes thing, you won’t have to worry about aging – you’ll probably be preserved from the inside out. Heck, maybe you can start a craze – instead of folks in Hollywood going for a colonic they’ll go for a “Dave” – a spa treatment of canned spaghetti and soggy cereal.
Hmmmm…that’s just a disturbing thought.
Dave, why wait until you get old to be bitchy and demanding? Now is the time that you would truly enjoy it. Plus, you may never get any older than you are now.
Wow. They sound like me and Martin!! 🙂
That kind of breakfast would make me sick all day! You must have a iron stomach!
I like that I can get a Bacon Cheeseburger and fries at 7 AM at Denny’s.
i feel the need to go to IHOP or Denny’s now, just for the amusement (and the ham!).
Looks like those “any thing any time” eating habits you picked up on your cruise have been hard to break. Plus, I suspect a grape popsicle would have been a better complement to the pasta — sorta like a nice Barolo wine.
I, too, had to cringe at the thought of the Swiffer Duster. Can you at least reassure us that it hadn’t been used before that?
Mmm…Denny’s. It’s kind of evil to talk about Denny’s when people like me have no chance in hell of having any for MONTHS you know….now i want pancakes and bacon and I am on a DIET damn you. Feh.
Did you REALLY use a Swiffer on your tongue? Fer reals? I bet your tongue was nice and dust free….and very very dry.
RW… YOU DAMN KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN! See, I can practice too!
Amanda… Asshatedness is a state of mind. 🙂
Kyra… I want a “Moons Over My Hammy” but without the hammy.
Bec… And that’s what I like to call “growing old gracefully.”
Hilly… Swiffer is one of mankind’s most incredible inventions. Well, for dusting anyway… not so great at removing green dye from your tongue.
Moe… See, it’s just like being there, and now you don’t have to put yourself through it personally! Blogography is good for something after all!
Claire… Then your spaghetti actually tasted good then? No need for corn flakes?
Shari… I’m pretty sure all four food groups were well-represented in my dining choices. Okay, maybe not WELL represented, but they were there. I think. Lime popsicles count as a fruit, right?
P… GAH! I actually eat at that Denny’s sometimes! I guess now I know not to order a salad! Fortunately, the odds of that happening are very rare to begin with…
Robin… If the Swiffer would have worked good for cleaning my tongue, I probably would have found that funny too.
Michelle… If your hip doesn’t give out so you fall and can’t get up, then it’s all good. Well, except health-care will probably be worse than it is now, which is pretty bad, because the government will probably just shoot you like a horse or something.
Laurel… I don’t like Spaghetti-O’s and have to eat the Chef Boyardee “regular” spaghetti. Something about O-shaped pasta scares me a little bit.
Dustin… Maybe some tater tots and a nice churro could change that?
Diane… NITROGLYCERINE? Are you setting your grandmother up to explode or something?!? Poor grandma!
Iddly… The question is whether the lime green shirt would deflect attention away from my lime green tongue… or draw attention to it? The mind boggles.
Lewis… 1) I’m encouraged that it too you this long to figure that out. 2) Did you ever get your ham then? 3) So long as there’s no sausage with the slam, I’ll take it on a plate… is this a trick question?
Caffeinated Librarian… No no… the trick is to sprinkle the cereal on the spaghetti as you eat it so it doesn’t go soggy! I’m a genius I tell you!
Stephanie… Oh, make no mistake, I am most certainly cranky and bitchy now… I’m just young enough that I feel guilty for being that way. As I get older, I hope this guilt disappears so I can enjoy it.
Adena… I don’t know what a “Martin” is, but you should consider trading it in for a vegetarian model so you don’t have to discuss bacon and ham over breakfast! 😀
Bre… You don’t like spaghetti with corn flakes then? You really should try it… the stuff is most excellent. Especially when you follow it up with a lime popsicle.
Avitable… Yeah, that’s the beauty of it… you can get whatever the hell you want whenever you want. Unlike McDonalds who stops serving breakfast when I’m hungry for it. The bastards.
Sizzle… I hear the Slim Slam has excellent ham, but no toast with jam or Spam.
Steve… I don’t think the Swiffer had been used… much… but I used the top side, which is opposite the side you wipe with, so I think it’s all good.
Karla… For reals, dog! Swiffer is mad-crazy for tongue-related cleaning. They should put that on their web site!
Dude, dentists don’t care if your tongue is green from a lime Popsicle. They know people eat, and they know people eat green stuff. He probably would have been bemused. Maybe he was indeed bemused (with your leftover hue). I would have been bemused. I am bemused. You are bemusing.
Genius? Is THAT what they call it? ;-P
Oh I totally agree – I can’t WAIT to be old. I want one of those crepe-like neck waddles old woman have so I can stroke it whenever I want. For now I just have to content myself by stroking random old ladies waddles, and they find it disconcerting.