ZOMFG! APPLE IS HOLDING A SPECIAL MEDIA EVENT ON JANUARY 27th!

For a Certified Apple Whore such as myself, this is the equivalent of getting a free 3-month supply of hookers with a case of Snack-Pack Chocolate Pudding on top. The question is... will His Holiness, Steve Jobs, be the one to run the event? Because that's the difference between your free hookers having all their teeth or not (admittedly, some guys find the idea of a toothless strumpet to be Prostitute Nirvana, but I assure you that I am not one of them).

Obviously, my preference would be for Mr. Jobs to descend from the heavens on a sun-beam, alight on that high pedestal upon which I place him, and unleash the new hotness that Apple has up their collective sleeves...

But, when push comes to shove, I'll reluctantly accept a Jobs substitution by Jonathan Ivy, Phil Schiller, or whatever other dentally-challenged whores they've got hanging around at Apple. In this case, it's not the messenger, it's the message that's important. Hell, Apple's new toy could be stuck in a pile of flaming dog shit and dropped on-stage by Dick Cheney riding a three-legged goat while masturbating to donkey porn... it just doesn't matter. If the "device" Apple is announcing is up to their usual awesome standards, nobody would notice.

The rumor mill is saying that the "device" is a tablet computer of some sort. Kind of like a giant iPhone... but with magical properties that have yet to be defined.

I'm putting my bets on no-smudge anti-gravity screen, nuclear battery with a 100-year charge, and a psychic brain-link interface. Pudding rack optional.

Either that, or the iToast is making its debut at last.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people get such a bug up their ass when it comes to a glass of wine.

Too many times I've sat at the table with some self-professed wine connoisseur who has felt the need to bore the ever-loving shit out of everybody with their "expertise." They'll drone on and on about fruit notes and acidity. They'll wax poetic about earthy components and bold finishes. They'll be to the verge of orgasm as they describe puckery tannins and oaky bouquet. And, if you haven't lapsed into a coma when they've run out of wine buzzwords to throw at you, they'll delve into an oration on their favorite decanting techniques. It's a never-ending cavalcade of bullshit designed to make them look smart by pointing out how stupid you are because you don't give a flying fuck what "vinosity" means.

Don't get me wrong... I have nothing against people with a passion for wine who wants to discuss its intricacies and idiosyncrasies with other people who are equally inclined. But is it really necessary to force it on the rest of us? The only thing I care about in a wine is how many glasses it's going to take for me to get drunk...

A part of me wants to fight fire with fire.

What I'll do is study the hell out of some common dinner staple... like say... CORN. I'll learn everything there is to know about corn, and the next time some pompous oenophile decides to batter everybody with the depth of their wine knowledge, I'll hit back with some assholery of my own...

Wino: What a magnificent bottle! The muted tannins are fabulous, and those cherry notes exploding in my mouth are just to die for! And is that a hint of vanilla my sensitive palate is detecting? Why, yes... it is vanilla! Vanilla mixed with a touch of currant. Such sophisticated nuances here... and when you marry that to its dense body and throaty florals on the back end... it's just heaven. Heaven in a glass I say! And don't get me started on the texture! The glossy mouthfeel reminds me of a trip to Napa I took ba--
   
Dave: HAVE YOU TASTED THIS CORN?!? UN-FUCKING BELIEVABLE CORN HERE! It's sweeter than the butter they topped it with! There's also a toothy bite that makes my mouth sing... and don't get me started on those starches. This corn has starches so crisp and inviting that I'd swear my mouth has been wrapped in silk! And the color! I haven't seen a yellow this vibrant since that limited edition crop of Heirloom corn I had back in '98! I defy you to find a sexier yellow than this corn! Your piss isn't this beautiful a shade of yellow! Now, do you think this is Quincy corn or perhaps a Japanese import? If I were a betting man... AND I AM... I'd say this is some kind of organic hybrid. Perhaps using a new iteration of hydroponics-based therapy. Because this... this is some amazing shit right here. One thing's for certain... I'm ordering a second helping of this bad boy!

Well, it's either that or I start talking about Dungeons & Dragons.

Either way, I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!

Wow. I could really go for an ear of corn and a glass of wine right now.

I am a long-time fan of Gumby. I had more than one Gumby doll when I was a kid, getting a new one when the old one had worn out from playing with him too much. I was equally a fan of Gumby's horse, Pokey. And even though I grew up, I never really outgrew the little green guy and his orange sidekick.

I have mini Gumby & Pokey dolls on my desk. I named the network printers at my office "Gumby" and "Pokey." I have a postcard of Gumby & Pokey stuck to my filing cabinet. I bought all the Bob Burden/Art adams Gumby comics. The icon for the hard disk on each of my Macs was traditionally Gumby (who moved from old computer to new computer, right up until I installed Mac OS X).

My love for all things Gumby will not die.

Which is why I was very sad to learn that Gumby's creator, Art Clokey, passed away yesterday.

For teaching me to use my imagination and giving me a lifetime of happy memories... rest in peace, Mr. Clokey.

If you're wanting to explore the freakishly bizarre world of Gumby, then you'll be happy to know that Hulu has a collection of cartoons available to watch for free! Prepare to get your mind blown (assuming you live in the USA, as Hulu doesn't seem to work elsewhere)...

Goodnight, Gumby!

I love how ABC Television is promoting their new show The Deep End by saying "FROM THE NETWORK THAT BROUGHT YOU GREYS ANATOMY"... like that's some kind of ringing endorsement. ABC is also the network that brought us such steaming turds as Viva Laughlin and Cop Rock, as well as cancelling such brilliant shows as Pushing Daisies and Cupid (the Jeremy Piven Original... not the shitty remake). Hardly a track record that inspires confidence.

But whatever.

I should adopt this ridiculous qualification system for myself.

From now on, whenever I write a new blog post, I think I'll preface it with "FROM THE BLOGGER WHO BROUGHT YOU PENIS SALAD"...

Because about the only thing more disturbing than this blog would be finding a severed penis in your salad.

Or maybe finding Lindsay Lohan's abused crotch in your chocolate pudding...

Though right now I'd have to say NOTHING is worse than finding David Caruso on your television...

Except perhaps finding your airplane in the Hudson River...

Can you believe that happened a year ago? Seems like it was only yesterday.

Time sure flies when the world is in a tail-spin.

Imitation is supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery.

But when it's a poor imitation, it's just insulting.

I created Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey "DaveToons" back in 2002 for my Hard Rock Cafe fan site "DaveCafe" (click here for the whole story). Since that time, they've appeared on my blog regularly, and have been printed on everything from shirts and hats to playing cards and bumper stickers. Here at my home in the Wenatchee Valley, they've been all around for years because I'm often giving T-Shirts away to my friends or donating them to events and such.

So I imagine it was only a matter of time before somebody decided to rip-off my characters to sell their crap. A year or so ago, somebody told me that a coffee stand had changed "Bad Monkey" to "Naughty Monkey" and made him as the mascot for their business...

Poor imitation on the left, original on the right
He's kind of been butchered here... the relocation of his nose is particularly disturbing

   
They even took the color of the shirt he was printed on!

The sad thing is that if the owners of the coffee stand had bothered to follow the copyright link on the shirt to my blog and emailed me, I might have given them permission to use my character and also do their artwork for them if they were nice! It's a small valley... we may even know the same people. Maybe we could have worked out a deal where they'd sell my shirts and I'd split the profits with them! I usually don't license out my art for commercial purposes... but, come on, a struggling independent local coffee company wanting to name their business after something you created? How cool is that?!?

But they didn't, and (assumably) ripped me off instead (I don't buy this as a coincidence). Then, surprise! IT'S KARMA, BITCH!

The reason I don't license my characters or give permission to use them for commercial purposes is simple. I don't make any money off my creations, so why should anybody else? I guess that doesn't stop people from taking them anyway. And, in this case, I guess justice was served.

At least until somebody else buys the business and re-opens it.

Be vewy vewy quiet...

So there I was, minding my own business as I was walking to the mini-mart, when the woman walking ahead of me unknowingly dropped her vagina on the sidewalk.

This was surprising for a number of reasons... foremost of which was her wearing a mini-skirt in the middle of winter. Granted, the weather has been getting warmer lately, but it's still cold enough that there's snow on the ground. This made the whole mini-skirt thing pretty bizarre. Though, in the woman's defense, she was wearing boots and a jacket.

Neither of which were providing warmth to her crotch, which is why her vagina apparently froze and fell off...

I was going to run up and tell her what happened, but I was too embarrassed.

Instead I carefully nudged it to the edge of the sidewalk with my foot so nobody would step in it. I figured eventually she's realize that something important had gone missing, then she'd retrace her steps to find her vagina there waiting for her.

A little colder, but no worse for wear.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY! A MINI-SKIRT IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER?!?

Though I suppose it could have been her work uniform. Maybe she's required to wear a mini-skirt as part of the dress code.

I wonder what kind of profession requires a mini-skirt dress code?

Lately I've been striving to look at things in a different light to reveal what I might be missing. I thought that this would be a good thing, because it would help me to better appreciate the things around me. Things that I see every day, but take for granted.

Unfortunately, it's had the exact opposite effect. All I seem to be revealing is that there's a lot of pointless, stupid, and wholly disappointing stuff out there that I tend to ignore. Apparently with good reason.

It's like that favorite restaurant you go to whenever you're drunk and needing some cheap eats to help soak up all that alcohol. Then one day you decide to eat there when you're sober... only to discover that the food is complete crap, and the only way anybody would ever want to eat there would be if they were too inebriated to be able to taste it.

I'm trying not to be too upset about it, but I can't help but be disappointed.

I guess some things just can't hold up to that kind of scrutiny.

Other things, on the other hand, don't require scrutiny to reveal their pointless disappointing stupidity. The revelation comes from the genius way that other people react to it.

