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Dilated

Posted on Monday, October 2nd, 2006

Dave!WARNING: CRANKY PANTS ALERT!! CRANKY PANTS ALERT!!

In an attempt to figure out why I've been plagued with headaches for the past few weeks, I went to the eye doctor today. My vision has been freaky lately, and I'm not sure if it's because of my headaches or if it's the CAUSE of my headaches.

In any event, it involved my eyes getting dilated, so I spent the afternoon like this...

Dave Dilated

The only thing worse than having your eyes dilated on a sunny day is having to drive home with your eyes dilated on a sunny day. And the only thing worse than that is having to put up with DUMBASS BITCHES while you're driving with dilated eyes on a sunny day.

As you exit the great city of Wenatchee, there is one final stoplight. Just before this stoplight is a Starbucks Drive-Thru. It's the stupidest place in the universe for a drive-thru because you can't get out easily. When the light is green, traffic is flowing heavy with people leaving town and you can't get out. When the light is red, traffic is backed up in front of the Starbucks exit and you can't get out then either. Basically, you can check-in to Starbucks, but you can never leave.

So today I am stopped at this light just before the Starbucks exit. The light turns green and I slowly start to move forward. This causes some bitch who JUST GOT TO THE STARBUCK'S EXIT to lay on the horn (honest, she hadn't even STOPPED yet!). I instantly become enraged because I have a headache, my eyes are dilated, and I don't need some whore WHO WASN'T EVEN WAITING TO EXIT honking at me. If she was in such a big hurry, she shouldn't have stopped for coffee. This is what I scream at her...

I HAVE A GREEN LIGHT AND AM NOT GOING TO BLOCK FIFTY CARS TO LET YOUR COFFEE-DRINKING SHIT OUT, SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT GRANDE LATTE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR F#@%ING ASS YOU STUPID BITCH!!!

There's no chance she can hear me. Even with my window down, hers are rolled up AND I'm driving past her as I yell. I know this, but I don't care and decide to yell anyway. It will make me feel better.

But I forgot about the cars in the lane next to me. With their windows down, they can hear me just fine. So when a bunch of people start cheering and honking their horns and waving at me with a "thumbs up" I realize that I am destined to rule the earth. There is no denying that my inspirational words appeal to the masses, and it's only a matter of time before I climb my way to the top... one dumbass coffee-drinking whore at a time.

And because I'm in even a worse mood now that I've had to remember all this crap, it must be time for a meme in an extended entry!

From Avitable, who thinks answering any of these with "President Bush" is entirely too easy...

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore. A close second would be either Pat Robertson or Judge Judy.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Clay Aiken. Just when I think he can't suck any worse than he already does, he releases a new album and sucks even harder.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Ann Coulter. Because the stupid bitch so desperately needs it.

4. What is your favorite cheese?
Like Avitable, I like most all cheese. But Tillamook Medium Cheddar would probably take the top spot because I eat it by the pound.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
A Dave's Perfect Fried Egg Sandwich.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Elizabeth Hurley (as if you really need to ask).

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Sharon Corr of The Corrs. Because, well, damn.

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
On a bunch of DVDs I want.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
The Amalfi Coast in Italy.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Eat dinner at Ristorante La Caravella.

11. A demon rises out of Hell and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?
J├Ąger Bombers.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I would really rather not say, because it involves totally destroying somebody before they can f#@% up my life.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
If you are unable to drive the speed limit, you are not allowed to drive. If you are unwilling to drive the speed limit, you are not allowed to drive. If your vehicle is not capable of going the speed limit, you are not allowed to drive. If you drive in the passing lane without passing anybody, I get to personally put a bullet in your f#@%ing head.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?
Cupid starring Jeremy Piven as a guy who ends up in a mental hospital because he thinks he's the Roman god of love, and Paula Marshall as the psychiatrist who's in charge of keeping him from going back after he's released. Oh, wait... THEY ALREADY MADE THAT, BUT ABC TELEVISION STUPIDLY CANCELLED IT!! DUMBASSES!!

