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Exorcist

Posted on Monday, June 25th, 2007

Dave!I think my home is haunted.

For weeks now, I've been having terrible problems keeping track of stuff. Tonight I set down the television remote control, left the room to get another serving of chocolate pudding for dinner, then came back and the remote is gone. GONE I SAY!! After searching for a good ten minutes, I finally gave up my search so I wouldn't go insane. The bad news is that I'm then forced to watch The 700 Club because I don't know how to change the channel without the remote.

But then it gets weird...

Choco Taco

I leave the room again so I can get a Choco Taco for dessert and, when I return, THE TV REMOTE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WHERE I LEFT IT THE LAST TIME WHEN I WENT FOR CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!

Cue the "doo doo DOO doo - doo doo DOO doo" music...

Ghosties

The only logical conclusion I can draw is that I have ghosts.

Malicious, sadistic ghosts who force me to watch The 700 Club!

If there's any better evidence that Pat Robertson is a tool of the devil (and Karl Rove), I don't want to know about it...

Patrobertsonslayer

So now I have to perform a ghost exorcism.

My list of exorcism supplies to buy at Target tomorrow after work...

I also have to paint a pentagram on my carpet, but I've already got a can of Easy Cheese in the cupboard, so I don't need to buy any spray paint.

Wish me luck!


Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Amanda says:

    Pat Robertson is a tool alright… Oh, where do you get your goat’s blood? My usual place has been out the past few times…

  2. bogup says:

    Whatever you do, do not put your hand on the TV set and pray with Pat Robertson to drive out demons. The next thing that could happen could be a whole lot worse than losing your remote control. For examples, you could end up holding a deck of cards and playing strip poker, wearing very strange 3-D glasses, or opening a hotel door only to find a husband holding an ice bucket asking for his wife. Believe me things could get bad, so stop while you are ahead, and buy a second remote. Besides it’s harder to lose two of em.

  3. Bec says:

    Okay that’s just creepy… So it’s either a ghost or you’re losing your mind. Looking at the evidence of recent posts it’s clearly time for some Latin.

  4. Belinda says:

    Am I the one who turned you on to the Choco-Taco? Either that, or we just discussed it, when I was seeking suitable revenge on you for giving me that cheesy fiesta potatoes lifetime jones.

  5. Suzanne says:

    Mmmmm, Choco Taco! Yum! YUM, I SAY!!

  6. Sheila says:

    “I also have to paint a pentagram on my carpet, but I’ve already got a can of Easy Cheese in the cupboard, so I don’t need to buy any spray paint.”

    And, it makes for a tastey clean up later! Yum!

  7. minimi says:

    Cmon Dave, you haven’t even considered alternative causes! What about alzheimers? Have you considered that Dave, or did you forget? Denial is only a river in Egypt…

  8. serap says:

    Good luck Dave… although, are you 100% sure you weren’t carrying the remote around with you the whole time? I’m not trying to say you’re old or crazy or anything… but things like that do happen to the erm, sleep deprived!

  9. RW says:

    Escaping everyone’s attention is the question why was the 700 Club on in the first place?

    Dave2. A closet 700 Clubber?

    It’s the end of the fucking world!

  10. kapgar says:

    Exactly how does an egg scrambler play into the rites of exorcism as dictated by the Catholic church? Why don’t I remember Father Merrin carrying one?

  11. Avitable says:

    Just be warned. When you wake up in the middle of the nights, and your sheets are sticky, that’s not ectoplasm!

  12. You, sir, just ain’t right in the head. Maybe it’s the sugar content in your diet. On the plus side (I actually typed “size” rather than “side” there on the first go ’round. Can you say Freudian? Because “plus sized” would be me if I tried to follow in your footsteps.), from comparing your pictures NOW to the ones of you from years ago that you showed us recently, it obviously has done YOU some good.

    Which is just so not fair. I bet you don’t even exercise do you, you Easy-Cheese-spraying-to-ward-off-demons-n-ghosties,, puddin’-eatin-for-your-main-meal…goram nerf herder!

  13. Bre says:

    Perhaps too much chocolate made you more succeptible to the ghosts?

  14. Jeff says:

    I was going to ask why you included a Girls Gone Wild DVD but then I remembered that GGW is good for any event!

  15. MRKisThatKid says:

    I believe that remote control teasing is the first trick that trainee ghosts are taught as part of their hunting degree.

    I lose at least one of my remotes every single day and it ALWAYS turns up where I first looked.

    My local ghost is called Philip.

  16. sizzle says:

    maybe you have split personality disorder? heh.

    i am not even going to touch the topic of your “meal.” ;)

  17. Tracy says:

    Mmmmm….Choco Taco! Love ’em.

  18. ADW says:

    Why did I think it was pig’s bloog tht was needed? And I thought every good spell needed eye of newt. They have that on Ebay.

  19. ~jtm says:

    What aisle in Target is the goats blood… I’m fresh out.

  20. Dave2 says:

    Amanda… If Target doesn’t have it, you don’t need it! :-)

    Bogup… I think that two remotes would only anger the ghosts. They’d probably permanently switch my television to FOX News for that kind of thing. The horror!

    Bec… Fortunately my “Exorcism for Amateurs” book has all the Latin phrasing spelled out phonetically…

    Belinda… I dunno. I’ve been eating Choco Tacos for entirely too long now. They simply cannot be good for you with all that chocolatey goodness inside.

    Suzanne… Yes. It’s hard to beat a Choco Taco in the pre-frozen dessert arena.

    Sheila… Well, if you don’t mind carpet fuzz in your Easy Cheese, I guess it’s okay. I plan on renting a dog.

    Minimi… These problems only seem to happen in my home. Everywhere else things don’t keep mysteriously disappearing on me. Ergo: GHOSTS!!