This link is sheer brilliance. Which leads me to a sign of my own...

It's totally true! Look it up!

Confronting dumbassery with mockery to highlight just how fucking stupid it is... that's something I think God would appreciate. He invented a sense of humor, after all.

What's a guy gotta do to get some peace and quiet?

It would be nice if I didn't have to go to that kind of extreme, but... uhhh... yeah... considering it...

It's official...

Might as well...

Or not...

Plans sometimes change...

I guess it wasn't meant to last...

Back to the drawing board.

I'd like to buy a vowel please, Pat...

And no, this is not about U.

Though it might be if you've done something to deserve it.

At midnight tonight, it's the Year of the Tiger!

   
Here's hoping it's going to be grrrrrreat!

It's a banner Bullet Sunday with Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year, The Olympic Games, and Hilly's annual Self-Love Day all happening at the same time!

   
• Commentary! It' getting to the point that I simply cannot watch televised sports anymore because of the annoying non-stop "professional commentary" that rains down like a storm of shit over everything. Right now I am watching the Nordic Combined competition at the Olympics, and these two dumbasses simply WILL NOT SHUT UP! They talk and talk and talk and talk about total BULLSHIT that does nothing... NOTHING to enhance my enjoyment of the event. And I just don't get it. I'm not frackin' stupid. I don't need to be told it's snowing or somebody missed a target... I can see that. I don't need to be told that somebody needs to "pick up the pace" if they're behind... that's obvious. I don't need to be told that "the US has never medaled in this event" FIFTY FUCKING TIMES... if I gave a shit about how many medals the US has won, I'd Google it. The constant stream of senseless crap is a needless distraction, so just shut the fuck up already! Save your idiotic blathering for the wrap-up... or the interviews... or your blog... or whatever... just let me watch in peace. At the very least, networks should simulcast a non-commentator version to give us a choice.

   
• Be Mine! It's time for my annual Valentine's Day card! (for previous year's cards, click here)...

Thanks to everybody out there who makes me feel loved.

   
• Siri App! Every once in a while, something comes along that gives you a taste of what the future is going to be like. Usually, it's the latest product from Apple. But the future is more an ideal than a place, so it can be really tricky to see that fine line between "gimmick" and "game-changer" when it comes to tech. But then there's Siri Personal Assistant...

The basic idea is that you fire up Siri on your iPhone or Blackberry or whatever... then tell it what you want. Siri then uses voice recognition technology to parse what you said and return an answer. You say "Where is there nearest Starbucks?" and Siri comes back with an address and directions. You say "What time is 'Avatar' playing?" and Siri picks the nearest theater and gives you showtimes. You say "What time is it in Sydney, Australia?" and Siri looks it up for you. There's a pretty impressive list of things that Siri understands and, even when it doesn't, it's happy to perform a web search on what you asked to see if it can help. As a tech demo, it's very cool, and a nice peek at how artificial intelligence is going to eventually escalate into The Way Things Are.

The problem is that Siri doesn't feel "magical" yet. There's a long delay while Siri sends a recording of what you said back to the mothership for parsing (a REALLY long delay if you don't have 3G). The parsing A.I. is rudementary, so you have to confirm your request by manually reading back what you just said and pressing "okay." It doesn't talk back to you, so you're still futzing around with the screen a lot. As a game-changer, it's just not "there" yet. I'm sure as the technology behind Siri continues to improve, we'll eventually cross that threshold where the tech disappears and it becomes magic. Like HAL in the movie 2001. But until then, it's just a nifty toy that provides a glimpse of what our future might be like. I, for one, cannot wait until I'm able have an argument with my refrigerator.

   
• Google Buzzkill! I have three very separate lives: My personal life, my work life, and my online life. It's rare that they intersect in any meaningful way, but it does happen (online friends that become personal friends, for example). But, for the most part, it's my choice as to how various aspects of my life intersect and mingle. Or at least it has been my choice. Things are changing. A good example is when companies that want to work with me Google my name and read my blog so they can get background info to influence how they interact with me. It bothered me a bit at first, but I've just learned to accept that anything you put out on the internet for public consumption is going to be found eventually... even by people you'd rather not see it.

But the stuff I put privately on the internet is another matter entirely. Enter Google Buzz...

My Gmail (Google Mail) account is the only place where all my worlds collide. Email from all aspects of my life collect here so that I can more easily manage my various accounts from a central location. This means I am ultimately trusting Google with my most personal data on a regular basis. But now that they've forced their new "social networking" fiasco "Google Buzz" onto my unwilling Gmail account... I can't help but wonder if trusting them was a very big mistake.

Mostly because I can't figure out what is happening.

I read an article that says all my Gmail contacts can use Buzz to see all my other contacts. I read a blog that tells me my personal data is exposed because Buzz lets people see private information publicly. One source says turning Buzz off will solve everything... another says turning Buzz off doesn't do anything. Google itself says that private information stays private, and people are misunderstanding what Buzz does. So I have no idea what to think. I have no clue exactly what people can or cannot get access to. Best-case-scenario: The Buzz drama has been blown completely out of proportion and I have nothing to worry about. Worst-case-scenario: My most dreaded nightmare has come true.

In the end, I think it's pretty shitty that Google would do something so horrendous as to force users to use a new service that they don't understand... regardless of whether or not any breach of privacy has occurred! When I logged into Gmail, I got a Buzz splash screen that I blew through with no concept as to what it meant for me or my privacy. I had no clue that it would be bound to my email account in such a way that my personal information was at risk. As of right now, I still don't know, and I've read every article and blog entry I can find to try and figure it out. I've gone through every tutorial I can find on eliminating Buzz from my Gmail account, but I still have no clue as to whether or not it's solved anything. Hell, I don't know if there was anything to "solve" to begin with!

And I still don't understand why Google felt that Buzz had to be a part of my Gmail account instead of a separate service. I'm guessing that it was a way to leverage the insane number of Gmail users to become instant competition to Facebook and Twitter... but at what cost? Most people who want this social media bullshit already have a Facebook and Twitter account! If Google Buzz sucks so bad that it can't stand on its own and has to be grafted onto Gmail to be accepted, why in the hell would anybody want to use it in the first place? None of this makes any sense to me. It's as if Google had no other goal than to piss-off and hopelessly confuse their users. What are they hoping to accomplish by adding a public "feature" to email, given that email is one of the most private parts of our lives? At what point did somebody think mixing public and private data in the same space was such a great idea? How crazy do you have to be to not realize that something like this couldn't possibly be a good idea?

I'm so dumbfounded by the whole Google Buzz concept and the resulting drama that I can't imagine I'd ever want to use it now. Heck, I don't even know if I want to trust Google with ANY of my data now. Their effort to contaminate something as private as email with something as public as social networking just shows they have no concept as to people wanting to keep parts of their lives separate. To Google, everything is meant to be shared, and they want to make it as easy as possible for you to do so... whether you like it or not. As more and more of our personal data is in the hands of others, what does this say about our privacy in the year 2010? What will it mean for our privacy in 2020? Or is there even such thing as "privacy" anymore? The possible answers scare me bad enough to regret ever having asked the question.

   
Annnnnnnnnd... on that happy note, I'm off to bed. Xin Nian Kuai Le and Gong Xi Fa Cai everybody!

After having been to Mardi Gras once in my life, there's a part of me that wants to experience Fat Tuesday again...

Either that, or I just want a piece of King Cake.

When people say mean things about you, it's probably just because they're jealous.

The danger with digging is you don't know you're too deep until you're there.

Just two more days until vacation.

Assuming I don't kill myself from trying to get all my work done before then.

Because you just know that everybody wants one no matter how much they deny it...

   
Hope your April Fool's Day is a happy one!

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

I've been thinking a lot about pie recently.

It all started when I went through the McDonald's drive-thru last week and wanted something to eat with my French fries. As I read through the menu looking for non-meat options, I landed on the McDonald's apple pie and felt my heart sink. McDonalds' apple pie sucks ass. Compared to my grandmother's apple pie, all apple pies suck ass... but McDonald's is a new low in apple pie suckage. Especially since they switched to their awful "baked" pies in 1992. Prior to that, their pies at least had the benefit of a crispy goodness that can only come from deep-fat-frying.

I ended up getting a OREO Cookie McFlurry with my fries because I just couldn't handle the disappointment.

But my longing for deep-fried fast-food pie has lingered.

Mostly because I know that most foreign countries have McDonalds that serve fried pies. I've had fried McPie in Hong Kong, France, Italy, Japan, Ireland, Spain, and other countries too. Never mind that McDonalds was Made in America, foreign countries get the good pie.

Why Americans suffer in silence.

BUT I CAN BE SILENT NO MORE! I WANT FRIED McPIE BACK IN AMERICA!!

I don't care about health care reform or tax spending or national debt or any of that long-term crap anymore. All I care about is fried McPies for the American people NOW.

I realize that McDonald's probably started baking their pies out of some kind of misguided attempt to create something healthier to eat... but people don't go to McDonalds to eat healthy, and they certainly don't order pie for the health benefits. So let's cut all the pretentious bullshit and people what they want.

McDonalds owes us that much.

McDonalds owes us fried McPie.

Roger Ebert, one of the very few movie critics I respect, a writer I admire, and one of the most fascinating people on the planet, recently wrote a column on his blog stating Video Games Can Never Be Art. Since I've made artistic contributions to a couple of video games, I was tempted to dismiss the article outright. But it's Ebert, so I am compelled to consider his premise. Then Livvy Collette wrote a nice rebuttal that touched on why I can't agree with Ebert's conclusion: there's such a huge amount of creativity involved in crafting a good video game that they can't help but be art.

Which brings us to this immutable fact:

I love my Weighted Companion Cube from the video game Portal more than most people I meet.

