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Posted on Monday, January 9th, 2006

Dave!I love getting mail.

Which is one of those paradoxical things in life for me, because I loathe going to the post office to actually pick it up.

Fortunately, I have a billing service that collects my monthly bills and allows me to pay them online, or else I'd be in never-ending peril from bill collectors wanting to break my legs. But everything else... magazines, exciting offers from select retailers, free samples, cards, letters, and all the rest... it just collects in a bin until I get off my lazy ass and do something with it.

Faced with a huge pile of mail, I finally decided to go through everything on Sunday.

Turns out I got a lot of nice cards from Blogography readers for the holidays, so I first want to thank everybody for that. And, while I'm at it, thanks for the well-wishing emails, e-cards and stuff everybody sent as well. I appreciate it all, and cannot help but be touched that so many people spent their valuable time thinking of me.

Which, of course, makes me feel like a total bastard for not reciprocating... but that's my problem, not yours.

But hey, I make a special Blogography delivery every day just for YOU (yes, you!) so it's not like I don't care or anything...

Dave Mailman

Speaking of mail... let's catch up with a few emails I've gotten lately, shall we?

Council: Probably my favorite email in the past several weeks was from a woman who was absolutely outraged after having read my entry on Seattle's new insanely stupid strip club laws. She found it reprehensible that I could possibly be so crass as to tell elected public officials to kiss my ass... IN A PUBLIC BLOG THAT ANYBODY... INCLUDING (gasp) CHILDREN... CAN READ! The word "disrespectful" kept popping up again and again, and she wondered how I felt about inflicting such horrible, uncivil values on my readers. My response, of course, was that she could kiss my ass too.

Pivot: Speaking of ass-kissing... another email came from somebody wanting to collect "Pivot Questionnaires" published on the web. After Googling, they found mine, and wanted to know if they could add it. For anybody not familiar with The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire, it's the final questions that James Lipton asks when he interviews guests on his show Inside the Actors Studio. The show is fantastic (if you can get over what a total kiss-ass Lipton is... he just doesn't kiss ass... he FRENCH kisses ass!), and so I was happy to contribute. The Bravo website has a cool "Personality Profile Game" where you can see which actor you most closely relate to personality-wise (for me, it's Benicio Del Toro).

Suggested: One email was a bit surprising in that it was just a big list of suggestions of things that the guy wanted me to write about here. Oddly enough, I had already written about most of them, which now has me worried that there's nothing left to talk about, and I should just close down my blog.

Prayer: After telling Pat Roberston to "shut up and die" I got a rather nice email from somebody telling me that this wasn't a very "Christian" thing to say, even if I disagree with the guy. My reply didn't bother telling him that I'm not a Christian in the first place... but I did write back and ask if he had written to Pat and told HIM that it wasn't a very "Christian" thing to ask God to make people dead (which Robertson has done on more than one occasion). This, apparently, was not the response the guy was looking for, and I got a nice long lecture on everything from school prayer to internet porn (sadly, no links were provided).

Privacy: Last, but certainly not least, was an email I received last month which asked a series of highly-personal questions which I would be hard-pressed to talk about to even close friends... let alone a complete stranger. The sad thing was that this person had put a lot of thought into what they were asking, and I felt bad having to tell them that I wasn't comfortable discussing those areas of my life. Over the past couple of weeks, the whole situation has been really bothering me, and I cannot figure out why. Surely it's not wrong to want to keep some areas of my life private... is it? Why would anybody want to know such things in the first place? Does EVERYBODY wonder about this stuff? Hmmm... every once in a while I get the sense of just how weird it is to have a blog.

BLOGDATE: October 20, 2004
In which Dave ponders the eternal mystery of Kiwi (and Photoshops a cool picture of it).
Click here to go back in time...



Posted on Friday, January 13th, 2006

Dave!The coolest thing about having a blog is the lovely death threats you get just for stating your opinion.

Well, in this case, it's not actually a "threat" per se... it's more like harsh tongue lashing without the benefits such an activity might normally involve.

And I owe it all to Tony Danza.

Not Tony Danza personally, but a Tony Danza fanatic who decided to write to me after reading my comments on his talk show. I would never have guessed that Tony was capable of having such a rabid fan base, so naturally I have come to the conclusion that Tony Danza has some kind of demonic mind-control powers. And now his evil minions are hunting down anybody who would dare speak out against their diabolical overlord.

So now I wonder... mild-mannered talk show host, or hellspawn sent to destroy us all?


Apparently the wrath I've incurred is due to The Tony Danza Show being pulled from some key markets like New York and Philadelphia. According to the email I got, horrible people like me "have poisoned people against Tony and created a negative energy to destroy a wonderful show that brings happiness to millions of people". She drives her point home by closing her email with "God bless Tony Danza and I hope you die!".

= Sob! =

Did you see that? She wants me dead! Between this wack-job and Pat Robertson, I don't think any of us are safe. If no new Blogography entries are forthcoming and I should mysteriously disappear... now you'll know why. Tony Danza finally got me.

What a way to go.

BLOGDATE: August 28, 2004
In which Dave discovers the toothpasty goodness of Crest Whitening Expressions and comes up with a great idea for breakfast.
Click here to go back in time...



Posted on Tuesday, January 17th, 2006

Dave!I've officially become the worst possible kind of blogger.

I'm now one of "those guys" whose blog has started to intrude into Real Life.

This morning a guy I work with emailed me about what a pain in the ass it was to get his father signed up for the new Medicare Drug insurance plan. Without even thinking, I replied back and said "yeah, I had a tough time helping my grandmother get that figured out" and then pasted a link to a Blogography entry where I had written about it.

Five minutes later I'm sucked into an Instant Message chat...

Chet: You have a blog? That is so gay!!
Dave: Yes. You are right. Blogs are totally gay.
Dave: Which makes it easier for me to tell you something...
Chet: NO SHIT?!?
Dave: Yeah. I've been living with this secret for a while now...
Chet: YOU'RE GAY?!?
Dave: Yes, well, no... uhhh... kinda. According to this online quiz I took, I'm 20% gay, which I guess means that I'm only 80% not-gay.
Chet: What test? Where?
Dave: Here:
               Dave 20% Gay
15 minutes later...
Chet: Shit! I'm gayer than you!!!!!
Dave: So when can I expect to see YOUR blog online?

All of this is kind of strange to me, because I work so hard to keep my Real Life separate from my blog. I mean, sure... a lot of real-life people I know read it... but there's no overlap. I don't initiate a conversation around something I've written, and I absolutely don't point people to my blog as an alternative to talking with them about something.

At least I didn't until now.

I suppose my next step is to hang a flat-screen monitor around my neck, put a wireless antennae on my head, and just point people to Blogography entries instead of actually having to talk to them. Then I could wander around with a look of total disinterest all day, ignoring anybody I should run into...

Dave Wireless

I mean, hey, I'm coming up on my three-year blogiversary in a few months... I've pretty much said it all, haven't I? What else is left to say?

And speaking of blogging milestones - it would appear that I'm rapidly approaching my 5000th comment! I wonder if I should have a prize for whoever leaves comment #5000? Just my luck it would be some lame comment like "YOU SUCK, ASSHOLE!" and I'd have to reward that kind of troll behavior with a prize.

Or do I?

I mean, in the past, I've approved ANY comment, no matter how lame. So unless somebody was selling something or shilling for their site, I've just let it go through. But why should I? I mean, I don't care if somebody wants to call me an asshole (I'm getting used to it), but I think they should at least have to tell me WHY they think that before I publish their crap.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think this is unreasonable. I wonder what other bloggers do about abusive comments by random 10-year-olds and comment trolls?

Sweet! I've just put a disclaimer on my comments form telling them not to bother.

Hmmm... I guess I really AM an asshole.

Why am I not surprised.



Posted on Sunday, January 22nd, 2006

Dave!The lovely and talented Liz over at Everyday Goddess has brought to my attention that today is "Blog for Choice Day". At first I had no intention of airing my thoughts on the subject, as I consider it a private matter, but eventually changed my mind. I'm not quite sure why. No matter which side you take in the abortion debate, you are bound to make enemies... and, believe it or not, I don't blog to make enemies.

But before I get into it, there is one thing I need to make clear:

Personally, I do not believe in abortion. I try to live my life according to Buddhist teachings, and my interpretation of Buddhist precepts is such that abortion is wrong. All arguments as to whether or not life begins at conception are totally irrelevant to me, because conception creates a life. So, unless the pregnancy will endanger the life of the mother, thus putting two lives at risk... there is no gray area for me. I do not condone abortion, and don't feel it should be used as a method of birth control, which our society seems far too comfortable with.


I am a guy and will never have to be faced with whether or not I should get an abortion, so I am pro-choice.

I don't have to worry about becoming pregnant because somebody raped me, so I am pro-choice.

I realize that this is America, where everybody is free to believe as they wish, and my moral and ethical beliefs are not the moral and ethical beliefs of everybody else, so I am pro-choice.

I am not so arrogant as to force my interpretation of life on other free-willed individuals, so I am pro-choice.

I do not subscribe to the legal definition of murder as applying to abortion, so I am pro-choice.

I believe that once you start regulating any one choice, that it will only lead to other choices being regulated, so I am pro-choice.

I feel that anything so highly personal as an abortion has no business being decided by government, so I am pro-choice.

Shit happens, so I am pro-choice.


So there. I said it. I am pro-choice.

Not because I think abortion is a good thing... but because it's not my place to force others to believe as I do in a country where people are supposed to be able to decide for themselves what to believe in.

And that is why you won't find me telling a woman who is on her sixth abortion to "find a better method of birth control you ignorant slut"... because it's just not my place to judge.

In the end, it's not always easy to set aside one's personal beliefs when it comes to something like abortion. But if you are making decisions as to what other people are allowed to believe for themselves, you kind of have to. Lawmakers would do well to remember that.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  6 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Sunday, January 22nd, 2006

Dave!I don't often look at my web stats because I just don't care how many people are reading my blog. But not so long ago I got an invitation to set up an account with "Google Analytics" for free, so I thought that I would give it a try. The preview showed that you get all kinds of pretty graphs and interesting numbers to look at, so why not?

Well, this morning I finally remembered to go take a look. Unfortunately, the charts and numbers don't mean a heck of a lot to me. I suppose if I gave a crap about this stuff, it would be totally awesome but, since I don't, it's boring. I'm just not seeing any data I'm actually interested in. For example, I still don't know why the hate-mails I get usually arrive on the weekend. Nope, instead all I get to see are things like where my visitors come from on a big map...

Google Analytics
Blogography: Big in Kangerlussuaq, Greenland

So I decided to write my own analytics software. I call it "Blogography Anal". It's a funky piece of engineering that gives you information you can actually use.* Just export your Google Analytics stats, then drop them into the program and press start.

In trying to get to the root of my hate-mail question, I first ran the data through Blogography Anal's "Visitification Index" to see how many people are visiting and whether or not I should be happy about it. The results look like this...

Anal Visitors

I find it interesting how traffic remains fairly steady throughout the week, but always plummets on the weekends. I guess people have better things to do than surf this sorry-ass blog on their day off? Can't say I blame them. Though I do shudder to think of the number of lost job-hours I am personally responsible for because billions of people are reading Blogography instead of working.

But if visitor counts drop so substantially on weekends, why is this when I get the most nasty emails and rude comments? I decided to rerun the stats, but this time use Blogography Anal's "Assholification Index" to see what happens...

Anal Assholes

Ah ha! Even though my visitor counts drop significantly on the weekends, it turns out that the number of assholes stopping by shoots to over eleven billion! Last Sunday there were 13.4 billion assholes alone.

And this is a problem. My "happy zone" for asshole visitors is between one and three billion a day. Any less than a billion, and you just aren't trying hard enough. Any more than three billion, and the odds are you'll start getting emails bitching about something you've said that week.

Since this is Sunday, I guess it means there is a 96.4% chance that the person reading this right now is an asshole.

Well, not YOU... I would never think of YOU as an asshole. I just love YOU.

So it begs the question: why in the heck do I bother to write in my blog on the weekends?

If visitor counts drop, and all I am going to get for my trouble is a bunch of assholes hanging around... why do it? I just don't know. Perhaps if I stopped writing on the weekend, I wouldn't feel like starting up again on Monday? Or maybe the people who count on Blogography to brighten up their Monday work-day would be pissed if they didn't have a couple of fresh entries to read before their boss arrives?

I guess there are questions that even Google Analytics and Blogography Anal can't answer.


* Please note that the accuracy of my calculations is plus-or-minus twenty-six billion.**

** Hey, I'm an artist, not a mathematician.***

*** Oh don't give me that look! Writing software is hard... let's see YOUR stats package.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Wednesday, January 25th, 2006

Dave!A couple of days ago I wrote about the government requesting that Google release their search records. Ever since then, I've been addicted to the stats page which shows the keyword searches people are using to find Blogography. Sure I've looked before, but now I'm seeing them in an entirely different light. What if the people requesting some of these wacky searches were tracked by the government? Scary.

And if these freaky-ass searches are finding my blog, what in the heck does that say about me?

As it turns out, it's not always my fault. When you combine a bunch of unrelated entries into monthly archives, suddenly a word from June 7th combines with a word from June 13th and a word from June 20th to create something truly disturbing. What was once an innocent separation of words on different days has suddenly been Googlized into something naughty.

And while that's true most of the time, it's not true all of the time.

Searches for things like "penis salad" I have no excuse for.

But hey, here's a question... WHO IN THE HECK DOES A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR "PENIS SALAD"?? What could they possibly be hoping to find? I made it up as a joke... are these people serious?!? And it's not like it was only a one time thing... I've been hit by that search 11 times this month. ELEVEN PEOPLE WERE LOOKING FOR "PENIS SALAD"! WTF? Over half of them are from the U.K., so perhaps it's a British slang term that I am unfamiliar with?

Anyway, for the moment at least, Blogography is the #1 hit in both text and images. I did a screen capture to preserve this moment forever...

Penis Salad Google

Penis Salad Google

And there it is. My proudest moment as a blogger. Out of 701,000 results for "penis salad", I'm #1 on Google. How cool is that? I might as well close up shop and move on to other challenges. I've climbed my Everest. There's nowhere else for me to go with Blogography now. It's all downhill from here.

And, on that note, I should mention that I've passed 5000 comments from brilliant readers such as yourself!

On January 23rd at 6:28pm, "Used Hack" hit the magic number, and has won a pair of quality T-shirts of his choice from the Artificial Duck Store PLUS a gift certificate for $20 from either the iTunes Music Store or, whichever he likes best! It's a prize valued at $43.85, so congratulations Hack!

Comments are cool, and this blog wouldn't be half as much fun without them. I should have comment prizes more often.

And lastly, did anybody see Betty White's masterful performance last night on Boston Legal? Betty with a gun kicks ass!

BLOGDATE: February 7, 2004
In which Dave finds Betty White in his mailbox and contemplates life without clean underwear.
Click here to go back in time...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  21 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

Dave!You know the satisfaction that comes from a job well done? The sweet victory of completing a project you can be proud of? Knowing that you took the time to do something right, and it shows?

Yeah, me to. It's a great feeling isn't it?

Unless you are building a web site.

Because no matter how much time you spend making sure everything is compliant with web standards... no matter how long you take to validate every line of hand-coded HTML... no matter what you do to ensure that everything will appear exactly as you intended it to look...

It all falls apart when you look at the site in Internet Explorer...

Browser Render

Suddenly, all the hard work... all the hours... all the painstaking attention to detail... it's all turned to shit because Microsoft's browser sucks ass. Sometimes the Internet Explorer Effect™ is so heinous that sites which render perfectly in every other browser on earth become unusable. I could go into details (the box model is f#@%ed up, floats aren't handled properly, no support for max-width, etc. etc. etc. etc.) but none of it really matters. The simple fact is that Internet Explorer is garbage. Unfortunately, people don't seem to realize it...

Browser Percent

HALF the world is using Internet Explorer, so it doesn't matter that the browser sucks donkey balls. You pretty much have to hack your site to work around all the bugs, omissions, inaccuracies, and f#@%-ups in IE, or else all these people will think it's your fault things look like crap.

There's always the hope that the next version of IE will fix all the problems, but it doesn't really matter because so few people will bother to upgrade. This makes Internet Explorer the equivalent of a case of herpes that will never go away completely. All you can do is put a condom on your site and hope that it doesn't mess things up for the browsers that don't have an STD.

I dunno. Maybe if enough IE victims are convinced to make a better choice, the percentage of users will drop so low that designers won't have to worry about the Internet Explorer Effect™ anymore. Finally, the internet will be beautiful once again (and mostly disease-free).

Oh well. Since I've spent most of my day being beaten into submission by a crappy web browser, I might as well get that "FOUR THINGS" meme out of the way. I've been tagged a couple of times before, but now Gerry and Karla have nabbed me in a weakened state, so here we go:

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006, Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Saturday, February 11th, 2006

Dave!I have so much dirty laundry piled up that I am certain one day I won't be able to make it out of my bedroom alive. I'll awake in the middle of the night having to go to the bathroom, trip over a heap of dirty underwear, hit my head on the closet door, and lay there bleeding to death in a pile of smelly socks. I can't imagine how they would make that sound good for my obituary, so I figure it's best to just spend my day-off washing.

But as fun as doing laundry is, there's quite a bit of down-time while waiting for that rinse-cycle to finish.

At first I was going to watch the complete first season of the excellent Grounded for Life DVD set I just got, but that only occupies half my brain. The other half gets bored and needs something to do.

Enter Google Maps.

The really nifty thing about this service from Google is that anybody can create their own maps using the freely provided (yet poorly documented) Google Maps API. You can even draw your own little icons and stuff. This appeals to me, because I think it would be very cool to include interactive maps of my travels when I am blogging on the go. For example... if I were in Chicago at the Apple Store, and Bad Monkey was waiting for me at Giordanos Pizza, I could easily create a little map to show where everything is. You would be able to move around, zoom in and out, and it would look something like this...

Google Maps Sample

Actually, it would look exactly like that, because this is a screen capture of a real Google Map I made.

The only drawback is that the JavaScript to create the map takes forever to load... even if you don't actually display anything that uses it. This caused major problems, because all my blog pages were taking four-times longer to load whether there is a map there or not.

Obviously, that's not going to work out for me.

I guess what I am going to have to do is create a separate "Blogography Maps" blog and then provide a link in my entries there. That way, only pages that are actually going to be drawing maps will load slowly. It's not an ideal solution, but it's the only thing I can think of. A pity that individual entry archives in Movable Type can't be flagged to use different templates. Then I could just dump my maps into the extended portion of an entry and be good to go. Oh well.

And there goes the buzzer on my clothes dryer...

UPDATE: Thanks to reader assistance, I did figure out how to embed a Google Map without penalizing other pages.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  6 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Sunday, February 12th, 2006

Dave!This morning I awoke to two emails regarding yesterday's experimentation with Google Maps...

The first was from somebody who felt compelled to write and say "nice Photoshop hack" in regards to the Google Map screen capture that I had included (apparently he felt it "looks fake").

The second was from somebody showing me how I can put the slow Google code only on the pages that have maps. The only restriction is that I can't put the map in the main body of an entry, because then web feed readers will choke and die (they'll have to go in extended entries).

UPDATE: This is so cool. After goofing around for a while, I was inspired to redo my travel map with the Google Maps API. It's pretty sweet. I've got custom icons to separate my Hard Rock visits from other visits, and all the data is read from an XML file so I can update easily. I'm pretty happy with it, so I've added my map to the tab bar on every page.

The original map test is still in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  6 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

Dave!Quite a while ago, I had the idea of creating a blog directory site that was entirely visual in nature. There would be no text at all... just pictures of bloggers that you could click on when the mood struck you. I thought it an interesting way to discover new blogs, and also put faces to the blogs you already know about.

Unfortunately, life got in the way, and I never quite got it going.

Until Tuesday.

On Tuesday I got another nice invitation to join one of the many "Blogger Networks" that keep popping up. They liked my blog and thought it would be a fabulous addition to their group. And just like the last time, it was a network I had never even heard of, so I wrote back and politely declined. I explained that this wasn't something I was interested in just now, but best of luck and I hope your endeavor is a successful one. UNLIKE last time, I received a reply:

"Are you stupid?? We're building a powerful network that could explode your traffic and give you exposure you could never get on your own!!! Blah blah blah blah blah."

And that's when I got to thinking... what do I care? I don't have ads or anything. It's not like I get a prize for having more readers. And the more I thought about it, the more offended I became. Some of these networks actually look worthwhile for finding great reads (9rules must be good, because both Pauly and Firda are members)... but most of the others I've found are nothing more than elitist wank-fests. My joining would just provide links for their crappy blogs, and I don't even care about my own traffic. So I wrote back another email and told them "sorry I am too stupid to join... f#@% you, and have a nice day."

And then yesterday I woke up and decided to create my own elitist blogging network...


Well, actually, BloggerPeeps is not so much a network as it is a list of blogs that I like. Every couple of days I'll send out a batch of email invitations to people in my web feed reader and, if people want to become a member, I'll add them to the site and they officially become a VIB... Very Important Blogger.

