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Posted on Friday, March 3rd, 2006

Dave!There are choices that define you. Choices that let the world know who you are... what you're about. Everything from what you choose to wear to what you choose to drive is analyzed by everybody you meet. Make the wrong choice, and you can give a very wrong impression.

And there is nothing more harshly analyzed than what bank checks you choose.

It used to be that checks were all the same. You opened a checking account and got some kind of blue or green pattern and that was the end of it. There was no choice... your bank had already made it for you. But now things are very different. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of check blanks you can choose from. I don't write checks very often because I use an electronic billing service and a debit card, but every once in a while I need to write one. And I am down to two left, so now it's time to choose.

The checks I loathe most are the cute ones. Puppies and rainbows and all that happy crap. When I am writing a check, I am generally not happy. And I don't want the people to whom I am giving the check to be happy either. Kittens are the worst. Nothing more horrible than a cute kitten on a check. Unless it's a kitten cartoon...

Kitty Checks

Or maybe babies dressed up as angels is the worst, I can't decide...

Baby Angel Checks

So then I start looking for things I dislike. Things that make me very unhappy. And right at the top of the list is country music. I loathe country music with a passion usually reserved for child molesters and Ann Coulter. And there are plenty of country music checks to choose from. Like Kenny Chesney, for example. A design like this is guaranteed to piss me off whenever it came time to write a check...

Kenny Chesney Checks

But that's pretty gay. Okay, it's a LOT gay. And with my gayness rating hovering at 20%, I cannot afford to add the kind of gay points that Kenny Chesney checks would give me. I need something more butch...

Pin-Up Checks

But that's kind of lame, because checks with chicks just look like you're compensating for something... they say "I am so not butch that I give you this sexy chick in the hopes that it will fool you into thinking that I am a total stud". So instead, I thought I'd head in another direction and look for something totally macho. Something that would make that babe at the checkout counter totally "get" me. Something that shows I am a bad-ass that doesn't take any crap and knows how to handle a woman. Something like these policeman checks...

Police Checks

But passing out checks with guns to people is a little scary now-a-days. I don't even know if airport security would let me on a plane carrying something like that. So maybe there is a more heroic choice? Something that screams "I am the very definition of masculinity and manly vigor". Something like these firefighter checks...

Firefighter Checks

Except the only thing more lame than checks with chicks has got to be trying to explain why you are carrying firefighter checks when you're not a firefighter.

So then I go looking through sports checks... cartoon character checks... patriotic checks... designer pattern checks... check after check after check. And nothing even remotely says "THIS IS ME!"

Until I found these totally awesome Rob Zombie checks...

Rob Zombie Checks

Rob Zombie Checks

That aught to scare the crap out of the little old lady at the rental storage company!

Now go find your own check bliss.

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Patti says:

    Wonder what daycare would think if I paid them with those Rob Zombie checks. Would they call CPS or think “wow, that’s a cool Mom”??? I’m thinking it could go either way.

    Get a check with a motorcyle on it….or an image of that warning you got awhile back from the YELLER! hehe

  2. Anonymous says:

    I like the little sales pitch captions they put above the checks. In Rob Zombie’s case it says,

    “Lead vocalist and songwriter of industrial-influenced heavy metal, Rob Zombie has reached cult status for his unique ghoulish look and sound.”

    That pretty much describes you Dave:
    – reached cult status
    – unique goulish look

  3. Jeff says:

    Sorry, forgot to sign that one. Hello!

  4. adena says:


    Rob Zombie checks! Perfect!! Too bad they don’t have his drawings all over them. It’d be fun to hand a cashier a check w/ dead bodies all over it.

    I like the Tolkein ones…those are different. I just have normal “free bank” checks….with some vaugely Celtishy flower things on them.

    Um, but in perusing, I noticed “Vegas” checks. What’s the point of THAT?? I mean, it’s a total slap in the face.
    “Hey, I COULD be in Vegas, but instead I’m paying you guys this ridiculous amount for my power bill….bastards.”

  5. rach says:

    did you see the thing on the side about turning your favorite pictures into checks?

    you can take all of those screen caps of liz & turn ’em into a checkbooks full o’ love.

