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Orange

Posted on Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

Dave!I woke up extra early today so I could skip through my TiVo recordings of Veronica Mars in an attempt to figure out how the "big ending" could have come so seemingly out of nowhere. The answer was easy to see, even in the earliest episodes. This was not some random tacked-on hack of an ending... from all appearances, it was carefully planned. I am so very hopeful that there are commentary tracks on the second season DVD release, because having the writers talk about how all the pieces fit together would be sweet!

Anyway...

This morning I had an appointment. Where and why doesn't matter so much as the fact that I had to use their public bathroom while I was waiting. Apparently, to dampen the smell of poop and urine, they apply some kind of harsh orange solvent to every visible surface each morning.

Ordinarily, I like oranges. They are a beautiful, sunny-looking fruit that brings a smile to my face...

Orangeslicer

See? You're smiling right now, aren't you?

But the orange smell was so overwhelming in this bathroom that my nostrils were burning. I was truly worried about exposing my penis to the toxic air for fear of having it burn my privates. I can honestly say that it was the quickest I have ever peed. I was pushing so hard that I was running a risk of popping a blood vessel or something.

After I made a cursory effort to wash my hands and escape the Chamber of Death, I found somebody so I could ask what in the heck would possess them to create such a hostile environment in which to urinate. I further went on to inquire if they understood that chemical weapons had been outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

The woman laughed and apologized. She then explained that however bad the orange smell was, it had to be better than the smell that was originally there. Apparently somebody had an =ahem= accident. They shit e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Floor. Walls. Sink. ON the toilet. Everywhere. She said it was as if there was an explosion or something. But worse than that, whoever did the damage didn't tell anybody what had happened. This meant the crap stains had become semi-permanent overnight, and could not be removed easily. So they poured a bunch of concentrated orange cleaner over everything to mask the smell until they could go get a steam-cleaner and remove the fecal redecorating. After that, they poured on another bottle of orange cleaner concentrate to eliminate the stench.

"Well, it certainly worked" I said... "I can't smell anything now".

"I wish I had that problem" she replied... "because everything smells like crap to me".

   

Sometimes the silver lining of a bad situation is really f#@%ed up.

   

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Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. ms. sizzle says:

    how on earth does one splatter fecal matter on all those surfaces? wait. don’t tell me. i don’t think i can stomach it.

    this reminds me of the story i heard about the woman who took a dump in a hot tub because (as she put it) she was “so relaxed”- i mean, come on! so relaxed you couldn’t not poo in a public hot tub?!

    i am now officially grossed out.

  2. Hey, you haven’t lived until you smell a guava-papaya kitty litter closet.

    PS: I would rather pee in the bushes than use a public restroom.

  3. Erin says:

    What possesses people to spread their poop around a public restroom? I just don’t get it. I used to work at a park and people would fairly regularly do that type of thing in our restrooms. Ugh. Gross.

  4. adena says:

    Eons ago, I used to work in a grocery store. This particular grocery store had the EXTREME misfortune of being directly in front of an Old Folk’s Apartment complex.

    Now, apparently, the old folks would not like to use their OWN facilities, and would come to the store specifically for that purpose.

    You don’t want to know the number of times that I ran across that same situation. I honestly don’t understand how the crap could’ve gotten some of the places it wound up.

    Seriously….when you get old, does your explosion factor suddenly increase by 7 katrillion percent? That’s the only plausible explanation.

    Be glad it was only toxic orange you wound up smelling.

  5. Dave2 says:

    And here I was thinking that this was an isolated incident.

    WTF?

    How? How could something like this happen? Do they get up and try to wash their hands while they are still spraying crap everywhere?

    On second thought… I don’t want to know. Sometimes ignorance truly IS bliss. :-)

  6. Chanakin says:

    Had that happen once in a restaurant I worked at, and at least a dozen times when I was a park ranger.

    It was obviously done on purpose – there were handprints on the walls.

  7. Dave2 says:

    Okay. Okay. That’s just… wrong.

    Who intentionally puts their hands in crap to redecorate a bathroom?

  8. jackt says:

    “…and then the lady and I exited the ladies’ room together.”

    That would have been funny. But as it is, I’m laughing out loud right now and everyone in the office thinks I’m demented. Hilarious post.

  9. adena says:

    Oh man….I’m beginning to feel like a freak.

    I’ve been somewhere that happened, too.

    It was right after they announced that they would be outsourcing our jobs to India.

    A few hours later, the men’s restroom in our wing was closed.

    Reason?

    Someone “decorated” the bathroom. And stuffed newspaper down the toilet. But, the “decoration” is what shut down the facilities for a while. I felt sorry for the poor cleaning crew. We never found out who did it.

