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Monument

Posted on Saturday, June 3rd, 2006

Dave!Flying Horizon Airlines with their myriad of "mechanical difficulties" has me thinking quite a lot about my death.

Not so much about how I will be ascending to a higher plane of existence from which I shall continue to bless my loyal readers... but more about where my earthly remains shall be interned. Something befitting a man of my stature and brilliance. Something with eternal flames... and a gift shop.

After thinking about it during the bumpy ride into Seattle, I finally came up with a rough concept...

Dave Monument

I think perhaps a statue monument made out of Italian marble that's around fifty stories tall should do the trick. And it would be hollowed out just like the Statue of Liberty so visitors could climb into my head and observe the surrounding 200,000 acres of pristine wild-lands which surround my eternal resting place (formerly known as Mt. Rainier National Park).

  • DAVE TEMPLE: Inside the monument pedestal will be a twenty-story amphitheater where people can gather to sing my praises.
  • ETERNAL FLAMES: Four eternal flames will burn 24/7 to pay tribute to my enduring legacy.
  • BURIAL HEADSTONE: This massive slab of marble will be engraved with my many achievements for all to pause and reflect over my contributions to all mankind.
  • SACRIFICIAL ALTAR: Here is where those who offend me may be offered up for sacrifice... spammers... dumbasses... bad drivers... ABC network television executives...
  • DAVE MUSEUM: Located in my pants, this comprehensive museum will contain a complete collection of Dave artifacts and memorabilia.
  • REVOLVING RESTAURANT: Located in my belt, a delicious variety of my most favorite foods will be served in a fun and exciting setting that makes a full revolution every hour.
  • DAVE-COASTER: Within my chest is a sweet roller coaster ride where visitors can be whisked from arm-to-arm at break-neck speeds!
  • OBSERVATION DECK: From out of my eyes, visitors can look out over the landscape and meditate over all that was and will forever be "Dave".
  • IMAX THEATER: In the top of my head is an IMAX dome theater where visitors can enjoy Elizabeth Hurley films or watch documentaries of my fascinating life and numerous successes.
  • GIFT SHOP: Here you can buy all kinds of Dave merchandise including books, souvenirs, T-shirts, post cards, and even Bad Monkey plush toys!

I'll be setting up a tip jar here so that everybody can do their part to immortalize me in this nifty monument. I am pretty sure that something like this will cost at least a couple of billion dollars, so dig deep... DIG WAAAAAYYY DOWN DEEP... into those pockets for your tax-deductable* contribution.

   

* At least any donation should be tax-deductable. Write your legislators today!


Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Karl says:

    I’m assuming that the restaurant will be fully stocked with all the assorted varieties of Pop Tarts? Will there be seasons passes available?

  2. adena says:

    You forgot the “Official Dave Cloning/Genetic & Embryonic Lab”….located conveniently RIIIIGHT below the revolving restaurant.

    You know…so people can have their own little Dave at home.

  3. I’m assuming the restaurant is a Hard Rock cafe.

  4. dandyna says:

    I would totally do a pilgrimage to it, in case. :)

  5. bluepaintred says:

    oh my fricken word, you amuse me sooo much!

    i dotn think i have laughed this hard in a while

    you rock

  6. Brent says:

    I’m not going to say you’re getting a big head, Dave, but with a monument fifty feet tall, well, you kind of are! :) But you were written about in The Wall Street Journal so you’re well on your way to making this a reality. The torches are a nice touch. Very dramatic, like a statue outside of the Roman Coliseum. Actually, I think that might be a perfect location for this. Though, to make space for your giant self, the coliseum might have to go. I’m sure no one will notice. Kind regards.

  7. Cavan says:

    I wish I could say that it’d be the first time I’d looked for artifacts in someone’s pants.

  8. Dave2 says:

    Karl… entry is free to all my readers. Reservations, however, are recommended for the restaurant, rides, and theater because I am most beloved.

    Adena… what are you putting in my crotch again? :-)

    Gary… but of course!

    Dandyna… excellent. Your life probably depends on it! :-)

    Bluepaintred… I do rock, don’t I? All the more reason for you to clean out your bank account, sell your home and all your possessions, then send me all the money so I can get started building my monument! :-D

    Brent… fifty feet? Bah! That wouldn’t even BEGIN to pay proper tribute to me! Fifty STORIES… fifty STORIES tall.