    Serap… I don’t think so… it takes two hands to open a Choco Taco without crushing it. So, unless the remote was unknowingly clenched between my butt-cheeks, I’m sticking with ghosts.

    RW… Oh no. I was flicking through channels trying to find something to watch (repeats are the worst!). It was all commercials at the top-of-the-hour, so that’s when I decided to go for additional pudding. I’m guessing my channel surfing landed on “The 700 Club”… but it’s not unreasonable to assume that the ghosts turned the channel there before they scurried off with the remote.

    Kapgar… Silly Kapgar! I’m not using Catholic church rules… I’d have thought that the pentagram would have made that pretty clear… I am using the SLAYER METHOD of exorcism!

    Avitable… Yeah, I hate it when I fall asleep while eating a Choco Taco and get it melted all over the sheets.

    Librarian… No. Unless you call getting out of bed each morning “excercise.”

    Bre… I’d think that ghost would indeed dislike chocolate because of the stains it would make on their ectoplasm… so that’s a possibility.

    Jeff… Ghosts are apparently afraid of Girls Going Wild?

    MRK… I haven’t named my ghosts. I’m worried that I might become attached to them if I give them a name, then I won’t have the heart to exorcise them from my home.

    Sizzle… If it makes you feel any better, I had a carrot stick for lunch. Sure it was drenched in ranch dressing, but it WAS still a carrot. At least I think that there was still a carrot in all that dressing. It’s possible that I lost the carrot in the dressing and just ate ranch dressing.

    Tracy… So long as you don’t look at the Nutrition Facts, Choco Taco is awesome!

    ADW… I think that’s for witch spells?

    JTM… They usually stock it next to the washing detergent, but last time I was in Target they had moved it to the “home decorating aisle.” Kind of an odd place for goat’s blood, but I guess some designers are quite progressive now-a-days.

  21. Hilly says:

    Perhaps it’s the universe trying to tell you something like….eat some veggies with all that chocolatey goodness ;).

  22. Rosemary says:

    Oh, man. There are so many things in this post I want to comment on, but since is my first time here I’ll limit myself to this: I am totally having chocolate pudding for dinner tonight.

  23. Erik B. says:

    Your Target has goats blood!?! My local store doesn’t carry it. Lucky. An exorcism is incomplete without it. I hear moose jelly is a sufficient replacement, however. My Target DOES carry that.

    One thing I do think you should do, Dave, is check under your bed. Sock goblins are twisted and may be trying to trick you into the 700 Club viewing. But wait, isn’t the 700 Club good for a chuckle?

  24. Firda says:

    I think it might be the ghost of Jerry Falwell haunting you…

  25. Oh hell no. I’d have thrown my television out if I was forced to watch the 700 Club. Though it can be a stress reliever if you have a couple of few (lol) gin and tonics, and then turn it on just so you can yell obscenities are the ridiculousness of the people on there.

    I mean. That is what I’ve heard. ~cough~

  26. Rick says:

    Dammit! I thought I had all the Girls Gone Wild videos!

  27. Dave2 says:

    Hilly… But veggies don’t taste good in chocolate! I defy you to find me a chocolate-covered celery stick that tastes good! :-D

    Rosemary… Chocolate pudding rules. I had it for breakfast this morning!

    Erik… I used to find The 700 Club highly amusing… but as Pat Robertson has grown more and more outrageous and hateful, I hardly laugh anymore. :-(

    Firda… And what did I do to deserve THAT? :-)

    KG… I dunno. Even drunk I want to reach into the screen and rip Pat Robertson’s hateful, blasphemous, idiotic head off.

    Rick… That Doggy Style Girls Gone Wild with Snoop Dog always seems to get overlooked. It’s a pity, because Snoop knows how to get the girls going wild! :-P

  28. RW says:

    I dunno… seems like an awfully convoluted explanation to me.

  29. Baak says:

    Let’s see… we have too much sugar/caffeine and too little sleep on one side; Lil’ Dave and Bad Monkey Ghosts on the other.

    I’d say it’s got to be the ghosts!

  30. You forgot the twinkie extract in your ghost-warding off crusade. NEVER forget the twinkie extract.

  31. Jeff says:

    Does anyone remember an old TV episode (I’m thinking Twilight Zone possibly) where little people from another dimension would constantly move your stuff around when you weren’t looking – and then put it back. But sometimes when you couldn’t find your stuff (like Dave’s remote) it was because they didn’t put your stuff back in time.

    Please tell me I’m not imagining this – cause I already think I’m crazy as it is.

  32. joy says:

    Wow, you really like chocolate.

  33. Wayne says:

    All of this is due to Mercury being in retrograde… (look it up)

  34. tori says:

    You are just way too funny!

    You also brought back some memories for me because the last time I had a choco taco was in college when my now husband and I stole a bunch of them and stuck them in my dorm room freezer. Too bad for us that someone drunkenly tripped over the cord and unplugged the refrigerator, so we ended up with a huge mess. Drunken tacos are the best. Perhaps your ghosts would not be harmful if you offered them some of your chocolate.

  35. Lewis says:

    Numerous thoughts here….and they’re not pretty. Target will probably not have Girls Gone Wild. But I’ve got something similar (simular, as Bushie would say) in my collection…you want it?????? They may carry GGW over near the cat food aisle. ChocoTaco…really? Chocolate pudding…..really? You do need to visit for dinner a little more often. Or at least make sure you’re taking a multi vitamin each day (maybe twice a day for you). Having watched Pat Robertson (ala Karl or the Devil), I can attest to the strangeness of spirit, shall we say. I was going to say that it can actually get worse than PR…but now that Falwell is gone, I’m not so sure.

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