    (but..honestly…at the time, I could TOTALLY see the humor in it!!….but, I’m not bitter, or anything…) :)

    As far as the old people are concerned…I honestly don’t know. I think maybe they don’t realize they’re NOT done?? I could never work my mind around HOW it happened…

  10. Yes right. I was smiling while I saw the fruit.
    I might be my normal facial expression, if I see orange.
    Or this is some sort of a secret law of nature.

  11. Jodi says:

    Are there commentaries on season 1?

  12. *cackles wildly*

    I had a friend who worked in retail – he once had the duty of cleaning the bathroom ceiling.

  13. Kevin says:

    I don’t know what’s worse, the original post or the stories in the comments.

  14. Ugh, look at the, er, shit you’ve started, Dave. I don’t think I can stand to read more comments in this thread. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a big ol’ pile of chocolate ice cream to eat.

  15. shannon says:

    God, what a mistake to read this post while eating my lunch. :-) Ew. I can’t NOT try to imagine how in the world one would get fecal matter on the walls by accident. If it wasn’t on purpose than someone has a serious problem. And this is not an isolated incident??? The majority of my employment has been spent behind a bar tending to a bunch of fools and while nothing of that nature has ever occurred in the restrooms, I have vomit-tales galore.
    Oh, and I have to go rewatch this season of VM at some point. The ending makes so much sense now but I never saw it coming. I’m sure there were hundreds of clues throughout that I missed.

  16. Jeff says:

    For as disgusting as that sounds, I still can’t help being intrigued by how someone could “spray” crap all over a bathroom – especially the sink! I mean, what did he have to do, walk around with his pants around his ankles while he shot crap out his ass?

    I’m going to have to think about that one for awhile. On second thought…

  17. Janet says:

    Thank you for making me smile. MMMMMmmmm… Oranges.

  18. Bec says:

    Big smile on my face at the orange which then made me run to the kitchen to get one, started peeling said orange while I continued reading, stopped as the story unfolded then remembered orange in my hand and smiled again.

    Damn, now I have a sticky keyboard…

  19. Megan says:

    When I was in consulting, I worked in a modular unit for a while that was placed on the edge of a corn field … in rural Texas. It was not a building accessible to the general public, so only employees were allowed inside. The sign in the unisex bathroom said not to flush the usual bathroom-related contents down the toilet followed by instructions not to flush corn cobs down the toilet, either. I’m not sure where they expected you to put all of your corn cobs after you finished eating them while sitting on the pot; apparently, down the toilet was not the answer. Bummer.

  20. Alexis says:

    I, too, find myself morbidly fascinated with trying to figure out how that could even happen…must make desperate attempt to force my mind to other topics…maybe I should go stare at the happy oranges in my fridge…

    On an infinitely more pleasant subject, have you seen the Liz Hurley milk ad in this week’s Newsweek?

  21. MRKisThatKid says:

    I’m a bit… yeah….guiness…and all that that right now.
    But as seen as you brought veronica mars up. The finale was freakin amazing, just a shame it was him…can’t remember his name..who took a jump ‘cos he was a mighty fine actor, but hey-ho. Anyway, I just wanna say that i thought the season sucked a bit in the middle episodes and i was that close to giving up on it, I just wish they had spread a bit of the finale’s comprehension with the rest of the season, i was scratching my head going “foook off!” at the screen for most of the season.

    But above all this… will someone please tell Wallace to shave the baby mustache off? And… is it wrong for that… i mean him to be one of the main reason’s to watch… when i’m the age I am? haha. oh well

    But without the mustache

    yeah.

  22. timothy says:

    Ok, I’m throwing up at my desk right now. That is just gross. If I were the janitor assigned the task to clean up that shit, I would’ve resigned my position. Yuck. Yuck. YUCK!

  23. nick sizzle says:

    when i was in elementary school there were a couple people that liked to poop outside the bathroom in the hallway. it was gross.

  24. Tink says:

    I am going to ignore the yucky bits of this post and simply focus on the bright shiny orange….

    ahhhhh….all better!

  25. Bre says:

    Having smelled some truly foul stenches in my lifetime thanks to the general disgustingness of college students… I can’t say that I blame them!

  26. ChillyWilly says:

    My level of disgust starts at someone that can’t flush after going poo in a public restroom. It goes up exponentially from there.

    I agree with adnea… be glad it was orange that you smelled.

  27. SJ says:

    Too bad the lovely orange chaser couldn’t have come AFTER the poo stories!!!

    Gonna go look at some nice unicorns now …

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