I've made no secret of my utter loathing of the "Snyderverse" series of films based on DC Comics characters. It was a dark, bored, joyless slog. Man of Steel was a horrifically bad take on Superman, which was a bitter pill to swallow given how much I loved Henry Cavill for the role. Then we moved on to Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice which somehow ended up being even worse. There was a brief reprieve with the exceptional Wonder Woman flick, but then we got Justice League which is one of my most hated movies of all time.

And that was that. Other than a cameo in the atrocious Black Adam and a kinda-cameo in the even more atrocious Shazam!, Superman was done.

Until now.

As I said yesterday, I liked the movie quite a lot. I watched it again yesterday so I could write up a running commentary while my first reactions were fresh in my head.

If you're on the fence about watching the film, here's a look at one of the best comic book fight scenes you'll see on the silver screen...

Needless to say, I'll be spoiling the movie completely...

• The opening exposition was done in a way that sets anticipation for the film, which is a pleasant surprise from how we usually get a full book of information that has you bored before the movie even begins.
• This Krypto is a bit of a troublemaker and scamp, just like the earlier comics. It's a lot more fun and interesting than the later, super-smart canine which was more like a person in a dog suit than an actual dog.
• This Fortress of Solitude is a fantastic take on the crystal structure from the 1979 Superman movie. It's so strange that The Fortress in the comic book source material is so radically different, and yet the movie version is what I always think of.
• The Superman robots! Straight out of the comic book era I love! And of course we're getting Alan Tudyk voicing Number Four.
• Bradley Cooper as Jor-El is pretty fantastic.
• In the comic books, The Engineer is a shiny metal hero. Here she's a human-looking regular person. I think this is probably a good call, because we don't have a CGI-based character walking around all the time. And yet... I can't help but feel she's a downgrade here.
• Krypto being Krypto is going to steal every scene in this movie. I can feel it. Lovable mutt.
• It's been criticized online, but I actually like the flying effect they've given Superman. The perspective makes him feel faster.
• I was highly dubious about casting Nicholas Hoult as Lex Luthor. But dang does he own the role from his first minute on-screen. Such a vast, vast improvement over the inexplicably stupid take that Zach Snyder had with Jesse Eisenberg.
• The fact that super-villains never seem to lack the ability to get a never-ending supply of evil henchmen has always been strange in the comics. And here we are. These psychos working for Luthor are nicely comic book accurate.
• The design of The Daily Planet building is awesome.
• The true test of a good Superman actor is how they play Clark Kent. David Corenswet may be my favorite since Christopher Reeve.
• Amazing. The casting for Ma and Pa Kent is flawless. They feel like they actually could be Kansas farmers.
• In the new DCU, Lex created The Engineer? Odd choice. I'm guessing it's to play up how smart he is, so... okay.
• "Planetwatch?" So we're a stepping stone away from getting Stormwatch then?
• I rather like that James Gunn didn't waste time with your typical Lois Lane subplot where she's trying to figure out Superman's secret identity. Done to death.
• Rachel Brosnahan has a modern interpretation of Lois that completely nails the character.
• This "interview," while probably important to define the complex world in which Superman exists, is dragging on in an uninteresting way.
• That being said. This is a real showcase as to why the actors playing Clark and Lois were cast.
• It seems weird as to why Superman would announce he's an alien to the world. Don't his god-like powers make him far enough removed from humanity? Seems this could have been better handled if Lex discovered he was an alien and used it against him.
• Valerie Perrine as Miss Teschmacher in the 1978 movie was a delight. This one is coming across as grating.
• Well. This is brutal. Poor Superman Robots.
• How does The Engineer know this is his parents?
• You can tell that this is not the Real World because in this reality these meta-human battles are so normalized that people are recording them instead of running away.
• Nice callbacks to the incredible John Williams original score keep popping up, but the music itself is fresh.
• "Justice Gang"... okay. I can only guess that eventually this will morph into the Justice League. Very smart of Gunn to not use "Justice League" right away given what a shit-show the last movie was.
• I like the way that they decided to make Green Lantern's energy constructs a bit more grounded. Not wildly glowing but more like glass or something.
• Awwww. Poor kaiju. That's awful. It's like... why kill him?
• Guy Gardner is perfectly captured by Nathan Fillion. Painfully comic book accurate. Except his hair is more blonde than orange-red, and I'm not sure why.
• Oof. Jor-El and Lara are not such good people in this universe.
• Pretty stupid that people immediately turn against Superman when they were just cheering him a minute ago? For all they know, this is AI fakery.
• Stagg Industries! Metamorpho Easter egg!
• "There's no way this message in unauthentic." Well, there you have it. WTF?
• The President of Boravia is suitably creepy. And... oh boy... working with Lex Luthor to boot.
