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Bastardized

Posted on Monday, August 28th, 2006

Dave!I fully admit to being a smart-ass bastard.

It's almost impossible for me to be anything but a smart-ass bastard considering how totally brilliant I am. In fact, I'm so smart that I can't even pretend to be a dumbass. I'm just not that good of an actor. Coming to terms with the fact that even my ass is smarter than 95% of the general population has saved me from a lot of heartache and grief. If I didn't have such realization about my talents, I would probably break down and cry every time some idiot decides to berate me for my pointing out their intellectual inadequacies.

Like today.

I was at the mini-mart picking up my Coke with Lime this morning (on sale: Two for Two Dollars!) when some stupid bitch pulls up next to me... IN THE HANDICAP PARKING SPACE!! She doesn't have a handicap parking permit, and obviously doesn't have a physical handicap...

DAVE: It must be mental.
   
STUPID BITCH: Sorry?
   
DAVE: Your handicap... it must be mental.
   
STUPID BITCH: I'm just buying a pack of cigarettes and'll only be a minute so why don't you mind your f#@%ing business! Are you the f#@%ing retard parking police? Who the f#@% are you?
   
DAVE: Oh good, so you you do realize you're parking in the wrong spot then.

Yeah. And knowing that she has the mental capabilities of a piece of navel lint, here is my reaction to her rantings...

Davenocare

Seriously, how else could I possibly react? Like I give a crap about anything this white trash dipshit has to say?

I know people who have to use handicap parking since it's very difficult for them to walk even short distances. When some lazy whore takes the only handicap parking spot because she doesn't feel like walking an extra twenty yards, that means she could be causing physical harm to somebody who needs it more than her lamer ass.

I think it's only right that she be made aware that she's an ill-manered bitch.

Being a smart-ass is such a thankless job.


Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. jodi says:

    you are doing the lord’s work.

  2. I totally agree! Since hurting my knee I have a newly remembered appreciation for the ability to walk unencumbered, and I want to drop fresh fish bait down the front air vents of any car without a tag that parks in a handicap spot. The smell is not so bad in the summer, but when they run the heater in winter….REVENGE IS MINE!!!!!

  3. undisciplined says:

    I think you are becoming one of my personal heroes.
    Keep fighting the battle for closet smart-asses everywhere!

  4. adena says:

    Well, seeing as how my dad actually IS handicapped (on crutches), and has been for around 60 years of his life….AND, for the longest time REFUSED to get a handicapped permit….and would park a gazillion miles away from where we needed to be, and “hoofed” it, ON CRUTCHES…..

    I have a hard time sympathizing w/ people who are “just running into the store”.

    Than, park in a normal spot, bitch!!

  5. Mooselet says:

    We can only hope that this bitch develops emphysemia in 20 years and needs that handicap space, only to find some younger dumb-ass has parked in it forcing her to walk those extra twenty yards wheezing and gasping and hacking up a black lung as she wheels her oxygen tank behind her to buy a pack of cigarettes.

  6. Kapha says:

    “It must be mental.”

    ROFL!! :D

    What I find even worse is people that park their 12-foot-wide SUV++ in such a way as to straddle both a handicap space AND the space next to it THEN exit said truck leaving the engine running!

    I have to forcibly stifle the urge to fit them snugly into their 8-inch-wide exhaust pipe…

  7. Anthony says:

    I reckon you’ll enjoy the article that’s linked to from this page, written by a guy called Jeremy Clarkson who presents a car show in Britain called ‘Top Gear’. A man after your own heart. :)

  8. Belinda says:

    You know what? Even when I qualified (as I easily could now) for the temporary hang-tag…I couldn’t bring myself to get it. Not because of pride or anything like that–I HAVE no pride. But just because of the awful feeling I’d get if I used it, and then someone came along who needed it more, and my stupid car was parked there. Just couldn’t do it.