Sure it's wacky, improbable, and borderline psychotic... but it's also inexplicably true.

Because not only is my Weighted Companion Cube just a "character" from a video game... it's also an inanimate object from a video game. Yet, the artists at Valve have created a fully realized environment so involving that it causes an emotional response from me towards it. And while I'll be the first to admit that this feeling is not as powerful as the one I get from looking at a painting like Starry Night or watching a film like Cinema Paradiso or reading a book like Jonathan Livingston Seagull or standing in a structure like St. Peter's Basilica... it's still the kind of reaction I get when exposed to a work of all-encompassing art.

Portal is also a lot of fun, which is just a bonus.

The thing that makes art so fascinating is that it is ever-changing and cannot be easily defined. Many of the things we know as "art" today would have been inconceivable a century ago. Or, if not inconceivable, certainly not defined as "art." I once went to a gallery installation where a room was fitted with video screens on the walls and electronic sensors in the floor. The sensors calculated the combined weight of all the people standing in the room, ran the data through a mathematical formula, then displayed beautiful graphics on the wall accordingly. If there were few people in the room, the graphics would be serene. As more people entered, the displays became more chaotic. I accepted the room as artistic expression, even though I had reservations as to the premise (the number of people is easily skewed... twenty small children register as fewer people, three NFL linebackers register as more). Everything in the room was created (albeit dynamically) to affect the senses, perhaps even provoke a reaction. Just like a video game.

Just like art.

And if technology keeps progressing, eventually virtual reality will involve people within the simulation creating art that only exists inside a computer. Thus making a video game out of life. The ultimate artistic expression.

In the end, no one person can define what is... or is not... art. That's because art is subjective and not quantifiable. Art is something you feel. Art is something you sense. Art is something you believe.

Art is in the eye of the beholder.

And lest you think that my opinion is flawed because of my admitted video game psychosis, I would be remiss not to disclose that my Weighted Companion Cube agrees with me completely.

It's Earth Day tomorrow! You should love the Earth for the day. As for me, I Love the Earth every day!

It's just most of the people on the Earth I don't love so much.

Except you.

I totally love you.

Every once in a while don't you wish you could say "screw the rules" and do something quasi-insane just to break free from the mundane confines of everyday life? Stop the world and do something a little bit crazy so you can feel alive again? Not care what anybody else thinks and do something odd and disconcerting just for the heck of it? Ignore what you're supposed to do and instead do what you want to do?

Yeah, me neither.

   
Well, except for today.

Today that was all I could think about. Guess it's a good thing I'm flying away for the weekend.

My burrito just asploded in the microwave.

It seems like a good enough reason to reevaluate my life.

And so I'm sitting here trying to type up self-analytical prose while eating my blowed-up burrito dinner and watching The Godfather: Part II on television (NO, FREDO! DON'T GO OUT ON THE LAKE!). I'd say it's an illuminating experience, but that would be a lie. There's only so much enlightenment you can get out of a burrito, and I've seen the Godfather trilogy so many times that nothing new is coming out of there unless I get a lobotomy...

   
Which would be great, because how awesome would it be to get to watch The Godfather for the first time again?

And now... dessert!

Tonight's dessert will consist of a giant spoonful of Betty Crocker vanilla frosting...

Delicious!

Needless to say, I'm giving me high marks on my life reevaluation.

You would think that I'd be indifferent to packing a suitcase by now. I pack suitcases all year long, and have been doing so for almost two decades. On top of that, I have packing down to a science, with dozens of items pre-packed and ready to go. I can get ready for a trip of most any length in minutes if I have to (it happens). But none of this matters, because whenever I have to pack a suitcase, I go into fits of dread and loathing. I hate packing.

And it doesn't matter if I'm getting ready for an awesome vacation either. Nothing can make me happy about packing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack my f#@&ing suitcase...

I don't know why, but I'd just as soon not have banjo music with my dinner...

Even so, it's pretty hard to ruin a good macaroni & cheese.

A good start to the weekend...

Deja Vu...

I don't feel much like blogging today.

I do feel like dancing, however.

I'm suffering from Patatjes Met withdrawals (which, for the uninitiated, is Dutch fries with mayo). And, since I won't be returning to the Netherlands until September, it's going to be a loooooooong three months.

In the meanwhile, I'm eating a lot of toast. Delicious toast with butter. It doesn't work.

So I've tried waffles. Freshly baked waffles with whipped cream. It's not helping.

Even my favorite, chocolate pudding, has failed to fill the void left by Patatjes Met...

I suppose this is how cocaine addiction starts...

   
P.S. If you love Dutch-style mayo too, there's a FaceBook Fan Page you can join!

In celebration of Pride Month for all my GLBT friends, welcome to an all-gay edition of Bullet Sunday!

   
• Icky. Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is being more stupid and intolerant than usual, which shouldn't surprise me... but somehow does. Because just when you think there's a limit as to how ignorant somebody could possibly get, they come along with something new to prove you wrong. In an interview in The New Yorker today, Huckabee unleashed such gems as "Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same." — And yet, against all odds and despite their "biological incompatibility," gays manage to have lasting, meaningful, committed relationships just fine. Which leaves us with the real reason Huckabee opposes homosexuality... it's "icky." Well you stupid fucking tool, I feel that eating meat is "icky" so does that give me justification for forcing my personal vegetarian beliefs on the entire country? So much for the Land of the Free... where you're free just so long as Mike Huckabee doesn't feel the freedoms you choose to enjoy are icky.

   
• NOH8. I am happy to see that the NOH8 Campaign shows no signs of slowing down, and has released a beautiful new advertisement which shows that support for marriage equality is universal...

I couldn't agree more...

I hope I live to see a day where people are afforded the right to be who they are and love who they choose. The inhumanity of consenting adults being told their love is worthless and undeserving of marriage is a disgusting violation of personal liberty that sickens me to my very core.

   
• Platform. Heaven only knows I love Texas, but the latest turd crapped out of the ass of the Texas Republican Party has laid a stench over the entire state. It's a stunning 25-page platform summary which advocates everything from rescinding the USA's membership in The United Nations and opposing a worldwide currency, to eliminating hate-crime legislation and banning legalization of sodomy (i.e. no marriage for you, gay blasphemers!). It's a largely entertaining (if not outright hysterical) read... that totally scares the crap out of me. Given the massive anti-gay stance of the Texas Republican Party, I am fully expecting a massive number of homosexual scandals to rock the organization any minute now, as history has thus far shown.

   
• 20/20. Today's word in the TWENTY/TWENTY meme is "panic." Fortunately, this is an easy word to work into today's gay-themed Bullet Sunday, because it encapsulates so nicely the opposition to gay rights...

These people are so terrified of anybody who is different from them... so horrified at the existence of anything which is contrary to their beliefs... so frightened of that which challenges their weak faith... that they live in a constant state of panic. Unfortunately, it's a panic they are unwilling to keep to themselves, as these photos from Philly Pride 2008 so readily show.

   
• Fight. When it comes to equality, there isn't much more for me to say above what I've already said...

...except keep fighting the good fight, my friends!

   
And now I suppose I had better get to bed since I have another bone-crushing 18-hour day ahead of me again tomorrow.

Today I had a very difficult decision to make and, even though I believe I made the correct one, it's been haunting me all through my day. And, I'm guessing, my night. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to shy away from the tough decisions, but sometimes living with the consequences isn't easy, even when you're right. Especially when you're right. Because then somebody else is wrong.

And there's always another side. There's always another story. There's always another shoe on the other foot.

You just have to hope it doesn't come back to kick you in the ass.

Especially if the other shoe is a steel-toed work boot.

In any event, somebody's life is going to get easier. Somebody else's life is going to get considerably more difficult. MY life has decided to not think about it and go get chocolate-almond ice cream...

Well, I'll go tomorrow. Who eats ice cream at 11:00 at night?!?

Oh... that's right...

Technically, I shouldn't be here.

My genetic predisposition for poor eyesight should have rendered me helpless in the face of nature and eliminated me from the gene pool a long time ago. But the advent of civilized society (and contact lenses) made it possible for the physically challenged such as myself to not only survive in life... but excel.

The problem is that the same society which allows the ocularly-challenged to thrive, also allows the mentally-challenged to run for President of the United States of America... eventually...

Now, before I get lynched for playing sexist, partisan politics here, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that I have actually defended Sarah Palin in the past. For the most part, I think she is treated unfairly by the press and those outside her fan-base. She is crucified for even the most innocent mistakes, which I think is pretty pathetic. Mostly because it distracts from bigger issues with respect to her deplorable politics, but that's just me. Yes, she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but she's made the most of what smarts and charisma she has, and gone farther than most people could ever dream of. That demands some measure of respect, regardless of how you feel about Sarah Palin, her history, her beliefs, or her political positions (assuming you can understand what they are this week).

Today was a typical example of exactly the type of ruthless douchbaggery that people unleash when Sarah Palin makes a minor mistake on Twitter...

Now, first of all, you have to remember that Twitter only gives her 140 characters to make her point. It's a restriction even the smartest person has to struggle with, and often results in bizarre grammar and stupid TXT-SPEAK style abbreviations. So when Sarah Palin was expressing her dismay at the idea of a mosque being built near Ground Zero, it's understandable that it's going to be questionably phrased. But it's the fact that she misspelled "repudiate" that caused most of the Twitterverse to lose their mind.

Not the fact that she apparently thinks all Muslims are responsible for 9/11 and would defile the ground with their mere presence. And, if you claim to be a peaceful Muslim, you'll agree with her.

But whatever. I'm a certified, MENSA-level genius, and I make an occasional spelling mistake on Twitter. It's easy to do when you're typing on a frickin' PHONE for heaven's sake! And even if she didn't know it was pronounced/spelled "repudiate," is it really worth such venom? People knew what she meant. I mean, jeez, give Sarah Palin a frickin' break! All she had to do was make a followup-Tweet once the error was pointed out to her and say "Oops, that should have been 'repudiate' in that last Tweet!" and it would have been all good.