• If the Fortress is keyed to Superman's DNA, I guess that means UltraMan is a clone?
• Hoult is flawless as Lex. Flawless. He's a bad, bad man.
• Peacemaker! Sweet cross-promotion!
• James Gunn having this scene between Lois and Clark taking place in front of a window where the Justice Gang are battling a "space imp" is genius. Just keeps driving home how weird a world with actual super-heroes would be.
• Okay... Superman's concern for Krypto is darn touching.
• The CGI in this movie is pretty impressive.
• Metamorpho is... bad?!? The Engineer I could forgive, but this?!? And how does he know the molecular structure of Kryptonite? Has it landed on earth? Does Luthor have access? If he does, why does he need Metamorpho. These are some bizarre choices.
• Wow. James Gunn has gone full-on comic book with this pocket universe /slash/ outrage farm monkeys /slash/ Krypto containment idea.
• Yikes. Miss Teschmacher is not just annoying, she's bonkers.
• And I am absolutely not a fan with this whole Jimmy Olson, ladies man, take on the character. It just keeps getting worse.
• So Metamorpho isn't bad, he's being forced to be bad? Except he's still being more bad than he really has to be with torturing Superman like this.
• Hypno-glasses. Perfect.
• God. How cool is Mr. Terrific? Edi Gathegi is getting the redemption of all redemptions from the shitty way his character Darwin was treated in X-Men: First Class. Incredible how flawlessly he's been translated to the screen.
• Good Lord. Killing the falafel vendor was a dark, dark turn of events. Seems so unnecessary.
• Ummm. These prisoners have no privacy to use the toilet?!? Sadistic.
• Alrighty then. Mr. Terrific just completely stole the entire movie with this fight scene. The way he gives zero shits about all these bad guys hanging around... treating them like they're not even there... is beyond cool. And having one of them say "It's just the smart one." right before he completely wrecks everybody is brilliant. Lois's reaction to what's happening is all of us.
• Of course the music choices are on-point. It's all James Gunn.
• Yeah. When Krypto can even manage to upstage Mr. Terrific, you know you've struck gold.
• Krypto looks wonderfully fluid when flying. He should look ridiculous, but he just doesn't.
• "The controls are easy and intuitive." They'd pretty much have to be if Lois is going to have to fly it.
• Oh Krypto. Don't ever change.
• Yep. Yep. Yep. The casting of Clark's human parents is genius.
• An otherwise near-perfect film is really close to getting sabotaged by this whole Jimmy Olson situation. That's a shame.
• GAH! Krypto is so adorable right now!
• AND NOW AGAIN!
• How James Gunn is able to transition from balls-out action and weirdness to scenes so remarkably human like this one between Clark and Pa Kent is what makes him such a great fit for comic book movies. It's a rare talent.
• Yeah, the parallels between what's happening in the Real World and the fictional situation in this movie are not lost at all.
• When you have meta-human battles and comic book weirdness going on in your reality, city-wide evacuation is probably a normal happening.
• Beck Bennett as Steve Lombard is great casting. If not for Jimmy Olson, I'd almost like to see a The Daily Planet limited series. UPDATE: Annnd... I'm told that the rumor is there's a Jimmy Olson limited series in the works?!? WTF?
• Okay, the CGI fight here is not so great.
• Yeah. Few people could have pulled off this look of sheer evil the way Nicholas Hoult managed to do it. Worth the money to cast him, I'm sure.
• Ultraman is a Superman clone. I prefer this to my first assumption... which was that he'd end being Bizarro.
• The little kid clinging to his Superman flag is just oddly manipulative at this point.
• Yeah. This is peak Guy Gardner right here. Love it. How they managed to get this movie rated PG-13 between the head-shot to the falafel cart vendor and these middle-finger Green Lantern constructs is kinda a mystery to me.
• A lot of Snyder fanboys made a huge deal over Hawkgirl's unhinged screaming. I, on the other hand, think it's darn smart. Especially if this is the version of the character that's from Thanagar. Making her a frickin' alien for heaven's sake. Of course she's going to have weird, alien things about her.
• "I'm not like Superman." That's for sure. I can't help but think that if asshole world leaders were regularly dropped from the sky when they do evil shit, we'd have less evil shit going on in the world.
• Yeah. This is totally Krypto's movie, and I'm not the least bit mad about it.
• Goddamn Mr. Terrific is going to save the day.
• And... James Gunn totally has a bead on the character here.
• Krypton beating the ever-loving-shit out Luthor is in my top-five scenes in the entire film. Good boy.
• Aw, James Gunn cast his brother as Maxwell Lord. Classic.
• Welp. If Lex didn't hate Superman enough... he sure does now. And he's off to visit Amanda Waller at Belle Reve. How nice.
• WELL OKAY THEN! Since Krypto is Supergirl's dog, that means he'll be in the Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow movie. Now I'm doubly looking forward to it.
• Yep. Gunn found the perfect ending to the movie. Yes he did.
• So... if Krypto left with Supergirl, this mid-credit scene of Superman and Krypto on the moon must just be for fun. Cute.
• The post-credits scene isn't much, but it does allow us to see Mr. Terrific one last time. No complaining about that.
• Boy. That two hours just blows by. Even the second time around.

