This morning when I left for work, my crazy old neighbors were outside screaming at each other again. I'm long past the point of finding their fights amusing... now I just find them embarrassing and annoying. Their arguments never gets physical (they're just too old for that kind of nonsense) but they can sure dish out the verbal abuse like nobody's business.
Except they yell so loudly that it's actually everybody's business.
At first I heard them screaming about what sounded like a screen door problem of some kind, but the topic changed as I made my way across the parking lot...
OLD WOMAN: ... and I was not put on this earth to clean up after you!
OLD MAN: I don't know what you're talking about! I clean up after myself!
OLD WOMAN: NOT WHEN YOU DON'T FLUSH THE TOILET!!
OLD MAN: I FLUSH THE GAWD-DAMN TOILET!!
OLD WOMAN: WELL, THERE'S CRAP IN THE STOOL, AND IT AIN'T MINE!!
OLD MAN: I FLUSH THE TOILET!!
OLD WOMAN: IF YOU FLUSHED THE TOILET, I WOULDN'T BE LOOKING AT YOUR CRAP IN THE STOOL!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM!!
OLD MAN: THEN WHY DON'T YOU FLUSH THE GAWD-DAMN TOILET AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT IT!!
Awwwww! Old people can be so cute sometimes!
I'm dying to know how long they've been married. If it's anything less than 50 years, I'm going to be gravely disappointed.
And speaking of crap...
Yesterday I tore my home apart looking for my dongle. In the process, I seem to have now lost my camera's battery charger. I guess this means I'll be tearing everything apart AGAIN so I can try to find it in the morning.
That aught to put me in a good mood for the day.
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My wife and I have the same argument. Only not loud and not in public. You’ll be old and married someday.
Whoa- Dan and I have to be married another 25 years before our fights are “cute.”
That’s a long time.
Dan’s no spring chicken, you know.
Couldn’t I just pull his pants up under his armpits now, and we could fake it?
I think this calls for a Blogger Reorganization of Dave’s Place Party! We’ll get your shit in order.
It’s hell to lose a dongle. I’ve been looking for my rimstrammer for ages. I think it’s gronked.
Hey, poop is SERIOUS business. what I hate is the fact that guys can’t seem to get ALL the pee into the toilet. They pee all over the floor. What’s UP with that?
Could be worse.
Your dongle could be in the neighbor’s toilet.
Side note: I nominate this entry for 2008’s Blogger Choice Awards if they have a category for Best Use of Technorati Tags Dongle, Crap and Toilet.
If you ever hear even one whisper of me having this argument just come and fucking shoot me.
Old people fighting is awesome when they’re horribly insulting to each other but still love each other. That only happens in the movies, though.
Do people in your area call toilets, stools? Not what wasnt flushed but the actual toilet?
Old people crack me up. They have the same arguments young people have, only they’ve stopped caring about who hears.
Like the couple in Walmart the other day that were arguing about paper towels…the woman was like “yeah well if you buy the cheap ones you have to use twice as many”. I swear that same sentence has come out of my mouth.
Sounds like you need to visit the container store, or something, to get organized!
Yeah, my spouse flushes, but sometimes his poo makes toilet skid marks. Me? I clean that up as soon as I see it’s there. Getting him to do the same? Nada.
But, we don’t go out into the cul-de-sac and yell about it. I just glare at him over his Quaker Oatmeal Squares during breakfast.
I thought old people got all dreamy and cute and hand holdey??
Shit, that’s what I’ve been holding out for. I might as well just quit now.
Oh yeah, the fights get to be less about where you squeeze the toothpaste and move on into the lovely area of crap, dumps, when, and how often. Myhubby’s parents are at 58 years together and you wouldn’t believe their conversations.
It makes me ponder why these old fogies feel compelled to make their neighbors informed about their disagreements — or maybe they are just oblivious.
Then again, maybe they read your blog and are trying to be helpful with topics…
Let’s see: a post about having an abundance of old electronics in your closet, then two posts in a row about not being able to find other electronic devices… I’m seeing a pattern here.
I think you need a personal assistant to keep track of your stuff.
They sound like my parents.
And this is exactly why I will NEVER get married again ;o)
Maybe you’ll eventually learn to live in controlled chaos. I did.
Now that’s love.
I thought the stuff in the toilet was called stool, not the actual toilet itself. I have learned something new today… which I probably could have lived my whole life happily not knowing.
They’re old people. She should be glad his crap gets into the toilet instead of in his Depends.
Sadly, I think this is exactly where my parents are heading. My dad is hard of hearing (but won’t admit it), so all of their conversations are WAY too loud. Add that to the fact that they bicker incessantly, and they will be yelling about their bathroom issues in public before I know it. Awesome.
I’m with Turnbaby on this one. The day I start arguing about poop in the toilet is the day I die a little inside.
The old couple reminds me of that scene in Mel Brooks’ “High Anxiety” where he needs to get past airport security so, he and Madeleine Kahn disguise themselves as an old Jewish couple who bitch, kvetch, and generally make themselves loud and obnoxious. Consequently, the Security people can’t get rid of them soon enough and shoo them right on thru. Living in NYC I’ve seen this enough that it made me laugh so hard, I nearly peed!
Heh, you said “dongle.”