  6. lizriz says:


    This post so totally reminded me of the George Carlin routine about license plates.

    You should so totally get those chick checks; they’re a total piss.

    I so totally need to stop saying so totally.



  7. Nicole says:

    What I find amazing is the amount of money people PAY on pieces of paper that are designed simply to deplete your finances even more. It’s the ultimate example of consumerism.

    What is the world coming to?

    (Of course I’m sporting “Arte de Mexico” checks in my wallet featuring the artwork of Frieda Kahlo and Diego Rivera. If your checks feature artwork it should be considered an investment instead, right?)

  8. Naomi says:

    I’m such a nerd–I’ve always been partial to the Blue Safety checks. Plain. Blue.

    Although, when I’m feeling a little exciting–nay: daring, I go for the Safety Trio–not just blue, but three different colors…

    I may be a nerd but it beats the [insert bible phrase here] checks any day.

  9. belinda says:

    I dunno, Nicole–my idea of runaway (and stupid) consumerism is the way so many Americans PAY for the privelege of advertising a product FOR the company they bought it FROM. This drives me nuts! Anytime I see one of those pricey Coach (and I love Coach, but no “signature” bags, please) or D&B or Louis Vitton bags with the LOGO ALL OVER IT, I just die a little inside.

    This theory does not, of course, apply to Bad Monkey t-shirts, which I intend to send a message about who I am, and to support Bad Monkeys.

    Oh, and Dave–whatever checks you get, just get them as “Dana Michaels.” Apparently you can’t go wrong, and you can live in Anytown!

  10. sandra says:

    Thanks for giving me something to suck WAY too much of my time, Dave…

  11. Cavan says:

    I’ve got the Ottawa Senators logo on my checks. So that, you know, people will think I’m manly enough to be into sports.

  12. Kevin says:

    Rob Zombie and Kenny Chesney? That’s a joke, right? You did those up in Illustrator, didn’t you?

  13. Kathleen says:

    hmm. I just use the ones the bank gives me for free. I am boring. I am “standard bank check girl.”

  14. Bre says:

    Hahaha – my father has the firefighter checks… but then he’s a firefighter, so I guess it makes more sense for him to have them! Every time we’re out and he writes a check it leads to a loooooong conversation. Rob Zombie checks may be scary, but plain blue ones are less of a conversation piece… and sometimes that’s a really good thing!

  15. Ben says:

    I think I’d want something with that implied if you even thought about doing any funny business with me or my cheques the secret service would bash down your door.

  16. Karla May says:

    These aren’t real, right? I mean, if they are, I’m going to have to kill myself. Now. Because I cannot live in a world where a market for these actually exists.

    I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.


  17. Peggy Archer says:

    Oh. My . God.

    I thought you’d made up Kenny Chesney checks.

    That’s just wrong. So much wronger than the kitten cartoon, but somehow not as wrong as the disturbing-looking winged baby.

  18. Jen says:

    Ok now that was just uncalled for…. I understand that you don’t like country music and all but when you say crap like that about Kenny you have gone WAY to far…..whether in a joking manner or serious it does not matter. Kenny is a good person and for assholes like you to say stuff like that, it makes you the GAY one.
    I have the Kenny Chesney Checks and people seem to like them.

  19. Dave2 says:

    Uhhh… did you even READ my entry? Or did you just look at one small part of it and decide to attack?

    I was absolutely NOT making fun of Kenny Chesney (though I do find it funny that ANYBODY would want their picture on check blanks!)… one of my friends is a huge fan and has met him personally, so I would never do that (and yes, she has Kenny Chesney checks). This entry was about ME buying new checks. ME!!! So of course when I say that having Kenny Chesney checks would add to MY gay points, it has nothing to do with Kenny Chesney, or ANYBODY ELSE who would buy his checks. It has to do with the fact that most guys would not want pictures of another guy on their checks!

    I appreciate the fact that you are a Kenny Chesney fan, but calling me an “asshole” because I think MY buying Kenny checks is “gay” FOR ME is what’s really uncalled for. Do you often read things other people write about themselves and think it’s an attack against you?

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