And now we wait for June 26, 2026.

Still recovering from a trip to the coast and back yesterday, but that's no excuse... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Super, Man! I loved pretty much every frame of Superman. Thank you, James Gunn for giving us a fantastic spectacle of a comic book movie that has me excited for new DC films. The one thing I don't get is how he could get everything so right with all the characters and the story... but saddle us with one of the most insanely weird takes on Jimmy Olson I've ever seen. I guess no movie is perfect... but damn. So close. And is it wrong that the reason I'm most looking forward to the Supergirl film is to see more Krypto?

And, oh yeah, I will be *very* upset if we don't get a Mr. Terrific series on HBO or HBO Max or whatever. NOT "The Terrifics"... I'm so done with "Team Arrow" and "Team Flash" and "Team Supergirl" and "Team Whatever" series... just Mr. Terrific. Maybe with an occasional guest star. But anyway... I'll put up a post with my full comments when I've had a chance to watch it again.

   
• Have it Our Way! Remember when Burger King actually let you "have it your way" instead of just saying you can "have it your way" but not really? BECAUSE MY WAY IS WITH EXTRA MAYO... AND YOUR NEW APP DOESN'T ALLOW THAT. You either get "regular" or nothing...

And notice how you can't see the ingredient you're altering. I can only guess that some bean-counting dumbass at corporate thinks that not allowing somebody to put an extra 2¢ worth of mayo on their fucking $8.19 Impossible Whopper is a good financial move. Well, it's making me not want to eat at your restaurant any more, so congratulations. I wonder if this dipshit is the same one in charge at Chipotle who thought raising prices and lowering portions at the same time would make their customers happy? What's so fucking stupid here is that I just asked for two packets of free mayo so I could add it to my burger myself, which most certainly costs more than just adding it from the giant mayo bucket. And speaking of this new app... did anybody at BK beta test it? I am assuming this third option is Coke Zero because the one before it is Diet Coke and there's 0 calories in it... but who the fuck knows?

There's absolutely no way to confirm it. And so I had to order for pick-up instead of drive-thru because I knew they'd hand me a cup and I could fill it with the correct Coke myself. Good Lord. Pathetic. This is the whole Sonos app disaster all over. Do these fucking companies ever learn?