    When I was for months in the giant foot torture-cast-thingy, I just made other people drive me around and push me in a wheelchair, so I didn’t need a handicap tag then, either. I mean, *I* wasn’t the one doing the pushing, so what did I care?

    What I don’t understand, around here, are the jerkwads who are OBVIOUSLY driving, say, their grandmother’s vehicle, with the handicap plate, and using the spaces. That has to be a special kind of suckage, worse even than the scenario you describe. I saw this just the other day at a big-box store. Big boat of a Lincoln or Caddy or something pulls up, older model, plates on it, and out SPRINGS a perfectly able-bodied 19-24-year-old male and *sprints*, I kid you not, inside. I was buying a broom, and looked for him all over the store so I could “accidentally” trip him with it on my way out, but no such luck.

  9. Laurence says:

    Totally agree ! It’s a question of RESPECT (again).
    We had a slogan in France : “Si tu veux ma place, prends mon handicap!” (If you want my place, take my handicap!) There are stickers with this slogan and a big advertising campaign following the French Senate’s initiative.
    You were right to speak to her like this. By the way, I delighted that you did it with your humour. I would not have been able to speak to her. But, on the other hand, I would have been able to stick (a lot of these stickers) on her stupid car !
    R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

  10. Avitable says:

    Bravo!

    I always just pull up onto the curb, blocking the grocery store doors so I can get out of my car and walk right into the store without moving any extra steps at all.

  11. Dave2 says:

    Jodi… Or is He doing mine? I get confused sometimes. :-)

    Frances… You should totally get to pound on cars with a baseball bat if they take your handicap parking… no penalty!

    Undisciplined… I’m kind of my own hero, so I know exactly what you mean!

    Adena… I have a hard time with anybody who makes life harder for somebody else because they’re lazy. It doesn’t get much worse than that.

    Mooselet… Yes. Karma is a bitch!

    Kapha… Ah yes… the banana in the tailpipe gag! Brilliant!

    Anthony… Oooh, thanks! I’ll download the article. Hopefully I won’t be arrested by the copyright police! :-)

    Belinda… It takes a special kind of asshole to do something that could intentionally bring harm to somebody. On the other hand, it takes a special kind of decency to put yourself at an inconvenience to make life easier for somebody else. It’s a simple rule to understand, but most people just aren’t that bright. :-(

    Eddie… Yes. Fat-headed.

    Laurence… “If you want my place, take my handicap!” — I had not heard that one before! Brilliant! I should print that out and super-glue it on the sides of cars who violate handicap parking! :-)

    Avitable… See, dumbasses aren’t that smart. You inconvenience people intelligently, so it’s hard for me to fault your unique brand of assholedness! :-D

  12. yellojkt says:

    The best part is that she was buying coffin nails. Inconsiderate and self-dstructive. All the best things in life rolled together. Keep up the smart-assing.

  13. Sara says:

    I thank you for being a smart-ass. Well done.

  14. Laurence says:

    I had also thought of super-glue! :-D

  15. kapgar says:

    Isn’t that the same bitch who tried to sell you a Harry Potter book last year? Looks like one and the same.

    So, uh, which percentage of the population do we, your faithful loving readers, fall into?

  16. ms. sizzle says:

    a lazy bitch who is killing herself with cancer sticks. awesome.

    i love that drawing. my first laugh of the day!

    how much do i love that you said she had a mental handicap to her?! so much. so very much.

  17. jali says:

    Good for you. Keep speaking up – I hope Karma gets her in the end…”so, you want to be eligible for handicapped parking…Karma can make it so.”

  18. Kristin says:

    Sweeeeeeet! Bravo to you. I used to have to refuse to serve the dumbasses who parked in the handicapped spot right in front of my espresso cart. And then TRIED TO ARGUE WITH ME me that it was “just for a minute, if someone comes I’ll just move.” LIKE THEY ACTUALLY THOUGHT THE LIEGITIMATELY HANDICAPPED PERSON SHOULD HAVE TO TAKE THE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHICH ASSHOLE IS PARKED IN THE RESERVED SPACE! I couldn’t believe the cojones people had, getting mad at ME for refusing to collaborate in their assholery.

