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Posted on Friday, February 3rd, 2006

Dave!At some point in my childhood past, I had come to the conclusion that I was going to be a doctor.

But then I quickly realized that there is no way I could be a doctor because I didn't have the balls for it.

And when I say "balls" I am not trying to be all metaphorical... I am talking literal "balls". As in my testicles. Because any time I so much as hear somebody talking about blood or injuries or surgery or anything like that... my balls shrivel up and disappear. I think they're allergic to blood and gore or something. In any event, my testicles killed my medical vocation before I even got started. And you can just imagine how traumatizing it is for me to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, or CSI.

But just because I abandoned my otherwise promising career as a doctor, I'm still not out of danger.

For instance, my mother had to call and drop this little bomb on me: "I sliced open my finger and had to go to the doctor to get stitches.


To understand how this simple sentence affects me... let's take a little field trip to Dyersville, Iowa, home of the Field of Dreams movie site. For the sake of this demonstration (and to avoid being tagged as a porn site), the role of my testicles will be played by these two baseballs in a GLAD brand jumbo-sized food storage bag (with the "yellow and blue make green" zipper closure, so you KNOW it's closed!)...

Dave Balls

Once I hear the words "sliced my finger", my baseballs start shivering...

Dave Balls

And once I hear the words "stitches", my GLAD brand jumbo-sized food storage bag starts to shrink in horror, taking my baseballs with it...

Dave Balls

This leaves me with a pair of baseballs the size of marbles...

Dave Balls

Obviously this affliction is a major inconvenience. Doctors have to look at blood and gore all the time, which would traumatize my balls quite badly. So badly that I would worry about them disappearing permanently. And as any guy will tell you (or, if you are a guy, you'd tell yourself) having something happen to your balls is a frightening prospect indeed.

Oh well. This is not the first time that my testicles have made a decision for me.

I'm relatively certain it won't be the last.

Anyway, speaking of balls (you just knew there was going to be a point to all this, didn't you?)...

How big of balls does it take to sell an episode of the TV show Survivor for $1.99... but then have the episode expire after 24 hours? For the answer, let's take a look at what Larry Kramer, President of CBS Digital Media, has hanging...

Big Balls

Yep! Those are some enormously huge balls! They'd have to be huge, considering that the $1.99 episodes you buy from Apple at the iTunes Music Store don't have an idiotic "self-destruct mechanism" that will destroy your purchases the day after you buy them. Once again, clueless people are making stupid decisions that will turn potential customers into criminals. Seriously... who is dumb enough to want to BUY a video that's only good for 24 hours when you can download the Bit Torrent off the internet for FREE that will last forever? The entire point of selling your show legally is to give honest people an alternative to illegal downloading... not ripping them off! Classic.

Congratulations Larry, my hat is off to you and your huge, huge balls!

This entry will self-destruct in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006, Television 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. michaelsean says:

    There is a reason why you are my first stop on my blogroll every day. The size of your balls. I was a bit disturbed to see that they shrunk way into your stomach though.

    ryc: Some of those tits were scary. In a very bad bad way. I am hoping for Female Porn Star Survivor some day. Now THAT I could really enjoy!

  2. Patrick says:

    Everytime a tv-channel has a real-life show involving E.Rs, ambulances and injured people my brain freezes, shuts down and sends a lightning fast nerve signal to my remote control finger to switch channels.
    Most of the time it works – other times my balls curl up to behind my tonsils…

  3. Anthony says:

    Classic entry Dave. 🙂

  4. Nez says:

    I graduated High School with Larry Kramer, but I don’t remember any testicular anomilies. That said, I hated Gym and did everything I could to avoid it.

  5. karla says:

    I now know more about your balls than I’ve ever really wanted to. I feel strangely close to you, now, Dave. You and your miraculous shrinking testicles.

  6. Neil T. says:

    Also, the videos you buy from iTMS will play on a Mac – CBS’s own system is Windows-only. Madness.

  7. D2 says:

    You need to check out Trauma Center for your Nintendo DS. It allows you to operate on virtual patients. Perhaps cartoon blood and stitchery can help you get past this.

  8. Kevin says:

    I read that about Survivor as well and it just blew my mind. I think the RIAA and MPAA and whoever the TV version is should be suing CBS because it is propagating piracy. Like you said, decisions like this one are what is perpetuating the problem instead of remedying it.

  9. logtar says:

    You see, I had a similar predicament… what I could not deal with was having someone’s life in my hands… that is way too much responsability for me.

  10. Naomi says:

    Methinks you have an obsession with enormous balls… I double dog dare you to go a week without mentioning testes.

  11. jube jubes says:

    I second the no-balls dare.
    just for kicks, lets see if Dave can do it.

  12. Jack Yan says:

    I only began blogging regularly last May, and I have to say: Dave, you have balls!

  13. belinda says:

    I just love how your metaphorical balls automatically require the JUMBO size storage bags. No sandwhich bags for MY Dave, no sir!

  14. jenB says:

    it sounds like your balls are perfecto. fabuloust post. both in narrative and lesson. yay!

  15. Gled says:

    I really want to make a balls related pun here but, alas, they’ve all been made for me. So instead I’ll agree with you about CBS’s decision to render their downloads of Survivor inactive after 24 hours. It seems like madness to me, especially at $2 a shot. If they were maybe $0.20 then it would make more sense but for $2 I just can’t understand it.

    Can I recommend Dave that you e-mail CBS and tell them your thoughts? You are much better at phrasing things than I.

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