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Posted on Wednesday, February 8th, 2006

Dave!I honestly try not to repeat myself whenever it comes time to write something new... but every once in a while, I just can't help it.

Such is the case with the idiot in Louisiana who is suing Apple because "listening to an iPod with the volume too loud can cause hearing loss". I've already ranted about it, but the story keeps coming up in the news and, every time it does, I just keep getting more and more furious. The fact that somebody can sue over something so incredibly stupid causes my blood to boil, and I cannot let it go. I want very badly to bitch-slap somebody, but society has made stupid shit like this acceptable, so what can you do? I mean, if a woman can be awarded millions of dollars because she wasn't careful with a scalding-hot cup of coffee, then nothing surprises me.

Pretty soon, everything is going to be plastered with disclaimers and those little "NO" illustrations, which I like to call "DUMBASS PROTECTION". You know, those little pictures with the slash through them that you see everywhere...

Forklift Warning

Bucket Warning

And why stop there? I mean, if you don't know any better than to not play the volume on your iPod too loud... then other sublimely obvious crap is going to need Dumbass Protection as well...

Inserting pencil into eye may cause vision loss!

Cutting off penis with scissors may decrease sex drive!

Lighting farts may cause ass to catch fire!

And the list goes on and on.

Just take a look around the room you're in, select an item, come up with something insanely stupid to do with it that might result in injury, then SUE LIKE A MUTHA-F#@%A!! Apparently, it's the American way: baseball, apple pie, and frivolous lawsuits.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have legal proceedings to file against Ticonderoga, Fiskars, and Zippo. Blogography: Your class-action lawsuit clearing house!

BLOGDATE: July 4, 2003
In which Dave questions how 6 grams of fat on some daft bitch's ass could possibly be worth fifty million dollars.
Click here to go back in time...

Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Patti says:

    Offhand, it appears as though I could:

    1. suffocate myself with scotch tape (if applied liberally to my nostrils and mouth…and it doesn’t say NOT to right?….right?)

    2. puncture my eardrum with a pen.

    3. I see toner…wonder if I should drink it…

    4. Ditto on the ink refill for our stamps.

    and do you think if I photocopy my face, eyes open, for say….2 hours a day, that it could possibly hurt me?

    I didn’t think so. The world is my oyster.

  2. Kevin says:

    See!? If I had a warning label on my Zippo, I wouldn’t have to type this while laying on my stomach.

  3. delmer says:

    I was in McDonalds the other day and asked for a large coffee with some ice in the bottom. When the gal asked how much ice I said just enough to raise the temperature a little — I’m trying not to burn myself since the days of suing you guys over things like this seem to be over.

    I also had an Egg McMuffin. The edge of the Muffin part was a small bit burned — sort of crunchy and sharp and I scraped my lip on it. The guy across from me noticed my discomfort and handed me his business card. It was Joel Hyatt.

  4. Harold says:

    Dave..My lawyer will soon be contacting you! While I was sitting at my computer reading your daily Blog,I got a leg cramp and stood up too quickly, got dizzy, fell over and hit my head on a floor lamp. It sounds like I’ll be going on a great vacation this year afterall!

  5. Pauly D says:

    I saw Coldplay last night and I’m suing them, too because my ears hurt this morning.

    I wonder how much I can get.

  6. Annette says:

    Obviously someone needs to clue those rioting over the insulting “anti-Islam” cartoon that there’s an easier way, and one which doesn’t cause so much death and destruction!

    I’m going to sue Hershey’s because I ate too many Kissables and couldn’t sleep last nite. Then I can afford to buy more.

  7. Dave2 says:

    Patti: Best of luck with those lawsuits! Don’t forget to send me my cut of the spoils!

    Delmer: Well, with Joel Hyatt on your side, your only worry now will be finding space to store your million dollars! “I’m David Simmer, and you have my word on it.”

    Harold: Sorry to tell you, but I will be counter-suing for “undue clumsiness” and “mental distress”.

    Pauly: Considering the millions that Coldplay undoubtedly earns from touring, along with our court’s ridiculous habit of passing out money like candy, I’d say quite a lot. But don’t settle for money… take lead singer Chris Martin’s girlfriend and mother of his child: Gwyneth Paltrow! She can simulate a bitchin’ English accent!

    Annette: I think you’d be better off suing for “chocolate poisoning” – health risks are far more lucrative.

  8. ChillyWilly says:

    Pointless lawsuits.

    So many opportunities, too many ethical reasons to leave well enough alone.

    I can not think, off the top of my head, something that I come across in my daily life that would be important enough to sue over.

    Now back to listening to my iPod at 80% volume level…. what’s that you say?

  9. Arwen says:

    Snorfling toothpaste while brushing your teeth because you are laughing at the Daily Show burns the back of your nasal passages, Colgate and Comedy Central, look out.

  10. Jeff says:

    You joke, but do you have any idea how much it actually hurts to burn your ass that way? One tip – make sure you’re clean shaven before you light up!

  11. Patti says:

    Yeah Jeff, but do you blame Zippo or Gilette for that mishap? I say both. Can’t be too careless!

  12. rach says:

    omg, jeff’s thought this through. kinda scary.

    people that waste their time (and ours) with these frivolous lawsuits really need to just let the bad shit happen to them.

    i believe they call it natural selection.

  13. Chaz says:

    I think you’re failing to see the point of these lawsuits. It’s not that they simply injured themselves while using the product, but the manufacturers forced them to use that product and then they were injured. That’s why smokers got awarded tons of money by the tobacco industry, and that’s why fat people can sue fast food chains for making them fat! It’s not their fault at all! The manufacturers made them do it with “magic mind bullets”!