Then, if you should wish to show off your new status amongst the blogging elite... I'm making little BloggerPeeps member badges, and am working on these little sidebar widgets that will fit nicely under a Flickr Zeitgeist. Right now they just randomly grab members and rotate through them, but I am working on a way to make it so that when you click on a face, you'll go to their blog...

BloggerPeeps Widget

I'm also going to finish making the MacOS X Dashboard Widget, so Mac users can access the BloggerPeeps Web Feed right from their desktop...

BloggerPeeps Widget

Sweet! Now I have a project for the weekend.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  39 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Monday, February 27th, 2006

Dave!One of the most beautiful objects ever created by man is Michelangelo's statue masterpiece, David.

As an art-lover, my life-long ambition has been to visit L'Academia Gallery in Florence so I could personally bear witness to this stunning tribute to the beauty of the human form. On October 16th of last year, I was lucky enough to do just that. I was not at all disappointed. I could write pages on just how amazing an experience it was, but it basically comes down to the fact that David looks as though he is made of flesh and blood instead of stone. All the muscles, the veins, every fold of skin... it's all been so meticulously crafted, that the experience of standing before it can literally take your breath away.

It's that good...


There are other statues of course... the exquisite Venus de Milo and the heart-wrenching La Pieta come instantly to mind. But David stands above them all as to what a true artist can accomplish given nothing but a block of stone.

Which brings me to the point of all this.

Boing Boing, one of my favorite sites on the internet, is doing a good thing very wrong.

It would seem that Boing Boing is being blocked by some filtering software due to their displaying "nudity" which is kind of stupid. Any nudity I can remember seeing has either been artistic or informative in nature, and in no way gratuitous or exploitive. I support Boing Boing 100% in their efforts to protest this ridiculous practice, mainly because I've posted content to Blogography (such as the above photo) which would get me censored as well.

What I do not support is the way they are going about it. They have decided to protest the butchering of artistic expression by butchering David to create web badges...

Boycott SmartFilter

I mean, come on... now you've taken a work of sublime artistic beauty and reduced it down to a picture of a penis. I'd pretty much sum that up as the very definition of poor taste. It's no longer an artistic statement, but exploitation for the sake of shock value. I doubt most people seeing such a web badge would even understand that it's a crop of David. All they see is a penis (giggle, snort) which kind of defeats the entire purpose. If you are going to use David as a symbol, "be respectful to the source material"...

Boycott Smartfilter

Otherwise I'd argue that you're no better than the people you're fighting.


(They wouldn't let me take photos at L'Academia, so the above photo is by Rico Heil and governed by the GNU Free Documentation License).

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  12 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Sunday, March 5th, 2006

Dave!The sweat pours down my forehead as I crouch behind the battered automobile. My ears are ringing because the sound is deafening as they unload in my direction. The car shudders amidst flashes of light, and pieces of metal rain down upon me. These guys really, really hate me. But that's okay. Thanks to some inventive internet research, I've got the Big F#@%ing Gun with me and am ready to unleash. I wait for them to reload, and then it's my turn. I blow away everything in sight, my MSAW ripping through wood, glass, metal, and flesh. I know this is so wrong, but I just can't wipe the smile from my face. The Microsoft Internet Explorer developer group deserved to die. All of them. Rest in pieces you bastards.

And this is why I think playing violent video games is actually a good thing. If I couldn't fire up my Xbox and pretend to blow away the idiots who made Internet Explorer the shitty-ass browser that it is... I would probably be tempted to do it in real-life. But instead, I just sit down with the video game Black and blow shit up for an hour, then the urge to kill is manageable again.

And it's all because of this...

Screen Cap IE

BloggerPeeps beta, which is starting to look fabulous in every browser I throw at it (including Safari, FireFox, Opera)... is, of course, looking like crap in Internet Explorer. AS USUAL!! So then I've got to sit down and try to figure out which magical combination of "display:block" and "display:inline" statements will bypass all of the IE bugs and display the page as it's meant to be seen. I must be getting used to it, because it only took about an hour this time.

Anyway, everything is coming together for my very own elite blogging "anti-network". Tonight I'll swap out the temporary graphics with the real thing, then get the database hooked up. After that, I'll be good to go, and start adding sites later this week. Woot!

Now I need to go buy groceries. It's 10:00am, and all I had to eat for breakfast is a can of Mountain Dew.

I feel funny.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Friday, March 10th, 2006

Dave!Today I got an email telling me that my ICRA labeling is out of date. Truthfully, I don't think that labeling site content matters one bit, but if it will keep people from sending me an email because their kid stumbled across Blogography and ended up traumatized, then I have no problem doing it.

Just like last time, I am being very conservative, and applying labels that I don't necessarily agree with (better safe than sorry). The one thing I have changed is that I've blanketed all of this crap as "appearing in an artistic content" because I am of the opinion that my cartoons and writing do have some artistic merit (no matter how small). If you were to read down the list and NOT see it as appearing in an artistic context, Blogography looks incredibly pornographic, violent, and balls-nasty, which I don't feel is a very fair assessment.

Dave Rated

The simple truth is that I don't consider my blog to be in any way obscene. It's more like a PG-13 rated movie where young children reading it may be exposed to things that they don't understand, or sarcastic material that they can't yet view in the proper context without help from an adult. Sadly, I don't think this comes across in my ICRA rating because of the very narrow choices you are given, but it is what it is and so that's what i got.

Below is the current rating structure which I have labeled on every page in my blog. A sample link is given to show how I am interpreting the label for actual content...

  • Exposed breasts: Janet!
  • Bare buttocks: Hot!
  • Obscured or implied sexual acts: Peanut butter!
  • Injury to human beings: Postage!
  • Injury to animals: Vegetarian!
  • Injury to fantasy characters (including animation): Potter!
  • Blood and dismemberment, human beings: Jedi!
  • Blood and dismemberment, animals: Vegetarian (again)!
  • Blood and dismemberment, fantasy characters (including animation): Scanners!
  • Abusive or vulgar terms: Every chance I get.
  • Profanity or swearing: Da F-Bomb!
  • Mild expletives: I use "crap" and "ass" more times than I could possibly count.
  • Depiction of tobacco use: Love!
  • Depiction of alcohol use: Intoksikayshun!
  • Depiction of drug use: Tatercrack!
  • Depiction of the use of weapons: I want a gun.
  • Gambling: Hard Rock!
  • Content that sets a bad example for young children: that teaches or encourages children to perform harmful acts or imitate dangerous behaviour: Send in the clowns!
  • Content that creates feelings of fear, intimidation, horror, or psychological terror: Danza!
  • User-generated content such as chat rooms and message boards (moderated): Having comments turned on is user-generated content, I guess.
  • This material appears in an artistic context: Well, it does. Kind of. A little bit.

Oooh, I feel so perverted and dirty now.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Tuesday, March 14th, 2006

Dave!Blogging is an effortless endeavor for me. I've read about bloggers who struggle with every new entry, bloggers who get burned out, bloggers who can't think of things to write, bloggers who ramble on because they don't have anything to say... but it's never that way for me. I just sit down to write and, 10-20 minutes later, it's over. Results may vary, but that's all there ever is to it.

But not today.

I woke up, had a few minutes to write... but didn't feel like it.

The twenty minutes I take for lunch... didn't feel like it.

Home from work and done with dinner... didn't feel like it.

Now I've watched a couple hours of TiVo-recorded television... and still don't feel like it.

Maybe if I make a toy boat from a photo I took in St. Thomas...

Toy Boat

Awww, cute. But I still don't feel like it. Maybe a dippy internet qiz will help... like "Which of the Seven Deadly Sins Are You?"


Uhhh, no. Stupid quizzes are still stupid. How about a meme I found at Blue Goo Ate My Mom?

  • When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was behind you? The bathroom door.
  • How much cash did you spend yesterday? Around $30.
  • What's a word that rhymes with mist? List.
  • Favorite planet, which you would live on, if you could? Kashyyyk, where the Wookies live! Or maybe that planet in Star Trek where the hot green bitches are.
  • Who is the LAST person you kissed? Mary.
  • What is your favorite ring on your phone? Vibrate.
  • What is the last band shirt you wore? My Thompson Twins "Into The Gap" tour shirt which I wore on Sunday from a concert I attended in 1984.
  • What do you think of yourself? I am astoundingly brilliant, and should totally be ruling the earth.
  • Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing? Nike.
  • Night light or pitch black? Pitch black.
  • What do you think about the (previous) person who took this? He has one of the sexiest blog templates ever.
  • What were you doing at midnight last night? Working on the BloggerPeeps sidebar widget.
  • What did your last text message say that you received? I don't know... it was Verizon trying to sell me something so I deleted it without looking.
  • Where is the nearest Valero? WTF is a Valero?
  • What's something that you say a lot? "Crap!"
  • Who told you they loved you last? My grandmother.
  • Last furry thing you touched? A towel.
  • How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days? Uhhh... none.
  • Favorite age you have been so far? 30.
  • Your worst enemy? Jared Fogle, the Subway Sandwich whore.
  • What is your current desktop picture? My friends, from a trip I took with them to Expo 86 in Vancouver.
  • What was the last thing you said to someone? Bye.
  • How do you like your eggs? Over medium.
  • Do you like someone? I like a lot of people.
  • The last song you listened to? Nothing's Impossible by Depeche Mode.

Eh. I give up. :-(

Categories: Blogging 2006, Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Sunday, March 26th, 2006

Dave!WARNING: This is a bullet-point entry!

I am driving home from Seattle this afternoon, then will immediately start boxing up 38 T-shirt back-orders so they can ship out first thing Monday morning. That's pretty much my entire day, so I figure bullet-points are better than nothing.

Here we go...

Dave Monkey T

  • As mentioned above, I picked up a new batch of T-Shirts this weekend. For all 38 of you who've been patiently waiting for your orders to ship, tomorrow is the day! Thank you for your patience as I battle winter storms, kidney stones, emergency trips to Chicago, and all those other pieces of "life" that kept me from filling your orders.
  • I've received a couple of emails asking if my recent cartoons featuring "Zombie Dave" were in any way an indication that I was a part of the "Zombie Rave" that went terribly wrong in Seattle's Capitol Hill district this weekend. The answer is no. It is entirely coincidental, and I didn't even know about the "Zombie Rave" until we saw the news of the shootings on television. Very sad. The Seattle PI has the story for anybody who's curious.
  • Thank you again to everybody who left so many nice comments and sent all those happy birthday emails. It was completely unexpected, and I am deeply grateful to all of you who spent their valuable time giving me a shout-out.
  • Speaking of my birthday... March 24th is also the birthday for MacOS X, my operating system of choice. It's also the day that the dumbass monkey-spankers over at The Register published a completely false report about Apple CEO Steve Jobs selling off his stake in the company (it was actually a settlement to pay the taxes on his vested shares, and in no way shows a lack of confidence in Apple). But that didn't stop somebody from posting an anonymous (of course) comment that said "APPLE IS GOING DOWN DUDE!!! MAC SUX!!!!!" and then pasting a copy of the article. Oh how I loathe blog trolls. Read the facts over at AppleInsider.
  • April is looking to be kind of buzy for Blogography. The 10th through the 14th, I will be participating in Kevin's "Grassroots Campaign" to promote Pauly's new book "The Lost Blogs". Then the following week is my Blogiversary III Celebration from the 17th to the 21st (which is shaping up to be just as crazy as last time). Be sure to tune in, because there just might be some surprises along the way.
  • And speaking of Pauly... I am really behind in responding to comments and emails, and seriously behind in reading other people's blogs... but did notice that Pauly (who is one of those rare individuals who can be profoundly funny without resorting to curse words) has finally succumbed to temptation and almost used a swear word in today's entry over at Words for My Enjoyment! And what could possibly get Pauly pissed off enough to type "a-hole" in his blog? The answer is right here.

And I'm off. So long, Seattle...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  12 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Tuesday, March 28th, 2006

Dave!I am going to start carrying around one of those little "clicker counters" so I can keep track of the number of people I want to bitch-slap in a given day. I'm thinking that the number has got to be rather large... perhaps in the high thirties or low forties. It's possible that I'm just irritable, but I honestly think it's because there are a lot of people out there in need of a good bitch-slapping.

Case in point... I stopped at a shop whilst in Wenatchee yesterday. I wasn't there two minutes before some idiot came in with his demon-spawn child. His boy then proceeded to continuously blow a coaches whistle LOUDLY while the father did... nothing. The sales clerk and three other customers just stood there staring in shock. Me being, well... me, walked up and said something...

Dave: Hey... does he have to do that in here?
Idiot: It's either that or listen to him scream his head off.
Dave: You sir, are a model parent.
Idiot: Uhhhh... what?
Dave: Yeah, that's what I thought.

See? There's two slaps right there... one for the dumbass father and another for his whistle-blowing dumbass kid.

It's times like this that make me want to abandon saying "bitch-slap" and go back to saying "a punch in the face". I can see now that my attempt to come up with a less-violent way of enunciating my disproval in people is not nearly as effective, because I seriously wanted to hurt these idiots.

Most people would say "don't blame the child, he wasn't brought up right and doesn't know any better." But since he's the one with the whistle in his mouth, I don't really care. Obviously he isn't being taught proper manners at home, so it becomes the duty of society to educate the little hellion. The ideal solution is probably too harsh...

Dave Whistle Blower

... so I guess a bitch-slap it's going to have to be.

And in other, non-slapping-related news, I see over at TV Shows on DVD that the Air America television show spin-off is being released on June 6th. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mention something like this (it was an okay show, but nothing fantastic), except Scott Plank co-starred in it with Lorenzo Lamas...

Air America DVD

Now that Scott's tribute site seems to have disappeared, I get a lot of Google traffic from people trying to find out stuff about him (probably because I chose Scott as one of the three "Guys I Might Go Gay For" in a previous entry). Since he was one of the few decent people I met while I was involved in my "Hollywood project", I figure the least I can do is help keep his memory alive here when something like this comes up.

Oh, and before I forget... Kachina has posted a totally awesome entry on how great I am over at A Whiter Shade of Pale. As I said in the comments...

"I wished I possessed even a tiny amount of humility so that I could at least pretend to be humbled by such kind praise... but my ego simply doesn't allow for it.
As it turns out, I AM totally great.
If I weren't me, I'd be wishing I was me. But since I am me, I just have to be satisfied with wishing I was more me than I am right now. If I were three times more me than I am, I think I'd be pretty much perfect."

Now feel free to go write about how great I am in your own blogs.

Not that I need the validation or anything... I'm just suggesting a topic in case you can't think of anything better to write about today.

Though I can't imagine that there is anything better to write about than me.

So even if you THINK you have something better to write about than me, I'm here to tell you that it probably isn't, and you should just go ahead and blog about my greatness instead.

Not that I don't value your opinion, it's just that most people don't understand how truly magnificent I am, so I'm trying to point you in the right direction.

Because, admit it, you are feeling a little lost right now and could use some direction in your life, couldn't you?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Off you go then... remember to double-check the spelling of "Blogography" when you link back to here.

Not that I am accusing you of being a bad speller, I'm just saying...



Posted on Friday, March 31st, 2006

Dave!I'm getting some nice emails from people who are finally getting their shirts this week, many of whom have been waiting quite a while. I feel bad about all the delays, and can only hope it was worth the wait. What I am wanting to do is fix the store so that it shows inventory quantities. That way, people can see if they'll be getting a shirt right away or have to wait a bit. It would also be nice to come up with a solution that calculates exact shipping charges, so nobody pays too much (this is a BIG problem for international shipments, which can be billed too much or too little by $5 or more). If wishes were fishes.

Anyway, I don't know if it is apparent from the $8.95 price tag, but I don't make much money on these things... once everything is factored in, I get about 50¢ to $1 per shirt. Considering how much time it takes to package and process the shipments, I am actually operating at quite a loss. But I don't mind one bit. I never got into this with the intent of making money, it was always just for the fun of it. And when I see pictures of people having a good time while wearing their shirts, it's all worthwhile...

Bad Monkey Blogography Shirts!

There will, of course, be a new design for my Blogiversary III Celebration come mid-April. And once again I'll be giving away a bunch of free shirts (among other things) to people who enter the contests (just to warn you... this time you may have to work for it, so put on your thinking caps!).

And, while we're talking about shirts, time for some Q&A...

Where can I get your "Healthy Boobies" Breast Cancer Awareness Shirt? This was a limited-edition shirt that I designed, but had no part in manufacturing (I don't even own one!). The shirt was a success, however, and helped raise nearly $1000 during Breast Cancer Awareness Month... quite an achievement considering only 50 were ever made! If there is enough interest, I may make a limited edition shirt this October and donate all the money to The Susan G. Komen Foundation. I'll keep you posted.

Why can't I buy a "Dave Cafe" shirt like in all your DaveToons? Because the Hard Rock Cafe would probably sue my ass! I love the Hard Rock, and would rather that people head to their local cafe and get a "real" shirt than anything I would come up with.

How do I get an "Artificial Duck" shirt? They are currently not for sale, but may be resurrected one day. The logo is really too good to not be on a shirt, so I definitely want to print them again. I'll take a look at it after Blogiversary III is over.

Why are your shirts in black and white? I want color! For the current designs, I just thought that they looked better that way. I did experiment with color, but kept coming back to the B&W. The good news is that there may be some color options coming up...

I'm a GIRL and want a GIRL'S SHIRT! How can I order a baby doll T or fitted women's shirt? Well, right now you can't. The simple truth is that having to keep an inventory of many shirt styles in various sizes would bankrupt me. HOWEVER, I have talked to my printer about custom ordering them along with my "regular" orders and it doesn't seem to be a problem. So I am thinking of having a "pre-order store" next time, and letting people order sweatshirts, baby dolls, fitted shirts, long sleeves, or whatever. When it comes time to order the Blogiversary III stuff, I'll let everybody know.

Bad Monkey!

What does "Bad Monkey" mean... who is this "Bad Monkey"?? There is no secret meaning to Bad Monkey. The very first DaveToon I drew was in reference to that evil little monkey in the movie Outbreak who infected everybody with the ebola virus. Not only that, but monkeys have been known to spit and throw their poo at people, which makes them bad indeed!

Who prints your shirts? That would be Ad-Fab Ink... the best screen printers I have ever had the pleasure of working with (and there have been quite a few over the years!).

I was told by (insert name here) that they got a shirt for free. I want a free shirt! There are five ways to get a free shirt... ONE: Get lucky from leaving a comment here on Blogography (every 1000th commenter gets a free shirt, assuming you leave a valid email address so I can contact you, and aren't a comment troll who got deleted). TWO: Win a contest during one of my Blogiversary celebrations each April. THREE: Be one of the first twenty people to make a tax-free donation of $100 or more to Doctors Without Borders during a disaster relief drive (contact me if you're interested). FOUR: Order a shirt that's out-of-stock for 4 weeks or longer. FIVE: You are Elizabeth Hurley, Kristen Bell, or Betty White and ask for one.

Alrighty then. I am off to wash a giant pile of dirty clothes that has accumulated over the past week of craziness. Something is starting to smell funny, and I want to take care of things before it comes alive and strangles me in my sleep. Just my luck it would be a Bad Monkey T-shirt... oh the irony...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Monday, April 3rd, 2006

Dave!Sometimes having a blog sucks ass.

Sunday morning I received an email from my hosting company telling me that my site was "in quarantine" because it was using an excessive amount of CPU resources. This strikes me as funny, because I've done a lot of work to optimize everything, and am not dynamically generating any pages, but whatever.

Of course, there's no way for me to verify this myself... I just have to take their word for it.

Anyway, the quarantine site kept losing data, so I eventually decided it was safest to just find a new hosting company. Movable Type (my blog software) recommends Yahoo!, so here I am.

So, for the next day or so...

  • Email sent to my Blogography address may bounce back. Please keep trying.
  • You may see freaky URLs in your address bar for a while.
  • The web feeds aren't updating properly for a while yet.
  • I'm going to be really pissed off until all this is settled.

And to find out why I am pisssed off at just about everybody involved, you can read the whole story in an extended entry. Otherwise, just ignore me for a day or two, and everything should be back to normal by then.

UPDATE: Thanks to Göran over at 6ft5, I found out that MacZot is releasing a new version of "AppZapper" (a drag-and-drop uninstaller for Macs that track down pesky related files you might miss). The cool part is that the price drops 5¢ for every site that links to their page. If 259 people link by midnight (when the offer expires) you can get a copy for free! I don't even care about the program... I just want that cool ray-gun icon in my applications folder! This is a brilliant marketing idea, and the price has already dropped to $7.15 as of this writing.

UPDATE: More good news... an exclusive internet trailer for Clerks2 is up! Sweet!

Clerks2 Teaser

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  30 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Tuesday, April 4th, 2006

Dave!Last night as I was driving home, two girls ran across the street in front of me on a rural road. Not knowing what was going on, I stopped the car. Then I noticed that a small boy was also wanting to cross, so I waved him onward so he could catch up to the two girls (who really should have been watching him closer). Good thing he was smart enough to stop and look both ways, or else I very well might have ran him over.

So there I am sitting in my car as the boy waves and starts to run across. All of a sudden, his shoe comes off. Does he grab the shoe and continue across the street?


He sits down right in front of my car and proceeds to put his shoe back on.

