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Sir

Posted on Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

Dave!I tend not to dwell upon the past, but every once in a while I look back in my life and become despondent over the things I've failed to achieve. Goals never met. Plans never realized. Potential never fulfilled.

I suppose I'm not unique in this regard. How many people can say their life has gone exactly as planned?

Though I'm probably harder on myself than most because my goals are set rather high. My ultimate goal, naturally, is to become ruler of the earth and all I survey. But I realize this is not something likely to happen overnight... certain "minor goals" will have to act as stepping stones towards world domination. Unfortunately, these goals (as of yet) have also gone unsatisfied.

Like becoming a Knight of the British Empire.

You laugh, but they gave that shit to Bill Gates for infesting the United Kingdom with his Microsoft Windows crap, so why not recognize me for infesting The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire with my Blogography crap? And, as if that weren't enough, I look damn fine wearing jewel-encrusted silver ornaments. I would totally be rocking that "Star of the Knight" medal, I tell you what...

Dave Medaled

And I have no doubt that Her Majesty The Queen and I could become bestest friends...

The Dave and The Queen

But, alas, no knighthood for me.

I was reminded of this failure as I was watching the wacky Barbara Walters host "The Royal Family" special on television last night. It was actually pretty good, but just makes me want to watch the original British documentary, Monarchy: The Royal Family at Work, upon which the Baba Wawa special was bastardized from.

In even further bad news, my Apple Time Capsule wireless backup drive arrived yesterday...

Empty Apple Box

But not really.

The box was completely empty.

When I got it, I noticed it was near-weightless, but I thought it might be software of some kind. After opening the box and finding nothing, I located the label from Apple, looked up the order number, and saw it was supposed to be my Time Capsule. After a long, convoluted call to Apple, they issued an insurance claim with FedEx and placed a new order. Unfortunately, this has added ten days to my delivery time, but oh well.

Perhaps I'll feel better about things if I were to knight myself.

Sir Dave2 sure does has a nice ring to it.


Categories: DaveLife 2008, DaveToons 2008Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Rick says:

    With all the globe-trotting you do, I assumed you already HAD world domination and were merely trotting to collect your tithes. On an unrelated note, I received what I THOUGHT was an empty box this weekend, even marked as such by the USPO, only to find my nearly weightless copy of the Marvel Comic Book Library Collector’s Edition #1! Excelsior!

  2. bogup says:

    >>certain “minor goals” will have to act as stepping stones towards world domination.
    I am positive that few here would mind being a “stepping stone” toward your ultimate goal(s). Go ahead and step on us. And … when you become a Knight we want to be your vassals. All hail, Sir Dave2!

  3. Whit says:

    To Sir, with love.

    Good luck with that shit.

  4. There was a 4 part documentary on inside Buckingham Palace last year. Maybe it was only 3 parts. ANYWAY, it was great. They showed how a state dinner is set up and just how they manage to get all the chairs and dishes in a row. Then Xmas carolers come to visit the Queen, how they set up a show etc. It was really fascinating.

  5. Penelope says:

    As a fully fledged English person who lives about 10 minutes away from where that picture of HM was taken I can *almost* knight you…can’t I?
    Arise Sir Dave2, Knight of the Realm!
    Also that picture, as you probably know, was taken by Annie Leibovitz and filmed during the documentary, Monarchy. It caused a shit storm because of the editing and caused the controller of BBC1 to resign!

  6. Hilly Sue says:

    I think adding “Sir” to your real name would have some sort of half-assed alliteration that would be beautimous! Alas, the likelihood is about as empty as that box, leaving me to say “WTF?” twice :).

  7. Avitable says:

    I’ll knight you.

    But it will be with my pink sword. Pink, fleshy sword.

  8. Neil T. says:

    Technically BillG got his knighthood for all of his work for charity, but he wouldn’t have had the money if it weren’t for Windoze, I suppose.

    And you can’t call yourself ‘Sir …’ if you’re not British – you’d have to be Dave2 KBE.

  9. No way! No time capsule? Crazy. I count on you to be the FIRST to report back on such things.

  10. delmer says:

    I’ve been promised things that have, ultimately, never arrived. But I’ve never actually been sent anything that’s never arrived. Apple certainly goes the extra step.

  11. Dave2 says:

    Rick… Those Marvel Libraries should be packed in jewel cases, in my humble opinion. DVD cases with a mass of cardboard around them is kind of a waste… but I guess it’s to look good on the shelf.

    Bogup… Well, the next time I have a puddle to cross, here’s hoping you’re around to throw down and step upon then! :-)

    Whit… Thanks! I need all the luck I can get! And nuclear weapons… does anybody have some nuclear weapons they could part with?

    Suzy… Might be the same show as “Monarchy” but I’m not sure. I’d guess that there are dozens of shows around the royals?

    Penelope… Yes, they showed bits of the Annie Leibovitz shoot in the program. I have to say, it was a fascinating insight into BOTH Annie and Her Majesty. The results, however, were stunning. The photo set was absolutely beautiful, and I’d hope the Queen was happy with them. They never much said.

