After receiving not one, but TWO emails from Memoirs of a Geisha fans railing on me for my less than flattering review of the crappy book and soulless film adaptation, my mind turned to happier times. Times where I feel safe. Times where I felt unthreatened. Times where I am in control of my own destiny in a world gone mad....
Times spent wiping my ass.
And from there it was only a small leap to the horrifying realization that I am nearly out of toilet paper and will soon have to be making a trip to Target to re-stock up on critical household supplies.
Now, as I have mentioned here many, many times... I loathe shopping. Totally can't stand it. And to avoid shopping for as long as possible, I always buy in bulk. When I need a new pair of jeans, I don't just buy the one pair, I buy five. When I need ketchup, I buy three jumbo bottles to be sure I won't have to buy ketchup again any time soon. When I crave a Tootsie Pop, I buy an entire 100-count carton... I just don't mess around when I am forced to shop.
So understand that when I buy toilet paper, I am looking for maximum wipe-age. And when you want maximum wipe-age, there's only one thing to do... buy the Charmin Mega-Roll Mega Six-Pack...
It's the Cadillac of toilet paper. And I must admit that when I saw the words "CHANGE THE ROLL LESS OFTEN" on the package, I broke down in tears of happiness. It's a dream come true for non-shoppers everywhere.
But there is a problem.
Target doesn't have a shopping bag big enough to hold a Charmin Mega-Roll Mega Six-Pack.
When you make your purchase, you have to walk out the door with this big-ass package of toilet paper where everybody can see you holding it. And that's when you realize it...
EVERYBODY IS GOING TO KNOW THAT YOU WIPE YOUR ASS!
And that bothers me for some reason.
What are people thinking when they see me walking through the parking lot with this Mega Six-Pack of toilet paper I wonder. "Boy that guy sure wipes his ass a lot!" Or perhaps "That dude has serious bowel issues!" Or maybe "Whoa, he must look at a lot of porn!"
I dunno. I don't want to know.
But it does kind of freak me out seeing all these condescending glances as I make my way to my car. "I JUST DON'T LIKE TO SHOP!" I want to scream at them. "DON'T JUDGE ME, LOVE ME!" I want to cry.
Why does buying toilet paper have to be such a traumatic experience? Shouldn't you be PROUD that you wipe your ass? I mean, it is a good thing compared to the alternative of NOT wiping your ass, isn't it?
Maybe it's just me. Perhaps I have wiping issues or something.
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Yeah, I’m a bit anal about wiping my ass as well. Hey, I sure hope you aren’t sitting on the loo with your pants down in that pic.
I confess that I am fan of the Scott 1000 multipack. My daughter dreads using my lav because “the toilet paper is too thin and rough” on her delicate posterior. I’m just tough I guess and can’t feel its sandpaper-like roughness, but at 1000 sheets per roll, it lasts and lasts.
Dave’s an asswiper!!!! Buahahahahaha!!!
Just kidding man. This is one of those things you’ve just gotta suck it up and buy it.
I’ve never been bothered by purchasing TP. I can think of much worse things. Imagine having to buy the moist towelette wipes in some big, bulk amount that cannot hide in a grocery bag. Now, that would be embarrassing unless you have kids and one of them happened to be with you. Then you have a saving grace. Otherwise, one-way ticket to Shamesville, coming up.
TP isn’t too bad. Condoms are a different matter. lol
Be thankful you don’t menstrate then…
If you think walking out of a Target with “their size” toliet paper packages is tough, try a Costco-sized packaged from Costco.
The only benefit to that is there is a really good chance that there are at least 4 other people that have giant T.P. packages in-tow, walking out at the same time as you.
Finding the right brand in the right sized package can be a godsend.
In Norway they don’t give you bags for tp, so everyone walks around with it under their arms. It’s just how it is. And I gotta say, I’ve never seen so many people walking around with asswipe in my LIFE!
And if you don;’t like buying tp, damn, you SO should be glad you aren’t a girl. Tampons, pads, birth control, pregnancy tests. Talk about embarrassing…..
Dave, we all wipe our bums. It’s life. Be glad that we have tp and don’t have to use leaves. It’s drought conditions here in Texas, and those dried out magnolia leaves would just HURT. And neccessitate the purchase of Preparation H. MORE embarrassing purchases….
Even with big rolls a 6-pack isn’t a lot of toilet paper.
I usually buy 12 packs (but not that overpriced Charmin’ crap), put them on my bike and cycle back home. All in public. After reading your text I’m sure I will consider being embarrassed the next time I do it. Dave, you just ruined my life!