Ordinarily, this would have annoyed me greatly, but I was fascinated. It was like a sudden moment of clarity when I realized that this kid had it all figured out. Rather than panic and try to solve two problems at once, he stopped and worked on the problem at hand before moving on.

A minute later, he pops up, waves at me again, then runs across the street to the two girls who seem very upset with the poor tyke.

It's amazing how little moments like this can have such an effect on me.

Yesterday I made the decision to shut down my blog.

No joke, it was really going to happen. The entire hosting fiasco had just gotten to be too much, and I honestly didn't know where to go with it. Yahoo! is not working out. I got a lot of recommendations from people as to other hosting services but, every time I checked into them, I found out that Movable Type users had been banned there for excessive CPU usage (this includes Dreamhost, and everybody else I tried).

No thanks. Once was enough. This "blogging thing" which was supposed to be a hobby had suddenly become a liability that I don't need. I simply don't have the time or energy to try and maintain three blogs during a second move. Everything is a mess, and I just don't need it. Enough is enough, and it was time to move on.

But then a little boy stopped to put on his shoe in front of my car.

And suddenly I realized that I don't have to stress about it. All I have to do is stop, solve the problem at hand, and move on. Who cares if my email is down for a while. Who cares if my blog is inaccessible for a bit. Who cares if everything is a mess. Just solve the problem at hand and THEN finish crossing the street.

So... I've done that. I think.

In the meanwhile, I'm sorry if I don't get your emails. I'm sorry if some comments get lost during the move. I'm sorry if things don't work right for a while. But I'm not going to worry about it. Eventually everything will work out. Eventually everything will be okay. I'm not stressing over a silly blog that shouldn't mean as much as it does.

One thing at a time. And it's time to move. Again.

So, if you like reading Blogography, and are happy that I've found a way to keep on going... you can thank a little boy who stopped to tie his shoe in front of my car yesterday.

It's amazing what you can learn if you just stop the car.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  41 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Tuesday, April 4th, 2006

Dave!And so I'm moving.


Changing hosting companies is a huge mess that I never really wanted to experience. But, lucky me, this is the third time I've had to do it in three days. I am documenting my pain in an extended entry, so feel free to read it if you are interested (or ignore it if you aren't).


With luck, everything will be sorted out in a day or two. Until then, I am screaming a lot.

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  29 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Wednesday, April 5th, 2006

Dave!You know... just when you think things can't get any shittier, that's usually when they do.

Thanks to a lot of hard work and the kindness of one incredibly generous person, I am very close to climbing out of the nightmare of getting my blog re-hosted. It has been a totally crappy four days, but it's almost over. Then BLAM! I get f#@%ed by PayPal!

This lovely piece of email lands in my inbox...

PayPal is committed to maintaining a safe environment for its community of buyers and sellers. Our team employs the most advanced systems in the world to protect the security of your account.
During a recent review of our system, we determined that you received funds from an account that reportedly has been associated with possible unauthorized use. In accordance with PayPal's Seller Protection Policy, the following transaction has been reversed...


THEY accepted the charge, and yet it's MY problem?

And what kind of bullshit is "POSSIBLE unauthorized use"??

It's POSSIBLE that aliens have replaced world leaders with pod people. It's POSSIBLE that Elvis is still alive. It's POSSIBLE that PayPal is a giant scam. It's POSSIBLE that diamonds might shoot out of my ass...

Diamond Ass

So PayPal steals MY F#@&ING MONEY because of a "possible" problem. No proof is offered. I'm just supposed to take their word for it. No mention on whether they will reinstate my money if the charge is proved to be valid. No mention on me getting any evidence whatsoever as to this ALLEGED claim of "unauthorized use".

This is bullshit.

I wrote and asked for the evidence that this is, IN FACT, an unauthorized charge. Who knows if I will ever see it. I'm probably just f#@%ed, which is fantastic. Not only am I going to be out $12.90... I'm also out $4.05 in shipping... and $7.95 in shirt and materials.

I just had to pay hundreds of dollars to host my blog, and now T-shirts that I sell at near-cost out of the goodness of my heart, have just screwed me out of $25.

What's coming next?

UPDATE: I got an email from somebody saying: "If somebody stole YOUR credit card and bought a shirt don't you think that you should get your money back? Being ripped off by credit card thieves is part of owning a business and you need to grow up". First of all... the person who bought the shirt has no idea why the transaction was flagged as "possible unauthorized use" - NEITHER OF US DO! Even better, the buyer didn't even know that there was a problem until I wrote and told them! PayPal never bothered to contact them! So basically, PayPal says there is a "possible problem" but there is NO evidence provided to either buyer OR seller, and THAT is what I am upset about. And this is not an email scam, because the reversal of the money credit is showing up in my PayPal account. Second of all... Even if there IS fraud, "my business" WAS NOT THE ONE WHO TOOK THE CREDIT CARD! PayPal accepted the credit card! And they aren't doing it for FREE, I get billed fees every time. I mean, seriously... if I was the one who took the card and the charge was bogus... is it fair that I turn around and bill the company who printed the shirts for my loss?? No. In any event PayPal needs to provide evidence that there is wrong-doing OR GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!!



Posted on Saturday, April 8th, 2006

Dave!Yesterday was one of the greatest days ever because my Batman Legos arrived. But do I have time to put together my Bat-mobile, Bat-plane, Bat-boat, and Bat-dragster?? No. No I do not. And why haven't I had time to play with my new toys? Because my blog is still completely messed up. I got an email last night telling me that most of the links on my Best Of page are broken. A quick check of my server logs shows hundreds upon hundreds of "Page Not Found" errors... broken links everywhere.

It turns out that there is a major, major problem with Movable Type. I'm not going to go into it just yet but, suffice to say, if you are an MT user I've put the whole story in an extended entry and you should read it. For everybody else, it's time for BULLET POINTS!!

Blog Bullets

• Campaign. All next week I will be participating in Kevin's "grassroots campaign" to promote Paul Davidson's new book The Lost Blogs. This is a great opportunity to blog as somebody else for a while, so I'm looking forward to it.

• Celebrate. The week after that is Blogography's Kick-Ass Blogiversary III Celebration, which means it's going to be a busy few weeks. I don't want to give anything away... but prizes will be involved.

• Vegas. The show Las Vegas gave a nice shout-out to my favorite charitable organization, Doctors Without Borders, in last night's episode. This is one of those shows that surprises me with its consistency... you can always count on being entertained when you tune in (though part of that might be due to my infatuation with Mary, Sam, and Delinda on the show).

• Loopy. On the other end of the television spectrum, FOX has unleashed a new show called The Loop upon an unsuspecting nation. I tuned in because it stars that kid who was the next-door neighbor in Grounded for Life, only to be subjected to the stupidest half-hour of television I've seen in a long, long time. How in the heck did this show get greenlit?

• Cheese. Holy crap! I just went to make myself a sandwich and found out that I'm out of Tillamook Medium Cheddar Cheese! WHY?!? OH LORD, WHY ME??? IS THERE NOTHING SACRED? WAAAHHHHH!

Today, I am a man without cheese. =sob!=

I guess I have to run to the store before I can play with my Batman Legos.

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Sunday, April 9th, 2006

Dave!Tomorrow begins five days of "lost-blogging" for Kevin's "grassroots campaign" to promote Pauly's new The Lost Blogs book. Even though I've known about it for around two-and-a-half months now, I just haven't decided on which historical figure I was going to blog as. No matter who I thought might make a good choice for a "mystery game", I had no idea how to make it go on for five days. There's just too much to figure out and, if somebody guesses your pick on the first day, you're screwed. I had toyed with the idea of picking a new person for each day, but I don't think that's allowed by the rules.

I finally just wrote all nine of my candidates on slips of paper, put them in a cup, then picked one.

Who I ended up with doesn't surprise me as much as how I've decided to write for them.

This is either going to end up being a lot of fun (in which case I'll give myself a pat on the back for my ingenuity), or it's going to be a disaster of biblical proportions (in which case I'll blame Kevin). In any event, I'm very interested in seeing how everybody else is going to handle this challenge. Knowing how hard it is, I don't know that I can bring myself to post guesses on other "lost-blogger" sites in case I'm right.

Dave's Lost Blogs

Back to the blogging front...

After almost two full days of trying to fix links that Movable Type has broken, I'm giving up. The problem is just too extensive to be repaired. Any entry that had its name changed, or whose name was duplicated... even YEARS APART... is now named something entirely different. This is really devastating to me, because I pride myself on not breaking links. I would go on another rant about how stupid it is that Movable Type makes no effort to warn you about such a serious KNOWN bug, but I'm too tired. So let me once again thank Six Apart for taking three years of hard work maintaining my links and flushing it down the toilet... I appreciate that.

The up-side is that I am in good company.

I was utterly shocked at how many outgoing links I have that are broken. Not only to other blogs, but to major companies like Sony, BMW, OreIda, and many others. At first I thought that these companies were stupid for not comprehending the importance of maintaining link history, but then I thought perhaps they run their sites on Movable Type and it's not their fault.

Links are what MAKE the internet. Doesn't anybody understand that?

I am almost to the point where I don't want to create another outbound link ever again. But what fun is that?

Categories: Blogging 2006, BooksClick To It: Permalink  16 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Lost Blogging: Day 2

Posted on Tuesday, April 11th, 2006

Dave!Blogs are so cool.

Originally, I liked having a blog because it was a way to let my friends know where I was at and what I was doing. Then I liked having a blog because it let me bitch about stuff that was bothering me. Then I liked having a blog because the comments allowed me to interact with readers and find other blogs to read. Then I liked having a blog because of all the nifty people I was meeting.

And now?

Now I like having a blog because of free socks.

Yes! Free socks! A couple days ago I got a comment on my entry "I Want a Gun" from Jon, who runs a most excellent site called "Drive Right, Pass Left" (which is all about those dumbasses who drive in the left-side passing lane WITHOUT PASSING ANYBODY, which drives me insane). He was nice enough to send me a few stickers (one of which is now on my backpack), a license plate frame (which is going on my car ASAP), and a pair of socks with his site's logo embroidered on them...


At first I thought that the socks were just a fun novelty, but I tossed them in the wash and decided to try them on today. HANDS-DOWN THE MOST COMFORTABLE SOCKS I HAVE EVER WORN! Seriously, they stretch-fit so there's no bunching in your shoe. The seams are imperceptible, so they don't rub against your toes. They have some kind of miracle fabric that keeps your feet cool. These are NOT some crappy novelty... they are truly awesome socks. Jon didn't cheap-out here, he went for "Sock Guy" socks, which I had never heard of, but am now in love with.

Naturally, I am so jealous of Jon and his personalized socks that I can barely stand it. I want custom socks of my own!

Dave Socks!

Unfortunately, I don't have $650 burning a hole in my pocket to place a minimum order. Oh well. I'll just have to be happy dreaming of socks. Thanks Jon!

And in non-sock-related news...

It looks as though another "Lost Blogs" entry has appeared over at DaveSpace!

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that out of all the participating bloggers, I've guessed just ONE "lost blogger", and even that one I'm not 100% sure about.

Those of you wanting to make guesses as to my "lost blogger's" identity should send me an email at the address in my sidebar. Comments with guesses will not be approved! Who knows, there might be a prize for the first person to guess correctly! But remember the rules... you only get ONE GUESS... so make sure you're sure about who it is before contacting me, because any subsequent guesses by the same person will be tossed out. Good luck!

If you want to learn more about Pauly's book (or pre-order a copy), visit The Lost Blogs site!

Categories: Blogging 2006, Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Lost Blogging: Day 3

Posted on Tuesday, April 11th, 2006

Dave!Cheaters! I have cheaters reading my blog!

Ever since moving to a new hosting company, I've been closely monitoring my error stats to see if there's anything that needs to be fixed. Today when I checked, I noticed a bunch of people typing in "lostblogs/daythree.html" and "lostblogs/daythr.html" and "lostblogs/day3.html" - apparently looking for the next "lost blogger" entry a day early (even though it didn't exist yet). Cheaters!

Ha! I can only DREAM about being organized enough to write something a day in advance.

Sorry, but everything at Blogography is baked fresh daily, baby!

Dave Cook

Most of my entries are written first thing in the morning (like today!). I wake up, grab my trusty PowerBook to check my email, and something pops into my head to write or draw. If it turns out okay, I post it. But most of the time I let it sit until my lunch break so I can read it over and make sure I didn't say anything stupid. But since I always say something stupid, I usually try to make it less stupid and then post it. On rare occasions I can't think of anything to write about, and it's not until dinnertime that I get around to writing. In any event, I don't write ahead. Even while lost-blogging, which I'll be cooking up after this.

Oh, and before I forget... I have the bestest blog posse ever (yes, this means you!). Two days ago I was lamenting over my broken links and got a suggestion from Blogography reader Wejn on how to fix it. When I didn't understand what to do... he wrote the fix for me. I've installed it, and now my problems are solved. How cool is that? Thanks Wejn! An extra Blogography cookie for you today, fresh from the oven!

And while I am passing out cookies, I cannot forget about Bre, who left the 7000th comment here yesterday. Congratulations Bre, You just won a Blogography T-Shirt! Email me your address and the size you want to claim your prize.

And in non-baking-related news...

There's another "Lost Blogs" entry over at DaveSpace! Click here to read it!

I am hopelessly addicted to reading all 40 participants now, and many of them are getting really interesting!

Those of you wanting to make guesses as to my "lost blogger's" identity should send me an email at the address in my sidebar. Comments with guesses will not be approved! Who knows, there might be a prize for the first person to guess correctly! But remember the rules... you only get ONE GUESS... so make sure you're sure about who it is before contacting me, because any subsequent guesses by the same person will be tossed out. Good luck!

If you want to learn more about Pauly's book (or pre-order a copy), visit The Lost Blogs site!


Blogiversary III… CELEBRATE with DAVE!

Posted on Monday, April 17th, 2006

Dave!Before I jump into it, I am happy to announce that I found somebody to help me draw a winner in the runner-up T-shirt drawing from the 41 correct guesses I received. Congratulations to Gary, who joins Firda and Alexis as the lost blogger winners! And thanks again to everybody who took a guess. If you didn't win, don't be too sad, because there will be plenty of new opportunities to win something this week. And on that note...

w00t! My blogiversary is here! Back when I started three years ago, I never thought things would come this far. Blogography began as a way to stay in touch with a half-dozen friends while I travel, but has turned into something much more (for anybody who is interested, I wrote all about my humble beginnings last blogiversary). Even more amazing to me than having lasted this long, is that so many have come along for the ride. Thanks to all of you who have made the past three years such a great experience!

And to mark this momentous occasion, it's time for the Blogiversary III Kick-Ass Celebration...

Blogiversary III

Over the next four days, I'll be giving away fabulous prizes valued at over ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS...

$1000, Bitches!

Yes, you read that correctly. Once again I'll be passing out loads of stuff that I think makes life worth living. I am giving back to you, dear reader, for all that you've given to me. So write yourself a note and don't forget to drop by every day for the next four days to check out all the cool crap you can win... and be sure to check back Sunday to see if you've won it!

Blogiversary Week

Good luck everybody!

And now it's time for the rules. You might want to take a minute to read them, because I'll be referring to this stuff each day...

Dave Approved!
All of the merchandise being given away is new and factory-sealed. This is not a bunch of crap that I don't want, but fresh copies of merchandise I already love and own. All prizes are offered "as-is" and I make no warranty or promise as to their contents or condition of arrival. Any problem you experience with the merchandise will need to be handled directly with the manufacturer. If necessary, you can request to have individual prizes removed from prize packages if you do not wish the item(s), or are living somewhere which prohibits the item(s).
Blogiversary Contest!
Last year, all you had to do was send an email in order to be entered into the drawings. This year, you're going to have to work for it! The final three day's prizes will be accompanied by a contest. In order to be entered in the drawing, you'll have to pass a little test first! HOWEVER... if you have left ten or more comments here between April 25th, 2005 and April 16th, 2006... you are automatically eligible to enter, and don't have to take a quiz at all. This is just my way of rewarding those of you who make my blog so much better by leaving comments (if you are unsure about how many comments you've left, just go to the search page, enter your commenter name in the search box, then select "search comments only" and count the results that fall within the dates given). Frequent commenters get other benefits as well, so stay tuned!
Prize Availability!
Some of the merchandise being offered as prizes is made-to-order, and will not be available until mid-May. NO PRIZES WILL BE SENT BEFORE THIS TIME! If you are expecting immediate shipment of your winnings after Blogiversary III Week, don't bother entering, because it ain't gonna happen. I will make every effort to send the prizes exactly as described or shown. However, if due to unforeseen circumstances I am forced to make a substitution, I reserve the right to do so. Sorry, but winners are not allowed to request a cash prize or make substitutions.
Winner Notification!
Winners will be announced here on Sunday, April 23rd using their first name and last initial. If you would prefer to be identified by a nick-name, it's not a problem... just let me know when you send in your entry. Winners will be notified via the return email address in their entry (please make sure your address is valid!).
Shipped to Order!
All of the larger prize packages (i.e., those valued at $50-$250 or more) include domestic shipping to the 48 States of the Continental USA via surface courier. If you live outside of the Continental USA, you can still enter the contests and drawings, but you will have to share in the shipping charges. Any amount above the cost of domestic shipment will be your responsibility. I will post estimated costs to different locations to try to help you decide whether it's worth it for you to enter. PLEASE DO NOT ENTER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY YOUR SHARE OF THE SHIPPING COSTS! You are also responsible for any customs duties or taxes (if applicable). Insurance is not included in ANY shipment, so if you wish to insure your winnings, you have to pay for it yourself.
All rules are subject to change without notice

Sure I am wishing good luck to everybody, but I especially want you to win! Yes, you! Have fun.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  60 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Blogiversary III… STYLIN' with DAVE!

Posted on Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

Dave!  SORRY! VOTING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.  

Every year I release a new T-shirt to celebrate my blogiversary. First there was the classic Blogography Logo T. This sublimely elegant piece of apparel is appropriate for even the most important occasions... from your wedding day to an audience with the Queen. Then came the Bad Monkey T. This cheeky statement of artistic vision is perfect for everything from dining with foreign dignitaries to making out with Paris Hilton. But one thing is for certain... no matter which shirt you choose, you're assured of being the best-dressed person in the room.

And now here we are a year later. So what's next?

I dunno. Why don't YOU tell ME?

This year I've got FOUR new Blogography designs, and it's up to YOU to vote for which one gets printed (close-ups of all four designs are in an extended entry)...

Shirt Vote!

And since you are the one making the hard decisions, you're probably asking yourself "what's in it for me?"

Good question! How about this...

Dave Ten Dollars!

Everybody who sends in a vote will receive a valuable $10 OFF coupon to purchase any reguarly-priced shirt from the Artificial Duck store. That means you can pick up a classic white shirt for just $4.95* (+ shipping)... or the new color shirt for just $6.95* (+shipping). And these ain't no crappy iron-on designs... no way! Each shirt is custom silk-screened on premium quality Hanes Beefy-T's for the ultimate in comfort and durability!

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Every voter will ALSO be entered in a drawing with TEN chances to win a FREE* T-shirt of your choice... all you pay is the shipping charges!

  SORRY! VOTING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.  

It's almost too good to be true! So how do you vote? It's easy!

  1. Take a look at each design by clicking on the "extended entry" link below.
  2. Decide on which shirt you like best.
  3. Send an email to with your vote (write your choice in the subject line).
  4. Sit back and watch democracy in action! The winning design and ten FREE T-SHIRT winners will be announced on Sunday, April 23rd!
  5. But HURRY... your vote must be received by Saturday, April 22nd at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time).

* Please note that this prize is for sizes S-XL. Larger sizes are available for an extra charge: 2XL is $1.00 extra, 3XL is $2.00 extra. Sizes bigger than 2X are not available in colors, but I'll be happy to print any design on a white shirt: 4XL is $3.00 extra, 5XL is $4.00 extra, 6XL is $5.00 extra.

Alrighty then! Take a look at the choices and get voting (one vote per person please!)...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  68 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Blogiversary III… READ with DAVE!

Posted on Wednesday, April 19th, 2006

Dave!TODAYS'S PRIZES: Books valued at over $200!

  SORRY! THIS DRAWING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.  

No matter how far technology advances, there is nothing that can quite compare to the old-fashioned experience of sitting down with a good book... you know, those things that have paper pages and require you to turn them to navigate the story?

When I first sat down to create a list of books that I love enough to include in this year's prizes, I quickly had 100 titles without even breaking a sweat. The first thing I did was remove the more obvious ones that people had probably either already read, or had heard of and decided not to read. I then went about choosing more eclectic books that would ensure a varied mix. Lastly, I thought that I would arrange a few surprises to make things interesting. What I ended up with was a pretty gosh-darn good list that I'm really happy with. Hopefully, you'll find something that piques your interest, because they're all worth reading...


Ooooh... and this year there's something REALLY special happening...