   
• Via Variety: PETA Urges Nintendo to Remove ‘Mario Kart World’ Cow’s Nose Ring: ‘It’s-a Mean!’ To think there was a time I actually supported the dumbasses at PETA. What a fucking joke.With each new idiotic act, they make me want to go out and buy a steak...

And since I'm a vegetarian, that tells you about all you need to know.

   
• Pop Quiz, Hotshot! Take a guess...

And now I want Taco Bell. Which is about the only fast food restaurant left to me after this stupid Burger King fiasco.

   
• Via People: Plus Size Park Hoppers' Say Brutal Backlash Over Their Experiences at Disney Theme Parks Won't Stop Them. What is it with people? Just leave them alone. One of the more difficult things I witnessed at a Disney Parks was a couple who stood in line for over an hour to ride the Seven Dwarves Mine Car Ride. But when they got to the front of the line, the woman couldn't fit in the car. She asked if they could ride-swap so she could ride in a row by herself then her boyfriend could ride the next time, but they wouldn't let her because of the way the seats are built. — First of all, you'd think that Disney would have one row in just one car that is built for a larger person. And second of all, if the woman could have only visited a website which would have told her if she could fit, then she wouldn't have wasted an hour of her life for nothing and have to leave embarrassed and upset. — You'd think that assholes who make fun of these ladies or insult them would instead support them sharing this information, because you just know that they're in line complaining because they have to wait for larger people who are trying to see if they fit into the ride car.

   
• More Lies! As if we needed yet another video to point out how full of crap Ben Shapiro is. But here you go...

What a lying little shit stain. I have to wonder if he has ever been anything except disingenuous with his audience. This take-down is beautifully done. Elegantly pointing out that all Shapiro does... all he ever does... is lie.

   
• Via PBS: South Carolina lawmaker in jail on child sex abuse material charges resigns from office. Damn. These drag quee— WHAT? Yet ANOTHER anti-LGBTQ Republican asshole caught assaulting children? You know what... I'm beginning to think that drag queens aren't quite the threat that anti-LGBTQ Republicans say they are! They're just a convenient scapegoat!

   
And there you have it. I'm all out of bullets this fine Sunday.

I know that there's probably (maybe) at least one person out there who's devastated that I promised a deeper look into the new Apple OS 26s that got released, but I'm still not... there... yet. I keep running into weirdness that I need to look into further so I know if it's not user error... or it's not a bug from a developer release that's not Apple's intent.

Something which sounds easier than it usually is for whatever reason.

So, hopefully tomorrow I'll be back on track. In the meanwhile? The latest Superman trailer is here. And probably the last pre-release trailer we're getting...

And now for my live-watch reaction...

• I honestly thought we would get a break from full-scale disaster porn after Zack Snyder's crap-fest. Boy am I sad to be wrong. This is James Gunn via Michael Bay, and how depressing is that? Not that I'm here to dig on Michael Bay... I'm just saying that I was really hoping for something different this time out.
• I like that Lex Luthor is truly menacing instead of just being some weird, dopey comic book villain (something I hated about the way Zack Snyder and Jesse Eisenberg made him be in Man of Steel).
• I am dying to see what approach that Gunn took with Ultraman. There's dozens of ways that it could go, and I'm hoping he picked the most interesting direction.
• Once again, Krypto is stealing the trailer. He will likely steal the movie as well. I'm okay with that. Because DANG is he looking like a fun take!
• And... back to disaster porn. Again. =sigh=
• Zack Snyder thought he had cracked the way to make heroes work for the big screen. He made them into gods. But not in a fun or interesting way. Which made it all the more inexplicable when they acted so damn stupid all the time. Gunn gets it. You don't make them gods by their actions. That's boring. You make them gods by the utter casualness that comes from their actions, but add elements that still make them relatable to non-comic-book-fan audiences. It's working very well in this trailer for Gunn.
• The Superman/Ultraman fight has a rough CGI look that's pretty bad. Woof.
• Blergh. I hope we get a very good reason as to why Lois Lane can fly a spaceship. Because this scene is cringe. So very cringe.
• Cannot possibly enunciate how happy I am that not only is Mr. Terrific in this movie... but Gunn very clearly wanted to be sure he comes off as cool as he does in the comic books. Nice.
• There has been more than a little bit of complaining from people as to how... weird... Superman looks with their weird angles as he's flying. I didn't see it before. I am definitely seeing it this time. There's a weird distortion effect applied for some reason. Maybe to show speed? Upsetting.
• Thank GOD the age of dour, depressing, and overly-serious comic book films are (seemingly) on the way out at DC. It has been too long since Superman was portrayed as the beacon of joy and hope that he is supposed to be.