Instead she deleted the Tweet and reposted it with entirely different phrasing. Fair enough. That happens all the time, I'm sure. But the Twitterverse wouldn't leave it alone. They kept making fun of her for using a non-word, and she finally decided to address it...

   
Annnnnd... there's no way for me to defend that flash of brilliance.

What a fucking idiot.

So, I guess what she's saying here is that when you are ignorant as to a word's spelling and/or meaning and/or existence... just make shit up. Because that's what Shakespeare did!*

Something tells me she won't be running as "The Education Candidate" come 2012.

Call me an elitist snob, but I feel our leaders should be trying to elevate language and encourage people to express themselves well. Not make shit up and be illiterate. Especially when you are advocating English as this country's "National Language," because anything less would make you a hypocritical douchebag.

But that's pretty much how I see Sarah Palin in a nutshell. Crap like this only confirms it.

I am totally ready for a woman to become president.

But please don't let it be this vapid joke.

   
   
*On the contrary, Shakespeare was a master of the English language, used the largest vocabulary of any English writer in history, and consistently penned his words in clever and exciting ways. When scholars of the Shakespearean Era did add words to the English language, they were built from linguistic roots in other languages (like Latin)... or otherwise crafted with some semblance of reason and intelligence. They didn't just pull a new word from their ass out of ignorance. Especially when there's already a word with that meaning in existence! To imply otherwise is just plain stupid. But you knew that already.

When captured by the enemy, soldiers are advised to sleep and eat whenever they can because they never know when either (or both) might be denied them.

While I would never compare my job to being a prisoner of war, the above advice has come in handy from time to time with my work (See? Graphic designers have it rough, people!). Well, not the food part, but definitely the sleep deprivation. I don't sleep that much to begin with, but when you're on-call for 31 hours straight and are guaranteed to be called to the job site several times... well, even a little sleep is hard to come by. So I grab an hour here and 20 minutes there, and try to be sane and somewhat comprehensible when reporting for duty.

But the real trick is getting rested enough that you feel comfortable driving. It's one thing to be sleep-walking on the job... it's quite another to be sleep-driving in a car.

Especially when you're in rural Georgia where wild deer love prancing around the roadways.

Last night on the way to Waffle House for a midnight dinner, a deer was standing in the middle of a dark country road with a 55 MPH speed limit. Even though I was driving just under 50 MPH because it was so dark, this still necessitated my slamming on the brakes to avoid getting a venison hood ornament. The deer, however, wasn't impressed and wandered off at a leisurely pace (Darwinism takes a vacation!).

On the way back, I had slowed to 45 MPH "just in case" and nearly hit TWO deer crossing that same road. Quick braking and a hard swerve avoided tragedy, but left me with an adrenaline rush which made getting any kind of sleep impossible for the next several hours.

But don't worry. When my job finally ended this afternoon, I managed to get three whole hours sleep before hacking together this blog entry, so I guess I'm back to normal again. Or as normal as a person can be who is an insomniac that craves human blood.

I should totally be a vampire.

Or, more appropriately, a zombie vampire!

A zombie vampire that eats deer who stand in the road!

Guess I should pack my suitcase now, seeing as how I'm leaving early tomorrow morning and all...

Reading back through my blog entries these past couple weeks, I'm reminded just how unlucky a traveler I am. Anything that could possibly go wrong, usually does go wrong. Delayed flights? Check. Missed flights? Check. Cancelled flights? Check. Lost luggage? Check. Vomiting co-passengers? Check. Whatever horrible thing you can think of? Check. Been there, done that. Many times.

Why me?

But through all the pain and suffering, at least I could take solace in the knowledge that those two crazy kids Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston finally got back together and will be married at last!

But then... BLAM! Just minutes later, they're separated again and the wedding has been called off!

Why me?

Oh well. At least I still have the marriage of Herpes Simplex One and Herpes Simplex Two to reignite my faith in humanity and maintain my peace and happiness in the face of adversity!

What? What's that?

Son of a bitch! Not Spencer and Heidi too?!?

Why me?

What have I done to deserve this?

After my non-stop battle with misfortune, I have come to the only possible conclusion: God is totally messing with me...

I wish He would unleash His "Divine Love" on somebody else for a while.

P.S. Any resemblance between myself and The Almighty is purely intentional.

   
In other non-theological news... why is it that every company seems to have shitty customer service anymore?

For reasons unknown, I started receiving paper bills in the mail from Charter Cable a couple months ago. It's a mystery because I set up automated payments and paperless billing. Usually, I just ignore the statements when they arrive, but thought I'd open the one that wasn't as thick as a usual bill. Turns out it's a past due notice. So I call to find out what the hell is going wrong, and am told that they don't know... sometimes automated payments don't go through. But they verify my account is correct and volunteer to credit the late fee on my next bill (apparently they can't credit on the bill they fucked up on)... but only IF I pay my late balance immediately.

Except I can't pay for their screw-up with the service rep I'm already on the phone with unless I pay $1.99 fee.

Yes, that's right. THEY fuck up and I have to pay for it.

Except I'd rather never watch television again than pay for their bullshit, so I use their crappy automated system.

I'd use their website, but it won't let me login.

I'm guessing God has a part-time job on the web development team at Charter Cable.

What other possible conclusion could there be?

Today was a good-news/slash/bad-news kind of day.

Fortunately, the good news slightly outweighs the bad, so I'm just going to run with that.

I supose somebody has to...

I've said many times that I'd rather be too warm than too cool. Probably because I've been miserable more often from cold than from heat. Getting frostbite when I was young didn't help.

Except now I'm ready to change my mind. The temperature this past week has been outrageously hot. Not Sahara Desert hot, but hot. Not Phoenix hot, but hot. So hot that my air conditioner can't keep up.

Stupid air conditioner.

My previous place had Central Air, which I now realize is the most amazing thing in the universe. With Central Air, the sweet, cool, air conditioning reaches every room. With a regular air conditioner, this is not the case. My living room and kitchen are comfortable. But by the time the air reached my bedroom it's all warm again. Which means I now refer to my bedroom as Disco Inferno... but not in a good way.

I worry that I may burst into flame at any moment...

   
Now is probably not the best time to worry whether or not my underpants are flame retardant.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning because I had work that needed to get done. It was an unavoidable consequence of all the technical difficulties that plagued me yesterday. Needless to say, it made for a very long day today.

Now that it's over and it's pushing midnight, all I want to do is sleep.

Or maybe write a blog entry.

Nah, I wanna sleep...

So if you will excuse me, I am going to crawl into a box of Advil PM and pass out now.

In ancient Egypt, kings would keep track of how many enemies had been killed in their name by being presented with piles of severed hands and penises from their vanquished foes (hopefully after they've been killed). We know this because there are carvings and hieroglyphics in temples recording the gruesome tradition...

The genius of this is that there's no room for error. If you tell your king that you killed 50 of his enemies, then you had better be prepared to pull out 100 severed hands or 50 severed penises to prove it. Otherwise... well, it may just be that it's your hands or penis served up to the king.

Nasty, sure, but... you can't make good decisions unless you can trust on the information you're getting.

And therein lies the problem with the world today. When images can be Photoshopped, video can be fabricated, and audio can be edited or changed completely... how can anybody trust that the information they're getting is accurate? How can you make decisions when everything has the potential to be a lie and any proof which substantiates "the facts" can be faked? Heck, you can't even trust what you read on the internets!

This has been weighing on my mind a lot lately because of the upcoming November elections. Since I don't blindly vote along party lines, and cast my ballot based solely on how I feel the candidate will benefit me... or people I care about... it seems impossible to make an educated choice. Because when it comes to desception, exaggeration, and even outright lies, politicians are the absolute masters. They will do or say whatever it takes to get them elected, and then spend their entire term in office trying to get re-elected for next term. Even if it means going back on campaign promises or flip-flopping on their track record.

Case in point? President Barrack Obama. Not that I had any grand illusions that he would be different than any other politician... far from it... but I fully admit I was hoping for more than I got when voted for him. Granted, he's still a far less dangerous option than hypocritical ass-hole traitor whack-job John McCain and his beyond stupid dumbass VP choice Sarah Palin, but still... very disappointing.

Health care reform? Eviscerated. Prescription drug imports? Scuttled. Don't ask don't tell repeal and support for the GLBT community? Fantasy. Public debate before bills become laws? Nope. Political lobbyist reform? Fat chance. Government transparency? An outright lie. Etc. Etc. Obama is working so hard not to rock the boat and make everybody happy that he's dodging, caving, or compromising on the issues I was voting for him to fix. As I said, no big surprise, but disappointing nevertheless. Such is politics.

So what to do?

Well, until I get proof that's equal in veracity to severed hands and penises as to a candidate's intentions... all I can do is research whatever I can and pick the one whom I feel is the lesser evil...

Not a perfect system, but neither is the political process.

And does anybody really want a pile of severed penises showing up on their doorstep?

It's time for Bullet Sundayyy! It's time for Bullet Sundayyy!

   
• Sharktopus! As a fan of stupid crappy horror movies, I was ecstatic when SyFy Channel (the queen of stupid crappy horror movies) announced SHARKTOPUS!!!

Well, the movie finally debuted last night, and I am happy to say that it was indeed so unbelievably stupid and crappy that it's raised bad television to an entirely new level of awesome. I can't wait for the Director's Cut Extended Special Edition Blu-Ray release!

   
• Elmo! Yes, it was a little odd that Katy Perry decided to wear a very low-cut dress so she could stick her boobs in Elmo's face for an appearance on Sesame Street. But Katy Perry is Katy Perry, so what can you do...