Instructions for how to enter this drawing are given in an extended entry, and you had better hurry! In order to enter you MUST enter before 9:00pm PST (Seattle time) TOMORROW (April 20th). Take a look at what you could win:

The Unwritten Girl by James Bow.
An imaginative tale of fantasy for "young adults" that is a great read for "older adults" too. Rosemary must enter the Land of Fiction to save her brother who has, quite literally, become lost in a book! Visit the book's website here, and check out James' blog here. I have written more about The Unwritten Girl here. (Value: $12.99)
The Lost Blogs by Paul Davidson.
Long before I had ever heard of Pauly or his highly entertaining blog, I was a big fan of his first book. Now he has a brand new book where he has tirelessly compiled scores of unearthed "lost blogs" of famous historical figures from Jesus to Jim Morrison! Learn more at The Lost Blogs website. (Value: $13.95)
Blurred Line by Cavan Terrill.
Cavan's cyberpunk novel Blurred Line, takes place in a 22nd century future where corporations have become governments, the net has become sentient, and androids are carving out their own future... free from the confines of their programming. Visit the Blurred Line website and Cavan's blog. (Value: $9.95)
B3 ShirtBlogography T-Shirt.
How could this prize possibly be complete without your choice of one shirt from the Artificial Duck store? Silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the best-dressed person in the room... Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
B3 Blurred LineLast Chance to See by Douglas Adams.
This bittersweet novel documents celebrated author Douglas Adams as he sets out to see some of the world's most endangered species before they disappear. Sometimes sad, but always amusing, this is an incredibly important book that everybody should read. Includes terrific photos by zooligist Mark Carwardine. Wikipedia has a good article on Last Chance to See here. (Value: $14.95)
B3 Blurred LineHitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
You'd hardly expect that a story about the end of the world could be funny, but here's proof that any subject can make you laugh in the hands of comedy writer Douglas Adams! I included this book, because I worry most people just watched the movie and are blissfully unaware at how much better the original is. Sometimes books are much better in your head than on the screen. (Value: $7.99)
B3 Blurred LineA Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson.
I discovered Bill Bryson's work while stuck at an airport. After devouring his A Short History of Nearly Everything, I methodically tracked down and read every one of his books. He's probably the best travel writer I've ever read, and A Walk in the Woods is one of my favorites. Join Bryson as he hikes the length of the Appalachian Trail and laugh your ass off at the hilarity that ensues. (Value: $14.95)
B3 TarzanTarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Thanks to a series of crappy movies and crappier TV shows, most people have no idea how brilliant Tarzan is. All they remember is inane crap like "ME TARZAN, YOU JANE" and think he is some kind of grunting idiot that hangs out in the jungle with a monkey. The truth is shockingly different, and Tarzan of the Apes is a classic that everybody should read to know the true story. (Value: $4.95)
B3 A Princess of MarsA Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Edgar Rice Burroughs first story is a stunningly imaginative work that deftly combines elements of sci-fi, adventure, romance, and even a little mystery. Considering it was written in 1912, it was far ahead of its time too. Join Confederate soldier John Carter as he is transported to the planet Mars for the adventure of a lifetime. (Value: $6.50)
B3 Lost BlogsNoble House by James Clavell.
My favorite fiction novel ever, I have read Noble House at least a dozen times. Most famous for his book Shogun, Clavell crafts a huge story of contemporary Hong Kong that has a dizzying number of subplots to keep you occupied for hours. Exceedingly deep and complex, this novel has suspense, intrigue, espionage, romance, action and mystery so fascinating that you can't read it just once! (Value: $7.99)
B3 Blurred LineLightning by Dean Koontz.
Dean Koontz is best-known for his horror novels, which is a real shame... because Lightning gets ignored as "just another horror story" when it is anything but. It is actually a sci-fi time-travel novel with a nifty twist, and one of my favorite Koontz books. Every time I re-read it, I wonder why he doesn't write more sci-fi because he's really good at it! (Value: $7.99)
B3 Blurred LineWatchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons.
I loathe to have the label "comic book" applied to Watchmen, but that's pretty much what we're stuck with. This definitive graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons imagines what might happen if super-heroes existed in the real world rather than some goofy fictionalized version of it. The result is a breathtaking exploration of what comics could be, but rarely are. (Value: $19.99)
B3 Blurred LineThe Mighty Thor: Volume 2 by Walter Simonson.
I don't read comic books much anymore, but still like to pick up a graphic novel from time to time. Most recently, I've been re-reading all those great Thor stories by Walt Simonson, and thought that I would toss one into the mix. Volume 1 is sold out (and I ain't parting with mine!), so I've included a copy of Volume 2, jam-packed with Thunder-God action. (Value: $24.99)

And that's not all! This year you get two other chances to win...

B3 ShirtBlogography T-Shirt.
How could this prize possibly be complete without your choice of one shirt from the Artificial Duck store? Silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the best-dressed person in the room. (Value: $14.95 to $16.95).
B3 TarzanTarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Thanks to a series of crappy movies and crappier TV shows, most people have no idea how brilliant Tarzan is. All they remember is inane crap like "ME TARZAN, YOU JANE" and think he is some kind of grunting idiot that hangs out in the jungle with a monkey. The truth is shockingly different, and Tarzan of the Apes is a classic that everybody should read to know the true story. (Value: $4.95)
B3 A Princess of MarsA Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Edgar Rice Burroughs first story is a stunningly imaginative work that deftly combines elements of sci-fi, adventure, romance, and even a little mystery. Considering it was written in 1912, it was far ahead of its time too. Join Confederate soldier John Carter as he is transported to the planet Mars for the adventure of a lifetime. (Value: $6.50)

Now how cool is all that? Brilliant reads enough to keep you busy for months! Better enter now before time runs out...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006, BooksClick To It: Permalink  44 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Thursday, April 20th, 2006

Dave!Response to Blogiversary III has, so far, been very different than I expected. But in a good way. I couldn't be happier, so thanks everybody!

IMPORTANT!: Leaving a comment does NOT enter you in any of the contests! You MUST send an email as mentioned in the entry instructions!

Anyway, I thought maybe a hundred people would vote for T-shirts... on the outside. I get large numbers of "unique visitors" to my home page on a daily basis, but only a small fraction of them leave comments or participate in Blogography stuff in any way. Well, this morning I awoke to a total which is rapidly approaching 300. If everybody who voted turns in their $10 coupon for a shirt, that's $3000 I've given away right there! Well, not really... I'd crap myself if I had to pay out $3000 in cash... it's far less than that, but still a very surprising response. I am most pleased!


And yes, the "Zombies Ate My Brain" shirt is ahead in the voting by a fairly large margin. But, given the unexpected response, I might not wait a full year before offering another design. I guess I'll wait and see how many people actually end up turning in their coupon and getting a shirt.

The "READ with DAVE" giveaway reaction has been strange indeed. I created a quiz for everybody who hasn't left 10 comments and made it a requirement to enter the drawing. This was meant to reward those who contribute to my blog by allowing them to enter without the hassle. But here's the thing... most everyone (and I'm talking 80% or better) who isn't required to take the quiz is doing it anyway! Apparently, searching through my blog for answers to simple questions is big fun, and I wasn't expecting that. Yet only 72 people have entered. Part of the reason is because international readers don't want to pay shipping charges on a heavy box of books, but I think there is a fair amount of people who aren't entering simply because they don't want to take five minutes and search for quiz answers. Yet those who don't have to do it are doing it anyway? Interesting.

I get a lot of people who are writing notes to me in their email entries, and questioning whether or not I read them. The answer is yes... I read every single email entry I get! But with 350+ to sort through, I'm a bit behind just now.   :-)

See you in an hour with today's new prize giveaway!

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  19 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Blogiversary III… LISTEN with DAVE!

Posted on Thursday, April 20th, 2006

Dave!TODAYS'S PRIZES: $200 worth of music (and stuff)!

  SORRY! THIS DRAWING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.  

Coming up with a music prize is a very difficult thing to do. First of all, everybody has wildly different tastes. It's impossible to come up with a single solution that's going to make everybody happy. Second of all, if somebody likes a band, they're bound to have all their stuff already. So the challenge is to come up with something that isn't going to be too out of the mainstream, yet unique enough that people don't already own it. In the end, I simply selected stuff I like that I think can appeal to the widest audience without being too generic. Instructions for entering are in an extended entry.


And just in case the dumbasses at the RIAA are listening, these are all brand new CDs... I don't steal music...

B3 ShirtBlogography T-Shirt.
How could I possibly create any prize without including a rockin' Blogography T-shirt from the Artificial Duck Store? Lovingly silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the coolest cat in even the hottest clubs... Liz & Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
B3 a-haMinor Earth, Major Sky, by a-ha
Anybody who thinks that 80's pop band "a-ha" peaked with their hit Take on Me has absolutely no idea how wrong they are. The band went on to create some stunning albums that were never released in the USA because executives at record labels are dumbasses. Minor Earth, Major Sky is a mature, mellow work tempered with pop sensibility that results in some truly great songs. I get chills whenever such beautiful works as To Let You Win and I Wish I Cared get rotated into my shuffle play. But, to be completely honest, there's not a bad song in the bunch, and I never tire of listening to ANY of it. Who cares if it's a $25 import? Worth every penny! Since I can't give you a link to something THAT DOESN'T EXIST (at least for the American iTunes Music Store), I've put up a small MP3 snippet to whet your appetite: LetYouWin.mp3. (Value $25.49)
B3 a-haLifelines, by a-ha
This follow-up to Minor Earth, Major Sky would be perfect if not for one of the stupidest songs ever: Oranges on Apple Trees. If you can ignore this one blight on an otherwise superb CD, you're in for a treat. Time & Again is probably one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard, and Turn Down The Lights features a duet with Anneli Drekker that is so achingly beautiful that it sends a chill though me just thinking about it. Again, I would love to point USA readers to a link so you could buy it from the iTMS, but it's not there. Instead, I'm posting small snippets so you can hear a bit of what you're missing: TimeAndAgain.mp3 and TurnDownLights.mp3. (Value $15.49)
B3 The ShoreThe Shore, by The Shore
When I decided to do a "music day" for Blogiversary III, my first idea was to contact the management for The Shore and see if I could get a deal on 50 copies of their debut CD for prizes. But I didn't have enough time, and so I had to be content with including a copy of this brilliant work in the "LISTEN with DAVE" Grand Prize. Seriously though, I have no idea why this band isn't a mega-huge, chart-topping smash. They have a "classic rock" vibe to their music, and seem to be very much influenced by more modern bands like Coldplay and Oasis. I'd try to pick a favorite track but, with the exception of "Firefly" which is kind of a mess, I love them all equally. Even if you don't win this prize package, you should do yourself a favor and check out The Shore. If you are an iTunes user, here's a link for The Shote on the iTMS. (Value $11.99)
B3 FilterTitle of Record, by Filter
As any fan of Nine Inch Nails can tell you, there ain't no substitute for the real thing. Unfortunately, this leaves us high and dry while waiting for "major" new releases (it took SIX YEARS between The Fragile and With Teeth!). The auxiliary releases around each new album help, but it's the cohesive albums I like best. In some respects, this doesn't bother me, because I'd rather have a few awesome albums and a single here and there instead of frequent releases of crap. But it is a bit frustrating, and I'm always looking for something to fill the void. Of all the wannabes, Filter is my favorite (possibly because member Richard Patrick is a former member of the touring band). This second album is more of a departure from the Nine Inch Nails sound than the first, but the remaining influences are great. For those looking for lighter fare, Title of Record has a couple of mellow tracks (including the haunting Take a Picture). If you have iTunes, have a listen at the iTMS. (Value $11.99)
B3 Depeche ModeUltra, by Depeche Mode
Depeche Mode is one of those bands that I love so deeply that I fully admit to being biased toward liking most anything they do. But when it comes to Ultra, I don't have to put blinders on to appreciate it. This is, simply put, one of the best albums ever made, yet is somehow completely overlooked (even by Depeche Mode fans). Surprisingly, all this magic happened without musical genius Alan Wilder, who left DM after their mega-smash Violator album. Ultra is a very deep experience that is much darker and intense than previous efforts. My favorite song is probably Insight, but I loathe to choose just one. If you are an iTunes user, here's a link to this album on the iTMS. (Value $11.99)
B3 BrightmanDive, by Sarah Brightman
Whenever Celine Dion is praised for her vocal stylings, I laugh my ass off thinking of how she positively pales in comparison to Sara Brightman. Sure Celine was pretty good back before she started whoring herself out in Vegas, but she hasn't really broken any new ground in over a decade. Sarah Brightman, on the other hand, is a stage performer who is legendary for belting out sensual vocals in such plays as "The Phantom of the Opera", yet has an eerie ability to subdue herself to an almost ethereal presence when required. It doesn't hurt that she's scorching hot on top of it all. Dive (released in 1993) is a successful attempt to cross over into more pop-oriented themes, and remains a favorite of mine when I want to mellow out. If you've got iTunes, here's a link to the album on the iTMS (if you go, be sure to check out her cover of Queen's Who Wants to Live Forever and, for a really good laugh, take a listen to her version of Don't Cry Argentina and marvel how Madonna ever had the balls to even attempt it). (Value $11.99)
B3 Lost BlogsGreatest Hits, by the Psychedelic Furs
This is one of those "one hit wonders" who never achieved wide-spread success outside of one major hit (Pretty in Pink). This is quite a shame, because there was some great stuff in their back-catalog, and they then went on to do some even more brilliant music. My iPod has such minor hits as Love My Way, Heaven, The Ghost In You, Heartbreak Beat, and Until She Comes in heavy rotation, and dearly wish that The Furs would come out with a new album. (Value $11.99)

And, just in case you aren't lucky enough to nab the "big prize", there's two other chances to win...

B3 ShirtBlogography T-Shirt.
How could I possibly create any prize without including a rockin' Blogography T-shirt from the Artificial Duck Store? Lovingly silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the coolest cat in even the hottest clubs... Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
B3 a-haMinor Earth, Major Sky, by a-ha
Anybody who thinks that 80's pop band "a-ha" peaked with their hit Take on Me has absolutely no idea how wrong they are. The band went on to create some stunning albums that were never released in the USA because executives at record labels are dumbasses. Minor Earth, Major Sky is a mature work tempered with pop sensibility that results in some truly great songs. I get chills whenever such beautiful works as To Let You Win and I Wish I Cared get rotated into my shuffle play. But, to be completely honest, there's not a bad song in the bunch, and I never tire of listening to ANY of it. Who cares if it's a $25 import? Worth every penny! Since I can't give you a link to something THAT DOESN'T EXIST (at least for the American iTunes Music Store), I've put up a few MP3 snippets to whet your appetite: ToLetYouWin.mp3 and IWishICared.mp3. (Value $25.49)

And there you have it, enough music to put a dent in your iPod! Better get that entry in quickly...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006, Music 2006Click To It: Permalink  33 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Blogiversary III… WATCH with DAVE!

Posted on Friday, April 21st, 2006

Dave!TODAYS'S PRIZES: $290 worth of DVDs (and stuff)!

  SORRY! THIS DRAWING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.  

Coming up with prizes for a blogiversary celebration is a difficult task. Not only do you run the risk of picking out stuff that people don't want, but you have to make your prize world-friendly. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. Last year I did a food entry, and found out export of food items is prohibited to many countries. Books are heavy, so shipping is expensive. And when it comes to videos... well, that's the toughest of all. DVDs are "region encoded", which mean that they don't play outside of the area you bought them. Last year, I thought I would fix this by including both a DVD and a VHS videotape for each movie. Little did I know, this was even more stupid, because video formats are different around the world too. Apparently there's no real solution.

So unfortunately, if you live outside of "Region 1" (the USA and Canada), you won't be able to watch any of today's prize-winning DVDs unless you have a "region-free" DVD player. Sorry, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. Please keep all this in mind if you live outside the USA and Canada and decide to enter. Though, I must say, this collection of brilliant video may well be worth tracking down a region-free player to watch...

B3 Watch Dave

Sweet! And away we go...

B3 ShirtBlogography T-Shirt
Even the best movie or television show pales in comparison to how cool you are when wearing a sweet Blogography T-shirt! Artfully silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the best-dressed person in the room... Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
B3 Veronica MarsVeronica Mars: The Complete First Season
Yeah, big surprise considering I feel Veronica Mars is the best show on television. Period. The only show I've ever enjoyed more was another Rob Thomas creation, Jeremy Piven's Cupid. And to think I almost passed it up because I had thought it was going to be yet another high school drama crapfest. But NOOOOoooo! Veronica Mars is smart, funny, brilliant television with the best mysteries of any show yet seen. Veronica is a typical student at uber-posh Neptune High, until the murder of her best friend turns her world upside down. Now she helps her father run a private investigation office, all while helping her friends at school, and always trying to solve the biggest mystery of all: who killed Lilly Kane? Every episode is a piece of a bigger puzzle, with the ultimate solution so good that you'll be compelled to watch every episode all over again top spot the clues you missed. Highest possible recommendation. (Value: $49.95)
B3 WonderfallsWonderfalls: The Complete Series
As if to prove that ABC isn't the only television network that can destroy a brilliant television show with incompetent scheduling and marketing... FOX decided to screw one of the freshest, most interesting show they've ever had: Wonderfalls. Jaye Tyler is uninspired and going nowhere in life. She passes her time by working in a gift shop at Niagara Falls and avoiding meaningful interaction with people at all costs. But when inanimate objects start speaking to her, she's forced to get involved with not only her family, but complete strangers as well. Featuring funny, biting humor that's anchored by an amazing cast, Wonderfalls is must-see television that very few people got to see. (Value $39.95)
B3 South ParkSouth Park: The Complete Second Season
South Park is one of those shows you either love or hate. You either appreciate it as some of the smartest, guttiest, satire of pop culture ever created... or condemn it as a crappily-animated cartoon with four foul-mouthed kids that should be banned from the air. Me? I love it for both reasons! The second season of South Park is probably one of my most favorite, mostly because it contains an episode devoted entirely to Terrance & Philip, who are probably my favorite animated characters ever. Sure this isn't a show for everybody, but if you can get past the potty humor, foul language, and sometimes disgusting antics... it remains brilliant commentary on just about everything going on in the world today. (Value: $49.95)
B3 Cinema ParadisoCinema Paradiso: The Director's Expanded Edition
I can't stand romance movies. They're all so lame and cliched... with sappy dialogue and often totally unrealistic premises. Only rarely do I ever see a romance film that's worth a crap, and most of the time it's because they have something else to offer. And most of those films are foreign (Amelie, A Very Long Engagement, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon being excellent examples). And so we come to Cinema Paradiso. This film tells the story of Toto, a young boy growing up in a small village in war-torn Italy. With his father gone, Toto turns to the projectionist at the local theater for guidance. He quickly develops a love for movies, which become the driving passion in his life. But as Toto grows up, he finds that movies don't have all the answers when it comes to love and life. Easily one of my favorite films of all time, Cimena Paradiso is a rare movie romance that works on every possible level. The DVD contains TWO versions of the film... the original, and an extended version that has a revelation so shocking that it completely changes the meaning of the movie. I recommend watching the original (shorter) edit first, because it would be difficult to feel the same about some of the characters if you watched the extended cut first. (Value: $14.95)
B3 Clerks AnimatedClerks, The Complete Animated Series: Uncensored
In counting the ways that ABC television has screwed brilliant television shows because of rampant stupidity, the animated Clerks series would occupy at least five spots... probably more. It is well-made, highly entertaining, and laugh-out-loud funny (basically, everything you want in a cartoon). I had my doubts that a fairly vulgar movie like Clerks could ever be adequately adapted for network television, but Kevin Smith somehow managed to do it, and do it well. At the core of Clerks is two guys stuck in a dead-end job who stopped caring about it long ago... now they're just trying to make it through another day. Hilarity ensues. Watch it now as preparation for Clerks II, coming this summer! (Value: $14.95)
B3 Veronica MarsBedazzled
This movie stars the incomparable Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil. What more do you really need to know? As an added bonus, this is actually a really good film... filled with all the things that make life worth living: Liz being funny, Liz being sexy, Liz being cute, Liz being naughty, and Liz in a bikini. If that weren't enough, there's also a positive life message to wrap it all up. If you haven't seen this movie yet, then I fear for your immortal soul. (Declared Value: $9.95. Actual Value: Priceless)

And, as if that weren't enough, you've got two other chances to win if the Grand Prize eludes you...

B3 ShirtBlogography T-Shirt
Even the best movie or television show pales in comparison to how cool you are when wearing a sweet Blogography T-shirt! Artfully silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the best-dressed person in the room... Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
B3 Cinema ParadisoCinema Paradiso: The Director's Expanded Edition
I can't stand romance movies. They're all so lame and cliched... with sappy dialogue and often totally unrealistic premises. Only rarely do I ever see a romance film that's worth a crap, and most of the time it's because they have something else to offer. And most of those films are foreign (Amelie, A Very Long Engagement, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon being excellent examples). And so we come to Cinema Paradiso. This film tells the story of Toto, a young boy growing up in a small village in war-torn Italy. With his father gone, Toto turns to the projectionist at the local theater for guidance. He quickly develops a love for movies, which become the driving passion in his life. But as Toto grows up, he finds that movies don't have all the answers when it comes to love and life. Easily one of my favorite films of all time, Cimena Paradiso is a rare movie romance that works on every possible level. The DVD contains TWO versions of the film... the original, and an extended version that has a revelation so shocking that it completely changes the meaning of the movie. I recommend watching the original (shorter) edit first, because it would be difficult to feel the same about some of the characters if you watched the extended cut first. (Value: $14.95)
B3 Clerks AnimatedClerks, The Complete Animated Series: Uncensored
In counting the ways that ABC television has screwed brilliant television shows because of rampant stupidity, the animated Clerks series would occupy at least five spots... probably more. It is well-made, highly entertaining, and laugh-out-loud funny (basically, everything you want in a cartoon). I had my doubts that a fairly vulgar movie like Clerks could ever be adequately adapted for network television, but Kevin Smith somehow managed to do it, and do it well. At the core of Clerks is two guys stuck in a dead-end job who stopped caring about it long ago... now their just trying to make it through another day. Hilarity ensues. Watch it now as preparation for Clerks II, coming this summer! (Value: $14.95)

Prizes so good, I almost wish that I could enter this one myself! To see how YOU can enter, read onward...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...


