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Posted on Tuesday, June 28th, 2005

Dave!WARNING. Today's Blogography contains subject matter of a disturbing nature. Rather than be upset by what you read and then feel the need to write me another hate mail, why not just save us both the trouble and go f#@% yourself. Thanks!

As I slowly approach the finish line of the project that has been consuming every waking moment of every day for the past two weeks, I have been able to squeeze in a bit of free time to check in on some blogs and make a tiny dent in the hundreds of emails that have been accumulating. It is not a lot of progress, but it does make me feel better knowing that my life is on a track back to "normalcy."

And now that I'm finally going to have some honest-to-goodness free time in my future, I find myself starting to think of what I am going to do with it. The list goes something like this...

  • Launch BloggerPeeps.
  • Start working on my talk show.
  • Catch up on my DVD backlog.
  • Finish a rant I started (fire is involved).
  • Make some ice cream.
  • Wash my piles of dirty clothes.
  • Sleep.

But that's a week away. In the meanwhile, I still have loads of work to do and a blog entry to write. This should be easy... I could just weigh in on the two topics that are dominating the blogosphere right now:

  • iTunes 4.9, now with podcasting! Whatever. I mean, I am still waiting for the killer content that is going to make me care. Apple has a few promising podcasts in their directory (Al Franken!), but there's nothing going on that is going to make me suddenly fall in love with something that is still 99% crap.
  • President Bush's speech. Not to undermine our "war on terror" or the troops laying it on the line to safeguard this Nation... but are you EVER GOING TO f#@%ING ADDRESS the false pretenses which got us into the war in the first place? Here was your opportunity to explain yourself in regards to the "Downing Street Memo" and all the other crap that is starting to surface, but you say N-O-T-H-I-N-G. If you think people are just going to "forget" all the bullshit that got us into this, then you desperately need to get a clue. How can I be encouraged by your words when your track record has me questioning everything that comes out of your mouth?

So if I am not going to write about iTunes or Bush, what's the topic for the day? Find out in an extended entry!

Okay then. I think I will write about how sick and f#@%ing tired I am of reading news stories about body parts turning up in fast food... first it was a finger in Wendy's chili... now another finger in Applebee's salad. It's all so stupid.

I suppose it's only a matter of time before other parts start showing up...

Penis Salad

"Uhhh... excuse me, but the menu said nothing about chopped penis in my garden salad, and I'm a vegetarian."

Now, the Wendy's chili thing turned out to be a hoax, which only makes sense. I expect that the salad thing will end up the same way. I mean, if I cut MY finger off while chopping some lettuce, I think I'd notice. And it's absurd to think that if somebody cut off their finger that they'd just say "oh that's too bad" and then not try to find it. It's even more absurd to think that they would go ahead and ship out a bunch of lettuce when a body part is missing. A hoax is the only rational outcome for something like this.

But then you read about the finger that ended up in an ice cream, realize that shit like this can actually happen, and all of a sudden the "penis in the salad" scenario doesn't seem so far fetched. I mean, some guy COULD get pissed because he has to work overtime at the salad processing plant. The guy MIGHT decided that he wants revenge on his employer. The guy PERHAPS could determine that peeing in the salad chopper is a rational act of defiance. Then POSSIBLY the guy could get distracted by a sexy co-worker at a very bad moment. This guy's dick CONCEIVABLY MIGHT POSSIBLY COULD end up in your salad.

This worries me greatly.

Though something tells me that it would not be wise to order up a salad and tell them "I'd like the penis on the side" or even "hold the penis." Even if you asked nicely, things like this are bound to be misinterpreted... even at Burger King where they encourage you to "have it your way."

Hmmm. Looking back, I really should have written about iTunes. Heaven only knows what this entry is going to get me in Google searches.

Categories: DaveLife 2005, DaveToons 2005Click To It: Permalink


  1. karla says:

    I’m still trying to get over all the guys who managed to pee in the salad and DIDN’T lost their wee-wees. Your comment software censored the word “Pe*is”.

    urgh. I think I am off food for good.

    BTW, that Downing Street memo is all over the news here…..I bet not so much in the US.

  2. Venusupnorth says:

    P*nis Salad, ROLF 😉 “I’ll have a salad please, but hold the p*nis and no finger tips!” That’s even better than getting rich on the patenting thing, just find a finger or p*nis somewhere and throw it in your salad in a restaurant! Instant money and fame.

  3. Randy says:

    I didn’t watch the prez’ speach last night..partly because I knew it would simply be more of the same rhetoric (plus his new assertion that “the bloodshed is worth it”) and partly because I just can’t stand to watch/hear him speak.

    I just wanted to know, how many times did he say, “This is hard work?”…

    Hang in there with your work!

  4. Kevin says:

    I tried to subscribe to some of the podcasts and I keep getting a message saying “It looks like this is not a valid podcast URL” or some such. Kinda ticked about that because I wanted to hear what the Cinecast Podcast was all about. Me being the movie junkie.

    Oh, and you won’t hear any bashing from me regarding your Bushie comments. I’m in full agreement.

  5. karla says:

    I wonder would it be worth it if it was Bush’s blood being shed?
    Ah..I thought not.
    Hypocrite. God I hate him.

