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Posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

Dave!I'm running out of ways to say "kiss my ass."

And it's a darn shame too, because there are some people I know right now who are in desperate need of a nice "kiss my ass" shout-out. But I've found that there's only so many times you can say that in a day without starting to sound like you are, in fact, wanting some lip-action on your posterior. In some cases, this may be true. But, in general, most of the people I'm telling to kiss my ass I don't really want anywhere near my butt.

In lieu of a good "kiss my ass" replacement, I suppose I could just skip the verbal assault and go around bitch-slapping the idiots...


Alas, physical assault is frowned upon by the police, and I'd imagine that there's only so many times you could go around bitch-slapping people before you're being hauled in for your mugshot...


And since the idea of somebody arresting me while I'm eating my Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes is not cool, restraining myself seems to be a good idea. No matter how much the moron deserves it.

Eh. Maybe I'll just start telling people to "bite me" instead.

Categories: DaveLife 2007, DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. Hilly says:

    We should start a whole new kind of “what to say when you really want someone to kiss your ass” dictionary. I need a new word for cocksucker too ;).

  2. RW says:

    I’ve always had problems with the term “bite me” because, regardless of the original meaning, that would actually be a bad thing and sounds kind of masochistic, somehow.

    And ass-kissing, while acceptable, still asks something be done to the speaker rather than having something done to the speakee.

    I have always managed to get away with sucker punches to the stomach. The amount of idiots in my general vicinity has really gone down since applying this tactic. Yes I know there is always that police risk, but sometimes jail is simply worth the humor.

  3. Kyra says:

    I tell people to bite me all the time. 🙂 But it has the unfortunate turn about as well, that some people tend to think of it as a come-on.

    Careful with that, or you may have to share your potatoes.

  4. Avitable says:

    How about “Go suck a tailpipe”?

  5. Liana says:

    I get the feeling that you are referring to someone specific and it sound like a good story. I dont suppose you’d be interested in sharing it? Specially since I’m home sick with “hemorrhoids”, (… no, just still enjoying yesterday’s post) really, a cold, and would love to read more here.

  6. Stacey says:

    I don’t usually use “kiss my ass,” now that I think about it. I am partial to “f*** you very much.”

  7. sandra says:

    I had that day yesterday…

  8. Hmmmm. That whole “bite me” thing could get problematic if people decide to a) take you up on it and b) get creative as to WHERE they bite you.

    Maybe you should try the Brit version: “Piss off.”

  9. After a while “Bite me” will get you some unwanted solicitation as well. Just consider it a “lesson learned” from me to you.

  10. kim says:

    What about a good fuck off and die. You want to be careful who you ask to bite you as well.

  11. Lewis says:

    Between “kiss my ass” and “bite me,” you’re going to be in great shape. Maybe bite me could come first and then a kiss to make it feel all better. Are there THAT many people up there you’re ready to cut loose on?

  12. Bre says:

    I usually just cuss at them in another language. I’m ever hopeful that they won’t end up knowing it too!

  13. Miss Britt says:

    When I feel I have over used “kiss my ass” I instinctively go to “suck my dick”.

    And, well, you can imagine, that has problems of it’s own.

  14. kapgar says:

    “Lick me” is a fun one.

  15. Laurence says:

    I prefer when I see the kiss on the ass !!! 😀

  16. While I kick it old school style and stick with “f@#k you” I do wish (more often than not) that I could get away with a good hard kidney punch.

    It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

  17. Jacki says:

    “As my head is about to spontaneously combust from trying to decipher the crap that you speak, I suggest you run in the other direction to avoid getting hit” said in a very calm manner usually has people backing away from me.

  18. Mr. Rickey says:

    Ummm, while I agree that skipping directly to the bitch slap is mas effectivo and tragically a higher class misdemeanor at best, I would like to remind you that a “bitch slap” is actually executed by:
    1. Raising the hand opposite of the side of the slappee’s face to be slapped.
    2. The hand should come to an apex just above your shoulder on the same side as the “2BSlapped” side.
    3. In an outward arcing motion, the back of the hands, but not the knuckles (hitting with the knuckles not only can cause bruising to the slappee and injury to the slapper, but also is a higher level of bitch slap, known around here as a Knuckles of Tough Love) and the back of the hand, flattened, should hit the slappee’s cheek flush, much like a spatula patting a burger.
    4. Following through by releasing tension in the wrist after contact as the hand slides off the face.

    In your drawing, we see the standard, “shut yo mouth” slap, that while effective, would never be classified as a bitch slap.

    Keep up the good work, yours, MR.RICKEY

    Please see: for more info.

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