Blogiversary III… SCAM with DAVE!

Posted on Friday, April 21st, 2006

Dave!Want to know the best thing about my Kick-Ass Blogiversary III Celebration? Not the fact that I get to have some fun promoting my favorite books, music, and movies. Not the fact that I get to share cool new T-shirts with Blogography readers (at below-cost, I might add). And certainly not the fact that it's just a way to say "thanks" to everybody who has kept me blogging in the first place. Oh no! The REAL reason that I love it is because of all the wonderful people who have sent me such kind, encouraging emails!

My favorite was from the laughably misnamed chuckle-head "The Real Dave" who wrote to congratulate me on the clever scam I am running to steal email addresses so I can sell them to spammers! Here is my reply...

Dude! you SO got me all figured out! I mean, never mind the THREE YEARS I spent building up a reputation with Blogography... I am all about the scam now! Seriously, do you KNOW how much money that spammers will pay for a fresh email address? Well neither do I, but a quick Google search shows that I can buy 100,000 names for just $20, so I am guessing that I can get TWO WHOLE PENNIES for the hundreds of names I scammed! Wow... and here I thought all those people claiming to make money on the internet were full of shit! Yet here I am making 2¢ in just a week! And just think... another one-thousand-two-hundred-and-sixty-eight years of this, and I can retire! Woohoo!
Since you were the only one brilliant enough to uncover my secret plan, THREE YEARS IN THE MAKING, I feel it's only fair that I share my profits with you. Please forward you address in all haste, and I'll get that penny right out to you!! You sir, are a frickin' GENIUS!!

But that wasn't enough. He wrote back again to tell me "nice try" and that anybody can take pictures of crap from Amazon and claim to have prizes... I'm not showing any REAL merchandise and so this is just a scam. Here is my reply...

OMFG, DUDE! You have just so totally blown the lid off of my Master Plan! Congratulations, because you are the Austin Powers to my Dr. Evil... THERE REALLY IS NO MERCHANDISE! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! SUCKERS!! Please let me know when you run for president, because you totally have my vote for reals!

So, to everybody who entered, I thought I would just let you know that this was all an elaborate scam before you have to hear it on FOX News or something. I threw away THREE YEARS and sold you all out for 2¢, and it was totally worth it! And, to all of you who haven't entered yet, please continue to send in those emails! Who knows, if enough of you fall for this, I may get a whole 3¢ when this all ends on Saturday!

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go listen to my three new a-ha import CDs of Major Earth, Minor Sky... ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! BWAAH HA HA HAAAAH!

Major Skies Trio

This is almost as good as the gal who wrote to tell me she hated my blog and its "nihilistic world view", but then proceeded to enter all the drawings! You rock girl! I so hope that you win!

Sometimes being an evil scamming genius is SO rewarding!

UPDATE: This just in from the peanut gallery: "I'm famous! In the interest of fairness you should tell your readers that I asked if you were selling email addresses to spammers. Asking is different than accusing. - The Real Dave". Touche my suspicious new best friend. Touche. And the answer is "yes!" Yes I AM selling email addresses to spammers... starting with yours. Those penis enlargement emails should start arriving any day now...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  44 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Saturday, April 22nd, 2006

Dave!Today is the penultimate day of Blogiversary III Celebration week! And while I wait for 9:00pm to arrive, I am taking my life in my own hands by defying a goddess.

This is not an easy thing to do, especially considering that the goddess in this instance is the charming, talented, and scorching hot Liz, who I love more than Coke with Lime (and if you've been reading Blogography for any length of time, you know that's quite a lot). Today on Everyday Goddess, Liz takes issue with people who do not properly enclose punctuation within quote marks:

Witness The Horror:
        He likes to call it "the muff".
Now what, WHAT, is going on with that period? See how sad and lonely? See how ridiculous and downright FLOATING-OUT-IN-THE-MIDDLE-OF-NOWHERE it looks?

You can read the whole story here, and I agree that she is 100% correct. Every rule book tells you that periods and commas should be enclosed within the quotes just as she says. It drives me crazy too.

But, alas, I refuse.

At least I do when I am writing for the web.

When I am writing for PRINT, where letter forms are spaced properly, and I am in control of kerning, tracking, and leading, then I do indeed follow the proper grammatical rules. Because in print, I know that it will turn out looking as it should...


See that? See the beautiful way that the the end-quote floats ABOVE the period in that sentence? She how wonderful it is that you can understand perfectly that the quote is a part of the text? But look at what we get when we try the same thing on the web...


AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! That end-quote might as well be in another Zip code! By the time I finally get to it FLOATING WAY OVER THERE, I've forgotten that it even went with the sentence that preceded it! In fact, it is SO removed from things that, to me at least, it looks as though you are starting a NEW quote!!

That drives me even MORE insane than doing it the wrong way...


Ah! There we go! The quote is actually next to the text as it should be, and all is right with the world!

So, until typography on the web moves out of the stone age, I will continue to violate the rules because it looks better to me. And also because a very wise person told me THERE ARE NO RULES IN BLOGGING.

And, with this in mind, I do a lot of things I shouldn't. Like using boatloads of unnecessary ellipses everywhere (those are the "..." dots you see way too much here). And not omitting the final comma in a list. And starting sentences with prepositions. And using run-on sentences for dramatic effect. And dozens of other things I do wrong so as to express myself as I want.

So my sincerest apologies to Liz, because I love her more than buttered toast (and if you've been reading Blogography for any length of time, you know that's quite a lot) but I remain in defiance of a rule that makes my blog look yucky.

(But I do work hard to not confuse "their" with "they're" and "your" with "you're" because that crap drives me nuts!)

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  50 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Blogiversary III… ANSWERS with DAVE!

Posted on Saturday, April 22nd, 2006

Dave!Woo hoo! Alrighty then. It is now 9:00pm PST, which means all Blogiversary III contests are now closed for entries. Many thanks to everybody who entered this week, and thanks again for helping to make this blogiversary celebration the best yet!

So what happens now?

Well, since I strive for fairness in the drawings, I won't be doing anything except printing out a complete list of everybody who entered each contest and handing it over to an impartial third party to pick the names out of a hat. I'll then record each name and work up a winner's list that will be posted tomorrow afternoon.

Best of luck everybody!

Oh, and for those of you who are curious to know the answers to all of the quizzes, I've put them into an extended entry (along with where to find them)... → Click here to continue reading this entry...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Blogiversary III… WINNING with DAVE!

Posted on Sunday, April 23rd, 2006

Dave!TIME TO CELEBRATE! Okay then, all the contests for the Blogiversary III Kick-Ass Online Celebration have been closed. Thanks again to everybody who participated!

YOU ARE A WINNER! Anybody who voted or entered in a competition will get $10 off any regularly-priced T-shirts from the Artificial Duck Store (shipping not included) so, when you look at it that way, everybody wins!

Okay... here I go... when I return, I'll have a list of the winners!

$1000, Bitches!

And I'm back! Congratulations to everybody who nabbed a prize! I tried to use commenter names, where they exist (and if I could find them), but all winners will be receiving an email confirmation later today in case there is any confusion.


  • READ RUNNER-UP PRIZE #1: Run Jen Run.
  • READ RUNNER-UP PRIZE #2: Jonathan W.




  • WATCH RUNNER-UP PRIZE #1: Chanakin.

The following ten winners get a FREE T-shirt (not including shipping charges) from the Artificial Duck Store...

  • Cat J. W.
  • Kilax.
  • Marc Z.
  • MichaelSean.
  • Ninja Poodles.
  • Heather H.
  • Therese N.
  • Chaz L.
  • Mikey M.
  • Wade L.

And the T-shirt which got the most votes? Yeah, it ended up being "Zombies Ate My Brain" by quite a margin...


From the surprising number of voters who turned out, every design actually got enough votes to be printed... even for just a limited edition run (which I could offer at discount). Depending on how many people respond to the $10 OFF deal, I may end up having other designs printed too.

HOW WINNERS WERE SELECTED: A list of everybody who entered each contest was printed out on little cards. These cards were cut apart, dropped into a plastic bucket, and shaken thoroughly. I then had somebody who has absolutely no association with Blogography draw names. This was repeated for each contest. After the READ, LISTEN, and WATCH prize winners had been drawn, their names were removed from the T-shirt drawing to maximize the number of winners we get (no need to be greedy, since they've already won a T-shirt anyway!).

I'M A WINNER! NOW WHAT? Your winning entry will be confirmed via email with instructions on how to claim your prize. The new shirts will not be printed until mid-May, so prizes will be shipped after that time. Those receiving a $10 OFF coupon will be receiving a confirming email when the Artificial Duck Store re-opens on Wednesday so they can pre-order their shirt choice.

THAT'S A WRAP! Though the original idea was to come up with $1000 in prizes to give away, response to the T-shirt vote exceeded my wildest dreams. If everybody who voted claims their $10 OFF Coupon, the prizes given away this year end up totaling just over $4000. I cannot imagine what will happen for Blogiversary IV. One thing I am considering for next year is having more smaller prizes instead of putting so much money into the Grand Prizes. This way, more people would win... but the down-side is that my shipping costs would increase by quite a lot. Hmmm... something to think about over the next year!

Thanks again everybody!

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  40 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Monday, April 24th, 2006

Dave!As great as Blogiversary III has been, I am secretly relieved that it is all over. Usually a blog entry only takes about 10 minutes for me to write up (20-25 at the most if I decided to draw a cartoon), but the past two weeks of "Lost Bloging" and "Blogiversary" antics have taken HOURS out of every day that I am very glad to have back. After all, I've got a box full of Batman Lego that's not going to put itself together.

Drawing this year's prize winners was more painful than last time. I consider many of those who entered to be my friends, and it kills me that everybody can't win something fantastic. I guess that's why I don't have the guts to draw the names myself, and have to get somebody else to do it. I am such a weenie. I need to either stop caring, or become a billionaire. Anyway, thanks to everybody for their kind words... win or lose.

And now for the thing you've all been waiting for since seeing the title of this entry. It's time for porn!

Well, kind of...

Dave Stripper

Every once in a while I get some kind of porn catalog in my mailbox. I think I owe this to Bad Robert, who signed me up for something a year ago as a joke. Its an automatic habit to toss this stuff in the garbage, because once you've seen one porn catalog you've pretty much seen them all. So this weekend while I was sorting through my mail, I ran across a Priority Mail envelope with porn stuff inside and tossed it. But after I had thrown it away, I noticed that something was different. A second look showed me that it was NOT a porn catalog.

It was a job offer.

And, before you let your mind wander off in a totally wrong direction, let me clarify that.

It was NOT an offer for me to appear in porn. Sure I have a great ass, but I don't think anybody would want to see me in anything porn-related. No, it was a job offer to do some graphic design work for a porn company. A guy I used to work with had forwarded it to me to see if I was interested.

And if I wasn't so totally backlogged, I would seriously consider it.

But even though I decided I couldn't take the job, I did decide to take a look through the promotion kit. And it was then that I noticed something entirely shocking... women are not the only ones who are practicing "nether-region landscaping". Apparently male porn stars are now enamored with the idea of shaving everything down to a 1-inch square. Like a penis soul-patch or something.

That's some bizarre shit right there.

Yet another compelling reason to stick to more "porn-efficient" all-lesbian action, I suppose.

And, in a segue I never thought I'd be making... we go from porn to Betty White erotica.

Well, kind of...


Family Guy had a brilliant appearance by Betty last night. Once again, she totally kicked ass and stole the show. Whoever thought to cast her as the "books on tape" reader for Peter's erotic novel is a genius. I maintain that Betty White should make guest appearances on ALL television shows. And can somebody tell me why Disney/Pixar hasn't cast her as the voice of a cartoon character yet? Betty rules...

Welcome to Peterotica on tape! I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian, or maybe Some Kind of Spanish by Peter Griffin. Chapter One: "Oh God you should have seen this one hot chick. She was totally Italian. Or maybe some kind of Spanish...."

Along the way, we also find out that Stewie is a Mac user, and are treated to an appearance by the pre-penis-weilding Kool-Aid man. I love that show.



Posted on Wednesday, April 26th, 2006

Dave!This morning I got a phone call from a fellow designer who wanted advice on how to best run a straight pattern around the edge of a circle. There are many ways to approach this challenge, but I told her my favorite way is to dice the design into pieces and turn the pieces into a font. Then you simply type the pieces around a circle. It's a lot of work, but it gives you the most flexibility.

After thanking me for the help, the conversation took a curious turn...

Samantha: So what are you going to do for CSS Reboot this year?
Dave: Uhhh... what's that?
Sam: It's a redesign for you web site using web standards.
Dave: Ah, well my blog is already standards-based.
Sammy: Yeah, but you've had the same design forever. Don't you want to try something new?
Dave: Not really.
Sam-O: Well that's disappointing.

And I suppose that deep down it's disappointing to me too. With the exception of adding rotating cartoon headers, changing the background to black, and adding tabs... the design for Blogography is pretty much the same as it's always been...


But here's the problem... I like it exactly how it is now. It's clean, simple, and allows the content to have prominence. About the only thing I would change would be to add "MaxWidth" to prevent everything from getting too spread out on really wide displays. But Internet Explorer doesn't handle it properly, so I guess there's nothing to be done.

So, to everybody who is bored with my design, I'm sorry to report that I won't be changing it any time soon.

Doesn't everybody read their blogs via web feed anyway?

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  38 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Monday, May 8th, 2006

Dave!Whenever I write about some of the freakier Blogography emails I get here, I'm assured of some blogger leaving a comment that says something like this: "at least people pay attention to what you say... I'd kill to get hate mail or ANY mail out of my blog". I then chuckle softly to myself knowing that they would feel quite differently if they actually had to put up with some of the crap I get.

As an example...

In an entry for last year, I had mentioned a "sex switch" (as in GENDER, you perv!) Halloween party from years ago where I dressed up as Wonder Woman. It was big fun and I put a lot of work into getting the costume right. In the comments I had mentioned that I didn't have any pictures of it, but feared that a friend might have taken photos and would post them on the internet some day. Shortly after that, a friend who reads my blog DID manage to track down a drunken pic of Wonder-Dave and emailed it to me. I got a laugh out of it, then filed it away so there will be something interesting to show at my funeral.

But then I get an email from some guy on Friday who said he was trying to build a Wonder Woman costume and wanted to know if I ever found pictures, because he'd like to see how I managed it. I wrote back and said that while I did have a photo, I'm afraid I won't be sending it, because it's personal and I don't want it posted to a pervy website or anything.

The next day I get a reply where he assures me that he won't share the pic, and he really would appreciate it if I could send it to him. I wrote back and politely declined, saying that I wouldn't give it to some of my closest friends, let alone somebody I've never met.

Saturday night I get yet another email. This time the tone is much different. He's hostile now, and wants to know why I won't trust him. Then, as if to encourage me, he attaches some pictures of himself in various costumes... some of which I cannot even begin to describe without inviting search engine hits I really don't want. Suffice to say that this guy likes to dress up as famous women, and looks really good as Cher.

I'm kind of scared now. There is no way I am sending the photo, and yet I really would like to diffuse the situation, so I draw up a cartoon for him and say "sorry, but this is the only photo I'll be sending"...

Wonder Dave

I didn't hear anything on Sunday, and thought that it was over.

I was wrong.

This morning I get this ranting email about how I am a judgmental prick. How I am a close-minded idiot who can't accept other people. Yadda yadda yadda. After reading it, I came to the conclusion that it takes a pretty big dumbass to think this of me just because I won't share a personal photo, and deleted it. I won't even bother to open anything else that arrives from him.

So yeah, I like getting comments and emails from my readers. Always have. But when things like this happen, I have to question my sanity in having a blog at all. The more things I write about and the larger my archives grow, the more search engines are going to set me up for freaky-ass search results. Then even more crap like this is going to happen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.

On the up-side... doesn't cartoon Dave look FABULOUS dressed up as Wonder Woman?



Posted on Thursday, May 11th, 2006

Dave!Oh look! It's a trio of things that bug the crap out of me!

I love getting comments on my blog. I can only assume that other bloggers like getting comments too, so I try to leave them when I can. Unfortunately, given my time constraints, it isn't as often as I'd like. For every comment I leave, that's time I could have spent reading other blogs. On top of that, it seems that comments are getting more and more time consuming to write thanks to "captchas"...


Captchas are those goofy little code blocks you have to decipher in order to leave comments on so many blogs now-a-days. They are supposed to foil spammers, but they keep getting longer and more complicated, so they are foiling me too. It sucks, but whatcha gonna do? I'm thinking of initiating my own captcha system for Blogography comments. But I'm not settling for today's technology. I've developed my own Super-Captcha of The Future...


Oh yeah! Suck on that spammer bitches!

A pity captchas bug this crap out of me, because mine is sweet.

I don't really care for Hillary Clinton. Never have. Her politics and position on issues never seems to quite mesh with mine. I'm particularly against her censorship-driven stance against all forms of violence in media... from video games to television. It's not the job of society to babysit other people's kids. If I want to run around shooting fake people in my Xbox to keep me from going out and shooting real people with a gun, it's none of your f#@%ing business.


But then she goes and drafts a brilliant bit of legislation which binds Congressional pay rates to the National minimum wage index. This means that dip-shit politicians can't keep voting themselves pay raises again and again and again, while people trying to survive on minimum wage get shafted. Any raise in Congressional pay has to be matched with an equal percentage raise in minimum wage! Sweet. I'm for anything that limits Congressional idiots from rewarding themselves with pay raises they DON'T deserve.

It bugs the crap out of me that I am actually admiring Hillary Clinton for something, but this would be it.

If there's one thing I absolutely loathe about television shows, it's repetition. Characters who do not develop or grow in-between episodes. Situations that never change. Plots that are recycled over and over and over again. Why should I bother to tune in if it's just going to be the same shit I've already seen?

The show Medium is a classic example. EVERY EPISODE Allison has a psychic vision about something in her sleep. She then tells her husband who gets cranky and tries to blow it off as "just a dream". She then tells her boss who dismisses it outright. And then she gets dismissed by the detective guy too. Never mind that her dreams are right on the money EVERY F#@%ING TIME!! Seriously, WTF?!? You've seen first-hand that the bitch is a serious psychic... like what... A HUNDRED TIMES NOW?? At what point are you going to stop dismissing her or questioning her and just ACCEPT THAT THE STUFF SHE SAYS IS FOR REAL?!? How stupid are you morons?


STUPID. STUPID. STUPID!! If it weren't for the constant disbelief by people WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER, the series would be great. Great characters, terrific stories, decent acting... get rid of the blatant stupidity, and it's actually worth watching.

The fact that I continue to watch this junk is seriously bugging the crap out of me.

Argh. I guarantee you that I'll have at least another twenty things I can add to the list by lunchtime.



Posted on Monday, May 15th, 2006

Dave!She turned to the man standing just there and opened her mouth as if to speak. Somehow sensing that words would never adequately express the love in her heart, she gently laid her head upon his shoulder and began to weep. Holding the woman tightly as night descended upon them, the man comforted her as best he could. They were alone now. The tourist crowds had long since departed into the sunset, ill-prepared for the chill that spread through the air like a ghost. Though the woman's legs were weakened by her desire, his arms held her strong. Savoring this perfect moment, she knew then that she would never fall. Never ever ever fall again. And just as she was beginning to hope that the moment would never end, the man let loose with a mighty fart, the reverberations echoing cleanly in the crisp night. He instinctively looked around for a dog to blame but, alas, there was none to be found. The spell broken, they drift apart now, only their fingertips touching as they walk away into darkness.


Yeah, sometimes I have no idea either.

The entirety of my Sunday evening was spent trying to assemble a T-shirt order for everybody who won or purchased them. After six hours getting everything straightened out, it somehow all came together in a massive pile of PayPal receipts and emails...


My task was made considerably more difficult in that nearly one-third of the orders never resulted in a PayPal email notification, so I had to go back through all the orders again to make sure my count was correct.

The GOOD news is that I am finally finished now, and my shirt order has been sent in. I am hopeful that the distributor has everything in stock so I can ship everything out by the end of the month (I am getting tired of all those CDs, books, and DVDs cluttering up my dinner table). I promise to send out an email once I have a date to share.

There has got to be a better way to do this next time. Order counts were quadrupled from last year, and I was taken completely by surprise at the amount of work it was going to be. Heaven only knows how many trips to the post office I'm going to have to make once the shirts arrive.