And, as if this new trailer wasn't enough, more Spaceballs too?!?

Reports are saying that not only is Bill Pullman back as Lone Star and Mel Brooks is back as Yogurt, but Rick Moranis is back as Dark Helmet?!?? How sweet is that? The guy obviously realizes how much people love him in that role, and it convinced him to come out of retirement for another run...

Sadly, we know that Barf (John Candy) and Dot Matrix (Joan Rivers) can't make a return... but it's nice that they seem to be doing what they can to get as many actors back as possible.

And then... Bill Pullman's son, Lewis Pullman, is also on board to boot, which is very cool.

I was beginning to think this would never happen. I'm glad it is, because the original was just too dang entertaining to let the franchise lay dormant.

Trying to think of the last time I was excited to see a DC Comics movie.

I'm just putting it out there... After seeing the extended First look trailer for Superman, I want Krypto everything. Krypto plushies. Krypto toys. Krypto stickers. Krypto apparel. ALL THE KRYPTO MERCH!

James Gunn sure knows how to deliver what people want to see. Krypto acts and feels like a dog. A super dog, but a dog...

Congrats DC and Warner Bros. for convincing me that I need to go to a theater to see this amazing-looking film.

Something I won't see in a theater but do want to see is the reboot for The Naked Gun...

There is no replacing Leslie Nielsen. I'm glad they didn't try, but instead had Liam Neeson play his son. And it looks like he is 100% fearless in the role, which is what has to happen. The trailer looks hilarious, for which I'm grateful. You shouldn't do a reboot/revival unless you can do it as well or better.

Today is my mom's birthday. Between this and Mother's Day, it's the worst two days of the year for me. Thankfully, my cats were being entitled little shits this morning, so I was well-distracted from thinking about what crap it is that mom would have turned 80 years old today had she not passed six years ago.

Something else that helped distract me from reality? The teaser trailer for Superman dropped today!

I just want the comic books.

I don't want some crappy dark "interpretation" of Superman. I just want comic book Superman on the big screen. There's so much amazing material to draw from. Take the best bits from all of the iterations. Give us All-Star Superman in an amazing story with plenty of action and some heart.

That's it. That's all I need.

All the comic-bookey stuff that makes the character so great is what the movie should be about. Like the first two Richard Donner Superman films managed to do.

But at this point with the mess that the "Snyderverse" became, I don't even care about the story so much as being able to geek out over having a movie that honors the source material and has cool stuff from the comics. But since it's James Gunn, I know we're getting both cool comic book stuff and a good story. I mean, he took frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy and made it compelling to all audiences! I have confidence he'll do the same with Superman.

I mean... just LOOK at what we're getting! Guy Gardner (complete with his horrible haircut)! Mr. Terrific! Hawkgirl! AND KRYPTO!?! ZOMG! That's just beyond my expectations...

Copyright ©2024 DC Comics / Warner Bros.

Copyright ©2024 DC Comics / Warner Bros.

Copyright ©2024 DC Comics / Warner Bros.

It's frickin' Krypto! He's got the cape and everything? Isn't that just the absolute best?

And is that Metamorpho in there too? Plus amazing action and a Lex Luthor that actually looks menacing? THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED! No joke... the first three times I watched the trailer it was pretty hard to hold it together.

This is looking like the best Superman movie since Superman II from 1981. NINETEEN EIGHTY-ONE! Everything that followed was pretty much crap... including Bryan Singer's Superman Returns (with the exception of that ONE SCENE with Martha Kent waiting outside the hospital to find out if her son is dead in a crowd of people like she's nobody)... and most definitely the Zack Snyder crap which was gut-wrenchingly awful (and that really hurt because Henry Cavill was an amazing choice).