  14. sandra says:

    I wish I’d read your blog earlier — someone was irritating me and I actually poked my eye out with a pencil. Although my new patch is really quite attractive.

  15. jube jubes says:

    shoving a fork into a light socket may result in a very bad hair day.
    (*for the record, I have actually experienced this phenemenon*)

  16. JenLo says:

    It wouldn’t be so bad if every five minutes there weren’t a lawyer ad displaying some crazy exaggerated mishap, suggesting that if something like this happens to you, to call. “We’re the hard hitters” the most recent one says.

  17. Belinda says:

    When reading the instructions on a home pregnancy test (negative, boo-hoo) the other day, I was stunned to see that they began with this directive: “Open package.” You have to wonder–I mean you just HAVE to–if this is the result of many confused phone calls from consumers, and I tried to imagine that…”I’ve been peeing on this box all day and it won’t tell me if I’m pregnant.” And then I thought, if you don’t know that you have to OPEN the EPT first, should you really be thinking about polluting the gene pool?

  18. Toni says:

    Hmmm…I can sue my school for my carpal tunnel as a result of all the typing I do when writing papers.

    Does anyone have Larry Parker’s phone number? I wonder if he can also get me 2.1 million.

  19. Barbara says:

    I just love your blog. I’ve read quite a lot of what you wrote here, and saw you were in Italy, which is my neighbouring country. I actually found you when lookin’ up up for some heartbreaking pics (and found your three valentine pics). Nothing…just to let u know someone form Croatia, Europe, reads you form now on. I own a blog, but you won’t be able to read it since it’s in Croatia. I’ll be back here soon!

  20. Leanne says:

    Everything you said completely true except for one point.
    Ipod person very dumb indeed but for all we know it was on intentional so they could sue : P

    but I did want to make a comment on the Mickey D’s woman I at firsdt thought what a moron to sue over burning herself on coffee but about 3 years later I found the transcripts of the case and found out a few things
    1. the woman did not just spill the coffee on herself the Styrofoam cup bottom melted!! It takes over 170 degrees F to melt a Styrofoam cub about 50-45 degrees hotter then the human mouth can take
    • she suffered third degree burns over 6% of her body including her inner thighs, buttocks, genital and groin area.
    •The 79-year-old woman required eight days in the hospital and painful skin grafts and débridement.
    •At the time of the accident, she was sitting in a parked car attempting to remove the cup’s lid to add cream and sugar. She was not driving the vehicle, nor was it moving.
    •Prior to her burns, McDonald’s knew its coffee scalded consumers–they received more than 700 burn claims between 1982 and 1992.
    •Even though McDonald’s knew that a burn hazard existed with substances served above 140 degrees, the company maintained a policy to keep their coffee at 180 to 190 degrees.
    •When the 79-year-old woman tried to settle her case for $20,000, McDonald’s refused.
    •The jury’s punitive damages verdict of $2.7 million equaled about 2 days of McDonald’s coffee sales.
    •The punitive damages award was reduced to $480,000 and the parties later settled.
    Thanks to this 79-year-old injured woman, the company immediately lowered the temperature of its coffee so that McDonald’s customers who order coffee no longer risk third degree burns.

    So yes I agree dumb ipod user but leave the poor old woman alone

  21. Dave2 says:

    I read that she spilled the coffee. A quick Google search shows that styrofoam doesn’t melt until 205 degrees, and so I am inclined to think that, anyway. 🙂

    I still maintain that it was the woman’s carelessness with a liquid known to be scalding-hot who was to blame for the coffee incident at McDonalds. Coffee is meant to be brewed at a temperature between 195 and 205 degrees in order to be sure that the flavor is properly extracted from the ground beans. If people want to drink fresh-brewed coffee, that’s the deal. After brewing, maintaining high temperatures keeps the coffee fresher for longer, and 200 degrees is not uncommon at a professional coffee house. That’s just the way good coffee is supposed to be served, and the danger that comes from drinking it is the price you pay. That’s why you see people blowing on their coffee and slurping it… because it’s way too hot to drink right away.

    It’s like buying a knife, dropping it on your foot, cutting off your big toe, and then suing the knife manufacturer. Everybody should know to be careful when handling dangerous objects… including scalding hot coffee. Mistakes happen, and it is truly unfortunate that she was burned so badly, but I still feel it was not right for McDonalds to have to pay for brewing coffee according to guidelines that have been given to make good-tasting coffee… that’s what her insurance is for.

  22. Well, I guess that I just don’t have the stones that are required to sue someone for anything, or maybe I am just lazy, I have had several incidents that could be considered potentially lucrative if I were to decide to sue someone. Unfortunately for me I have this little voice in my head that tells me that would be wrong, and that I could take money from someone that really needs it, and besides that think of all the time and effort that would take…Damn Conscience.


  23. Jacquie says:

    Ok, I’m suing blogging because I keep finding funny blogs like yours which lead to an increasing blog obsession and I can’t get any work done and my life is falling apart around me while I get lost in blogland vs reality. I don’t think anyone has sued a blog yet and there are no warning signs to be found anywhere. I think my chances are excellant.

  24. nic says:

    Working in a kitchen once, I saw a red circle with a line through it on the slicing machine that showed a hand with all its fingers cut off and red blood spurting! Imagine what could have happened if I hadn’t seen that little sign!

  25. Juli says:

    So you do understand my lawsuit against Mead and GP. Have YOU ever seen a warning on paper???!

  26. karla says:

    I’m suing the smelly guy on the treadmill next to me at the gym. His lack of showering is causing me mental and nasal distress. I’m also suing the gym for having smelly people.

  27. MIke says:

    My vision has been damaged by reading warning signs needlessly. I am definitely calling my lawyer!

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