That being said, whoever it was at Children's Television Workshop (now called "Sesame Workshop"... the production company behind Sesame Street) who decided to leak the video on YouTube is a complete genius. Not only do they get a preview of the reaction that the clip will receive, but they get free publicity for the show with millions of YouTube hits. Well, to the surprise of NOBODY, people across the country lost their minds over the thought that children might be exposed to Katy's cleavage, so her appearance was canceled. Heaven only knows how these puritanical nutjobs react when taking their kids to a pool or the beach. As usual, the young children they are so desperate to protect probably wouldn't even understand they're looking at something "dirty" and it's the ADULT REACTION that MAKES it "dirty" and damages their kids, but whatever. I still think it was kind of cute.

   
• Beheaded. I received a comment while I was on vacation asking me if I had changed the DaveToons that rotate randomly across the tops of all Blogography pages. Apparently they hadn't seen their favorite header in a while, and wanted to know what happened. The answer is YES! I replaced all of the old "flat color" DaveToons with newer "shaded color" DaveToons a couple months ago. Thanks for noticing!

8 old ones were kept, 2 were updated, and 40 were replaced. If your favorite is gone, I'm sorry... maybe it will come back one day. But the good news is that all the old headers have been archived from the past five years so you can look at them whenever you like...

• Headers 2005-2007
• Headers 2008-2010
• Headers 2010-????

   
• TV Scorecard. For anybody who cares, I've put a quick rundown of the new shows for the 2010-2011 season with my score (based on their first episode) in an extended entry. For everybody else, I'll see you tomorrow when we're back to the daily grind...

And a good time was had by all.

P.S. I looked completely awesome tonight.

I just got done watching the live video stream of Apple's special event: BACK TO THE MAC and jotted down some observations. But, since I've already posted today, you'll be seeing them a day late. And FYI, my notes are in reverse chronological order...

MACBOOK AIR!

The new MacBook Air is thin. Shockingly thin. Razor thin. So thin that my only remark about it on Twitter (other than "OH GAWD I WANT ONE SO BAD!") was "Wow, you could seriously cut a bitch with the new MacBook Air!"...

This is awesome on a number of levels. But mostly because you could use it as a weapon if the need should arise. Like meeting Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore on the street and needing something to decapitate him with...

Of course I am dying to own one. For the frequent traveler, it's tiny size and miniscule weight is a dream come true. Unfortunately, it's just not "enough" of a Mac for me to justify buying one. Even maxed out, the speed and storage aren't in the ballpark I need to get my work done.

And yet... I still covet the dang thing.

   
MAC OS X LION!

The real magic behind the Mac is the Mac OS X operating system. The previous OS update, "Snow Leopard" made the Mac faster, friendlier, and even more reliable, but added few new features. The next OS release, "Lion" (slated for release in Summer of next year) builds on this with some interesting and cool new features, a few of which were shared with us at the event...

The idea here is to take some of the things that Apple learned from creating the iPhone's iOS and bring those features "back to the Mac." To sum up... The OS X APP STORE is nice because it makes managing your applications so much easier. Not that it's all that difficult now, but updates are sure better the iPhone way. Of course, that doesn't mean much if companies like Adobe and Microsoft choose not to use it. LAUNCHPAD brings the elegant and easy iOS app launcher to the Mac. I like the look of it quite a lot, though don't know how critical a feature it really is. FULL-SCREEN is a simple technology that makes the current app fill the screen completely. It dovetails nicely with the growing trend of making app interfaces go full-screen. MISSION CONTROL is the feature I am most happy about. It brings several separate technologies (like Exposé, Spaces, and Dashboard) under a single interface (shown in the image above). It's pretty slick, and will make working between apps much more fluid and easy.

Sadly, none of these features are really blowing my skirt up. They're just nice refinements and borderline unnecessary trinkets that aren't really revolutionary in any way. Don't get me wrong... evolution is nice too... but nothing here inspires confidence that Apple is spending many resources developing for Mac anymore (iPhone leftovers?). Granted, there's a lot of time between now and next summer and many things can change or be added, but overall I am pretty "meh" about Lion after this presentation.

   
FACETIME!

Apple made video conferencing dead-simple in the latest iteration of iOS for iPhone and iPod Touch. It's fast, easy, fun, and highly addictive. But there's two problems. 1) It doesn't work over cellular networks, you must have wifi available to use it. 2) You can't talk to people on Macs or PC's, even if they have a video camera. Well, #2 is finally being addressed...

No client for Windows or Linux or other mobile platforms yet, but since FaceTime is supposedly an "open" platform, I'm sure they'll come soon. Still waiting for being able to FaceTime on my iPhone over 3G. Hopefully one day. In the meanwhile, 3G alternatives are starting to appear. Apple better step it up. Soon. Or bitch-slap AT&T if they're the problem here.

   
iLIFE '11!

The first "new" thing that Apple decided to talk about was their spectacular "iLife" suite of digital lifestyle applications. It comes free with every new Mac, and you can upgrade to the newest 2011 version for just $49... which is astounding if you stop to consider what you get for your money. All the new features are fantastic, once again bringing professional results with minimal effort and an even more minimal learning curve...

   
MACINTOSH!

The event started out with a lot of talk about the "State of the Mac" and how it's rated #1 in everything... customer satisfaction, support, reliability, usability, blah blah blah. Basically, all the things that makes me buy a Mac in the first place. It was a nice segue into the true highlight of this segment... and yet another area where Apple is clearly #1 around the world: Retail. They have some of the most beautiful, jaw-dropping, amazing stores you'll ever see, both inside and out. During the event, they showed off a few of their latest...

They're all so very different, yet equally stunning. If you have time to kill, I highly highly recommend clicking through their list of stores at Apple.com. So many incredible architectural wonders to be seen.

   
I'd say "the end" but since this is in reverse order, I gues this is "the beginning?"

Regardless, way to go Apple!

I am thinking that I have somehow acquired the power of invisibility.

Here is a series of tweets that I sent out YESTERDAY...

I was joking about buying a gun, Buddhist precepts forbid me from owning one, but now I'm wishing I had bought the damn thing. Because today as I was crossing the street, I was actually hit while crossing at a crosswalk with a full-on WALK signal giving me the right of way. This is the SECOND time that I've been dropped while crossing the street (the first time was Chicago, which I wrote about here).

Thanks to my previous incident, I don't charge out into the street when the light turns to WALK... I wait a second to be sure nobody is running a light, THEN start walking. But it didn't matter, I still got nailed. And I never saw the car coming. I think they ran a red light, because I don't recall a car exiting the parking lot beside me... but they very well could have zoomed out and I didn't notice. I was a good three steps into the street when the Honda Element suddenly appeared in front of me. I'm thinking the passenger-side mirror grazed me, then I twisted so that the left-side of my upper body hit the car. I then tried to twist away from the vehicle, but my foot was planted, so all I did was end up twisting my ankle and pulling muscles in my leg and back.

One more step into the crosswalk and I would have been seriously injured.

Or dead.

I stood in the middle of the street and screamed at her to stop, but she didn't stop.

I then hobbled across the street and ran down the sidewalk to catch up to her as she came to a stop at another light. First I took a photo of her license plate (SURPRISE! It was a vanity plate!), then I started screaming at her again while waving my arms. She never even looked at me. I have no idea if she saw me or was just ignoring me, but she drove off the minute that light turned green...

I don't get it.

Whether she broke the law and ran a red light to nail me or not... it just doesn't matter. She wasn't fucking paying attention. She's speeding along in a 3500-pound death-mobile and didn't even check to see if there was somebody in the crosswalk as she barreled through. I don't think she was texting on a mobile phone, but she was definitely distracted by something.

Whatever. if somebody can't focus well enough while driving... or if they just don't give a fuck... they have no business being on the road in the first place. Did I mention that I could have ended up dead?

So I reported her to the police. First I emailed the photo. Then I went to the station and filed a verbal report. Then I sent a follow-up email to the officer in charge of my case with a written statement, photos, and a map. In the past I've just screamed and posted some profanity-laden tweets when somebody tries to perform vehicular manslaughter on my ass. But not this time. Because this is getting insane. I mean, seriously, TWICE IN TWO DAYS?!? It's no longer safe to be a pedestrian on the street! It doesn't matter how careful you are or whether you use crosswalks and follow signal lights. It just doesn't matter. Every time you're near a street without a vehicle protecting you, you're nothing more than a moving target waiting to be hit...

This is not rocket science. Operating a motor vehicle requires your total attention. If you're not willing to devote that kind of energy into being safe on the road, then DON'T FUCKING DRIVE! Otherwise, it's only a matter of time before you kill or seriously injure somebody.

And it will probably be me.

Today is why I ask people to keep me away from sharp objects...

A few more like this and it won't be a matter of if I end up on a psychopathic rampage, but when.

It's a Very Special Halloween Edition of Bullet Sunday!

This year I've decided to put my bullets to good use and run a Bullet Sunday Countdown of the Halloween costumes I am most afraid of having show up at my door...

• #1) David Caruso...

• #2) Glenn Beck...

• #3) Sarah Palin...

• #4) Bill O'Reilly...

• #5) Rush Limbaugh...

• #6) Judge Judy...

• #7) Avitable...

   
I was going to put CLOWNS on the list, but that's obviously a given.

Become too self-absorbed, and it's only a matter of time before somebody comes along and kicks you in the nuts.

You probably deserve it.

Daylight Saving Time is such a crock of shit.

I left work at 5:30pm. It was pitch black. WHERE'S MY FUCKING DAYLIGHT NOW? Gone, thanks to it being Not-Daylight-Savings-Time.