Bring on the Justice League! The REAL Justice League!

Okay... okay...

James Gunn is out here teasing us with this epic shot promoting the upcoming Superman movie. It's just so... brilliant. Just another mundane day for Superman having to go save the world! I haven't been this excited about a DC movie in over a decade...

Seriously. The last DC movies that were worth a shit was Wonder Woman in 2017 and The Suicide Squad in 2021. I wasn't looking forward to Wonder Woman because I thought it was an extension of the shitty, dark, joyless shit that Zack Snyder had been crapping out of his ass. It took me completely by surprise when it actually ended up being a decent flick.

Here's hoping.

I may be really, really tied of Winter right now, but I'm happy to hold out for Spring... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Boys! I'm just going to start this out with the best thing I've seen all week... and it's why I love TikTok reason #2371 — John Stamos showing Beach Boy Mike Love a young band playing a beautiful rendition of Wouldn’t It Be Nice, a song he co-wrote...

How unbelievably awesome is this?

   
• Plus! In advance of "CBS All Access" transforming to " Paramount+" there's an awesome deal where you can get a year of commercial-free streaming for half-price (just select an annual plan and use PARAMOUNTPLUS in the coupon code box at check-out). 90% of network shows I watch are on CBS and I love avoiding commercials, so this was an offer I can't refuse. LOVING IT. I love, love, love Queen Latifah at The Equalizer, and revisiting Young Sheldon has been fun. Of course there's also Magnum P.I., one of the best shows on television. Some older shows are not streaming properly yet (I'm guessing that will be fixed after the transition come March 4th) but new shows are working fine. I wanted to try out Clarice but Siri keeps typing "Clarisse" so I had to hand-type it into AppleTV manually... WHY, LORD? WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE THIS HARD? — On the other hand, I am liking Clarice very much. How does CBS do it? Other networks just don't have the track record for great television like this! If you love TV, then check out this amazing 50% off deal before it disappears on March 3rd!

   
• YAS QWEEN! I get irrationally invested in the lives of people on TikTok. This guy hasn’t updated in two days and I’m probably going to lose sleep wondering if he got the job...

He has exactly two videos posted. This one was enough to get me totally invested. I guess that's what happens when the pandemic hasn't left you with much of a life of your own to live? Best of luck to you, sir, in finding a new job.

   
• Super New! Ta-Nehisi Coates writing a Superman movie? YES PLEASE! I mean, how many damn times are we going to have to sit through the same old Superman movie? Christopher Reeve, Brandon Routh, and Henry Cavill all did great jobs, but I'm ready for something truly different. Like maybe Calvin Ellis Superman?!?

Though I wouldn't be mad if Henry Cavill was given another go. He's actually a great Superman, and it's not his fault that he's had to work from shitty, SHITTY scripts. In any event, I am definitely excited at what might come of this.

   
• EcoBullshit! This video is absolutely fascinating. A lot to unpack when it comes to the "green" direction that the smartphone market is heading... fortunately Arun Maini has done the work for you, and it's well worth a watch...

The hypocrisy of it all is mind-boggling... but oh so expected.

   
• Retail Therapy! Well darn. Fry's Electronics had some of the coolest retail stores outside of Disney, and they just shuttered all their stores. They were destination-worthy places, and I traveled to several in California when they were at the height of their popularity. From the NASA-themed store in Anaheim and Egypt-themed store in Campbell... to Alice in Wonderland-themed in Woodland Hills and Old-Timey Sci-Fi-themed in Burbank, Fry's sure made shopping fun! Brick-and-mortar shops were having a tough time staying afloat before the pandemic... I have a feeling that because of COVID this is the fate for many of them.

   
• Without Telling Me... I don't know why I find this so incredibly sweet... but I really do...

And for anybody thinking that she's being an asshole... it's a joke. And he was obviously in on it...

   
And that's a wrap on bullets, Sparky... bring on Springtime weather.