And I do it all for you, dear reader. All for you.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Friday, May 26th, 2006

Dave!All the web is abuzz with the news that O'Reilly has decided to trademark "Web 2.0" for their exclusive use for conferences and such. This has pissed off some people. Well, actually it's pissed off just about everybody. To be honest, I can't really blame them. This is a generic term that has no business what-so-ever being trademarked and, if it is approved, just goes to show how terribly f#@%ed up our trademark system is.

Don't tell anybody, but I am secretly hoping that O'Reilly gets the registration.

And why is that?

Let me tell you why...

I f#@%ing hate the asinine term "Web 2.0"... HATE IT!! I refuse to use it. And the quickest way to kill off this stupid shit is to piss everybody off so badly that they won't want to use it either. Having the trademark approved is the best thing that could possibly happen.

Every time I hear somebody mention "Web 2.0" I want to punch them in the face. It's one of those things that only has meaning if somebody is trying to sell you something... in reality, it has zero relevance to the ever-evolving web. It's like trying to draw a line in the sand to mark the tide. It doesn't work. The waves come in. The waves go out. Your line is slowly eaten away as the tide does whatever it's going to do.

Much like the internet.

When I started with the World Wide Web it was text only. About as extravagant as you could get to dress up your website was to add the "blink" tag. THAT was "Web 1.0". So you could say that "Web 2.0" was adding TABLES to the web. Or was Web 2.0 adding IMAGES to the web? Flash? Javascript? CSS? By my count, we're up to like "Web 27.2" now. Applying numbers is just plain stupid.

So let O'Reilly have it to sell their books and conferences. That's about all it's good for anyway.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Sunday, June 4th, 2006

Dave!How is it that you can spend an entire evening with complete strangers, yet be chatting away as if you were old friends immediately after sitting to the table? A meet-up with your fellow bloggers, that's how!

Truth to tell, there's really no way of knowing how something like this is going to go down. Blogs can only tell you so much about a person, and there's no way of knowing what they are like in "real-life" until you meet face-to-face. And then you run the risk that the bloggers you meet will be totally psychotic, and everybody will end up fighting and screaming. Fortunately, I was the only psychotic person there, and nobody seemed to notice.

As it ends up, everybody had a really good time. At least I know I did. A nicer bunch of people you'll never meet, and now I have some new blogging friends to read (not to mention an awesome new pizza to look for: MASHED POTATO PIZZA!). All in all, it was a great night, and has me wishing I could meet up with my readers and fellow-bloggers more often.

Super-Best-Friend Bloggers Roll Call...

  1. Ariana from Ariana's Space.
  2. Gary from Gary Said.
  3. Jen from Run Jen Run.
  4. Kelly from Mocha Momma.
  5. Kevin from Kapgar.
  6. RW from Chasing Vincenzo.
  7. Steve from Contemplaydoh.
  8. Susan from Soccer Orb.

The evening started out with really good pizza at Piece...

Blogger Meet Chicago

And ended with mango mojitos at a tequila bar called Salud...

Blogger Meet Chicago

Though I think Bob is contemplating the "world's worst wine" there, and I have no idea what lethal red concoction Jen is drinking. Out of all of us, Gary is the only one who actually had one of Salud's famous margaritas. Probably because "Mango Mojito" just sounds too tempting (and is fun to say).

Thanks to everybody who attended for a terrific night out!



Posted on Tuesday, June 13th, 2006

Dave!Because I've been busy with work and processing T-shirt orders, I'm running behind in my email replies and haven't had much time to respond to my comments (though, rest assured, I treasure each and every one I get, and DO read all of them when I approve them). But the other day I got an email which kind of bothered me, and I thought I'd put it out there before I lose any sleep over it.

Basically, this guy told me that my blog isn't very funny, and if I want to write a humor blog that I should try writing more amusing entries.

This really puzzled me because at no point have I ever claimed that Blogography is a "humor blog". I write what I write. Sometimes funny things happen to me, so people might think of this site as being humorous from time to time... but I don't sit down and think "I'm going to be funny" when I write.

So I wrote back to the guy and asked him what the deal was. Turns out I am up for some kind of "humorous blog" award, and so he showed up here on a day when I was ranting about Windows Vista and couldn't find the funny he was looking for.

I've been up for awards before (and have even won some) I just never talk about it here, because I don't blog to enter contests or win awards. This doesn't make me ungrateful... I am really honored that anybody finds Blogography entertaining enough for something like that... it's just not something I want to spend my time thinking about.

But, since people are going to come here expecting something funny now, I thought I had better not disappoint them. Unfortunately, nothing humorous has happened to me lately.

Except this dream I keep having which is kind of funny...

You know that dream when you are walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City eating a banana and suddenly you realize that you're totally naked and you've grown to giant size? And then you notice that the entire city is populated by monkeys who are all screaming and running away from you? And for some reason the sky has turned all green with pink clouds and you are walking on water, but it's not really water because it's solid? Yeah, that's the one...

Dave's Dream

Anyway, when I have that dream, it doesn't end the normal way where the monkeys start dancing around singing Madonna's "Holiday"... oh no... for me it's totally different.

For me, the monkeys all of a sudden decide to attack with purple lightsabers like the one Samuel L. Jackson uses in those awful Star Wars prequel movies. But just as they are about to slice you up and steal your banana, A giant Elizabeth Hurley head appears in a beautiful white light! And then little sparkles shoot out from her glorious aura and magically give you laser vision (which is kind of like Superman's heat vision). So now you can zap the filthy little monkeys before they eat your banana...

Dave's Dream

Then, just as the last monkey disappears, you suddenly find yourself floating up into outer-space! But then the planets and stars turn into giant gum-balls that bounce around you. And since you really like gum, you try to reach out and take a bite, but you can never seem to touch them... they're always just out of reach....

Dave's Dream

And just as you become frustrated at your lack of gum-based chewing satisfaction, you wake up still holding the banana from your dream. But instead of being alone there is a crack-whore laying next to you that looks suspiciously like Ann Coulter. And then, just before you can start screaming because Ann Coulter is in your bed, you look again and it's not Ann Coulter after all... but a horse's head! Just like in The Godfather! But it isn't a severed head from a dead racehorse, it's a LIVE horse...

Dave's Dream

And wait for it... HERE'S THE FUNNY BIT... the horse turns to you and says "can I have a bite of your banana?"

And then you realize that you DIDN'T wake up, but you were STILL DREAMING!!

HA HA HA HAAAAAA! THE HORSE WANTS A BITE OF YOUR BANANA!! Isn't that totally the funniest thing you've ever heard?!? I slay me!!

Whoa! I should try to be funny in my blog more often!



Posted on Sunday, June 18th, 2006

Dave!I was going to wait until everything was ready before I said anything... but once I put a picture of my little buttons up on Friday, I've been getting emails and comments from people wanting them.

Well, soon enough you will be able to get them.

The idea for buttons came up months ago during the T-shirt voting for Blogiversary III. There were people who were passionate about one design or another, and I felt bad that not everybody was going to get their first choice. I then had an idea that no matter which design won, I'd make little pin-back buttons of ALL the designs and include them with the winning shirt design (which ended up being "Zombies Ate My Brain").

Simple, right?

Not so much. I thought the stupid little things would cost me a nickel or something (since I would be ordering hundreds of them in bulk)... turns out they would cost anywhere from fifty cents to a dollar each! And since I certainly couldn't afford that kind of money, I abandoned the idea. But then my friend Meagan came to the rescue. After explaining my problem, she devised a way to make the buttons for about 25 cents each... far closer to my budget.

So I designed the T-shirt buttons.

But then I found I couldn't stop drawing buttons.

After a week of goofing off, I had over 200 designs, and I wanted to make ALL of them into buttons...


So then I came up with the idea to sell little 1-inch buttons on my website.

But, just like the T-shirts, I wanted them to be cheap so people could afford them. This ruled out CafePress and many of the online shops I looked at, because they would end up selling for $1.25... EACH!! (which meant that even with my profit set to zero, they would end up at almost $2.00 once shipping was added!). This may be fine when you get to design your own... but for a pre-made button?!? Rip-off. There was no way I would pay that, and I didn't expect anybody else to have to do it either.

And then there was the problem of filling the orders. The T-shirt fiasco where people had to wait TWO MONTHS for their order is just not acceptable. My busy life can't get in the way of people getting their buttons in a timely manner. So this meant I not only had to find a way of having cheap buttons made... but I also had to find somebody who would ship them as well.

And then I became worried that my designs wouldn't look good when reduced to 1-inch.

So, after a long brainstorming session with Meagan, we came up with a plan. First I sent in a handful of designs to CafePress to see what the buttons would look like. If they looked good, then everything else was in place... We had a place to manufacture them. We had a place to handle the orders. We had a pricing structure that was fair. We even had a cool little button-card worked up to protect the buttons in the mail! Everything was ready to go... IF the print test turned out okay.

Well it did, so now we are getting things ready to go. I am guessing that the store will be online in early July (its hard to tell, because I've got work piled so high it's going to take me a few weeks to get through it).

Once we added up the cost of the buttons, the button card, the fulfillment labor, and all the other expenses, we were pleased to discover that we could price a card of seven buttons for $5.00 (plus whatever the exact shipping charges are) and still make a profit of twenty-two cents per card! Woohoo! So that means even with shipping you should be able to get the buttons for less than a buck each domestically, and only a little over that internationally. Sweet!

Even better, I'm trying to come up with a way to sell bulk-buttons to my fellow bloggers for as cheap as possible. It's a lot of fun having blog-related things to sell or give away, and I think it would be great if everybody had a way to promote their site that isn't super-expensive. Wouldn't it be cool to go to a blogger gathering where everybody could trade buttons? It would be a great way to keep track of the people you've met.

Anyway, to everybody who ordered T-shirts from the Blogiversary III Celebration, you'll be getting a set of all four T-shirt buttons for free (just as I wanted to do in the first place) along with a half-off coupon for your first button-set purchase. Hopefully it will at least partially make up for the long wait you had to endure while the shirts were printed and shipped. Since I am running out of ways to say "sorry" I figure a little gift can't hurt.

So watch this space for further developments, and let me know if you might be interested in getting buttons for promoting your blog (if enough people are interested, we're hoping to get even better pricing).

Alrighty then... back to work.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Monday, June 26th, 2006

Dave!When asked to describe Blogography, the words most people tend to use are "strange" or "weird". A typical quote I run across is much like this one from Nikki: "kind of odd, but very entertaining". Basically, people find Blogography to be crazy-insane, and often-times don't know what to make of it (even though they may visit regularly). So, despite the fact that I said I would never change my blog to make others happy, it seems kind of rude considering how many people leave nice comments and write me nifty emails.

With that in mind, I've decided to make my blog more like other blogs. That way, maybe visitors will be more comfortable when they visit and won't be all weirded out. But where to start? Perhaps I should cruise random blogs and pick five areas of improvement I can work on? Let's give that a try.

It seems like most blogs I visit now-a-days have something called "renters". And it doesn't end there... blogs that have renters are forever begging people to click on them.... "Please click on my renter" they say. "Go visit my renter" they plead. "You should click on my renter" they demand. Alrighty then, I'll get me a renter:


My renter is DOOCE because heaven only knows she needs some of my sweet traffic numbers. And she's probably one of the few bloggers that could afford my outrageous rental fees. So please click on my renter. Click it now. Go ahead, just click that little picture. Why are you still reading this when you should be visiting my renter? Hey! Seriously, CLICK MY RENTER! DO IT! DO IT! CLICK IT NOW, BITCH!! CLIIIIIICK MYYYYYYY RENTERRRR!

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that Dooce isn't really renting anything here. But I like to think that she is. And here's how I fantasize the conversation would go...

DOOCE: (picking up phone) Hello?
DAVE: Hello Heather, this is Dave...
DOOCE: Wait a second... THE Dave? BLOGOGRAPHY DAVE?!?
DAVE: Yep, that's me. I'm going to start renting space on my blog and...
DOOCE: (squeels) OMG! You mean I won't have to entice my child into doing crazy shit so I can attract new readers? I can just pay money to get traffic from Blogography?
DAVE: Sure! And it's bargain-priced at only $10,000 a month!

I must be one of the last people in the entire blogiverse who has yet to put Google Ads on their site. Much to my surprise, whoring yourself out for Google payola is a quick and painless process which took me all of twenty minutes to apply and be approved for...

Now I can beg for readers to click my renters AND my ads! This is actually good news, because if my bandwidth bills keep going through the roof, I may just have to start putting ads on my blog. It's something I've never wanted, but the monthly shuffle between four different hosting servers to ensure the site keeps running is getting a little old.

Speaking of begging, it seems quite a few blogs have tip jars. Though why anybody would want to pay for the crap I write here is completely beyond my ability to comprehend...


What I really love are those sites who beg for cash when they are lucky to write once a week. Or how about people who ask for cash and totally suck? I am a bit surprised at why some sites have tip jars at all, and have to wonder if they honestly think that people will want to give them money for posting pictures of their hamster and writing about some boring conversation they had with their tax attorney. I dunno... maybe people do pay money for that. All I know is that unless it's a blog that's better than other paid entertainment (or contains gratuitous breast nudity), I can't imagine tip jars being worth the effort.

I haven't threatened to quit blogging in quite a while now. I've seriously considered it a few times, yet there was only once that I was confident it was going to happen. But a random run through the blogosphere shows a shocking number of blogs that haven't been updated in months... some haven't been updated in years. So it would seem one of the most popular ways to make my blog more like other blogs is to quit writing in it. And then, after a long hiatus, bloggers always start out their next entry with "I haven't written here in a while——" which I find hysterical, because it sounds as if they think their visitors are incapable of reading the date. Oh well. In many ways I actually envy people who quit blogging... they obviously have much cooler stuff going on in their life than I do, and much better things to occupy their time.

It seems that I am never lacking for some crazy crap to write here and, for better or worse, I try my best not to copy content from other blogs, the news, or whatever. The furthest I've gone has been movie quotes and memes. But if a bunch of song lyrics is what it takes to be more like other blogs, then I'll go ahead and put some in an extended entry.

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  64 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Sunday, July 2nd, 2006

Dave!I was sent an interesting "Thierry Ardisson Interview" meme to think about. Since it's in French, it's taking a while to decipher because my French language skills are quite poor (and long-forgotten). But one thing is immediately apparent... most all of the questions are introspective. They force you to take a real look at yourself as opposed to asking how others look at you (or asking how you look at something else). The second question is this: "Quand vous vous regardez dans la glace le matin, vous vous dites quoi?" - which translates into "When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, what do you say to yourself?"

My answer would have to be "I don't say anything," because I never really look at myself in the mirror. I put my contact lenses in by feel, and brush my teeth while doing other things. I never care how my hair looks, and so it never occurs to me to look. So this morning I decided to give it a try...

Dave Heroin Addict

And all I could think to say to myself is "you look like shit, buddy!"

Having not slept in a month has really taken its toll. I have bags under the bags under my eyes. I am also in bad need of a haircut. I should cancel my upcoming travel plans and check myself into a spa or something. Or perhaps start shooting heroin, so at least then there would be an excuse for looking like a heroin addict.

And speaking of questions... my best friend Karl has answered my five "Barbara Walters interview questions" over at Secondhand Tryptophan. I must say, asking for questions to fill up blog entries is a pretty sweet idea. I would steal it and have people ask me five questions... but, considering some of the emails and comments I get, that is a very scary prospect. Perhaps it would be better to ask "If you were to GET to ask me five, questions, what five questions WOULD you ask?" That way when somebody asks me something particularly frightening, I can just laugh and say "wow, that WOULD be a good question!"

I am such a weenie.

But since I won't talk about my friends, family, or work... I'm guessing those are the questions most people would ask, and so I really can't go there. I did get a question in my email yesterday that I WILL answer, however...

"Hey did you make any money from that Google ad you put in your RENT entry?"
Wow, that's a good question! I never bothered to look! Let's see shall we? ... ... ... HOLY CRAP! I made $9.54!! That's pretty good isn't it? This is 1/10 the current cost of keeping Blogography running each month on 1/30 the entries I write in a month, so it looks like the site could support itself if it had to. Kind of nice to know that I have options if I should need to use them. Still, I would much rather remain ad-free for as long as possible. Media Temple has mentioned that they will be increasing their bandwidth allowance, so maybe that will take care of my current troubles?

Ooooh, look...

Crunch Master 6!

Costco is selling Crunch Master 6-Packs! That's enough to last me almost an entire week! Now all I need is Coke with Lime in 60-Packs, and I'm good to go!



Posted on Saturday, July 8th, 2006

Dave!There wasn't much I had planned today. A few museums. Eating REAL bagels from H&H on the Upper West Side. That kind of thing.

Oh yeah... and visit the new 5th Street Apple Store.

This amazing new structure is about the coolest Apple Store yet (though I still loves me Tokyo, Chicago and L.A.) and is really beautiful with the light shining through it. The store itself is actually underground, but the big cube marks the entrance to the glass staircase and houses the elevator tube...

NYC Apple Store

NYC Apple Store

NYC Apple Store

Once I was finished snapping photos and ready to descend into the packed store below, a guy walked up to me... turns out it was Timothy from Araalinas (and now at Araalinusa)!! He has one more day in the city before heading to Uganda to teach, and apparently wanted to see the Apple Store before leaving the country.

It's strange, because when I first saw him, something familiar flashed in my head but I dismissed it. But when he walked up to me, I recognized him immediately from his blog (it's a small blogosphere after all!).

After we said our goodbyes, I wandered down to the Apple Store and suddenly realized that I should have gotten a photo, because nobody is going to believe this. After getting back to the hotel, I immediately unloaded my camera to see if he was in any of the shots I took. Sure enough...

Timothy at Apple Store NYC

Now, seriously. What are the odds here?

I mean, I run into people every once in a while who recognize me (or, to be more accurate, my shirt), but a fellow blogger I read who is from American Samoa via Florida on a stopover in New York City before he's on his way to Africa? This is some crazy stuff right here.

And there I was with no Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts to offer him.

Blogging is SO worth it.



Posted on Saturday, July 22nd, 2006

Dave!Well that was frustrating.

Movable Type's blogging software just gets more inexplicable with every new release. Their latest, version 3.3, is no different. I specifically waited until it was out of beta before installing it, because I wanted to be sure that they had time to work the bugs out and finish up the documentation. Well, as it turns out, I shouldn't have bothered.

If you are a Movable Type user, or are interested in the software which runs this blog, then I've detailed my upgrade "experience" in an extended entry. Everybody else may want to come back later when I'll be bitching about something else...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  20 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Wednesday, July 26th, 2006

Dave!This is part one of a two-part entry.

Please tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Saturday, July 29th, 2006

Dave!Given my increasing frustration with the Movable Type blogging software, I took a few hours to play around with WordPress this afternoon.

Holy crap. I give up.

Sure WordPress has fabulous documentation (my biggest complaint about Movable Type)... BUT IT'S ALL OUTDATED!! Need information on replacements for depreciated tags, TOUGH SHIT... the docs don't have it. Want to know how to import entries? TOO F#@%ING BAD... the documentation is ANCIENT, and bears absolutely NO relationship to the actual process! This is supposed to be better than Movable Type's docs HOW?!?

I had heard that WordPress was more difficult to make templates for, but that's a flaming understatement. It's not that I mind hard work or a steep learning curve, but I'd like the structure to at least make some sense. WordPress had me completely baffled at almost every turn. Want to use images for navigating between pages? Okay! Want to use images for navigating between entries? You can't! Want to customize a drop-down menu for date-based archives? No problem! Want to customize a drop-down menu for category-based archives? Sorry!

There is -zero- consistency in how you use the Word Press faux-tags (which are not really tags at all, but PHP code snippets). Even worse, you have to use endless streams of variables to configure even the simplest of tasks. I mean, just look at this crazy shit...

get_links('-1', ' ', ' ', ' ', FALSE, 'name', FALSE, FALSE, '-1', FALSE, TRUE);

I went absolutely insane trying to remember what the parameters are and in what order they go. And by the time I had to add my fourth "hack" to the "my-hacks.php" file just to get basic functionality, I was certifiable.

After a while, I was beginning to feel that WordPress had a lot of power behind it (and some cool features to die for), but I just don't have time to try and work my way through all the idiosyncrasies just now. If you want to see how things were looking when I gave up, I had my test site at a temporary domain here. It looks pretty much like my existing blog (which is what I wanted) but the underlying code is quite different.

So, for the time being at least, I'm sticking with the devil I know (that would be Movable Type). Sure it has some major problems, but at least the work is already done. Maybe if I get some free time and have some ambition left I'll take a look at "B2Evolution" or "Expression Engine" or one of those other blogging packages.

Surely they can't all suck ass... can they?

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

Dave!Having a blog can sometimes be insanely strange in ways you would never suspect. Well, I never suspect it because I can't believe that people bother to read Blogography in the first place, but mostly because of the reactions I get from some of the people who do read it. I get the most bizarre, odd, scary, freaky, and otherwise disturbing emails and comments that you could possibly imagine. For the most part, I just don't care, because the nice comments and emails more than make up for the few nut-jobs who try their best to spoil things. But every once in a while something comes along that baffles me completely.

Take last week, for instance.

