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Parole

Posted on Thursday, October 26th, 2006

Dave!This morning a piece of spam somehow managed to get past both my spam service and my local spam filter. This happens every once in a while, but usually not when it has a subject line that reads "Make your penis the happiest penis in the world with Penis Adam & Eve Penis Pump!" I guess that the overuse of the word "penis" must have crashed the system or something.

I don't know which is worse... that spam is intruding on my inbox, or that my penis may be unhappy because I haven't purchased him a penis pump. And since my penis and I stopped speaking months ago, I don't really know how to inquire about that...

Dave Penis

But I can't think about my penis just now, because I just retrieved a very disturbing voicemail from my parole officer today.

Apparently, I have 24 hours of community service left to turn in or else I won't be released from probation, and she's going to recommend that my term be extended six months to a year! This upsets me quite a lot because I've been so busy lately, and haven't had time to put in any community service hours. She then goes on to tell me "you need to call me TOMORROW, Jose, or else we won't have time to resolve this before your court date."

Huh? Jose?

My name isn't Jose. It's Dave.

And then I remember that I don't have a parole officer, nor am I under a community service order. I've never been caught for any of my crimes.

I guess I should call Jose's parole officer tomorrow and tell her that she left a message at the wrong number or else Jose is going to be in trouble... errr... going to be in more trouble.

In better news today (not involving my penis or a parole officer) my copy of Depeche Mode's Touring the Angel: Live in Milan arrived. I managed to snag the digipack version which includes a DVD of the concert, CD of selected tracks, and a bonus DVD for $8.79 at Half.com, a total bargain! I then did what I always do when I get a new Depeche Mode DVD... I watched ALL of my DM concert videos in sequence so I can listen to how their performance changes over the years. Touring the Angel is pretty darn good (I went and saw it live in Chicago with Kapgar last year), but not quite as good as 101 and Devotional which are tied for my all-time favorite.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to sit down and have a talk with my penis before retiring for the evening.


Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006, Music 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. adena says:

    I’m sorry that you apparently don’t have the happiest penis in the world.

    An unhappy penis and extended parole. It’s just not your night.

  2. diane says:

    Dude, you are walking yourself into so much trouble by declaring that you have an unhappy penis.

    Penis is a funny word.

  3. ajooja says:

    Oh, Dave, you just have to put that DaveToon on a grey t-shirt. That’s just too funny.

  4. Mooselet says:

    You should really do something to make your penis happy. I don’t have one so I couldn’t recommend anything in particular, but a happy penis is very important. Perhaps it needs to do community service?

    I envy you and the time you have to watch Depeche Mode DVD’s. I’ve had Dark Shadows for 2 months and still can’t find time to watch them.

  5. Kapha says:

    The Technorati Tags: Parole Officer, Penis Pump, and Spam in one post has *got* to set some kind of record somewhere…

    I think I figured out what Big Dave was saying in that cartoon ala “Wheel of Fortune”:

    &$@# %&!

    translates to:

    SPAM US!

    Which I think means Big Dave wants you to order one of those PA&EPP’s right away.

  6. Laurence says:

    Spam… Me, I’ve received spam for Viagra.

    Maybe, my spam + your spam make your p***** happier !!!

    Anyway, communication is very important !!! :-D

  7. serap says:

    There’s no-way that lil’ Dave would ever need an adam and eve penis pump. We’ve all seen the evidence. Lucky lil’ toon!

  8. Jeff says:

    I need to sit down and have a talk with my penis….

    Hmmm, me thinks you could use a girlfriend Dave. Hey – maybe the parole officer is available! I’ll bet she even has handcuffs.

  9. karla says:

    Why must you insist on placing these images in my head? Now I have Depeche Mode songs stuck in my brain, with an image of you singing “Personal Jesus” to your penis, like some warped video. This is NOT good.

    Must…empty..brain.

  10. Tracy Lynn says:

    Maybe you should have the parole officer talk to your penis. Sounds a very no nonsense person, that parole officer.

  11. Miss Britt says:

    Tell him I said “Hello!”

  12. nancycle says:

    Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis…Penis, penis….Penis, penis, penis. Penis, penis, penis, penis-penis-penis, penis, penis. Penis, penis…Penis, Penis…..Penis.

    How’s the system? Still standing?

    :-)

  13. Neil says:

    Great news! I wore your t-shirt to the supermarket today and some kid asked me, “What’s that?” and I said, “It’s a blog.” So, I might have just gotten you a new fifteen year old reader! So, clean up your language. He’s just a kid.