    Hilly-Sue… Yeah, but “Sir Davey-Joe” is pretty spiffy… :-)

    Avitable… Just be careful you don’t get it in my ear.

    Neil… Wouldn’t others have to call me sir? Because that’s what I was talking about. As for the reason Gates got knighted, I actually researched that. What I found in the press release was that he was knighted for “his company having a profound impact on the British economy”… nothing about his charity work was mentioned. Of course, whether that was a positive or negative impact was not said!

    Bombshell… I KNOW! My reputation has been dealt a serious blow!

    Delmer… Methinks it was not Apple… I’m guessing it happened somewhere in transit, because it was shipped direct from manufacturing in China.

  12. Bre says:

    I promise to put in a good word with the Queen while I’m in London!

  13. Tracy Lynn says:

    I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve always wanted to be an alcoholic bipolar kidney patient.

    Whiner.

  14. annie says:

    I was watching that, too!
    Seriously, like that guy said in the documentary, “What do the royals really DO?”
    Get yourself an audience with the queen, do your bows and curtsies or whatever, show her your awesome blog and I’m sure she’ll hook you up with a Knight pin.

  15. Tracy says:

    Ewww…Avitable…just ewww.

    I’m so sorry about your Time Capsule! I’m thinking about getting one for the Casa de Schwab, so I’m looking forward to hearing your review. Hopefully your package will arrive before the new credit card reaches me…’cause I’m itching to order some new stuff!

  16. Mooselet says:

    That photo of the Queen looks like the beginning of a Monty Python sketch – I expect her to split in half and see a full grown Price Charles step out or something.

    I think you’d have to get yourself British citizenship to get the ‘Sir’ moniker, but then again if you’re going to dominate the world than that takes precedence. Sir Dave2 it is.

  17. Dave2 says:

    Bre: Many thanks!

    Tracy: Whiner? Easy for you to say, you got everything you wanted out of life!

    Annie: Umm… yeah… and how does one get an audience with Her Majesty exactly?

    Tracy: I’d have thought that Apple would have bumped me up the list rather than pasting me at the end, but that’s life. :-(

    Mooselet… Bill Gates isn’t a British citizen and HE got knighted!

  18. ETinNY says:

    Several years ago there was some (probably BBC) program on PBS where they followed the Royal family around for a year that was, actually, quite interesting. My favorite parts were when QE II is showing Queen Victoria’s longhand diary and remarked that she kept one. The interviewer said something like “you don’t type or anything, do you?” She sort of incredulously came back with a Royal version of “You’ve got to be fucking kidding, right?” My other favorite was when the Royals were at the races watching the horses on closed circuit TV in their box and their horse started closing towards the finish line. She and the Queen Mum (who had to have been in her 90’s) both bolted out to the balcony to watch the finish like a couple of charwomen that’d been told there were giving away free fish ‘n chips, outside.

  19. Dave2 says:

    Yep, same program I mentioned… Monarchy: The Royal Family At Work. The US version was a much-abbreviated show from the same footage.

    They followed the royals around for a year… but it was last year (2007) I think?

  20. martin says:

    Dave, I am sure that if Her Majesty ever chances on your page,you will be on your knees next time you are in London. She may even come to you.

  21. whall says:

    Wow, talk about ‘vaporware’…

    So now the whole Knight Rider thing makes more sense… The car’s name was ‘Industries Two Thousand’ and he was really a knight.

    The acronym for ‘Sir Industries Two Thousand’ just didn’t suit a car, so they changed it to KITT.

  22. I have already beat you to benevolent dicatator of the world. I am ready to go. The grass-roots campaign has been going for about two years.

    So there!

  23. John says:

    Ha! I was watching “The Royal Family” too in my new totally pimped HD.

    RE: “…How many people can say their life has gone exactly as planned?”

    That would be nobody. As a RETURNER of one of those royal medals said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

    Love the illustrations man. BOSS.

  24. ChillyWilly says:

    There sure have been some odd “unpacking” stories on the web of late. iPods replaced with rocks. external hard drives replaced with beans. Now your Time Capsule box being completely empty.

  25. Kyra says:

    I’m always slightly disturbed by those photos of the Queen where she looks like a dead-ringer for George Washington. Creeps me out. *shivvvvvvvver*

  26. Michelle says:

    My four pound chi has simular goals, world domination and all that. Don’t tell her but I’m secretly rooting for you, you would be far more benign.

  27. Oooooo! If you get knighted, ever, can I come along? I get wet over the British Royal Family. All of them.

    I promise to behave. I’ll just stand there, like an idiot, with mouth open, drool coming out, trying to utter something intelligible, but just ending up with caveman noises.

    ‘Kay? Awesome!

  28. Bec says:

    It would be an honour to have you be a knight… We could bring back the round table too…

  29. delmer says:

    In that photo it looks like the Queen’s about 10 seconds away from getting crushed by a spinning, falling, Kansas farm house.

  30. Lewis says:

    I like it when you call me sir.

  31. Stacey says:

    If I got an empty box instead of a much-anticipated super-cool new thing, I would totally lose my shit.

    My cats, on the other hand, would say, “Awesome! Another toy for us!”

  32. annie says:

    Have you sent her an e-mail yet?

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