As I mentioned before, this past March one of my totally sweet blogger-friends, Kachina, wrote a very nice entry singing my praises and talking about how much she enjoys Blogography. It was titled "Things I Think Are Great: Number One" and, apparently, is part one in a one-part series. It's understandable that she never wrote a "Number Two" because she started with ME... arguably one of the greatest things ever... and had nowhere to go but downhill.

Dave's Coke with Lime

Anyway, after reading such wonderful things about myself, I was compelled to leave a comment...

I wish I possessed even a tiny amount of humility so that I could at least pretend to be humbled by such kind praise, but my ego simply doesn't allow for it.
As it turns out, I AM totally great.
If I weren't me, I'd be wishing I was me. But since I am me, I just have to be satisfied with wishing I was more me than I am right now. If I were three times more me than I am, I think I'd be pretty much perfect.

Now, when I write smart-assed crap like that, I assume that people understand I am being sarcastic.

Apparently, this is not the case.

Because while I was goofing off working in Seattle last week, I received an email telling me that they had been referred to my blog by Kachina's entry and felt they had to set the record straight. Among the highlights were...

  • I am not particularly good-looking.
  • I am not particularly funny.
  • I am not particularly nice.I am not a very good vegetarian if my diet includes Coke with Lime.
  • In short, there are many other people I should be wishing to be other than me.

Uh huh.

It's almost as good as the time I wrote about constructing a 50-story tall monument to myself made out of Italian marble with a roller coaster, movie theater, revolving restaurant, and sacrificial altar inside. I immediately received a comment telling me that my recent travel problems were a direct result of my wanting people to idolize me, and that I was "stealing glory from God" and incurring His divine wrath.

Yeah, I deleted that one.

So now I am trying to come up with a way to let people know that I am being a sarcastic ass when they are just too dense to realize it. Because when there is somebody out there who thinks I am actually planning on demolishing Mt. Rainier National Park so I can build a 50-story tall monument to myself, well, obviously something needs to be done.

Because hunting them down and giving them a nice bitch-slapping is way too much work.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  47 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Tuesday, August 15th, 2006

Dave!After yet another three hours driving, I'm back home. For a day.

And since I have limited time to get my act together, I am trying very hard to get caught up with work, re-pack my suitcase, read blogs, and sort through the 137 emails jamming my in-box. One of these emails was from somebody saying "mind your own business," which I thought was odd. I mean, usually when I get emails like this, people will cram in all kinds of profanity and at least tell me what it is I said that they didn't like. This one left me clueless.

So I did a little digging, matched the IP address to my server logs, then tracked the referring link.

It seems some journalist guy linked to Blogography in an article he wrote about the awesome new logo for the Milwaukee Admirals hockey team. For reasons unknown, he thinks my name is "Jersey" even though my name and photo are at the top of my sidebar on every page. Turns out both myself and Brandon (from Sports Logo Pundit) are being linked so he can show how there are some people who like the logo despite a vocal group of Milwaukeans who hate it...

Milwaukee Admirals Away Jersey

Oddly enough, the journalist guy DIDN'T link to the entry I wrote about how much I love the logo... which means many people who come here from his article just turn around and leave because they aren't finding anything about the Admirals' new look. The internets are confusing that way.

But this one guy managed to track down the entry, decide that I'm full of crap, then goes to the trouble of telling me to "mind my own business" but doesn't tell me why.

And now I have no idea why I just wasted my valuable time to figure that out.

But I was happy to learn that Milwaukee Admirals merchandise sales have increased 600% (and the season doesn't even start until October). Sweet! I can't wait for my jersey to get here, and will probably buy even more logo crap when I'm back in Milwaukee later this year.


Betty Roasts Shat

Looks like The Shat truly will be hitting the fan on Sunday. Hopefully I'll be home again by then.



Posted on Friday, August 18th, 2006

Dave!I be internet-free! Blogging from a mobile phone is harder than I thought. 2 bad I suk at txt msg cuz therz no way Im bloggng lik ths!

UPDATE: Had I been able to post my progress map, I would have shown me making it to Bothell...


Heh heh heh... Bothell is just an "R" away from being "Brothell"...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006

Dave!Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Jenny just released the dates for TequilaCon 2007... looks like we'll be meeting in lovely Portland, Oregon the weekend of March 10th! I'd say that I'm so happy I could crap my pants, but I have no desire to go through all that again.

TequilaCon promises to be one of the most memorable events of next year, and the reason I know this is because I will be there (probably wearing a Zombies T and my special edition Batman Chucks). So, if you are in the area (or even if you aren't) mark your calendar, then head on over to Jenny's blog for the details...

I can only hope that I escape from the event with my underpants this time.



Posted on Thursday, August 24th, 2006

Dave!Today is Blog Appreciation Day and, trust me, if I had the time to load up the hundreds of blogs I read so I could take their photo, I would absolutely do that. But, on top of all the crazy stuff that happened today, my new Mac Pro showed up, and so a huge chunk of my day was spent setting it up, transferring files, and screaming (if you're really interested, I've put the whole ordeal in an extended entry).

But, despite the fact that I couldn't participate, Kevin and Karl were nice enough to photograph my blog anyway...

Blog Appreciated

Unfortunately, it's also "Planet Depreciation Day," and some dumbass astronomy guys decided that Pluto was no longer a planet. This is totally lame, and I have news for you... I don't really give a crap what they say, to ME Pluto is STILL A MUTHERF#@%ING PLANET!! Hey, it sure looks like a planet, and even has a freakin' moon...


Okay then. If the joys and frustration of Macintosh computer ownership fascinate you, then feel free to continue reading about my day in an extended entry, filled with bitching and geeky goodness...

Mac Pro

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...



Posted on Wednesday, August 30th, 2006

Dave!I've done something I've never done before... I've joined a Fantasy Football League.

I'm not into pro sports at all, so this has high disaster potential written all over it. But the league was started by Brandon over at Down With Pants, so it promises to be a good time even if I end up getting my ass kicked.

If nothing else, I have a cool team name...

Blogography Hellmonkeys

Fantasy Daveball

So now I'm suited-up and ready to play. Well, I would be if I could get my pre-draft order set. Apparently Yahoo! Sports has a problem with Apple's Safari web browser. I can't scroll in the pick lists. Hopefully FireFox will work out, because I'd rather take leftovers than have to suffer through using Windows Internet Explorer.

So wish me luck. I'd be very happy to win the $10,000 Grand Prize that Brandon is offering up!

Okay, yeah, I just made that up. But if by some miracle I manage to win this, I would totally deserve $10,000.


P.S. Can somebody tell me who Vincent is blowing on Project Runway that he hasn't been eliminated yet? Two weeks ago his laughably bad craft project somehow knocked the hottest girl off the show. Then last week he actually managed to WIN with that piece-of-crap disco-collar disaster. Now this week he stays in the game with a boring pantsuit? Angela's crap may look stupid, but at least she actually puts some effort into being unique. Something tells me it's going to be Laura, Uli, and Michael to the Final Three.

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Posted on Thursday, August 31st, 2006

Dave!Lately it seems that I am entirely out of the loop on just about everything. I don't know if it's because I'm just so incredibly busy, or I've just become indifferent to the world around me. Probably a little of both.

Never was this more vividly clear than when I got an email telling me that the fourth season of Scrubs is due to be released on October 10th... and I didn't even know that season three had been released. This may seem like a petty thing to be upset about, except I have been waiting for the third season to drop for YEARS now. All because it has one of the best episodes of comedy/drama ever seen on television. The episode is called "My Screw-Up" and features a return of guest-star Brendan Fraser as Dr. Cox's best friend and ex-brother-in-law...

Fraser on Scrubs

Don't let the fact that Tara Reid also guest stars, fool you. That this show did not win an Emmy for best writing is what finally confirmed that the Emmy Awards are a complete sham, and I've never trusted them since. Soooooo... I know this is late, but if you have not seen My Screw-Up, you owe it to yourself to hunt it down and do so. Buy Scrubs the Complete Third Season set (it's all good), or rent Disc 2 from Netflix or Blockbuster or whatever... just see it.

In other news... let this serve as fair warning that I will be guest-posting over at Hilly's blog this weekend. Do I know what I am going to write about yet? No. I don't write my entries ahead of time, so what happens is your guess as well as mine. All I do know is that the thought of Lil' Dave meeting up with Lil' Snackie is a very, very dangerous idea that is begging to be explored...

Dave and Snackie

Heaven help us. Heaven help us all.



Posted on Sunday, September 3rd, 2006

Dave!This entry was originally posted when I was guest-blogging over at Hilly's blog.

Hello Hilly fans! My name is Dave and I'll be guest-posting today while Hilly is tearing Vegas a new one. You may know me from such videos as "Beaver Hunt 2: Stud Factor" and "Power Tool Loving Sluts" or such blogs as "Everybody Loves Dave" and "Blogography".

When Hilly gave me her password last week, I safely tucked it away until Sunday when I promised to post an entry. But today after work I logged-in only to find out that my blog mascot had already been here goofing around with Hilly's blog mascot over the weekend. There was a stack of Polaroids of Lil' Dave and Lil' Snackiepoo waiting... only a few of which I am able to post without TypePad suspending this blog...

Lil' Snackie Polaroids

If this is the type of behavior that Hilly's mascot is into... what in the hell must she be up to in Vegas?

I, for one, am relieved that she is not posting from Sin City. There are some things we are better off not knowing.

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Posted on Thursday, September 7th, 2006

Dave!Five months ago I was going to quit blogging. Between the horrors of finding a hosting company that wouldn't screw me and the never-ending onslaught of hate mail and spam I was receiving each day... I had just had enough. Blogging wasn't fun anymore and I wanted out.

But then a little boy stopped to tie his show in front of my car one day and everything changed.

This morning I was driving on that exact same road and came upon a cat that was laying in the middle of my lane. A black cat. I slowed down thinking he would move out of the way as I approached, but he didn't. He looked up at me until I came to a stop, then started licking himself. He wasn't going anywhere.

"Huh." I thought. "Perhaps this is a sign to have a break from blogging. Maybe I should be taking the time to stop and lick myself?" (errr... metaphorically speaking). So I swerved around the cat and continued onward, all the while thinking that maybe a nice vacation from Blogography was a good idea. I'd take the rest of the year off and return to my daily writing on January 1st.

But then I read on Karl's blog that he has declared a "Quitting Moratorium" and my blogging vacation was ruined.

Thanks a lot Karl.

Later in the day I had work in Spokane. But when I got there, things weren't working out as planned, so I had to turn around and come back home. This basically meant that I just drove a 6-hour roundtrip for a slice of pizza.

Most people would be upset by this. But it was a slice of the Best Pizza In The Known Universe, so I wasn't upset at all. I once drove an eleven-hour roundtrip to visit a Hard Rock Cafe, so crazy stuff like this is nothing new to me.

Except now I'm tired and need to go to bed.

No DaveToon for you.

Categories: Blogging 2006, Food 2006Click To It: Permalink  35 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Sunday, September 17th, 2006

Dave!Yes, my header graphics have been redesigned. I was quite happy with the old "look" but, for reasons I am not going to elaborate on just yet, it was time for a change. The random DaveToon in the corner is meant to give visitors something different to look at on each visit. But now I'm finding that there a lot of people who just continuously refresh the page until they see them all, so I figured I might as well save them the trouble and post all twenty of them here. Spoilsport.

Speaking of DaveToons, I got a terrific email from a guy who got in trouble at school for printing out the one where Bad Monkey is smoking cigarettes and pasting it on his notebook...

Smoking Bad Monkey

How cool is that? I'm corrupting American's youth!

Well, if it's any consolation, Bad Monkey is chewing ten sticks of Nicorette gum and burning through a dozen nicotine patches every day in an effort to quit...


See kids, it's best to just not start in the first place.



Posted on Tuesday, September 19th, 2006


Avast ye mateys... 'tis "Talk Like a Pirate Day" today! It be a proud day indeed for we pirate-lubber folk. Me an me monkey be drinkin' grog and pillaging the worthless bilge rats of this shanty town. 'Tis only a wee matter of time afore we be claiming our treasure and sailing the high seas...

Pirate Day

Whilst we be out seeking me fortunes, I be givin' ya a new port of call. One of me favorite bloggers, Peggy Archer be havin' a beauty of a new site for ye all to plunder! It be called "Abandoned Couches" and she be usin' a fine treasure of a couch from Blogography's home port here! So shiver ye timbers and be payin' a visit smartly to this fine pearl of a site before me be dropin' anchor in yer scurvy lagoon, ye sea dogs! AAAAARRRRR!

Aye! Me barnacles need a scrapin' so I be off!



Posted on Friday, September 22nd, 2006

Dave!In what can only be described as "a blissful turn of events," the amount of hate-mail I've been receiving from this blog has dropped to near-zero. With the exception of the occasional nut-bag who leaves a nasty comment, I haven't seen a good piece of deranged email in months!

Until this morning, that is.

It all seems to begin with the new Aaron Sorkin television show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. In the premiere episode, Matthew Perry's character rants about Pat Robertson being a bigot and goes on to compare his "700 Club" show to a Klan rally. This, needless to say, upset a lot of people. And one of these "people" decided to go on a Google crusade, and consequently stumbled across Blogography because of a freaky combination of words found in my archives.

Now, as anybody who has read this blog for a while knows, I despise Pat Robertson. I loathe how he spreads hatred, mis-information, and violence across the globe all in the name of his freaky interpretation of Biblical verse and his personal brand of Christianity. In fact, I think that if Pat Robertson were to be judged by his actions, he is one of the least "Christian" people I have ever seen. He's not a religious leader at all... he's a douchebag with an audience that has no problem calling for the assassination of foreign leaders, condemning victims of natural disasters, and persecuting anybody who thinks differently than he does. But this is all okay, because God tells him he's right...

Are you insane?

Apparently people like me who disagree with this dumbass are (naturally) going to hell, and this guy had a burning desire to write and tell me that. It was a fascinating discourse which says I could be forgiven for THIS... but not THIS or THIS. The good news, however, is that there's still hope for me if I can turn to The Bible and find my way to Pat Robertson's particular flavor of crazy.

Which is kind of funny, because I've read through The Bible a number of times and distinctly remember it saying how you should run away from hateful idiots like Pat Robertson.

But whatever. I actually appreciate people who send email like this because it almost makes me look sane by comparison.


Anyway... I took the trouble to draw a DaveToon for yesterday's entry, but forgot to post it...

Dave Madonna

I don't think that the "Material Boy" look is very flattering for Lil' Dave. Maybe because he hasn't got the breasts to fill out that bra?

I probably should have bypassed Madonna's "Lucky Star / Like a Virgin" eras and went for the "Erotica / Vogue" years.



Posted on Saturday, September 30th, 2006

Dave!Blogography is proud to participate in Pink for October all next month.

Now you know the reason for the header change I made a while back. The old headers weren't able to be "pinkified" enough to show much support, so it was time for a change. Breast cancer has touched some very special people in my life, and helping to raise awareness is important to me. But going pink is just the beginning. There's more to come in Breast Cancer Awareness Month from Blogography, so watch this space to see how you can help out (and possibly get some cool stuff to boot!)...

Pink for October
Dave & Bad Monkey love healthy boobies! Schedule your mammogram today!

For more information on National Breast Cancer Month, visit the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  25 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

Dave!Ooh look! I'm all better now. Well, mostly. I still have vision troubles, but at least the headaches and cold/flu symptoms have faded.

Until I open my email and find a lovely note from somebody with "I'M GOING TO SUE YOUR ASS" as the subject line. This is absolutely my favorite way to start the day, because being threatened with legal action is always such a great motivator first thing in the morning. "Hmmm..." I think to myself, "I wonder what I did this time?" Since I don't recognize the name, I'm guessing something in my blog has upset somebody. Having a blog is such a great way to meet new and interesting people!


1) Have somebody who doesn't like you sneak a photo of you wearing a Bluetooth mobile phone headset.

2) Have this blood-enemy search the internet for a cartoon which makes fun of people who wear Bluetooth mobile phone headsets in public.

3) Have this same person cut out part of the cartoon so they can insert a picture of YOU...

Bluetooth Headset Dick

4) Then have this person email everybody in the office with a cartoon which likens you to a large penis.

5) Find out about the cartoon, see that it was copyrighted by, then decide to fire off a nasty email threatening a lawsuit because this person you've never even met decided to humiliate you.

6) Get an email back from telling you that they have no idea what you are talking about, have no idea who you are, and have never even been to your city to take your picture.

7) After another furious exchange of emails, discover that people who post cartoons on the internet have no control over what other people do with them, then realize you'll have to find somebody else to sue.

8) Cry silently to yourself because you have nothing better to do than threaten complete strangers with baseless lawsuits.

Somebody remind me why I have a blog again?

Oh yeah! It's so I have a place to bitch about things that bother me!

Now that I'm feeling better, I finally managed to watch the second episode of Heroes, and boy does that show suck ass. It puzzles me greatly how so many critics are going ape-shit in love over this show when it pretty much blows. Just like "Odo," the shape-changing alien on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine that rarely changed shape... here we have super-powered people who rarely use their super powers. I guess special effects are still not cheap enough to do shows like this properly. I can only hope that they eventually get a budget and can have people with flying powers ACTUALLY BE FLYING AROUND AND SHIT. So far we've gotten one lame, SUPER-LAME "flying" shot in the first episode which looked so bad I could have filmed it in my back yard... then a "flying" shot in the second episode which wasn't even flying... it was more like floating. LOOK DUDE, I CAN FLOAT!! Bitch, please. Until you are willing to put the money into decent special effects to do the super-hero show right, don't waste my frickin' time...

Lame NBC Heroes

I also love how everybody else in the show conveniently has "powers" which don't require special effects. Notice that there isn't a "hero" who can shoot lightning bolts out of their ass... or a "hero" who can walk through walls... or a "hero" who can do ANYTHING even remotely interesting, because that would require actual visual effects, and we can't have that!

What I want to know is how come an episode of Bewitched which was made FORTY F#@%ING YEARS AGO... BEFORE THEY EVEN HAD COMPUTERS has more special effects shots than an episode of this lame-ass show. Screw this stupid crap. I'm done with "Heroes"... so somebody please let me know if they ever get the balls to actually SHOW super-powers instead of just talk about them for an hour.

Thank heavens for Veronica Mars, a detective who ACTUALLY DOES DETECTIVE STUFF in every episode!! Imagine that!



Posted on Thursday, October 12th, 2006

Dave!I received an email this morning criticizing both me and my blog and so I did what I usually do when this happens... lock myself in my bathroom and cry for five hours.

Well, not really, because when you put yourself out on the internet like this, you learn very quickly to ignore the dumbasses and morons that feel the need rain shit on your day. I gave up caring what people think about me decades ago, so criticism from faceless idiots on the internet mean about as much to me as navel lint.

But now I've found an even better way of dealing with such nonsense than simply ignoring it:

Oddly enough, it was watching an episode of Little House on the Prairie that brought about this revelation*.

When I heard Pa Ingalls say something like "that's a fine-looking boy you've got there," I assumed it to be an innocent compliment because of time-sensitive context. Back in pioneer days you could say stuff like this and not be pegged as a freaky child molester. Today if a guy were to say this about a little boy, people would call for the police.

And it works the other way too. A long time ago you could see a painting, say it was "awful," and the artist would thank you for the compliment since the time-sensitive context of "awful" meant "full of awe" back then. Today if you say a painting is "awful" the artist will lock himself in the bathroom and cry for five hours because it meant you didn't like it.

Just five years ago if somebody wrote to me and said "DUDE, YOU ARE TOTALLY SICK!! YOUR BLOG IS WICKED SICK TOO!" it would mean that they thought both me and my blog were perverted and grotesque. But if somebody wrote that to me NOW, the time-sensitive context has shifted and it means that they think both me and my blog are insanely cool.

And since this trend shows no sign of stopping, I figure why wait? I am going to start applying FUTURE-SENSITIVE CONTEXT to any criticism or negativity that comes my way from now on.

Somebody calls me an "asshole"? I choose to believe that in the future "asshole" will come to mean "kind and generous."

Somebody says my blog is "f#@%ing stupid"? I choose to believe that in the future "f#@%ing stupid" will come to mean "amazing and brilliant."

With this in mind, here is the email I received with future-sensitive context applied...

Hey you kind and generous person!
I just ran across your amazing and brilliant blog and think you are a down-to-earth and observant individual who should be showered with praise and worship! If you think you are so humble and respectful then why don't you go buy a treat for yourself! You deserve what you get!!!!
People like you are creating a better world for all of us and make me feel insanely cool!!
I hope you have a long and happy life!!

See?? By using the magic of future-sensitive context, even horrible hate-mail can be made into a wonderful and life-afirming statement of love and support! Sometimes it's not how the world looks at you, but how you look at the world.


* Don't ask me why I was watching Little House on the Prairie. In my defense, I was waiting for my clothes to get out of the dryer and it happened to be on the television when I turned it on.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  33 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Saturday, October 14th, 2006

Dave!Halfway through each month, I have an alarm set so I will remember to check my server stats and see if I need to be offloading some bandwidth. This ensures that I won't overrun my limit and have to pay pay pay. Fortunately, there are some very kind and generous people out there who donate bandwidth when I need it... if I remember to use it.

Anyway, for the first time in years, unique visitor counts for Blogography went down. It was bound to happen eventually... I was expecting it to happen... but I still admit to being surprised. Apparently nobody loves me any more.