  6. Dave2 says:

    What nobody seems to get here is that the “disturbing content” of today’s entry was NOT the “p*nis in the salad” (most people here have never even heard of the memo).

    Kevin… I had that problem too. Apparently Apple’s server is being overloaded or something. Eventually they DO sort themselves out. I got a few to start working by hitting the “unsubscribe” button, then clicking on the “subscribe” button next to the podcast in the list.

  7. Harold says:

    The scariest part about your P*nis salad scenario is the haunting question when ordering, do you say “Super Size” me ?

  8. Randy says:

    W keeps saying that we aren’t going to let the terrorists control America. What a joke.

    Because guess what, Ol’ W got stuck in the perfectly planned 9/11-trap and has been CONTROLLED (along with America) ever since! That trap has crippled our economy, killed thousands of our soldiers (not to mention the Iraqi people), and totally energized the terrorist movement, which is never going to end.

    If only W would take a step back, take a deep breath and see the folly of his ways.

    But he just can’t because he is such a @$#$&!ing fool.

  9. Aravis says:

    Yes, Bush is a fool but he’s also a puppet. Stop for a moment and imagine W without Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld or their minions.

    Do you think he would still be in office?

    Talking about this administration leads me to wear steel-toed boots. Hey, I want to kick something but they’re not worth hurting myself over! *G*

  10. Venusupnorth says:

    Dave I usually try to keep my opinions about Bush to myself because they are very extreme, I have gotten into many verbal wars over this idiot. First of all if you look back on history and look at how dictators started ruling a country it’s very similar to what Bush has been doing. A good example of that is how he’s trying to justify the Iraqi war by connecting it to 9/11? He’s feeding the American public bullsh*t and guess what, Americans actually elected the idiot 2x and are buying his sh*t? My son is 1/2 American and I never travel abroad anymore with his American passport because after Bush started sh*tting all over the World American’s are looked upon as Nazis in a way. I can’t believe what he’s doing to the constitution, well I’m not getting into that here…..

  11. Peggy Archer says:

    I did a Google (TM) search for ‘you-know-what salad’, and you didn’t come up..

    So you’re safe for now.

  12. Carl says:

    It’s only a matter of time before those Google crawlers come scoping on Dave’s content…

    What started as a stupid fly in some guy’s soup has turned into condom’s in microwavable curries, fingers in chili, and toenails in tuna.

    Politics is never worth more than a paragraph of a blog post, so congratulations for choosing a topic which we all probably had a good laugh at. One of the reasons I return to this blog is the great writing.

    The other would probably have to be that duck at the top of the page. It keeps beating me at staring contests and I’m a stubborn player.

  13. To Kevin from the comments above… Hey, there were definitely some issues with iTunes in the early going, and some of the kinks are still getting worked out, but you shouldn’t have any problems accessing Cinecast now through iTunes. You can also listen through the site at Thanks.

  14. Julia says:

    Hi Dave 🙂
    i just found your page and i really like it a lot! Here is the correct german translation what you can say to the waiter:

    Uhhh… entschuldigen Sie mich, aber das Menü sagte nichts über gehackten Penis in meinem Gartensalat und ich bin ein Vegetarier

    With kindly regards from germany!

  15. Wayne Hall says:

    First off and most importantly, how could an _entry_ about this salad not include gushing references to creamy dressing? I mean, the lack of puns in this most penetrating article is hard to ignore. I don’t mean to sound like a prick, but sometimes I’m surprised at all the members I see around here, dicking around with their comments. What a bunch of wankers.

    But then I guess the written word isn’t always as effective as orally expressing one’s self, is it? And if you don’t have the balls to come forward and bare your soul, you should consider getting some thicker skin. For skin has amazing properties. It’s the largest organ in the human body, for example.

    Secondly, I like the balance you place in the submission. On the one hand, you present info about the male anatomy. In the other hand you mention Bush, but cleverly disguise it as a presidential name or something. We know what you’re really going on about. At least we know one thing – Bush is hard on terrorists, and he’s best used when sprung upon them without warning. I love it when the full condomnation of Bush goes down.

    I think we can all agree on another thing – terrorists should be locked away, preferably in a penal clony. No-one will be coming, that’s for sure (unless they take the back way in.)

    Thank you, also, Dave for stating that you support the troops. I don’t care if their soldiers or seamen, they should have the protection they need and be carried in the right vehicle.

    If you were looking for a climax to this comment, I’ll be coming up short. Sorry for being premature in my ending, but I am actually just testing blog comments from my blackberry 8700c, which is what I typed this on.

    (Joke of the comment of the blog of the day: did you hear about the Rabbi who did circumcisions for free? Yeah, he worked for tips)

  16. Dave2 says:

    Uhhhh… sometimes a salad is just a salad?? I am just not THAT clever! 🙂

  17. You can just go to a good authentic Chinese restaurant and BE SURE you’re getting penis in your dish.

  18. Diane Lindenberger says:

    I LOVE the Bad Monkey…..he is so cheeky and cute….I wish that there were Bad Monkey decals that could be pasted on my I-Phone and everywhere else…like a “Bad Monkey” pasted on my car dashboard or a “Bad Monkey” bumper sticker….

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