I have to say... even though I have given up all hope of President Obama being able to get any shit done now that he's going to have to spend every waking hour of every fucking day battling the Republican-dominated House of Representatives to solve this country's problems... I would forgive everything if he would just abolish this fucked up shit of having to dick with our clocks twice a year. Surely this is a bipartisan issue if there ever was one? Everywhere I go, people are bitching about how stupid Daylight Saving Time is. You'd think every fucking House Representative and every fucking Senator and every fucking douchebag politician in the entire fucking country would be onboard. It's about the only thing they can do now which would be embraced by the majority of the fucking population who's out there in the dark AT FIVE-O-CLOCK...

I'm in a really bad mood, so I probably should stop this entry before things really get out of hand.

Except...

I've just read a very disturbing article over at Ars where they're talking about the new mandatory procedures for airport security. People still have the option of skipping the "backscatter" and "millimeter wave" scanners at airports if they're too modest for that kind of exposure. If you don't know what one of those scans looks like, I transferred my last scan to a USB Memory Stick and smuggled it out of airport security...

Of course I was wearing my MC Hammer Pants at the time (they're so comfortable for traveling!), so I had a certain amount of embarrassment built-in, but still... I don't want to go through THAT again.

So I think that I'll opt for the new-and-improved "Crotch-Invasive-Super-Pat-Down" instead...

Nothing like a free hand-job to relax you before a long flight. Thank you Transportation Security Administration!

Happy Veteran's Day!

To all those now serving... to those who have served... to those who will serve... thank you from a grateful nation.

I often try to imagine my life without consequences or responsibilities.

And millions of dollars.

I'm sure this is no different from everybody else in the world with an active imagination, but it makes me feel special to think that I'm the only one who would know how to do it right...

   
If anybody would like for me to test this theory for reals, please forward a couple million dollars to my PayPal account.

Tonight I couldn't decide what to eat for dinner so I made waffles. They were tasty.

That was the most interesting part of my day.

In many ways I'm okay with my total lack of excitement this fine Thursday because tomorrow I'll be traveling all day, and we all know what an adventure that can be.

In the meanwhile, it's just waffles...

Waffles and dreams. Waffles and dreams.

Today was declared "No Fly Day" by some ass-hats who think that punishing the airlines for something they have no control over is a good way to send a message to the TSA. Evidently, somebody finally told them that this was pretty fucking stupid, so they changed tactics and "No Fly Day" became "Opt-Out Day" where everybody is supposed to decline being scanned by the new intrusive airport scanners which display your junk on TV. Instead, we're supposed to opt-in for the new heavy-petting pat-down where the TSA makes sweet, sweet love to your fun zones. Personally, I don't see this as an upgrade, but hey... whatever floats your boat.

When I was flying out of Atlanta this morning, the TSA was indeed using the new intrusive porn-o-vision scanners. Fortunately I didn't have to choose between making a porno and getting a hand-job, because I was not selected for scanning, but I can honestly say I don't know what I would have done if I had. Probably opt for the heavy-petting, because a moment of embarrassment is moderately more preferable to getting a potentially dangerous dose of radiation in my eye-balls and testicle-balls.

It's not that I am opposed to security measures which make us safer when flying. On the contrary... if I thought a shot of radiation to my balls and a sensual massage would make us safer, then by all means sign me up for both!

The problem is that neither does shit to make us safer.

Since my previous attempt at explaining why was confusing because I was vague, this time I'll spell it out with pictures. For the sake of argument, let's say that the TSA decided that both a porn show and a crotch-rub were now required to fly...

   
Now, clearly this is an exaggeration (they'd never let a monkey fly unaccompanied), but my points here are these...

1. Weapons can be made undetectable by X-ray or scanners. Everything from ceramic blades to polymer resin-cast hand-guns exist. They're here, they're real, get used to it.
2. Never underestimate what a terrorist would be willing to shove up their ass for a cause.

In other words... THESE NEW PROCEDURES ARE FUCKING BULLSHIT DUMBASSERY, AND WHOEVER IS MAKING THESE INSANELY EXPENSIVE AND INEFFECTIVE DECISIONS SHOULD BE PUNCHED IN THE FACE THEN KICKED THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR JOB!! I'm so not kidding. I can only guess that the idiots who set these polices own stock in intrusive scanner companies, or are getting some kind of massive kick-back from them. Nothing else makes any sense.

People are quick to say "If there was ever another terrorist attack, then you'd be screaming that the TSA didn't do enough... at least they're trying to keep us safe! To which I say "bullshit."

BULL. SHIT.

In my humble (ha!) opinion, the question should be "What happens when another terrorist attack occurs because some morons smuggled a couple pounds of plastique explosives up their asses and it wasn't detected by intrusive scanners (which don't penetrate skin, apparently) or getting felt-up? You've blown your totally-ineffective safety wad, so what then?"

Look, metal detectors and private screenings (when warranted) are basic security measures that I don't have any argument with. Even though they can be thwarted rather easily by somebody who is intent on thwarting them, they probably discourage general dumbassery, so fine. Go ahead and take our bottles of water and look at my shoes in an X-ray machine. Really, knock yourselves out. But until somebody can prove to me that these ridiculously stupid "enhanced security measures" are worth the cost, inconvenience, violation, embarrassment, and time... then what the fuck?

Until then, I understand people's frustration with the stupidity we're being forced to endure, and support thoughtful, respectful objections when directed to the place they're deserved.

Which does not include the TSA agent employees who are just doing their fucking jobs.

To wit...

After clearing Atlanta security in a mere 20 minutes (way to go ATL!), I gathered up my stuff and wandered off looking for Auntie Anne's Pretzels (she's in Terminal A, if you're curious). As I was walking back to my gate hoping that the crack-cocaine they put in the pretzels to make them so darn addictive wasn't at a dangerous level, I overheard a woman going off about how the TSA agents are all just a bunch of disgusting perverts and "gate rapists." This had me curious, so I followed her for a bit (I had two hours to kill) so I could listen to her ranting. After I had finally had enough, I resisted the urge to explain a few things to her...

1. Your run-of-the-mill TSA agents didn't get together one day and decide they want to touch people's junk. They're just doing what their job requires of them. Somebody way, waaaayyyy above their pay-grade is making those decisions.
2. If you were to ask each and every TSA agent whether they liked having to perform the "enhanced security measures," I'd bet you the vast, vast, majority of them would say "no." They take enough shit from people as it is, and who wants to be around radioactive shit at their job-site?
3. While I'm sure you can find perverts in just about any line of work, any TSA agent getting off on rubbing another person's privates in a public place would surely... surely... eventually reveal themselves and be discharged. I mean, if the TSA guy rubbing my junk were saying "Yeah. Yeah, baby. How do you like it? Do you like my hand there?" — I would obviously complain. I'd do more than complain. I would pitch a shit-fit so huge the entire airport would have to shut the fuck down. I think just about anybody would (well, unless that guy playing with my junk was very good with his hands... who am I to pass up a free hand-job from our government?).
4. Yeah, accidents will happen. Sometimes a TSA agent might accidentally brush past an area that they didn't intend to... or they're lose their balance while frisking... or you'll just have a larger than average penis and they didn't know what they were getting into... shit happens. But to brand all of them "perverts" because of an accident is just fucking lame. Everybody makes mistakes. TSA agents are human just like you and me.
5. Please, please, please stop calling the enhanced security measures "Gate Rape"... yes, I know it sounds funny, but it is really insensitive and disrespectful to victims of actual rape. Remember that rape is a horrendous act of violation and violence, and you simply cannot compare that to somebody just trying to earn a living in a way that's uncomfortable for everybody involved... even if you consider it a violation of your privacy (which it actually is).

In the end, I don't know what the answer is. As should be obvious, I am fully against these stupid new "enhanced security measures" which do nothing to better keep us safe. Since I travel a lot, I don't want to expose myself to radiation whenever I travel... no matter how small the amount because that shit adds up. And I really don't want some guy feeling around my junk whenever I have to catch a flight. Otherwise I might not care.

But I do. I have to.

There's probably an answer out there somewhere. Maybe it's a new technology we haven't discovered yet. Maybe it's an old technology we can use differently. So let's get to work on that, because this is some seriously important shit. What we shouldn't do is waste our time, privacy, and money on the crap that doesn't work.

Like porn shows and erotic massage.

Which is not nearly as much fun as it sounds (in this case, anyway) and should be stopped.

Like yesterday.

Despite living with snowy winters most of my life, I can never seem to get used to that first snowfall.

Eventually I become accustomed the weather and it doesn't bother me that much. But today?

In the morning when going to work...

   
At night when going back home...

   
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Why can't they make no-stick snow coatings for cars?

As a television addict, there's three things that make me a homicidal mess.

1) Television networks canceling great shows before they have a chance to find an audience. 2) Television networks moving great shows around so people can't find them, then canceling them because of "low ratings." 3) TELEVISION COMMERCIALS THAT JACK THE VOLUME UP SO LOUD THAT YOUR TEETH ARE BLOWN BACK THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKULL!!

Television advertisers are Grade-A assholes who want to grab your attention at any cost. Even if it means hearing loss. Is it any wonder people want to record shows on their DVR and fast-forward through the crap?

Well, today Congress approved legislation that will hopefully fix this annoying bullshit. The Commercial Advertising Loudness Mitigation (CALM) Act will force advertisers to adopt technology which prevents overly-loud commercials within one year. Now the bill lands on President Obama's desk so he can sign it into law.

And he had better fucking sign it.

If some Hollywood special interest group blows him so he'll take a pass, I will be very disappointed.

Very.

Next up on the bullshit list? DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME!

Well, apparently it's totally winter now.

Don't you hate it when it's snowing so hard that by the time you get to cleaning off the back-end of your car, the front-end where you started is covered in snow again?

Yeah, me too. But that didn't stop this from being my post-work super-fun activity this evening...

Snow blows. But it sucks too. It pretty much sucks and blows.

Which, unfortunately, doesn't cancel each other out as you'd expect it too.

I don't want to live in a universe where stupid snow doesn't adhere to the laws of physics.