Well, 1.2% of the people who used to love me don't love me any more.

I should have never put up those pictures of Lindsay Lohan.

It's a good thing I am not a stats whore or I might have to do something drastic, like post those amateur porn videos I made when I was young and needed the money. Nothing makes visitor counts skyrocket like amateur porn! Well, except professional porn. I suppose if I drop another 5% I'll have to look into turning pro. Nothing quite like whoring myself out to keep my -ahem- stats up.

Speaking of surprises... I rented a Samuel L. Jackson film I somehow overlooked called The 51st State which had the amazing Emily Mortimer as a bitchin' lady-assassin who likes to drive motorcycles and kill people. In other words, she's the perfect woman...

Emily Mortimer

Emily Mortimer

The movie was okay, but not nearly as good as the other Emily Mortimer film I recently saw... a sappy drama called Dear Frankie. This flick also stars Gerard Butler who, in turn, is starring in the most eagerly anticipated film of next year... 300, which is based on Frank Miller's awesome graphic novel of the same name. It looks amazing. An even better adaptation than Sin City, if you can believe it...


The totally bitchin' sneak preview trailer (along with a nifty making-of featurette) is available at Apple in delicious hi-def QuickTime. For those of you who (like me) fell totally in love with Miller's graphic novel, there's a very cool comparison between the film and book here. Even if you aren't interested in 300, it's still worth checking out.

And now I'm off to "research" my pending porn star career...



Posted on Wednesday, November 1st, 2006

Dave!It's 10:00pm now. I've been working since I got up at 4:30am. What is that... like 17 hours? 18 hours? Too many hours, that's for sure. I should be in bed, but the idea of missing my first blog entry in over two years compels me to forge onward. There's something kind of twisted about that, but I'm too tired to figure out what that might be.

The drive over to Seattle was entertaining because the road had a nice frost on it. Cars were sliding wide around corners, swiping guard-rails, and generally being stupid. Driving in these conditions is not rocket science, but you'd be surprised just how long it takes for people to catch on that you can't drive like a maniac and not pay the price.

Yet the highlight of my drive happened just three minutes after I pulled out of my driveway. Some moron ran the red light leading to the highway... right in front of a police officer. That alone was pretty ballsy.

But not enough for this guy.

He had a momentary delusional state where he thought outrunning a cop on an open highway was a good idea. He punched the gas for a few seconds then must have realized "uhhhhh... I'm in a beat-up old van so he can probably catch me in his shiny new police car" and pulled over.

Which is kind of a pity, because I would have loved to see that one play out. I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person, but a high-speed chase on frosty roads sounds like entertainment to me!

And, speaking of entertainment, how totally sweet was Veronica Mars last night? Her determination to get back Lilly's necklace resulted in an ending that summarized everything I love about that show. The completely detached way that Veronica drove off after everything went down just proves that Kristen Bell kicks ass in a way most actors can only dream of. You felt that one.

Now I think I'll let VH-1's "Hundred Greatest Songs of the 80's" play me to sleep...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  22 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Friday, November 17th, 2006

Dave!We interrupt the regularly scheduled programing here on Blogography to bring you an important message: You get no points for trying.

You either do something to meet the exacting expectations and desires of every single person on earth, or you get sued. Apparently, it's the American Way, because we're an all-or-nothing kind of country.

Today Boing Boing has regurgitated a story that involves a lawsuit filed against my local library here in Washington State. For those who don't read it, Boing Boing is one of the most popular websites in existence. It's a site I read regularly, and enjoy quite a lot. But this "story" simply goes to show that any purported "news site"... no matter how popular... doesn't always know what the fuck they are talking about.

The deal is basically this...

All 28 branches of public libraries in the North Central Regional Library System provide public internet access so that those who can't afford a computer or don't have access to the internet have the same opportunities as those who do. But things are never as easy as just trying to do something helpful, there are always people who are intent on spoiling things for everybody. In this case, that means people accessing porn and other material in full-view of anybody (including children) walking by. Even worse, kids being the crafty buggers they are, will gladly surf for porn on their own without having to look over anybody's shoulder.

Of course, exposing minors to porn is illegal.

By trying to do something good, the library gets in trouble. And you get no points for trying.

So the library attempts to address the problem by contracting with a "filtering service" which attempts to block porn and other age-inapropriate sites so that the library can still provide free internet, but not get sued for doing so. The filtering service is not perfect... some sites that probably shouldn't be blocked end up getting blocked... but the library is trying their best to service as many of their patrons as they can with what they have, and you simply cannot make 100% of the people happy 100% of the time.

And have I mentioned that you get no points for trying?

No. Instead you get sued by the ACLU and bashed with snippy inane comments by internet legend Cory Doctorow on Boing Boing.

There's so much wrong with all this... namely that nobody has their facts straight... but I think I will start out with explaining something to both Boing Boing and the ACLU that they are apparently unaware of: THIS IS NOT OUR LIBRARY...

Seattle Public Library

That stunning, multi-story, high-tec structure with space-age capabilities and an entire team of librarians and technical staff belongs to Seattle. No no... the libraries in rural Eastern Washington look like this...


These tiny libraries sometimes have no more than a single room and are staffed by one or two librarians who may have been working there for decades.

Now imagine this... you are a small-town librarian who has given years of faithful service to your community. Your daily tasks involve arranging books, checking out materials, and helping people the best you can to find information they are looking for. It doesn't pay a lot, but it's a job you love and trying to help people is something you feel good about.

Then one day you find out that you have to clear out a corner of your small building so that you can make room for a public internet computer. This allows you to even better serve the community you love, so you do your best to accommodate the new technology and offer internet access to people who may not otherwise have the opportunity to use it. You may not have ever even turned on a computer before, but you try your best to learn how things work so you can do your job.

But you don't get any fucking points for trying... haven't you been paying attention?

Instead you get sued for "refusing to honor requests by adult patrons to temporarily disable the filter for sessions of uncensored reading and research" (among other things).

It's all a crock of shit of course... you didn't "refuse" anything... you just weren't able to comply with a request. But fuck you... the fact that your filtering service keeps me from looking at monster trucks with naked chicks painted on the hood means I'm going to SUE! SUE THE LIBRARY FOR TROUNCING ON MY RIGHTS, DAMMIT!!

Give me a fucking break.

The simple fact is that providing 100% unfiltered browsing in a library so small that you're unable to keep people from observing said browsing is impossible. It just can't happen. Otherwise some kid is eventually going to see something fucked up and some parent is going to sue for a million dollars on the grounds of child endangerment or something like that. So while the library may like to give you unfiltered access, they just can't. It's as simple as that.

The best the library can do is try to come up with a solution that helps as many people as possible without getting sued... either for providing too much access... or not enough.

And, dammit, they DO try.

The North Central Regional Library System knows there is a problem with the filtering service and has spent a year researching alternative while waiting for their filtering contract to run out. And now that the contract IS running out, they have been spending the past two months switching over all 28 branches to a new solution... it's a centrally managed system that will more easily allow a librarian to have a site unlocked for viewing. It's not 100% unfiltered because, I say again, that's simply not an option here, but it's an honest attempt to better address an unsolvable problem.

But did the ACLU bother to call the library and learn this before they filed their lawsuit and wasted tax dollars on total bullshit? No. Did Cory Doctorow bother to call the library for a response? No. Heck, even if Cory Doctorow didn't know that the filtering software was being phased out in favor of trying a different approach... did he at least call the library to see if he might help-out or suggest an alternative to filtering before bashing them with his article? Of course not! That doesn't attract readers and increase ad revenue! Far more fun (and profitable) to attack a small-town library that is just trying to service their patrons the best they can... because THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY IS!! Well, if Doctorow feels like using some of that Boing Boing cash to build us bigger libraries with secluded "adults only" rooms so they can provide unfiltered access, more power to him. But who is going to be responsible for cleaning up that room knowing what crazy shit is bound to go on in there?

How did America get this way? Nobody wants to try lending a hand or helping people to help others... they just want to sue and attack them every chance they get. BECAUSE YOU GET NO POINTS FOR TRYING!

How sad.

The insane thing here is that the libraries are being portrayed as these evil entities that want nothing more than to violate taxpayers by limiting their access to freely available information. It's categorically absurd, of course... especially considering that the mission statement of the NCRL is as follows: "The Mission of the North Central Regional Library is to promote reading and lifelong learning."

You will note that nowhere... nowhere... in that statement does it say that the mission of the library is to keep adults from performing research... or reading Boing Boing... or looking at works of art that contain nudity. Seriously, why would they give a shit? But it makes for a flashy lawsuit and good drama to say otherwise, so that's what we get.

I wonder if the ACLU and Boing Boing would be happier if libraries were to rip out internet access entirely rather than to try and come up with a solution that addresses both the threats of being sued for too much access and being sued for not having enough access? What other option are these libraries going to have? It's a no-win scenario because they're going to get sued no matter what they try and do.

And you get no points for... well, you get the picture...

We're rapidly becoming a country that's going to be afraid to TRY anything... who do I sue for that?

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  36 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006

Dave!Strange. I got all ready for a bullet-point entry because I thought it was Sunday for some reason. I wonder what that's all about? Oh well, it's not like I haven't got a million other things to blog about. In fact, I never understand how bloggers get writer's block because surely everybody has a more exciting life than mine? Today I sat in an office almost all day, and yet I am still having to decide which thing I should write about... The bitch who flipped me off on the way to work? Nearly breaking my arm trying to get Chili Cheese Fritos out of the vending machine? Having Robert iChat me from his toilet to tell me he got a new MacBook with iSight camera? The inexplicable hate mail I got this morning? My new — hey, wait a second, yes... let's go with the hate mail...

I usually don't share viewer hate-mail because, well, it's not like I want to encourage these people... but today's rant was so utterly bizarre that I feel compelled to share. And the reason I say it's bizarre is because it wasn't complaining about the usual stuff like my imaginary abuse of clowns, my support of gay marriage, my assertion that Pat Robertson is insane, or my thinking that I'm God. Oh no. This time it's about chest shaving.

Yes. You read that right. Chest shaving!

Dave Shaved

While reading the email I was all WTF? Because I didn't remember ever having taken a stand either for or against shaving chest hair. Why in the hell would I care what a guy wants to do with his chest? I don't even care what I do with my own. So there I am ready to delete the email as a total nut-job when I decide to Google myself and find out if I had inadvertently insulted chest-shavers along the way.

It turns out that I kind of did.

But not really.

Last year I wrote about walking into an airport bathroom only to see a dude shaving his chest with an electric razor. Needless to say, I was freaked out about it, and decided to write about the horror of it all in my blog.

How could I have forgotten something like that?

I must have been blocking it from my mind.

Anyway, the email rambled on a while, but could ultimately be summarized in that I'm an asshole for calling the chest-shaver guy a "prissy bitch" and I shouldn't be critical of somebody else's grooming choices. Or something like that. But that's where the email hater was wrong. You see, the prissy bitch option was Option B. As I explained in the entry, I did not choose Option B... I selected Option F. I did not call the guy in an airport a prissy bitch at all. So this time the hate mail wasn't even justified, because the writer jumped to a conclusion before reading to the end of my entry.

Who's the asshole now? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Hmmm... maybe I should have written about the Chili Cheese Fritos incident after all...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  18 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Thursday, November 23rd, 2006

Dave!Gee... I could write just about anything today and it wouldn't make a lick of difference. Everybody is eating turkey instead of surfing the internet and reading blogs. I, being a vegetarian, don't eat turkey and so I've got nothing better to do.

Neil has declared today as "Thank Your First Commenter Day" which is kind of nifty. Truth to tell though, I had no idea who my first commenter might be. Turns out that once you get rid of the back-and-forth testing between Bad Robert and myself, my first "real" commenter is Kazza. That's cool because, while commenters come and go, Kazza is still around. The fact that she's still blogging is kind of a bonus...

Kazza Lego
Awwwww... it's Lego Lil' Dave!

Well, one good Legofication deserves another...

Dave Kazza Lego

And now I'm off to finish some work so I can watch tonight's special edition of Grey's Anatomy. I'm hoping somebody dies...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  17 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

Dave!The scream (which sounded something like "WAAAAAAAAGGH!") was yelled at nobody in particular and did nothing to alleviate the burning pain. Then, once I realized I was scrubbing Apricot Facial Cleanser into the open wounds on my face, it sounded something like "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!" Then I have the task of trying to flush out the tiny particles of walnut shell, which usually do such a great job of scraping off dead skin cells, but are now causing me to cry "LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!!" as I splash water on my face at a frantic pace.

It would seem this is not going to be such a good day to be Dave.

This was later confirmed when I found out that my internet router is dead.

I can't stand how much my life revolves around having internet access, and how huge a problem it is when I am disconnected from it. It's like I NEED internet to survive or something. Overcoming drug addiction must be a walk in the park by comparison.

Which is why I am checking email and writing in my blog over a dial-up connection tonight.

It's far, far slower than I ever remember it being...

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  15 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  



Posted on Thursday, December 21st, 2006

Dave!I seem to have survived my bout with food poisoning (or whatever).

Which is probably a good thing, because my most excellent web hosting company Media Temple, is moving Blogography to a new "grid server" here in a few hours. I don't understand much of what's happening, but it all sounds very cool and interesting. In any event, I totally trust Media Temple with my life. Out of the dozens of hosting companies I've dealt with over the years, they are the very best... by far.

I am told that there will be some down-time for a bit while the move occurs. So, if you try to visit Blogography and can't, that's why. And if you are coming here after not being able to access the site, that's why.

Many thanks to Bad Robert for the use his pick-up truck "The Blue Bitch." we couldn't have gotten everything moved without her...

Moving Day

Please forgive the urine stains in the passenger seat. Bad Monkey had a fifth of vodka with a two-liter bottle of 7-Up for dinner and forgot to go to the bathroom before we left. I made sure there was plenty of toilet paper in case we had to stop along the way, but he didn't tell me until after the deed was done. You know monkeys...

UPDATE: Well that was amazing. The move went flawlessly with no data loss and everything ending up in its proper place. I then set about changing all my blog settings and scripts to point to their new address... only to find that Media Temple had already done it. And not just in the obvious places, like my Movable Type blog software, but also in not so obvious places like my Mint stats package. I simply cannot say enough good things about Media Temple for web hosting. Brilliant company. Terrific service.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink  12 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  


Bullet Sunday 11

Posted on Sunday, December 31st, 2006

Dave!How can I be so exhausted yet not be able to sleep?

I went to bed at 9:30 and was relieved that I might actually catch up on some much-needed shuteye. But then I woke up at midnight, and haven't been able to get back to sleep all night. Insomnia sucks ass, but it did give me time to write the final Bullet Sunday of 2006... BLOGOGRAPHY'S BEST OF THE YEAR LIST!

• Best New Television Show... For nine glorious weeks, Project Catwalk featured Elizabeth Hurley being Elizabeth Hurley which makes it one of the greatest shows ever. At least it was, until this tragic event occurred.

• Best Returning Television Show... How does one choose between Veronica Mars and Battlestar Galactica? (if you are a guy, trust me... you want to follow those links!).

• Best Guest Appearance on a Television Show...

Betty White in "Peterotica" from The Family Guy.

• Best Movie... This is a tough call, but I was taken completely by surprise at how much I loved Little Miss Sunshine. A close second is The Prestige, which haunted me for weeks.

• Best Bad Movie Hype... I went to Brokeback Mountain because of all the hype and was so bored that I consider this to be one of the worst films ever. I prefer my remake, Bareback Monkey. "I wish I could quit you, Captain Crunch!"

• Best Video Game... Lego Star Wars 2: The Original Trilogy. I only wish I had time to play it.

• Best Funny... I never claimed that Blogography was a humor blog but, when I set my mind to it, this can be the funniest blog ever.

• Best Poetry... I hate to be tooting my own horn here, but my Seven Odes From My Day-Trip To Chicago kick ass! I should totally write a book of poetry!

• Best Charitable Cause... There is nothing more important right now than immortalizing my greatness. Give generously to the Dave Monument Fund.

• Best Explanation of Why I Am The Way I Am...

Dave Universe
Yes, the world really does revolve around me.

• Best Reason to Have a Blog... Davecago was one of the year's biggest highlights for me.

• Best Shock... Randomly running into fellow blogger Timothy while in New York City just before he's off to Uganda. What are the odds? Considering he previously lived in American Samoa before moving to Africa, he would be voted the Blogger I'm Least Likely To Ever Meet, yet there he was in the middle of one of the biggest cities on earth.

• Best Non-Government Holiday... Yeah, it would be pretty hard to top Day of Slayer! (and getting to meet Mistress Eve and Dave3 a month later was icing on the cake).

• Best Garfield Strip in 25 Years... Well, it's not like Jim Davis was ever going to get around to doing it. You may think I'm joking here, but I'm totally not.

• Best Bad Influence... Bad Monkey really is bad... he's teaching kids to smoke cigarettes and then getting them into trouble at school.

• Best Blog Fan... Turns out that I'm not good-looking, not funny, and not nice, and somebody was kind enough to point it out to me.

• Best Identity Theft... And here I only thought I was joking about people wanting to be me...

Dave Hair
Who could possibly want to be me with hair like this?

• Best Bad Robert Story... Well, of those stories I was actually able to share without getting sued, I guess it would have to be Bad Robert's Blue Balls.

• Best Advice... How to make your blog be like every other blog (though some people hated me for this one).

• Best Way To Hide a Fart... Who knew a pack of gum would make the best odor eliminator ever?

• Best Lie... Bob is a psychopath.

• Best Lesson Learned... One thing at a time.

• Best Blogography Entry... How can I choose when they're all so good? I've narrowed it down to these ten...

  • Pain. I read this one and even I laugh out loud.
  • Wipe. If only all entries could be about wiping my ass.
  • Chasm. So bizarre that I have no idea what it means, but I like it.
  • Uhura. Hah! It's a penis with a bluetooth headset!
  • Worse. Sometimes a cartoon can say more than words ever can.
  • Cake. Bad Monkey with a urinal cake in his mouth was one of my best ideas ever.
  • Drawn. How DaveToons are created.
  • Forty. Best imaginary birthday ever.
  • Bagged. I'm amazed I managed to make an entry out of a plastic shopping bag.
  • Stevenote. Sometimes my wacky imagination surprises even me.

• Best Reader... It's totally you! How could it be anybody but you? Thanks for stopping by, and we'll see you next year.

Best Friends



Posted on Friday, January 5th, 2007

Dave!The first email I opened this morning was somebody saying "You are a f#@%ing asshole and your blog sucks!" Ordinarily, I'd be thrilled to receive such well-written and thoughtful feedback, but this morning I wasn't in the mood. So instead of sending my usual automated reply ("Thank you so much for your lovely letter regarding Blogography, and I look forward to making you even more angry in the future!") I instead wrote back with this...

"Wow! You've figured it all out! I make my blog suck ON PURPOSE because, as you have so astutely surmised, I AM an asshole! Congratulations on your brilliance, and I hope you die real soon now so my secret will be safe!"

Then I got worried that by hoping somebody else is going to die, I might be wishing death upon myself, and suddenly became concerned about my health and well-being. Perhaps a diet of candy, chips, and Coke with Lime is just the excuse that irony is looking for to kill me off? Well screw that. I'm going to start eating healthier snacks!

So there I am at the health-bar aisle of the grocery store looking at the hundreds of healthy alternatives to candy. I am amazed at how expensive it all is. But what's money compared to my health? Nothing! So I scoop up an assortment of yummy-sounding bars, pay my $25 (holy crap!) and am on my way.

Once I get to work I decide to have a health bar for breakfast. GAH! IT'S HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!! Dumbstruck at the foul taste in my mouth, I spit it into a garbage can while making a mental note to never buy that brand again. Then I try another one, AND IT'S EVEN WORSE! ACK!!! I PAID $2.99 for THIS?!? After spitting my fifth health bar in the trash, I'm screaming "OH LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME??" as I open up number six, which is called a "Bumble Bar."

Bumble Bar Almond still tastes outrageously bad but, compared to the first five I tried, it's at least edible. So there I am chomping away on gobs of seeds and sticks, trying my best to be happy at how healthy I'm going to be from all this suffering. At least I was, until I looked at the Nutrition Facts...

Nutrition Facts


Seriously, WTF?!? It's the same calories and fat content as a tasty Hershey Bar with Almonds! About the only difference is 2 grams more fiber, 4 grams less saturated fat, and an additional 18% iron!

Holy shit. Give me back my frackin' candy! I'll just eat a handful of Shredded Wheat for breakfast to make up the difference in fiber, and suck on a nail to get that extra 18% iron.

What really frosts my cake is that I could have bought FORTY candy bars for the money I paid for these ten "health" bars. This blows. The ones I threw out are probably healthier because they tasted worse, but I'd rather die than have to eat that crap for the rest of my life. Better to die young and happy from snacking on junk than old and miserable from eating disgusting health bars.

Maybe I'll just starting taking a vitamin with my first can of Coke with Lime of the day? That's probably the same thing anyway. Yes, thanks to vitamins, I can be healthy and still eat delicious crap! Modern science is great.

Yargh. Karma dictates I find something good to blog about now. Fortunately, I have a book that's totally sweet to talk about in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...



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