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Posted on Wednesday, March 7th, 2007

Dave!"Dude! I didn't know you were writing a book! Am I in it?"

Getting a call from Bad Robert is always an adventure because you never know what's going to be on his mind. Was his poop a funny color this morning and he's just dying to tell somebody? Did he discover a new curse word that he needs to try out on a friend? Has his Super Deluxe Girlfriend finally come to her senses, realized that Robert will never change, and moved out? You just never know.

"Oh yes, absolutely you're in it." I said. "Why? Do you not want to be in it?"

"No, that's cool," Robert said almost in a whisper. "Nah, I was just wondering what you're going to say."

This was a bit puzzling to me, as Robert is not the kind of guy to care about stuff like this. Whenever I've asked if he minds being written about in my blog, he's always blown it off as no big deal. But maybe Robert feels being mentioned in a blog is different than appearing in print, and I'm suddenly hesitant to mention that not only is he in the book, but there's an entire chapter devoted to him. I don't get to see Robert very often, but he's had a huge impact on my life. I can't imagine him not appearing in Daveology, because the stories are just too good.

"How about I promise to send you anything I write about you, and you can tell me if I can put it in the book," I say.

"Oh yeah! That would be great!" Robert says, his relief audible.

So last night I emailed him an outline of his chapter, then attached the stuff I had already written. Just in case anybody is interested, I've reprinted the first part of our Las Vegas adventure, where we've just passed through airport security at Seattle and I've headed off to use the restroom...

Completely ignoring the unwritten rule that dictates you should leave an empty urinal between yourself and any guy already peeing (if possible), Robert trotted up to the urinal next to mine and set about his business. This was a bit unnerving, but I was able to cope by amusing myself with the entertainment at hand. But since the only thing in my hand at that moment was my penis, my options were limited. I would have looked around for something else to distract me from this uncomfortable situation, but there was nothing else in my viewing angle except other men and their penises. Since amusing myself with my own penis or watching other guys using theirs is frowned upon in any public restroom outside of Los Angeles, I instead decided to concentrate on my shiny white urinal, noting how its manufacturer, American Standard, became Nacirema Dradnats when spelled backwards. But just as I was thinking how “Nacirema” kind of sounded like “Macarena,” and how I haven’t heard that song in a while, the inevitable happened.
“Holy shit!” Robert exclaimed at full volume. “Dude! There’s a pube on top of the urinal!”
Before leaving on our trip, I had worried about the strange things that seem to happen whenever Robert is around. He’s like a magnet for trouble and weird happenings, and going to a city like Las Vegas with such a person is bound to be somewhat problematic. I had consoled myself by thinking my past experiences of hanging out with Robert would prepare me to deal with any situation that might occur. What I didn’t expect was having to deal with a situation while my dick was hanging out of my trousers.
Mortified beyond my ability to express, I tried to concentrate on more pressing matters and pretend I didn’t know this deranged man peeing next to me. But such efforts are futile when Robert is involved.
“How does a pube get on top of the urinal?” Robert said, transfixed by the errant pubic hair. “Did a 10-foot giant pee here?”
“Uhhhhhhhh...” I stammered uselessly, “I guess so.”
“Well that doesn’t make any sense!” he shouted. “Because wouldn’t a giant have giant pubes? This one is normal sized.”
At this point I was considering whether I should continue to stand there urinating while an entire restroom of guys stared at us, or zipping up and peeing my pants so I could flee. In my mind both options were equally embarrassing.
“Look at it! Just look at it!” Robert cried, his face getting closer and closer to the object of his newfound obsession.
Using all the force I could muster, I managed to expel the remaining contents of my bladder in record time. Unconcerned as to what damage this might have done to my urinary tract, I practically ran to the sink so I could wash up and escape.
“Dude, this is seriously fucked up!” Robert shouted over his shoulder, ignoring the stares of guys desperately trying not to stare in a place where staring can get you in serious trouble. “Where’s your camera?”
Sweat pouring down my forehead, I exited the bathroom with my hands trembling. We were only twenty minutes into a three-day trip and I was already a nervous wreck. With an hour left until we boarded the plane, I quickly began calculating how much alcohol I could consume in the time available. The only way I was going to survive this weekend was if I were drunk or Robert were sedated.

Then this morning I get another call... "Did you read it?" I ask.