I saw the preview of the Geisha film in cinema today… and even that pretty much confirmed your criticisms of the film.
Why be embarrassed by strangers at the store knowing about your ass-wiping habits? The entire world knows now thanks to your blog. 😉
I’m a fan of the Scott 12-pack myself. Sometimes we buy two. I like to shop, but for toys, not stuff I need.
I usually wait until they’re ready to scan my toilet paper and I say, “I’m building a fort.”
Usually they stop thinking about ME wiping my ass immediately.
It could be much worse. Imagine if in addition to your TP, your shopping cart has some incontinence pads and Hemorrhoids’ cream. Then it would be embarrassed.
“DON’T JUDGE ME, LOVE ME!”
Your bowel/porn issues aside, we’ll always love you. I’m going to buy you a copy of “Everyone Poops.”
I have a favorite toliet paper brand too, but I’m not saying because I don’t feel like endorsing a brand right now.
The point is, I really enjoyed your transition from Memoirs of a Geisha to WIPING YOUR ASS. no really. I did.
This is some funny shit, Dave. Damn, i am reading this at the office and i am laughing out loud, which makes some neighboring co-workers look at me peculiarly, as it appears to them i am laughing at myself, by myself. I am often humored by your rantings, but never this much, maybe because i can relate. What is it about letting people know you wipe your ass that is so weird? You think, you would feel good, as in, hey, look at me – i wipe my ass – unlike those other weirdos who dont even bother to wipe!
You make me laugh like crazy! When I see people with packages of toilet paper, I don’t think anything of it. O.o Hmm…I don’t think I’ve seen Megarolls yet. Maybe around here they know the peculiar looks strangers will give. I’m glad you wipe your butt. Skid marks are disgusting. I shudder at the thought of seeing my boyfriend’s underwear, with obvious signs of no toilet paper usage.
Next time, go shoppping on your motorcycle and bungee the mega-TP-pack to the pillion. This way everyone in traffic can ask themselves the same questions.
In truth, I’ve carried TP on my bike and I think that the traffic was almost more polite.
You are way overthinking this issue, Man.
“If you think walking out of a Target with “their size” toliet paper packages is tough, try a Costco-sized packaged from Costco.”
I was thinking the exact same thing as I read this entry.
“The only benefit to that is there is a really good chance that there are at least 4 other people that have giant T.P. packages in-tow, walking out at the same time as you.”
More like 1 out of every four people have the toy-chest sized packages of toilet paper in their carts at Costco. So it’s totally a non-issue at Costco. You should shop there, Dave. Everyone’s on the same page as you.
I really liked your Technorati tag, “poop”, for this post Dave…
If we are on the subject of TP, I am enjoying the new(er) Charmin “Basic”…good price and oh so comfy! haha.
can i be part of the Supportive Toilet Paper Group? this is some great stuff…
Excellent article – you really did have nothing to write about this morning eh 😉
The problem with the bigger sized charmin packs is that the rolls don’t fit on the roll holders as they are too wide so you end up squishing them and then the paper rips in the wrong place (which gets really messy)
Looking forward to the Blogography TP Tshirts…..(had to be careful that I spelt that correctly)
I swear I laughed like an idiot while reading this. Great post. (I came across your blog because of something I was Googling)
And by the way, I was at a friend’s house yesterday and had to ask for a plunger. Talk about embarrassing toilet judgements.
Procter and Gamble technology at its best!
I think there’s some merit to this. Just yesterday for no good reason I was picturing people wiping their bums. Or atleast what they would look like. This was as disturbing to visualize as it is to articulate. *snicker* Perhaps you are so empathic that you have picked up on this bizarre occurrence from someone in your local grocery store. Perhaps next time you feel this way, look around for the man or woman who look disgusted and smile and nod at them. 😛
I don’t know how to wipe my ass the right way.HELP!
I was buying a 12 or so pack once at a nice store and the cashier made a comment/kinda pointed and snickered to another employee about the toilet paper I was buying. I didn’t care but thought it was rude.
how stupid you people are. everyone in the world wipe theeir butt..and women, hopefully, wipe somewhere as well.
Could be worse, we could be a stupid bitch who doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Oh, I’m sure she has a sense of humor. She probably thinks “According to Jim” is a hilarious thing to watch before she can put on the 700 club and pray to Jesus.
Either that, or she is very, VERY serious about wiping her ass…
Oh Dave… you “crack” me up…