If you want to know why I will never, ever, ever purchase another product from HP, it's explained in an extended entry. Never before have I been treated so badly by so many. It's not very entertaining, but it is critical read if you are ever considering buying something from Hewlett Packard. But don't be too depressed for me... I've kept the call open on their toll-free support line and am running up quite a phone bill for them.
Apparently revenge is a dish best served long distance.
Speaking of idiots though, I finally got to watch my DVD of Idiocracy this morning...
It's by Mike Judge (who also created the brilliant Office Space) and was never given a theatrical release by 20th Century Fox for some reason. It's a pretty good flick in its own right, but fell way short of my lofty expectations... still, it's better than a lot of the crap in theaters, so I remain vexed by Fox's decision.
Anyway, Luke Wilson gets frozen for 500 years and wakes up in the future where everybody is stupid (the most popular show on television is Ow! My Balls! and fast food corporations rule the earth). Apparently this was because complete morons cluttered up the gene pool and eventually won out. Given today's events with HP, it seems like science-fact rather than science-fiction.
If you keep your expectations in check, don't compare it to Office Space, and want a few laughs, then Idiocracy is worth a rent.
Now back to your regularly-scheduled rant over the dumbasses at HP...
Way back in September, I ordered a Hewlett Packard Photosmart Pro B9180 printer. It's an okay printer... kind of middle-of-the-road for this class... that produces decent archival-quality prints. But my problem is not with the printer, it's with HP's "Home & Home Office" online store.
The day after I received my printer, I went to HP's site to order inks and paper. Sure I could get it cheaper elsewhere, but they boast about their "Total Care Service & Support" so I decide that's good enough for me. The paper their web site sold me is "HP Premium Plus Photo Satin", as shown in this screen cap...
When I received my order, HP had generously included some 4x6 packs of Premium Plus paper from a promotion. Wanting to see what my printer could do, I ran through the 4x6 freebies and got terrible, terrible results. I then contact HP support thinking that there was something wrong with the printer. They instead told me that the "Premium Plus" paper was to be used only for dye-based printers, and wouldn't work on a pigment-based printer like my 9180. Apparently the web site was in error, and shouldn't have sold me the paper.
So I immediately call HP support to arrange for a return of the wrong paper and place a new order for the correct paper. I am told that I will be issued a return label via email within a day. In the meanwhile, I send the above screen-cap to online support to let them know that their site had an error.
Two days go by, and I still don't have the email with the return label. I call again, they apologize for the error, and take all my information. I am told that they will try to set something up by mailing me a label. I note that HP has still not corrected their web site, and fire off yet another email to them.
Now it's November. No email return label. Nothing has arrived in the mail. I call HP for a third time and explain the situation. They apologize profusely and promise to get the situation resolved. I wait and wait. In the meanwhile I am still emailing tech support because they have the wrong information on their site.
December. I am working too much to be bothered with trying to figure out why my return has not been processed. I do note during my frequent ordering that their web site has finally been fixed, however.
And now today. I call AGAIN. They tell me that they cannot accept returns after 21 days. Never-mind that I have been trying to return this paper from day 2.
I ask to get transfered to a supervisor. She steadfastly refuses to accept the return. She also lets me know that the original return label request was found, but was cancelled. Unfortunately, she cannot tell me who cancelled it or why. By now I am starting to get agitated. It's been twenty minutes, and still nothing has been resolved over a situation that is entirely HP's fault. I am put on hold why she speaks to her supervisor. When she comes back, she's still refusing. Furthermore, she refuses to "go back and forth" with her supervisor... and then LAUGHS AT ME when I refuse to accept this ass-hattery.
Now I am totally enraged. I demand to speak with her supervisor. After listening to my story, I am transferred again. This time I get somebody who actually seems to want to help. He politely listens to my story, puts me on hold forever (but tries to check back so I know I haven't been forgotten). Ultimately, he comes back and says that HP simply will not accept the return, no matter who he talks to.
By this time, I am ballistic. I've now been on the phone for an hour to return a $50 package of paper.
Still more being put on hold. Still more being told that they will not refund after 21 days. The best they can do is offer my a coupon for $25. Still another request to speak to a supervisor.
At one hour and 21 minutes, all I hear is static on the line. I figure that I've been blown off, but since the connection is still established, I just put my phone on speaker and let it sit there since it was a toll-free call. Who knows, maybe I will just let it sit off the hook for a few days and run up a few hundred dollars on their phone bill. Oooh look... I'm at an hour and thirty minutes now...
I wonder how long HP's phone system will keep a connection? This could get kind of expensive for them after a few days. Oh well, they told me to hold... I'm just doing what they told me.
I figure I could go through all of this again tomorrow (assuming my phone isn't still holding), but I really don't have the time. I'm pretty sure this is what HP expects to happen... give you the run-around until you give up. So now I am stuck with a $50 box of paper that I can't use.
Between my eternal phone call (that they have to pay for) and warning people not to buy HP products, maybe it's a fair trade? I can't decide. All I can say is that this is the last $50 that HP "Home & Home Office" will ever see from me again. I may be stuck having to buy HP ink for my new printer, but I won't be buying anything else from a company where supervisors of supervisor's supervisors can't even take care of a problem that their own records show was their fault in the first place.
What I REALLY want to do is sue HP in small claims court! HP Corporate is located in Palo Alto, which is kind of cool. After my court appearance I can drive up to San Francisco for fortune cookies! Sweet! I wonder how I would go about doing that? If nothing else, I'd get something new to blog about. HP sucks ass.
Hmmm... since they really DO suck ass, I should let Google searchers know this...
I strongly dislike Hewlett Packard. HP sucks. Hewlett Packard sucks ass. Don't buy HP. Don't buy from the ass-hats at Hewlett Packard. HP can lick my balls. Hewlett Packard has awful customer service. HP blows donkey. I was anally raped by Hewlett Packard (metaphorically speaking). I would prefer to be anally raped by HP than buy one of their products. Hewlett Packard kills puppies (at least I assume so after the way I've been treated). Does HP anally rape puppies? I'm guessing the answer is yes! Buy from Hewlett Packard and get fucked (but not in a good way). What do I love about HP? Nothing! HP fucked me and all I got was a $25 coupon! Hewlett Packard blows. Hey! HP both sucks and blows, which is pretty nifty trick. Eh, I'm bored coming up with crappy things to say about HP...
UPDATE: Still holding at 2 hours and 20 minutes now! I hope HP has a good rate plan with their long distance carrier.
UPDATE: Waaaah! I had to use my phone and had to cut the call just before the 5-hour mark! Bummer.