"Yeah. Yeah. But where is the time we nearly got beaten up by that trucker at McDonalds? That was pretty funny! You should put that in there too. Oh! And what about my cat? How come my cat isn't in the book? Oooh! Don't forget about the Skittles! You've got to tell the time about the Skittles!"

So I guess Robert doesn't have a problem being in the book. It would seem his only problem is that the book isn't entirely about him.

Categories: Books, DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. Avitable says:

    Sounds like you could write a book entirely about him. I could do the same with my friend Eric (who also calls to tell me if there’s something interesting with his poop).

  2. Dave2 says:

    I dunno. A little Robert goes a long way. 🙂

  3. Diesel says:

    That was freaking hilarious.

  4. walt says:

    Release forms, Dave, don’t forget to get signed release forms. Friend’s are friends, business is business, and a book about friends is your business in possible jeopardy.

    Best wishes

  5. kapgar says:

    Volume 2: Robertology, perhaps?

  6. Tracie says:

    I like the idea of Robertology!

  7. Laurence says:

    Great experience !!! 😀
    I love your last sentence ! 🙂

  8. ms. sizzle says:

    if that bit is any indication, your book is going to be a huge hit (duh!). i am still laughing as i type this.

  9. Bre says:

    My mother constantly tells me that “everyone believes they’re a superstar”… I suppose Robert really truly lives it!

  10. MR. RICKEY says:

    BWAHAHAHAHA, I spit my Ricola LemonMint out, and those are $0.09/mint… that’s ridiculous for a cough drop, dang Swiss and they’re good cough drops… anyway, I don’t know that a book entirely about Bad Robert is out of the question, I am peeling a LemonMint out of the carpet in front of my desk.

    Also, good point, releases, someone will inevitably sue or want to sue you because of something. I cannot wait for the book to be in my hands.

  11. Katharine says:

    I just realized that in most of my friendships, I am Bad Katharine.

    Thanks for shedding that bit of illumination.

  12. Rick says:

    I believe I was at the airport the day this episode went down. That is, if security came running with batons drawn, looking for a ten-foot giant with a tiny penis.

  13. Tracy Lynn says:

    I have the terrible feeling that, among my friends, I AM THE ROBERT.

    Damn funny, though. I almost choked, I laughed so hard.

  14. Bogup says:

    Can you assure those of us who don’t want to be mentioned in your book, that we won’t be mentioned?
    Not that I’m in any way worthy, but just want to know before putting something or anything on blogography that would be considered fodder for the publication.
    Conversely, if someone paid you $$$$ could that someone be assured of a mention even if it is a trivial mention?
    Where do I send the check?

  15. kazza says:

    flipping heck I nearly choked on my toothpaste giggling all the way through that! LOL 🙂

  16. Belinda says:

    The pertinent question is, HOW LONG WERE YOU PEEING? Good grief. Russian racehorse, much?

  17. Dave2 says:

    Diesel… That’s Robert for you!

    Walt… Robert is covered. No worries there. 🙂

    Kapgar… He’d have to write it himself because I don’t have the energy!

    Tracie… I’d even read that book!

    Laurence… Well, it’s hard to go wrong with drunk and sedated!

    Ms. Sizzle… It’s only the tip of the ice burg… 😀

    Bre… He’s actually a really amazingly decent guy. I’m lucky to know him. 🙂

    Mr. Rickey… LemonMint rules! I love those things!

    Katharine… No problem! The doctor is in!

    Rick… Don’t feed Robert’s imagination… it’s full enough as it is! 🙂

    Tracy Lynn… Robert is an incredibly nice guy with a heart the size of a watermelon (and not those freaky tiny watermelons… I’m talking a REAL, FULL-SIZE MELON!) so you could do worse!

    Bogup… Uhhhhh… you mean in comments? If that’s the case, you have nothing to worry about. If I ever did need to use a comment, I would most certainly write and ask first.

    Kazza… Wait a second… you brush your teeth while reading my blog?? That’s pretty impressive multitasking! Were you brushing your hair while you left your comment? 🙂

    Belinda… Take out the exposition, and it wasn’t that long. 🙂 Though, it did take a while to get started when you’ve got a crazy bastard ranting about a pubic hair standing next to you.

  18. kazza says:

    Oh I often wander back to the computer while I’m brushing my teeth.. I get utterly bored just standing in the bathroom 🙂

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