15. What is your favorite curse word?
F#@%. Accept no substitutes.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Go get a glass of water.

17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?
My PowerBook. My entire life is on it.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
That's not a lot of time to do anything really interesting... so I guess I'd jump off a cliff so at least my death would be an interesting one.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
The power to have any super-power I can think of.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
My first trip to Rome was pretty amazing. I think I'd choose the half-hour I spent walking to The Colosseum for the first time along The Forum. The sun was just starting to set and it was absolutely beautiful.

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Filling out this meme.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool stuff... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?
Edinburgh, Scotland.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
The Fenix Underground in Seattle's Pioneer Square.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"?
Why is it every meme has to have one question that's so frickin' stupid you regret having started the meme in the first place? If I must answer, I'd FLOAT over the car of somebody I dislike strongly and take a crap in the middle of their hood. Then I could say "DUDE! Check it out... I can FLOAT!"

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Avitable totally nails this one with Phil Hartmann but, to be different, I'd have to say James Clavell, my favorite author. I'd love to have another book in his "Asia Saga."

26. The Gates of Hell have opened, and Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
Having my best friend back would be nice.

27. What's your theme song?
Nothing, by Depeche Mode.

And now, because my dilated eyes are still buggin', I'm off to a dark place so I can take a nap.


Categories: DaveLife 2006, Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. I sense your anger and sympathize. Stupid drivers abound, and the highly-caffinated ones are perhaps more dangerous than the ones on cell phones.

    But I must say this, in my own defense and a few others as well: not all coffee-drinking whores are dumbasses.

    With your unusually opened eyes, I trust you’ll be able to see that.

  2. Avitable says:

    My wife loved the Amalfi coast. She wants us to buy real estate there once we’re millionaires.

  3. deezee says:

    Regarding the bug eyes, next time ask for the drops that return the eyes to normal in a matter of minutes (a well kept secret.)

    Everything else…simply hysterical…

  4. Mooselet says:

    Mate, Dialated Dave is freaking me out a little bit. Like he belongs in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

  5. Sheila says:

    “If I must answer, I’d FLOAT over the car of somebody I dislike strongly and take a crap in the middle of their hood. Then I could say “DUDE! Check it out… I can FLOAT!”

    Priceless!

  6. Chrissi says:

    Oh I SO totally know what you mean – it’ so bad right there and also down the street at Les Schwab – in fact any where right there on that side of Wenatchee Ave. Ugh . I won’t go to any businesses unless I have to during the busy traffic time of day due to the simple fact of getting back onto the avenue .

    Ya know what else is bad? Trying to exit from EZ’s – heading north towards upper valley area.

  7. Dave2 says:

    Part-Time Buddha… Oh of course not! There are some NON-dumbass coffee-drinking whores who are my bestest friends! :-)

    Avitable… Amalfi bounces between #1 and #2 on my “list of places I haven’t been but am dying to go to” depending on my mood (Greece being the other location). Australia is a firm #3.

    Deezee… FOR REALS?!? If that stuff exists, why don’t they just give it to you? Crazy! I’ve never heard of it, but I will be asking next time, so thanks!

    Mooselet… My eyes always seem to resist the stuff but, once they are open, stay that way f-o-r-e-v-e-r. :-(

    Sheila… Something tells me the guy whose car gets crapped on will not agree! :-D

    Chrissi… Whenever I eat at EZs, I don’t even try to turn left… the traffic leaving Wal-Mart is killer. I turn right, then turn again at Walnut, then turn on Western and head back out at the light on Maiden Lane. It’s kind of a round-about way to leave, but at least I’m not waiting on traffic that may never break! :-)

  8. Kapha says:

    Mooselet: You mean like the guy in the phonebooth from “The Birds”? 8)

    Dave: I have to tell you: I’ve been into Organic Valley’s Organic Raw Sharp Cheddar Cheese for a couple of years now and *nothing* even comes close. Even gourmet Goat Cheese from France chanted over by Zen Monks. Seriously. This stuff is amazing. Occasionally you’ll get a block that’s a bit more pungent (and even that’s great stuff), but 90% of the time it is PURE HEAVEN and hands down the best cheese I have ever had – and I was really into cheese for several years (including Tillamook back in the day – did the tour three times). Now OV’s Raw Extra Sharp is not quite as good imo (and I generally prefer the extra sharp) – just be sure you get the *Raw* Sharp. It is SOOOOOO good! (And much better for you btw) Some thin slices on *real* sourdough bread with *real* butter makes you appreciate being alive.