    So, ah, yeah. I support your grassroots action there.

  19. Neil says:

    Next time take a photo with your cameraphone and send it to the police so she could get a fine.

  20. Dave2 says:

    Yellojkt… If only there was a way to speed up the process. :-)

    Sara… Okay, I guess being a smart-ass is not a TOTALLY thankless job then!

    Laurence… Super Glue is amazing stuff. I have a tube with me at all times because you just never know when it will come in handy.

    Kapgar… The cartoon woman is generic. Far be it for me to get sued because I actually attempted to depict the bitch realistically!

    Ms. Sizzle… It probably did no amount of good. I am willing to bet that her brain wasn’t able to retain any sort of lesson from this, and I’ll see her skanky ass parked there again one day. :-(

    Jali… Karma ALWAYS gets you in the end. That much I am certain of! :-D

    Kristin… Yep, that’s exactly right. Odds are the handicapped person will just keep going if they see the space filled. It’s this kind of illogical thinking that makes me certain I am not making a snap judgement when I call these people stupid.

    Neil… I’ve decided to start carrying a blow-torch with me. If I still have room, I’ll pack a mobile camera-phone as well.

  21. Karl says:

    Argh! Selfish insensitive bastard people drive me insane. Couldn’t you have accidentally stuck your foot out and tripped her? For me? Is that too much to ask?

  22. Tracy Lynn says:

    I’m supposed to have a handicap sign, but I refuse to get one. I see people worse off than me every day, and they need the spot more than I.
    However, I do enjoy standing in the lot and yelling at people who are parked inappropriately in the spots. You take your joy where you can get it, I figure.

  23. Allison says:

    Good for you! I take my mother-in-law shopping. She has a permanent hanging tag because she has severe arthritis and cannot walk far. If I have her in my car and I’m “just running in” to a store, I will will not use the handicapped spaces. Those are for the folks that NEED them.

    Kudos to you for saying something to this inconsiderate bitch!

  24. adena says:

    Hmm….I’m not sure I like the fact that your generic dumb-ass/bitch cartoon woman is a REDHEAD!!!….

    *sniff*

  25. margalit says:

    I have a handicap tag because I need it. In my state, you can legally block the photo on the tag, so anyone can use it. The RMV even provides you the little paper to pull over the identification. I refuse to use that. My photo and name is on my tag for all to see. But the amazing thing is, people STILL argue with me about using the handicap space I’m entitled to. And like Eddie, I’ve been accused of using it ONLY because I’m fat. Which is the worst kind of descrimination and totally disgusting. I use it because I have what’s called a “hidden disability”, a serious congenital heart defect.

    What my reason is for using my handicap tag is not anyone’s business. If I have one, get the fuck out of my space and DO NOT tell me I’m not entitled to it because I’m fat or ugly or Jewish or stupid or anythng else. Just get the fuck out of my space and let me park where I’m entitled to park.

  26. Chanakin says:

    So it’s none of your F’ing business, but she believes you’re due an explanation of why she’s an asshole.

    Her IQ’s as low as her father’s sperm count.

  27. Randy says:

    Dave,
    I promise if you run for president on the Smart Ass Ticket I will vote for you.

    I will also get all my friends to vote for you.

    You can save us all from the current dumbass of a president…

    I can see it now, you will get ALL of your points across to America through your Davetoons.

  28. kilax says:

    I love that she had to park there so she could buy CIGARETTES. At least we know she parked there for something important! ;)

  29. Aargh says:

    Moronic people drive me crazy I would love to take a tire iron to their cars but that would only give me a few minutes of satisfaction and a whole lotta grief. But then again what is life without a little grief. Anyone who parks in Disabled spots needs a good kick in the ass no matter the reason.

  30. Mark says:

    Dave, it’s not a thankless job if I thank you for making me chuckle. So, thanks for making me chuckle.

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