  14. Dave2 says:

    What? No advice for talking with my penis?

    :-)

  15. Belinda says:

    I am so worried about Jose’ now. Please update.

  16. diane says:

    Dude, again, asking for trouble.

    I always find it’s nice to take a walk with someone when I need to have a serious conversation. So, pull out your penis and say, “Hey guy, let’s take a walk.” Take him by the hand…er…in your hand?…and walk to the nearest public park. Sit on a park bench with him close to you. (you may wish to wear a trench coat) Ask him if he’s happy. He made need some coaxing, so don’t be upset if he doesn’t respond right away…
    Oh hell. Get a blow job! What more can I say?

  17. RW says:

    Well shit – if you can’t talk to your penis you’ll never get ahead…

  18. Dave2 says:

    Adena… Tell me about it! Could be worse though… I could be Jose!

    Diane… A lot of naughty words are funny to me. This makes any sexual activity a bit awkward when she starts talking dirty to me…

    Ajooja… It would be funny… at least until I was thrown in prison for walking around with obscene clothing!

    Mooselet… Just so you know, having a penis does not necessarily make one an expert. I’m just sayin’. And I DON’T have time to watch DVDs… I just put them on in the background while I work. My Netflix stack has been sitting there untouched for quite a while now. :-(

    Anthony… Yeah, I should really get me a parole officer so I have something new to blog about…

    Kapha… Curse symbols don’t necessarily translate at a ratio of one letter to each symbol. If they did, I would have run out of room in that DaveToon! :-D

    Laurence… I get plenty of Viagra spam already. No need to send me yours! :-)

    Serap… This is quite true. So who knows what’s he’s bitching about?

    Jeff… If I had a girlfriend, there would be no NEED to have a talk with my penis! :-)

    Karla… And thanks for putting that disturbing image in all our heads! Even I am nauseous thinking about this one!

    Tracy Lynn… Are parole officers armed? If they are, then I’d be scared to let her anywhere near my penis!

    Miss Britt… He just grunted and went back to sleep. I suppose that’s the best we could hope for?

    Dawn… I know! Jose is in the shit now!!

    Nancycle… For the moment. Though having that much penis on my blog cannot be a good thing! :-)

    Neil… He’s probably seen a lot worse than anything I’ve posted here at 15-years-old!

    Belinda… Will do. I’ll put it in my entry tonight.

    Diane… Shhhhhh! You are just going to encourage him!! :-P

    RW… Yes, but neither will he. :-)

  19. annie says:

    My parole officer was always bugging me, too, I finally moved and changed my number.

    It’s pretty much been my experience that when I see a penis, it’s pretty happy.
    I’m not bragging or anything, I’m just sayin’…

  20. delmer says:

    I used to do most of my talking to my penis in high school. And then the conversations were almost always “Not now. The bell’s about to ring. Please! Not now. I dont’ have any books with me. Nooooo!”

  21. Kyle I says:

    I get about 200 of those per week on my spam box at work. If I were smart I’d take their advice. I’d be the richest, smartest, biggest dick swingin guy in town!

  22. So, is Bad Monkey the mediator in this Dave/Penis confab, or does he just like to watch? ;-)

  23. Whoops! Submitted that too soon. I got to see that same DM show in Dallas. I can now die happy that I have heard ‘Never Let Me Down’ live.

  24. Kapha says:

    Pronounce the word “happiness” slowly… one syllable at a time.

    lol

  25. Dave2 says:

    Annie… Then you are somebody my penis should meet! :-)

    Delmer… Those were the days. I don’t miss that period in my life at all. :-D

    Kyle… You’d probably also be bankrupt, because everybody wants to take your money. Having a happy penis apparently takes a hefty chunk of cash. No wonder…

    Frances… Bad Monkey is always getting into places he shouldn’t be. I’ve just learned to ignore him. After all, what can you do? He’s just a monkey. I do prefer the live version of most DM songs, and Never Let Me Down is indeed a good one live.

    Kapha… The original title of this entry was “happenis” but I worried that nobody would get it! :-)

  26. Juli says:

    Now that you’re free from completing your community service you’ll have time to devote to your next dummies book. It’s important that we all know how to talk to a penis to ensure its happiness.

  27. Kevin says:

    I hope you and your penis work out a mutually beneficial arrangement. But I’m not sure I want to know the details.

  28. KB says:

    Maybe if you had made your penis happy, you wouldn’t need a parole officer.

  29. Renée says:

    Penises. Parole. Depeche Mode. All in one post. This could not get better Dave!!!

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