I've never been a "Superman guy."

Not that I didn't like the character... on the contrary, I own hundreds and hundreds of Superman comic books. My problem is that Superman, as a character, never made much sense to me. And I never really knew why. I always assumed that it was because I was more of a "Batman guy," having put more stock into the idea that a rich guy wanting to fight crime to avenge his parents made more sense than an alien with god-like powers wanting to be a newspaper reporter.

Then I saw Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill...

   
And there it was...

"Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race."

It wasn't that Superman wanted to be a newspaper reporter... it was that Superman wanted to be human at all. The excuse has always been that he slums with humans as a way to not lose touch with the humanity he found while being raised by the Kents. That's all well and good... but it still doesn't make much sense. He's an adult man. If he's still worried about losing his humanity by now, he might as well give up. "Fake it until you make it" may be a valid course of action for a job... but for being human?

And considering he can toss planets around with his bare hands, how human could he ever really be? I don't get it.

But apparently a lot of people do, because Superman is in a comic book that just hit 1000 issues...

   
The best Superman stories are always those which come up with a way of finding something new while maintaining the continuity which came before. The best of the best being Alan Moore's For the Man Who Has Everything and Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow? and Grant Morrison's All-Star Superman. There have been others I've enjoyed, but they usually involve some kind of smart take on why Superman is the way he is... not stories that come up with somebody bigger and stronger to pound on Superman for a few issues.

And don't get me started on the current cinematic take on Superman with Man of Steel, Batman vs. Superman, and Justice League, which just plain suck because they are exactly what make a bad Superman story.

But anyway... back to Action Comics #1000...

I haven't been following the character since George Pérez jumped ship after the New 52 reboot years ago. I am aware that there was yet another reboot called "Rebirth" last year, but I haven't read any of it. So you can imagine my surprise when I find that Superman is married to Lois Lane and has a son named Jon that is Superboy. Not that this really affects what's happening in Action Comics #1000, but it's still something that permeates the issue.

The bulk of the issue is a love-letter to Superman by a chunk of very talented writers and artists and it's mostly wonderful. Many of the things you would hope to find in a landmark issue like this are there. And then there's the money-story... Brian Michael Bendis starting his run on the character with artwork by Jim Lee!

And what we get is... meh.

Because here we go again, somebody bigger and stronger to pound on Superman for a few issues. There's a twist, of course, but its one that's of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. In general, I like the stuff that Bendis does, but I'll not be tuning in for this. I'm just not a big enough Superman fan to get involved... especially when DC is probably going to reboot the Rebirth reboot to the New 52 reboot to the Flashpoint reboot to the Infinite Crisis reboot to the Zero Hour reboot to the Crisis on Infinite Earths reboot.

Maybe I'll have a change of heart in the reboot after that. You never know.

I am so far beyond giving a shit about Zack Snyder's shitty DC Comics super-hero movies that I honestly don't know if I'll even bother seeing Justice League in theaters.

I mean, just look at this bullshit trailer...

Some observations...

• Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. And more dark. Jesus, what an awful-looking downer of a movie. The occasional attempts at humor are completely wasted when the atmosphere is nothing but bleak, dire, and depressing.
• Cyborg and The Flash look like total and complete shit. Whomever designed their fucking horrifically bad costumes should just give it up. Aquaman is equally incomprehensible, but at least he doesn't look defective.
• In an obvious attempt at playing off the tremendous success of Wonder Woman, they lead off with her... but she's fighting a small group of regular human bad guys? Pathetic. FUCKING PATHETIC!!! We've seen this stupid shit over and over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!! IT'S NOT FUN! IT'S NOT INTERESTING! IT'S JUST BORING AND SAD. WHAT THE FUCK?!???
• And OH MY GAWD... ENOUGH WITH THE SECRET IDENTITY CRAP! I am so very, very thankful that Marvel gave up on this silly bullshit. They use it when it makes sense (ala Spider-Man, who is ultimately just a kid with a regular life to hang onto) but everywhere that it is just a tired distraction, they've not bothered to bore us with it. But DC? No. We've still got Bruce Wayne crap to bore us. Still got Clark Kent crap to REALLY bore us. And now they've decided to saddle Wonder Woman with Diana Prince working as a fucking museum cleaning lady? WHO GIVES A FUCKING SHIT?!? Seriously... does Zack Snyder EVER take a minute to look at what makes modern super-hero movies work? EVER?!??? Secret identities were a great way to fill time without a need for expensive special effect shots in the 1980's... but we're waaayyyy past that now. We get it. DC heroes have secret identities... but you don't have to fill precious screen time with it anymore. GET OVER IT ALREADY!
• Nice to see the Amazons again... but the introduction of the movie's big bad (Steppenwolf?) is almost cringe-worthy. Are DC's costume designers forced at gunpoint to put unnecessary and distracting textures EVERYWHERE? It looks fucking ridiculous. Jack Kirby's creations deserve so much better than this.
• At least they make Aquaman's underwater action look good. Maybe there's hope for the upcoming Aquaman movie, and it will be another Wonder Woman rather than a shitty Man of Steel or Batman vs. Superman. If, for no other reason, than we're getting James Wan in the director's chair. Hopefully he'll add some fucking FUN to the film instead of fifty layers of depressing. Again.
• Oh joy. I was worried we would get all the way through the trailer without seeing a Wonder Woman ass shot. But, nope... even after helping to win World War I, she's still just another piece of ass to DC's movie division!
• After getting a frickin' amazing "speed effect" with Quicksilver in the X-Men films... and a more subtle, but equally good speed effect for Quicksilver in Age of Ultron, just look at the awful thing they came up with for The Flash. Running in slow motion to simulate super-speed? Groundbreaking. Or it would be if The Six Million Dollar Man hadn't pioneered it in the 1970's. Even when they do move him at actual super-speed, the overabundance of lightning is just silly. Does he kill people with all that stupid electricity when he runs by them? I mean, it's fine when used with subtlety, but this? Zack Snyder is obviously compensating for something here. Probably a shitty story.
• And... again with the disaster porn. It's as if Zack Snyder doesn't know how to make a movie without the entire world exploding. Which begs the question... how the fuck are there any people left alive on earth when absolutely everything is getting destroyed all the time? This is fucking absurd, and I don't understand how the entire plot of DC's latest film slate can be summed up as "explosions." Doesn't anybody at DC care?

It's said that Joss Whedon is doing extensive reshoots for Justice League after Zack Snyder had to remove himself from the film to deal with a family emergency. I don't think punching up the dialogue (Whedon's specialty) is going to help. It's just pouring more money down a hole. What's really sad here... almost to the point of tragedy... is how much better the DC television division is at making good super-hero live action. They should have turned the Justice League movie over to them and built on the terrific, faithful, and far-superior versions of The Flash and Superman they already have on TV.

But instead we got this crapfest.

Maybe one day we'll finally get a DC Cinematic Universe that doesn't suck copious amounts of ass... but, sadly, that day is not today.

Or even tomorrow, apparently.

As a massively huge Batman fan, nobody wants Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice to be a great film more than I do.

Problem is, it's a continuation of the crap-fest that was Zach Snyder's Man of Steel... a movie I hate so much that just typing Man of Steel is enough for me to to start going into an apoplectic fit of rage. Snyder took a gigantic dump all over Superman, and DC Comics didn't seem to care... despite the fact that it took in "only" $668 million (against a budget of $225 million). That may seem like a lot, but it pales in comparison to Nolan's The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises (each earning in excess of 1 billion). And don't even start on The Avengers (1.5 billion). But whatever, it was a bad Superman movie because it wasn't Superman on the screen.

And now Zach Snyder is back at it with the afore-mentioned Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Which looks like utter shit...

Wait... was that... The Comedian?!?

From the trailer it looks like Snyder tried to make a present-day version of Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, but had no concept as to what made that book so great... Frank Miller stayed respectful to the source material.

Oh well. Luckily for everybody, Marvel continues to knock their super-hero films out of the park. Next up? Ant-Man! Which looks amazing, by the way...

What I wouldn't give to have Marvel take over DC's film franchises.