    Cavan… I would think that some artifacts are best left undiscovered, especially given some of the pants I’ve seen.

  9. Tracy Lynn says:

    Dave, I would be afraid to climb into your head, and don’t even ask me about spending time in your pants. I WILL NOT go there, I tell you.

  10. Juli says:

    You forgot the Pope hat. If you add that then your loyal followers can go watch every TV series and movies (not starring Liz) you’ve promoted: Veronica Mars, Superman, etc. I’d believe Apple would house a store in the left upper portion of Dave’s chest.

  11. Brent says:

    Yes, 50 stories. That was a typographical error. I think, though, that you should move the gift shop to the entrance that way people see it both on the way into and out of the monument. Some people may never get to the top of Dave Monument and you surely don’t want to lose any of that post-mortem phat cash!

  12. mikey says:

    Do you know how much I love cartoon Dave?

  13. Eve says:

    I hope your last wishes stipulate there be some adequate vegan options on the menu at your themed-restaurant (hey, if you want me to be an investor and frequentor … ).

    What about the Dave Library, stocked with Dave’s life-long collection of favorite books, as well as the largest collection of Dave’s own extensive body of works?

    And most importantly, where will Bad Monkey be immortalized?

  14. Caitie says:

    I can’t wait for the Official Dave Hymnal.

  15. Dave2 says:

    Tracy Lyn… But all the good stuff is in my pants I tell you!

    Juli… An Apple Store! Now why didn’t I think of that?!? Yes, that store would definitely be in my heart… right next to the entrance to the roller coaster and the Coke with Lime vending machines.

    Brent… any pilgrim who does not make their way to the top is in for a smiting! Yes, I will smite anybody who does not make it to my head!!

    Mikey… Sure. But the best way to show your love is with money. A couple of million dollars towards the Dave Monument Foundation will prove your love in a way that would be hard to miss! :-)

    Eve… I think Bad Monkey should have his own monument facing directly opposite mine! He would like that. The menu is entirely meat-free. Hmmm… somehow I never thought I would ever be saying that something in my pants is “meat-free”… perhaps I should relocate?

    Caitie… A smashing idea!! I’ll add it to my list!

  16. Chanakin says:

    Could I suggest an express elevator for those of us who don’t want to go milling around in your pants?

  17. adena says:

    I suspect he’ll smite anyone that doesn’t want to go “milling around in his pants”.

  18. Mooselet says:

    So glad to hear Bad Monkey will have his own spot. Where would you be without him, after all?

    While the idea of a restaurant on your belt is good, can you guarantee the trip through your pants will be worth it? I’d hate to be disappointed.

  19. sandra says:

    I’m assuming the revolving restaurant will be vegetarian?

  20. Tracy Lynn says:

    Dave, if I had a dime for every guy who told me that, we would have enough money to build, not only the Dave Monument, but the Bad Monkey Cathedral as well.

  21. Dave2 says:

    Chanakin: You’d be missing all the good bits then!

    Adena: Actually, there are some people you don’t WANT in your pants! :-)

    Mooselet: Bad Monkey would claim that I am nothing without him! A trip through my pants is always good for me… I can only imagine that others would enjoy it!

    Sandra: All the meat is below the belt, so yes! :-)

    Tracy Lyn: You need to start charging people for saying that then! Italian marble is not cheap! :-)

  22. James says:

    It’s weird but…I think penis salad needs to be involved in the monument somehow.
    It just doesn’t get more Dave than penis salad.

  23. Avitable says:

    I’d go, but there would probably be a “No Avitables allowed” sign.

  24. Anonymous says:

    There damn well better be POSTERS of the best Dave cartoons for sale in the gift shop, with the originals hanging in the museum, of course.

  25. SJ says:

    Oops, that was ME. Forgot I’ve been housecleaning and the cookie is gone.

  26. Kevin says:

    I don’t know, there’s something about the way you said “visitors could climb into my head and observe the surrounding 2000 acres of pristine wild-lands” that makes me think the 2,000 acres of wild area is actually inside your head. Wide open and unfettered by thought and musings.

    Heh ;-)

  27. pooky says:

    i’d like a bad monkey toy! the idea of a dave memorial statue sounds totally cool.

  28. daVID LAPLANTE says:

    this shall be used as my grave stone

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