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Posted on Monday, March 10th, 2008

Dave!Before I forget, a big thank you to Mr. Fabulous for letting me guest-host his talk show! If you missed it, you can still have a listen by heading over to the Pointless Drivel LIVE Archives. Please note that portions of the show are NSFW, and may not be suitable for children. Okay, I lie, it's definitely not suitable for children. Or anybody else for that matter. Listen at your own risk.

This morning I overheard a conversation where a woman was going on about how great things were in "the good ol' days." You know... the days when everybody would get together and sing songs and take sleigh rides for fun.

At the time I heard it, I was thinking that such lame activities sounded like sheer torture.

But then I changed my mind.

Because when I got home and was reading through my Marvel Comics Archives while eating dinner, I saw some ads that actually make "the good ol' days" look pretty cool. And it all starts with monkeys...

Monkeys by Mail!

Apparently, you could ship monkeys through the mail in the good ol' days. This worried me at first, but since they "guarantee live delivery" I guess this means they ship you out a fresh one if you get a dead monkey in your mail box. Sweet! But sometimes a monkey alone isn't enough to impress the ladies. Fortunately, you're covered...

Sexy Look!

Genius! But what do you do if a monkey and paste-on facial hair is not enough to be a hit with women? The answer is at hand...



With mad hypnotism skills you can make the girls fall madly in love with you. That sounds like a lot less work than the alternative...

Crash Diet!



Of course, once you've got yourself a woman, you've got to keep her entertained, right?


And don't worry ladies, if comic reading, monkey-packing, facial-hair-wearing, accordion-playing, hypnotizing guys start hitting on you, there's an ad for you as well...


But my favorite ads are those placed by Grit Magazine...

Grit Magazine!

Grit Magazine!

Grit Magazine!

Of course, in this day-and-age, advertisements soliciting dandy young boys with promises of swell money would get you in big, big trouble... but it was a different time back then. A simpler, more innocent time.

A better time.

I mean, come on... dude! Monkeys by mail!

It sure beats stealing them from the local zoo...

Categories: DaveLife 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. Tracy says:

    I’d totally want a monkey by mail…a really, really BAD monkey!

  2. delmer says:

    Make one to five dollars a week. Sweet!

    I delivered TV Guide when I was 12 or so. I pedaled a bike all over town for something just over $2.00.

    You didn’t run across an ad for a really cool submarine did you? I think it was $6.95 and might have been big enough for two boys.

  3. Winter says:

    Heh, the amazing diet pill was prolly speed. Yeah, it was a MUCH simpler time then. LOL

  4. Those were the days when I could paralyze a 200lb man with flick of my finger and still giggle about it. *sigh* good times.

  5. Stacey says:

    Dunno, might have to order me up some of that yubiwaza. I don’t share lollipops. grrr…

  6. Iron Fist says:

    NOOOO!! You totally gave away my secret! Now everyone will know I have paste-on sideburns!

  7. seewhy says:

    So… learn hypnotism and be popular AND wanted? Amazing stuff. Thanks for the giggles 🙂

  8. Penelope says:

    A romantic new look? With stick on side-burns, beard and moustache?! Be still my beating heart!

  9. Mr. Fabulous says:

    I don’t understand how a mail order monkey business doesn’t become a wild and unqualified success…

  10. kapgar says:

    My childhood could’ve been so much better if only I’d known about Grit. Dammit.

    Why do I feel like that paralyzing a man with one finger ad should feature Sean Connery holding up his thumb a la The Presidio?

  11. RW says:

    I was hoping to see the “100s of toy soldiers” recreating the entire Revolutionary War for a buck one.

  12. Michelle says:

    Oh man, now I want my own bad monkey. The only monkeys they sold in magazines when I was a kid were sea monkeys….. and boy were they disappointing.

  13. serap says:

    The ‘ugly blackheads out’ ad just completely put me off my lunch!

  14. Miss Britt says:

    Sleigh rides are not lame! They are MAGICAL!

    (I am totally serious.)

  15. ChillyWilly says:

    “I guess this means they ship you out a fresh one if you get a dead monkey in your mail box. Sweet!”

    Reminds me of the South Park episode “Hooked On Monkey Phonics”

    And speaking of remembering, all of my comics had those cool ads. I never sold Grit, but I did order some of the cool magic tricks and a whoopie cushion from the ads. Those were the good ol’ days.

  16. sizzle says:

    Yubiwaza, yeah, I teach that in my classes! But with the inflation, it costs more than 99 cents, sadly.


  17. Avitable says:

    Do you think the monkey place is still in business? I’ll send my money now!

  18. Hilly Sue says:

    I wonder if American Image Corp will still take my dollar for that amazing overnight diet plan? I think a dollar is more than enough to pay for a miracle.

  19. Dar says:

    What happens if I get a defective monkey?

    If the monkey is bad, am I allowed to spank it?

  20. Kyra says:

    Of course, what scares me the most is that the “good Ol’ days” are still in full swing here. But the whole sleigh ride/song thing isn’t that bad… especially since the locals are heavily into hard hot cider.

  21. Wayne says:

    I’m a big fan of reminiscing. Why just the other day I was thinking about just the other day.