This morning on the way to work I stopped by the mini-mart so I could pick up a package Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. For some reason, I woke up craving Reese's, and I knew that I'd spend my entire day being distracted by my desire if I didn't just give in and buy the dang things.

But since it's kind of silly to be eating candy first thing in the morning, I decided to hold off a bit. So I set the Reese's aside and started work. Sure enough, all I could think about all morning was eating those dang peanut butter cups. I finally relented around 10:30 so I could get on with my life...

Except...

The delicious peanut butter centers of my Reese's were dried out. So instead of rich, creamy peanut butter, I ended up with some kind of chalky peanut butter-flavored residue in there. Blech. Now not only did I have to force myself to eat this crummy excuse for a candy bar, I was still craving a good Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

This got me to thinking about Star Trek. Well, not the the REAL Star Trek, but the Captain Picard-infused Next Generation version of Star Trek. On this show they are blessed with an amazing bit of technology awesomeness called a "replicator." You simply tell it what you want, and it materializes it out of thin air...

But that's not even the most amazing part.

When you think about it, the amazing part is that whatever you get out of the replicator is going to be perfect. Every damn time!

Because when they program the thing, they're not going to program it with a crappy cup of hot Earl Grey tea... they're going to program the most amazing fucking cup of hot Earl Grey tea ever made. And that's exactly what you're going to get each and every time. Because, technically, you're getting the SAME cup of tea each time.

And, of course, when they program in Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, they'll program a freshly-made bar right off the line with a flawlessly delicious and creamy center.

The list goes on and on. Ever grab a handful of almonds only to have one of them taste like it's going rancid? Not in Star Trek! Ever take a big bite out of an apple only to find it has water-core and tastes like crap? Not in Star Trek! Ever burn the toast? Not in Star Trek! These people not only know the miracle of getting food to appear out of thin air... they don't know what imperfect food tastes like! Everything they ever eat is sublimely perfect. There's never any nasty surprises.

It's like the most amazing thing ever... consistently perfect food.

After flying cars and lightsabers, I'll take a replicator please.

And a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

There's only so many disappointments you can take in a single day before life kind of loses its luster.

Fortunately I have chocolate pudding to take the edge off or I don't know what I'd do.

Probably cash-in what's left of my retirement and buy chocolate pudding. Costco has 36-count Snack Pack on sale for like $8.50, which means I could probably afford to buy a dozen cases or so. That's enough pudding to take the edge off just about anything. Well, except the fact that my retirement savings is now worth a mere dozen cases of pudding. There's not enough chocolate pudding in the world to take the edge off that...

This kind of circular pudding logic messes with your head.

Ever feel like all you ever do is move side to side... never forward?

Yeah, that's me lately. Or forever. I get those mixed up.

I'm a vegetarian.

Because I'm a vegetarian, I am not a huge fan of McDonald's. The one thing McDonald's made I could eat... the TOTALLY AWESOME McVeggie Deluxe... should have been expanded to every McDonald's in the world. Instead they removed it from the menu at the one place you could get it: the wonderful Times Square McDonald's. Oh well. I still stop by for McFries every once in a while, because they're some of the best fast-food fries you can get. They used to have the best fried pies you can get, but now they have shitty baked pies. Bummer.

Anyway... despite my not being a fan of McDonalds (nor being a fan of the subsidized cheap beef they use which is destroying the planet) I still believe they should have a right to sell whatever they can get people to buy. Even if it is unhealthy dead cow products. I may choose not to eat their vegetarian-hostile crap, but a lot of people like it so good for them. If eaten in moderation, there's nothing wrong with treating yourself to a Big Mac every once in a while.

And then today I read in The L.A. Times that McDonald's is being sued because "The Center for Science in the Public Interest" feels the toys in their Happy Meals unfairly entice children into "eating food that can do them harm"...

   
The lead plaintiff in the case, a mother of two from Sacramento, goes one step further by claiming McDonald's "uses toys as bait to induce her kids to clamor to go to McDonald's."

Uhhhhhh...

The word you are searching for, YOU MORON, is "no."

That's right... if you don't feel McDonald's is healthy for your kids and don't want them eating there, JUST SAY NO! When I was a kid I clamored for a flamethrower. My parents, WHO ARE ACTUAL FUCKING PARENTS THAT CHOSE TO RAISE THEIR KIDS INSTEAD OF HAVING A RESTAURANT DO IT FOR THEM, felt a flamethrower could be detrimental to my health and told me "no."

Idiotic bullshit like this drives me fucking insane.

Kids "clamor" for all kinds of crap that can "do them harm."

It's the job of the parent to read labels and research products and do all the stuff parents do to protect their kids from harm. Yes, the parent! If a frickin' cheap-ass toy is enough to totally usurp your parenting authority, you've got bigger fucking problems than a stupid Happy Meal. I hate to think what lawsuit is coming next. Are you going to fucking sue JC Penney for distributing a toy catalog because it entices children into clamoring for toys that aren't healthy to your bank account? Are you going to go after Pop-Tarts because they put Hello Kitty on the box to entice kids into eating toaster pastries that aren't healthy to HUMANITY? What the hell? Do parents want ANY responsibility in raising their kids any more?

The word you are searching for is "no."

If you don't know how to use it to keep your children from harm... or use your brain to figure out a healthier alternative to placate your kids over a frickin' toy... you might want to consider putting your offspring up for adoption. Odds are they'll be a lot better off.

As somebody who endeavors to take the high road in most things, I ended up deleting the blog entry I hammered out for today. Sometimes it's better to just let sleeping dogs lie.

At least for now.

As always, I reserve the right to unleash my righteous fury at a later date.

If Christmas is your holiday, I hope it's a happy one for you!

Oh great. Now I want a candy cane. Doesn't that sound tasty?

Not just today, but every day...

...and good will to everybody.

If Boxing Day is your holiday, I hope it's a happy one for you!

Oh great. Now I want to pummel somebody with padded gloves. Doesn't that sound fun?

Thanks to the holiday weekend, I saved my ammo for a rare "Bullet Sunday on Monday" edition!

   
• Wallpaper! I had forgotten to convert my DaveToon iPhone wallpaper backgrounds to the iPad, so thanks to my friend Göran for the reminder! They're free for your personal use, but cannot be sold or used for any commercial purpose. Just click on the version you'd like and it will open in a separate window. From there, you can drag the image to your desktop, or right-click (control-click for Mac) and save it wherever you like.

If you want to know how to get the pictures onto your iPhone, iPod Touch, or iPad, Apple has a helpful support document.

If you are using Android or any other mobile platform, you can still use the wallpapers... I recommend grabbing the iPad version and cropping it to your display resolution.

	Click for iPad (1024 x 1024)    Click for iPhone 4 (640 x 960)    Click for iPhone/iPod (320 x 480)
	Click for iPad (1024 x 1024)    Click for iPhone 4 (640 x 960)    Click for iPhone/iPod (320 x 480)
	Click for iPad (1024 x 1024)    Click for iPhone 4 (640 x 960)    Click for iPhone/iPod (320 x 480)

Eventually I'll get more wallpapers converted and come up with some new stuff. Until then, enjoy!

   
• Ask Dave! I would be remiss to not mention that the remarkably awesome FREE Ask Dave! app for iPhone, iPod Touch, and iPad is still available! It hasn't been optimized for Retina Display yet, but still looks pretty awesome. Hopefully I'll get around to creating new custom versions for next-gen iOS devices like iPad, iPhone 4, and (cross your fingers!) Android, in the coming year.

   
• $3.99 No More! I've decided to stop buying Marvel Comics. Marvel blows. DC Comics listened to comic book fans and dropped their cover price of ongoing series to $2.99 ($1.79 at discount) back in October. Whereas Marvel is STILL soliciting their titles at $3.99 ($2.39 at discount). And I'm simply not going to pay over $2.00 for a comic book because nothing coming out of Marvel is worth it. Even though the stuff that's going on in their books is pretty awesome...

Seriously, the time for digital comics is here. Offer comics for $1.00 each direct with no printing costs, no shipping costs, no storage costs, no distribution costs. I would by at least double the books I do now... maybe even triple. Not only that, but I would be ten times more willing to try a new book for a buck than I would paying $3.99 for a printed copy. Assuming that there are a lot of comic book fans like me who set a monthly budget for comics, the net would be a win for comic creators and fans alike. Sure I'm going to miss having printed copies that I can hold and flip through... but if I'm going to stop buying them anyway, surely this is better than nothing?

   
And I'm afraid that's all she wrote for this week. Next week we'll have a very special New Year Edition of Bullet Sunday. Hope to see you then!

Tonight I'm going to discuss the hot mess of a film Black Swan.

I never intended to see this movie because A) I don't like ballet, and B) I find Darren Aronofsky films to be very hit-or-miss (I loathed The Fountain and The Wrestler but loved Requiem for a Dream and Pi). I was perfectly content waiting for it to come to Netflix so I could rent it and not have to suffer through it in a theater with a bunch of rude assholes. However... I kept hearing what a brilliant masterpiece Black Swan is. And Rotten Tomatoes has it pegged at 87% which is pretty darn good.

Sooooo... tonight was the night...

Needless to say, this review will be riddled with spoilers. If you haven't seen the film and are planning to, you might want to bookmark this page and come back later.

For the most part, I found Black Swan to be pretentious crap with fantastic performances and some admittedly disturbing scenes. Despite wanting to enjoy it, I was mostly bored through the predictable story and unimpressed with the heavy-handed presentation. The only reason I can honestly say I'm glad I saw it is so that I can knowingly roll my eyes into the back of my head when people start talking about what a fantastical work of art it is.

And I suppose I should get that problem out of the way first, because THEY NEVER LET YOU FORGET IT...

