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Posted on Thursday, June 12th, 2008

Dave!While watching Steve Jobs give his keynote at Apple's World Wide Developer's Conference a few days back, I had a Twitter search running to see people's reactions to what was going on. It was at that time a dumbass twittered something so profoundly stupid that I was compelled to click through and see if he was just trying to be funny... or if he really was that idiotic.

Not shockingly, he really was a complete and total dumbass.

Not that I'm for censorship or anything, but shouldn't there be some kind of way to shield yourself from dumbasses on the internet? Because nothing ruins your day faster than being caught unaware by fucking idiots. And what a waste of time!

With this in mind, I am seeking venture capital for a proposed new application and service called DaveGuard™...

DaveGuard for Macintosh Icon


The way it would work is like this: After installation, you'd be presented DaveGuard™ options under your internet protection settings...

DaveGaurd Protection Settings Dialog


If you choose to be warned when dumbasses are detected, you'll be presented with a warning dialog that's integrated into your various internet services. This way, you can choose whether or not you want to waste your time on a dumbass before you accidentally start reading their bullshit...

Ann Coulter Website with Dumbass Warning Dialog Box


If you select automatic blocking, you won't even see dumbass content on your internet services... like Twitter, for example...

O'Reilly Dumbass Twitter Blockage

Eventually I would want to create additional protections that could be activated. Like LOLCat warnings...

Wayne's website showing LOLCat blocking dialog box.

As you can see, DaveGuard™ would be an invaluable service. Because, seriously, ask yourself how much time you waste every day with dumbasses on the internet. One hour? Two hours? FIVE HOURS?!? Wouldn't your life be infinitely better if you could avoid the dumbasses altogether? Just imagine how awesome this New World Internet would be! Stupid bitches? BLOCKED! Raging morons? GONE! Idiotic bastards? ELIMINATED! Sound too good to be true? It is too good to be true! It's DAVEGUARD™!!!!

My DaveGuard™ Dumbass Detection Algorithm™ concept is revolutionary. All I need is 6.8 billion dollars to develop it! That may sound like a lot of money, but think of the results! PRICELESS!!

So if you have 6.8 billion dollars hanging around (that's 2.4 million in euros), I can accept Visa, MasterCard, PayPal, or personal check... contact me today!

Categories: DaveLife 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. jake titus says:

    Greatest idea that I have seen in along time. Will DaveGaurd be avail on the iphone as well? If so, I have about 11 cents available on my visa to help out.

  2. SJ says:

    You spelled “continue” wrong on all your graphics, dumbass. LOL!

    Are you drunk-blogging again, Dave2?

  3. Dave2 says:

    Jake… YES! Even your iPhone will have DaveGuard™ protection! I would also be porting it to Windows, but I’m a little worried that it might cancel out the entire operating system.

    SJ… I caught that after I uploaded the graphics, and fixed the spelling before I posted my entry… how are you seeing it? In my browser, it appears correctly!

  4. ETinNY says:

    Venture capital – schmenture capital. Dave for Obama’s VP. A chicken in every pot & Daveguard for every American!

  5. Jacki says:

    When you market DAVEGUARD – I will but a copy – I don’t even need to know the price.

  6. Something that shields me from right wing wacko O’Reilly and Coulter types would be most welcome sir.

    And you know what, it’s totally your lucky day because I happen to have a spare 6.8 billion dollars that I trip over every flippin’ morning. I’ll have my people call your people.

  7. Tori says:

    I thought you were boycotting paypal… 😀

  8. Chris says:

    I can’t invest, but dude I’ll buy it in beta if I don’t make the testing trials.

  9. Iron Fist says:

    The only problem I can see with that is that I might go a little crazy pressing the “Abort” button in hopes that it might actually abort Ann Coulter. Hey, if you’re going to spend that kind of money on an application do you think you could build that feature into the Platinum version? There are plenty of dumbasses out there in need of being aborted.

  10. Jeff says:

    Damn it! I only have $6.7B. Crap!

  11. erik says:


  12. Neil T. says:

    There’s already an add-on for Firefox which warns you that you’re on MySpace and lets you go back to where you came from.

  13. Whit says:

    I’ll take it!

  14. Winter says:

    That is a phenomenal idea. I snickered way too much at the twitter-block of Bill O’Reilly though. I think I woke up my feral cats, choking back my laughter.

  15. yellojkt says:

    But what was the DumbAss thing he said? We need to be able to calibrate the meter.

  16. kapgar says:

    I really need to know what he said.

    BTW, will your blocker work on feed readers like Google Reader? I don’t want to unsubscribe when stupid content is in there, I just don’t want to have to see it. And if you can make it work so that all the warning messages don’t load all at once, but appear only as you scroll through your reads, that would be great.

  17. Göran says:

    I need this app but can only supply monopoly money right now 🙁

  18. Kyra says:

    That’d be nice – but we need a real world application of it too. Maybe on a GPS system? “Warning, if you turn left here, you will undoubtedly run into a line of protesting bigoted Dumbasses, please reroute.”

  19. Avitable says:

    I’d buy it! You’d probably make it so it only works on Macs, though. Fucker.

  20. Kelley says:

    I just need to get the dumbass off my couch and then I will look under the cushions for my contribution to the cause.

  21. Jonathan says:

    I’m all for it — what better way to block 95% of the Internet 😉

  22. Jules says:

    What an awesome idea! When I win the Lotto, I’ll be back in touch.