    >Go here and then select “Raw Sharp – 8 oz.” for the description (I couldn’t get the direct link to work).

    I have been known to eat an ENTIRE 8 oz. block of this stuff when it’s really “on” (there cows must be munching on some kind of Cow Nip) – with an apple and some popcorn. It’s that good.

    Give it a whirl and I swear after a while you’ll think Tillamook is nothing more than cheese-flavored Play-Doh! ;)

  9. nancycle says:

    Thank you. Thank you David.

    You actually made me laugh, yes, out loud,
    with #24…

    More like a bubbly guffaw actually…

  10. I think that you will rule the world…and your kingly coat will be made from kitty fur. Just do something about those eyes…they are freaking me out, too. And I love me some coffee but in no way am I am dumbass. The whore part? Well, we all have our price, now, don’t we?

  11. kat says:

    i thought cupid was the best fucking television show ever.

  12. Bre says:

    I’ve never had to get that kind of thing done to my eyes… and now I’m pretty grateful.

    As for the starbucks idiot, well… I’m really sad that her windows were up – she deserved to hear it!

  13. Jeff says:

    I’ve had the “dialation drops” more times than I care to remember. I always feel like a vampire who has been exposed to the sun as I writher in pain from the solar laser beams that are piercing my retinas. I’ve learned to bring the darkest sunglasses I own to my eye doctor visits now.

  14. Dave2 says:

    Mooselet… Their cheese looks delicious, but I wonder if it contains rennet? I try to eat rennet-free cheese in order to maintain my vegetarian diet, and Tillamook is one of the few cheeses I’ve found which uses other enzymes to make cheese. And even though I find it difficult to believe that I could ever think of Tillamook as “play-doh,” I’ll look for it the next time I’m at the store and give it a whirl, so thanks!

    Nancycle… You only say that because you know I like you and it wouldn’t be YOUR car that I take a dump on while I FLOAT!! :-)

    Hot Coffee Girl… There is nothing wrong with being a whore… I am a Certified Apple Whore and proud of it! The problem, as you note, is when the person in question is a DUMBASS whore (Jared the Subway Sandwich whore, for example). Then they just need to die. I should really start a dumbass extermination jihad.

    Kat… You are absolutely correct! Cupid was the best f#@%ing television show ever… until the bastards at ABC cancelled it! The least they could do is release it on DVD. With Jeremy Piven winning and Emmy for Entourage you think they would jump at the chance!

    Bre… REALLY? I thought that they couldn’t thoroughly check the health of your eyes unless they dilated them?? How else can they shine a bright light inside and have your eye stay open? I dunno. Maybe there’s a new method I’m not aware of?

    Jeff… I have pretty dark glasses, but I was still driving with squinted eyes and tears streaming down my face. Next time I think I’ll just wrap a blindfold around my head and drive home using The Force!! :-)

  15. ms. sizzle says:

    i HATE having my eyes dilated even more than i hate that puff-of-air machine they do to your eyeballs. ack! can you please put a video camera in your car so we can SEE these tirades. they are very inspirational. :)

  16. Miss Britt says:

    I am concerned for your health and well being. what kind of a fucking idiot eye doctor lets you drive home with your eyes dialated??

  17. Dave2 says:

    Ms. Sizzle… Now, do you really want to see video of me whining and ranting like a little bitch?? Even I don’t want to see that!! :-)

    Miss Britt… I thought that all eye doctors let you drive home if you’ve got sunglasses?? I always have. Once I even forgot my sunglasses, and they gave me a freaky disposable pair so I could get home. It’s not a big deal… just a little uncomfortable. :-(

  18. Eve says:

    I can totally relate to #12. I’m actually hoping that Rufus shows up today, it’d help me out a lot right now.