30 minutes into the movie I wanted to stand up and scream "OKAY, IT'S ART! WE FUCKING GET IT!" because I was so sick and tired of the massive film grain that was so obviously meant to give the picture an art-house cinema look. I mean give me a break... usually when movies are this bad, they're deemed to be in need of restoration. Studios spend millions trying to get rid of abusive grain when re-issuing old films because modern movie audiences are accustomed to a cleaner picture. But Aronofsky is apparently so desperate that Black Swan not be mistaken for anything but art, that he takes it to an entirely new level.

And I get that. As somebody who started out in photography using a film camera, I totally miss the beautiful, warm, classic "feel" of film that's been lost in the digital age. But there has to be limits. When I spend more time trying to ignore the grainy haze obstructing the picture than I do on the story, you've failed. Artistic visual choices I totally understand. But, just like JJ Abrams' absurdly stupid overuse of lens flair in nearly every fucking scene of Star Trek, I didn't agree with the choice here, finding it more "distractive" than "artistic."

That's kind of a shame, because if there's one thing that truly shines here, it's the actors. Natalie Portman's wooden and shitty performance in the heinous Star Wars prequels can forever rest directly on George Lucas's shoulders, because she is genius working with Aronofsky. Her vulnerable and damaged brand of crazy is nothing short of remarkable here. And it doesn't stop there. Barbara Hershey played her abusive-obsessive mother with such beautiful restraint and subtlety that it was disturbing to watch. There was nothing forced or synthetic about it, which makes me look at her work in Beaches in an entirely different light. Mila Kunis turned in an unexpectedly great performance as well (SHE'S MEG ON FAMILY GUY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!). And then there's Winona Rider. I have no idea what it is, but every time I see her on screen I am inexplicably mesmerized, and her tiny role in Black Swan was no exception.

Sadly, none none of the awesome acting can save the story, which was remarkably unremarkable despite special effects and bizarre pandering to make it appear that way.

Natalie Portman plays Nina, an aspiring prima ballerina who hammers away at her dancing with a fury so intense that she's borderline crazy before she goes literally crazy. Nina's golden ticket arrives when she is given the lead performance in Swan Lake. It's then that her never-ending drive to achieve perfection ultimately consumes her, and the movie takes us along for the ride right to the bitter end (which, if you know the story of Swan Lake, is exactly what you'd think it is).

As I mentioned, Nina has serious psychological problems... assumably brought on by her controlling and equally crazy mother, but amplified by her overwhelming obsession to perform flawlessly at the ballet. This eventually starts to transform her with ever-escalating psycho-delusions which are meant to echo the transformation she undergoes from White Swan to Black Swan within the performance of Swan Lake (even though they are different characters, they are played by the same dancer to illustrate the mirrored duality of good vs. evil, or so I'd imagine).

The reason we know this is because THEY BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

I gave up on counting the direct references, which usually go something like this: "Oh Nina, we know you can play the graceful White Swan perfectly, now you just need to let yourself go so you can transform into the seductive Black Swan!"

And let herself go she does... falling deeper and deeper into her transformation until she destroys herself getting there.

The film tries some trickery to make you wonder how much of Nina's world is real and how much is just her twisted delusions. It's very cool at first, but it ultimately goes over the top and fails. At one point Nina goes into her mother's room where dozens of mommy's painting self-portraits come alive to torment her. Until this point, you only get flashes of crazy, but now it's bluntly spelled out for you. Nina is fucking insane. Any blurring of the line from this point onward is pointless because you've already got The Big Picture. Even worse... it doesn't matter from then on what's real and what's not. It doesn't matter if her dancing partner Lily is trying to be a friend or is instead a vicious, conniving rival who is intentionally messing with her head. It doesn't matter whether her director is just trying to get her best performance or is instead manipulating her in some kind of seductive game. It doesn't matter whether her mother is just concerned and over-protective or instead an abusive, crazy oppressor. It doesn't even matter if her mother is even real or instead just a delusional invention. None of it matters at a point when it very much should matter.

But it doesn't, and so I stopped caring.

Instead I was just bored. If I liked ballet even a little bit, I could have at least found entertainment in the many beautifully-filmed dance sequences. But, alas...

I truly wish that Aronofsky would have had a lighter touch when crafting this movie. Something tells me that it could have been so much more had only he not tried so damn hard to make "art" and just let it become art.

As an example...

At one point Nina goes out with Lily for a wild night of clubbing with drugs, alcohol, and men — all in defiance of her mother. The evening culminates when Nina brings Lily home for some hot lesbionic sex — also in defiance of her mother. In order to make sure they're not disturbed, Nina props her bedroom door with a wood board so Mommy Dearest can't open it. The next morning she oversleeps and awakes to see the board has been moved, the door is ajar, and Lily has gone. NOW... since the board was moved, the only assumption you can make is that Lily was really there and Nina didn't imagine it. EXCEPT... when Nina arrives late to the theater, Lily acts as if she never went home with her (delivering the movie's best line in the process). This leaves the viewer wondering... "Did Nina imagine it all and never prop the door, or is Lily lying to make her (more) crazy and steal her role?"

Had the film continued down THAT road, we could have had a beautifully fucked-up ending where the viewer is left to decide what was real, what wasn't, and what that all means to them... instead of what it means to Aronofsky.

Except, as I said, it ended up not mattering what's real or not when you've got over-the-top scenes of Natalie Portman literally becoming the Black Swan at the end (an "homage" to Jeff Goldblum in The Fly?). Way to spell it out. I would have totally missed the symbolism if you hadn't done that. So instead of letting Portman's performance stand on its own, we get special effects to take the audience by the hand and lead them to the only conclusion possible. In my humble opinion, this sucked all the power out of her character, but c'est la vie.

Black Swan ultimately fails as a film and lost my interest. Still, I give it a C- for the awesome performances.

Darren Aronofsky has been hired to direct Hugh Jackman in Marvel Comics next Wolverine movie. Granted, he has no choice to be fairly direct with such a mainstream film, but I'm hoping he can elevate the material to something worth watching. He is, after all, still the guy who made Requiem for a Dream and Pi, so he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Though Black Swan leaves me with more doubts than I had before I saw it.

I'm fickle that way.

2010 -> AUDIO -> VIDEO -> DAVE

JANUARY

• Realized the right tool for the job won't actually get me a free date with Elizabeth Hurley.

• Opened my big mouth and got the entire wine-connoisseur world pissed at me.

• AND NOW, FROM THE BLOGGER WHO BROUGHT YOU PENIS SALAD...

• Found out that somebody stole my monkey.

• Found a vagina on the sidewalk.

FEBRUARY

• Discovered that Canadians are responsible for the pussification of America, and showed them how REAL AMERICANS GET SHIT DONE!!

• Seattle FINALLY got a Hard Rock Cafe, and I got my 125th visit.

• Released my medical findings on a cure for the common cold to Twitter (and so much more).

MARCH

• That Crasher Squirrel has been showing up everywhere...

• Just like Lindsay Lohan's cootchie...

• Took my annual Birthday Vacation and ended up in Dutchyland, and Brussels, and Bucharest, and Transylvania, and Prague.

APRIL

• Explained why Roger Ebert is WRONG about video games not being art.

• Talked shit... LITERALLY.

• Attended THE blogging event of the year... TEQUILACON 2010 VANCOUVER!

MAY

• Went to New York for a-ha's farewell tour and to hang out with awesome people while Betty White made her Emmy-winning SNL appearance.

• Remembered a friend.

• Got the tackiest phone call ever.

• Took a dump on Lost and then went out for pizza with RW, which ended up having far-reaching consequences you'll find out about later this year.

• Summed up my position on the BP oil spill.

JUNE

• Saw the Worst. Movie. Ever.

• WAY TO GO BLACKHAWKS!!

• Had more fun than should legally be allowed at Bitchsterdam 2!

• Rush Limbaugh is a vile piece of shit.

JULY

• Saw one of the best episodes of television ever (thank you Steven Moffat, The BBC, and Dr. Who!). I can honestly say that I think this is the only time I cried in all of 2010.

• Sarah Palin is a fucking idiot.

• Went on a tour of the USA with stops in Hollywood, San Diego for Comic Con, and Atlanta for Watermelon Beer, and Tulsa, and Kansas, and Chicago.

AUGUST

• Explained to haters who don't like being referred to as a hater that they kind are.

• Paid a visit to mah Hilly-Sue and FooDiddy in Sacramento.

• Got a visit from Muskrat and Whit in Seattle.

• Was inspired beyond my ability to express by the final words of a legend.

SEPTEMBER

• Took a Mediterranean vacation and saw such remarkable places as Barcelona, and Malta, and Tunisia, and The Amalfi Coast, and Rome, and Portofino, and Corsica, and Monaco. As if all that wasn't enough, I got to have breakfast with Mickey Mouse!

• Remembered The Golden Rule and became the biggest evil dumbass inhuman monster of them all.

OCTOBER

• Nearly crapped myself watching a television show.

• Partied down in rural Wisconsin... a good place to be!

• Got all poitical for a minute.

• Wore purple for a very important cause...

• Went to Albuquerque to gamble away my money at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino there.

• Found out my iPhone can take some pretty decent photos if I bother to stop and look around because there's an app for that...

NOVEMBER

• Went back to Atlanta, this time for Pumpkin Beer and good friends... then a tour of THE WALKING DEAD!

• Took a look at porn and handjobs in the interest of airport security.

DECEMBER

• Got into the CALM Act...

• Want to know where to go on vacation? Here are some of my suggestions!.

• "Take your stupid war and go fuck yourself with it."

• Took some pictures in the snow.

• Took on stupid bitches and the law, and went ape-shit over net-neutrality, and was shocked as hell by a moment of lucidity from Pat Robertson.

   
And that was pretty much what happened with me in 2010. How about you?

Hope your 2011 is a good one, and thanks for reading!