  23. whall says:

    Hi. This is Wayne’s computer. He doesn’t know about this post because he installed DaveGuard last night, and since your post contained a reference to LOLcats, he won’t see it. I sense a comment about irony coming.

    By the way, if you see Wayne, can you tell him I miss him? He used to spend a lot of time with me but now he’s found other priorities. Also, he uses that blackberry thing to read blogs A LOT and I don’t want to be rude, but I sure would like to bash that thing into a million little pieces with a sledgehammer and then grind it up in the Will It Blend machine and then pack up all the ash into a cigarette and smoke it, and then exhale into a smoke collector that takes the fine dust and make some brownies with the dust and then eat the brownies and then poop it out and then form a football out of the poop and then throw the poop football into the ocean.

  24. Dave2 says:

    So THAT’S why they call them “Crackberries!”

  25. Michelle says:

    You’re looking at it all wrong. Dumbasses on the internet are for our entertainment. They aren’t controlling dangerous machinery, all they’re doing is spouting off at the mouth. It’s funny, especially since they don’t realize what a dumbass they really are.

    So next time laugh at them, feel superior to them, but don’t let them aggravate you. They can’t help what they are. Plus it is much more fun to be entertained by them. Hell you can even make it more fun by messing with them.

  26. Chag says:

    If you make an XP version, I’ve got $20 in seed money with your name on it!

  27. jewelz916 says:

    My check is in the mail….just wait for it, it’ll be there any day now!

  28. Hilly Sue says:

    I want the LOL Cat Warning one…that right there makes my panties wet ;).

  29. Jeff says:

    I’m just laughing at the fact you had to pull up an Ann Coulter web page to grab a screen shot for this post. I hope you cleaned out your URL history immediately!

  30. Tracy says:

    Brilliant. I’m in for the multi-user license. Although the LOLCatz filter would mean I’d miss about half of my mother’s emails…hmmm…

  31. Lewis says:

    So, what’s the month service fee for this DaveGuard? And can it be used ON MY ENTIRE LIFE so as to avoid actual people and situations???

  32. claire says:

    I know I’d want a copy, but I’m concerned the internet bliss that would ensue might make me homicidal when I encountered dumbasses in real life. I’ll risk it.

    Besides if dumbassicide were a side effect of DaveGuard, that would go a long way to solving the problem… You wouldn’t mind if your product became obsolete, would you?

  33. Howard says:

    I can invest a couple of fivers. Otherwise, I’ll just use my fingers to close tabs.

    …that sounds dirty.

  34. delmer says:

    It would be super awesome if DaveGuard would help me lose those last few stubborn pounds too.

    Will you be doing a review of Apple’s World Wide Developer’s Conference. Any thoughts on the new iPhone?

  35. 7aki Fadi says:

    HAHAHAHA. I want one! You should start a Dave Guward fund.

  36. Fella says:

    I find your idea intriguing.

    Am I to assume that there is no cross-platform application in the works? Nothing for Windows, or no posting of code for use with Red Hat, et. al.?

  37. Lisa says:

    You are truly brilliant, sarcastic, but brilliant.

  38. Belinda says:

    Once again, SHEER BRILLIANCE. You are really an underutilized national resource, you know.

  39. Karl says:

    I’m totally in. Sign me up for the beta.

  40. Tracy Lynn says:

    LIARHEAD. Everyone knows you don’t accept PayPal, Dave.

  41. Dave2 says:

    For 6.3 Billion dollars? I will take it any way somebody wants to give it to me!

  42. You can call me, 'Sir' says:

    I’m mailing you a blank check. Do with it as you wish.

  43. Foo says:

    Sweet, free and clear of stupid bitches, add to cart.

  44. nicole says:

    if only i wasn’t short oh 2.4 million euros i would so help you out now i work at apple can dave guard block stupid people calling in?

  45. bluepaintred says:

    oh sure! NOW you take paypal


    also, will there be options to customize , because I love me some LOLcats!

  46. Poppy says:

    You should win an award for this post.

    I give out awards!

    But only once a year, and that happened already.



    Or something.

  47. yellojkt says:

    I thought I made a comment this morning but it seems I’ve been DaveGuarded.

  48. ChillyWilly says:

    O’Reilly and Coulter blocking at any price is worth it.

    Awesome post. And I love the zoom-in graphics, not to mention all of the other details. Obviously, this needs to be a product. When can I download it from Artificial Duck?

    Just make sure it work for both Safari and Firefox.

  49. Scooter says:

    Okay, that was brilliant! I’d buy it!

  50. CP says:

    Oh. I would SO buy that.

  51. Sold. Wish I had venture capital.

  52. Robin says:

    I LOVE the Bill O’Reilly and the Ann Coulter dumb ass blockers….can I just tell you that? 🙂

  53. Sue says:

    I would totally buy this if it were available. But I have a feeling it would also serve to protect me from myself. I’m a BIG dumbass sometimes.

  54. kyle says:

    sign me up. pronto! brilliant. i need this.

  55. Motley says:

    Hey, that’s a great idea! And you can also come up with a DaveGuard for your vehicle! Just think, all those morons on the road? DaveGuard sends out a signal that somehow makes all those vehicles swerve [safely] to the side of the road and shut down until you’re long gone! =D

  56. Dennis says:

    2.4 million in euros is too much! I’ll go up to 1.8 million. That’s my final offer.

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