  19. good for you! sometimes i wish I had a speaker on the outside of my car and a microphone inside so I could REALLY tell people off!

  20. Laurence says:

    #10… Mmmmmmmmmmmm
    Ristorante La Caravella… Mmmmmmmmmmmmm :-)

  21. Mrs RW says:

    Just had an eye checkup. Next time ask if they’re doing the digital imaging of the eye yet. Really cool. Spits out a perfect picture of the inside of your eye (blood vessels, retina, etc.). What is really cool is that instead of the doc trying to write down a description of what he sees for future reference, he(she) can just compare pictures. Way more accurate and no dilated pupils to boot. It cost $25 (which insurance doesn’t cover yet) but my pupils were thankful.

  22. Kapha says:

    Heh – I think you mistook my cheese reply as coming from Mooselet. ;)

    I checked up on the rennet issue because I don’t care for cheeses that use it and here’s the answer in their FAQ (in short they do *not* use rennet in the Raw Sharp Cheddar nor in most of their cheeses):

    Does Organic Valley use animal rennet to make our Organic Cheese?

    Most cheese production requires the enzyme rennet to coagulate milk into curd. Organic Valley uses “microbial coagulants” in all but two of our organic cheeses instead of animal rennet. Using microbial coagulants allows us to serve the strict needs of vegetarians. Microbial coagulants are produced by a controlled fermentation process. Although Organic Valley uses “microbial coagulants” in our Blue Cheese Crumbles and Romano Cheese instead of animal rennet, we also use a lipase enzyme derived from calf stomach in creating their flavor profile, making the Romano in our Italian Blend, and our Blue Cheese Crumbles our only non-vegetarian cheeses.

    I love the ingredient list for this cheese:

    Ingredients: Organic Cultured Unpasteurized Milk, Salt, Enzymes.

    Cheddar cheese is a firm, cows-milk cheese named after the town in England where it originated. During processing, the cheese curd is cut into small pieces, or “cheddared.” Our Cheddar cheese is white, because we add no artificial colors-all you taste is the good flavor cheddar-lovers expect. Our cheddar cheese is so good, in fact, it’s won several awards from the American Cheese Society!

    More info in their Cheese FAQ.

  23. Dave2 says:

    Eve… Rufus could totally take me back to tell myself how cool I turn out in the future!

    Dawn… But then people would shoot guns at your car. I think I’d rather scream in private and keep my car bullet-hole free! :-)

    Laurence… Really? Have you been to Ristorante La Caravella?? I have only read about it, and have never been myself. :-(

    Mrs. RW… COOOOOOL!! I so totally want a picture of the inside of my eye! Though, I don’t know if we get that kind of fancified high-fallutin’ machines in my neck of the woods!

    Kapha… Waaahhh… I looked at the BEGINNING of your post where you mentioned Mooselet and got cunfuzed! :-) I am definitely trying your cheese recommendation now because I loves me the rennet-free cheese!

  24. The Chad says:

    my eye doctor has a new machine that can take a picture of the inside of your eye, removing the need to dialate them. it rocks.

  25. Wayne Hall says:

    To me, the Dilated Dave pic almost reminds me the character in Sin City played by Frodo. Just make the glasses shiny gold/silverish and paint on a permanent demented smile and you’re there.

    *shudders*

    Man, that guy is creepy.

    Shoot, now that I think about it, with your skills you could probably DaveToon-ify the entire cast of that movie.

  26. nicole says:

    I cannot stand to have my eyes dilated.
    The first time I can remember it happening was when I was five years old and they had to physically restrain me because it burned my eyes.
    I feel your pain.

  27. jess says:

    There’s drops to reverse it, wow i wish i had that right now. This is driving me nuts! Its been dilated for about five hours now.

  28. *lynne* says:

    heyya dave – fyi I stole yr dilated image, used here. Hope the links/credit are sufficient :)

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