  22. Dave2 says:

    Tracy… Be careful what you wish for. My monkey parties all hours of the night and throws his feces at the walls.

    Delmer… Dude, I know! Just think about what I could do with $5 a week! No submarine though. That’s really too bad, because I’ve been thinking about starting a navy.

    Winter… Yes, I fondly remember the days of being able to order illicit substances through the mail! And monkeys… can’t forget about the monkeys.

    CK… I’ll bet you’ve still got the touch! Next time I’m in Hong Kong, I’m definitely hiring you out as my tour guide/body guard!

    Stacey… What’s really odd here is that “yubizawa” translates into something like “finger technique,” which leads me to believe that this information would be useful in all kinds of situations!

    Iron Fist… REALLY? But they’re so realistic! I would have never known if you hadn’t told me! I gotta get me a pair of those! I’m willing to bet that I am very sexy with sideburns.

    Seewhy… It won’t be a laughing matter when somebody approaches with a monkey, $5, and an accordion… then hypnotizes you to do his bidding! 🙂

    Penelope… I KNOW! Can you just picture how hot I would be wearing all that on my face? I mean, I’m hot now, but I’d go super nova if I get my hands on a pair of paste-on sideburns!

    Mr Fabulous… I’m thinking new postal regulations?

    Kapgar… Yes, Sean Connery had obviously read the yubizawa pamphlet before that flick!

    RW… Wha-? That sounds much better than the crummy bucket of green army men I had as a kid!

    Michelle… Yeah, they never looked all cool like they did in the photos… they just looks like shrimp! What a rip-off that turned out to be!

    Serap… So THAT’S how the overnight diet works!

    Miss Britt… I’ve been on exactly one sleigh ride. I was bored because my horse was slow. Maybe if I was in a sleigh behind a horse at the Kentucky Derby, it would have been more fun for me!

    Chilly Willy… The practical joke section always looked so amazing, but when the stuff showed up, it was total crap! I guess, in retrospect, that was actually pretty funny in itself.

    Rick… I had a pair and they were a total scam! Shame on those who prey on perverts like me who want to use X-Ray Specs for lewd and invasive purposes!!

    Sizzle… But, on the other hand, you can paralyze a man weighing 200 pounds!

    Avitable… Or just drive down and check them out… they’re in Miami Beach!

    Hilly… I’m going to have to start selling my own miracles. But I’m afraid that I’ll have to charge slightly more than $1 for my services!

    Kyra… Yes, but riding around in a sleigh pulled by a horse drunk on hard cider is unsafe!

    Wayne… Just think of the memories you’ll have tomorrow!

  23. Avitable says:

    Good idea. I love the new comment subscription option! Although it doesn’t stay checked if you come back to the same post to leave another comment.

  24. Dave2 says:

    Hmmm… I dunno how that is supposed to work. If it set browser cookies to remember every entry you subscribe to, that would be a lot of cookies if you comment much!

    Though I’d think that it would just keep you subscribed to comments once you check it the first time, so there wouldn’t be a need to keep re-checking it? Unless you unsubscribe, it should keep sending updates. I should probably play around with it more…

  25. Hilly Sue says:

    I too am digging on the comments by email. I love the fact that there is an unsubscribe feature too, especially because everyone loves you and you roll around naked in comments ;).

  26. Gina says:

    I am listening to the show now. At work. I am a rebel. Yes I am. Muahaha! (LOL)

    Love your Twitters btw.

  27. Me thinks the crash diet pill fails to mention you’ll be on the crapper all night with raging Montezuma’s revenge. THAT’S how you lose the five pounds overnight.

  28. Oh my gosh, those ads are high-larious!

  29. Ah the good old days. When one could beat up the grit selling boy without fear.

  30. John says:

    There’s a terrific book called, “The Good Ole Days…They Were Terrible!” Lots of fun reading!

  31. yellojkt says:

    I always wanted to build a hovercraft. That would really impress the chicks.

  32. Dave2 says:

    Hilly Sue… You know me so well. I do indeed print out every comment on 32-lb. linen paper, pile them all up on my bed, then roll around in them naked. Doesn’t everybody?

    Gina… Not only is Pointless Drivel LIVE embraced in workplaces across the nation, but many companies give away free iPods to employees so they can subscribe to the show as a podcast on iTunes!!

    Granddaughter… Well, that would certainly do the trick! A trip to Tijuana for dinner would do the trick too! Be sure to drink the water!

    Bombshelll… High-larious? That brings back fond memories of Ross Perot! Where is he now that America really need him? 🙂

    Freelance Guru… It’s not as if the Grit Delivery Boys didn’t have it coming! Knock on my door selling newspapers will you!! 😀

    John… Bah! Without the internets, how could they have ever been good!

    Yellojkt… I remember that! You could order plans to build it using an old lawnmower motor! That would certainly be nifty!

  33. Jeff says:

    Those ads are awesome. I remember everyone of them from my Boy’s Life magazines too. Do they still publish that?

  34. Karl says:

    Ah, you’ve taken me back to my glorious comic-book-reading days in my teens. Great ads. I so want a monkey.

  35. Robert says:

    The Vacutex thing looks like something my parents tried on me when I was a teen. Mom took this syringe (without the needle) and literally tried to “vacuum” them out!

    Don’t think it worked.

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